Monday, July 31, 2017

What is there to break down?

Game of Thrones gets more retarded and inane by the episode. What's more ridiculous is there are "break down" videos on YouTube. Recaps. What on earth is there to "break down"? Can the plot get any simpler? NO!!

Good Lord does this show have bad writing.  IT IS SO BORING. The holes the illogic the terribly unreasonable character relationships.


I can't wait for it to end. I will forget about it within a month it's ended.

I seem to remember I liked the book (I only read 1) somehow. But let me be clear and say that I'm not disliking the show because it "didn't stick to the original". Did GRRM also write the tv show or something? It's just bad that's all.

Turns out I can make a mean pasta

With all the bitching I did yesterday I forgot to tell you that it turns out I can make a MEAN pasta. Good Lord. Not in an "anyone can make pasta" sort of way, it was a smashing success. It's definitely gourmet. It's better than what I've tasted anywhere else. With a little hint of chocolate and Parmigiano-Reggiano, they just melt into it... it's so good.

Did I mention I also handrolled and seasoned them meatballs?

Steaks and pasta... not too bad.

1 - 100%

I finished work today. You have no idea how it feels. It's like I owe myself money. I do owe myself money.

Anyway. These little milestones need to happen more often, I've been feeling like a sore loser for at least two weeks.  This is...

Well. I'm about to give my head a rest. I so need a massage right now .

Sunday, July 30, 2017

How bout let's do it all

How about I let it all out of my chest. I know it's hard to believe but you gotta know I only say the bad stuff so that it leaves all the good impressions. I find it very hard to compliment people, you know this. I struggle to come up with words to describe a good thing. When a thing is bad, it's bad in an elaborate way. But when it's good, I rarely even acknowledge it. But then again, it is also true that nothing good ever lasts so long for me to use a succinct word to describe it.

I am a pessimist, diary. I know I wasn't one when I was 15. Maybe you can tell me when did I become this way.

Don't forget the Finns

Finns are a special people, but let's not leave them out. I just remembered when I was slummin' it in January hopping hostels, I had this ~200lbs Finn with golden locks telling me in a somewhat superior way that because she majored in electrical engineering she understood all about internetz encryption. She inserted this information in the midst of telling me a long story about how her phone couldn't connect to wifi.

I must contemplate again how stupid I look that people would assume I'd buy stuff like that and tell it to my face.

The business contacts never see my face so it's all good. I know it's them. But when shit happens irl I have to wonder... now I worry... how naive useless gullible my outlook is.

Why are they so entitled

Is being European or worse, Norwegian or Danish supposed to automatically give you perks? I didn't know they still look down on Americans so much. Even in the emails it's like they demand your attention.

These people. They always open with such proud lines:

Hi, we are a European company (that's when they're from elsewhere)


Hi, we are a Danish/Norwegian company

like that's their primary identity. I'm like woah watch your big ego. Then they never specify what it is that they do, chances are they're ripping off someone in silicon valley and they think an American would like that European flair. I've seen them attempting to charge 10X for the same service and think they can actually pull it off. HOW STUPID. And when you don't reply to them because they look sketchy as fuck they send you such, I mean SUCH a follow-up email where their tone completely changed into a kid who's denied candy by his parents.

"Hey we sent you a msg 2 days ago and I haven't heard back from you. If you aren't in charge redirect it to your boss" something like that.

It's like OMG how entitled are these fuckheads. It's so cringey.

Indian people do this sometimes too. It's a different scenario cuz they been spamming 10000000000 peoplez and they can get tired and impatient from doing the same shit over and over again.

But when these European assholes have spent time targeting the top dogs they think just because they spent their precious European time sitting on their European asses browsing the internetz they should catch all the attention and reward on the other end.

Good Lord. This superiority complex is a disease. Oh I'm glad Spaniards are mostly not like this. It's the main reason I have no desire to visit the Nordic countries. I mean ofc they won't do this to your face. But 1, I read all the Norse myths and I find them unattractive and boring. 2, this shit. They are both cultural.

Some people are like "oh they're rich and relaxed and I wanna visit"  please what does that have anything to do with you? Do they give each tourist a little pouch of gold when you get in there? More like the opposite. Honestly man. If you want to see the northern lights yeah I do actually, then there's a pretty good reason to go. But that's not a national thing, you know. Nature cannot be a national pride. A nation's got culture and that's it. Not even technology is a national pride. You literally cannot derive national pride from anything other than culture. Laws is a part of culture, too btw

Anyway. I'm not mad or anything. I swiftly replied and told the guy we're not interested. It's nothing, really. I actually do appreciate the startup culture in those countries and Belgium and Netherlands, it's just their lives are too easy and they take everything for granted. I don't know which asshole has been indulging these people but they need to quickly adapt to globalization. Nobody worships a race or certain nationals anymore (right? right? no but I hope) and they need to treat business like business.

I don't like how US companies often sign you up for unsolicited mailing list either. Oh yeah, mailing lists are huge in the US. Fuck that shit. 10/10 I found good stuff on my own. It's not a paradox. If you have to resort to these tactics your stuff ain't good nuff.

There is something I dislike about every country, diary. Overall I dislike UK a little less, but just a little. I know they probably have the biggest ego of all and are definitely the most entitled and they fucking rip people off, but these folks never lack any manner.

Hell, like is that too much to ask these days?






Blizzard is great

White, cold.


field of poppies


always nuking stuff when it plays.

 . . . . . .

Overpriced Bis


I finished the Cartwright & Butler biscuits (2 kinds of them) and most of the jar of onion chutney. Good Lord 27 euros, seriously? I'm never making that mistake again. They taste below average.

Bad decisions diary. Every time I talk to you about a small mistake, my mind is occupied with an infinitely bigger one. This is weighing me down.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Crazy Dogs

Where do you rest your hand on a dog?

I always grab its forearm. Like I hold it like you would hold a person's wrist. Dogs, cats... their forearms are all so bony. I don't stroke them all the time, I don't do that. I just hold their hand. Completely locked. I don't know why I like to do that.

There are so many dog breeds in the world. It is a good thing.

Banishing Cockroach FOREVER

I begin to wonder how filthy my neighbors are. Another cockroach crawled in from under the door, luckily I saw it before it made its way any further. I was going to catch it (wearing pastic bag ofc) and toss it outside of the window, but it's fucking late and the damn thing was frightening. I ended up opening the door and chased it away. I knew I had to do something.

There had been a thin layer of sponge under the door but it's worn off. It could've fended off pests. I took a piece of bubble wrap and trimmed it into strips, I took the tape and stuck the strips under the door, rough side down ofc. I don't think another cockroach will invade my home this way.

I'm sweating, diary. There are a number of "once and for all" things... "living in a metropolis" is one of them. I wouldn't blame it on living in a city entirely, and I can't even imagine what a hellish experience it is to live in New York City. I've heard so many horror stories. But facts are facts. There are more people living in city center, duh, and inevitably there will be more filthy ones.

I am ready to move to the countryside in 3 years. Well not necessarily countryside, maybe a small enough city. And I know exactly where I'm going to go. It's where I was planning on going in the first place, I only changed my mind the last minute. I still don't know if it's a good idea. Yeah I've seen some shit, but... I'm not a city person.

It's typical. God wouldn't want me to live without hardship or torture, or fear, really. It's a special kind of fear and I have lots of it.

Not talking about cockroaches.

Dear Lord, diary.

The immeasurable depth of regret

Would it be great if I can come up with a way to measure the depth of regret

This site is so broken

Not this site, the other site.

You don't like carpeting no more now do you.

No I don't.

Grammarly account suspends this weekend. It irks me how a grammar company is called Grammarly, what the fuck.

I wasn't talking about this site.

Oh well, now I know. It's nice to know for sure.

I only used Linode for months.

Not talking about Linode either.

I browse about 700-1000 pages a day. I know this cuz I clean my browser history every day.

Still not talking about it.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Cooking 2

I don't know why I tried again. This is my most unsightly dish... I can't call it a dish... dessert, yet. Oh, say no more.

What to do in Andorra

Helpful information in surprising places



I've dreamed of cooking with half a pot/pan/utensil these past two days. I could not remember a recipe because I only had half a pot... what?

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Am I that type of girl

I couldn't convince myself to take out the trash because there is a guy sitting in the street for the past fifteen minutes... ongoing. It's not a homeless guy or anything, I wouldn't mind if it's a homeless tbh. It's just a guy with a cap sitting there picking at his wristband, and it surprises me that the first thought that entered my head was if he's mental and would be dangerous to me...

I guess I am already that type of woman who can't take strolls at night.

I wouldn't help him either way, just so you know, but I've always thought the first thing that occurs to me should be "if this guy needs help", and not anything about me.

Oh he left. I'm going to take out the trash.

Anyway. Theoretically, oh I hate that word now. I'm just saying, if God has my back... no, if God doesn't intend for me to die, then I have nothing to worry about. But I can't carry that kind of confidence every day. I mean, I'm still human. I really can't be strolling the street at midnight.

And I really want to.

I have always been super conscious of what men can do. I've read news, I've heard stories. I'm not blind and I know I can't really fight them. And I have 0 trust in police or bystander to help me. So it shouldn't be a question. But it totally is.

Am I that type of girl who's afraid of everything?

I don't want to use that word on me. There has to be a way outta this...  Oh dear Lord. I don't know. I'm so careless all the time.

I just think it'd be really stupid if something happens to me this way. Ew if someone touches me... no.

Oh I went to the aquarium today. It is a TOURIST HELL. Good Lord. Let me check up the peak season for a second. July and August. Sure. But wha'ts with November through March?

Anyway. I'm NOT going to the aquarium next month. Or the zoo. I miss the animals though.

But back to me! No man is going to assault me, right? Do I look like a target? Do I look easy? I know I look dumb and / or miserable from time to time, but I don't think I look easy. Can you even see that at night? Ugh how about I try it for once.

I hate the saying that you SHOULD always travel in groups to be safe. Like HELLO my impromptu midnight stroll I'm not attaching a bunch of humans with me, what the fuck. A you can't impose that on people all the time and B I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO. OK B is more important I'm just being polite.

Oh well. I don't believe in pepper spray or guns either. I've never held a real gun before let alone know how to use it. As for pepper spray and whatnot, chances are I'll fail to get it out of my bag in time and end up spraying it toward my own face... I don't really want to take a bag.

It's insanely stupid how much is wasted on the subject. One fucking stroll. Just because some jerk can't control his impulse, and stories have led me to become this type of...

No, no I'm not. I'm fucking not. I'll take that stroll diary I tell you. I must take that stroll.


Hot damn, Veyer is such a good name. I would love to keep Veyer as a companion or a pet.

There is only so much hideous I can take

There are very few ways to not let yourself be seen by ugly people. However I wonder if there are even fewer ways for you to not see them.

The Rochas gel and lotion got here today. They look absolutely plastic and industrial. What kind of perfume is it? I better stick with Lush from now.

Anyway, diary. I read some sad, touching stories yesterday and I just want to remind you that I am still very capable of empathy and sympathy.

And recent dreams have been very easy to understand. They highlight who I fear, who I distrust and who I want to protect. I was disturbed and awaken from a very good dream this morning but I'm over it.

This is life. This is... just... life.

That's it.

I don't believe it

Another harrowing day... because what I do with the time.


My head feels heavy.

There is an all-encompassing fear that July is ending... there is no "too early" for anything now.

I'll go through the other tabs today - it is today.

I've always thought that Google has the most detailed map. I was wrong. Maybe they do... but not this version. Of course the other... they would have the best satellite images. Of course.


Time is ticking.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Oh I see

I suddenly realized something. Everything I own is either absolutely serious or absolutely ridiculous. There is no middle ground.

This is all in design choices. Look.


Right? That's interesting. But it makes it so much clearer. I should have less trouble choosing from now, because I know how I am. If you can't take it seriously... treat it as a joke.

I wonder... I must wonder... if this extends to other aspects of life.

Let me think, diary.

Good Lord. Do I take everything either seriously or as a joke?

That must be why there is such a gap between me and the masses. People enjoy middle ground and I... I don't have a middle ground. What is there? A chasm. Null.

I'm going to bed now. Writing tools have been arranged. I should be able to keep this more lighthearted in... ten days?

 O K

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Salted chips

Who puts vinegar on the chips? A weird flavor.

Well diary.

Two bugs have committed suicide in my drink this week. Once left unattended, apparently both Porto and cocoa make great suicide spot for these things. Drowned themselves in the lakes.

I always smile when I think of Georgie's line : "I couldn't commit suicide if my life is dependent on it." You start thinking about why things are humorous to you especially after you have rehashed these lines a thousand times, and I think it's the themes. It's the things you deeply agree with. When someone expresses the same opinion in a provocative way, it pleases you, so you laugh at it.

I will never laugh at fart jokes, because it's just disgusting to me. I shun the subject altogether. But whenever you joke about death- I've noticed this- it will almost always make me laugh. I love it.

I lean into some of the stereotypes myself, diary. It's a coincidence. I mean, I'd like to think that it's a coincidence, but how original can you be? Living in the same context as everybody.

That's OK, diary. I am perfectly fine to have something old fashioned.

Oh dear, do you remember second grade? I had such awful handwriting, it's still not pretty today. I have to improve my penmanship.

The recent Swedish leak reminded us to be careful about where to store sensitive data especially in cloud space.

But let's not worry too much.

I wonder what other girls are writing in their diaries...

The name is like an irony  now

"no border"

In some of the wild fantasies... I barely have energy for this. In some of those grand high tales, Earth will not have bordered countries no more. I just...

There is this incredible lapse in their judgment because they just can't see...

Why? Why would humans ever want to get united? What in the history of humanity has ever brought people together, in that sense? Tired of war is not loving peace. Good Lord. I can't even.

Why? Why do people fantasize about such a nonexistent future? This is as dumb as the simulation theory. How can anyone think we're living in a computer simulation? Just because the computer was invented not too long ago and you're in awe, doesn't mean anyone should buy this crap theory. Good Lord. It is so, SO, SO INCREDIBLY STUPID.

I had a nightmare in my day dream, diary. How can I put this... I saw Azkaal reincarnated, and I was in a building, but turning into an archangel. How loathsome. I looked at my surrounding with disgust, and the voices are urging me to get people to safety. I unwillingly became people's guardians. I was forced to go against my own way...

I fear one day that will happen.

No no.

CRISPR is Cool.

Monday, July 24, 2017

I know

I know, the card overheats on 1hr mark




















Why scientists believe in God

Isn't there a saying that "all physics questions are eventually philosophical questions"?

Anyway, for anything if you keep asking "Why" soon enough it'll drive you crazy if you don't have an answer for it.  "God" is an all-purpose answer, a placeholder for the truth, at least for a good number of them.

So there is no need blaming or even wondering why some scientists believe in God.

But that's also a reason I don't believe in any common God. We all ask different questions, I hope. Even if we ask the same the current religious texts don't explain shit, they're fucking outdated AF.

We all have spiritual needs. I hope.

"Relax" as a hobby

What if -

Why not.

I miss the rain.

It stopped a few hours ago, actually.

I had no responsibility - other than to God, I suppose, when it rained for days one time when I was little.

Everybody, the neighbors, the news, the school, everyone was just so panicked over it. They felt life was disrupted, their precious little routines compromised, economic damage, crops... I didn't understand those at the time, nor did I care.

I just... the rains...

I was... just so... fascinated...

Even thinking about it... it's so mesmerizing... You know, you could study the shapes of cloud, currents, atmosphere, and be a weather forecaster yourself. I never studied those... oh wait, no I never studied those for this particular reason. But every day I check the weather report, in fact I check it every few hours cept in sleep, hoping it'll rain.

This is a very sunny place.

Cloudy days never brought me down.

They don't necessarily "lift up my spirit", nothing does that, but when I think about it, I can get how no one's spirit is "lifted up" by cloudiness.

I just like it so much.

Why? What quaint little analysis you got for me?

I know what it could be, and I know what it isn't.

No reason in particular. Sometimes now when I see inane argument, I mean long, "facts"-ridden yet wrong arguments from mis-legitimized scholars under 40, I just think of soothing things and don't get mad anymore. Not a sweeping generalization, just high probability. I'm telling you, people are less dumb after 40, especially after 50, cause they read more news. By people I mean people in academia. A late 20 something or 30 somethings will easily blab about anything and everything they think they may know, but they just talk, diary. Their points are so unoriginal and so forced, and the only purpose is to impress. Good Lord. I know, people are social creatures, they need to impress even on the internet. Ah, especially when internet is linked to their real life.

Some people's faith is indestructible, and I think it only springs from purity. For others, let's call it "beliefs"- they are brittle. I do what seems fun, and I know I don't need to give them sympathy. They don't need it, and shouldn't have any.

Ah, oh well.

Baby, all your lies I will survive

Such masochistic lyrics in FAITH...  Why?

But it's such a beautiful song...

I'm going to crawl now. I never had a subscription.

Diary, what will happen after I...

What will happen...

I keep holding myself off doing this or that... I shouldn't... I can't...


This will only make me more alone... not just "feel" alone, actually more singular...

OK... I know it's the right thing.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

It rained.

Can you imagine going out of the shower and hear FAITH playing and see that it's raining! And walking to the window with water beading down on yourself and you smell the rain and it has this fresh musk... I'm melting...

And you go upstairs to lotion yourself / give yourself a massage and you come downstairs...

to your desk with a lone desk lamp emitting dim light...

best of all, you read about reassortment A, you know what I'm saying...

Oh... oh yes... I already came.

One day, diary, one day- I'm going to take a bath AND watch it rain at the same time... God is so good to me, I know it will happen. Good Lord, thank you, thank you for making it rain.

Rain is almost an interaction. When it's sunny you're just getting tortured with no way to strike back. But when it rains... it's a conversation. When it's raining... that's when you know everything will be OK.



Who knew you could become a wine expert in a month. And those people have had their shop for years... specialization is a bitch.


956 channels so far, easily 1000 soon.

YouTube is clean now. No more retarded shit.

Clean YouTube Project

600 blocked channels so far... just so one day I won't encounter something that makes me facepalm.

"Why don't you block the entire YouTube"

See it as a search engine. Remove the biggest unhelpful sourcez.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

cat mouse bug

This disturbing detail in my dream last night:

I thought I'd rescued a kitty, it's the size of a grain. I held it in my hand and took it to the vet, and the vet immunized it and stuff. And I was taking it home, only to find it's been flattened on my index finger. I stood still and it got inflated again, and alive and moving. So I'm like "phew" right? Right. But then it started to bite me and it felt like a bug bite. So I'm beginning to question "this is not a cat". And in the end it was a bug and I had to get rid of it. And all that's left is this red bite mark on the tip of my index finger, and one on my middle finger, I think.

This is just so weird.

On an unrelated note, I'm so drained today. All those times I've talked to you about being drained before - those were nothing. I barely walked two blocks today to get my sunglasses. And I just want to collapse. Sleeping does not help me rest now, I don't know how that happened. I'm just so, so spent. I often evaluate myself as a creature in the wild and reflect on how easy I'd be dead- probably in one or two days if I'm actually that. Good Lord diary, I am probably more fragile than an orchid. I should not be this way.

It just... confuses me how I'm getting weaker and weaker, physically, at this age.

Dream Buffet

What a bunch of messy dreams last night. I don't enjoy school themes anymore, they're bitter sometimes.

It is a weekend, but it's noon already.

What is wrong with Gulper Eel

Can you look me in the eyes and tell me what is wrong with Gulper Eels?

Oh my Goodness.

Friday, July 21, 2017

a la apocalypse - no

Reddit has this "trick", get tens of thousands of upvote on posts hoping to change Google search result by attaching the person's picture with colorful names. I doesn't work. Tens of thousands of redditors still do it. Well it's easy to say why. Reddit's userbase is like Facebook's userbase now, which is not entirely like Twitter's userbase and definitely not like Tumblr's userbase.  Do you realize- DO YOU REALIZE- for a normal ordinary average Joe, you have to choose from two very unsavory camps?

But you don't have to choose. The minority, let me rephrase- though in minority, the powerful, no, the smart, yeah, maybe- they aren't at any of those places. They probably were never there to begin with.

It doesn't make me happy how disconnected these and those people actually are. Our differences are becoming more and more pronounced, don't you think? Cause everyone can have their own bubble now. How stupid.

Even if net neutrality is compromised - or is no longer a thing, it's not the apocalypse. It won't fuel an uprising, Goodness. I really don't think so.

Done Cooking

I've completely lost faith in my own cooking. I don't even want to tell you the dream I had last night. I don't remember much of it anyway.

For the longest time I've been searching for a lifestyle that's right for me. I want something sustainable, something I don't have to change every so often. I remember there was a time when I could stand my own cooking. Not anymore. I ruined the salmon, I ruined the quail, I ruined the tuna (today)... it seems all I can master is one kind of steak. And burger. I want to give up, diary, but that suggests incompetence.

Why? Why even as I was following the recipe, the food didn't turn out like in the picture at all? I can't accept the fact that I can't cook, and it's so demoralizing. I don't look forward to mealtime every day, diary. I just hope I don't give myself another food poisoning, and every day without food poisoning is considered success. It shouldn't be this way. I can't even fathom baking a cake or anything.

There is an easy way out. I can join the gourmet club and eat ready-made food from now. Just like salad. You take it out of the bag, put it on the plate, drizzle some olive oil and balsamic vinegar on it, and you're good to go. Honestly, I like it. It saves so much time, and the flavor can't be too wrong, because I didn't mix it.

It's sad that it's come to this point. I can't cook, diary. It's finally time to admit it. And I have to accept it. For so many life-lovers, failure in this area beats incapability in... you know, Greater Things. But I'm not a life-lover. I can handle it.

I won't discount the fact that I can't cook, but I have to get over it. After I have used the rest of my supplies, I won't try anymore. I'm done cooking. It's only to save myself from frustration... and, and food poisoning.

I suppose when you don't love life, life won't love you back. Oh, that's a romantic notion, but it probably isn't true. But anyway, who cares. There is no emotion attached to eating other people's food- even though you bought it. You didn't make it. Think about it, diary. Something out of a tin, picked only out of nutrition value and long shelf life bounds to taste and feel differently than something cooked on your own, even better, with produce from your own garden. I can never understand a farmer's joy, and it's so... it's such a primal joy. Even the tips of the desert trees are browning.

I don't want to bring myself into a dark place, diary. That's how I am, but I know it's not good for me. So, I'm just letting you know that I accept it. I can't cook, and I won't pretend. I won't have second thought when I walk by the produce section, I won't cast a glance at the fresh seafood or poultry- in fact, I'll avoid those areas entirely. This part of my life is completely outsourced. Let the professionals handle it.

Oh, that doesn't mean I want to eat out though. I still think unless you have worthy companions, dining out is a waste of time.

In the meantime, I'll try not to dwell on the fact that I may have suffered incalculatable loss on my health and therefore mental power in the past few months.

I've been known to eat my words sometimes


I find it disturbing when I can't explain my actions right away. Or perhaps I don't like the explanation.

There were some great people that existed, yes. Yet none of them possibly predicted the place we are in today. And although we think we know where we are going, there is no telling where we will be in another century.

If you can take that, and look at everything around you..

I'm grounded, diary. I'm grounded. I'm OK.  I just...

Is this where people think for the future and begin making incremental changes? ... barring unforeseeable events, of course. But see, it all comes down to...

I'm too tired. Let's talk about values tomorrow.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Terrible freeze

I wanted to revisit the hellscape but H6 is one of the least stable games ever made. Why are they so irresponsible, eh? Why are they this way?

It's quaint and all but I don't want to be a knight in shining armor skipping on the meadow. I don't want to be screaming "All Hail Whoever". They don't have games where you can play a protagonist in a hellscape anymore. It's so unsettling.


I had a dream in Chinatown , sort of. They have rooms there exclusively for Chinese youth at 30-40 euros a month, but they're totally in ruins. The walls are totally peeled and there are hundreds of cigarette butts lying about. Then we had to catch a bus/train/flight and there was a surprisingly clean toilet with shower in the bathroom in the waiting hall. Then I met this Chinese man who is said to be a young elite, smart and good looking, but he is not good looking at all. It was really disappointing. In the end something went down and we all had to each take a plane and fly it to a place. This man was late but he made it. He told me that he couldn't figure out the IP address needed to unlock the control panel of the plane, but then he remembered this company that IPO-ed this morning and he got it, and that's when I thought- in my dream- that this guy is pretty smart, cause I haven't been paying attention to that company. It turns out I'm taking interest in SS ( town ) and he is living there with his average-looking girlfriend who I think is perfect for him. Next scene I'm in my little apartment and I'm hugging this loving dog that's in the other room to be adopted- it's like a computer generated dog, it doesn't need to eat or be taken care of in any way until I decide to adopt it. I'm not sure I was going to because even in my dream I backed off at the thought of having to pick up after it. The Chinese dude had this encouraging look, but it made no difference.

So there, that's last night's dream.   No  comment .


Large Scale Warfare

Wednesday, July 19, 2017


Why is it that after you've lost yourself in the wild and you come back, you always come back wearing a tribal necklace? The places you went to don't even make those necklaces. Where do you even find this stuff?

I'm re-watching DH now.

Not So Fast

I am sickened somehow. First, I lead a small group of 3-4 to victory/success in dream. Details don't matter. Cept light in darkness.

Now, I am sickened somehow. It could be -

1. Things I read today. I would say it's common, normal response.

2. Classical music. For the utter lack of context. I tried, looks like I have to limit that to 1 hour / day.

3. Lindt chocolate. My bad for getting the "luxury collection". Each and every one tastes the same, worse than black chocolate, that slippery texture mixed with sugar particles just really put me off. There is only one taste. The nuts are cheating. You either eat good chocolate or don't eat chocolate at all. Nobody needs that shit. Lindt is officially off my list.

Unlikely but it could also be due to my over-ingestion of porn this week. I ranked the stuff by likelihood so it's most definitely the literature, but I wouldn't rule it out as a contributing factor.

Porto eases me a little bit. I'm going to try Pedro Ximénez next. It's true what they say. And there is a right time for everything.

I'm only human, diary. When my heels are OK, let's try the group sketch thing once.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Me, being stupid, ate a mouthful of salmon skin before realizing it had scales on. I did not know ... or maybe I forgot salmon has scales. Say no more. There are scales in me now. I don't like scales.

Let's try to forget about it. Cooking is a bad idea, diary. I am not a cook.

Oh Lord

Scientific org/mag/sites editors must be busy. You gotta delete inaccurate report ASAP all the time. easier for org and site, one can internalize it and the other is easier to operate. But the history is there. I wonder how much stuff has been retracted. You can tell Scientific American is less scrupulous than Science. Oh Lord. It's just...

They must be so busy mang. What can you trust if this isn't even... Don't think journals undergo more stringent review process mang, they don't... Oh Lord

Ninja Gaiden

Never played the game, but these two come together quite well:

BTW, why is Ryu Hayabusa in so many SFM porno? It's kind of funny that there is a zipper there (that doesn't make sense bc it's a circle) lol but if you can look past it I guess. Came across more bestiality stuff today, I mean ogre and stuff. How can people jerk off to that? Can you actually get hard watching off-putting creatures fucking a nice game character? That's something I never get in porn. It just looks disgusting. Shame, FOW could've produced a bunch of cool stuff, but those guys are into that shit. They've got some really neat animators. For some of the other clips (not work in progress), I can do a better job sticking a random IK in there. I just, I'm not allowing myself to do it, OK?

Anyways, I'll just steer clear of those.

The Ryu Hayabusa theme in Orochi is rad tho. I have a couple of favorites. One of those is the Osaka... Osaka Castle, yeah. I was playing that track in my headphone IN Osaka Castle when I visited it. Nice view up there. There were drawings of Toyotomi Hideyoshi, when I saw them that's when a part of me broke cuz he looks nothing like in the games. Sometimes I wonder if I prefer the fantasy, even though it's a more confined space from time to time. I decided that I'd get the best of both worlds. I'll learn history, but I won't identify the less hot version of anyone.

Pretty neat eh?

Anyway that's probably too much porn for today - for this month even, maybe. I'll stop. I said I'll stop already!

Kitchen sink

GOT is back on and I didn't even notice. I have no excitement or anticipation for this series whatsoever. However I am compelled to watch it because inevitably, Goddammit, diary, INEVITABLY, people I come across will want to talk about it. Casual ones fo sho. There may be a select few exceptions. Some of those are my best friends.

I was going to tell you about the kitchen sink. Oh my word, did you see how clean the kitchen sink is? Spotless. Thank the Good Lord for industrial solvent. I am moved to cook a meal just so I can clean the dishes. Did I really say that?

No no. I'm just saying, you have to clean more often in summer. I can't stand a sink with spots! When thoroughly cleaned, every ordinary object or surface is a work of art. Don't let my "agent" hear that.

I love my antiseptic home.

Oh, speaking of which, a different author- Patrick Rothfuss- though I don't care for his work and I've written him off since I read a Kingkiller novel, I found out the other day he is pretty chill, rating books and giving a bunch of reviews and all. He is a pretty down to earth dude. So, a good human being, a bad writer.

Monday, July 17, 2017

retarded reply

I received a retarded reply today and I'm cringing too hard to not tell you about it.

People/kids who point out the retarded obvious, I really can't stand them. Most of the time I forget they exist. What a bliss.

It's that waitress in Japan who "taught" me how to use chopsticks.

It's the acupuncture practitioner who told me all about "Chi".

It's the shop assistants who tell me the exact same thing on the label.

It's the tourist in the Arab shop who told me don't be shy and come in.

It's this kid...

It's everyone who treats me like I can't understand the most basic of shit.

I know I must seem helpless or stupid. I must seem so. There is no other explanation. I'm not mad, diary. I'm not mad. I'm not mad that even though scarcely but without fail, I always scare off the wrong people, and the rest, the vast majority of the time, even when I'm grimacing, people can't tell I'm angry or even annoyed. I can't help it. I'm just saying. This general assumption of incredible incompetence is so uncharacteristic, yet I have to deal with it every day.

Think about it. I look so stupid that people interact with me that way. I can't. I really can't.

My anger management has amped up a bunch of levels in the past few years. In the past it would get me instantly incensed. Now I just have to tell you about it. Hopefully I won't even care in future days.

There probably are some very tough-looking women, oh yeah there are definitely. - Some very tough-looking women who want to show their soft side, you know? Show that they're not intimidating, they're not angry, and they don't have a problem.

I don't have those features, diary. There is no way. I wish I was a bald, bulky man, and when I walk into a place, I just demand the seriousness. I'd be fucking ripped. I'm not. When you think about it, it's fucked up I am this way.

Whatever. This life is still worth living, and we got shit to do.

Still Looping

Right, dreams!

I felt like I spent 26 hours in dreams last night. Two very, very long dreams full of action that I don't remember, but the third one, I was on an adventure with grandpa. Not a real grandpa, more like a Joseph Joestar type of guy. Still a bit slow and drove me insane sometimes. We knew we were being targeted - well I knew we were being targeted, and we had to be very careful going where we were going. We were in this big building with so many cool white marble stairs and some vigilant and hostile security guards, and we had to deliver these keys somewhere else. I had this bright idea to make a decoy key and I gave Gramps specific instructions as to how to play it. Needless to say he failed and I had to come to his rescue.

There is a sensation to this dream- kind of predictability within the scenario- I can plan something and see how it will go. There is still tension and pressure, but I like the excitement as things unfold. Especially when I made plans every time on time.

The first two dreams are not only very long but very good also. I really can't remember. God I'm so sorry. I bet it has to do with the curtains being closed- having those dreams in the first place, I mean. I shouldn't be too lazy to close the curtains every night.

Oh I'm still looping the clean strip club theme btw. It's got to be over 200 loops now. It's so imprinted in my head.

Wait! Oh it slipped. I don't remember the other two.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Position 1

I don't know why but the composition just works

@ 4:44

ah well, Sunday is done.

Daily Intake

I've figured it out, diary. Now remember this because it's important.

1. I must not eat before 10pm or after 11pm.

2. My daily calorie need is around 600 kcal.

3. My daily water need (indoor) is 400-600ml or (outdoor) 1000ml.

4. I must sleep 7-10 hours per 30 hours.

5. 30g leaves salad / day, or <200g other vegetables (uncooked wt)

6. 1-2 portions of fruit / day ( 2 pears, 200g of cherries or 40g berries *factor in water intake )

7.  <100g meat or fish / day

8. allow margin of fluctuation @ 10%

9. Remember, if your intake vary by >10% you will give in to fatigue, and possibly pass out

10. If you deviate greatly from this for a long time, YOU WILL DIE

P.S. <10ml alcohol / day, no more than 30ml/week

It's hard to see that you... I'm living in excess. You really have to figure it out and put a number on it. I have. It's surprising that this is normal, but at least now I know.

The Point Of

The point of biographies is not meant to be flattering, but to give a realistic account of things. For that reason, they're not so... pleasant to read. Not the right word. They're disappointing. Yes. But not quite.

I'm never going to get the Unabomber or the luddites- neo or classical. I know it's cool to say if the third world war is fought with nuclear weapons, the fourth will be fought with bows and arrows. But nothing, not war or willing change of lifestyle will revert the progress of civilization. What's the point of starting all over again? If it's meant to get this point, it must get to this point. And once you have got to this point, there is no point in going back to the previous point. I don't get why the luddites don't see something so simple. Everyone is reminiscing about the "Good Old Times", all seeing through rose-tinted lenses. What's the point?

This is coming from a man (as in mankind, I've developed more disgust for being a woman that I don't ever want to remind myself of that) who hates the industrial revolution more than any disruptive human accomplishment.

"Accomplishment." That term sounds like it's exclusively for humans, don't you think? When did any other animal ever accomplish anything? When God does something, or nature, it's not an "accomplishment", it's always casual, a whim, a joke, etc.

Just a second.


It's Sunday.


Do you want to know how that came to be?

Purist purist purist X

Sign here .

No rain.

I don't know how it's possible to forget the dream last night. It was such a rich dream. It definitely has to do with the World. Oh wait, wait..

It's like the other airplane dream I had. Or is it a bus/train this time? No, it was a plane. It's painted in black with supreme golden patterns. God, how could I have already forgotten it? There was a lot of time crunch, a lot of pressure, and my luggage... I had a lot of luggage...

Something happened in the dream. Big things. I can't remember. God I wish I'd remember the adventure. The black plane!

I won't count on my short term memory anymore. You know I forget stuff a lot these days, I

Za Warudo

I got a bit of sample for Kenzo's World in Andorra ( I only noticed there are Julia chains here today ) & I used it all on the sheet & pillow case I cleaned today. I'm wondering if scent changes dream.

Got my glasses, too, today. They told me I shouldn't look at screens closely so I probably shouldn't talk too much. Oops is that a... no no, I guess there is contact lenses & surgery.

I really don't think too highly of myself, diary. The more I see people think highly of themselves the more I know I don't. It's not me trying to be special, I just know too well. The more I know the more I see God's influence & the less human intervention, not to mention I'm just one human, with very short life, in the grand scheme of things.

Wow, I'm really tired.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

A Love For Arguing

I'm not fond of arguing, diary. I'm fond of reasoning, and that's often a quiet activity. You take all your knowledge with you all time and retrieving it feels natural. When you are with people, it takes time for everyone to get on the same page and contribute productively. That's why in a typical office worker's work life, meetings take half the time and doing actual work only takes the other half. It's incredibly inefficient.

But I have noticed that people love to argue. It has nothing to do with reasoning, they just want to let off steam. Where does all the steam come from, I wonder! I don't know. It's a different type of angst. One that is not satisfied by arguing. They still do it.

I don't get it.

Love it when I can't make out the lyrics

y'know what I'm sayin

ice cubes

What if some of the sly dogs decide to gang up and go to the local ice box factory?

Every year I make some of the stupidest mistakes anybody has ever heard of.

I found the music btw. Looped about 100 times, about right, now.

I am moved

I am moved to sign up for a Pornhub account. It'll be the first porn site account I own. - So that I can ask the guy who uploaded this video what music was used. It's tricky when you find contextual music in unlikely places. It feels like a clean strip club, that's all I can say. Makes it fun, you know?

I'm not sure if I should break my record for this.

I want to appreciate everything, diary. Literature, maths, physics, philosophy, arts, yeah, that's all easy stuff. What's hard to appreciate is the Unabomber, opposed parties, stock investment, anal and strip clubs. Some of those things I can never appreciate, but I'm glad strip club is off the list. Not sure if I'll see a live show though. Ah wait, something told me when I visit Amsterdam...

It's late. Good night.

How to face proliferation

Do you want me to tell you ? 

Friday, July 14, 2017

alcohol log

Tawny porto

19%, 100ml, ~20ml alcohol

1 hr

extra calm

medium loss of strength

good focus


strength recovery

Is wine an adult's snack?

I'm writing to you at this moment, diary, because I am becoming very fond of wine. It's happening right now. It hit me. I always wished I'd jotted down something as things like this are taking place. Well here it is. And here is my thought:

this... this very moment, I know very clearly, is the moment I lose interest in all forms of snacks: chips, biscuits, sweets, what else have you... ice cream even. It's hot out, it's very hot out diary, and I would take a glass of Porto rather than a bowl of ice cream.

This is the moment. I wonder, I wonder if all people go through this... all who end up liking wine so much, that is. I guess this is not it, because I've seen people who like wine and cakes... probably equally. It's not equally for me. It's never going to be so equally for me. I like sweet wine more than any snack.

Yes, sweet wine only. Now I am sure I like wine, but I only like sweet wine. Fortified wine. Sherries. Oh and Champaign.

Gotta take a shower now.

head is off

I feel like my neck is about to snap any second.

I had a rich dream last night. The first part was too easy to understand. I was helping two "friends" i & h making videos. Nothing worth thinking about there.

The second part of the dream, the longer part, too, is very interesting. We're at yet another exotic location that is high in the mountains. The grass is yet again particularly memorable. It's an adventure. Oh a sea of grass, and how green it is! There is a structure made of pure white whole dragon skeletons. Tens of them. They're just there. And around this corner, against the backdrop of impossibly clear blue sky, a woman was dancing naked in the grass. She was so deliciously black, she was so rich, diary. Technically you would call it fat, but she is just like this creature- and her boobs are SOOOOO liquid and large, oh my God. She's just dancing so wildly, and her boobs just... their movement was almost tidal, too, but also like being directed by wind. It was such a fresh, adventurous moment, being in that mountain, seeing the white dragon skeletons and this black dancing creature. She doesn't talk, diary. I didn't talk either. Who needs to talk?

There is light and greenness in every good dream. It was so... other-worldly. I never got close to the white dragon skeletons, but it felt so familiar. It's like I've been on that path a thousand times.

I got to thinking about solitary... solitude, diary. Is that the direction we're going, as a whole?

Bigger Better Toys



This page has been blank the whole day. I have decided to put away everything else. So this is my dream log.

Last night, I was riding on a horse. On the street. In a city. Indoors. An indoor city. I had a tall, large, white horse. My companion who was an archaeologist or historian of sorts had a black horse, that black horse looks more fierce and had his mane braided in tribal locks. A major stud. I was having difficulty riding mine. It seems I am too small and I couldn't even sit still on its back - always sliding back and falling off (but I never did fall off).

A day is a day, diary. Every day is so important. I cannot waste a single day. A day can be relaxed, given, gifted, etc. - it cannot be wasted in any way. I'd use a separate local doc, but I trust you on this.


Proliferation irks me.


I'm going to take the trip after all, in 100 days.

I don't really have to comment on events, diary. What matters is not my comment. I'm sure those who pay attention are on the same page. That's enough for me.

Also using the air conditioning for the first time this year. Getting too hot even at night.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Pls unfold.

I watched Perfect Blue and Paprika today. Parade is very fine.

I'm not sure if I have other takeaways.

It's ironic

I forgot what I was going to say. It's been 6 hours.

I can't stand O being pronounced weirdly.

I think I saw a small scorpion bug flying away just now. I don't want to feel the sting.

I saw another cautionary today. It confirms I'm right. I ask myself this every day: did I make the right choice? Am I on the correct path?

I did; I am.

Well, Perfect Blue. The only disturbing thing was that crazed fan Me-mania. It's bad enough that the characters' eyes are all so far apart, his are sometimes gray. *shiver*

People really haven't changed much since then, even though technology has. In that sense, this film is kind of timeless. Timeless as long as the context exists.

I actually don't want to talk about films right now. They're fine, I'm not impressed in any way.

I've found more holes in my post earlier and I can't let it go. How do we justify strategically not sharing knowledge or creation? Impulse doesn't count. If it's strategic then it can't be impulse. We should never rate personal welfare above the wellbeing of the majority. In theory. Right? It depends on the extent of the effect on well-being we're talking about. Maybe it makes sense for someone to do so out of self-preservation.

I don't actually know my stance on one vs. majority. I felt like it should be one of the first things people will be able to define; I cannot.

I really don't know where I stand, diary. Maximizing the well-being of all will definitely benefit the few that stand out, but it's effectively the same as believing in equality. I don't know if I believe in equality.

Some other day, it's getting late.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Cautionary Tale


I saw a cautionary tale this morning. Last night's dream was not important. I don't remember most of it, just that I left a bag of €3.99 KFC chicken wings on the end of the bed for some reason.

Now, this morning. I learned how firmly I believe in sharing - that is by meeting someone who absolutely refuses to share. And it occurs to me: capitalism, socialism, communism, and so forth, differ in distribution of material wealth, and therefore are all largely economic models. Freedom of Knowledge should not be blocked in any of these models.

I mean I guess I always know. That's why the Aaron Swartz case shook me so much. But here is a new angle. The person I met this morning saw intangible goods as material, and therefore refuses to share them. It's like people who refuse to exchange ideas because they feel their ideas will lose value (no longer unique) once they shared them. It makes no sense. I understand on a national level... organizational level - there is always need to keep security on intelligence. Even then it's not a good trade off as far as humanity is concerned. My point is believing in freedom of knowledge does not make you a communist, a socialist, any of those camps. Knowledge can be leveraged, capitalized, but never exclusively so. We must not treat knowledge the same as material.

I deeply, deeply believe in this.

When you see a homeless man on the street, you have no obligation or responsibility, or indeed need or reason to share with him your wealth to improve his condition, but, nothing, on principle, should prevent you from sharing with him ways to change his life. Nothing should prevent you from sharing the knowledge that there is a restaurant nearby that would hire anyone, a government sponsored program, a new shelter around the block, etc.

Whose responsibility is it to take care of the homeless? That's a different question. We're talking reason and principle today, but I am not against solving problems with sentiments. This isn't a full... not even an attempt at an answer, but I'm saying emotions are what perverted some people into taking intellectual property as material property, and they can also be used for good as to act on sympathy.

Knowledge powers free will. Is that right? It looks so to me, but even if it's different for other people, there is one thing we can agree on: knowledge isn't meant to be "stored" in a personal space, it is meant to be shared. It can only thrive in sharing and showing. You don't have to go around parading how smart you are if you've got important work to do, which really should be most of the time. It is excusable not to share with nonessential, unhelpful public a work-in-progress, but in principle your work should never be intentionally kept permanently from them.

With this in mind, we can examine the behaviors that we feel "wrong" more accurately and assess the reason why they indeed may be so. This is an important breakthrough for myself because I wonder, let me think, I wonder if I had ever treated any intellectual stuff as my personal possession. No. I don't think I have. I am ready to share everything intangible. Any time I don't share, it's strategic and not based on principle. You hear how many times I want to fuck a character or two, or just like them, but I never want to hoard and hog any of them. I never believed I should have exclusive access to any of them, and if anything, they're the most material-bordering immaterial stuff to myself.

I am glad I'm consistent on this one. It means I truly believe in it. I am firm on this.

And again, just to be clear, it is because they're figures created elsewhere, seen and embraced by other people so as if there is already a market for it and their values have been ascertained to a certain extent. The system is what makes them bordering material. Please don't think I'm sex-crazed, diary. I know I talk to you about that stuff way too much.

And now -

Praise God for the reflection.

Thank the Good Lord.


I don't know why it's getting here... the dream I had last night.

I got.. eh I don't know how to tell you. Jotaro got pregnant. It wasn't me, it was an enemy stand. Somehow it has to do with me though. Or I was just there... God. I didn't want to tell you, but it's too weird to pass on. I dreamed about getting JoJo pregnant. Good Lord. I know how susceptible to suggestions I am. I should really stop talking to you about this. Then I will stop thinking about them. Then I will stop dreaming about them. Oh that was weird.

But later today though, I saw the picture of the first real life hottie I've ever seen. I can't even talk straight now. I went out this evening, it was no better. My heels are bleeding, I mean, can I ever find shoes that fit perfectly? These are brand new and it looks like the entirety of me has been killed in those shoes- that's a bit much, sorry. Not that much blood. I'm not really fond of exaggeration these days actually. The back openings (collars) are all soaking red though. But anyways they will be fine. I'll just have to wear normal socks from now. I was sweating so much, too. I figured what the fuck, I'll let my hair down. and that's the price to pay. I was all shiny when I got home and I felt like I was drowning in my own sweat.

Ah, yes, sorry. I can't post picture of him here, because it happens to be someone I find attractive all around. What, a respectable scientist and a hottie? It was a picture when he was 18 though, taken 62 years ago. In that way it is yet again a character. It also kind of confirms my belief that men are best looking in high school and college.

Gee he's really hot. He's got that little something... going on. A bit wicked-ish in the picture. Lovely.

Of course it's all in my perception. Nothing wicked about the guy on paper.

There are several kinds of hotness, right. It applies to both men and women. The myriad artificial varieties are just that, artificial. Only natural ones speak to your personality. I think everyone knows that. When you create that artificial look- women do it more with makeup and whatnot, but men can throw on pricey suits and shoes also- it's basically an advertisement. It's purpose-driven. But when you are just you- you are just you. If you are out there running ad all day nobody knows the real you.

Anyway he's definitely all naturally hot. I am a platonic, diary. I want to make it clear that I don't want to have sex with him. Just appreciation.

I don't ask for much, diary. Let me see a good-looking guy every other day and I'm happy. But basically everybody lacks that wickedness- that intelligent wickedness, you know what I'm saying?

I was going to cancel the Poland trip. Something just changed.

I don't need to go to Switzerland yet... physically. I have a feeling that I'm going to pay them a visit in some other ways tho.

You may say the day is fleeting, diary. Shit I forgot to water the plants. wait a sec.

You gotta do the chores as they occur to you. I took out the roots of the orchid now too. 3/3 orchids have died in my hand. I'm done. Clearly I am more of a tree person. Sad basket of composition. The thorny flower actually died before the orchid, then the orchid, and now just this red one left. I'm sure it's only a matter of time. The trees are well. They won't die.


I was just wondering if when you reach this stage of research, certain questions are inevitable.

Many people asked the same questions. The answers are not varied. Prophetic power is useful anywhere, in any field. One needs maths to back it up. Sadly when I think about math, now, I still can't move past Martin Gardner's stuff. It's still recreational. I never understood what actuarial maths meant whenever V and I had a conversation. I am way too connected to the masses, now that I look at it. I constantly worry that I'd lose touch with humanity. Purists don't actually give a fuck about the masses.

I am too caring.

Yah, I'm telling you diary. I'm too caring, that's why I'm not into maths. But I can be. I can be not too caring.

I don't know where to begin. Never thought there'd be a day I'd use actual... I mean serious... I mean complex... see it's a philosophical, conceptual difference, but let me just say actual - maths. It's reasoning with symbols, how hard could it be? I have to be this arrogant to begin.

Oh -

I'm getting used to wearing a thong.

Night diary. the fuck is waiting for us tomorrow?

Monday, July 10, 2017

Can't believe I bought from this brand


Fuck is this shit????????

This isn't funny or eccentric or "creative" FUCKING HELL it's so fucking hideous OH GOD.

I don't remember V&R doing eyesore.

Oh it's so ugly.


It's hard to concentrate

I get 7 hours of sleep every night - at least - and I'm tired in the day. Why? God I hope Dio comes to my dream tonight so we can fuck.

makes you think.

I've seen some more opinions, diary. There are only so many opinions. All contradict each other one way or another. There is not so much "out of the box". I'm getting... no I'm not bored, there must be something I'm missing. Don't. Don't be bored.

Sometimes you are so clear-headed you just want to fuck Dio to feel down to earth again. I'm talking about Dio in this piece of fanart I've had as my phone's lock screen for a long time: Dio is pressed against it. Aw. I would love to torture him a little.

But I get when guys feel like this they actually want to pick up someone. The thought of carrying out my fantasy irl is unfathomable to me. Nobody looks like that, I mean duh, but this is kind of interesting. When men fantasize, I'm guessing, they're actually picturing some real women. They may be supermodels, but they're out there. You can easily find them in magazines. I know I know "nobody jerks off to magazine anymore yadda yadda.." I want to fuck Dio and not some Dio look-alike, not to mention there are no Dio look-alikes irl.

Funny thing about cosplaying, right. When I was into it, I only cosplayed as 3D characters. I did not even think once to go as someone from anime, because that's just ridiculous. Real life people can never look like anime characters, are you fucking kidding me. Even in 3D games you have to forget about the cartoony ones (that's a given from what I told you yesterday). I cosplayed as some of the characters from DW/SW and I'm mighty happy about it.

Oh no. I just remembered I did do a 2D character from this game I like. Oh fuck. My bad. It was only once.

Anyway that's all I'm saying. I'd rather live in the real world fully and keep all my fantasy in my head. There is no porting. I don't even want to go to comic-cons. I did go to PAX once but that once was enough to convince me I should never go again. It's nice and sad at the same time. I'm rigid like that, diary. I would not allow myself to go to that type of thing after certain age anyway.

Age is so fucking important but at the same time isn't.

I wonder how many times I'd be in jail if I'm a guy. Being a woman is tough, but it definitely helps toning down my... I don't know what you call it.

I'm OK.


Never eat anything in the morning. The Maltesers balls taste poisonously sweet. I said it before, right? Everything taste so much more intense in the morning. Milk is so sweet. It's almost like a sugar drink. Not that I'm complaining, just don't next time.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

mad dog & radio

Man, the elevator reeks of dog. Wet dog. Dogs sweat in summer too, you know, don't think I don't know. I bet everyone in the building has a dog.. dogz, cept me. It's OK. It's 2 minutes, but I'm not sure if I brought some of that smell home. I'm sensitive to smell now. Like a dog  

Oh diary. I can't find that hentai porno. I'm not even sure porn is a sexual thing to me now. I haven't had a new character since I revisited JoJo, and I think because it was a revisit it didn't last very long- I'm just not horny now. I can totally do without. That's why I'm watching hentai more than porn these days. I say these days. I don't watch much porn in general, let me think.

I don't have any account on any of the porn sites. I think the last time I checked out porn hub was 2 months ago. Once every 2-3 months, I suppose. I used to go on xhamster, or hamsterx, wait a second. X hamster. OK. I used to go there about 2 years ago.  I'm just not into video porn. Up until college I only read nasty adult stories. Now here is the technicality of it. I have never- because I don't even need to- shove anything under there. Any physical stimulation is to bring out dopamine or whatever in the pleasure center in the brain. If you can do it locally in the brain, there is no need to do stuff physically even. How great is that? Only for people with great imagination and brain processing powerz. Besides, once I see the people it kind of ruins it. Here is one thing I never get about porn, why is it that the men are always hideous? God they're hard to look at. Is it a comfort... some sort of illusion for men who watch this - that tells them it's OK to be hideous and they'll still be able to find someone to fuck? True but it's common sense. I don't get it. How come there are no standard for men? I mean, some of these male viewers- they gotta feel gross about it too. I'm trying to see it from a new angle. Think about it. Would I watch a porno starring a very hot guy and a very ugly girl? For novelty, maybe, but it doesn't feel right. Why do they only use hideous guys?

At the end of the day it doesn't matter, porn is just boring. Oh right, the hentai I couldn't find. I remember watching it a few months ago. I skipped, of course. It happened in this library. The girl bends down to pick something up and the guy just fucks her while she's down. She's like "how could you~" and he's like "cuz you bent like dat". I remember very clearly this girl has long purple hair. Anyway I wanted to watch that part again cause it felt funny this morning. I couldn't find it. It's OK.

I've grown past tentacles totally. To think back on it, I was only into it for about a year in highschool- or junior high, I can't remember actually. Porn/Hentai is supposed to be on the frontier of innovation, sad thing is there are only so many genres and styles. Magical girls are interesting if it's not tentacles. I can't stand anything too cartoony, often meaning childlike/cute. Sometimes I misclick on a piece where the girl's boobs are too small and I feel grossed out. I hope there is some sort of tracking operation identifying people who watch hentai with overly young characters, you know. That is my knowledge- a man who doesn't like big boobs is FUCKED UP. Not interested in incest, any domestic stuff is a turn off. School is OK, just barely. Perverse knight stories are cool. How do people get off on the same stuff over and over again? I can't.

How do you define an orgasm? I think it's the moment you snap back to reality. That's when you know you've had an orgasm. While it's happening it's not really a point. The snapping is a point, so.

Anyway I hope all people have less and less need and want for sex from now. There is just so much work you need to do to trick yourself into thinking you want it. It's silly, isn't it? Men can't stop thinking about sex and women can't stop thinking about relationships. It's so silly.

The dogs are absolutely mad on this street. Earlier this afternoon I heard two barking so hard like they wanted to rip each other apart.

It's all OK, diary. I'm calm and peaceful. It's a nice summer, let's enjoy it.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

What to watch INSTEAD of movies

"INSTEAD" I say.

I don't watch movies no more, I don't mean FOREVER, I just mean there are no movies to watch at the moment.

So instead of films I'm watching all cutscenes. I been doing this since college but I thought I'd tell you about it now.

If you are wondering why I been talking like this since January it's cuz I watched GTA cuts mang.

Some thought about this, right. So a lot of games nowadays are not worth playing anyway. People are going to realize that sooner or later. All cutscenes make more sense than Let's Plays and whatnot, because if the gameplay sucks, or is the old same, like collecting shit, hide (I can never condone this btw, fuck you, playing hide and seek in a videogame, stealth my ass) or shooting stuff, nobody needs to see it even. It's so boring. The story & the graphics are the only things that's worth any cent you know. Don't get me started.


Anyway I don't care to play the stupid ass games like open world roaming and first person shooters. I'm spelling it out to show you  I'm serious. The stories are trite like always in legend games. Fools are too stupid to try Greek myths so they stick to Norse stuff. Goddamn does it get boring sometimes.

But some cutscenes are alright. Hopefully they at least got it on 1080p.

What I like the most about cutscenes, there are no actors. Actors always bring themselves into the character. Nowadays they think they're more important than the characters, you know what I mean? Fuck that shit. But in games a character is a character. No matter who's doing the voice acting, I don't need to see a human face. How nice is that? That's great mang. You can get all sorts of crazy action, lighting, location and stuff. Like I don't get why animated films are all for children, the characters are all disproportionate retards like in Civ6 , it makes me angry. Always big eyes and smiles too wide.

Anyway hopefully I got the point across.

nice cold dishes

I went out for 2 hours today. It was like nothing.

People are overwhelmed. No one wants to work in the retail industry. I totally get it. But it's easy at the same time. They'll be fine.

Got a Frankfurt invitation mang. I don't know if I should go.

I hear something ROLLING in the sky!!'


OMG it rained for a minute and my window was open because it was blowing that way, and this scary looking bug flew in! It's like a scorpion with wings WTF. Let me Google it to be sure. FUCK ME. It's not that big diary, it's like little and black, but it's really tough and really fucking scary. I wrapped it up in 3 layers of tissues cus there is no way in hell for me to touch it for anything less. I squeezed the tissue ball hard but it's not harmed at all! WTF!! I had to throw the ball out of the window and the moment it's out of my grip the damn thing flew out like nothing happened. Good Lord. I never litter, I was going to get changed and throw it in the trashcan outside like I did to the cockroach. But I felt like the damn thing could get out of the tissue ball any second. Fuck me. I have to be careful with the window now.

The thing is I was right there. I was right there looking at the rain and the damn thing flew in. What about the 99% other times I was looking away? Holy Hell. All sorts of damn things are flying out there.

I'm going to have to turn it down, diary. All the praise in anticipation - that's what a normal human being wants. It does not fit into the larger plan. I'm glad Europa recognize... acknowledge me, but it doesn't know how great I am yet. I am GREATER than what they now know by ten fold

God factor. Ten thousand fold. A hundred thousand fold. It doesn't mean anything.

That's it for now. Thanks for keeping me on track.


It's good to be back. It's my first time seeing Cirque du Soleil and I'm impressed. It's worth it. The costume, stage design, storytelling, not to mention the choreography - it's more than choreography, right? Since it's acrobatics. It's all so very creative, and 75 minutes were fleeting. I felt like I could be a child again.

There is no other reason for me to visit Andorra. I am foolish, diary. I thought I could come at the green area on the map and be in the forest. They're all walled off. I could not find an entrance to the forest. How ridiculous. I walked everywhere. One just can't go into the woods very easily.

I followed the big river Valira that coursed through the city for a while. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to live there if you can't go to the forest in any & all direction.

Andorra la Vella is all shops. One does not need more than an hour for that. It so happens I found myself in need of perfume. And here is the thing, diary. I don't "wear" perfume. I only spray it at home, so I can smell it. If it happens to linger when I'm out, then that's that. But there are certain fragrance I want to feel...

The Juicy Couture ones I tried last month smell different today. One of them smelled like nail polish. Lord no.

Now I have Magnetism from Escada, for fruity flavors. And Bonbon from Viktor & Rolf. It smelled great in the store, I just used now and it smells a bit different. Not as sweet as I remember.  CDC's Black Pepper is on its way. I know it's for winter, but the chill pepper and leather smell will keep me focused.

You require cleanness, you require a clear mind. You require smell, taste, looks, functions. The beauties and fragrance of the world. The struggle as well as happiness of others. The movement of the world. I was away for two days and it looks as if the whole world has turned a round. A million things happened without my knowledge and it feels like I've missed out a ton. How does any of it work?

I'm traveling less and less, diary. Now I know more than ever that I have to be centered.

I'm sane, aware, tired. I got to know the country a bit better, diary. I had some thoughts.

Night diary,

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

No Going Back

I am now sure that I don't want to go back to the past. Even if I could, diary...if I could choose any time, anywhere in the past, not just human history, but prehistoric time... I won't.

I finally understand it now. It is not about "good" or "bad". Both "good" and "bad" are social constructs. Let's beat the dead horse one last time... people want to go back in time to kill dictators, because they were bad. All premises like this fail now. Without considering ramification of time-traveling, taking the action alone, it can't be just. You might think "justice" is a social construct, too. I'm talking about God's justice, meaning God's rule.

Yes diary. You can't go back in time for "good" or "bad". It's wholly unfathomable. There is time, or something that contains... measures the proceedings. But it must proceed, you see? It must go on. All things must go on. Nobody goes back. Even as you're looking at an old photo, nothing is going back. First we have established there is no such thing as a "heart", as in "my heart wants..." the mind retrieves some memory and does some thinking, but nothing is going back.

There is no going back. There is never going back, diary.

It makes me feel a whole lot better.

I am in peace now.

Le vote de Catalonia

I was not even ready for the news.

But, there is nothing to worry about. It's going to be fine.

It's so very late and it's so very funny and embarrassing, but I gotta tell you about two characters I got to know about recently.

Well, I actually "knew" 1 from a couple of years ago. He was one of the gamers who actually knew something about games (done some thinking on it) which is why it drew my attention, but what kept me interested was his take on language. I rarely see someone take language as seriously as me. Now that I think about it, the character I've seen today is also pretty adamant about its position, saying that language is core to a culture. Fine men.

At first there were all sorts of rumors about 1. He bullied children online, that's obvious. I did not care about that. But then I heard he was also a pedophile? I'm like WTF. For the lack of proof and my guts I didn't believe them. Then he revealed to me that the police demanded him shut down his blog (he used to keep a blog with aggressive opinions; the guy was pretty articulate) because his words incited crime. A man read his blog and went slashing some children in a kindergarten. Now I read his blog, too. It amazes me how some people can take hint from that. I mean, how can that inspire any action? But that's what he told me, and he had no reason to lie. I get strong, articulate language is powerful for some people... just not to me. I am so beyond his style.

Anywho, that's that. I stopped talking to him after a month (it all happened online), thinking that I've gotten my fix. But this month I went to the site again checking out random stuff and I found his page. Et voila, hahaha, timing is perfect. It seems the once internet sensation has published a manifesto. It was a fuckton of words, I'd guess about 10000. This guy must be incredibly lonely. He has 100+ followers, compared to when his name was used as a substitute for a psycho on major game or nerd forums. He's approaching 40, and he's... just what his manifesto said: he's keeping his childhood habits, playing with toy soldiers, retro games and most importantly, Sims. He revealed in the manifesto several tthings that clarified his core for me- for anyone who could be bothered to read it.

First, the guy flat out said he was hazing children because he himself had a wonderful childhood, and he did not want other kids to have a good one, too. Now there is no logic in that, nor can I get it. He's triggered by kids playing little MMOs for example, so he messed with their accounts. I wonder if he really can't tolerate other people's joy - that'd be sick - or thinks their hobbies are inferior. When it comes to harmless hobbies, there really is no room for judgment. There is no stupid hobby imo. That's not where he is coming from, but I'm just letting you know.

So that's pretty absurd.

But later he said, and he spent most of the words saying this: he is so proud of the way he lives, and goes out of his way to preserve the "authenticity" of his childhood is bc- he has such an imagination. I paused there for a bit. The proudest feat he's done, in his words, is that he'd been creating this massive universe with hundreds of toy soldiers since he was a kid, and his storytelling and rule-making and role-playing skills are so mad that no novel, film or game can even compare, so he just wants to live in his own fantasy.

I kind of want to say "aww..." because the one thing his life depends on- scope- is what is lacked in my opinion. I suppose he never told this to the public, and he repeatedly used various examples to describe his euphoria when he's making up stories. It's just sad. He thinks his imagination is so wild that he is alone in the world. I can perfectly understand if no one he'd met can appreciate that whimsy. I can, but I'm polar - I understand very well what he means, only it doesn't touch what I have.

It's like having 100 bucks and watch someone go mad in bliss from finding one cent. Curiously, this is also what he feels about others.

But the thing is, it isn't a ladder. I don't feel absolutely superior to others as supposed to him, or me to him. Because I recognize others have a lot I don't - that they're not narrowly defined by their taste, scope and imagination.

Broadly speaking, we still have more in common together than me and a random stranger. Just so you know.

Although here is a creeper - he seems to be crazy about sandbox games, because only in a game with no structure - or minimum restraint / maximum freedom can he unleash his imagination, so he plays Sims. This is the thing that freaked me out : he makes people he knows in real life into in-game characters. WTF. OFC I know people do that. But he's serious. Every person he came across irl that he felt like remembering, every character he created in his stories based on toy soldiers, he put them in the game and plays with them from time to time. He decides to spend his life that way. We're talking about hundreds of characters populating the whole neighborhood. He'd create the Sims with people's photos so they "look real". WTF.

I decided it's time to stop. Interesting character. Pretty smart, serious about orthodox language. Has thoughts about games. Independent, critical thinker. Definitely qualifies for a freak. Only not my kind of freak.

I'm glad I get to end this as quietly as how my investigation started.

Char 2. I read a fuckton of his political pieces today before finding out he's about my age. Well - take it however you want, but I find it impossible to accept any of my peers. Now I am acutely aware of this, that in time I will have to- but not when I'm this age. I must have as few parallels as possible. Our interests diverge and we do what we do best, of course, yes... but as soon as I learned he's about my age I began to look at it far more critically.

I don't know about others, but typically I stop at the 3rd discrepancy. You are my diary, so you don't count. But look elsewhere, I never leave more than 3 discrepancies. It's only natural that when you are older you are unlikely to make inherently conflicting statements, let's say inherent means willing. I am open to ideas, more so facts. The only way to be so sure of yourself younger than old is to strive to be 100% correct.

We all know what 100% correct is.

Anywho, I found the discrepancies soon enough. I also found his elaborate answers on some "poll" questions. You can always cross examine task purpose with response to get a person's habit, lean and personality. I might not be that good at detecting smart people's agenda.

I will be more vigilant.

Frankly I was looking for circlejerk which is why I came across his bits in the first place. Again, a very critical thinker, much more balanced and sane than 1. But both are severely biased. Interestingly, I can relate to 1's bias, but not 2's. So although 2 is more learned, I feel 1 is better at sense-making. I am biased. I fear so-called feelings are a woman's cardinal sin. Every time I mention feelings to you I want to cringe. But I have to be honest with you.

I see it very crisply that my judgment does not come from reason.

At the same time, I also realized that not all things require reason. Some things do not need "figuring out". Go figure.

I pretty much got to know 2nd guy's life story. It's interesting when you record your life online. Not in instagram-blog-twitter kind of way. So long you have a consistent history of posting, opinions say more about you than pictures. Yes, in the age of selfies and screenshot, I can even say a word is worth a thousand pictures. Sounds rad, eh?

Anyway, the more I know about his life, the less impressed I became. It's only normal. I can even argue that the mere keeping up online activity (participatory activity) halts one's personal growth. It's always better to listen and do more than say.

But nevertheless, for all the things I have said, I have learned a lot from the two. It's so rare that I decided I must tell you about it. I found this staggeringly hard-to-come-by thing in the first guy. Of all the radical views I was able to find that special something I thought everyone lacked. I saw hope in the second guy. I'd never met an intelligent patriot, this guy is a first. So it means a lot to me. I can too easily pick apart many of his beliefs, but I know I'm in it for the emotion. When something has a chance to stir my emotion, I let it. It's great.

I think I finally begin to appreciate men like how they appreciate women. Intelligence in a man is like the looks of a woman. Most would argue intelligence trumps looks, which I agree. But I am not like a man or a woman. I could get over the looks - I got over it first because I was born without hubris- but today I found I could also get over intelligence- it's the only way to not see them as competition. When you can appreciate something, and not be mad about it or sucked into it- that's when you've risen above it.

There is something far greater than looks (ofc) and intelligence (now). I have no confidence in relying on anything other than intelligence, which mine is frail sometimes anyway. I am shocked that I am still subject to all sorts of persuation. But never mind. I'll grow past it.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Dutch companies are fucking weird.

I'm not liking all the emails I've received so far. There will come a time I talk about European startups... certainly not now. I'm in a world of grief.

I will suffer

Do I need to suffer more if I already have to suffer this? Every month I have no escape. Every month I bleed and I hurt so bad that I want to die... that I feel like I'm already dying.

I wrote you in a previous entry, the sum of blood loss over a lifetime for an average woman can cause an average adult to die 6.7 times over all at once. A woman bleeds a lot more than any soldier in the history of humanity. Why? Why do they punish us like this?

I looked it up and I feel like I'm fainting. I can't read it anymore. Uh..... uh......... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

No no no no no!!

I really am in severe pain and discomfort. I really am unwell. It makes me question everything. Why, why must I be born a woman, and suffer this?!!!!!

I can't even walk to the pharmacy.

Or can I?


I went. It was too close to not give it a shot. I got Ibuprofen, I took a capsule. I lay on the rug for 10-15 minutes and waited for it to work, and it kind of does.

There is no other organ that is like the brain, diary. There is no way for me to tell the u... uterus.... dear Lord.. "no we aren't going to make babies, so you don't need to do that. You totally don't need to do that every month. we're good forever." There is no way to tell it that. Feet are cool sometimes. Sometimes I bump them into something and I immediately say "shh... shhhh.. it's cool, it's alright", and they stop hurting.

etc. ... etc.

But this period thing, I was never able to assuage it by communicating. Gotta use drug.

I don't get it, diary. There are so many people on this planet. Why is it that girls start to get their eggs ready at such a young age? Do we observe a global trend of late start of the menstrual cycle? I got mine on my 14th birthday, where the official stats said girls unusually get it 13-15, so I'm like definitive norm. But even then it didn't make sense. Nobody should have babies at 14 no matter the law, and it's been this way for at least a hundred years. So people just didn't take time to evolve? WTF?

How about- how about you make it start at 20, right, and make it end at 36? That's pretty generous, right? That's also like the best time for bestest eggs, right? Something like that? So you suffer 16 years, but it gets most of the job done.

It's such a mess, diary. I don't know who's in charge of this stuff.

Phew, as I was writing this the pain subsided a bit more. I'm late as fuck so. Laters.

Saturday, July 1, 2017


I got word... he is already cremated?!

The pace of which... I guess I am the old fashioned one with too much sentiment after all?

Grandfather Passed Away


Grandfather passed away this morning. He was 85.

In solidarity with the family, I will ban entertainment for 10 days. I suppose I will fly back to attend the funeral. There are a lot of actions I can take.

I sat on the bed for a while, trying to feel something.

I know this is a major event. It weighs down on my heart, of course.

Living itself is a near-death experience.

This is the first time that God let it come close. The other 3 grandparents are well.

I am sorry to make it about me. I don't know other ways to live.

I can only imagine that God thinks I'm ready for it. More in the future. Even my own.

I haven't seen my cousin brother in 10 years. I'm going to see him in this scenario.

Oddly, my faith grows stronger.

Let me listen to some sad music.

It's customary to recall memories of the deceased... right?


Grandfather has... is "deceased".  A life has ended.

I've heard stories of the souls of the deceased finding the family. I am... maybe I am too far for grandfather to find me.

I don't share that many memories with grandfather. I don't know where to begin... or end.

I know his body ran on alcohol and cigarettes the past few years, past 10 years even. Yet he was healthy. It was a shock to everybody that he passed away. Father visited him last month and said he was fine.

Father must be devastated.

I don't know what to tell you, diary.

If it were my father, I would be sad, too. Maybe I cannot comprehend the loss of a grandfather, but I can feel the sadness in losing my father. So I'll comprehend the loss of my father's father this way.

He raised brilliant men. Father used to beat me a lot, yes, but I know he is a great man otherwise. And to society, one child means nothing. And uncle is an outstanding man as well. So they done good, yes. Grandfather must be proud. He didn't know what I do, but he was proud of me and my cousin brother, too, the way any grandfather is proud of his grandchildren.

Is there something that existed more than a formality?

He separated with grandma for a long time... till the end. Grandma is used to a city life. Grandfather preferred the country. His hometown, where father comes from. I remember it there. A village connected to the outside world via a very, very, very long and green path... willows on either side, ditches, fields, slopes, knolls, a dam, goats... damn goats always chewing something.

Father may remember it fondly.

It is only when a life has ended we can say something conclusively. "He was a good human being." It can only be said now. Now it's over.

I can't say any more. I don't know more about grandfather.

Nobody heard grandfather's last words. I wonder what's his takeaway from his time on this planet. Why do people keep things to themselves? Useful things, even.

Yeah... grandfather didn't keep a diary. Nobody knows what he's really thinking. Or maybe he was that kind of a simple man?

Why does it seem that the last hundreds of days of an old person is one?  The day repeats... in detached privacy. Is there a note somewhere? Do they think, and abandon the thought entirely? I want to know.

I wish God has left me a clue. What's grandfather to God?

He is just gone, diary. There is one less grandfather in the world.

I owe it to the family to be sad.  I'll try one more time.

A drop of tear comes out of my eye, only because I yawned.

This whole thing has left me a bit confused. There must be significance related to me. Maybe I'll need to know more about him to get it. I know how late, sorry, regretful, and a tad cruel it is.

Grandfather and I were just not close. I will remember this day... and continue with my life.