Thursday, October 31, 2019

PC is wheezing

Every time it gives me that wheezing... I'm sorry, whirring sound I get nervous. Time to update it again.

What the fuck though, this should be able to handle it. I honestly don't need a new card. I need a new cooling system.

No Good Game

Not many anyway.

I literally went through all IGN reviews released for PC this year today. It looks like platformers are making a comeback but they just can't get perspective right.

It seems like people are obsessed with ugly things nowadays. It seems like UGLINESS is the new POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. WHY THE FUCK does it have to encroach on the gaming space

Not fair at all .

Thought about Elder Scrolls. No... I fucking can identify studio & house by looking at matte or texture now - or, rather, I've refined this ability .

Why did I never have time to get back to Warhammer. Oh yeah that's right, I can't stand anything that resembles LOL. How gross is that thing and how gross that it is still popular today. I saw about 10 screenshots in a lifetime and it still grosses me out. There are just things you pay no mind to and know not to involve yourself in even if a billion people have participated in it. Like most MMOs. Or Facebook.

I think Zuck is insane btw. If he wasn't 10 years ago, he certainly is now. Who is going to trust Zuck or Facebook with Libra? WTF. This is one of the sketchiest public projects I've heard of in recent years.

I honestly think I have a normal standard. Like, I think people will benefit & I'd like people to benefit from having this normal standard.

IGN boards are sad as fuck. Nobody goes there now. Where is everyone? Reddit? Gross.

Don't want to play same old ass Japan-styled game featuring samurai swords. The prominent Japanese elements are really played out. It's just samurai swords, baggy clothes, sandals & whatever. Same can even be said for some medieval armor. People don't invent anymore. It's really tiresome. I'm getting burned out just looking at them. This aesthetics is getting OLD.

God, I really don't think I'm asking for too much.

I'll play Anno 1800 actually

Not Tropico

Assassin's Creed. Been sitting for too long. I just hate to play stealth. That ruins it for me. Maybe I'll never play. Maybe I'll cheat and just walk around. Nice scenery. I really care nothing about the gameplay as far as I see. Stealth is my LEAST favorite MO. It's literally insufferable. ( Stealth is ONLY Acceptable in horror & survival )

I'm getting such fucking fatigue from samurai swords. Oh My God. I don't ever want to wield one ever again.

Going to watch Godfather movies again. & git Anno 1800.

Got it.

Might play Division 2 if I'm Really, REALLY bored one day

Oh Metro Exodus, how could I forget. Anno 1800 & this.

They don't ever fix the physics and display on some of these popular ones, I really don't know how people can stand them.

Anyway, Godfather 1-3, 1800, ME & RE2 first...



Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Tuesday, October 29, 2019


I don't have persecutory fantasy. It's a term I clearly remembered from the MMPI 2 test that stings. I don't even know if that test still holds true anymore.

It's very good, very important and very late for me to outline the pattern I've observed about myself. Indeed I've been trying desperately and insofar fruitlessly to avoid the masses. I can easily keep myself in isolation, but their stupidity find ways to seep in. I really truly need to find a way to sever all ties with the hoards all at once. This is not difficult to do even in crowded locations. In fact, I think I can already manage the physical locations. It's the urge within that I need to work on. I need to resist visiting their forums and watch their entertainment. I need to shut off communication with them entirely. In other words, I have to stop being "curious" about them, which is very difficult to do.

I'm truly too caring. That is too big of a weakness. I mean, it's not wrong, but it's a bit too much. I have to get it under control. I can't have it become personal, no.

Monday, October 28, 2019


Did I witness the aftermath of a murder, Diary? No seriously, tell me.

How is it that, at 6PM! 6PM !  I saw a large German Shepherd with a severed human hand in its mouth just strolling on the street in the very, very heart of the city like NOTHING? And I don't know if its owner is homeless. It's very difficult to tell the homeless from the hippies around here. Same dreadlocks. Same nonchalant attitude. Where in the FUCK! Did the dog get the hand? It looks dirty. The wrist is dangling! I saw it! What the fuck! 6PM ! After human shit in the stairwell, I gotta see this!

Yeah, and the 2017 van incident that made international news. It's definitely a happening city. No.

What kind of a person am I? I'm not freaking out. Even as the dog turned to look at me- the hand was dangling in its mouth! - I was not moved. No, I didn't move. I just stood for a few seconds, "is this serious". No, who am I, Diary?

I know this is nothing compared to a day in wartime. I mean. Hey, I'd be - I'm saying.

Who am I. I know what I have to do. I don't really have a choice. It's pretty retarded. I've caused this retarded situation. I've put me in this. I've got to dig myself out.

I haven't even told you about the nightmares I've had since then. You're right, it keeps getting worse. Look what's become of my psyche. What I witnessed was nothing

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Multi- Channel - NIO

Multi- engine

is it too much? that's the question .

Saturday, October 26, 2019

The Worst Nightmare I've Had

The Rot .

It's times like this that remind me words are simply too pale. I'd very much like to describe it to you, but it's just not possible to convey that level of horror in words. I was in this house... it's SUPPOSED to be a place of safety, warmth and comfort. But unbeknownst to everyone, upstairs where everyone was forbidden to go was this dark green room where this HUGE rotten thing (still alive, half human?) was being kept and tortured. I don't know why. It's just impossible to tell you how terrifying it is. It's a meaty, oozing, scab-covered lump that was chained to the wall. Also half-immersed into the wall.

But I still managed to sleep. Remember this still all occurred in a dream. The worst part was - you know how people have the "naked" nightmare where they got naked in public and they panic? Well, this occurred at home. I never woke up from the horror dream but this one popped out of nowhere, that I was naked on my way to a shower and the vomit-inducing creep across the street saw me and dashed to the window. I believe this is the first time in my life that a nightmare woke me from sleep in the gasping manner. This fear is truly deeply instilled within me. Do you know why I only wear my best and prettiest clothes at home and the most unremarkable ones when I go out? This is why. I don't want to be seen by absolutely disgusting people. I will never wear my best outfits outside of a private setting. I WILL CHOOSE who gets to see me at my best. Arguably my worst clothes are better than the best of most.

I need to move.

My head hurts.

Troubleshooting isn't that easy. Not sure what else could've caused this.

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

The optick glasse of humors

Cooling Off Now .

I really hope the stupid thing I did was the only way to open it. Why does the "good old" way seem silly sometimes?

I'm disheartened, Diary, truly.

I'm trigger. I'm cornered.

I'm... just so frustrated !

Monday, October 21, 2019

Will they do an ETA -


Unrelated Note

I'm talking about police brutality. It can never feel like the protesters are asking for it even when the protesters are "asking for it". Ultimately, what led to these pointless, absolutely futile, inane  demonstrations is relenting of power, mostly arms. The other way could lead to civil unrest, a much greater danger to public safety than oppression and opposition.

But. Humans are meant to live freely. Perhaps it truly means that civilians can and should hold personal atomic bombs or at the very least, RPGs.

Modern Warfare Sucks

I just realized why. It's basically bullying. There is so little risk in inflicting injury and pain and unfathomable disparity between the bullies and the victims. You can easily hurt tens of thousands of people without losing 1 life on your end. It's not a fair fight. I'm very much against that.

It's basically picking who do you want to bully. The real "warfare" already happened in the military-industiral complex. It's very frustrating. We're never going to see a good old warfare.

Sword meets a sword, there is some honor in that, because of danger & risk.

Launch whatever onto UNARMED people, there's really no honor in that.

However, some- actually many- would argue war is a means to an end anyway. Totally, and in that sense it's evolved in the correct direction. I don't think so. I think conflict is essential to humanity and the loss of proper war is... well, loss of humanity.

Don't ask why humans have become so callous ever gain.

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Riot schedule pls?

When and where is the riot? It was absolutely peaceful today (during daytime) . There were tourists and performers on Ramblas, ocean front looks nice, people walking dogs... I even went to the avenue where the riot took place yesterday (the one streamed on RT), the one where all the walls got egged? It's like nothing happened! The place is totally calm and clean.

I'm like "oh cool, they're giving everyone Saturday off", and you know, there were guitarists and others performing in front of the cathedral and I was really feeling like this place is chill, then I come home and fix myself a mediocre dinner, and I come online and find another stream of the protest? Where is this one?

I'm not actually asking for the riot schedule, man.

I'd like to take back everything I've said about Tulsi Gabbard. I was very foolish to find problem with her using one word. That was not indiscretion. I now know that she is actually a much more direct and courageous person than I thought. Is she careful? In a way not apparent to me, perhaps. But it's a pleasant shocker that she would be so straightforward.

But the chopper is pretty annoying though. I keep trying to figure out how much fuel it's burning by flying 18 hours a day. I know, I know. Gotta find where they're gathering so as to bring about police vans. It's loud.

Mass media fail

& humans as collective

How attached are you to your own trash ?

I took the trash out a couple of hours ago, and just now, because of my OCD, I had to clear my fridge to get rid of anything that smelled funny or I no longer want. And as I was taking out the trash again I found a previous bag has been slashed.

It's not like a dog, is it? It's not like you left your dog out there for a minute, and you come back and find it slaughtered, and its guts spilling all over the place. It's trash- it's literally trash. Nobody wants it. It still baffles me as to why someone would go slashing trash bags.

I don't get the purpose of protesting. The first time I thought clearly about this was back then with Occupy Wall Street. It IMMEDIATELY, INSTANTLY struck me as UNBELIEVABLY inane and ineffective. It was honestly mind-boggling to me. I don't believe in any form of protest AT ALL. It's 100% INSANE to me. Oh God. Protesting is actually not taking initiative, Protesting is Mass Whining, that's it.

Hear me, Diary.

Protest is Mass Whining.

That's it.

Why are US devs SO BAD at character design ?

It's so hard to look at. It's honestly aggravating. It's like they're all using default models even with mocap. I don't even know how that's possible. It's like, even if you've got this absolutely realistic texture off of a real actor, somehow you can make it so lifeless... Good Lord.

US games tend to have terrible soundtracks too. I've told you before, they're inhuman. They don't know anything human. My God. They will lead the greatest discoveries and help humanity colonize the galaxy, but damn. They really honestly don't know anything about humans.

I keep saying it again and again. A country founded during the industrial revolution... it's in their DNA. They are MACHINES. Well, half-machines. But my conviction only ever grew stronger. Each and every one of them... HALF-MACHINE.


Friday, October 18, 2019

Open Theater

Today is Cleanup Day so I'll let it slide, but I'm seriously moved to observe the open theater tomorrow.

OCD is getting worse

 h e h  .

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Cornered & Torn

I fucking need to dig myself out of this hole.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

How could I have missed it

Considering taking some short tripz .

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

The predictability is killing me a little

it also implies logic. Logic is not always a positive term, sometimes it refers to rigidity. You want a well guided yet elastic mind. 

I think more important tho is to find the way - it really should be a priority - if it indeed exists. 

0 Day

The last couple of days really taught me how corrupted a lot of institutions are. I feel obliged to retract some of my criticism of certain individuals. They are fighting monsters.

Their courage is inspiring, too. I know I'm even more alone but I feel less alone somehow.

Let's Go.

Monday, October 14, 2019

Democracy = Mob rule

I've given this a lot of thought, Diary.

If you have to have Dictatorship, would you rather have dictatorship of One or the Many? The answer is apparent. I've been escaping the scourge of the masses my whole life, fleeing from one scene of stupidity to the next. It's 100% torture. What to do when you have a group of all-too-easily-controlled individuals? And these groups all think the others are brainwashed. It's 100% deadlocked.

If you are so sure of yourself, you wouldn't need to seek to be a part of a larger group and compromise "minute details" that don't seem to affect your guiding principles. I'm just... I just can't handle people in think groups. I just can't.

I don't think I can watch anyone regurgitate any talking point one more time.I just can't. I'm this fragile, Diary, or rather, impatient. I'm really impatient. I don't have that sort of patience.

A Gang is powerful. Everyone knows that. And everyone knows a gang's power is NOT their knowledge. It's this pure bond they formed upon something that could be entirely wrong. If these people are insecure enough they can harness strange power from this fusion. It's totally GROSS.

Finding agreement is supposed to be a difficult thing. It's supposed to be nuanced in this day and age. Everything that's going on truly exposes just how many nitwits and halfwits are out there. It's a terrifying number. It's literally 99 to 1. I had not thought of this ratio. I did not know it's so deep.

I know now.

Their sameness is a penance already, so. I mean. I know what I'm seeing. They themselves suffer already. I guess I'm not really used to getting joy out of people's misery. I maintain that's wrong. I just don't know why are there so many people who don't want to help or better themselves, I guess. It's like they deep down know they're miserable, but they're fine with it, and they'll take any excuse that justifies their misery and hold on to it so tight that they literally form bond around it like molecules.

Many virtues are lost, so very true. But what really gets me is, it isn't about virtues. It's about survival, even. It's about basic happiness and humanity. How do people readily and simply sacrifice and give up all of the above? I don't understand. They just give up. Nobody can help you when you give up.

Democracy = mob rule - does that mean the mob, in this context literally "the masses" have to be defeated? Absolutely. I've had enough of their plain lack of everything except hubris. But the difference of overthrowing a single dictator vs the masses is, you just want to get it over with when it comes to the latter. And there is no sense of honor, no. It's throwing out trash, that's it.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

I've made absolutely sure

I've made absolutely sure I don't need any of it, Diary. Don't need it.

I don't know if this is yet another metamorphosis, prolly just becoming more sure of my conviction.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

All Lean Countries

Luxury is, of course, dream & fantasy but.

Has it occurred to you yet?

All are actually lean countries.



Value of fact vs opinion

Don't get me wrong, both have invaluable values. At times, opinions have more value.

Now is not one of those Times.

Absolute Agency

Destiny & Will .

L i nlr 

Friday, October 11, 2019

Look at this Ad

I want to post some other ones also, but this, every time I see it .  It's just funny and aggravating at the same time .

No Surface To Project Onto

Why it fails.

It's a problem, innit . 

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Hollywood movies don't age well, do they

I don't think I can watch any of it with anybody. It's too cringe!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG TOO CRINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This stuff doesn't age well. Oh WOW. I can't believe it, Diary. What the hell.

In contrast, pretty much all games I like aged well.

W - H - A - T       -       G - I - V - E - S    ?

Oh Hollywood is a pipeline... even now it's a PIPELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my God. I can't believe I didn't follow the pattern in the 03-04 ones. Same casting principles, story line, set &....... Oh Wow.

Just - like any other factory.

Good God. I don't know what to make of it anymore. How long do you think the Netflix model is going to run? Can people actually take this seriously? I don't think I can take this amount of cringe. Oh God. It was NOT apparent back then, but it is now. What is not cringe to others today is clear to me NOW. They will see in the future what I'm already seeing today.

None of this is going to age well. They're trying to create the new standard and in part succeeding. Not forever, not even for long !

Monday, October 7, 2019

Sunday, October 6, 2019

It's getting to me .

Predictable games is finally getting to me.

I don't think I can play non-fantasy or non-open-world games anymore.

It's so sad.

Harrowing experience 100

One of the most obnoxious things is getting someone's hair in your face.

For some reason I just thought of this. Standing too close to someone -  in this context a girl with long hair -  and she just shakes her hair and it gets in your face. It's not something I can tolerate.

I just find hair disgusting. If you're not tying it up you should not be shaking it in a dense crowd. It's too GROSS.

I find most things about most people GROSS to be frank. There is still reason to single it out.

Which one? Which one?

Not in the game .

Saturday, October 5, 2019


Does this many iterations make you:

1. nauseous ?
2. annoyed ?
3. other 

Friday, October 4, 2019

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Basics & Perfection

Pursue both.

lose both.

Nothing is left. Whose version of "the perfect world" it is right now?

On its way.