Monday, September 30, 2019


I've had some of the most retarded thoughts ever .

It bothers me because they don't facilitate producing the best thoughts .

Sunday, September 29, 2019

"Cesare Paciotti"

Don't fucking forget the name again. I'm throwing away the label. This is my favorite brand for nightwear (not lingerie), NOT La Perla .

Condensed Content

& extrapolation .

Why do we keep Diaries

@ least mine is in the right place .

Friday, September 27, 2019

Before I forget

You wouldn't know it, but these days have the best temperature. May - June & September - October - hands down the best months.

Lot of Anger

I don't want to see circlejerk anymore .

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

I don't kno

I Googled "What to do with marinated chicken wings" today, because I don't... I bought it and I know I can quickly cook it tomorrow but I don't know how.

Oh wow. Say no more.

I said WHO !

If only those Patreon tards drew inspiration from this


- Not

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

I understand alcoholics now .

I had a glass of sherry w/ sugar & haven't had other food today. Not even 10 gnocchi. Don't need food at all.  I think I understand now -

Or is it that I'm too troubled to eat.

I must've lost my appetite 6 years ago.

Monday, September 23, 2019

Who the fuck runs this server .

I think last night might've been the most ill I've ever been .

I always emerge from this- anyone can- it's the shape you're in afterward .

( if - )

Clarity is the only thing I'm after.

Clarity is the only thing I gain in life .


Worst Case Scenario

I'm rolling my eyes at this, but I can't waste any more time on it.


I'm really... fucked!

Should always prepare for the WORST

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Event Tonight

I was right, Diary.

It would've  been weird for me to be there tonight- look at all these old heads. but damn it, it's in Sagrada Familia & I want to go see the next one. You know it's not built as a tourist spot, you know the rules are there for religious reasonz. Now I'm not Catholic at all so it'll be immense pressure for me to stand among a bunch of religious fundamentalists, but damn it, I want to go see it live. This is for the true purpose of the basilica's design .

She actually sings & sings pretty well imo

The rest of them also sing but they sing rather . . terribly .

Supposedly the devils went out and about for a bit
n quickly defeated by the choir . . .

The choir is pretty impressive actually 
Finally, there it is! The chant I've been listening to & trying to understand.

You know, this is true culture that's endured time. This is why Sagrada Familia was erected. Gaudi himself prolly watched these plays.

Sadly, I'm too dumb to even understand the role of each character in this old, old play.

then some people show up with knives . . ? 

n everyone starts putting on hat . . 
& they carried her bed away .

I'm reminded of all those parades I saw where people carried Virgin Mary. One time they passed by this street &  Oh I just remembered it was actually an effigy of Jesus & his head got caught in the power lines. They got it free & the crowd cheered. It all happened right under my windows .

Final Chant. T H E  E N D . 
You know, this is good. It could've felt very holy back in the day, but also -

it's made me appreciate more the chaos & opportunities of today .

Oh this is the final form of Mary ( is it ? ) 

The End - think again ! 

- T  H  E   E  N  D  -

List of people I don't want to see

What the fuck is wrong with these people

Why the fuck do they pop out of nowhere all of the sudden

I don't want to see Greta Thundercunt mentioned anywhere ever again .

A List of Things that Won't age well

Lots of items

& I accept it .

 I will never work out my anger issue 

I do owe her .

I Suppose .

The More I think about it , the clearer it becomes to me that

It is my own problem & I do owe her , after all .

I alone can fix this

I will .

Saturday, September 21, 2019

I want to throw up

I feel pretty defeated & I want to throw up .

Which Means

We're all means to an end .  0

Subjectivity Serves Objectivity 0

My Greatest, Deepest Fear

You can't fundamentally relate to people from hundreds of years ago.

Maybe not even those not your contemporaries.

0 - 1

I feel like each and every person is sick sometimes. Certainly too sick for my liking.


Strange dreams.

I don't remember them.

They're taxing as always.

weather report says... well- we'll see.

I've been thinking about some other things as well, but nothing keeps me up at night anymore.


and uh... I dusted out my PC ( compressed air isn't that impressive )  but by the sound of it I thought it was going to hang again . . .

It's so right. One thing can fix all of these problems .

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Stop thinking about new wheels

& Stop thinking about the last harrowing experience of finding out about the new wheels .

 - t r 1 0


I had many sobering moments these past couple of days.

( another community collapsing . . )


That's right, Diary - Choose what you see. Choice is Will's Representation .

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

De-ranked Websites

Now Google has me worried . 

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

The Real Use of CRISPR

& CRISPR-related, CRISPR-like tech.

I can't believe these idiot who concern themselves with endangered species. Oh God. Don't they know? Of course not. They will only look infinitely more stupid in the future. I can't wait to see how right I am.

That's also when I realized Serpent Fly Pond may not stay a dream after all. I can materialize it.

Serpent Fly Pond

I'm almost broken just thinking about how good a Serpent Fly Pond is. 

You go to the Serpent Fly Pond, and it's just all of my friends... serpent flies are so loyal and clever. 

I don't know why I just LOVE this unit... 

I wouldn't lug around hundreds of core of any other kind, except skeletons in necro for you know why, but serpent fly is an exception. It's so realistic. I just keep imagining I will go to this pond in summer and it's the serpent fly pond, and we're all friends there. We trade story and intelligence. I'll have an army of serpent flies! 

That's the Only scenario where summer is enjoyable. 

I will start recording some of the maniacal laughter in the street starting tomorrow (at random). You'll see what I have to put up with. I swear to God people don't know what they sound like. 

Now imagine we're at the Serpent Fly Pond... the weeds are combed gently by the wind... the sun is warm... and it's me & all of these friendly creatures... I rest for a bit... we talk about how to breach the next stronghold... life is good. 

If you fantasize about anything that CAN happen in real life, good for you- it's COMPLETELY different than this. I can't see how any of this can materialize. 

Life is suffering, so much suffering. The nightmares are back. A bunch of other petty things I don't want to deal with as well. Life is pure pain endurance. 

Too much pain - not getting what I want. 

Monday, September 16, 2019


Oh wow Tulsi is going off the rails. Let's not talk about that first .

Last night I realized- I found an explanation for many topical phenomena.

Let's take the English Channel for example. You weren't allowed to venture solo across the English Channel as a means to get back and forth between England and France. For whatever reason. Prolly not even out of concern for your safety. Now you can-  that doesn't mean you should. In many cases, too, the options that have been opened up to everyone should only be exercised by a tiny minority. Like that hoverboard guy.

A lot of these topical phenomena are no less dangerous than venturing solo across the English Channel. Just because you have new freedoms doesn't mean you have to flip. You don't have to switch. If what you were doing was right, there is no need to change. On the other hand, if the law forbids you to do the right thing, in my opinion you should do it anyway.

It truly is a good epiphany. All of the sudden I distinguish all the things people do to be trendy. Just look at the timestamp. Has it happened shortly after that option became available? The sheer availability will facilitate people to choose.

So that's another piece of the puzzle solved.

On One exploit 

This has been grilling me for a while now. I'm not sure if I should be drilling at 1 exploit. It's good, but the fact that it's open to the public every once a while- let's say 2-4 times a year- gives me pause . . . I can have it every day of the year, so in a sense it's at least 100x better than what everyone else is getting. The field is big enough, #1 in the world if I care- I do a bit- & I know I'm the only one who owns it.

On the other hand, it does cost me time, which should be dedicated to other things as well. This aspect of my life should not be time-consuming at all, it's like a premise.

I'm only getting fairness in my opinion, which is what it's supposed to be. I shouldn't dwell on it. I can't let the exploit exploit me. It's been over a year & it's definitely transformed me to an extent, but I can see the ceiling of the change that could take place. It's demystified a lot of things for me, too.

Overall, a good one; I need to get a grip.

On Others 

OK. On Tulsi. I'm totally an outsider to American politics, but anything American can afford this illusion of being inclusive and involving. The fact that Washington is becoming more fascinating than Hollywood signifies a good thing- mass awakening of consciousness & is entirely on the fault of the latter- US' greatest propaganda arm I'd say. I think I've come across the WORST adaptation of Sherlock Holmes yet. It was so awkward & hard to watch that I had to stop.

On Tulsi. I saw a screenshot earlier today and thought for sure it was doctored, because it's so uncanny she'd say that. But on the off chance... I checked her Twitter anyway and found out it's real? Do you really say things like that, Tulsi? I think she's become unhinged and deranged. Like the inner working of DNC has broken her faith. You'd think soldiers have steely mind, not when they're not abroad, they don't. I can clearly see she's breaking down. It totally ruined her image. Look, I know she planned to be aggressive when she went after Google and I applauded her for being bold when she said she'd pardon Snowden and Assange. But whenever someone crossed her it really got her on nerves and she still perceives the world from a foot soldier's perspective rather than a leader's. You don't say the B word Tulsi. Never. There are harsher names you're free to use that won't destroy your legitimacy. That word is not presidential, it's not leader-like.

I have to assume that she knows this and she's going to crash and burn anyway. Politics is too mercurial for a hardened mind. Perhaps your perspective won't sway after witnessing actual deaths, but the whole country can't be overseen by a narrow perspective.

I just collapsed. I don't know what I've done today that got me so tired but here you go.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Don't you know I want to C U M


Let's talk about trans for a second. I fundamentally identify with the pain they're suffering. I knew long before the term became widely used that "gender dysphoria" is a real thing, but the tricky part is I don't believe what's on display right now is a genuine reflection of what lies within.

There are categories within trans people, of course, and I don't know any of them. I just know that the drag queen shows (RuPaul) I stumbled upon- this culture really feels like a parody & mockery of women more than anything. I can't say I know exactly what men are experiencing when they want to become women. I know what some women must be feeling and oddly, no gender reassignment surgery will fix it.

The most important thing that separates men and women is their role in reproduction. Cutting off your genitalia doesn't change that ( lest eliminate it ), so I don't understand why people do it. You just go from one sex to no sex, not the opposite sex. Unless a man can become pregnant somehow or a woman can ejaculate cum and impregnate, there is really no point.

So that's why I've never given the trans thing any thought. It stops right there. I've accepted it and this dysphoria can live in my head.


In my head, it's tormented me 1000000000 times.

I really want to know what it feels like to cum and impregnate someone. It's too good being a man. Imagine all the services. Look, most females exist solely to serve men. So many of them spend most of their time to make themselves look good, that's it. And when they walk on the street anyone can look at them. The man they want attention from is prolly hanging out in a private club somewhere or working, both she's too dumb to get in. In the meantime all these gross-looking, t-shirt wearing assholes on the street get a free view. What a life. Babes everywhere. There are just too many beautiful women and I'm too straight. I'm a carnivore stuck in a vegetable garden.

I'm glad the whales and hardcore dykes are out there campaigning, bc if they truly believe in what they preach, they're better than me. I've long lost hope in this gender. Most women are dumb as rocks and hard-wired to please men. Nearly every woman I've come to know in every city I've lived in  in every country is the same. It's fucking nuts. All I can think of is how good it is for a man to enjoy all this.

I had this notion though: what if it's reverse and the camwhores are men- it freaked me out instantly. No. It doesn't work that way. Women's seduction is women's seduction. Seeing femininity in men makes me want to puke. I might as well puke bc of what's going on today...

I think war can fix a lot of these problems.

But anyways. In conclusion, I still don't know what pushed trans people to go through transition, like what are the convincing, legitimate reasons. I have not found any. But fundamentally I relate to them. Well, half of them. Why in the fuck would anyone want to become a woman. Give me a break.

One rhetoric I often see is women's lives are easy. Yeah but those are also despised. If you're a humanitarian, you ought to recognize the humanity and dignity in others even when they themselves don't. Do you know what I mean? Like a girl has no self respect and trades sex for money (for about 10 years tops), you shouldn't be saying her life is easy, that's outright retarded even as an observation. You ought to see the humanity in the person and feel sorry for the fact that she doesn't have a clue in life and that she's rotting as a human. Even if you can't help her, the feeling is sorry and not envy. I have no doubt many men would in fact happily live an easy life this way as some low life- many do- but like I said, as a humanitarian, I only see the deterioration in humanity.

There have been too many lies and acts of egregious injustice committed against women that I don't think will be fixed in the short remainder of humanity. It'd be good, sure, but we don't have time for it and we can't act fast enough. I can't say this human experiment was successful. I think much of human potential has been wasted. I think we could've had flying cars by 7th century. But no, men had to turn MOST WOMEN into fuck toys and house maids.

No for real, we could've had flying cars by 7th century. Suppose 1% of women are not retarded, we could've had flying cars by 7th century, and more.

What a waste. What a waste!

And by my own observation, h'what is the non-retardation rate in men? About 1 in 1000. Heh. Fancy seeing a woman bending over backward to cater to some dumbass man. "Will he notice this little tweak in my appearance, be it hair, makeup or clothing?" No just strip naked. And don't say you also wear it for other women, we're not gay.

Sad as fuck, man. If only MOST WOMEN can accept that men are simple-minded creatures and stop trying so hard, it would relieve so much tension. No one should spend that much time getting ready. Why don't you try to make HIM look good so it motivates you to fuck him? What's the objective here?

I don't think I can visit pornhub for the rest of the year. That place is sad as fuck, oh God. I'm sorry for this diatribe Diary but the floodgate is open. Every time I go to pornhub I'm saddened by the kind of sex people are having. In this time and age, still so uncreative and unpassionate... it's so fucking sad. I don't have any other word. Oh God. So sad. I can't believe it. Even the professional ones of course. Then I thought maybe the good ones don't want to film it. Kind of selfish but understandable ... I would know, don't you think?

Anyway. because of this mentality I have- I love myself and accept who I am and who I want to be, I embrace and endure the pain and need massive amount of satisfaction to overcome it, so I have standards. I really fucking need both parties to be hot and beautiful and really fuck hard. I really don't know if it's wise- prolly NOT- but I really might have to illustrate some day. It is insane how outstanding and lonesome I am in some fields, Diary. It's insane.

What would you feel if everyone at the party describes this delicious gourmet food to you and how popular it is, how prestigious it is, how coveted it is, whatever, and when they show it to you it's a fucking BLT sandwich. FUCK OFF. I'm pressing hard at this urge to show them.

I really feel like an IMPORTANT ART is lost among humans. You know they imitate what they watch so... it's like all downhill from then.

Onto something else. Disk writing speed is kind of slow. I may be getting 1 iPhone 11. It still baffles me how a phone is supposed to cost more than a laptop. I just can't justify it. I also can't make sense as to why they must become bigger every year while pocket size stays the same. The fashion industry and the tech industry need to have a honest conversation. Could be why people have to have phones in their hand all day bc they can't stuff it in their pocket. I really don't care about the camera. You know most phone reviews I read recently don't even talk about RECEPTION. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHAT DO YOU NEED A PHONE FOR. Again I really can't justify the price anyone's paying for these shitty features. A lot of these is just people wasting time. An idiot is going to do what an idiot does. When you have saved an idiot from labor, he's not going to go on and improve himself let alone the society. He's going to have inane conversation with his idiot friends to pass the time. Ask the dumbass who lives on the street who fucking laughs for no reason for hours on end every single day. It gives me PTSD.

Again, I think Spain is great, but their joy has scarred me. Their laughter has damaged me beyond recovery. I wish they could tone down and stop laughing for a second. I don't think there is anything in the world that can keep a Spaniard down. I can't think of anything. Sure, they might cry, but prolly not ruminate. It really traumatizes me to encounter people who laugh so loud so easily. It really is traumatizing. It'd be raining for an hour and it's all wonderful and quiet in the street. AS SOON AS  the rain stops, like 10 seconds afterward, people would swarm the street and start LAUGHING. WHAT- THE- ACTUAL- FUCK. This is like a true nightmare for me.

I can get through this, Diary. Despite everything, I appreciate what I have. This is objectively my only choice at the moment. I don't view it as everybody does, but I can appreciate it. Their positivity is truly grating... but I can get through this.

You & me together.

Oda Non

Oda-non, beautiful bastard... not my style but I can definitely get off to this . . .

Good to know there's someone good out there. there are like only 3 adult manga artists who's worth something lol .

Diary, be patient.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Work & knee

People do other types of work nowadays .

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

I've pleasured myself so much that I lost 10 pounds

in the last month or two. Either that or the new portion-controlled diet.

I think it's the diet.

I got a lil excited . . .

I got a lil excited by how good the weather is today and I thought about sex for over 10 hours. I do't think I was paying attention to anything I was doing.

Thing is I can't get used to it. Sooner than I think this city is going to return to its sunny hell.

I'm telling you climate can modify one's personality. Those who live in cold, rainy climate are more logical and reserved. I can't at the moment. I mean it's OK. If you learn about the world it's like no city is worth living in. Who knows. I'll visit Paris. I don't know when.

What you're seeing in the world is a L E V E L I N G  E F F E C T .  OK? Got it, Diary? Leveling effect. That's fair. It's bound to happen. Some realize this. Time is F A I R .

Good to have a new character ( not really ) to masturbate to .

Let's see- what else . . .

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Will it . . .

I can't believe - however brief it is - it's raining season now. I enjoyed the downpour yesterday, thoroughly.

Thank God.

Thank you, God.

Life is constant trade-offs, never on equal terms. It seems so a lot of times, but it is not.

- what to do with what we have. You're correct, Diary. I've done nothing with some of the things I have- to set aside time for what's important. It would be a loss- and a shame on my part if I didn't spend the set aside time to do it.

Unfortunately, to be totally honest with you, that's what I've failed to do for a long time. I regret it every day. I can only hope by telling you this I can do better now.

I can be tremendously stupid sometimes; you know this. At the same time, I'm not.

I'd still say that I'm aware the state of my mental health is far from ideal. It's the first time I worry what they might diagnose me with. I don't have to worry about that, though. And unlike before, for the first time I'm not interested in self-diagnosing either. Perhaps it's because I've lost faith in the medical system. Perhaps I just know.

Either way. Will it . . .

 - -

it's raining . .  i've never been more encouraged  .

Monday, September 9, 2019

Getting angry

I'm nearly getting angry at myself.

I've been trapped in a logical swamp of paradox .

Do I wish to be right - or no -

Friday, September 6, 2019

for scale .


I can eat no more than 10 gnocchi per day. Yes I only eat one meal / day, but that meal cannot be more than 10 gnocchi in size. I'm talking about regular gnocchi, like store bought, Rana gnocchi. What to do with this portion size. It's too difficult. It's too painful to eat more than this. Yet I literally don't need any more. My body is too efficient.

It's not a bad thing, is it.

Thursday, September 5, 2019


Are you proud?

I tried to read Carl Jung yesterday. It only brought me despair. I read the part about dream analysis. It's just pure despair. Maybe all that I like is one sentence.

This one sentence: " People don't have ideas. Ideas have people. "

This was enough to compel me to read his works. I don't even know the context of that sentence (yet). Yet all that I've found so far is despair.

I don't need any of it.

Progress is bound to bring boredom. Or I'm looking in the wrong places.

Anyway. It's just disheartening. Imagine not being able to extract fun and solace even from the dead.

Help me, Diary - help me help myself.

No. I know what I need to do. I mean in addition to.

It's just... life is too much disappointment, Diary .

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

all sorts of hell

There are all sorts of hell on earth, Diary .  Did you know ?

this dude had 7000 channels blocked

I have 1700. But like he said it stopped working. And I feel as many do the repulsion when all of the sudden all the channels we despise come flooding back. I prolly should never pay attention to Trending anyway because it's always irrelevant content in there- still.

In life not only is it important to gain what you want but also to lose what you don't want. Just maybe- most things aren't desirable .

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Pinch myself, stab myself

whatever it takes to get normal



N  O  R  M  A  L  

N  O  0   

Immense Pressure


Read the stats, do the math - it's not that hard.

I've 100% given up hope.