Wednesday, July 24, 2019

What shit will today bring ?

No one knows ( f o r  n o w )  - See you in a couple of hrs

Monday, July 22, 2019

Infinity is what I'm talking about.

How big of a part of infinity .

S R L .



(economist fixed their bug btw - bummer)

I'm afraid of the ocean

Imagine being stranded in the middle of the ocean.

The ocean is too big. Imagine.

Oh No!

Or be in the woods at night. What is out there? Nobody knows.

Or be at a festival with 0 people you're familiar with.

I'm afraid of entirely too many things.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

I hate this world so much.

I hate what's being offered so much . Unrelatable. Thoughtless. Low Quality. Ugly. Old. No. NO! NO ! 

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Screeching TV Shows

SCREECHING when you discover your power

SCREECHING when you use your power

SCREECHING when you see the monster

SCREECHING when you lost someone


I can't watch any of them anymore. My head literally hurts.

Stop fucking screeching.

Women in TV 1/2:

Women in TV 2/2:

I know they're only actors, but fuck it, man. There are only crying women and screeching women. It's disgusting. I can't take it - at all. No more. Not one bit more. My natural response when I see crying and screeching has evolved in a weird way, opposite way. Diary, you know what I mean.

I mean, it's been such a long time and they're still doing this - & getting away with it! Is no one else (at least) as bored as I am? Is no one else annoyed by this? What the fuck. You don't need to cry or screech if you're "empowered", whatever the fuck that means in the industry.

Do people actually enjoy women crying or screeching? Oh wow. I can't imagine that. It's an unbearable thought.

Well Diary, I have not seen a good film in a while. The last one I told you about was filmed in 2000 actually. Let the insane people watch other people screech and derive joy from it. I'm out.

a life well led

I do believe people are (supposed to be) private creatures.

Privacy is key to happiness.

Then again - what do I know about happiness . . . ?

Friday, July 19, 2019

Ringing Migraine

for some reason I get this ringing migraine around 1am. I mean even in bed. My sleep is in 2 stages now. 1st stage, pretty much no sleep. I roll about 1000 times and each position is more painful than the last. I get up to pee. Enter stage 2. I pass out out of exhaustion, have a dream and wake up somewhat rested. Stage 1 is totally wasted.

I don't know why .

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

nightmare... not nightmare

It seems I have the ability to talk to animals in my good dreams.

I have to be willing to walk anywhere.

Are you?

Some people are loud.

Who are they trying to convince ?

Some people are old . . . yet not dead .

The energy that was used to produce hundreds of billions... literally trillions of people, was wasted. The result . . . is this.

Diary, if you could start over with the sole purpose of minimizing the waste, how would you do it?

Will you still pardon these people?

How would you do differently?

Monday, July 15, 2019

Point of Compromise


I want you to know- today is the day & now is the time. I have officially crossed the point of compromise. Life will be clearer and less stressful from now. I'm done bending. I want you to know, in case I wonder in the future (I WILL)- now is the time.

Erasing all self doubt is a good feeling .

It may be rare, but if what you want is what you want, you have to get it- n waste no time on anything else.

& that's right, you should only keep things that make me happy. I have confidence to do this now knowing what I subjectively approve is also objectively correct.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Veteran interest vs government interest

Once again I'm a lil surprised they're at odds. You're volunteering in the troops, willing to fight for your country & possibly lose your life over it. But you have no faith in many major government departments? You want to avoid the government? YOU FEAR THE GOVERNMENT? You're afraid of the Treasury?? What the actual fuck.

Military is interesting. I guess I don't know about these people after all.

It's interesting. What does military feel about FBI/CIA/TAX DEPTS - n vice versa!

Friday, July 12, 2019

You know what it means .

It's "proper" summer and you know what it means.

British tourists start trashing this city all over again. If you look randomly anywhere after it gets dark, you'll see British tourists vandalizing here, there & everywhere. I just saw them trying to pull off an ornate doorknob from a historical building and then jump-kicking store windows. WTF. Poor city. I hear they've been at it for decades now.

Barcelona is a beautiful city with fucked up way-too-sunny weather, and I really hope there is a way to keep trash=tier tourists from visiting it. I didn't have this understanding when I first got here, but now I know I truly care for this city. Europeans already know this for way to long but they aren't hurting like me or the locals. I get a lot of what's on people's mind now.

Poor submarine force

No, I don't actually mean that.

One of the hardest works

One of the hardest works around the house. Today I used the solution that contains caustic soda to clear the pipes. This is the second bottle, I wrote about the first one. I actually couldn't get the cap open on this one so I sawed an opening on the side with a pair of scissors. I know.

How do you describe the smell when it reacts with organics in the pipe? Good God. I almost passed out holding my breath. I ended up having to stand right next to the open window and actually sticking my neck out for air.

Not. Good.

This should give me another 6 months of peace. I'll be out by then, hopefully. I don't know.

There is more than one person in the Navy. You have to remember there are literally tens of thousands of US Navy people around the world. I casually interacted with too many of them by sheer chance. It's not a rare thing. The whole idea and prestige of a military force kind of breaks down when you interact with them on a one-on-one basis. I have to say, some of them are really, really goofy.

I don't actually know how well trained or disciplined troops of various countries are today. The more I know, the more I don't know. That's not part of their plan- but it's OK.

I have to stop pulling my hair out.

3rd topic now. Individual Will vs. "Team" Will

Diary, I still am not 100% sure if God judges people individually or collectively. Individuality is a highly amorphic ontological object.

At the same time - God has made it simple for me . I will not have "Team" Will anyway. I will not participate in a team anyway. Even when I lead, I don't feel like I'm part of the team. Is that crazy, or normal actually. OK.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Drone shot

Man do you think Google Earth is using some of S' tech? Cause she was doing the exact 3D scanning thing years before it was polished like it is today. It's so good now.

Californian roommates. It's weird what sort of people are attracted to Japan. It's not what Japanese people are told at all.

Well, I've found some new truth and angles in well elaborated conspiracy theories. There is no going back, but like I said, I'm going to focus on my own mission. The world will go its way... under the right guidance.

Now. EUR VS USD. I often contemplated the issue/strength of dollars. One time it just occurred to me- "Forget the dolphins, save the dollars!" - that was a psychotic slogan. No. I'm saying, when will Europe have its own federation. The thing is, it can't be like the EU. The membership has to be total and instant. Not only does it have to define itself geographically and politically - geopolitically, in an unanimous fashion, which has never been done before, Brexit just showed some countries can't cede an inch of their ego because of history.

Without a federation, I don't see how euro can out compete dollar.

People keep talking about crypto. They're doing all sorts of experiments on distribution now, some pretty radical (at first sight), which is absolutely right. Lay off the imaginary world changing ramification for now, put it in a small, observable sandbox and see how it goes. The very initiating/issuing/offering/mining/distributing of coins, the very very first steps, in my opinion is the most problematic. In all honesty & with all the hype, crypto HAS NOT passed the proof of concept stage. It honestly is really NASCENT. & I don't know if you noticed, it has actually been a long period of time since the first crypto. People are not late to catch the train. The train hasn't been through a successful test run. Do you really want to get on? No one is missing out. This proof of concept stage has lasted longer than many real world currencies'.

So I get why people hype it- any coin, really, because the proof of concept stage involves innumerable iterations, and the truly disruptive way is paved with martyrs. Some people scam others and some get scammed, I can sympathize but I want no part of that. There was a gay kid (why, the first thing I ever heard him say was "my boyfriend this and that") trading bitcoin in my... I don't even remember what class it was. Anyway, he was the only one in the class trading bitcoin in 2012. He was also the only one, or one of the few, that used Silk Road. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Oh, it's because I emailed and asked him about Silk Road and he ended up trying to sell me bitcoin. Why Officer, I was just curious. Anyway, every time I see news of the price surge I think back on that. Kid's pretty elusive & I don't know if he's filthy rich now.

But like I said, Diary. We can invent crypto, we can colonize Mars. The fundamental question does not change. Surprisingly, converting whole economies to cryto or living on Mars does not change humanity one iota. "Why are you so obsessed with humanity." Diary, I know. Who knew when the abstract gains real life utility, it becomes less sexy?

I even wonder if heavily genetically edited humans can redefine humanity. I suppose it would. Only when the brain is altered. A bionic arm can still be thought of as an arm, bionic eyes can still be thought of as eyes, because their purpose is defined by their function. What is the purpose of the brain? We don't know. We know some functions of the brain, how it regulates the rest of the body. But we can't define an objective purpose for the rest of the brain power or indeed name its function. There arises a third position beside dualism and monism, where the brain is considered separately but one with the psyche. Therefore, only when the brain is altered can the perception be truly changed. The way we think of things. How a brain functions can't be mimicked. I can't fathom that. Not as if I don't want it, I want it badly.

I have to imagine hard.

Oh btw, because of the damn heat, I have had no dreams at all these days.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I'm so . . .

We don't need a lot of this stuff. Fuck it.

Once again, for some things, once I know - I don't care anymore. 

A lot of things. I'm going to get what I want, that's it. I won't participate in the false economy. 

I've always been clear on that . 

Monday, July 8, 2019

What I want it to be .


You know, the world is in part what I wanted it to be. When I was little, I wanted so badly for men to wear colorful clothes and skirts & people to have crazy hair colors. It's finally happening. Not exactly the way I envisioned- on the surface level- but the spirit is exactly what I wanted. This part is good.

I'm a lil bit less bored visually .

Not confirmation bias, just confirmation .

I opened Rainy Mood, because it's like, I think if I was trapped in a desert I'd open Rainy Mood.

Then it actually started raining!!! For the first time this whole entire summer!!!!!

I still have to go through the long report. It is... so... long. Author said it's 100,000 words, half a book. But I have to do it. It's disheartening. The well researched content makes me think distrust among countries should be eternal, which directly conflicts with my vision for the future, which I believe is the direction the world is going regardless of any imposing obstacle, a border-less world.

The only thing after this is to figure out in how many ways and which is the best this can be deconstructed. Many people talk about the Collapse. I really want to know how or when. Since there is a pattern, I really should be able to tell. I feel like I've said this exact thing months ago.

I'm not an anarchist at all, Diary.

Sunday, July 7, 2019



I'm really starting to think innocence is synonymous with ignorance. Is that right? I think the only thing people like about innocence is its simplicity, wait, and also kindness.

It's interesting.

But more than anything, I begin to find all of it so stupid. I'm much better at combating my own stupidity than others', which only results in the same misery I've endured all my life. I appreciate those who have the patience and heart to communicate with ignorant people. They sure helped me on multiple occasions. For some reason, as soon as I learned something I become tired of it and don't want to talk about it forever. I then proceed to assume the world knows about it, too and get disappointed when it's inevitably proved that they don't.

It's pretty wrong. However, I think I know why. I only have time to care for myself. This is a self-evolved protection.

I know why. That's important, and good.

No matter how disappointed I am, one thing is for sure. The world is getting brighter and brighter every day. Information is finally getting out there and spreading everywhere. A silver lining.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Friday, July 5, 2019

Comic con


I just want to quickly throw it out there: PAX East 2010/2011 (I don't remember, holy shit I just found out 2010 was the first one, so that's prolly why) wasn't so bad.

Now? Now a comic con seems to be a freak show.

No wait. I just looked in my mailbox, I went in 2013. So the 4th one. OK. Still wasn't too bad. Went to Newbury afterward & got caramel apple at the market. Good Grief. I owned a Boston Red Sox hat. Don't tell anyone.

Anyway, I just want you to know that's the only comic con I've ever been to. Don't think of me as one of those, Diary. I won't let you.

What I just told you a lil earlier tho, I could be one of those and still be absolutely normal compared to the fucked up people I've read about.

Fucked up information

Fucked up information sends me down... or up... or some other direction in a particular spiral.

I want to figure out what will become of the earth in the future. No no, it's not climate change talk, well sort of, but I want to see as far as possible. I want to figure out exactly how many ways the earth can end. I kind of figured that what if dead rocky planets all had life before and they simply did not survive. More than that, I'd like to know if the reason we don't see other intelligent life out there is because they wiped themselves out.

I'd like to pretend as if I have the power to decide: should humanity survive?

But taking a step back, it's also: can humanity prevail?

If humanity can prevail they should certainly survive.

So now it's not a question of "should" but whether we can.

Conscience still plays a part in this.

I simply don't have the energy to explain to people, Diary. I always dreaded this. I can't explain the same thing twice. I can't even bring myself to tell people my name... it's gone to the point where I'd rather make up a casual alias every time- to strangers that I don't plan on associating with, of course.

It's not that I like to lie, I hate lying. It's just I'm at the point where I really cannot tolerate repetition. I'm also at capacity for falsehood.

I just don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't already know about me anymore. No, I can't do it anymore. People have to educate themselves. I've very rarely got into debate, and it's so draining. Feeding information orally is something of antiquity. It's over now.

I know my expectation is off. I know not everyone is an information sponge. But I just can't. There are too many stupid people. It's not possible for anyone to talk sense into them one by one. It's not doable. They themselves must be open to new ideas and contradicting ideas. They themselves must decide to think. Once they decide to think, all the information they need is out there.

I can't do it, Diary.

Thursday, July 4, 2019


Every time I thought I found a new threshold for tolerating disappointment, the world manages to break it.

Oh God, Why.

Why, Diary?

There is so little good & too much disappointment. It's all just so... disappointing. It's too disappointing. I live the word. I feel it every minute of every day. Who shares my concern.

I want to accept new things.

There are no new things to accept.


There are no acceptable new things.

But still. right now it's

There are no new things to accept.

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

I gotta say

Sephiroth, Lightning & Vincent Valentine are the only non-retarded names in the whole Final Fantasy franchise. I can't even look at these names. . .  Oh God. Mad naming technique LOL

How can you deal with all the silly names. The fanbase is truly something. People can be incredibly tolerant. People are NOT perfectionists. Too bad.

The stories are pretty shitty, too. Graphics didn't really pick up until 2001 with FF10. There are actually some 2019 Sonic level characters/creatures, I hope people remember that.

like WTF - awkward - looking ass like this. 

Also for the canny looking ones, nothing inspires cute aggression more than lil characters in FF & other MMOs. Fuck off. I just want to squeeze them and put them under a slow hydraulic press. low-effort fluff balls or cute looking animal-elf-dwarf hybrids have no business in game worlds.

There is a reason FF7 is the most known title. It's got a good story & a bunch of well defined, interesting characters. I personally don't care about any one other than 7 & 13.

The other good thing that comes out of the whole franchise that's actually been pretty consistent is the music.

That's what I get from FF. Not gameplay, rarely story, just some good aesthetics and music. I don't get why games today have to use absolutely plain looking characters, like, just some guy. Some old guy nonetheless. It's almost as if game developers are all experiencing mid-life crisis.

. . .

I don't get why this franchise gets to thrive whereas Heroes must die. It's too unfair. Is it really because RPG (only when having attractive characters) is easier to survive? Is it all boiling down to lookism? It's too sad.

Diary, you wanna bet how long Dark Souls can continue? It's one of the few that stays focused on gameplay itself. Would you give it 10 years?

10 years go by pretty past. 10 years went by pretty fast. Ah, when I was 17 . . .

I'll have even bigger transformation in the next 10 years than previous. It just occurred to me I've lived in 3 different countries for long periods of time in the last 10 years. That's prolly never going to happen again. I'll move twice- country wise- at most, well maybe 3 times (for the rest of my life) - highly unlikely. Bigger transformation, definitely. Imagine, the next 10 years... I'll be 37. Good God. And from 37 to 47, even bigger transformation... and by then I'm about to kill myself. Or I'll die sooner, it can happen.

10 year before 17... it's when I first heard the voice of God in my head. Time flies. I feel like God has been gracious to me.

I'll keep fixing my path and correcting myself, Diary. I'm God's Faithful. I'm the One.

. . .

I also gotta say, it's too bad the internet only has Sakimichan's fan art to get off to. It's nice, she's skilled & prolific & basically doing charity work but it's too vanilla. It's like modern day pinup. There is no passable Sephiroth nude anywhere. If I deploy a realistic one right now do you think it'll break the internet. Surprisingly, no one I want to fuck in the whole entire franchise. I've gone over this, Diary. Sephiroth is like an Akechi Mitsuhide type of character, not at all fuckable. I would like to show you what I can do tho. I'd hate for you think that little Joseph Seed sketch is all I can do.

One last bit- all these people have to be "anything goes". If they're attracted to both sides then there is no real dedication, hence only vanilla work. I don't envy people who are attracted to real people though. How nasty. People are gross!

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Thousand eyes

I can't draw up the blinds because there are literally half naked people chilling on the terrace. I can't close all the blinds bc I can't cope with complete darkness in daytime. The old creep across the street comes out every hour or so and throws an intent look at my window (3 looks, kitchen, living room & bedroom). I've built a barrier to block the line of sight in the living room but still can't dodge when I'm in the kitchen. I can't base my life on someone else's gross behavior, but every time I caught him looking it's just TOO ICKY. It's TOO GROSS. I can't even stick my neck out the window without meeting someone's eyes. Fuck. It already feels like a surveillance state. Stop looking! STOP LOOKING!

I really need to fucking decide if I want another 3 or God forbid 6 years of city life. Granted, this is a narrow street. Granted, Paris has a lot more to offer. I just have to get through this. I just want some privacy, you know? How is that too much to ask? Fucking people everywhere just looking with their suspecting... assuming... creepy eyes!

Good God, save me.

I'm OK. Don't worry, Diary.

Fuck, fine. I'll close more blinds. Have some peace of mind.

There is nothing I can do to make these dimwits equally uncomfortable. I curse them, I guess that's it (for now).

Witnessing other people's existential crisis

My jaw hurts a lil. I can't even touch my face anymore.

Understanding and relating really are two different things. I don't really relate to other people's existential crisis nor care to read about them anymore. What's left? We're all alone. The constant trade-off is interesting.

Rule, then have something to show for it.

Imaginary people give me money, they're still imaginary.

Imaginary people teach me things, they're still imaginary.

Imaginary people exchange words with me online, they're still imaginary.

For the record I don't believe people live in a simulation, in fact that's the dumbest theory I've ever heard.

But people don't feel real anymore. Even those I interact with in real life. We all know that. This is an interesting trade-off. I'm not sure there is going back. I'm slow to adapt to this. How's everyone else doing?

If I'm to take what I read on the internet at face value, a lot worse than me. That doesn't necessarily make me happy- nothing will, but still. These are the people that could've been happy otherwise, that's why I find it curious.

How to make what is actually already real feel more real- or real at all sometimes? That's the question.

I'm finding these common themes, Diary- they're nothing new. I feel like at least to me, new things would actually feel more real. Does that mean I'm numb to repetitive things? Aren't we all?

I consider other people bc I need to be correct, y'know.

I'm thinking for an absolutist that isn't really necessary.

Simple things, extremely simple things.

Once you understand how, an object or subject loses its mystery.

Once you understand why, an intrigue loses all of its meaning.

I've known the world is consumable for some time, Diary. No one can save me from this revelation. The speed of creation is not as fast as consumption right now.

To that end, many have become historians. But still.

I do feel hopeless

Monday, July 1, 2019

Happiness & Acceptance are true weaponry.

For people- might be the ultimate weaponry.

I complain a lot, but I really might be in the best case scenario.


If you see someone trying to force a square peg into a round hole and they're upset, you might be moved to go over there and help them. I am this person sometimes, but it's possible because people like this can be helped.

Now if you see someone successfully forced a square peg into a round hole, and it's chipped and stuck there, and they're happy, there is virtually nothing you can do. It's impossible. If you attempt to remove that peg or even suggest that they're wrong, they might beat the living shit out of you. And the thing is, they're - it's because they're perfectly content and happy with their life.

Happiness, based on acceptance, can be a true weapon against truth and progress. Project this simple abstract model onto innumerable real life instances. This weapon has wounded me deeply. I don't have such weapon to strike back. I can easily lose "acceptance" even, keep reading.


I easily feel threatened- now this somehow feels contradictory to my near-constant torment of looking down on people. Either I find there are too many retards floating around or I plunge into an abyssal existential crisis when I find someone on my level. I always manage to relieve myself in the end, never by escapism or denial, but in the form of theory and improvement. It's been a very long time since I've seen any competition from my "contemporary peers", but today I was just reminded that they're out there.

I can't describe the rage I felt when I read something that could've come out of my own mouth. Don't worry- they're inevitably wrong. Still- you must find this ridiculous. It's 1000 times more annoying than looking at something silly. I swear to God. Anger from my soul. I am not "displeased", I am literally burning inside. Without competition, all that is left is contempt for others, which is unhealthy- for everyone. With competition, I am mad, but it's good- for everyone, in the end.

I never felt like a fraud, Diary, but I do experience fear when people are close. It's ill.

I must understand all they understand and possess knowledge they don't have, even if I will share my knowledge with no reservation with as many people as possible in the end - for the good of all.

Naturally only some facets. I don't know who's the most knowledgeable person- or top 10- in the world right now. If I don't know by now clearly they have done a poor job for themselves. I am an Absolutist, Diary- this title comes with great risk. I believe with my limited time and energy, which I'm wasting a lot to my own condemnation, I have picked the Absolute correct priorities.


There is no do-over, only remedy any falsehood as soon as possible.