Sunday, June 23, 2019

What a day to trip the wire

I tripped on the wire today, its tip fell out and I've bought myself 2 days of complete silence from the computer. The world is busy, I heard the festivities. It goes on tomorrow. I won't get new cables until Tuesday, I think. What a time to be tripping it.

You know what, I was cleaning the windows, too. OK.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

I trust Google more than Amazon & Microsoft

Hosting choice is giving me a headache. I think that at the end of the day, I trust Google more than Amazon & Microsoft.

First of all, I don't even trust Amazon at all. I even used AWS back in 2014 and it was fucking horrid. They keep saying they got to the market first, yeah. Jeff Bezos is a greedy fuck. Amazon's tech has never been great. And there is no such thing as ethics. You have to know it takes a lot for someone like me to condemn about ethics.

I've never tried Azure. WIN 10 is not the most stable or bug-free thing. But Microsoft suites - you know h'what - I just remembered it's not great either.

So one of them I hate, one of them I'm not too excited about, but Google has never made me angry. Google let me down a couple of times but the fact that I can't even remember what it was shows it's not too important. BTW Google has always had a sense of humor which the other two just DON'T FUCKING HAVE. I don't know. You want to deal with a corporation, but then you don't want to deal with a corporation. I do believe everyone who is not an engineer at Google is not on par with the good employees, by that one occasion I had to speak to an imbecile sales rep.

You know, when it comes down to it, it's all about control. Definitely Amazon but less so Microsoft can seize control if they decide to become psychotic. I really, really start to see the long term effect of the founder on the soul of the company . .  no listen Diary. I think I should probably give Google Cloud a shot. I really don't like switching host though. I really, really don't want to switch AGAIN.

They say stuff is everywhere, but I think ever since it's all becoming digital, the cat's back in Schrodinger's box. In a snap of a finger it can appear or disappear. History can be easily erased. If the trivia is not gone, what use is there if it's just sitting there and no one discovers it? I find it stressful.


Wednesday, June 19, 2019


One thing led to another . . .  I'll tell you what led to what. I was automatically reflecting and processing the ABSOLUTELY RETARDED things I've done in college from the back of my mind as I watched this video about 3 brave people who broke their NDA to go on record & talk about content policing labor at Facebook's contractor Cognizant. Content policing has to be one of the worst jobs one can have in modern days in the first world, infinitely worse than customer support. It's more traumatic than filthy manual labor like sorting trash. Trash of the mind is harder to get rid of.

Then I did some research on all the colleges I could think of on top of my head ( mostly  in Massachusetts ​) since it occurred to me now I could read their Google reviews. Besides my own school and a couple of others, I looked up Smith and Mount Holyoke ( both rejected me), Wellesley (why the fuck do they have 10,000 similar pictures), Williams, Amherst ( one of my former corporate lawyers went there ), Colby Sawyer, John Hopkins (in Baltimore), Carleton ( in Minnesota ) & so on. I strongly & seriously considered liberal arts college back then, I suppose because I was exposed to a lot of romanticization about them. I still didn't write them off when one of my professors showed obvious disdain for all liberal arts colleges. Now I know it's actually true. I saved myself from making a terrible decision yet again. Look at that horrid landscape.

Diary, I think I have said this before: going to college today at all is a huge mistake, unless you get into the absolutely top 10 - in the world. But to me, even graduating from Harvard doesn't say much at all anymore. I cannot be 100% certain that someone from Harvard is not a cretin, that's how far the trust in the system has gone. I think the American credibility has gone down by numerous factors as though choreographed by God itself, it's incredibly synchronized. I could never have fathomed it would drop so low.

​My own education has been devalued. I should've done this in 2010. I should've used my college money on something- anything else. The truth is I regret going to college deeply. I thought I saved myself by going to a serious school rather than a liberal arts college (which is more of a social club), but I really would've been better off not going to college at all. I really think it's only good until the internet came along. I realized college is a part of corporatism. What I need to reflecting on is not "American corporatism", no, it's really just corporatism. (Supposedly higher) education is so flawed.

I think I've read exactly this when I was kid, but it took personal experience and 6 years of intermittent retrospection for me to understand it for real. What do you think of the tech giants, Diary? Without Google, I wouldn't have seen the bigger picture or made about 60% of my life choices - for real- as well as I have. Is Facebook comparable to Google? Of course it is. Of course at its core, it's set out to do good. But I feel like Facebook is deviating from its mission more than Google ever did. It's the nature of their service, one can argue- OK. Indexing and curating are very different things, of course. But that jobs that solely consist of looking at cruelty and abomination should exist, regardless of whether they pay well- I don't know if this is comparable to jobs at a slaughterhouse.

I can totally see why someone can be guilt tripped into becoming a vegan. I don't know if it's hypocritical for me to consciously distance myself from the meat industry. I feel like I like meat too much. It's shocking to me though that people are into cruelty as much as they're into meat. Is it a stretch? Do people inherently like to abuse things? I think I have abused most games I've played. Upon the first play through my primary objective is to break them. I don't know, man. We already exist in the same world all of the time anyway. Now you're telling me I have soft spots?

The world is just forcing me to become a bigger and bigger asshole, all the time on all fronts. I can't feel sorry for nobody because there is no reasoning. Once you have decided you're going to rely on logic instead of feelings, you have to go all the way, and it's a logical thing to constantly write your own emotions off.

I feel ashamed that I've been ripped off - not by much, and I am proud that I effectively spent only 2 1/2  years on campus, having gotten myself a half year program in Japan. I knew all the trade-offs. I think it's good to have a life with severe episodes of Retardation in a stream of good decisions & not vice versa.

Life is complicated, Diary, but not too complicated. I wonder if everyone feels like life is rigged against them. I have to stop thinking about these things. What's in the past is in the past.

I really do think the 3 from Cognizant are brave, though. I bet many, including them, want the world to be free of all cruelty. We could do the deed, but can we truly suppress the desire? In subversive ways, sexism and racism have gone worse & videogames have gone grosser and more violent- no I mean, to the point other types of high budget games face extinction. There isn't a variety of choice in pretty much- anything now, except some form of hate and violence. People only look like they get along well but they put on their face with anxiety. There is pressure and anxiety everywhere in any group. Who's truly relaxed? Who's immune from damnation? Nobody, and that's not "fairness", it's just a bad state.

We must not blame freedoms that people can do what they want and speak their mind. Rather I think now more critical than anything is to examine the nature of humanity. A simple question: if it's changeable.

I've come back for a bit. I now think - maybe not. I just learned Coco Chanel was a Nazi prostitute. Look at all the covert ways they salute Nazis. Now I'm having flashback at all the scenes in movies where Chanel is referenced. When they don't think you understand the reference, people like to be discreetly offensive to your face in ways that are blatant to their counterparts who understand what they're doing. It's not one-sided, only I don't have a partner in crime who understands when I'm mocking someone for being dumb, this way you lose at least half the fun. So I've stopped doing it since no one, not even the offended gets it. Though I feel like "in exchange for" this, I should not have to risk being on the receiving end of this sort of thing either. So now it's only making me angry. There is a very real possibility that not a single or indeed very few brands are reliable in that way.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Looks like I'm going to have to be an even bigger asshole

I don't like being an asshole even though deep inside I detest people. It's very hard for me to come across in a rude way in person. This is to keep interaction pleasant, of course, but today I just learned apparently people like me can't even do that anymore.

From multiple sources, it appears I'm going to have to be an even bigger asshole. I'll literally take compliment as insult. I won't respond to time wasters even out of politeness. It's going to be a process to internalize this. There is some truth to it, and I guess I'll just know - in an indifferent way- that some people mean well. Also, women as a species decided we can't smile to strangers anymore, so I won't smile to strangers anymore.

Diary, you'll be surprised at how much I'm willing to compromise on things that don't touch my principles. I want no friction with and among other women, no friction at all. I dread very much that we're not on the same page. The current game plan in the progressive part of the world which honestly is the only part that matters to me- is that, women must appear that they hate men and are fed up with their bs. Cool, I am and I understand all the arguments. I was just not super clear on the little things I have to do.

So from now I'll dial my friendliness way down. Now that I know it's not going to reduce the pleasantry of daily life all that much, since all women do it and men expect it, it should be fairly easy. In fact, this could signify a new future. If we keep going this direction, maybe one day I can be the same exact asshole I actually am on the side. Imagine getting away with that in a socially-acceptable way.  I'm thrilled.

​So yeah. Filing this so I remember & so you know. I don't like the concept of society as it is right now, but I really don't have a choice. I really wish they'd show me the real elite society they've been hiding from me all these years, even if just to show me the rules are different and better.

Monday, June 17, 2019

Pain to joy ratio - 1000:1

It's so hard to go on. Give me one thing that cheers me up, Diary. 

City is too fucking loud

After enduring the Spanish inefficiency with the scaffolding for so long, today yet again I was woken up by the ground-shaking sound of drilling. What the actual fuck. It's so loud it literally made me ill. Just about anything anybody does makes me ill nowadays but this in particular. I really am physically ill. Fuck, Diary. Who the fuck wants to be waken up by that?

I realized I can never get used to it, Diary. Typically, after acquainting oneself with idiots and noise her whole life, you'd think she'd get used to it. Not happening at all. Sad.

I don't even have words for the retards that float about nowadays.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Basic rule-based reduction

Sometimes I feel like: the world can't be ( just ) about basic rule-based reduction.

When dealing with more than you can handle, because of your limitation, there is rule.

But also, there are specifics.

Internet has allowed life to be lived both locally and remotely.  If anything, I'm missing out on specifics. But to be real, man's greatest achievements lie in cities. There is less "sculpturing" going on in rural side, where preservation of "originality" is the point. 

I'm torn. I -

​I know I'm yearning for an old dream. Not technically a "dream"- just a long, dreamy scenario. I gaze at the picture for too long. The idyllic, peaceful country life. Tea, nature & home made goods. Ultimate Normalcy.

So comfortable. So reassuring. As if everything has only been fine. Harmonious. Everything is delicate yet enduring & endearing. True calmness & tranquility. I yearn for that.

I don't know if that life has a purpose. I just know it will calm me down.

I need to chill, Diary. And I realize that you can't help me... at least not 100% of the time. I need to find peace. Where is it? It has to be this picturesque dream.

I genuinely feel like the world is getting less and less interesting now. There are fewer and fewer interesting things. It's mind-boggling to me how people are intrigued by un-intriguing things.

Only I can be the one to save myself. I can save a lot of others, too. I'm just mad that they haven't given anything to me yet. Of course, they'll be paying soon. It's fair.

At the same time, if only there was even one intrigue for me now . . .

Not a bad sleep

Who would've thunk, I didn't have a nightmare last night- I had a semi- good sleep. I don't remember what the dream was though- only it took place in school. Man, when am I going to be done with school dreams.

 . . .

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Chalk .

Last night's nightmare got me. It really starts to inch toward my sensitive spot. I'm mentally suffering in sleep. 24/7 it is, then.

I can't cope with this duality and paradox that I find in too many concepts and objects.

Also, at the same time, I find that nearly all of the variants I like in the world have been taken away. They're no longer viable options.

I really don't like the direction it's going. Maybe I'm the one who can't deal with change very well. I just hate this direction too much. There are still parts of reality I cannot accept.

The world is hell for certain idealists. And I still believe that I'm not asking for too much.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Go .

I went to the beach today. The first thing that occurred to me when I watched the sunset (the other way, above the buildings) was -

"Where will you go if the world doesn't need saving anymore?"

I have an answer to that question.

I guess I'll go ahead and kill myself. It finally makes a little sense to me now, why I'm miserable and not fitting in. A happy crowd doesn't need me, they're alien to me. I can only fit in tight, grave situations where someone, or some people desperately need help. I can't live in a world without problems. I have no use as a fellow merry-maker - no, I am not a merry-maker at all.

It took a long time, didn't it? But I have some clarity now. I know why, now.  It really is a key answer to countless questions. I can never relate to people who are happy and content, who enjoy life, who is OK with everything. And they don't need me either. They so don't need me. We're already living in different worlds.

What troubles me is, people can (and do) get happier even if their quality of life is declining comparatively. The people who have nothing going for them can still be content with life. I cannot help people who are happy, who don't think they need help.

They are miserable, they look miserable to me, but they don't feel miserable.

I don't look miserable to them, but I feel miserable, therefore I am miserable.

I see it now clearly, so this is what it is. I will have no interference with happy people's lives. I can only hope people realize how miserable they really are. I can only help people who already know how miserable they really are, or feel.

​It seems simple, doesn't it? Yet it took me so long to see and understand. Is it bad to wish someone go from happy to unhappy, for the sake of objective truth? I don't know. That's why I can only stay out of it. But watching these people truly makes me ill.

There is a consistent theme that's coming back to me.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Quality of Pirated Goods

Imagine a robber coming to your house and demand -


 Whatever the fuck are they even . . .

 Small things, but you can write a solid economic theory out of this.

 Help me, Diary .  Help me understand this .  Help me help them. If I go to France, and I don't find a good classical group in any of the settings I can think of, I don't know what I'm goin -

 At least I won't be running the risk of overdressing. I gotta go to the beach some day . . .   ( it's not fair that Fausto Puglisi usually runs at 410 a piece, but wearing a t shirt is more . . . I'm just not comfortable in it . )

Moth's wing

1 .

I had an interesting nightmare last night. Have you ever considering being attacked by cloud ?

It's just disaster after disaster. I really want to do this new thing, but information vs. opinion... I think I'd rather choose opinion because I'm so used to condensing information- it's almost an intuition now. There are better ways to present information, but someone else will get it done, like history has shown.

Let's think - means to and end. Means to an end.

I think - it's necessary .

It's helpful. Not real time. Not as frequent as I . . .

30. Is it manageable? LG? Is it happening? God, Diary.

I'm the - Orderly Good.

Stacking. Trees.

It's a mess.

What nightmare is it going to be tonight? I don't know.

People have abandoned God. People have to place their faith in somewhere new. People put their faith in each other. People let each other down. People actually lose faith. People . . .

​ The perfect moon. When it's all possible.

There was so much mystery. You can play any sort of music under the moonlight. You don't know -


Hierarchy? Order?

Trial of the Absolutist.

It's me. Is it? Am I an absolutist? It's what I questioned over and over this past week.

I'd be a lot more relaxed otherwise.

I can't handle The Economist's bias anymore, Diary. They think they're so clever and so subtle, they're not. I literally can't handle it anymore. Even an article from Vanity Fair from at least 6 years ago said they did not do their own reporting, I can't believe it took me this long. It's just book reports and voyeurism disguised as news. As far as the briefs go, they all have opinions attached. I don't want to opine on opinions, I want to opine on facts, damn it .

Anyone can really get by without reading news, even national heads now. If it's an emergency there's got to be protocols. Everything else has a big wide time window. Well I don't mean ever, I mean as diligently as I fathomed.

It's not necessary anymore. Everyone just chill, and be lazy. What kind of a world is that? I'm all angsty now. Who the fuck is goin -

I don't know what is it people do, Diary. They're increasingly fine with having no goal. I don't know how to deal with people like that.

At the same time I have concerns of my own. What I'm supposed to enjoy is giving me a headache.

I just really, really don't like the direction humanity is going. I've read some good news on the ToC - on a DAILY BASIS, yet I'm still angry. I feel like the arms can't actually be twisted. I feel like the giants have caved in to good principles ungracefully, & that really gets on my nerves.

In other news, I feel like I'm not going to see border liquidation any time soon. Each step is taking too slow & I wonder where are the bravehearts or what are they up to now.

People are so comfortable, it makes me riled. Even in misery. Make no mistake, I'm in acceptance, not comfort. They keep telling me I'm living in paradise; I get sick just looking at them.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Chernobyl Crisis Tape - RE2 Soundtrack Collapse ( Music Video )


 BEHOLD - my first ever music video LOL. Collapse literally played in my head when I first watched the last part of E02. It's too fitting and I had to make this. I can't help it! 

 Chernobyl is one of the bestest shows ever for sure on so many levels. The action packed scenes (mostly included in the music video) really help.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Boundless hate - > GRRM

Why can't this attention-seeking, greedy, dumbass cunt stay off the game industry?

 Granted this isn't the biggest problem, but I'm incensed.

 Look at these dimwits. Look at what these dimwits are up to . 

 Where did all the good game designers go? 20 years ago they prolly had a choice between work and passion, but now I don't see why someone who's capable wouldn't work in tech or finance over gaming. You get a bunch of dumbass to slave over a tried-and-true product package and sell them to an even dumber audience who would gobble up anything. You can HIDE the fucking lackluster gameplay with music and graphics. I feel sorry for these slaves but not too much. These idiots have permanently eroded my interest in gaming though, so fuck them .

 Fucking hell, Diary . I don't know if I want to read Homer for the second time. Did you read about Psychedelic Society ?  - No I'm not going to the Netherlands and take a bunch of drugs, but that gives you a glimpse of what future holds. That's right, in the future we trade experiences. Games no longer provide great experiences- the fantastical escapism is gone and all that is left is some formula and a marketing plan. There is still one more shot with VR though ( fuck AR, I thought in bed for about 10 minutes last night and couldn't come up with a good use for it ).  There is actually huge potential in VR- less scripted but more immersive. I'll have to look into it .

 Now that I've calmed down for a bit, I have to tell you this: the bigger problem still is the forced positivers. At times it seems people filled with pure hatred like myself are on the brink of extinction- no, I assure you, I sense plenty of hate of reason in the world brooding under the "happy", calm surface (a false facade). But I noticed this. People with a positive attitude are violent these days. If you criticize others you'll get brigaded to hell. Imagine someone holding a gun to your head and screaming- " YOU MUST LOVE LIFE! YOU MUST LIKE EVERYONE! YOU MUST LIKE ALL THE THINGS! THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS BAD MOVIE/GAME/ART! EVERYTHING MUST TOUCH YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY! "

 Also- 'tis important, Diary, also- 'tis really important, as a result, we're entering a


  h'where one doesn't matter and one doesn't mind other people's business. Did you notice it's complete indifference, lethargy and no strength of union (therefore the lack of any possibility of rebellion & uprising). The new structure is getting cemented fast as though fixed by superglue. Of course I'll never abide by those rules, I live to disrupt and anguish. But I just want to tell you. This is what it leads to. One puny death makes it to the news. I honestly don't give a fuck unless >10,000 people die. I've kept my news subscription for a while now and that has yet to happen. Imagine that. No consequence to anybody. Everybody is accepting and positive. The absolutely fugly lame shit gains attention from the mediocre majority.

 It's absolutely repulsive, Diary. The notion literally crawls under my skin. A consequence-free era? A CONSEQUENCE-FREE ERA? Are you FUCKING kidding me?

 NO. No, never. NEVER. I will never accept it. I know VERY, very clearly what value these people have- and the meek value they stubbornly hold. I know very clearly what ( & how little ) value the things they create have . I'm going to twist some arms .

Note to self : No more glass

I was in such a bad state that my hand slipped and I broke a whisky glass I used for brushing teeth . Glass and crystal just keep breaking around me .

 Note to self : use stainless steel from now .

 Every day I'm nervous as fuck . Now I gotta prepare for yet another nightmare . If this keeps going on I'll have to look into sleeping pills . No, fuck that . Herbal tea ? No, fuck that, too .

 I'm riled up, Diary . It's 2am & I'm riled up . I'm real angry now . Fucking get this done . I hate myself now . Fuck . I know I'm right so what am I waiting for . Fuck .

 Oh, right, public face . I spent all day today thinking about public face . It's inevitable that I will have to have a public face if I want to try some of those things . My head is ringing a bit now . Fuck . What I'm saying is . It's too early . I always have a name . I know how important a name is so I always first have a name . Still. I'm not like other people, I need to have it thoroughly thought out . Compromise ? Maybe . I don't want to play with fire, even though it looks like I have literally stood in hell fire .

 Fuck , Diary. I'm not happy with the world and I'm not happy with myself. Overall all my life I've been more satisfied with myself than the world . Is that good news ? PP is dead, it's too small.

 There is definitely a knot in my stomach .

 This is so ill, Diary . I'm on the brink of despair again . The world is nearing the exact opposite of what I want it to look like. 10 years ago it was 100 degrees off, now it's inching 180 degrees opposite. What the fuck . I'm not OK with it, at all. It's too torturous. Don't think after 180 degrees it's going to be OK. It's not coming back. The dimwits are INSUFFERABLE .

I broke a glass . Fuck I can't go to bed now, and be punished by I'm sure yet another nightmare. Everything is so fucked.

Saturday, June 8, 2019

Ultra nightmare

It never ends . This must be the flashback of all the bizarre and horror anime I've ever watched. It felt like it. There was this guy who was normal at first, and there was this girl. She shreds people ( for fun ) with a pair of scissors though after she shredded them it's like they're not people (no flesh), just paper-like skin in cut up pieces. But when she first started to cut them they still had human form. The thing is, right, the thing is- they have no conscience, they had no remorse. The guy was laughing like it was just another day in the end . 

What the FUCK . Give me one good reason why I'm having this nightmare .  H'where was I in all of this ? Good question . I was a captive audience . I was there just watching them do these psychotic, homicidal things .

Why. I just want a good night's sleep .  One .

Lured to play - LTP lol

Diary -  Don't get lured to play some meaningless game is what I'm saying .

 There are things that... it's like, if only you do this you can get in the conversation, and this- that- requires great compromise of privacy and poses real danger to security disproportionate to feedback, not even reward, only feedback .  It's not worth it .

I firmly believe I have to stay on the biggest playground, but my view is also changing . I think that, ultimately, observation is preparation, even as something that's running in the background. The front action- I mean, there has to be action .

Also thanks B - reminds me of the good ol' time . 

I'm still angry though.

Friday, June 7, 2019

Responding to Cute thangs

 Diary :

 I just wan chu to know that the other day I stumbled upon a thread where a girl made fun of "alphas" by calling them "alfalfas" lol

 I don't think women are made for crass things. At the end of the day, I still respond to cute things more than severe insults . Why is that? Alfalfas. That is so cute . Too cute .

 This has been an otherwise tiring day .

 The temperature just heats up suddenly. I think Spring lasted for less than 10 days . 

 Oh God, Diary . I'm so tired, so so tired .

 I've been running some scenarios in my head, Diary . When I finally have time to sit down, those scenarios seem pretty tired too . I want good things running in the background .

Thursday, June 6, 2019

How to deal with Disappointment in Others

Diary. Please don't tell me " to better myself " - that's how I got here in the first place . I've told you all of my stupid thoughts and shared none of the good . You only need to know about my torment , and I know a lot of times my words sound like those of a fool .

 But I know me, therefore you know me, and I don't have to write any of it down . Tell me - how do I deal with Disappointment in Others ? It's becoming crippling at this point . I can no longer relate with my own stupidity .

 Tell me how .

A list of permissible things

 Diary :

 You know what happened on Day 1 0 0 0 0 - I will never bite my inner lip again .

 I wonder at this point if I'm learning things just to be sure I know better . I'm probably wasting my time, then . I am, no I know I am .

 The truth is I'm nervous. I've been nervous for a long, long time . The legitimate fear against my own helplessness, my own limitation has never left, actually . I don't know how to cope with it .  I desperately need to know I'm right about certain things .

 I need to know I'm right about the Will . I feel like I'm so close to the End . I need to know I'm right about big, important things . I'm torturing myself . Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I've done is finding this torture pleasurable .

 Diary . It is my only hope - it is my only salvation . I know where I stand now .

 Diary, I may die, and like many, I fear death . I thought I was indifferent; I am not . The true death, the real death - I may realize it before it happens - the notion - knowing that I will not be -

 I am too specific . I want to be an abstract being . I can't be an abstract entity without being absolutely correct on some things . Yet it feels so hopeless . . . it is wrecking me .

 God, Have mercy .

 Save me .  Let me be free . 

 I'm begging . I'm praying .