Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Unforgiven - Never Forgiven

I can't bring myself to talk to you when I'm like this. No more. It's not forgivable. It's not permissible.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

What happened

Nightmare after nightmare




nightmare after nightmare after


after nightmare after

nightmare and

finally some justice?

I might not have a choice. I now know they didn't... they don't have a choice, at all. I now have answers to a lot of questions. I love how one answer answers 100 questions. It's one of those times.

I don't like having my hands tied. I don't have a choice anymore.

I can't argue with logic and fact. I wish it doesn't sound too aggressive to you. In my own terms.

I will have to be a true maniac to insist otherwise.

They try, and they see a little progress, and they die.

In a sense, it's the same. If - total loss of hope. Totality is never...

Who are you angry at? Can you even be angry anymore?

The inner city lowlife that robs you and snatches your iPhone- if it ever happens- has etiquette. The person that got shot in a gang fight- everyone involved had etiquette. At least they didn't disembowel him and proceed to devour him. Even some gruesome murders...

How about those born in 100th generation of poverty, who never tasted water without malaria or some other disease? Illiterate, let alone any other manner- no one can hate them. No one can hate them as bad as their closest frenemy. Caring- or not caring aside, is there any reason for you to be hating anyone? Isn't that mis-identification of emotion? If you hate someone for being barbaric, there's bound to be a lot more who are more barbaric. You wouldn't hate people who have nothing to do with you.

Then it's all about their relationship to you, isn't it? You just have to think about yourself. You can hate someone if they hurt you, but only that. You can't hate on any inherent quality. You can't hate on any presentation.

That's clear now .

But then, this wouldn't make a saint.

You know now anyway. Separate personal life. You still don't need that emotion. But now you know what you need to do.

On issue #1, you know what they have to do, which is the same as what you have to do. It's not a choice. You do, you try and you wait a little.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

To Filter Out useless information

To filter out noise:

when examine an article, just look for -

- field

- theme  ( art & direction of narrative )

- why  ( understanding why is important  as it shows next step )

- ( adjust position )

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

God's Good Graces

I fear I'm losing God's Favor, especially what I had earned when I was young.

I have to regain it .  I have to have a lot 

Monday, April 15, 2019

Arresting Nightmare

I can't wait to tell you about the nightmare I had last night. It was long and draining. Having that dream is worse than hiking for five hours straight. I'm telling you. I wonder why my skin is getting so dry lately. I'm guessing it's because I open my mouth to scream in those nightmares, but I can't make any sound so I just lied there breathing / panting with my mouth open. That has to be the one reason that's getting me so dehydrated. My skin is flaking around my mouth. I had to apply moisturizer 3 times today. That should give you an idea.

On the other hand, I want to tell you quickly- I'm dying to put it past me- I'm mortified by what I said about Ben Shapiro. His voice is grating to hear now and once you notice how bad he stutters there is no going back. It's almost as bad as Jordan Peterson- I'm grossed out to even type this name in my Diary but please bear with me- it's almost as bad as the latter's suddenly raised voice. It's unnerving. At some point I realized these are nothing more than caricatures.

That's the thing though, Diary. Maybe Georgie had the right idea. You can get away and get by being wrong or caricatures or non-productive, because you can afford to. It's all about entertainment. Driving away boredom. Yes I know everything can be explained simply, and if we are all to live up to our potential and prioritize efficiency and innovation, we could have dominated the galaxy by now. But this is our history. What is now is what is now.

I'm a little sad about what's lost in public space, that's all. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. No. I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing. I don't want people get neglected and abandoned like they are now. I don't... deep down in my heart, I don't view all of it as a farce. There could be meaning.

The deadly chill is still around me. Mid-April. 

I have to worry about myself first. The nightmare is going to consume me.

Sunday, April 14, 2019


If today has taught me anything, it's insanity. I don't want to look into people's lives anymore. I know how polarized people are nowadays. There is absolutely no use for the majority of them. I don't have to force any relatability anymore. It's not necessary.

I used to think about the 1% problem, and it is this- it is still too large a number. The 1% of 1% of 1%- sounds about right, and next problem is- this 1% of 1% of 1%- don't really "congregate". There is no guarantee they're working toward the same goal either, but one can hope so.

I wore sneakers today, and though my feet felt nothing walking 2 hrs 30 mins straight, boy did I feel like a chump. Let's try the other ones next. Also I found something I wrote on the internet that's kind of embarrassing to read now. The thing is, I don't have time to go back and correct anything. Life is a moving train, you can throw your garbage out of the window and "put it behind us", but others will still be able to see it when they forage for information in the grass. OK that's a bit... you know what I mean.

The best is still to think twice or thrice before you do anything, as I always do, but even so, I create absolute trash sometimes. I'm OK with it. I can do better, that's all.

I do still observe commonalities among us, me and people, I mean. But just like humans share >90% DNA with chimps and bonobos, I now know those commonalities won't do anything. I don't have to suffer at the ignorance of others - I probably still will, but in a large sense, I won't have to - I won't inflict such damage on myself by hoping it's going to be different. It's not. I don't feel sorry when they're lied to, there is no need. I don't have to hope any of them show initiative, all that matters is I show initiative. It really is the End Game .

It feels a lil insane. Just a little. I can cope with it.

The public space will be filled with ignorant people, who are not allowed to be brought up to date. If one is truly curious, one can find out about anything and everything, but people won't want to. I never understood that. It's not important now. My mission isn't to understand them.

I know a lot of people have realized this way before me, age wise. They demonstrated to me years ago. I've been preoccupied with caring about people. I was wrong. I am late. I know that. I also know I can make up for it. Was I- is anyone better off not knowing the problem of the people? No... not necessarily. I'd like to know why. I always need to know why. Now I do.

The world really is too small, and the learning curve too steep. I expect an ignorant person to suddenly change everything once he decides to stop being ignorant. He can, because now he has the tools. It's wonderful. There is some curve I have to climb as well. I don't know what or who is on top of that curve. Every day I'm blown away by how stupid some people are- when they're not supposed to be, in my knowledge. Not so often blown away by how wise someone is. Maybe once or twice a year.

Let's focus on ourselves, Diary .

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Spider Band

I really am so ill, Diary.

I am ill from inside out.

I despair .

You won't believe the extent of how unimpressed I am about things .

I despair .

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Salt cod is a joke on me

I heard about the Catalan salt cod being a local specialty, and even though I saw this salt cod is from Galicia, I said whatever. Maybe all salt cod comes from Galicia, like most other seafood, I don't know, I haven't looked into it.

But you know what though, I could try to be less dumb. I will certainly try to be less insane in the future. Because I haven't looked up anything. Not a recipe, nothing. It didn't even occur to me to do something about SALT COD even though I felt the fucking salt particles as I picked it up. I fucking cooked it like that as it is and it's a fucking salt mine and it made every strip of pasta taste like a salt strip. I swear to God I have never... I had to toss it away.

Then I read online that I should soak it for at least 24 hours.

Why the fuck do I bother. Well I guess I wanted to explore "region specialties".

"Why can't you go to a fucking restaurant" - I have explained it to you before.

Anyway, Diary, this Salt Cod is a joke on me. It's OK. I have more. I'll try again tomorrow.

My favorite fresh mushroom is prolly shiitake. Haven't had it in a while and it's not something that portobello or the gray flappy one... "Oyster Mushroom" can compare. Got a bunch of uncommon ones that are dried, we'll try them later.

I'm tired, Diary. It actually rained almost all day today. I ought to be grateful. Of course. I am still tired.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

not into roleplaying

If you don't play the roleplaying game, if you strip yourself of the added-on identity, then there is no basis for attraction, no reference to build upon. I'm always at lost, I'll be at lost all the same. I'll be in despair all the same. This time there is no room for imagination. No, there will be room for new imagination.

It won't be an established reference.

I don't like this game.

I can only stick with what's absolute.

Silk is absolute. Flavor is absolute. Taste... I'll have to rethink taste. Taste is prolly not absolute.


Confusion... is probably not the word. Distortion... is probably the word. Contortion... is also the word.

How is it still deadly chill at this hour, in this day?  I don't know.

April now.

Perhaps I'm just cold on the inside.

No, Andrew Yang's book has confirmed many things, Diary. I'm at the same time surprised and not surprised. It is a very lucid and articulate book, no doubt about that.

I guess I'm a little confused, after all.

What do people want ?

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Display of Prowess & Courage

I think my next focus ought to be the narrow field of emotion which I'm capable to perceive. This is quite like music, actually. I'm unable to understand music, I'm unable to perceive certain things. A lot of people will tell you they can't feel things. I wonder if it's actually the same.

But the thing is, it's not a few that I can't perceive;it's I can only perceive a few. From my birth- h'well, my first memory, till now, I think I've only perceived (I mean experienced feeling of) :

0. despair (0=constant)
1. contempt toward others
2. paranoia
3. aggravation
4. frustration toward others and self
5. hatred
6. madness
7. short bursts of elation (NOT HAPPINESS WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS)
8. gratitude toward God
9. anger
10. compassion

- in that order- of frequency of occurrence. I'm 100% honest rn. I have never felt anything else. If you look at the list, Diary, you'll see that's it's mostly negative and pessimistic, and some might say detrimental to one's mental health. Fuck those people.

This is what you call a personality, innit. Sad. Not sad that this is me but sad that's what a personality is.

And it's gotten to a point h'where there is really no chance to change this list in any way. This is resolutely how I am- how I will be for my entire life. There is no changing that.


Humans are just here to feel emotions, barring all higher pursuits.

I think one reason I haven't changed is because maybe sometimes I don't wanna. I think not feeling contempt toward others will send me in a downward spiral into existential crisis. That's why I'm not enabling myself to change that. In fact I've constantly worked to ensure I don't belong in a position where I can relate to people more than I can feel contempt toward them. I can only tell that to you.

For some reason I begin to dread the question : "what's your type?" If you were young you could very well say "I don't have a type", but fending off this type of question is tiresome and saying "I don't have a type" seems childish at this point. I haven't given this a proper thought until recently because honestly, categorizing people into "types" isn't necessary, even if you're a politician. A clever politician wouldn't rely on identity politics. Anyhow, regardless of whatever lie I come up with, I want you to know the truth.

If the limit is 3, I hereby list 3 most prominent qualities in the supposed "type". OK? This is my type: Attractive, Depressed and High-functioning. OK? Let's leave it at that. I don't think I can relate to anyone who's not depressed, really. Like I said, let's leave it at that.

April Fourth . Whaddaya know .

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Activities in Tomb

Dating a reference back to 2012, not nice at all .

 Diary - I -

 It turns out I can't really appreciate Wagner- or anyone- for now- in the music area.

 Maybe it is true that one cannot appreciate everything- one is not equipped to understand and appreciate everything. Another dent in my belief, isn't it.

 Ever felt the world is too small, Diary ? Every day these pieces... these frankly unsympathetic pieces... run around in slow motion. What's good? What's really, truly good? What's not depressing ? What's not to dislike ?  For real .

 Diary. Listen. It's a strange notion. It's not a new notion. In fact I hope everyone has had this notion at least once .

 Human history really is pretty short.

A Piece of Context From Tuscany

 There is absolutely no need for a piece of context from Tuscany.

 IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!



  Oh wow. Oh.

 There is absolutely no need for a piece of context from Tuscany.

 I have the case of "context listening"- but don't you think it should stay in the context? Sure, I can't return to the exact location where I first heard it- where the emotion was first aroused- but maybe it means I shouldn't be revisiting it for no reason. If I'm feeling nostalgic because of history, I should dig it up and give it 10 loops tops, but as for soundtracks, don't you think they should stay in the game? I don't know what any music does for me outside of their respective context. Absolutely nothing. I will probably never get the correct context for Classical music. I've told you 100 times, every time I go to a concert I promptly fall asleep or get distracted completely by other thoughts that push out the enjoyment. Supposedly, it was enjoyment. It's embarrassing.

Oh wait that's it? It rained for twenty seconds straight. Nice. Thanks.


I guess it's just a kind of regret that I won't be able to enjoy such a common thing that prolly anybody other than the deaf can enjoy. But I'm not deaf. I'll have to think of it as something like lactose intolerance- which thankfully I also don't have. Eating cheese won't make up for it. Alright enough of this.

 Are you ready for a life- the rest of your short life - without music ?

 I am, Diary .

 ( OK it begins to rain again . )