Monday, February 25, 2019

Chill of death

If I die this year, you won't be surprised .

I feel the Chill of Death, Diary.

in the van


Do I have... have I experienced any emotion other than aggravation ?

I don't . . . I can't .

At one point I realized every unique thing you do and everything you learn- regardless of how big or small- further alienates you from other people. Time isn't a loop. History doesn't really repeat itself. People are not meant to be stuck in a rut. We have to progress- in the real sense of the word. We better ourselves not in order to accumulate any sort of fungible wealth.

I have several points of confusion as to how to proceed from there. I haven't the faintest clue where some people are. You know this. I've been pondering and wondering for the last 10 good years. I still don't know, and I can't keep it that way. It's become imperative that I do figure it out.

The week of timeline has begun. Don't distract yourself with other stuff .

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

I don't want to

I don't want to deal with handsome retards. I don't want to deal with fugly retards. I don't want to deal with French retards. I don't want to deal with British retards. I don't want to deal with rich retards. I don't want to deal with poor retards. I don't want to deal with good-intention retards. I don't want to deal with bad-intention retards. I don't care about anything else; as long as they're retards, I don't want to deal with them.

btw, cool lilies, eh?

Nice color variation .

Monday, February 18, 2019

0 1 0

Lots & loads has happened in the past 10 days. Future is a lil bit clearer now. Still, the stakes are high .

First - a light note. If anything, Uber Eats made me realize it just makes that much more sense to cook your own. I waited about 1 hr 30 mins for some clearly day old fried chicken. I'm talking about shriveled lukewarm dry chicken. It was so sad & it struck me. I was being overwhelmingly retarded. It's not supposed to happen. I could've cooked a nice steak dinner in 1 hr, and yet... I will never order take out again. I'll even take it one step further: ( mainly ) cash deals from now on.

- effigy -


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

I will remember this .

Whether this is another ill joke of God no longer matters to me. I have strayed from my path long enough.

You can't change who you are.

You can't change what you like.

Yeah, of course I can change when I know I'm wrong (but not in the wrong). Yeah, of course I know what is absolutely unattainable and untouchable.

But I suppose as long as I have life, I will continue making mistakes. I can strive to make least mistakes, but I worry if - no, it's not.

I keep forgetting how impressionable I am. But that's all the information there is. 

I am not broken. Yet. I will not allow myself be broken. I will choose Death. I have no fear.

What if it is 10 Chapters, y'know ?  I'm almost through, and don't you think I'm retarded for not thinking about it ?

File I never had.

One more unattainable item on the list .

My tragedy is God's comedy - but - Both are divine .

Analog .

Have I always been in the depth of hell ?

What I always say  -  immeasurable depth of despair .

- An Natural End .

Monday, February 4, 2019

Capcom's redemption arc .

I just remembered DMC 5 is coming out, too .

I think I'm over the failure of the Heroes franchise. Now, Ubisoft's redemption arc ? - Don't count on it .

How many times have the wheels been re-invented ?



 All the time .

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Fool !

Now - h'what kind of narcissist spends 1:30:00 after shower in front of a full length mirror? I'm a fool!

I will not mention the embarrassing thing that happened earlier in the day, but you better not do this again.

I think Mugler, CDC & Chloe are for me. a lil btw

Friday, February 1, 2019

Out .


Out with the Old.

Good God, Diary. I don't know if it's going to rain like it says.

I feel threatened now, from all powers above and beyond my control, which is overwhelming.

Yes... I have been feeling the chill again in my bones. It'll never be OK.

I've never been so frightened for... about being wrong.

My life is an ongoing existential crisis... perhaps also a manic episode .

I was never out of it . At the same time, I don't need these terms to describe myself .

I can put myself out there just like I put files in the cloud. I trust myself out there, sort of.

Oh. I almost forgot .

I have a lot of respect for this man .

Resident Evil: The Complete Saga (Cutscenes Movie of all Resident Evil Games)

( I watched RE2 remake, too . )