Monday, November 18, 2019

Friday, November 15, 2019

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Also

Hollywood is a mirror - of the state of affairs in the US of A. In golden eras, it reflected the rich, fulfilled life. Now it will churn out more fiction that reflects their reality. It'll get bleaker & bleaker over time. It'll show. It won't be the same ever again. Only downhill from here .


Easy Filter

This is an easy filter, Diary. Anyone who likes anything about the total piece of crap Joker, legitimately the worst film I've watched in my life, is written off. It doesn't make me angry or anything, it doesn't even aggravate me. I'm just immensely annoyed and disappointed. The hype & popularity of this showed me how bad it is "out there".

The island of sanity is beaten and encroached by waves of idiocy all of the time. 

I don't know how much self-stroking or self-pity these pieces of shit garbage need to move on with their life, but it's clear that they're miserable now. Karma. Great. 


Monday, November 11, 2019

W W W D

I cannot again .


Irreversible Trend

No.

There is no need to reverse, but much for alternation . 

Timeline -

0




Friday, November 8, 2019

Coastal Hibernation

Well? Do you think it's real?

- 1900  Fiction

1900 -  Science

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Inter - interface - 0

It sends me into a little panic attack to think others might also have these banks. I should expect the worst, but I don't think it's likely.

Also, I hate how I let little things get to me.

This has got to stop.


Monday, November 4, 2019

Don't eat

It has just occurred to me, of course this should be custom. I can't believe I haven't figured it out after 20 something years.

If you eat 1 meal per day and can sustain for 27 hours which fucks up your cycle, shouldn't you fucking even reduce on that basis to try and get something resembling a normal day of life?

I totally should eat 1 meal every 2 days. This is evolution. This has to be evolution. How else do you explain this. I haven't eaten all day today and I feel great. I'm focused and full of energy. Not like other nights where I can just feel I'm spending too much to process food. Spending too much energy to produce energy...? It's weird.

Anyway. It's clear that I don't need to eat every day. If I eat every 2 days, maybe I'll actually get tired at night like a normal person. The sun and earth aren't going to change for me, you know. I have to... I have to adapt to them. No complaint about that.

It is a mystery, though, because even on paper the math doesn't even make sense. It doesn't add up. How can a person live like this? Next level stuff.

I'm about to fuck off somewhere else in a month, Diary. That place is a lot colder, as far as I know. I guess I should be embarrassed by how little I know, but I really don't have time for it now.


Sunday, November 3, 2019

I honestly think I'm actually retarded

I've never met a more fragile person, Oh My God .

I have to think of a way to discipline myself. Pending capital punishment.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

0 - 0 0


0


0  G e s tell


0

Thursday, October 31, 2019

PC is wheezing

Every time it gives me that wheezing... I'm sorry, whirring sound I get nervous. Time to update it again.

What the fuck though, this should be able to handle it. I honestly don't need a new card. I need a new cooling system.


No Good Game

Not many anyway.

I literally went through all IGN reviews released for PC this year today. It looks like platformers are making a comeback but they just can't get perspective right.

It seems like people are obsessed with ugly things nowadays. It seems like UGLINESS is the new POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. WHY THE FUCK does it have to encroach on the gaming space

Not fair at all .

Thought about Elder Scrolls. No... I fucking can identify studio & house by looking at matte or texture now - or, rather, I've refined this ability .

Why did I never have time to get back to Warhammer. Oh yeah that's right, I can't stand anything that resembles LOL. How gross is that thing and how gross that it is still popular today. I saw about 10 screenshots in a lifetime and it still grosses me out. There are just things you pay no mind to and know not to involve yourself in even if a billion people have participated in it. Like most MMOs. Or Facebook.

I think Zuck is insane btw. If he wasn't 10 years ago, he certainly is now. Who is going to trust Zuck or Facebook with Libra? WTF. This is one of the sketchiest public projects I've heard of in recent years.

I honestly think I have a normal standard. Like, I think people will benefit & I'd like people to benefit from having this normal standard.

IGN boards are sad as fuck. Nobody goes there now. Where is everyone? Reddit? Gross.

Don't want to play same old ass Japan-styled game featuring samurai swords. The prominent Japanese elements are really played out. It's just samurai swords, baggy clothes, sandals & whatever. Same can even be said for some medieval armor. People don't invent anymore. It's really tiresome. I'm getting burned out just looking at them. This aesthetics is getting OLD.

God, I really don't think I'm asking for too much.

I'll play Anno 1800 actually

Not Tropico

Assassin's Creed. Been sitting for too long. I just hate to play stealth. That ruins it for me. Maybe I'll never play. Maybe I'll cheat and just walk around. Nice scenery. I really care nothing about the gameplay as far as I see. Stealth is my LEAST favorite MO. It's literally insufferable. ( Stealth is ONLY Acceptable in horror & survival )

I'm getting such fucking fatigue from samurai swords. Oh My God. I don't ever want to wield one ever again.

Going to watch Godfather movies again. & git Anno 1800.

Got it.

Might play Division 2 if I'm Really, REALLY bored one day

Oh Metro Exodus, how could I forget. Anno 1800 & this.

They don't ever fix the physics and display on some of these popular ones, I really don't know how people can stand them.

Anyway, Godfather 1-3, 1800, ME & RE2 first...


Auto-immunity

 0


Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Avoidance

I don't have persecutory fantasy. It's a term I clearly remembered from the MMPI 2 test that stings. I don't even know if that test still holds true anymore.

It's very good, very important and very late for me to outline the pattern I've observed about myself. Indeed I've been trying desperately and insofar fruitlessly to avoid the masses. I can easily keep myself in isolation, but their stupidity find ways to seep in. I really truly need to find a way to sever all ties with the hoards all at once. This is not difficult to do even in crowded locations. In fact, I think I can already manage the physical locations. It's the urge within that I need to work on. I need to resist visiting their forums and watch their entertainment. I need to shut off communication with them entirely. In other words, I have to stop being "curious" about them, which is very difficult to do.

I'm truly too caring. That is too big of a weakness. I mean, it's not wrong, but it's a bit too much. I have to get it under control. I can't have it become personal, no.


Monday, October 28, 2019

Witnessing

Did I witness the aftermath of a murder, Diary? No seriously, tell me.

How is it that, at 6PM! 6PM !  I saw a large German Shepherd with a severed human hand in its mouth just strolling on the street in the very, very heart of the city like NOTHING? And I don't know if its owner is homeless. It's very difficult to tell the homeless from the hippies around here. Same dreadlocks. Same nonchalant attitude. Where in the FUCK! Did the dog get the hand? It looks dirty. The wrist is dangling! I saw it! What the fuck! 6PM ! After human shit in the stairwell, I gotta see this!

Yeah, and the 2017 van incident that made international news. It's definitely a happening city. No.

What kind of a person am I? I'm not freaking out. Even as the dog turned to look at me- the hand was dangling in its mouth! - I was not moved. No, I didn't move. I just stood for a few seconds, "is this serious". No, who am I, Diary?

I know this is nothing compared to a day in wartime. I mean. Hey, I'd be - I'm saying.

Who am I. I know what I have to do. I don't really have a choice. It's pretty retarded. I've caused this retarded situation. I've put me in this. I've got to dig myself out.

I haven't even told you about the nightmares I've had since then. You're right, it keeps getting worse. Look what's become of my psyche. What I witnessed was nothing

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Multi- Channel - NIO


Multi- engine

is it too much? that's the question .

Saturday, October 26, 2019

The Worst Nightmare I've Had

The Rot .

It's times like this that remind me words are simply too pale. I'd very much like to describe it to you, but it's just not possible to convey that level of horror in words. I was in this house... it's SUPPOSED to be a place of safety, warmth and comfort. But unbeknownst to everyone, upstairs where everyone was forbidden to go was this dark green room where this HUGE rotten thing (still alive, half human?) was being kept and tortured. I don't know why. It's just impossible to tell you how terrifying it is. It's a meaty, oozing, scab-covered lump that was chained to the wall. Also half-immersed into the wall.

But I still managed to sleep. Remember this still all occurred in a dream. The worst part was - you know how people have the "naked" nightmare where they got naked in public and they panic? Well, this occurred at home. I never woke up from the horror dream but this one popped out of nowhere, that I was naked on my way to a shower and the vomit-inducing creep across the street saw me and dashed to the window. I believe this is the first time in my life that a nightmare woke me from sleep in the gasping manner. This fear is truly deeply instilled within me. Do you know why I only wear my best and prettiest clothes at home and the most unremarkable ones when I go out? This is why. I don't want to be seen by absolutely disgusting people. I will never wear my best outfits outside of a private setting. I WILL CHOOSE who gets to see me at my best. Arguably my worst clothes are better than the best of most.

I need to move.

My head hurts.

Troubleshooting isn't that easy. Not sure what else could've caused this.

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

The optick glasse of humors

https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A14665.0001.001?view=toc

Cooling Off Now .

I really hope the stupid thing I did was the only way to open it. Why does the "good old" way seem silly sometimes?

I'm disheartened, Diary, truly.

I'm trigger. I'm cornered.

I'm... just so frustrated !


Monday, October 21, 2019

Will they do an ETA -

DON'T .


Unrelated Note

I'm talking about police brutality. It can never feel like the protesters are asking for it even when the protesters are "asking for it". Ultimately, what led to these pointless, absolutely futile, inane  demonstrations is relenting of power, mostly arms. The other way could lead to civil unrest, a much greater danger to public safety than oppression and opposition.

But. Humans are meant to live freely. Perhaps it truly means that civilians can and should hold personal atomic bombs or at the very least, RPGs.


Modern Warfare Sucks

I just realized why. It's basically bullying. There is so little risk in inflicting injury and pain and unfathomable disparity between the bullies and the victims. You can easily hurt tens of thousands of people without losing 1 life on your end. It's not a fair fight. I'm very much against that.

It's basically picking who do you want to bully. The real "warfare" already happened in the military-industiral complex. It's very frustrating. We're never going to see a good old warfare.

Sword meets a sword, there is some honor in that, because of danger & risk.

Launch whatever onto UNARMED people, there's really no honor in that.

However, some- actually many- would argue war is a means to an end anyway. Totally, and in that sense it's evolved in the correct direction. I don't think so. I think conflict is essential to humanity and the loss of proper war is... well, loss of humanity.

Don't ask why humans have become so callous ever gain.


Saturday, October 19, 2019

Riot schedule pls?

When and where is the riot? It was absolutely peaceful today (during daytime) . There were tourists and performers on Ramblas, ocean front looks nice, people walking dogs... I even went to the avenue where the riot took place yesterday (the one streamed on RT), the one where all the walls got egged? It's like nothing happened! The place is totally calm and clean.

I'm like "oh cool, they're giving everyone Saturday off", and you know, there were guitarists and others performing in front of the cathedral and I was really feeling like this place is chill, then I come home and fix myself a mediocre dinner, and I come online and find another stream of the protest? Where is this one?

I'm not actually asking for the riot schedule, man.

I'd like to take back everything I've said about Tulsi Gabbard. I was very foolish to find problem with her using one word. That was not indiscretion. I now know that she is actually a much more direct and courageous person than I thought. Is she careful? In a way not apparent to me, perhaps. But it's a pleasant shocker that she would be so straightforward.

But the chopper is pretty annoying though. I keep trying to figure out how much fuel it's burning by flying 18 hours a day. I know, I know. Gotta find where they're gathering so as to bring about police vans. It's loud.


Mass media fail

& humans as collective

How attached are you to your own trash ?

I took the trash out a couple of hours ago, and just now, because of my OCD, I had to clear my fridge to get rid of anything that smelled funny or I no longer want. And as I was taking out the trash again I found a previous bag has been slashed.

It's not like a dog, is it? It's not like you left your dog out there for a minute, and you come back and find it slaughtered, and its guts spilling all over the place. It's trash- it's literally trash. Nobody wants it. It still baffles me as to why someone would go slashing trash bags.

I don't get the purpose of protesting. The first time I thought clearly about this was back then with Occupy Wall Street. It IMMEDIATELY, INSTANTLY struck me as UNBELIEVABLY inane and ineffective. It was honestly mind-boggling to me. I don't believe in any form of protest AT ALL. It's 100% INSANE to me. Oh God. Protesting is actually not taking initiative, Protesting is Mass Whining, that's it.

Hear me, Diary.

Protest is Mass Whining.

That's it.



Why are US devs SO BAD at character design ?

It's so hard to look at. It's honestly aggravating. It's like they're all using default models even with mocap. I don't even know how that's possible. It's like, even if you've got this absolutely realistic texture off of a real actor, somehow you can make it so lifeless... Good Lord.

US games tend to have terrible soundtracks too. I've told you before, they're inhuman. They don't know anything human. My God. They will lead the greatest discoveries and help humanity colonize the galaxy, but damn. They really honestly don't know anything about humans.

I keep saying it again and again. A country founded during the industrial revolution... it's in their DNA. They are MACHINES. Well, half-machines. But my conviction only ever grew stronger. Each and every one of them... HALF-MACHINE.

CYBORGZ !


Friday, October 18, 2019

Open Theater

Today is Cleanup Day so I'll let it slide, but I'm seriously moved to observe the open theater tomorrow.


OCD is getting worse

 h e h  .


Thursday, October 17, 2019

Cornered & Torn

I fucking need to dig myself out of this hole.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

How could I have missed it

Considering taking some short tripz .


Tuesday, October 15, 2019

The predictability is killing me a little

it also implies logic. Logic is not always a positive term, sometimes it refers to rigidity. You want a well guided yet elastic mind. 

I think more important tho is to find the way - it really should be a priority - if it indeed exists. 



0 Day

The last couple of days really taught me how corrupted a lot of institutions are. I feel obliged to retract some of my criticism of certain individuals. They are fighting monsters.

Their courage is inspiring, too. I know I'm even more alone but I feel less alone somehow.

Let's Go.


Monday, October 14, 2019

Democracy = Mob rule

I've given this a lot of thought, Diary.

If you have to have Dictatorship, would you rather have dictatorship of One or the Many? The answer is apparent. I've been escaping the scourge of the masses my whole life, fleeing from one scene of stupidity to the next. It's 100% torture. What to do when you have a group of all-too-easily-controlled individuals? And these groups all think the others are brainwashed. It's 100% deadlocked.

If you are so sure of yourself, you wouldn't need to seek to be a part of a larger group and compromise "minute details" that don't seem to affect your guiding principles. I'm just... I just can't handle people in think groups. I just can't.

I don't think I can watch anyone regurgitate any talking point one more time.I just can't. I'm this fragile, Diary, or rather, impatient. I'm really impatient. I don't have that sort of patience.

A Gang is powerful. Everyone knows that. And everyone knows a gang's power is NOT their knowledge. It's this pure bond they formed upon something that could be entirely wrong. If these people are insecure enough they can harness strange power from this fusion. It's totally GROSS.

Finding agreement is supposed to be a difficult thing. It's supposed to be nuanced in this day and age. Everything that's going on truly exposes just how many nitwits and halfwits are out there. It's a terrifying number. It's literally 99 to 1. I had not thought of this ratio. I did not know it's so deep.

I know now.

Their sameness is a penance already, so. I mean. I know what I'm seeing. They themselves suffer already. I guess I'm not really used to getting joy out of people's misery. I maintain that's wrong. I just don't know why are there so many people who don't want to help or better themselves, I guess. It's like they deep down know they're miserable, but they're fine with it, and they'll take any excuse that justifies their misery and hold on to it so tight that they literally form bond around it like molecules.

Many virtues are lost, so very true. But what really gets me is, it isn't about virtues. It's about survival, even. It's about basic happiness and humanity. How do people readily and simply sacrifice and give up all of the above? I don't understand. They just give up. Nobody can help you when you give up.

Democracy = mob rule - does that mean the mob, in this context literally "the masses" have to be defeated? Absolutely. I've had enough of their plain lack of everything except hubris. But the difference of overthrowing a single dictator vs the masses is, you just want to get it over with when it comes to the latter. And there is no sense of honor, no. It's throwing out trash, that's it.


Sunday, October 13, 2019

I've made absolutely sure

I've made absolutely sure I don't need any of it, Diary. Don't need it.

I don't know if this is yet another metamorphosis, prolly just becoming more sure of my conviction.



Saturday, October 12, 2019

All Lean Countries

Luxury is, of course, dream & fantasy but.

Has it occurred to you yet?

All are actually lean countries.

Ini

100


Value of fact vs opinion

Don't get me wrong, both have invaluable values. At times, opinions have more value.

Now is not one of those Times.


Absolute Agency

Destiny & Will .

L i nlr 


Friday, October 11, 2019

Look at this Ad

I want to post some other ones also, but this, every time I see it .  It's just funny and aggravating at the same time .




No Surface To Project Onto

Why it fails.

It's a problem, innit . 


Thursday, October 10, 2019

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Hollywood movies don't age well, do they

I don't think I can watch any of it with anybody. It's too cringe!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG TOO CRINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This stuff doesn't age well. Oh WOW. I can't believe it, Diary. What the hell.

In contrast, pretty much all games I like aged well.


W - H - A - T       -       G - I - V - E - S    ?



Oh Hollywood is a pipeline... even now it's a PIPELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my God. I can't believe I didn't follow the pattern in the 03-04 ones. Same casting principles, story line, set &....... Oh Wow.



Just - like any other factory.



Good God. I don't know what to make of it anymore. How long do you think the Netflix model is going to run? Can people actually take this seriously? I don't think I can take this amount of cringe. Oh God. It was NOT apparent back then, but it is now. What is not cringe to others today is clear to me NOW. They will see in the future what I'm already seeing today.


None of this is going to age well. They're trying to create the new standard and in part succeeding. Not forever, not even for long !



Monday, October 7, 2019

Sunday, October 6, 2019

It's getting to me .

Predictable games is finally getting to me.

I don't think I can play non-fantasy or non-open-world games anymore.

It's so sad.


Harrowing experience 100

One of the most obnoxious things is getting someone's hair in your face.

For some reason I just thought of this. Standing too close to someone -  in this context a girl with long hair -  and she just shakes her hair and it gets in your face. It's not something I can tolerate.

I just find hair disgusting. If you're not tying it up you should not be shaking it in a dense crowd. It's too GROSS.

I find most things about most people GROSS to be frank. There is still reason to single it out.


Which one? Which one?

Not in the game .

Saturday, October 5, 2019

100

Does this many iterations make you:

1. nauseous ?
2. annoyed ?
3. other 


Friday, October 4, 2019

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Basics & Perfection

Pursue both.

lose both.

Nothing is left. Whose version of "the perfect world" it is right now?

On its way.




Monday, September 30, 2019

Oh

I've had some of the most retarded thoughts ever .

It bothers me because they don't facilitate producing the best thoughts .

Sunday, September 29, 2019

"Cesare Paciotti"

Don't fucking forget the name again. I'm throwing away the label. This is my favorite brand for nightwear (not lingerie), NOT La Perla .


Condensed Content


& extrapolation .


Why do we keep Diaries

@ least mine is in the right place .

Friday, September 27, 2019

Before I forget

You wouldn't know it, but these days have the best temperature. May - June & September - October - hands down the best months.


Lot of Anger

I don't want to see circlejerk anymore .


Thursday, September 26, 2019

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

I don't kno

I Googled "What to do with marinated chicken wings" today, because I don't... I bought it and I know I can quickly cook it tomorrow but I don't know how.

Oh wow. Say no more.


I said WHO !

If only those Patreon tards drew inspiration from this

.

- Not



Tuesday, September 24, 2019

I understand alcoholics now .

I had a glass of sherry w/ sugar & haven't had other food today. Not even 10 gnocchi. Don't need food at all.  I think I understand now -

Or is it that I'm too troubled to eat.

I must've lost my appetite 6 years ago.


Monday, September 23, 2019

Who the fuck runs this server .

I think last night might've been the most ill I've ever been .

I always emerge from this- anyone can- it's the shape you're in afterward .

( if - )

Clarity is the only thing I'm after.

Clarity is the only thing I gain in life .



-

Worst Case Scenario

I'm rolling my eyes at this, but I can't waste any more time on it.

So.

I'm really... fucked!

Should always prepare for the WORST


Sunday, September 22, 2019

Event Tonight

I was right, Diary.

It would've  been weird for me to be there tonight- look at all these old heads. but damn it, it's in Sagrada Familia & I want to go see the next one. You know it's not built as a tourist spot, you know the rules are there for religious reasonz. Now I'm not Catholic at all so it'll be immense pressure for me to stand among a bunch of religious fundamentalists, but damn it, I want to go see it live. This is for the true purpose of the basilica's design .



She actually sings & sings pretty well imo




The rest of them also sing but they sing rather . . terribly .

Supposedly the devils went out and about for a bit
n quickly defeated by the choir . . .

The choir is pretty impressive actually 
Finally, there it is! The chant I've been listening to & trying to understand.

You know, this is true culture that's endured time. This is why Sagrada Familia was erected. Gaudi himself prolly watched these plays.



Sadly, I'm too dumb to even understand the role of each character in this old, old play.

then some people show up with knives . . ? 


n everyone starts putting on hat . . 
& they carried her bed away .

I'm reminded of all those parades I saw where people carried Virgin Mary. One time they passed by this street &  Oh I just remembered it was actually an effigy of Jesus & his head got caught in the power lines. They got it free & the crowd cheered. It all happened right under my windows .




Final Chant. T H E  E N D . 
You know, this is good. It could've felt very holy back in the day, but also -

it's made me appreciate more the chaos & opportunities of today .

Oh this is the final form of Mary ( is it ? ) 

The End - think again ! 


- T  H  E   E  N  D  -





List of people I don't want to see

What the fuck is wrong with these people

Why the fuck do they pop out of nowhere all of the sudden


I don't want to see Greta Thundercunt mentioned anywhere ever again .



A List of Things that Won't age well

Lots of items


& I accept it .


 I will never work out my anger issue 


I do owe her .

I Suppose .

The More I think about it , the clearer it becomes to me that

It is my own problem & I do owe her , after all .

I alone can fix this

I will .


Saturday, September 21, 2019

I want to throw up

I feel pretty defeated & I want to throw up .



Which Means


We're all means to an end .  0

Subjectivity Serves Objectivity 0


My Greatest, Deepest Fear

You can't fundamentally relate to people from hundreds of years ago.

Maybe not even those not your contemporaries.


0 - 1

I feel like each and every person is sick sometimes. Certainly too sick for my liking.


-

Strange dreams.

I don't remember them.

They're taxing as always.

weather report says... well- we'll see.

I've been thinking about some other things as well, but nothing keeps me up at night anymore.

.

and uh... I dusted out my PC ( compressed air isn't that impressive )  but by the sound of it I thought it was going to hang again . . .

It's so right. One thing can fix all of these problems .



Thursday, September 19, 2019

Stop thinking about new wheels

& Stop thinking about the last harrowing experience of finding out about the new wheels .


 - t r 1 0


ORI

I had many sobering moments these past couple of days.

( another community collapsing . . )

 .


That's right, Diary - Choose what you see. Choice is Will's Representation .


Wednesday, September 18, 2019

De-ranked Websites

Now Google has me worried . 


Tuesday, September 17, 2019

The Real Use of CRISPR

& CRISPR-related, CRISPR-like tech.

I can't believe these idiot who concern themselves with endangered species. Oh God. Don't they know? Of course not. They will only look infinitely more stupid in the future. I can't wait to see how right I am.

That's also when I realized Serpent Fly Pond may not stay a dream after all. I can materialize it.


Serpent Fly Pond

I'm almost broken just thinking about how good a Serpent Fly Pond is. 

You go to the Serpent Fly Pond, and it's just all of my friends... serpent flies are so loyal and clever. 


I don't know why I just LOVE this unit... 

I wouldn't lug around hundreds of core of any other kind, except skeletons in necro for you know why, but serpent fly is an exception. It's so realistic. I just keep imagining I will go to this pond in summer and it's the serpent fly pond, and we're all friends there. We trade story and intelligence. I'll have an army of serpent flies! 

That's the Only scenario where summer is enjoyable. 

I will start recording some of the maniacal laughter in the street starting tomorrow (at random). You'll see what I have to put up with. I swear to God people don't know what they sound like. 

Now imagine we're at the Serpent Fly Pond... the weeds are combed gently by the wind... the sun is warm... and it's me & all of these friendly creatures... I rest for a bit... we talk about how to breach the next stronghold... life is good. 

If you fantasize about anything that CAN happen in real life, good for you- it's COMPLETELY different than this. I can't see how any of this can materialize. 

Life is suffering, so much suffering. The nightmares are back. A bunch of other petty things I don't want to deal with as well. Life is pure pain endurance. 

Too much pain - not getting what I want. 


Monday, September 16, 2019

Choice

Oh wow Tulsi is going off the rails. Let's not talk about that first .

Last night I realized- I found an explanation for many topical phenomena.

Let's take the English Channel for example. You weren't allowed to venture solo across the English Channel as a means to get back and forth between England and France. For whatever reason. Prolly not even out of concern for your safety. Now you can-  that doesn't mean you should. In many cases, too, the options that have been opened up to everyone should only be exercised by a tiny minority. Like that hoverboard guy.

A lot of these topical phenomena are no less dangerous than venturing solo across the English Channel. Just because you have new freedoms doesn't mean you have to flip. You don't have to switch. If what you were doing was right, there is no need to change. On the other hand, if the law forbids you to do the right thing, in my opinion you should do it anyway.

It truly is a good epiphany. All of the sudden I distinguish all the things people do to be trendy. Just look at the timestamp. Has it happened shortly after that option became available? The sheer availability will facilitate people to choose.

So that's another piece of the puzzle solved.

On One exploit 

This has been grilling me for a while now. I'm not sure if I should be drilling at 1 exploit. It's good, but the fact that it's open to the public every once a while- let's say 2-4 times a year- gives me pause . . . I can have it every day of the year, so in a sense it's at least 100x better than what everyone else is getting. The field is big enough, #1 in the world if I care- I do a bit- & I know I'm the only one who owns it.

On the other hand, it does cost me time, which should be dedicated to other things as well. This aspect of my life should not be time-consuming at all, it's like a premise.

I'm only getting fairness in my opinion, which is what it's supposed to be. I shouldn't dwell on it. I can't let the exploit exploit me. It's been over a year & it's definitely transformed me to an extent, but I can see the ceiling of the change that could take place. It's demystified a lot of things for me, too.

Overall, a good one; I need to get a grip.

On Others 

OK. On Tulsi. I'm totally an outsider to American politics, but anything American can afford this illusion of being inclusive and involving. The fact that Washington is becoming more fascinating than Hollywood signifies a good thing- mass awakening of consciousness & is entirely on the fault of the latter- US' greatest propaganda arm I'd say. I think I've come across the WORST adaptation of Sherlock Holmes yet. It was so awkward & hard to watch that I had to stop.

On Tulsi. I saw a screenshot earlier today and thought for sure it was doctored, because it's so uncanny she'd say that. But on the off chance... I checked her Twitter anyway and found out it's real? Do you really say things like that, Tulsi? I think she's become unhinged and deranged. Like the inner working of DNC has broken her faith. You'd think soldiers have steely mind, not when they're not abroad, they don't. I can clearly see she's breaking down. It totally ruined her image. Look, I know she planned to be aggressive when she went after Google and I applauded her for being bold when she said she'd pardon Snowden and Assange. But whenever someone crossed her it really got her on nerves and she still perceives the world from a foot soldier's perspective rather than a leader's. You don't say the B word Tulsi. Never. There are harsher names you're free to use that won't destroy your legitimacy. That word is not presidential, it's not leader-like.

I have to assume that she knows this and she's going to crash and burn anyway. Politics is too mercurial for a hardened mind. Perhaps your perspective won't sway after witnessing actual deaths, but the whole country can't be overseen by a narrow perspective.

I just collapsed. I don't know what I've done today that got me so tired but here you go.



Sunday, September 15, 2019

Don't you know I want to C U M

Diary:

Let's talk about trans for a second. I fundamentally identify with the pain they're suffering. I knew long before the term became widely used that "gender dysphoria" is a real thing, but the tricky part is I don't believe what's on display right now is a genuine reflection of what lies within.

There are categories within trans people, of course, and I don't know any of them. I just know that the drag queen shows (RuPaul) I stumbled upon- this culture really feels like a parody & mockery of women more than anything. I can't say I know exactly what men are experiencing when they want to become women. I know what some women must be feeling and oddly, no gender reassignment surgery will fix it.

The most important thing that separates men and women is their role in reproduction. Cutting off your genitalia doesn't change that ( lest eliminate it ), so I don't understand why people do it. You just go from one sex to no sex, not the opposite sex. Unless a man can become pregnant somehow or a woman can ejaculate cum and impregnate, there is really no point.

So that's why I've never given the trans thing any thought. It stops right there. I've accepted it and this dysphoria can live in my head.

&

In my head, it's tormented me 1000000000 times.

I really want to know what it feels like to cum and impregnate someone. It's too good being a man. Imagine all the services. Look, most females exist solely to serve men. So many of them spend most of their time to make themselves look good, that's it. And when they walk on the street anyone can look at them. The man they want attention from is prolly hanging out in a private club somewhere or working, both she's too dumb to get in. In the meantime all these gross-looking, t-shirt wearing assholes on the street get a free view. What a life. Babes everywhere. There are just too many beautiful women and I'm too straight. I'm a carnivore stuck in a vegetable garden.

I'm glad the whales and hardcore dykes are out there campaigning, bc if they truly believe in what they preach, they're better than me. I've long lost hope in this gender. Most women are dumb as rocks and hard-wired to please men. Nearly every woman I've come to know in every city I've lived in  in every country is the same. It's fucking nuts. All I can think of is how good it is for a man to enjoy all this.

I had this notion though: what if it's reverse and the camwhores are men- it freaked me out instantly. No. It doesn't work that way. Women's seduction is women's seduction. Seeing femininity in men makes me want to puke. I might as well puke bc of what's going on today...

I think war can fix a lot of these problems.

But anyways. In conclusion, I still don't know what pushed trans people to go through transition, like what are the convincing, legitimate reasons. I have not found any. But fundamentally I relate to them. Well, half of them. Why in the fuck would anyone want to become a woman. Give me a break.

One rhetoric I often see is women's lives are easy. Yeah but those are also despised. If you're a humanitarian, you ought to recognize the humanity and dignity in others even when they themselves don't. Do you know what I mean? Like a girl has no self respect and trades sex for money (for about 10 years tops), you shouldn't be saying her life is easy, that's outright retarded even as an observation. You ought to see the humanity in the person and feel sorry for the fact that she doesn't have a clue in life and that she's rotting as a human. Even if you can't help her, the feeling is sorry and not envy. I have no doubt many men would in fact happily live an easy life this way as some low life- many do- but like I said, as a humanitarian, I only see the deterioration in humanity.

There have been too many lies and acts of egregious injustice committed against women that I don't think will be fixed in the short remainder of humanity. It'd be good, sure, but we don't have time for it and we can't act fast enough. I can't say this human experiment was successful. I think much of human potential has been wasted. I think we could've had flying cars by 7th century. But no, men had to turn MOST WOMEN into fuck toys and house maids.

No for real, we could've had flying cars by 7th century. Suppose 1% of women are not retarded, we could've had flying cars by 7th century, and more.

What a waste. What a waste!

And by my own observation, h'what is the non-retardation rate in men? About 1 in 1000. Heh. Fancy seeing a woman bending over backward to cater to some dumbass man. "Will he notice this little tweak in my appearance, be it hair, makeup or clothing?" No just strip naked. And don't say you also wear it for other women, we're not gay.

Sad as fuck, man. If only MOST WOMEN can accept that men are simple-minded creatures and stop trying so hard, it would relieve so much tension. No one should spend that much time getting ready. Why don't you try to make HIM look good so it motivates you to fuck him? What's the objective here?

I don't think I can visit pornhub for the rest of the year. That place is sad as fuck, oh God. I'm sorry for this diatribe Diary but the floodgate is open. Every time I go to pornhub I'm saddened by the kind of sex people are having. In this time and age, still so uncreative and unpassionate... it's so fucking sad. I don't have any other word. Oh God. So sad. I can't believe it. Even the professional ones of course. Then I thought maybe the good ones don't want to film it. Kind of selfish but understandable ... I would know, don't you think?

Anyway. because of this mentality I have- I love myself and accept who I am and who I want to be, I embrace and endure the pain and need massive amount of satisfaction to overcome it, so I have standards. I really fucking need both parties to be hot and beautiful and really fuck hard. I really don't know if it's wise- prolly NOT- but I really might have to illustrate some day. It is insane how outstanding and lonesome I am in some fields, Diary. It's insane.

What would you feel if everyone at the party describes this delicious gourmet food to you and how popular it is, how prestigious it is, how coveted it is, whatever, and when they show it to you it's a fucking BLT sandwich. FUCK OFF. I'm pressing hard at this urge to show them.

I really feel like an IMPORTANT ART is lost among humans. You know they imitate what they watch so... it's like all downhill from then.

Onto something else. Disk writing speed is kind of slow. I may be getting 1 iPhone 11. It still baffles me how a phone is supposed to cost more than a laptop. I just can't justify it. I also can't make sense as to why they must become bigger every year while pocket size stays the same. The fashion industry and the tech industry need to have a honest conversation. Could be why people have to have phones in their hand all day bc they can't stuff it in their pocket. I really don't care about the camera. You know most phone reviews I read recently don't even talk about RECEPTION. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHAT DO YOU NEED A PHONE FOR. Again I really can't justify the price anyone's paying for these shitty features. A lot of these is just people wasting time. An idiot is going to do what an idiot does. When you have saved an idiot from labor, he's not going to go on and improve himself let alone the society. He's going to have inane conversation with his idiot friends to pass the time. Ask the dumbass who lives on the street who fucking laughs for no reason for hours on end every single day. It gives me PTSD.

Again, I think Spain is great, but their joy has scarred me. Their laughter has damaged me beyond recovery. I wish they could tone down and stop laughing for a second. I don't think there is anything in the world that can keep a Spaniard down. I can't think of anything. Sure, they might cry, but prolly not ruminate. It really traumatizes me to encounter people who laugh so loud so easily. It really is traumatizing. It'd be raining for an hour and it's all wonderful and quiet in the street. AS SOON AS  the rain stops, like 10 seconds afterward, people would swarm the street and start LAUGHING. WHAT- THE- ACTUAL- FUCK. This is like a true nightmare for me.

I can get through this, Diary. Despite everything, I appreciate what I have. This is objectively my only choice at the moment. I don't view it as everybody does, but I can appreciate it. Their positivity is truly grating... but I can get through this.

You & me together.














Oda Non

Oda-non, beautiful bastard... not my style but I can definitely get off to this . . .

Good to know there's someone good out there. there are like only 3 adult manga artists who's worth something lol .

Diary, be patient.


Saturday, September 14, 2019

Work & knee

People do other types of work nowadays .









Wednesday, September 11, 2019

I've pleasured myself so much that I lost 10 pounds

in the last month or two. Either that or the new portion-controlled diet.

I think it's the diet.



I got a lil excited . . .

I got a lil excited by how good the weather is today and I thought about sex for over 10 hours. I do't think I was paying attention to anything I was doing.

Thing is I can't get used to it. Sooner than I think this city is going to return to its sunny hell.

I'm telling you climate can modify one's personality. Those who live in cold, rainy climate are more logical and reserved. I can't at the moment. I mean it's OK. If you learn about the world it's like no city is worth living in. Who knows. I'll visit Paris. I don't know when.

What you're seeing in the world is a L E V E L I N G  E F F E C T .  OK? Got it, Diary? Leveling effect. That's fair. It's bound to happen. Some realize this. Time is F A I R .

Good to have a new character ( not really ) to masturbate to .

Let's see- what else . . .



Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Will it . . .

I can't believe - however brief it is - it's raining season now. I enjoyed the downpour yesterday, thoroughly.

Thank God.

Thank you, God.

Life is constant trade-offs, never on equal terms. It seems so a lot of times, but it is not.

- what to do with what we have. You're correct, Diary. I've done nothing with some of the things I have- to set aside time for what's important. It would be a loss- and a shame on my part if I didn't spend the set aside time to do it.

Unfortunately, to be totally honest with you, that's what I've failed to do for a long time. I regret it every day. I can only hope by telling you this I can do better now.

I can be tremendously stupid sometimes; you know this. At the same time, I'm not.

I'd still say that I'm aware the state of my mental health is far from ideal. It's the first time I worry what they might diagnose me with. I don't have to worry about that, though. And unlike before, for the first time I'm not interested in self-diagnosing either. Perhaps it's because I've lost faith in the medical system. Perhaps I just know.

Either way. Will it . . .



 - -

it's raining . .  i've never been more encouraged  .










Monday, September 9, 2019

Getting angry

I'm nearly getting angry at myself.

I've been trapped in a logical swamp of paradox .

Do I wish to be right - or no -


Friday, September 6, 2019

for scale .

Diary:

I can eat no more than 10 gnocchi per day. Yes I only eat one meal / day, but that meal cannot be more than 10 gnocchi in size. I'm talking about regular gnocchi, like store bought, Rana gnocchi. What to do with this portion size. It's too difficult. It's too painful to eat more than this. Yet I literally don't need any more. My body is too efficient.

It's not a bad thing, is it.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Despair

Are you proud?

I tried to read Carl Jung yesterday. It only brought me despair. I read the part about dream analysis. It's just pure despair. Maybe all that I like is one sentence.

This one sentence: " People don't have ideas. Ideas have people. "

This was enough to compel me to read his works. I don't even know the context of that sentence (yet). Yet all that I've found so far is despair.

I don't need any of it.

Progress is bound to bring boredom. Or I'm looking in the wrong places.

Anyway. It's just disheartening. Imagine not being able to extract fun and solace even from the dead.

Help me, Diary - help me help myself.

No. I know what I need to do. I mean in addition to.

It's just... life is too much disappointment, Diary .

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

all sorts of hell

There are all sorts of hell on earth, Diary .  Did you know ?

this dude had 7000 channels blocked

I have 1700. But like he said it stopped working. And I feel as many do the repulsion when all of the sudden all the channels we despise come flooding back. I prolly should never pay attention to Trending anyway because it's always irrelevant content in there- still.

In life not only is it important to gain what you want but also to lose what you don't want. Just maybe- most things aren't desirable .

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Pinch myself, stab myself


whatever it takes to get normal

NORMAL

N O R M A L

N  O  R  M  A  L  

N  O  0   


Immense Pressure

Diary.

Read the stats, do the math - it's not that hard.

I've 100% given up hope.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Why are you being gay about it


I'm not being gay about it


this post is entirely pointless



Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Don't


It rained for an hour or so today.

I have a lot to tell you, then I feel like I shouldn't. I won't.

I know I'm in denial, somewhat. I can't help but seek out what I kind of want (but definitely can't have).

No. I will abide by the rules. This will go away.

I am only human. Of course I have human weaknesses.

I should work on those .


From mastery to conscience. From detail to abstract. Is it an evolution? Or do we always strive for the unattainable- or at least difficult-to-obtain when we've grown comfortable with what we have?

What does Art highlight ?

I feel like the world is closing in.

I've thought about it.

Soon- SOON!  the world will become too small. I tried to imagine .

What will it be like when people all start to feel like this.

We almost  have to  go.



0 " E x p e r t "

1 " A u t h o r i t y "

0 " S e l f "

0 1 " S o c i e t y "



Angular. ( p e g s )

None of us fits in the round hole.

It's all suffering .


Monday, August 19, 2019

POST 1 0 0 0

tolerance, can make fact, but are not in and of themselves facts .


Dry as fuck N.P.U. Sherry

N O


( aged over 18 years )

( bright amber )

I'll try again tomorrow .


Patience and Hatred

I'm being challenged right now.


Saturday, August 17, 2019

4Chan is so BORING .

4Chan is so retarded and boring OMG.

I went there thinking this is one of the few popular sites without censorship. Couple days in, I thought maybe it's the mass shooting that's causing these discussions. Later I found that no, it's actually not just a trend. All they do is obsessing over skin color every day. How do they do it? I don't know. How do they maintain such high traffic? I really have no idea. They're so BORING, like unbelievably monotone. It's even a bigger echo chamber than some progressives on Twitter.

And with all the Jew-hating and Christianity-loving? I don't get it. Hebrew Bible is literally canon. How can a Christian hate Jews? I don't get it. Are they seriously that retarded? H-hwat? You can't love Christianity and hate Jews at the same time. I can't even say anymore.

The shooter never goes to Congress anyway. It's sad that they always shoot in Walmart, garlic festival or some open air concert in Vegas, trashy places nobody of import goes to. They're literally shooting themselves. Those are their fellows, they're literally struggling in very similar life conditions. I guess if they were able to empathize none of it would've happened in the first place.

Is this what you get when you have a platform without censorship? It's very sad.

People are devastating. Everybody has talking point but strangely, at the end of the day, I don't think there are many happenings to talk about.


Realism

They say keep it real - it's not that simple. 

I had to discover it the hard way & the long way. 

Stream of consciousness - worthless when you are not sure of your beliefs - even when it's based on good faith skepticism. 


Friday, August 16, 2019

Hanoi


H'what kind of idiot keeps mistaking Hanover for Hanoi in the head - Me, that's who!


Thursday, August 15, 2019

Gain & Loss


The moment you realize they are, you also realize they're gone . 

blank pill


Diary :

How do I convince myself these people are my real friends, true friends? I know it's true but somehow I can't find acceptance in my heart. How?












Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Which is the world Capital

Which is the world Capital, Diary?

New York? Definitely not London. No city in Germany. They think they're smart- yeah, it's better for common people, but none of them qualifies as a world metropolis.

It's either New York or Paris. That's it.

It's definitely Paris.

Look at the reach and surroundings. Also, history. Not even a question.

OK. Case Closed.


Time to reflect


Once again, it's time to reflect .

I blame myself for not doing enough research. That always, without exception, ends badly.

I did the best I could, in retrospect. Some perspectives could not be acquired from faraway.

I can only hope I'm doing enough research this time. Indeed I have been doing better .

I have to be realistic and totally honest. There are some hard lines now. I know I've told you this many times now, but now truly, I'm certain and there are fewer and fewer things I'm willing to test. That period of time was short.

I have to be harder on myself. I have to realize that the vacation is over. I will be adventurous only in one direction. I will not take excursions. That is a hard realization, but I have to.

You have to give up large swaths of land, numerous number of people & innumerable number of fantasies.

They don't exist.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Beauty of Math

How many trials and errors had to be undertaken to lead to this . . .

The greatest human understanding of the universe is prolly through the most abstract philosophy- the broadest yet capable of being consistent generalizations- and concrete math.

Some say math is both abstract and precise. No. I think math is just precise. Even when it offers a range, that range has a border that is clearly defined.

Abstract (philosophy) advances a sense of unknown. It's to expand on the basis of a rhythm past, present (all that is not concrete) - future and Other.

Everything should reflect that.

All clothing and perfume shall reflect that. Diet. Lifestyle. Yes Diary - Lifestyle. If you have to make choice about what you're going to do with what you have, here is your guidance. This makes things easier for me. Thank you - I mean - thank me .


Saturday, August 10, 2019

Impression

You know, my impression of this city, no - this country - has been . . .

But now I'm actually impressed. I'm so impressed they get anything done at all. I'm sure 10 or 20 years ago, the weather of Barcelona was wonderful and it definitely earned its reputation as one of the top tourist spots. But today. Diary, let me tell you. Without a doubt, anyone who visits Barcelona in summer is a FOOL.

Hot Damn. I'm beat. I don't know how they do it. The locals have to adjust, too, you know? Let me see what the temperature is in Granada. WTF their lows are actually lower. But the highs are...

Will Spain and much of the world become unlivable? For me, definitely. These people will hang on.

I almost died this week. I can't survive without air conditioning. The shops are still open. I admire them. The people who hustle on the street, tourists, etc...

Don't think the food delivery business model will last. It's a fad. I read an article on the Economist from a different angle, but this isn't even about competition. You're not driving an Uber. It's exploitation on a whole different level. You have to deal with weather all on your own. Oh God.

It's insane.


Thursday, August 8, 2019

Funny stock images

Diary -

Sometimes I see a stock image and an indescribable stream of hopeless emotions crush down over me and I laugh from the bottom of my heart uncontrollably. What I learn from this is, future has to be random and fault tolerant. We'll manufacture mistakes.


a fly

I'm still being eaten alive by this mosquito(es) but who cares. The last one was so lazy & dumb it starved itself to death while waiting all day next to my pillow. This one is so cruel and clever that I haven't found it or heard it buzzing around.  12 bites now.

There is a lil fly though just flying around. It never got out during the day when the windows are wide open. Why are bugs so annoying?

Why are humans so annoying just like bugs to any higher intelligent beings?


Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Active Stasis


  - 

10 bites

I don't know how many mosquitoes are in my home right now, I just know they took 10 large bites without me knowing. This has got to be the worst week in August - WORST week of the year.


Monday, August 5, 2019

"normal people"

When an old woman wants to be loved, she walks her dog while wearing nothing but a sports bra.

When - I don't know- a  guy in its 20s - 30s wants to be loved, he broadcasts his quirks in the most expressive way, such as FUCKING ATROCIOUS SINGING LIKE THROAT BREAKING SINGING for a whole hour.

I'm seriously considering calling the cops. His voice is SO HIDEOUS. Oh God.  Nobody lacks so much self-awareness. It's so repulsive. It makes me so Angry. I hope his vocal cord gets ripped one day.

Women scream silently. All those revealing clothes and flirting eyes- it's still quiet. Not men. They have to vocalize it. They have to be heard.

Holy shit, I got it - women have to be seen; men have to be heard. 


Yet just like you can't choose who's your classmates or who works in your organization (unless you founded it, which is a big reason why I do), you can't choose who's your neighbor. I imagine you have some say in rural areas, but feeling stranded if you buy all the land is another trade-off. It's impossible in the city, no question about that at all.

I don't think a French person can sing so loudly and hideously, but I could be wrong. They could have other "quirks". But this is really pushing at my limit. 8PM is a golden hour. Now what.

I hope he dies.

Old women tend to hate young women. I don't think old men have similar feelings for younger men. Ew it's prolly worse, right? They might grope them. All the church stories? Old women just don't want young women to have the attention they want, which seems so much more tame and fair. I don't know who has it worse, I'm just telling you about some of my neighbors.


Not rioting

They're right. It's not really rioting.

People are peaceful. They still sing. They still yearn for the ordinary stuff.

It's all OK .


The Unit Year

 0 / 1


Sunday, August 4, 2019

10 yrs - is it normal

Is it normal for the average educated mind to catch up to some of the top rated minds 10 years ago, 10 years later? Is 10 years a regular amount of time for this?

I feel like despite failure in the established systems, public education is in fact improving quite a lot. It's always a numbers game, and the number speaks for itself. I'm glad. 10 years kind of makes me nervous, though.

I'm still somewhat glad that when I look back on what I said about 10 days ago, I already feel like it's said by an idiot. I'd like to keep a steep learning curve for life. There is security in restlessness and this sort of danger.

There is a solution for public well-being - one I've already come up with. For the time being I'm going to bed. Good night.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

0110

I just want to quickly say, Diary, bc this is too sad.

I've lived on... well, close enough to las Ramblas for more than two and half years and it occurred to me today I've never stepped into a Zara or Mango or this type of store. I stepped in one today to get some cool air and let me tell you, it is too sad. I can't believe people are being ripped off like this in their home country. Home city! I just found out Mango was founded in Barcelona. It's too sad. Let me tell you, the stuff they sell for 10 a piece costs about 1 to make. Need I say more? Atrocious quality. All the while I was thinking "are people so poor nowadays they have to buy this?"

It's actually expensive if you think about it. The price is all profit. If people would spend 100 on a quality shirt that they'd otherwise waste on 3-4 low quality t shirts, they'd actually be getting a better deal. A quality shirt won't be able to sell at that margin. You get uniqueness & quality. I can't believe people can't do that math. I'd wear the same shirt 3 days in a row, I don't care. I really hope fast fashion is on its way out. I mean, you have the highest margin and you sell to more people... it's like Walmart I guess, the downside is incredible waste, damage to environment and exploit of workers around the world.

It's too sad. I've seen hundreds of thousands of tourists today in just 1 hour, none of them was memorable. Too sad. I don't know what they're doing walking around in the sun. The weather is honestly too atrocious & I indeed can't take it anymore. I don't know why someone would like the sun so much - every single day. Give me a break .


Friday, August 2, 2019

Losing faith in games

Diary:

I just played through a game that I've cherished since childhood. There is a speed bug that can't be fixed (especially on WIN10) so that's why I've only played it once, if at all... because I don't remember any of it. The sequel is pretty bug-free and I've played the sequel numerous times and I recognize all the characters, but I don't remember any of the plot or dialog on this one at all...

So it's quite possible that... this is the FIRST time I've played it . . . . . .

I just . . .

Diary . . .

I can never gather enough courage . . . but I have to . . .

Oh God, Diary. Why. This franchise is so important to me. This story is so important to me. Oh . . . Why . . .

Oh God . . .

What have I spent all these years believing . . .

Dear Lord, Save me please .

Oh God . . .

No . . .

it's not supposed to be like this . . .

I don't even have any strength anymore . . . Diary . . . what's it going to take to get this . . . off of me .

The sense of sanctity . . . is still here .  But I've lived a lie.

The sequel, I'd say, is 100 times better than its predecessor .  It's not fair .

A troll has given birth to a beautiful Prince.

No . . . it's not . . .

no . . .

Oh God . . .

What can I put my faith in anymore . . .

Clearly, I'm losing faith in games. Absolute Objectivity has caught up with me .


Thursday, August 1, 2019

Fake meat

So I've tried every option in the Garden Gourmet line and all of them taste like plant, some sort of bean mashup, not good at all. None of them passes as meat for flavor and if this is the case, what's the point. This food is highly processed. If you're going to eat plants just eat raw plants, why bother with this highly processed, imitating, unsatisfactory, unappetizing bullshit?

No reason at all. I don't know what we're funding with this. I've had plain roasted tofu that tasted more like meat. Just eat a raw tomato. I'm fed up with gazpacho and salmorejo even.

Just a little thing I want to tell you. The pseudo meat movement, like numerous other modern day movements, are total shams.


Wednesday, July 24, 2019

What shit will today bring ?

No one knows ( f o r  n o w )  - See you in a couple of hrs




Monday, July 22, 2019

Infinity is what I'm talking about.


How big of a part of infinity .




S R L .

Limitation.

No.



(economist fixed their bug btw - bummer)

I'm afraid of the ocean

Imagine being stranded in the middle of the ocean.

The ocean is too big. Imagine.

Oh No!

Or be in the woods at night. What is out there? Nobody knows.

Or be at a festival with 0 people you're familiar with.

I'm afraid of entirely too many things.


Sunday, July 21, 2019

I hate this world so much.

I hate what's being offered so much . Unrelatable. Thoughtless. Low Quality. Ugly. Old. No. NO! NO ! 

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Screeching TV Shows

SCREECHING when you discover your power

SCREECHING when you use your power

SCREECHING when you see the monster

SCREECHING when you lost someone

FUCKING SCREECHING TV SHOWS.

I can't watch any of them anymore. My head literally hurts.

Stop fucking screeching.

Women in TV 1/2:


Women in TV 2/2:

I know they're only actors, but fuck it, man. There are only crying women and screeching women. It's disgusting. I can't take it - at all. No more. Not one bit more. My natural response when I see crying and screeching has evolved in a weird way, opposite way. Diary, you know what I mean.

I mean, it's been such a long time and they're still doing this - & getting away with it! Is no one else (at least) as bored as I am? Is no one else annoyed by this? What the fuck. You don't need to cry or screech if you're "empowered", whatever the fuck that means in the industry.

Do people actually enjoy women crying or screeching? Oh wow. I can't imagine that. It's an unbearable thought.

Well Diary, I have not seen a good film in a while. The last one I told you about was filmed in 2000 actually. Let the insane people watch other people screech and derive joy from it. I'm out.


a life well led

I do believe people are (supposed to be) private creatures.

Privacy is key to happiness.

Then again - what do I know about happiness . . . ?


Friday, July 19, 2019

Ringing Migraine

for some reason I get this ringing migraine around 1am. I mean even in bed. My sleep is in 2 stages now. 1st stage, pretty much no sleep. I roll about 1000 times and each position is more painful than the last. I get up to pee. Enter stage 2. I pass out out of exhaustion, have a dream and wake up somewhat rested. Stage 1 is totally wasted.

I don't know why .


Wednesday, July 17, 2019

nightmare... not nightmare

It seems I have the ability to talk to animals in my good dreams.

I have to be willing to walk anywhere.

Are you?

Some people are loud.

Who are they trying to convince ?

Some people are old . . . yet not dead .

The energy that was used to produce hundreds of billions... literally trillions of people, was wasted. The result . . . is this.

Diary, if you could start over with the sole purpose of minimizing the waste, how would you do it?

Will you still pardon these people?

How would you do differently?


Monday, July 15, 2019

Point of Compromise

Diary:

I want you to know- today is the day & now is the time. I have officially crossed the point of compromise. Life will be clearer and less stressful from now. I'm done bending. I want you to know, in case I wonder in the future (I WILL)- now is the time.

Erasing all self doubt is a good feeling .

It may be rare, but if what you want is what you want, you have to get it- n waste no time on anything else.

& that's right, you should only keep things that make me happy. I have confidence to do this now knowing what I subjectively approve is also objectively correct.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Veteran interest vs government interest

Once again I'm a lil surprised they're at odds. You're volunteering in the troops, willing to fight for your country & possibly lose your life over it. But you have no faith in many major government departments? You want to avoid the government? YOU FEAR THE GOVERNMENT? You're afraid of the Treasury?? What the actual fuck.

Military is interesting. I guess I don't know about these people after all.

It's interesting. What does military feel about FBI/CIA/TAX DEPTS - n vice versa!


Friday, July 12, 2019

You know what it means .

It's "proper" summer and you know what it means.

British tourists start trashing this city all over again. If you look randomly anywhere after it gets dark, you'll see British tourists vandalizing here, there & everywhere. I just saw them trying to pull off an ornate doorknob from a historical building and then jump-kicking store windows. WTF. Poor city. I hear they've been at it for decades now.

Barcelona is a beautiful city with fucked up way-too-sunny weather, and I really hope there is a way to keep trash=tier tourists from visiting it. I didn't have this understanding when I first got here, but now I know I truly care for this city. Europeans already know this for way to long but they aren't hurting like me or the locals. I get a lot of what's on people's mind now.


Poor submarine force

No, I don't actually mean that.

One of the hardest works

One of the hardest works around the house. Today I used the solution that contains caustic soda to clear the pipes. This is the second bottle, I wrote about the first one. I actually couldn't get the cap open on this one so I sawed an opening on the side with a pair of scissors. I know.

How do you describe the smell when it reacts with organics in the pipe? Good God. I almost passed out holding my breath. I ended up having to stand right next to the open window and actually sticking my neck out for air.

Not. Good.

This should give me another 6 months of peace. I'll be out by then, hopefully. I don't know.

There is more than one person in the Navy. You have to remember there are literally tens of thousands of US Navy people around the world. I casually interacted with too many of them by sheer chance. It's not a rare thing. The whole idea and prestige of a military force kind of breaks down when you interact with them on a one-on-one basis. I have to say, some of them are really, really goofy.

I don't actually know how well trained or disciplined troops of various countries are today. The more I know, the more I don't know. That's not part of their plan- but it's OK.

I have to stop pulling my hair out.

3rd topic now. Individual Will vs. "Team" Will

Diary, I still am not 100% sure if God judges people individually or collectively. Individuality is a highly amorphic ontological object.

At the same time - God has made it simple for me . I will not have "Team" Will anyway. I will not participate in a team anyway. Even when I lead, I don't feel like I'm part of the team. Is that crazy, or normal actually. OK.


Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Drone shot

Man do you think Google Earth is using some of S' tech? Cause she was doing the exact 3D scanning thing years before it was polished like it is today. It's so good now.

Californian roommates. It's weird what sort of people are attracted to Japan. It's not what Japanese people are told at all.

Well, I've found some new truth and angles in well elaborated conspiracy theories. There is no going back, but like I said, I'm going to focus on my own mission. The world will go its way... under the right guidance.

Now. EUR VS USD. I often contemplated the issue/strength of dollars. One time it just occurred to me- "Forget the dolphins, save the dollars!" - that was a psychotic slogan. No. I'm saying, when will Europe have its own federation. The thing is, it can't be like the EU. The membership has to be total and instant. Not only does it have to define itself geographically and politically - geopolitically, in an unanimous fashion, which has never been done before, Brexit just showed some countries can't cede an inch of their ego because of history.

Without a federation, I don't see how euro can out compete dollar.

People keep talking about crypto. They're doing all sorts of experiments on distribution now, some pretty radical (at first sight), which is absolutely right. Lay off the imaginary world changing ramification for now, put it in a small, observable sandbox and see how it goes. The very initiating/issuing/offering/mining/distributing of coins, the very very first steps, in my opinion is the most problematic. In all honesty & with all the hype, crypto HAS NOT passed the proof of concept stage. It honestly is really NASCENT. & I don't know if you noticed, it has actually been a long period of time since the first crypto. People are not late to catch the train. The train hasn't been through a successful test run. Do you really want to get on? No one is missing out. This proof of concept stage has lasted longer than many real world currencies'.

So I get why people hype it- any coin, really, because the proof of concept stage involves innumerable iterations, and the truly disruptive way is paved with martyrs. Some people scam others and some get scammed, I can sympathize but I want no part of that. There was a gay kid (why, the first thing I ever heard him say was "my boyfriend this and that") trading bitcoin in my... I don't even remember what class it was. Anyway, he was the only one in the class trading bitcoin in 2012. He was also the only one, or one of the few, that used Silk Road. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Oh, it's because I emailed and asked him about Silk Road and he ended up trying to sell me bitcoin. Why Officer, I was just curious. Anyway, every time I see news of the price surge I think back on that. Kid's pretty elusive & I don't know if he's filthy rich now.

But like I said, Diary. We can invent crypto, we can colonize Mars. The fundamental question does not change. Surprisingly, converting whole economies to cryto or living on Mars does not change humanity one iota. "Why are you so obsessed with humanity." Diary, I know. Who knew when the abstract gains real life utility, it becomes less sexy?

I even wonder if heavily genetically edited humans can redefine humanity. I suppose it would. Only when the brain is altered. A bionic arm can still be thought of as an arm, bionic eyes can still be thought of as eyes, because their purpose is defined by their function. What is the purpose of the brain? We don't know. We know some functions of the brain, how it regulates the rest of the body. But we can't define an objective purpose for the rest of the brain power or indeed name its function. There arises a third position beside dualism and monism, where the brain is considered separately but one with the psyche. Therefore, only when the brain is altered can the perception be truly changed. The way we think of things. How a brain functions can't be mimicked. I can't fathom that. Not as if I don't want it, I want it badly.

I have to imagine hard.

Oh btw, because of the damn heat, I have had no dreams at all these days.


Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I'm so . . .


We don't need a lot of this stuff. Fuck it.

Once again, for some things, once I know - I don't care anymore. 

A lot of things. I'm going to get what I want, that's it. I won't participate in the false economy. 

I've always been clear on that . 


Monday, July 8, 2019

What I want it to be .

Diary:

You know, the world is in part what I wanted it to be. When I was little, I wanted so badly for men to wear colorful clothes and skirts & people to have crazy hair colors. It's finally happening. Not exactly the way I envisioned- on the surface level- but the spirit is exactly what I wanted. This part is good.

I'm a lil bit less bored visually .


Not confirmation bias, just confirmation .


I opened Rainy Mood, because it's like, I think if I was trapped in a desert I'd open Rainy Mood.

Then it actually started raining!!! For the first time this whole entire summer!!!!!

I still have to go through the long report. It is... so... long. Author said it's 100,000 words, half a book. But I have to do it. It's disheartening. The well researched content makes me think distrust among countries should be eternal, which directly conflicts with my vision for the future, which I believe is the direction the world is going regardless of any imposing obstacle, a border-less world.

The only thing after this is to figure out in how many ways and which is the best this can be deconstructed. Many people talk about the Collapse. I really want to know how or when. Since there is a pattern, I really should be able to tell. I feel like I've said this exact thing months ago.

I'm not an anarchist at all, Diary.


Sunday, July 7, 2019

Innocence


Diary:

I'm really starting to think innocence is synonymous with ignorance. Is that right? I think the only thing people like about innocence is its simplicity, wait, and also kindness.

It's interesting.

But more than anything, I begin to find all of it so stupid. I'm much better at combating my own stupidity than others', which only results in the same misery I've endured all my life. I appreciate those who have the patience and heart to communicate with ignorant people. They sure helped me on multiple occasions. For some reason, as soon as I learned something I become tired of it and don't want to talk about it forever. I then proceed to assume the world knows about it, too and get disappointed when it's inevitably proved that they don't.

It's pretty wrong. However, I think I know why. I only have time to care for myself. This is a self-evolved protection.

I know why. That's important, and good.

No matter how disappointed I am, one thing is for sure. The world is getting brighter and brighter every day. Information is finally getting out there and spreading everywhere. A silver lining.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Friday, July 5, 2019

Comic con

Diary.

I just want to quickly throw it out there: PAX East 2010/2011 (I don't remember, holy shit I just found out 2010 was the first one, so that's prolly why) wasn't so bad.

Now? Now a comic con seems to be a freak show.

No wait. I just looked in my mailbox, I went in 2013. So the 4th one. OK. Still wasn't too bad. Went to Newbury afterward & got caramel apple at the market. Good Grief. I owned a Boston Red Sox hat. Don't tell anyone.

Anyway, I just want you to know that's the only comic con I've ever been to. Don't think of me as one of those, Diary. I won't let you.

What I just told you a lil earlier tho, I could be one of those and still be absolutely normal compared to the fucked up people I've read about.

Fucked up information


Fucked up information sends me down... or up... or some other direction in a particular spiral.

I want to figure out what will become of the earth in the future. No no, it's not climate change talk, well sort of, but I want to see as far as possible. I want to figure out exactly how many ways the earth can end. I kind of figured that what if dead rocky planets all had life before and they simply did not survive. More than that, I'd like to know if the reason we don't see other intelligent life out there is because they wiped themselves out.

I'd like to pretend as if I have the power to decide: should humanity survive?

But taking a step back, it's also: can humanity prevail?

If humanity can prevail they should certainly survive.

So now it's not a question of "should" but whether we can.

Conscience still plays a part in this.

I simply don't have the energy to explain to people, Diary. I always dreaded this. I can't explain the same thing twice. I can't even bring myself to tell people my name... it's gone to the point where I'd rather make up a casual alias every time- to strangers that I don't plan on associating with, of course.

It's not that I like to lie, I hate lying. It's just I'm at the point where I really cannot tolerate repetition. I'm also at capacity for falsehood.

I just don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't already know about me anymore. No, I can't do it anymore. People have to educate themselves. I've very rarely got into debate, and it's so draining. Feeding information orally is something of antiquity. It's over now.

I know my expectation is off. I know not everyone is an information sponge. But I just can't. There are too many stupid people. It's not possible for anyone to talk sense into them one by one. It's not doable. They themselves must be open to new ideas and contradicting ideas. They themselves must decide to think. Once they decide to think, all the information they need is out there.

I can't do it, Diary.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

July


Every time I thought I found a new threshold for tolerating disappointment, the world manages to break it.

Oh God, Why.

Why, Diary?

There is so little good & too much disappointment. It's all just so... disappointing. It's too disappointing. I live the word. I feel it every minute of every day. Who shares my concern.

I want to accept new things.

There are no new things to accept.

Or.

There are no acceptable new things.

But still. right now it's

There are no new things to accept.

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

I gotta say


Sephiroth, Lightning & Vincent Valentine are the only non-retarded names in the whole Final Fantasy franchise. I can't even look at these names. . .  Oh God. Mad naming technique LOL

How can you deal with all the silly names. The fanbase is truly something. People can be incredibly tolerant. People are NOT perfectionists. Too bad.

The stories are pretty shitty, too. Graphics didn't really pick up until 2001 with FF10. There are actually some 2019 Sonic level characters/creatures, I hope people remember that.

like WTF - awkward - looking ass like this. 

Also for the canny looking ones, nothing inspires cute aggression more than lil characters in FF & other MMOs. Fuck off. I just want to squeeze them and put them under a slow hydraulic press. low-effort fluff balls or cute looking animal-elf-dwarf hybrids have no business in game worlds.

There is a reason FF7 is the most known title. It's got a good story & a bunch of well defined, interesting characters. I personally don't care about any one other than 7 & 13.

The other good thing that comes out of the whole franchise that's actually been pretty consistent is the music.

That's what I get from FF. Not gameplay, rarely story, just some good aesthetics and music. I don't get why games today have to use absolutely plain looking characters, like, just some guy. Some old guy nonetheless. It's almost as if game developers are all experiencing mid-life crisis.


. . .

I don't get why this franchise gets to thrive whereas Heroes must die. It's too unfair. Is it really because RPG (only when having attractive characters) is easier to survive? Is it all boiling down to lookism? It's too sad.

Diary, you wanna bet how long Dark Souls can continue? It's one of the few that stays focused on gameplay itself. Would you give it 10 years?

10 years go by pretty past. 10 years went by pretty fast. Ah, when I was 17 . . .

I'll have even bigger transformation in the next 10 years than previous. It just occurred to me I've lived in 3 different countries for long periods of time in the last 10 years. That's prolly never going to happen again. I'll move twice- country wise- at most, well maybe 3 times (for the rest of my life) - highly unlikely. Bigger transformation, definitely. Imagine, the next 10 years... I'll be 37. Good God. And from 37 to 47, even bigger transformation... and by then I'm about to kill myself. Or I'll die sooner, it can happen.

10 year before 17... it's when I first heard the voice of God in my head. Time flies. I feel like God has been gracious to me.

I'll keep fixing my path and correcting myself, Diary. I'm God's Faithful. I'm the One.

. . .

I also gotta say, it's too bad the internet only has Sakimichan's fan art to get off to. It's nice, she's skilled & prolific & basically doing charity work but it's too vanilla. It's like modern day pinup. There is no passable Sephiroth nude anywhere. If I deploy a realistic one right now do you think it'll break the internet. Surprisingly, no one I want to fuck in the whole entire franchise. I've gone over this, Diary. Sephiroth is like an Akechi Mitsuhide type of character, not at all fuckable. I would like to show you what I can do tho. I'd hate for you think that little Joseph Seed sketch is all I can do.

One last bit- all these people have to be "anything goes". If they're attracted to both sides then there is no real dedication, hence only vanilla work. I don't envy people who are attracted to real people though. How nasty. People are gross!