Friday, November 30, 2018

I don't need opinions .

Last Day of November. First thing I want to say is, I don't need to observe opinions anymore. I have the confidence to make up and follow my own rules now .   God comes First, of course .  But when it's me versus other people . .

Did you realize that superstitions are also a placeholder for when there is no overarching opinion or guidance of governance ? 

The rules I'm setting up - they're not just principles. Principles are personal, they're my personality, essentially. But rules I follow- I make them, but I'm also bound by them, because I'm going to make them as close to Truth as possible. That's the only measurement.

I'm not saying that people don't pay attention to facts. Even the rotten media today is starting to pay more and more attention to facts, but everyone is still working an angle. I have no angle. I strive to see the world as God might view it. I will never achieve that level of . . .   but I'm going to push it as far as a human being can go . This is for me, for God, and for all people .

Thursday, November 29, 2018

nightmare last night

I wasted a bunch of time trying to help these miserable uncultured fucks and once they realized my help was free they started lagging and eating their god awful food and making me wait on them. My patience was wearing thin but for some reason I thought I'd see it through, that is until of course, they discovered my identity by going through my bag ( I didn't even know I had a bag ) . Now, I do believe every dream has a lesson & the lesson in this one is apparent enough.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018


This is illegal . 

I will throw up

Diary -

remember that when I don't talk to you, it's never because of good things. I feel so sick right now - from eating ice cream while watching Venom. It's so sickening. Everyone who likes Marvel has to be a retarded piece of shit, there is no way around it. I really want to throw up.

There are no things to look up to. I'd love to look up to someone - who is a living human being, or a work that's come out in our time. I can't look up to incremental improvement. I want to look up... look at a supernova. We don't have that anymore.

Ew no wait! I wasn't implying that I thought that film could be... ew ew ew!! No! NO !  Don't misunderstand me, please! No. I would like to see where some industry stand today and that's why I went and watched it. It's so gross and sickening. It's unbearable.

Some people say Elon Musk. Kids adore him because there is the cool factor, but it just turns my stomach ( the cool factor ). The other day I saw him saying in an interview that he doesn't want a future where we don't live on Mars and I liked that. I mean I still oppose the idea and remember what I said about human civilization on another planet, but at least he's not being boring.

There are distinctions about boring, Diary. Ha, we're not talking about that company, we're done talking about Elon Musk now. I mean, the reason so many people watched & liked this film is because of, I'm guessing, boredom. But it's very different kind of boredom. The total disgust I'm feeling right now is not a renewed boredom but a truly fundamental, existential loathing of absolute inferior things being produced let alone celebrated .

On the other hand at the same time, I feel like more and more people are syncing up .  There are indeed less and less dumb people in the world. People are beginning to think about similar things. I wouldn't call it a hive mind just yet. But tell me, could I survive in a hive mind? I don't think so. It never brings me comfort. To see others ponder what I'd been pondering up until that point was unnerving. This connectedness is unnerving. To think others can do what I can do is unnerving .  I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. I have to literally rise above the ocean of people to not drown. Is it comfortable down there? I don't know. I don't want to know.

Every day I'm tormented by this dread and a million other things .  I want our distance to be greater. I want the safety - the true comfort, to me - that they'll never touch me .  And I know I'll get that as long as I follow my own .

This familiarity can be too much. My whole life I've been searching for strangeness - new things in new environment that I can study and adapt to, and leave once it becomes too familiar. It sounds ridiculous but I'm running out of places to go. On this planet earth. You know what I mean. A town isn't different than the other town. You don't even need to go to the town to get to know the town. I wouldn't say every piece of information is readily available, but . . .  I don't want to look back .  I don't want to sit down and work on it. I still think there are places I should go. I still want to run. I still want to chase, but I don't have things I feel like I should chase after.

The good things are behind us. And before you say a word, I know, and you know, and God knows, that's not what I mean. What is lost is not necessarily dead .  But it feels like a resurrection is next to impossible .  What machines will we become ?

I'm desperate. I'm lost. I'll admit it. I'm so lost. The way is before me, I know where it leads, but I'm hoping for an alternative in my heart. The End is one way or the other, but I'm hoping for a third option . The best option that is not seen .

How do people survive all the lies and false promises if not by being ignorant ? This understanding is not sympathy; this consideration is not forgiveness.

I tidied up the kitchen a bit and now I feel a bit better. Venom did make me physically sick tho. Never forget that.

& Brexit isn't this big stupid thing. If there is one thing the English ( not necessarily all British )  is good at it's long term planning. Leveraging the rest of the world against the EU is very smart, especially after witnessing the rise of China and such .

I am still . . . The End Game got a lot bigger - now I know . I still . . .

Diary .  I  -

Tuesday, November 27, 2018



 rene magritte

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Sad as fuck

The Whole thing is sad as fuck .

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Sunday, November 18, 2018

OFC it's Sargent

I didn't recognize it right away .

Thursday, November 15, 2018

I'm being Tested .

Oddly, I believe this will help my find my old self .  I have to .

Lord Gaveth Rain


The Merciful Lord hath given me rain .  It's been . . . I don't know how long . But thank you .  Thank you . 

I was green with jealousy when I saw that in certain places it'll be snowing soon . But this quenches my thirst .

Thank you 

Wednesday, November 14, 2018


I've signed my own FTA ( Fair Trade Agreement ) with myself yesterday . I thought you should know .  FTA violations will incur fine and punishment , of course  .

Only when you grasp the hourglass at hand do you realize how fast Time elapses . 

( Every time I see Miguel Vergara, I see Miguel Viagra .  I don't know why . I know it's not funny . )

Monday, November 12, 2018

bitter, sweet & insipid

The aggravation is getting to me again .  It's like mosquito bites, or cockroaches - by the way, there has only ever been 2 cockroaches spotted here in 2 years and I'm pretty sure it's because I left the window open, and the other night it was a huge moth which hid itself in one of the wet towels and it was very gross and all, but in the end I got rid of it, so let's speak of it no more - it's like those things. I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to. These . . . absolutely incompetent dimwit retards holding all these jobs. I couldn't care less if they just go home and collect welfare. I maintain my position. Get these people welfare and ban them from entering the workforce. I'm willing to pay 10% more on tax if it means I don't have to deal with these imbeciles again .

Stan Lee poisoned people. He led at least a whole generation of people to stray further away from true beauty, imagination, art and truth. He has left this world a worse place. I am able to separate the two, but it doesn't matter what good things he'd done otherwise, he has created comics that are truly awful, lazy, uninspiring, downright fugly & not to mention not innovative. Yet they've been hailed as the opposite all these years. You don't know how much time I spent hating or how many times I cursed when I saw the brainless fans cheered the absolutely inferior, lame, boring work of his. I hate the superhero archetypes more than anything. It absolutely disgusts me and turns my stomach. I'm in Europe now so it's better. It's a unfathomable nightmare in the US .

I'm so glad he is dead . His death is exceptionally meaningful to me .  It is as meaningful as a cult leader with any poisonous ideology who has a wide reach dying. 

This is the only thing that's making up for the aggravation I've had today .

No I'm fine. I'm OK.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

I'm not a d e t e c t i v e -

I know, and I don't take detective stories seriously - you can't take those seriously - but I wish I was more intuitive .

I wish I can tell what people do just by picking up little clues around them. And I wish I can figure out everything around me. I mean, the shop situation. What does it mean? I've been paying more attention since I had my suspicion, and I found out it had all sorts of people coming and going throughout the day and even at night. Some are just guys in street-wear, some are blue-collar types in work outfits and some are rather well dressed. Some of them don't look local. Why would they go to this sketchy place? What do they have in common ?  I began to suspect it's a drug dealing site. People go in and come out without any noticeable change about them. Recreational drugs ?

But then one night several guys pulled up a van that blocked the way and they started all sorts of work on the lock. I'm talking about drilling and all sorts of work that make sparks fly and require a mask. Then police came to check up on them. A dog walker reported it, I guess. The police went into the shop for a while and came out. No one got arrested and the guys kept working this whole time. And the next day a construction company came and sealed up the entrance with cement ? ? ?


The shop is no more. Where the door used to be, there is a concrete WALL now. What, the, fuck ?  I fee l like I've seen too much- no I've seen ENOUGH, definitely, to know what's going on, and I feel SO STUPID that I don't.

Now, I don't think Barcelona has the most wonderful, smart city planning like many suggest, the inner courtyard thing is fucked up in my opinion. But for whatever it's worth, I'm pretty sure the space is accessible from within the block. So maybe someone bought the space and just wants to close it to the public, and now they use it for storage or something and they have a private entrance from the courtyard. Yet also - could it be a police order? Like if they found something fucked up inside ?  I saw the uniform of people who built the wall and it belonged to a legitimate construction company. So. I don't know. Maybe it's normal - for people who own the space but do not want to open up shop. It's just weird to me that they first painted the shop window black, then locked and sealed it, and now built a wall outside of the roller shutter to completely conceal it.

I honestly feel so dumb right now. Why ?  Why ?  W H Y  ? 

I can't I -

Friday, November 9, 2018

It's Lisianthus , Baby .

I literally only had 2 hours of sleep last night .  But I made it in time, and the once-a-decade thing is taken care of now .

​I finally found a flower that's the right length for the vase .  It's Lisianthus, baby .  I've always wanted it , especially the purple one, since I first laid my eyes on it .

About the previous one though, the iris ,  I was so sure it was going to last 10 days . .  in the end, it smelled like ripe plum and . . 6 .  I can't break a week, can I ?

Let me see how many miles I've walked today . . 3.1 - I was nearly crippled by the end of it . It's definitely the shoes. Since I no longer wear sneakers or running shoes, I feel as though my option is slim .

As I was looking up this " how much people walk on average everyday " thing, I noticed something ridiculous. Someone had the gall to suggest one ought to walk 10,000 steps a day. What is that ?  That's like from Barceloneta to Horta. Who does that ? No one, I tell you, no one at all. OK, halve that to account for to and from, that's Barceloneta to Diagonal - still ridiculous .   I mean, this is in Europe where a lot of cities are very walkable and nice - whereas in the US, where people rely on cars, I mean, who walks so much in a day? Do they just circle their neighborhood w/ narrow streets sparsely dotted with uninteresting shops if they don't want to hit the gym?  Now, I don't mean to sound sarcastic. I'm actually curious, because as you can tell, I am on the weak side.

OK. I have to go to bed. Having the MSGM coat is like having a dog or a cat - the hair, oh .  It's fine .   No worries .

FYI btw, the Arab shop owner has finally warmed up to me and decided to be friendly. He did not overcharge me this time. Heck, if I didn't think it was a fair price or if their goods aren't so darn good  .  . 

Wednesday, November 7, 2018


I wasn't going to write an entry today but I noticed certain journalist has come under heat recently.  I don't remember the show's name, that's the thing. It's the very first show I've ever been on - I was at least 10 . But I don't remember it . Everything about that show except my segment seems so fuzzy .  I guess that also proves what the journalist said to me . .  h'well, about me, at the time, didn't bother me at all.

It was ancient, trivial, and it doesn't matter what the name of the show was. All that matters is I agree with the criticism I saw today and I'm glad people are talking about it.

I knew who I was; I am consistent.  I do remember it shocked me though. It's like a black person being told "you're too white", or a smart person being told "you're simply retarded". It contradicted with what I'd been hearing all my life and that's why it was so confusing. I questioned a lot of things, like what if that's the society's standard- what if that's what adults- people who truly matter- think of me? Now, even today, I don't think it's vain to worry about your looks because it's an important part of life. But I do think that having more important things prevented me from letting negative opinions get to me. She might have been honest, but she sure is a harsh person . That is, if only she was the host of that show I've been on.

Anyways. It might seem weak, but I do have to mentally go back to people who were attracted me from time to time. Being acknowledged on a superficial level provides a quick sense of security. To me it speaks nothing about self-worth, but it's as basic and important as health. I guess everybody is more or less addicted to it, hence mannerism. And since I've chosen this lifestyle, I have only less and less need for it .

That's it then. It baffles me why that woman remains a forefront journalist. Yeah she's got some impressive credentials, but how does she work in the "people business" with that attitude ?

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

non-linear trees

Stack Overflow is actually under-funded .  IMO . Doesn't mean it's functioning under capacity, oh . . actually that's exactly what I mean .

Anyway .

Diary, do you think the concept of " Principles " was solidified during the industrial revolution ? We had lots of morals before, and faith, but never so much confidence in such a rigid yet ever-changing system .  It's the industrial revolution, right ?  And so, in the next Stage of " Make - Belief ", what do you think ?

Will this hinder imagination ?

Some Conviction is always - Always  Necessary .

Monday, November 5, 2018

I'm not a gamer anymore .

By the way, I just want to say, I now realize I'm not a gamer anymore .  I haven't played a game of any kind in at least 2 months .  I mean, I came across this chess video today that's supposed to be interesting and the only thing I could think of was how flat the rules are, how monotonic the game actually is . That's for chess . I mean I never watch chess videos anyway but I typically didn't think of it this way .  The game cutscene movies have been disappointing as well, so .  I guess I have finished the transition .  I suppose no game will " pull me back ", unless Ubisoft unfucks Heroes 8 somehow - which is highly unlikely - or there is some other game that allows me to play as Inferno / necropolis and not just in a "you have all these units" way or only from the gameplay standpoint .

Games . . . fall short ,  generally  .

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Diary .

Diary . It says it's going to rain tomorrow, so that's good .  I had a semi-good dream last night, I don't remember what it was .

​For every ounce of joy there is a ton of pain, strife and despair .

I see it .  I understand the struggle . 

Friday, November 2, 2018

I am annoyed w/ a number of things .

First of all, a giant black bug / moth scared me last night. I was going to catch up on some reading in bed and it fucking flew toward the light into the wall, and I haven't seen it since. Anything is better than a cockroach, please.

What's worse than a possible cockroach is I finally sorted the LinkedIn situation. I re-registered the domain, configured the mailbox to get back to my account - only since their big update they don't ask for the re-verification no more, but what annoys me is after at least a year of hiatus, there is so little activity on there.

It's not like this hasn't occurred to me .  I'm just annoyed . I don't need the platform but it just annoys me a whole bunch .   I really began questioning some of my early choices. There is no going back so I really shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't help but wonder if I had picked the wrong school . The one way to reduce my annoyance and disappointment is to look forward, I know that.

The realization is I went to school with actual nerds.

To be clear, nerds are not problem solvers. From generals to plumbers, people of all walks of life can be problem-solvers. Nerds are, and the reason that they're hated, is that they're actually short sighted and narrow minded. When a smart person is like that, it's annoying to no end. For example, Sherlock Holmes isn't a nerd, but Sherlock Holmes fans are nerds. They'd waste time remembering and picking faults with minuscule fictitious details. Nerds cannot actually innovate anything and they have no ambition. I went to school with them. How sad.

But I looked at alumni from other schools and it looks like similar stories across the board. As of early 2010s, I'd say it's still a safe bet to go to an actual school, but now, unless you already know who you're going to fraternize with ( which is kind of boring ) , going to college is actually dumb. The value of a college, so singular and contained, cannot rival the ocean of information and infrastructure floating out there. Of course, as an authoritative institution it still has its footing in academia, but I don't see any college being able to adapt to the new order of things.

I am so sad Aaron Swartz died .  It's strange how I randomly think of his death and by connection Kim Dotcom etc.

The people who dress up as saints are no longer saints.

What a mess . That's it for now .

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Nov 1


Just because I haven't talked to you in the past two days doesn't mean I haven't had nightmares. I've had two back to back, each of them was ridiculous in its own way and I expect nothing less tonight.

There is also this other fictitious scenario stuck in my head and I don't know why. It's me having a conversation with a girl and I was saying how mango is my favorite fruit ( it is ) and I'd love to reincarnate as a mango, and Erlich Bachman (yeah, from the show) overheard it, and he outed me in front of a lot of people ending with " . . . and why you want to reincarnate . . as a mango . "

I don't like these weird scenarios stuck in my head. I'm even starting to question if I should remember my dreams. Yeah I forget about them pretty quickly but I wonder if I should be paying attention to them in the first place. I thought it'd be fun to tell you but - we'll see . 

Also .  Am I paranoid, Diary, or is there some suspicious character living on this street? I discovered today that one shop had its windows painted black - not treatment, I'm talking about hand-painted with black ink. A sloppy job, too, and everything about it was shady as fuck. I've always thought this would be the perfect spot for some dirty deals to go down - despite it being in the center of the city .

How are the Mossos doing, by the way ?  This is supposed to be the All Saints' Day and I don't . . I like this holiday though. I like all holidays dedicated to Saints.