Friday, August 31, 2018


It really poured early this morning -  I mean, someone really turned on the faucet. Sadly it only lasted 1-2 hours. I am almost attempted to say it's amazing it lasted that long at this point. Still, it's disappointing.

The UPS guy shows up at my doorstep pretty much every 10 days, so we have to talk about it- why is he getting weirder and weirder every time? For the first 20 times all up until today... or last time, he was acting completely like a robot. The same facial expression every time, it's unhuman. Like he needs to get away or something. Today I got something heavy so I asked him to put the package down in the foyer, and he threw it . . . ?  No the package had multiple stickers that said "muy fragil" . . ? I mean, you've come all the way to the door, why would you throw a package that's clearly marked "muy fragil" at the last moment ? I spent 10 minutes afterward and 10 minutes before writing this trying to figure out what could he possibly have against me, and I can't figured out anything. Our interaction was minimal. I only ever said "hi" and signed and he only showed the same robotic smile and said the same three lines. Yet I really get the vibe that he wanted to get out of here ASAP every time. This has never happened before.

You know since my TWO unfortunate incidents with LSA, I do not purchase any crystalware or glassware or even ceramics on the internet anymore. That was Le Creuset I ordered today so I knew it should be fine, but I hate the idea of . .  the SIGHT of some delivery man THROWING my package right in front of me. What the fuck ?  Oh it wasn't like throwing at me by the way and he didn't drop it from some height. It's just he could've easily set it down but decided to let go at the last two seconds, yeah purposefully. So like 20 cm from the floor.  And today as soon as I signed he just ripped the device from my hands like stealing it back, it was lightning speed. He wasn't in a hurry or anything, he just really wanted to go. I don't get it. I don't want my designer clothes get tossed on the floor next week. If he do that, I'm going to break the pattern and talk to him.

Some people are just weird, man. I finally visited CCCB today in the afternoon, and the ticket person greeted me with "good morning". No no no. Oh God. No. I am not comparing them both! God no. It's not even . . . no. We all have blunders sometimes, even though it took some explaining to let the ticket boy realize it was not morning atm. No. The UPS guy was much more troubling. There is no way to avoid it because I have found out that they must have a small branch in Barcelona, seeing it was the same guy that handled domestic freight from Madrid and foreign like France and Italy.

I steeped in some dark thoughts after that. I say dark, but to me it's normal. I wonder what type of job is dignifying for a middle-aged man. I've seen this more than once now, the first time it registered was prolly during Louis Ck's show where he pointed out that nobody cares about 40-yo or something. It sounds depressing. I mean yeah I can sympathize- as much as I sympathize with a gnat. It's got to be hard to work a shit job in your 40s to support yourself and your family, and you're bald. I don't know. What should we do with people like these? Should they be put on welfare? I mean suppose they make 20% less but they got 100% of their free time back. But I learned people don't know what to do with their free time, that's why they resort to watch genre specific tv production. I'm not joking, prolly soon in the future you WILL be able to find the character whose background is just like you - or close enough - on a TV show. Yet I guarantee nobody will identify with sheer appearance. This crisis is what fueled the identity politics.

Anyway. I went to see Black Light, and it's OK. There must have been hundreds of works in there, so props to them for putting it together. The problem with modern art is, I find, it's critical, relatable and abstract yet too lacking to be profound. Is it wrong to seek substance in the abstract? But it's good to see the general dark mood. And who do I find in this exhibit? Aleister Crowley  ,  of all people. You remember how I read "Moonchild", right? I didn't know he painted. They were eccentric, but not enduring just like his books. They have some old prints on display, too. Equinox of the Gods, Goetia, that sort of thing. He was pretty prolific, I mean, given the idea of mysticism. On the open pages it reads - "Philosophy, Life and religion have failed." "We must use Science to explain Mysticism and Mysticism to explain Science." You know it's just ticks, right?

I mean, it's like Hitler back in the days. You remember my notes on Mein Kampf, right? How could people fall for someone who preached mythology in that age? How could modern soldiers think they were using modern weapons to gun down cyclops, even as a metaphor? The stuff he wrote was public knowledge. I don't . . .

I mean, it's been proved again as Donald Trump was elected. I will never debate how the nation, or the world would fare differently had Clinton won, because that parallel universe is not observable from our vantage point if it exists at all, which it don't. But the art of persuasion- with the masses- well, the gullible- remains unchanged.

Speaking of Occultist & speaking of LaVeyanism, something I learned from Silicon Valley. It just occurred to me Gilfoyle is not a likable guy. No, he is actually despicable. People always roast Dinesh, but he's so normal and sane compared to Gilfoyle. It's the little hints they drop here and there next to not-so-subtle ones, like McCain & Palin. One of them is dead now.

At the end there was a little film. A man shaving his head. Then square light patches moving on a canvas. I wouldn't say it's inspiring, this exhibition.

I still can't take alcohol.  I still can only drink red wine with coke or juice, about 1 : 5 . No wait, more like 1 : 4  - 40 : 160. Not too bad, but I can't stay up now.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

It didn't lie today .

It said it's going to rain today and it is. Thank you.

And now, it's time to savor the subtle flavors of Nocturne 2 & Clair De Lune . Just because they're called that, I can't listen to them in the day .

You know what else about music. Before it's all based on context, like I explained so many times to you, I rely on context to appreciate music, but now it's the opposite. The presence of pretext ruins anything and everything for me. I cannot listen to a piece with "fresh ears" so to speak, if I have listened to it before in a movie or something, the associations- the mood, plot etc, the context, will be forever stuck with it. It's peculiar, isn't it ? I know how to appreciate music on its own now, I see its value... and it's just, there are two kinds of music.

Well, there isn't too much cross-over anyway. I think it's really hard to use Classical music in films well, especially today. And filmmakers know that, so, it's all good.

Diary... you know what they started though? They put up these scaffolds around the building across the street, and the construction has no end in sight. Industrial equipment really makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel alive anymore. This is the polar opposite of a well maintained garden. The sound of metal and drills is killing me... I must endure.

​Oh, I now know how to cook liver... at least veal liver, and some fish (cod & halibut) like a Michelin star chef, by the way. Of course it's got extra steps that wouldn't occur to normal people, but it's not that hard once you grasp the gist of it. But tell me, when anyone holds a bloody, raw veal liver, do they not feel like a killer? The first thought that entered my head was "I can easily move on to people from this". Is this how cannibalism started... for some people? Maybe it's me. It's the first time in 26 years of my life that I held a bloody thing like that in the kitchen. I added "in the kitchen" because you know the period... but that's on a pad, damn it. This is a piece of flesh I'm preparing to eat.

Anyway. It's going to be some time before I can dissect a whole fish. I want to. No fish can get as bloody as veal, but it's the smell that lingers. I learned that from cleaning the squid the other day.

I want to face some facts, Diary.

Monday, August 27, 2018


I don't know why, I really can't stand people being loud. Or celebrating.

Saturday, August 25, 2018


Ticket... no - livestream has been bought and paid for. Of course. Initially I thought it's about people - who you choose to support, because I'm not too fond of any of the fighters. But no, this is about observing the historical turn of events. I don't think I learned anything from the way they market this thing, by the way.

But whatever. I'll get some KFC if I will wake up early enough.

And I started watching Cells at Work! - and let me tell you it's an excellent anime. The best since JoJo. Jotaro is in there too... sort of. Anyway! Whenever my skin broke and I knew my platelets were fixing it, I just knew they were little kids. I always treated them like little kids, even when I was little. Like when I was 6 or 7. To this day I would pet my wound after I sucked it until it's pale and licked it, as if I was petting little kids working together to mend the wound. I would say quietly "Shhh... shhh... it's Okay.." to myself... to my inner self, I mean. We all have to protect that inner self that's forever going to be a kid.

You know h'what, I don't believe the whole Id, ego and super-ego thing, I think it's about to be debunked. The whole thing- everything is getting modernized. Anyway. I think there is an inner child, an inner teen and an outer adult. A senior should not appear anywhere. If you're old and you look old, you're a loser. But anyway. I think we must first make safe of the inner child so we have a sense of security. Then we try to satisfy the inner teen so we tend to all sorts of desires and impulses. Then finally we tend the outer adult. We- I appear to be an adult now. If you're kid you'll appear a kid. You might not have the inner teen yet. But I'm saying since now I'm an adult I have all of these things. And adult needs come last like the super-ego things. Adult needs pure intellectual stimulation, gets some sense of pleasure from discipline and responsibility, needs accomplishments etc. You know? Makes sense, right?

Never gave much thought about T cells and white blood cells before, though I was pleased to learn I had higher than usual level of white blood cells. I love my body, Diary. I always feel like it's made up of these little things. I never feel whole. I can always feel that everybody is working together to make me not die, just like how it's portrayed in this anime. That's why I love it so much. I can sense that people don't humanize their body parts. Like, they think, "it's parts!" but no. Well, that's it then.

I'd say at the moment my inner kid is fine. My inner teen, however, is pretty riled up and is preventing my outer adult to do its job .

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Sweaty Silk Night

I just want to say Leifheit products are of shoddy quality. It's garbage grade stuff. Fuck. It just collapsed and I spent an hour reassembling and cleaning and re-laundering my clothes.

They sent someone to clean up the shit by the way. & they literally Fabreezed the shit out of this place lol. I'd like to think that it's due to the email I wrote. I can't believe they just left it there for at least 2 days. I mean the smell told me... I will never take the stairs again.

I'm sweaty as fuck. I'm going to take a shower.

Should I pay to watch the KSI-Logan fite ? It's going to be free but it's part of internet history. I'm actually glad it's transitioning from Hollywood celebrities to internet personalities. It's more real because there is less middle-man-meddling, and it's more relatable. It's cool. Cool stuff. I'm honestly tired of Hollywood anyway.

​But like, just think what would be next, you know? When people are tired of internet personalities? What's the next step? LOL - people are fun.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

I can't believe I missed Hiroshi Ishiguro

I can't believe I missed Hiroshi Ishiguro when I was exchanging at Osaka University. The engineering building was right next to... God damn it. I tried to contact a game artist who did most visuals for one of my favorite childhood games, 90s games you know, and I wasn't even thinking. I could've talked to so many profs and instead I went traveling and seeking "new experiences". All because I was 20.

I actually spent quite a big chunk of my waking life following trend. It's a kind of... it's like being aware it's a trend, knowing you won't get attached to the trend, but compelling yourself to follow the trend to get the gist of it, so you can understand humanity. It is still one of my main methods to understand humanity even today. But I overlooked the more important, better way to do it. I am filled with regret.

I don't know. Meeting people you look up to don't always turn out so well. That game artist is doing hentai now. That composer I went to the concert in Poland for, it turns out he didn't even play the games he composed for. And Ramin Djawadi was... you member it. Maybe if... had I met the prof I'd discover a chasm of ideological difference between us that I can't reconcile with. It happens more often than you think.

People think "smart" people who have strong opinions will get along great and be friends, but they often end up going their own separate ways or becoming rivalries. Not the case at all here but you know what I mean. I think the urge to communicate with someone about groundbreaking ideas and practices is great. I just have to keep in mind that it's not a way to bring about happiness. I'm not even sure if I need those points of clarity.

I don't know. Let me look at the lab page. I think I saw a name I used to know. Maybe I know some of the team members. I don't... not now. Anyway.

I have to tell myself to hold the action. I used to be the sort of person who took action immediately, like those inane women you hear about who took off to a "romantic weekend in Paris" just because they felt like it. I'm sorry, I don't know why I look down on women like that so much. It's not wrong to seek superficial happiness and romance, it's just retarded. Sorry, here it is again...

Anyway. Pop culture led me to believe many times that there is no such thing as depth, that we can all get along great because of the things we have in common. I have a great number of things that I share with those women. But what I care about is our differences. That's just me. I care a lot about differences, conflicts and hatred. I care less about peace, love and comfort- which matter to those people more than anything in the world.

I read a poem in YouTube comment section the other day (LOL I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW) , I can't reproduce most of it because besides the two lines I remember the rest is shit, but listen:

My desires are vile
Death is my scenery

I was like "heyy"

Gotta take a shower now .

The weahter report shows summer is on the decline and tomorrow might be the last hot day. It'll definitely be over by this weekend, the > 30°C days. Good riddance .

I also have other problems to deal with .

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Someone took a shit on the stairs

I went to take out the trash and I smelled this strange stench in the stairwell. I look and behold for a split second, there is a big pile of shit in the corner with some toilet paper on top. It's hot summer, remember, so the smell permeated the whole space. I think that's a sign, I should draw the line now. At some point you realize it's no longer a trade-off of any kind.

I will never, ever own an apartment. Not here for sure, but not in NYC, not in Paris and not in London either. I'm less inclined to believe one of the tenants in the building did it, but neighbors are just the worst thing. It's not enough that you can hear their angry phone calls, fart, singing and panting sex, this is unacceptable. Could it have been that a homeless man followed someone in and took a shit there? Or could it have been an animal? We don't know. I don't want to know. I just know I'm done.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm done.

City Life

Now that I think about it, it's important that I talk to you about this.

Being here, having lived in Barcelona for nearly 2 years has taught me a lot about life. I've come to understand the Catalans and their struggles that I had written off in the beginning. But for me, and pretty much everyone, we're still judging most things from the outside. That is why it's so important to listen and observe.

But life isn't all about listen and observe. We must all do something, push for something, with limited perspective, flawed vision and biased view. Having wisdom and some level of impartiality is not enough. Even though I am infinitely more intimate with the city than any tourist, I am still transient. Like I said, this isn't my End Game. I was never going to make my mark in here, respond to anything or... you know what I mean. The purpose of me moving here is to experience the city life. I need to extrapolate from my finite experience the possibility of settling in the city forever.

I told you London was a dream, right?

Now I know city is a lie. People being driven to live in the city... it's a fact, but also a sad reality in my opinion. If you're fleeing some poor rural countryside, I can understand that, but not all migration is all good. If it were up to me, I'd make the countryside better, more livable, instead. Because there is actually less and less need to congregate, in my opinion. Like I said, most "spaces" are effectively nonexistent to me. The numerous buildings... you will never go in and explore, you will never know what goes on in there. They're there, but they're not there. The road isn't yours. The street isn't yours. They're functional, for cars and other pedestrians. I'd rather "come into town" once a month for some stunning concert, because all those who come to live in the city with such a dream never end up having so much leisure. The "like-minded people" that they seek are equally stressed, and they stress together, conform together, and get assimilated into this sad, meaningless city life. I don't see any reason why city life would be attractive to me. The closer I am to the convenience and amenities, the more I realize how much I want to do things by hand. I want to cook, I want to make my own desk, I want to craft all sorts of things and sew, instead of just purchasing other people's labor. And I've come to realize a big part of this is due to my arrogance.

I don't expect others to feel the same way. I like to cook because food cooked by others is rarely suited to my own taste. I want to make my own desk because basically all furniture in store is not my style. I even want to make my own cotton napkin just to get it right. I must have custom made everything because I have better taste- or a taste that better suits me, of course. I can't hire a cleaning lady because I worry she'll knock over my vase or miss a spot. I am such a control freak. I know it's a dangerous trade off with time, but what can I do? I am a perfectionist... no, not really, just exceptionally stubborn at certain things. I cannot trust any of these people to get it right. That is why the services of a city is useless to me. Let me do my own things.

This distrust I find with most things and people in the world troubles me sometimes. That leads to paranoia. I know I had quite bit of paranoia to begin with, I was made aware of this after that year. But this. This is about principles. That is why I cannot change, at all. I cannot live this uniform life that I'm not even happy with.

Think of an apartment. It's just a box. A building as such is just a bunch of life boxes stacked on top of each other. How is that attractive? It is even a disgrace. Every time I think of the elites of NYC, how they spend millions, or thousands each month on a high rise apartment in Midtown, I just mourn. Is that actually a symbol of success? In terms of money you spent, and the sheer relativity of your cost of living to others, yes. But what kind of life is that? How removed are you from humanity- despite living among millions of humans and how detached are you from nature? I never went out camping and I thought a clean freak like me probably belongs to the city. But you know what? No. There is something between a camper and a city dweller. I want to hear the crickets chirping in my garden every night and birds singing every morning. I don't want to devolve into the sort of "working professional" that has to resort to listening to white noise when they go to sleep. I don't want synthetic nature sounds. Even vinyls are for people who can't afford to listen to live performance. And in regards of nature, I shouldn't have to choose.

I want to see trees outside of my windows. I want to watch their leaves change color. I want to go out and mow the lawn and smell the season as it comes along.

I washed some cherries & lost train of thought.

I know most people are driven to live in the city by necessity and I'm in a unique position to choose, but I feel like that necessity will change in the upcoming years. I hope more and more people will live in the countries. In the meantime, who invented the suburban life? It's hell. It's worse than cities. It's the worst of both worlds. Your yard is little and your fence and hedges provide no privacy. Every house looks the same. People have no character.

No, Diary. I will have at least 1 acre of land. My house will not face the road. I mean, whose bright idea was it? If you have a car wouldn't you bother to- hell, wouldn't you enjoy to drive out a little road and a formal gate? Who would want to face the traffic? How absurd.

I've also come to realize that not all landscapes are beautiful. I still think they're more beautiful than cityscape tho.

It was not supposed to end like this. I'm actually more aware of the human condition. Let's continue this some other time.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Weird, unsustainable logistic practices of El Corte Ingles

I must have placed over 100 orders on El Corte Ingles website (despite living 2 minutes away from the biggest one at PLC) and I have some say in this. They have the weirdest and most unsustainable logistic practices I have ever seen. The products are warehoused by different categories but they do not care to optimize the workflow at all. Each and every time they divide one purchase into several shipments that are not economical or efficient at all. There is no option for you to choose to "Group my shipments together" like Amazon. And even within the same category they might still divide it up not upon availability but some sort of error, it has to be. They would ship something that costs 1.99 alone and some others in the same category the next day. Well fuck ship them altogether will you? Nobody needs to receive a hairpin all by itself. It's absurd. And guess what, the small shipments often get LOST in the process. The transport agency, MRW in particular which is what they like to use for small packages- is notorious for this. MRW has got to be the worst transport agency I have ever seen. That combined with the malpractices in the ECI warehouse, you can expect to receive a simple order of let's say €100 consisting of 10 items in 6 packages arriving sporadically in the span of two months. What the actual fuck. What kind of practice is this.

Now that I've typed it out I see how asinine it is that I placed over 100 orders anyway, having suffered this the first time around. It's almost like I'm autistic, but I assure you I am not. Like I said, I simply don't like going out to shop. I don't have the patience or interest browsing different departments on six fucking floors and carrying tons of miscellaneous items while, you know, paying attention to the shuffling masses. In the end I think online shopping saves time. Oh yeah, I only shop at night anyway. It's an afterthought. I would never spend the golden hours between 6am - 10pm in a mall, are you fucking kidding?

But yeah, the logistic practices of El Corte Ingles are totally weird and unsustainable. I would say Amazon is on the other end of the spectrum. I have not bought anything on Amazon in a while, it's almost like you knew their workers were being abused. I mean, I had the gut feeling before any of the story broke out. When I looked at the shipping options I was just like "why are you in such a hurry to get this stuff to me? 1 day? I don't need it in 1 day, like 24 hours, damn it. Who are you abusing to get this done so fast?" Because we all know back in the day the answer wouldn't be technology. Even now. But maybe the future will be different. If it's actually all drones and robots I'll be happy, and I'll be demanding. But for now I just want something between the slow ass stupid ass El Corte Ingles and the abusive aggressive Amazon. Something sensible. Is that so hard? Why is that so hard?

You might think it's trifling matter - it is, but I bet it's also a multi billion dollar problem, literally, and if no one talks about it no one will know. When I think of the city I think of all the spaces that go wasted - to me - places that I won't go. You can't go into any of the dwellings, so those structures are only good to look at from the outside. On top of that, I wouldn't go into any restaurant without good company and I won't go into any of the stores because I do all my shopping online, that rules out over 90% of public space for me. The rest is sidewalk. I mean, think about it. Where can I go? What has our society devolved into? I mean, I have to live it to find out, you know? It's not too late to know city life isn't for me. I cherish this knowledge. Every day my conclusion gets substantiated. I want to tend my own garden more badly than ever. I want the vibe of a small town. I still haven't figured out the old people problem yet, but you know what, I'll just pretend they don't exist. As long as they're not in my face that should be easy. And let me tell you something, of all the places I've lived and visited, it's a ubiquitous epidemic problem lol. They're literally everywhere in every country. They're like human sized turtles. Well, no one is going to bother me. I can deal with that. It's only going to get worse in the future. Whatever.

I have to

I have to look at Calendar to remind myself that cold days have existed. I just need some rain to calm down. When it's late at night I pull my hair like this.

I finally begin to understand Classical music, Diary. It is as basic as it is important, and I can't believe it took this long. All understanding seems anti-intuitive on the surface, I see it now. Every piece finally has meaning of its own... it only happens to Classical music for now. I'm fine if it stays this way. I can't watch any movie that contains Classical from now. At least for a long time. Several pieces were already ruined this way. I must hear them in their purist form.

God bless. It opens my ears, it opens my eyes & it opens my heart, I mean, my mind - to the way of . . .

​The acquisition of meaning is more difficult than the acquisition of knowledge... and wealth, all of which a man is mortally dependent on. I guess some can choose. I can't.

I just need One rain, God, please, have pity on my soul .

Saturday, August 18, 2018

God of Dogs & Dog of Gods

I made the right decision btw. I don't know why I always blame myself. I just remembered today that I knew exactly what I was getting into & the trade off .

How ignorant I am about politics

The other day I found out Oprah is not running for president. I mean, it wouldn't surprise me either way at this point. But, I really don't pay much attention to politics nowadays, mostly because of the pace. I can hardly wait for some TV that airs one episode per week. It's just... so slow. But politics become so important and relevant when it's history. Yeah current events ought to give you hints for your next moves but again, you have to be constantly on the watch out and scrape thousands of little articles to find the few really important ones. All news outlets flood you with useless information. Absolutely useless. And there is no algorithm that can help you fine-tune your focus. You have to know what you are looking for in the first place. Nobody is going to help you with Discovery.

I had... have a solution. But. Last night I was thinking... One big mistake people make is to reject the idea that you believe is wrong, trying to assimilate the population. It's anti-intuitive but, the different strata of people needs different education. Once you realize that you can "relate" to anybody. You just need to respect their differences and have different systems.

For example, the top strata don't need no morals. Morals are what binds the Middle strata, and security is what binds the lower one. They say "feed the masses and eat with the classes", that first applies to the lower strata. The Middle strata needs guidance. But the top one doesn't need you to tell them what to do, they don't need no instruction much less provision. You merely have to show them evidence and have them decide what to do. It's kind of like in a courtroom, except you can only show and not tell. Yes, lay everything out on the table, flatly and clearly, concisely and truthfully, and have those who have their own Will decide. It has to be the case.

I can't provide for people anyway. I've gotten the taste of managing people and giving them salaries, being the breadwinner of breadwinners, and I can't do it. It's not my thing. I'm going to have to do it again, but not in a way that plays on the number. I will never create > 100 jobs, I mean. That's not how I will make an impact. In fact .

No, you know, there is one thing I haven't figured out yet. I think it's a bit wild and honestly unrealistic.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018


It was a mistake to avoid Oprah all these years. I just instinctively avoid all TV personalities and today I stumbled upon a video of her speech and it's good to know she's special. I mean that's all it does for me. I'm not going to spend more time than I already have on the video. It's good to know, that's it, really.

I'm gaining more clarity about things recently, so that's good. I don't know about the library... or if it's at all a trade - off . No yeah you're right . It's not going to be me who . .

One thing I can keep coming back to - what is it  -  does it exist  ?

Tuesday, August 14, 2018


Every time I'm on the verge of despair, God saves me somehow. 2 minutes of rain .

That Campofrio turkey was awful tho . It was bland but almost bitter.

Now, some things are see - through  .

Sunday, August 12, 2018

losing it

It is the first time that I find some people so unbearable in here. I'm not going to say the Spaniards because I'm not sure where they're from, especially in tourist season. But by God, those who talk loudly outside at 4:40 am... 4:40 AM!!!!! Diary!!!!!!! WHAT !  THE  !  FUCK ! 

I'm truly incensed this time. Shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! FUCK OFF AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

You don't know how much willpower it takes me to not yell from my window. A, I'd break the non-silence myself. B, none of the neighbors seems to mind. I mean, even the old ladies. So. I should put up with it. C, I don't think telling them would help. The night I went out to get KFC I saw a lot of trashy people. They're the ones who are so inconsiderate, loitering about and talking loudly at night. And these CURSED skateboard kids. Oh my God. Those fucking skateboards on the street make the sound of chalk over blackboard. It's fucking crazy.

I mean, this would've been my reaction however many years ago. I would never mix with this vibe even if I was younger. These people are fine. This is their community, Diary. People go on cheap tours in Barcelona to experience this shit. It's me who's miscalculated. Therefore I alone should bear the burden.

What's so fun that you have to talk to your friend about at fuckin... 5 AM now. These people are loud 24 hours a day. I kid you not. 11AM through 8PM are the worst hours, but the rest is just as aggravating. I want to laugh, Diary. I did this to myself... I brought myself here.

No. I'm not going to change, Diary. Enjoy your punishment. I mean, thanks for sitting through my punishment with me.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Broke it

I caved in to the craving today and even now I think "that's the way you wanted to break it?"

I think that every problem I have can be explained easily: I'm a restless person. That's why this is so hard.

And it's the next day. OK then

Thursday, August 9, 2018

OK now

Hi Diary. I feel better now. I don't know why I was so depressed earlier. I actually passed out. But then I'm OK again. Probably because it's late now and it's quiet on the street, and the air is finally cool because of the rain and there are crickets chirping, so.

I guess I've been waiting for someone to point out to others that I'm the most misanthropic person they've ever seen, and all my recent discoveries disturbed me. I don't know. It bothers me to not like what I am a part of, and that's totally normal. I have to do the one thing that makes me less depressed, as always, and that is to tell the truth... to follow the truth.

There really is no way around anything. I hate people, yet there must be others who hate people as much as I do. That alone should comfort me, but still. I just... I just really have to face it, Diary. I don't want to see people, I don't want to hear people, I don't care about their lives or what they do, but in the abstract I'm very much dependent on them. How does that work?  Well we have already figured that out. I need patience, and like I said, extreme discipline. I don't know if I can control myself from passing out. Just the noise out there is...

God. When have I become so frail?

a different day, the same despair

It just rained a little bit, so why do I still feel so sad?

Perhaps because I know it'll never happen again for a long, long time. Times after times, I see the weather report say it's going to rain, to only change it to cloudy, and then sunny hours before it should happen. It is nature, it is science. I was hopeful, I was hopeless.

I am thoroughly drained, Diary. I pray, I beg for it to rain a little bit longer, but things dry up in a few minutes. Tomorrow will be sunny again... I can't take it anymore.

No snow in winter... no rain in summer... I have plugged myself in a hell hole.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Diary...

I know it sounds insane, but I just want t tend a garden. I want to see nature. I don't want to be in a city anymore. I want to live somewhere with snow and rain. Always. Always.

I will never betray myself again.

Ego Check

I'd say I'm pretty used to reflective reasoning... the first thing I have to come to terms with is...


Public School Enemy #1 -

I don't think so.

God keeps me on track. I however need better discipline.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

A Year In Twilight Zone

I am still impressionable, of course. Is that a good or bad thing? Well, let's face it, it's impossible for me to be "mature" or "complete" at this point. I have a lot to learn. But still, the more things that exist that shake me, the less certain I feel about my past and future. But all people live one day at a time, so even if all in the past were mistakes... no- not all of them were mistakes.

I . . .

Thursday, August 2, 2018


I don't play Overwatch buh today I found a short clip of a pumpkin-head fuckin a witch of some sort. Oh it's called Pumpkin Reaper. How cool is that?

The composition, rendering and everything... really what I want to see in today's hentai. Nice reward for a long day of work