Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Infinity War: Surprising Cathartic Good Ending

So Infinity War is "out" today and I watched it because I've run out of things to watch. It was pretty boring for the most part all except for the ending. I mean, with the same FX it'd be pretty boring if you put it back in the 90s, just the trite plot and everything. The Ending was surprising though. So people do agree that overpopulation is an intense problem and needs to be dealt with a heavy hand. This is a weird context but OK good 2 know. But it was kind of quick and as I was enjoying the ending I couldn't help but think what BULLSHIT it'd be if some of the characters should come back. At the back of my mind I knew they had to because it was played out so casual.

I mean, I was never a fan of superhero anything and I've certainly not watched all the films, but I recognized most of the characters in this one. I really hope the ending is the true ending and there's no more tricks. That would spoil it. But either way I don't feel for any of them because it's just so cliche. I can't take it. It's a really boring film. And it's clearly aimed for kids with the talking animals and stuff. Trying to be funny. I'd guess age 6-12 range. I'd be dead-ass embarrassed by this shit when I was 13. Anyway.

Even the FX is outdated btw, like not even the latest best tech. I can only imagine they saved a bunch of money by delivering the same FX as a couple of years ago for much less. I mean, whatever.

Yeah I'm reading IMDB reviews right now and someone said all of them will come back. What the fuck. OK. I said it though. It'd be too good to be true. So this entire film is a hoax. It's such a retarded film, man. I can't.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Mind-numbing fantasies

I'm convinced everyone is driven mad by the heat. I have so many fantasies in my head- actually so much- just one but super intense- that I can't...


. .

Cool, air-conditioning put me down

On the verge of dying? No. But still.

"Sum" is the answer to a lot of my questions and doubt. 1 ( One ) or "Sum".

But wait... that 1 is One because it is an exceptional "sum".

( True ) 1 is rare.  Easier to find "sum".


Stick to "sum".

Spaniards are really loud

They just keep talking.

This is not a joke.

Sunday, July 29, 2018


It's 6am and there is a group of bleach blonde and pink haired goblins standing in the street talking nonstop.

( Also, isn't it a pain in the ass that you understand 6 languages and can be distracted by nonsense in 6 languages throughout the day?  )

There is noise 24 hours downtown, near ramblas, confirmed. How I did not notice this last year is beyond me

Saturday, July 28, 2018


I've heard enough dog barking and baby crying in one day. My mood and understanding of this city has completely matured and stabilized. I get the locals 100% now. It took me a year and a half.

Now. There is so much cringe to go around, Diary. How can a nation be so retarded and embarrassing? I don't even want to talk about it. Ugh. Besides that, I learned about Ice Poseidon recently, and I just... I was curious at first, but now that I've seen all that I've seen, I don't...

It's like, at first I didn't get Let's Play either. I didn't get gameplay videos at all. But over the past 2 years, I learned that it can be of great use as an archive/record-keeping and sample footage which dissuaded me from wasting any time on many a substandard game. Granted, I still view it differently than those who genuinely enjoy this type of thing (with commentary, ew, I never watch ones with commentary), but I get gameplay videos now.

Streaming is another thing like this. I know it started many years ago but it's only made it to mainstream rather recently. I must understand it, before one day it turns into a multi gazillion dollar industry, nowadays the dull ass streamers are actually pioneering in this field, so now is the time get a good idea of it. As for gameplay streaming, I get it, it's like the videos only better. It's in real time, you feel right there with the streamer, etc. But there are new varieties unique to streaming that's addictive for a lot of people and those are what I didn't get.

First is the so-called titty streamers. Now I've never actually watched web-cam because let's face it, it's about fantasy for me and watching someone masturbate is just sad. Those poor girls. It honestly is so sad. So OK, I get titty streaming now. It's soft core. But like, it's ultra sad when you see the "geeky" elements in their room like pokemon plushies on their bed, cat ears on their head, gamer chairs or the uniform LEDs like the beauty vloggers use. It's sad to see someone play a character that they clearly don't fit. And I don't get why that's attractive either. Like, what is the big deal with titties? Why can't men get over them? And why are girls so ready to display them? I keep thinking- once you show them your nudes, you have no more assets. All of your viewers cannot achieve penetration and you've given them everything they need in order to jerk off. Then you have no value to them no more. How is this not clear? It's so sad.

I mean, there aren't even any hot male streamer the whole 10 seconds I was on Twitch so it's not even a market for me in the first place lol. I wouldn't want to see them bend over or fondle themselves anyway. Only boring people like to watch people just sitting in a room. On a side note, I was glad to see more and more men caring about their appearance online. Some of them go over the top, but I have a sick joy whenever I come across those types. I mean subs like malefashionadvice or something is still cringe as hell, like the one time I've been there I was shivering from how poor taste their stuff was, but they're trying at least, I guess. But titty streamers is just not my thing. So I don't care.

So there is only one category left that can help me understand the appeal of streaming- the real irl. And Ice Poseidon is supposed to be #1. I have to say if he's #1 there is a lot of room for succession. I mean, if you look at irl videos, I guess he is more like Casey Neistat, whom I don't watch, not only because he's hideous but also because he is actually pandering and uncreative and greedy. But Casey has good work ethics and nice set-ups, so I gotta give him credit on that. It's baffling to me how few irl streamers put thought and effort into their gears. That's the first thing that made me not write off Ice Poseidon from the start, because he actually has an adequate set up to go around and film things.

But this guy's relationship with his community is just weird, it honestly is the weirdest I've ever seen. I mean, we've seen gross stuff on the internet, for sure. Filthy Frank shaved Idubbbz's hair and ate hair cake, but they did it as their own gag. The viewers don't dictate what they do next. And after Filthy Frank became sushi trash or Joji or something he just left all that behind. I don't think many of his older fans followed his music career, and he's now garnering approval from a completely new audience. FF and his audience can both re-invent themselves.

Ice Poseidon here actually caves to the will of his fans. He actually fake-broke up with his girlfriend because he couldn't take the pressure from his own community and more recently shaved his head to apologize to them. Like, there is such a strong emotional bond between them that I've never seen before. The emotional attachment is so strong both ways. It's honestly shocking to me how affected he is by his community and how invested his community is in every minute detail of his life. I'm wondering if it's because it's irl. Actually, I wonder if it's the point of irl- that your action have some sort of effect, even if days delayed- that you exert some sort of influence on the personality when usually it's the other way around. But is it a good idea to blur that line? It's also shocking to me how open this guy is to his fans. He honestly is so open and transparent to them already, more than any vlogger or streamer has ever been. I almost feel like this isn't a streamer-fan relationship. No doubt anyone who has any means to get to him feels like they're his actual friend, and he actually makes friends that way too and puts random people on his stream to become featured characters. But think. Just think. How transient must these people be? They are transient as fuck. You'd think Ice Poseidon is great at making friends because it seems he can strike up a conversation with just about anybody. Girls are ready to hook up with him and fall for his superficial charm. He "makes friends" quick, but they wouldn't last long.

You can see this depression and vulnerability immediately in this guy and I wonder if that's why so many girls opened their hearts to him, because for real I felt for him too. For a second. Like oh the poor thing, the poor thing looks so tortured, someone needs to be nice to him. But then again you immediately discover that he is so needy and insecure. ( And filthy. ) He calls other people leeches but he leeches off them too. Oh I know the word. Obsessed. He is obsessed with his community and his community is obsessed with him, and in addition he is obsessed with getting love and care from people around him- you know, those he can find and touch. For now he's sane, but he's kind of destroying his own life in search of love and attention he thinks he needs, and he's never going to escape the control of his purple army at this rate. It's not like he's a victim or anything, they made him. I'm just saying. It's fascinating.

Is it cruel for people to watch train-wrecks and be entertained by them? Personally, I'm more of a volcano and forest fire type of person. I saw a drive through wildfire video today and my heart is satisfied- hey, HEY, HEY I JUST REALIZED my perfect afternoon is sitting next to the window while it's raining outside and watching a clip of someone driving through forest fire- but I suppose there are people who can derive some sort of pleasure from watching a streamer shaving his own head. To me that's an injustice, cause I think everyone should look their best. I enjoy disasters brought about by God and nature, but some people enjoy self-harm, I guess.

So what I make of this is, this is fine. It's not my type of thing, but it's good to know every type of C O N T E N T is out there nowadays.

Oh yeah I learned a new word "scuff".

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

I'm not the only one

Look at what's happening in Greece. What. the. fuck

Monday, July 23, 2018

First good night's sleep

I got my first good night's sleep this summer last night. I swear to God I don't know how dumb I can get sometimes. Fucking took me this long to sleep under a blanket.

So this morning I learned that Grandma 2 fell again. I mean, this is the least fucked up way you can get hurt as an old person. First time she's walking, now her one leg is braced and she's supposed to be on bed rest, right, and she sneaked out when no one's looking cause she thought she's alright and broke the other leg. How am I supposed to feel sympathy for that? She's told to lie on a bed and she has to be up and about just because she thinks. I went against many things but if my leg is broken and a doctor tells me not to move, I'm not going to move. I don't know what she's thinking. I hate vegans now, too. If she wasn't vegan all her life her legs wouldn't be as crispy as kit kat, now I don't think she can do surgery anymore. She's prolly going to be put in a wheelchair. That's just sad.

I think it's cruel that old people must live on. They're frail and they want to run about. They're hideous and they lust after the young. They want to be productive but they're fucking weak. This is the cause of so many tragedies. It's brutal. Nobody wants them and they have to have this delusion that they're worthy to live on. I don't get it.

I don't love any of my grandparents. I'm not capable of loving someone who's so flawed. It's the truth and you must know it. I may only be able to tell it once, but it has to get out there. You have to record it. I don't believe in love anyway but I could feel a strong attachment or obligation to make someone's life better, and that's how I feel about mother. No one else. I don't feel that way about Grandma 2 at all. I'd never understand if someone feels that way about me. I know mom feels that way about me. I hope she's the only one.

Anyway. Why is telling the truth so hard, you know? Why do people have to go around every day waving the flag or sign or whatever and spew shit like peace and love? Why? Do they not feel how empty those words are? It's soul-draining to hear.

Anyway, it's an End Game. It's an End Game! Let's do our best Diary.


Well, Diary. I had a lot to think about today, too. I don't remember most of it, and I'm going to bed soon.

I saw the number and I almost came. Over 100. Are we shooting for 200 or - . . .

Oh, yes. One of the things is I... finally acknowledging how painful it is to only look back on history. I want to be awed today as well. Is that too much to ask?

Some technology is here, but it's the people who have changed. People are the most important pieces that we know. I know this.

Oh I put away the comforter. I have to go with a blanket now.

And the rest . . .

Pebble Stone. Pebble Dream.

I know I only play a small part in this . . .  I can see my place in the world .  It is my role nonetheless .  Maybe it's more about me -  but I need it to be about people , too . I know my play .

It's heavy duty task. It's hard work, but I'm not alone. The more I think about it, the less alone I know I am. They may have passed, but they have been there. I can feel them. We can all feel them. I am not alone.

Good God, and all that is Holy and True, lend me will and power . If it isn't destined to be, then it won't be, and I will not be bitter . I leave it all to faith .

Sunday, July 22, 2018

100 rains

Rainz!!!!!!!!!!!! Rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  R A I N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm mad happy rn because it's raining after yet I don't know how many days of nothing. Also although my dependency/tolerance/immunity to pain killer has increased ( 2 b4 n 6 now ) I'm glad my period is over for this period.

I've never felt more retarded for the C O N T E N T I've been watching recently, I can't even talk to you - but I have to understand my peers and the new generation. I can't talk normal right now. It's utterly important that I understand what's going on, like the big picture, constantly. I just... every day there is a new world to discover, because the more perspective you get, the more conclusive.... no- more rounded, your idea of the world is.

I will say this though because it's been bothering me for a while. It occurred to me I never clarified what "God". It's the unknown, the seeds and the probability. If someone asks you "what do you believe in?" and you reply "Oh I believe the unknown and the probability and variety of things that might be happening", it's way too long and it sounds way too edgy. So I coined the name "God" for myself. Every time I learn something or gain total control over something, "God's" power wanes a little bit. It suffices to say I will never be able to control my luck or my fate in general, or my place in the world by and large, etc. so I will always revere God. I know I sound like a theist, but I'm an atheist with strong agnostic tendencies. Not a full blown agnostic until I think of a proper shape and form of the entity that represents everything I described in God. So it also explains why I can't actually talk to people about my "God". I'm honestly afraid to hear someone assumes and say "Oh so he is #$^&()" I'd be so incensed. It's completely different than any religion. It's not a man. It can't be a man. God is an abstract concept. It's as abstract as Fate and probability theory.

So I never thought I'd be explaining God to you in such a casual way but here it is. In this way I believe every has a "God" and it's impossible to convince other people to believe in "your God", because it's literally your own values. I mean I guess you could brain wash them and rob them of their own thinking. But then like, where do churches come from, right? It's absurd to me that people would get together and agree on one God. I mean yeah, I guess we can all agree on our limit in the universe and the power of the unknown, but this isn't what they were thinking. I don't like their lore. I've read many lore of many religions and none of them impresses me. I'm so done. How can people believe in that?

If my past few days' experience in trashy content proved anything, it's that people will believe in anything. Fuck the rain stopped. I don't wanna talk anymore.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Troublesome Fascinations

I believe the things we spend time learning about say a lot about us, which is why I find some of my fascinations troublesome.  I'm exploring the possibility of a lifestyle that I recently discovered retired vets are interested in, and that worries me a lot. Well not only them, of course, but equally jaded people. I have to stop to ask myself, why... what do I have in common with those people? Why would we share the same sentiment?

Like, those people have been to wars, they have suffered in foreign countries. Admittedly I have been to... lived in even more foreign countries, but our living conditions are totally different. They were risking their lives, they didn't speak the native tongue in Iraq or Southeast Asia or whatever, and they had to follow orders. I'm not like that, at all. So I  really don't know how we arrived on the same conclusion. Only after watching those clips did I totally get why they chose that lifestyle and suddenly question why I would harbor the same sentiment after just living a completely different life. I don't get it. Do you think.

Do you think. Diary, do you actually think - that I can have the sort of sentiment of a soldier stationed in some foreign country and risking his life every day just by talking to normal people for five minutes? What sort of person would that make me? Why would I get the same sort of annoyance... no, I can't even find a word for it. It's just so crazy.

I only know that all my conclusions are totally logical, which is why I can't find a way to go back on it. But why. Why would normal people aggravate me to this extent? I'm a normal person too, right? No. OK. OK then.

I know what aggravates me the most is how replicable people are and experiences can be. No matter who I'm talking to, I keep thinking about how similar they are to other people, and how not unique is the information they give. Do you understand? I keep thinking- I could've found out about this by Googling for 4 seconds instead of sitting here and listening to this drivel. Or if they're telling me about their personal life, I just keep thinking about how many other people must be experiencing the same thing. Why is it unique? Why do I need to know about this? I don't.

I feel like I'm desperate to hold on to something special. Like it's not enough that I'm walking my own path, I require everyone I associate with to be their own person and intrigue me in ways people just can't. I can't help it. I can't convince myself to care about things that are so common or so simple. I really dread normal people. It's not like I gravitate toward fringe characters- I dread some... most of them just like normal people do, but then I dread normal people also. What's up with that? It's like, if someone does not have an outstanding talent, is not a whiz at anything, is not worldly, does not have demonstrable success or has no grand goal, I can't be interested in them. You can argue that most people are this way, but at least they can tolerate each other. I can't. I really can't. Why is that?

I feel like my understanding in humanity, and my desire to appreciate humanity- which is a really innate and sincere desire, should prevent me from that. I still do feel this way. I just... I just can't. I'm actually afraid of what stupid people might say. I actually dread that. Partly bc, I think, I am not prepared. To me it's the same way I don't prepare for old age or the apocalypse. You've got these shitty survival games and movies, and you've got these people saying that if the world comes to and end, this is what to do in order to live. They build bomb shelter, collect seeds, stock ammos and canned food or whatever, and I'm just like... if human civilization is gone, why would I want to live? Like if all traces of all great human achievements are wiped out, we have no monuments left, no electricity, no satellite, no sanitation, no rail network, no planes, not modern infrastructure of any sort in tact, why would I want to live in that world having lived in this one?

My will to live is not that strong and it boggles my mind that other people's are. It's really baffling. It's not my imagination. It's like the people in the most impoverished countries keep having kids. They can't even feed themselves and they continuously take on the greatest risk to have offspring of their own. It is such a difficult, bloody ordeal, and they're sacrificing themselves for it, and yet they still do it. And at the same time people who have everything, a house, transportation, leisure, food, entertainment, everything at their fingertips don't want to do it.

But the thing is, one of the problems is- right, that it has already happened before. The world wars and civil wars have already destroyed the majority of monuments and civilizations and culture heritage and recording history around the world. It's already happened countless times before. Humans still have emerged from all the horrors and made progress even, so I don't know. I was born in a peaceful time and I've lived a peaceful life, and I can't imagine if it should happen again. If the next great war triggers some sort of technology breakthrough that sends us into space and colonizing Mars or some other presumably more livable planets, will I want to be part of that? I guess the answer has to be yes. I'm ready to abandon everything that's produced on this planet. That's how humans are. But if it's just a step back, like only loss and no progress, I don't think I'd want to live.

Anyways, I still don't have the answer. I don't think it's necessarily wrong, this state of mind, in fact I think it prompts me to take only logical action and makes the process more efficient, it's just incredibly hard to find people I like. It's almost impossible. They're all dead. I can't go near the live ones because I'd find the composer for my favorite video game does not actually play the game, or some other people who are just... not what I expected.

It's hard. Console me.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Robert Plutchik's Emotions Color H'wheel

So I found this emotions wheel by Robert Plutchik & I think it's pretty neat. The H'wheel is neat, but I do disagree with what he identified as the eight primary emotions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy. This can't be the eight basic emotions. He claims all animals feel them which is even more ridiculous. The emotions as building block thing- I don't agree with that either. I honestly think we can only feel one emotion at a time, if it feels like a combination of two or more things, that unique condition should have its own name. Because I don't think you can feel two things separately at the same time, like knowing and recognizing them as two separate things. Or should I say, you always feel one dominant emotion at one time so much so that the lesser emotions are not consciously recognized, therefore should not count.

I don't get the mix outside of the wheel either, but it's just as I explained. It seems rather arbitrary and baseless. Like "fear+trust=submission?" or "joy+trust=love"? Get outta here.

As far as constructs go, there is of course limited logic. I'd rather turn this wheel inside out to better present the spectrum. Wait.


Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Do I like it Plain ?

That is the question.  I get that everybody wants things made easier for them - I just have to figure out if I'm the same way. Of course. Why not. Absolutely. I've taken the harder path, but it's also the shortest way to the goal point. I've cut off enough things to make my life easier . . .   easier for me.

I think to not make things easy is a reaction, or preemptive... like precaution. Yeah, I have to be careful, but that's one end. I still should act on what I see, and it's obvious that things should be made plain.

Monday, July 16, 2018

1 Hr Downpour

It showered this morning, 1 hour of downpour - and my heart is filled to the brim.

I thought of something else and I feel like crying again. God has given me so much and my mother has given me so much. I know I deserve it, but I still . . .

I finally feel close to God again. I wonder if this is what the truly pious Christians or Muslims or what-have-you feel like. But this feels so private... and so individual... I can't fathom a "religion" being fashioned out of this, but if it did, it must be so powerful. I will definitely learn about Christianity next, I'm too curious.

Anyways, Diary. Monday now. Let's get back to work.

Sunday, July 15, 2018


Let's just have a quiet, relaxing afternoon. I broke so much sweat today - so much so that I had to turn on air-conditioning, but I've come to like the newfound peace and quiet once all the windows are closed. I don't know why people are rioting even on Sunday. I heard the World Cup is finally going to be over so maybe it's because of that. I don't really care. I really sweat easily, Diary. If I actually work out it's normally twice as effective as other people, but the thing is I don't. I still can't convince me to do it. I mean, there is enough gardening work waiting for me in the near future, so I'm not worried about it.

I think in the fall I'll open the canned game, you know, boar, partridge, quail and of course beef & pork cheeks and duck confit. In August I'll cook arròz a banda, and so on.

I didn't realize what they're saying about Italian and Spanish being so similar until last night. I mean, it's cool, I guess. But I have to move on, enough of that.

Well Diary. I'm grateful that there are so many varieties on jungle sounds and rain sounds floating around today. Can you believe the life previous to this, as well as the time where people couldn't make ice? We've come a long way. I mean, it's little things that still surprise me sometimes, but sometimes it gets really dumb, like it is a wonder to me there are fish in the water. In the ocean. Like, they're just there, they're living there. And we're living totally separate lives. Creatures.

I'm extremely logical, Diary, you know that - but I also make mistake. I've come to learn that it's the worst when a logical person makes mistake. It really is.

So I . . .

I just have another thought about jerking off. I think it might be easier for women because it's, well it is for me but I guess I should say it can be, a hands off experience.

Oh what else. Let me come back in a while.

Friday, July 13, 2018

It starts to rain .

Look at me. It's been drought over a month and now it's raining. Literally within an hour I wrote the last post. No Diary, seriously - look at me. Look at me being speechless. I Love God and I'm going to do everything to stand by my oath.

God saves me once again

In the middle of sunny hell that is summer or most time in a year around here, God saves me once again. It made it overcast today. I can't tell you how grateful I am. It's finally darkened a little bit outside. I don't pray for raindrops, I'm not asking that, it's too much, I know. I want it, but this alone shows God has not given up on me. Thank you. I honestly do want to cry. Thank you, God. I won't let you down, I promise. I hope I will do enough that you will give the earth shower some day. I will earn my reward, and be not stupid ever again. I promise I will get less and less stupid every day. This is a promise I make to myself also.

Dear me, Dear Diary, I will never ever put myself in this position again. I will never force myself into this again.

I cried and only sand came out

OK I didn't cry. But today I discovered that even music - ALL music ! sound dry now. Dry music. Can anyone stand that? So I have no choice but to listen to rainymood and jungle sounds, just like I did 6 years ago. Good God.

I keep telling myself this is still better than North Africa and Middle East. It doesn't help. I need rain. I just might go on a rain-seeking journey to Bilbao or Galicia. No, that's too far. God please help me. Please. I'm begging you, please. So much torment.

The sun fills my heart with anguish and sadness, I feel defeated, like nothing matters in life. Please. Even just an overcast. I really feel so very weak, my whole back hurts, I'm tired all day every day. I had to masturbate to stay focused. It's just pathetic. When it's raining I feel like laser beams can shoot out of my eyes and I'm up for anything. I'm suffering so much. There is no rain. There is no rain!!!!!!!

Thinking about going to the beach makes me deflated also. The last thing I want to see is people in bikinis playing volleyball. I just want a quiet stroll on a forested riverbank. Why am I so stupid, Diary? I'm officially past that "adventure age", maybe. I know all TOO clear what I want. I'm sorry Diary. I will pick myself up and be disciplined no matter what.

God I'm such an idiot.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Can you say no to trash

the question seems to have a simple answer, and it should be- "yes".

​I don't get why...what's... where the pull is.

"Fun with ants?"

What is being a human, Diary? It's not about the same thing over, over and over again.

But I'm seeing parallels with absolutely no intersection.

Too much pieces or not enough?

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Tuna Tactic

I masturbated a little while today. I'm sorry, but there is this new genre of hentai apparently that are aimed at girls. I heard it's called shoujo-hentai, clear as it sounds. Basically the protagonist is always this girlfriend-color-haired (by that I mean hazelnut or some sort of pink) girl like how it's always this default regular looking short dark hair guy in hentai, or anime in general really- that's geared towards guys. Basically the difference is in shoujo hentai the one girl fucks many guys versus the other way around and the guys are actually good looking and have all sorts of crazy colored hair like the other way around. There is always this red hair guy- I'm talking about blazing red hair, he's kind of pushy and always fired up but you just want to have sex with him etc. The purple/blue haired guy is often just blue you know, they're kind of pale and emo and whatever. I mean, I do feel like this is kind of formulaic but since it is a pretty big reversal I suppose the novelty won't wear off for a while. I do feel dumb watching the plot though. There is a lot more plot.


Oh I just checked and apparently FOW's GITS production is out. Give me a minute.

And, I don't know what the hell I did, but the tuna came out super tangy that day. I have never tasted fish that's this tangy. I'm a master at conserva. I follow Food Wishes by the way, the only way to tell if a chef is a master chef is to see if they cook food from different cultures. The moment I saw baklava on Food Wishes' channel I knew Chef John is the real deal. His voice is so funny also, the guy's got a great sense of humor.

OK I skipped through the GITS porn. I don't know about the Borderlands-esque graphics, man, it's just weird. It don't work on porn, it don't even work on games if you ask me. There is this whole conversation about poster edge effect and human perception, but I don't want to get into that today.

You know what's really bothering me these days, it's the fact that people don't seem to care about others' suffering anymore. Of course, this stems from independence, but I'm really beginning to think that more independence doesn't mean more freedom. It truly looks like there are more people who feel oppressed today than ever before. True, people aren't as oppressed today as any day before, but there are more people who feel a level of oppression. It's so widespread that people don't have the heart to care about others anymore, but this is how we stagnate. I don't know. It's clear to me that it's easier to make people happier than to make things worse. I don't know how to say it, actually.

What do you say to someone who knows how to make others happy but not themselves, you know? You probably say nothing. You did say nothing, Diary. You never did say anything. I know, I know.

First things first.

Saturday, July 7, 2018


I must say one of them "perks" about staying in the city is all the stuff that goes down at night. I have said a million times over I don't like traveling anywhere, you have to live here to know it. Like the other day I was walking and literally someone dumped water onto the street from a 3rd floor window and it almost hit me. The street was packed with people and everyone was in shock but when we looked up of course that window's closed now. And at night, usually after 2am, you hear and witness all sort of crazy shit. Well not that crazy to the crazies but kind of crazy to me. Like how I often see, from my own window, drunk girls being carried off by guys. It's never one guy, but not a whole lot either. Typically 2-6 people. People ranting and raving on their phone, etc. Drunk people.

One night I hear "dude I DON'T BELIEVE YOUR FUCKING LIES!! even... even if I went I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT BACK!! I'm... I'm done with your FUCKING lies!!" stuff like that. Like that got me excited, I wonder if the guy's friend tricked him into venturing into a drug den or something. I don't know.

I mean, it's pretty amazing that girls actually go to bars and get themselves drunk. It's pretty phenomenal. I don't want to say they're all desperate, because who knows why they do these things, but it's pretty incredible to me. It's one of those things I will never understand, I guess.

Anyway. Like I said I've already gotten tired of looking at tourists. Now they all look the same to me. No curiosity there. Can you believe this mosquito bite though? On my hand. It's nasty- it's kind of bulgy.

I realize I'm praying for winter, and although I didn't much enjoy the last winter... the last two winters, this one won't be as terrible. I don't know. There is wind so the weather is not that bad, it's just it doesn't rain. Every day I check my marked places and engage in masturbatory thoughts about what it's like over there when it's raining. I don't know.

I'm not complaining... OK a bit - but I also like it here, just to be clear. Rain is just incredibly important to me, and snow. I feel like I'm in hell when I see it's sunny in all foreseeable days.

It's really a pretty free-spirited city. The other day I saw a woman who was wearing this short mini-skirt, and with a little breeze it would flow up and reveal her whole butt. I had to laugh a little. Yeah it's a nice round butt but I'm not gay so. People are wearing all sorts of bralettes on the street and it's just another reminder that I need to find somewhere more mature. I most definitely don't fit in, but it's not on my priority list, so.

I just feel like I haven't talked to you for a while, so.

I mean. I don't know what the shouting is about. What can I do besides spraying citrusy water on myself at this hour? I'm OK.

I forgot I had brushed my teeth and I ate two ice creams. I'll do that again before going to bed.

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Thursday, July 5, 2018


I have decided that I will never go back on my own oath. I will not break the holy contract. That's the entire point of an oath!

Looking to dissolve a holy contract

I believe it's the first time I'm considering dissolving a holy contract... unless it is already being dissolved. The binding is excruciating. I have to look into... what connection is there...

I have to purify everything.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Why Don't Old People -

So Grandma 2 fell when she was literally walking and now she's in hospital. Her ankle is broken and her shoulder blade is broken from what I've heard. Grandpa was with her at the time so there is really no room for any conspiracy theory. It happened when she's walking.

I haven't felt one iota of sadness since. I have to tell you that. I have to tell you the truth. I have felt nothing but annoyance. I'm certainly not flying back to visit her. I have to know why. I have to know why is it that the first thought that popped into my head when I heard this was "Why don't old people kill themselves?"

I know I have a lot of problems with old people this summer. I saw a picture of the pope the other day and he looks exceedingly like the old creep from across the street. I'm trying to digest literature about medieval Italy, so you know how hard that's been on me. The imperialism vs papacy thing is interesting, but a topic for another day.

I would kill myself when I turn 50. I don't know how many times I have told you this. I told you at one point I may consider 40, right? Did I? Anyway. That is a fact. That's one of the oaths I took.

Oh by the way, to explain the last post that was defiantly out of ordinary, it's because I've been watching a lot of creepy conspiracy theory videos in the last few days and it eases me to hear people's television at night. I wouldn't call it a complete waste of time. The logic in most of the videos I watched was frail, but the perspectives are important. Why yes, I do believe that citizens are assets of a nation, and the nation encourages them to live longer than they should to sustain the medicare industry.

I can understand why a teenager kills himself or a 100-yo doesn't. It's a matter of free will, what I respect the most. I've been seeing more and more people vocalizing about their own God recently, and I accept that. That literally is the norm to me. Some people get defensive about it, insisting that their own God is the only God, which is absurd. I reckon we're not seeing more people confessing their belief because of this, because they can't accept other people have their own God too. I mean, we all know what this "God" is, it's something vastly more profound than the superego, not the same category really so I don't know if it's even comparable, but it involves the unknown.

I hear this saying that people don't kill themselves because they fear the unknown, which is unfathomable to me. Unknown is literally what keeps me going, and I can't accept if it's the opposite for other people. I can never accept it because it's a fundamental difference, like...

Anyway. I don't fear death and I have never feared death. I have never feared missing out, it's impossible.

I can understand why people like Stephen Hawking want to live on (no I know, RIP). God would approve of that, too. I can understand why some absolutely hideous fuck that everyone calls evil is working to obtain immortality. I'll bet you anything he is not planning to live long just to "enjoy a good life". I don't know if God would approve of that. What I don't understand is why people who have so little would live on into the old age. Aren't they turned off by their own image in in the mirror combined with the fact that they're worthless? Do people know they're worthless? That has been one of my main wonders about our society. Worth is relative, and everyone should be able to see their worth in the grand scheme of things. So why, I beg you, why do so many worthless people feel entitled?

I get that people don't do things for the abstract goodness or out of logic. I kind of already have the answer. Some people are just unaware. If one doesn't receive any gift from God, finds little happiness in life, one still may have the free will to live. That is so different from my will. That is animal. Humans living with animals. Yeah, makes sense. You slaughter the animals, make them into whatevers. If they want to live, then let them live.

Cool. I can see that now.

Grandma 2 has been somewhat miserable in her whole entire life. She told me in secret how hard it is being a woman in this world, and I think that might have been one of the only few times she's told anybody the truth of her misery. I cried because I felt her. It is no less true today than it was then. We're approaching the End Game and women have lost. But what kind of losers are we?

Even if we achieved universal matriarchy on the eve of our destruction, we were still dominated most of our history. I'm not saying there is no point in any of the equal rights movements- hell, every little bit counts. I'm just saying... the facts. Facing these facts to live is no less optimistic than an old person having no gift or joy in life and decides to live. In that respect, I'm no different from any living old lady.

What kind of losers are we?

I won't be the kind of loser who takes a tumble and has to be hospitalized. I guess that's why I have little sympathy for her. At the end of the day, I only sympathize with myself, and following, whoever is most like me.

Once you acknowledge everybody's free will, you don't have sympathy for them anymore. You trust them handling themselves and facing whatever it is that comes at them in life. It's not how our society works, and I am so incredibly alone.

Still, I will bring about the change. I was born a loser, but I will die a winner. I die... differently... and early, but it's my own choosing. God must see this.

Grandma 2 is in pain, but is she in peace? Even now, does she have regret?

I have no tears to spare for the living or the dead. My heart is a pump, and that's it. I am a machine with will. I don't miss what I've lost, because what I lost is not God's design. The human body is not God's design, either, you know. It's part of the evolution. I don't really lust after some ape's body. I can't. So much of it is nature's design, human's design, the flesh, the rules, and so on. What God gives us is ... invisible to some people, and indeed, it's my invisible weapon.

I hope she gets well. It's unlikely because she's been vegan her whole life and her bones probably snapped like kit kat. I know what's causing her pain and I know she knows there is very little she can do about it. Her pain is part of my pain, and my pain is much greater. The interesting thing is, when your pain is that much greater, one little part of it is not going to dictate your life. She's controlled by that little bit of pain that devoured so many women, and she's also controlled by what time did to her body. I can't help her.

I might not be around to see the true End of End Game. The last people are somewhat lucky, they get to have some clarity and closure as regards to how the world ends. She, and I, and everyone who's dying right now are dying in the process, and not the end. Do you honestly not know how lucky it is to be the last people on earth?

Well that's it then. Still playing the End Game.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018


I don't know about the sudden surge of bot traffic but, I just realized a lot of things about people. I'm suddenly glad I'm in the center of the city now.

I stand corrected.

Monday, July 2, 2018

One Ear

I feel like nowadays people are increasingly and unnecessarily harsh toward those who have a dream and more outrageously - towards those who have talent. at the end of the day, there is only one group of people I'd fight for, and that's people with God Given talent. They're my only comrades.

It's easy to observe from history how this group of people are faring- worse and worse. And there are fewer and fewer of them despite the exploding population. I think most people are fine with living in a merit-less world as long as they're fed. As far as being animals goes, that's only natural and expected. I can see the End Game, and I think God will see that this experiment has failed, because all that is left is maggots filling their tummy with worthless things.

Humans are the most advanced creatures on this planet, but there are some serious design flaws. I see what is inevitable now.

All of this isn't prompted by anything. I just feel like talking about it to you because I've gathered enough evidence.

It was pretty gross today though. I opened the window when I turned on the stove to cook, and the drooling old fool across the street literally came out on the terrace four times in ten minutes. I can't tell you how much I hate being looked at, by anyone, really, and especially by old people. Here is another mistake with human lifespan. God will fix it, too, I'm sure, when it fixes all.

But I'm honestly tired of dodging prying eyes from other windows, so I'll be buying flowers and placing them strategically soon. And I have to figure out the Italy situation, because it only occurred to me last night that Italy has an alarming old people population- no I know, I mean I just connected the dots. The clear solution is a house with yard and trees that provide privacy. I always wanted it that way, anyway. But I'm trying to figure out which region in the north has less old people.

The Will to breed and live is deeply ingrained in every basic creature. It is actually incredible. It's amazing we all came to the world this way. On other planets, I'm sure, there has got to be another way, another design. I have overcome this, but it's hard to watch. I have this sense of disgust, like you've arrived @ a maggot-themed party. Everything is maggot themed. I hope there are more activities and things, in general, that are not about breeding or instincts we all possess. Why is that too much to ask?

It's not that we as a species wasted a lot of potential, a lot of it has just been suppressed by the masses, who just want to breed, and so on.

Instincts can't be a part of free will, I don't think.