Saturday, June 30, 2018


I'm so angry again, Diary. Everyone disappoints me. Everyone bores me. I must start going to the library soon. I just...

there is so much frustration. Google maps sucks now, Amazon sucks now, they don't play fair anymore- or just playing less fair. Anyway, it's frustrating. I'm not the first to realize the pain big corporations is going to cause, but I'm not the last either. Can you actually remove yourself from this- leaving only fringe contact? I don't know. I just know there is too much frustration.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

a bit

It rained a little bit today. It's like God knows I was dying and made it rain. I can't take this "wonderful" Mediterranean weather any longer. I know I have to endure it for another year and a half, but I'm just saying. It's excruciating to not have rain or snow in my life. When it's sunny all day every day, there is just no reason to live. Like every day it's the same. Every rainy day is different, but every sunny day is the same. I just hate it. I hate it so much.

You can't go anywhere when it's sunny. Not only will you get sunburned, but there's people everywhere. I love when it's overcast like it's the night before the apocalypse, and there are not that many people on the street, and I feel like I can go wherever. I don't even bother to check the weather these days because I knew it was going to be sunny, and if it says otherwise it's usually a lie, so this is a nice surprise. I know God won't let me die like this. It's a stupid reason.

Can you believe I actually entertained the idea of moving to the Canaries at one point? How stupid is that? It's the sunniest place on the whole planet. I'm so stupid, no I was so stupid. Not anymore. I'm going to move to some place with seasons.

It occurred to me like, there are so many people who don't move all their life. Granted for a lot of them it's because they're ignorant or they can't, but what if, I mean, what if there is a good number of people who were just born in the right place. There has to be. They don't have to go through what I have to go through to start living a life. I haven't, by the way. I haven't even gotten started. I'm so ready to put some roots down. It's been 13 years since I was 13, so I have officially spent half of my life on the move. I literally feel like I've been on exile ever since I had to leave my home. Sadly, there is no going back. I'm still a little... about the mistake I made with UK. Just because I knew so little about it at the time. I'm not going to make that mistake again. The reduction of mistakes is an ongoing process, but I'm so done being on the move.

It's grand that the world and our society can contain so many different lifestyles. I know this isn't remotely orthodox but... I have to do it. I'm not exaggerating the effect the environment and the climate have on me. Tomorrow I will keep on dying.

At some point you disregard and dismiss other people as individuals. Why? I know I have to, but why?

God, Diary. This tire is not wearing away, it's wearing me down. And I'm just...

sound of horn

I can never get over how (at least) upper middle class people live like old peasants nowadays. Just the land ownership, I mean. The tenants haven't changed. If you're not participating in politics, you shouldn't be in the city.

I had a dream last night, first part good, then bad.

I have upgraded everything. With the Kenzo sheets arriving next week, I don't have to worry about this anymore.

Transformation takes place quietly. No one knows, and the world changes.

Who the hell knows or cares what's happening out there anymore? Do all historians feel this way? No, just last week I heard someone complain about the banality of modern day politics, and they went back to study history but still felt like they need to keep up.

But the thing is, the thing is.

You know.

It's dreadfully hot at night now. It wasn't like this last summer, I don't think.

I'm still reading a lot of stuff that makes me incensed. I'm still not happy about the world. I'm not happy about what I've learned, yet I have to keep going.

I wish we could talk more often.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

cherry on the left

I decided it's a good day to cook plantains today. Summer is vegetal.

Opposites do attract - but for how long ?

More interesting yet, I would rather find the third party... it's not an eternal polar tie, you know.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Don't look, you fucking creeps

Now I have to keep my blinds closed even in the day because of the drooling old creep across the street. This pisses me off to no end because I'm not a passive aggressive person. I honestly want to strangle him but I can't. It's to be expected. What's worse than living in the city? There is no difference even if you own one of them million dollar penthouses, because of how narrow the streets are ( all of the streets in the whole of the world ) people will look blatantly. I know in a few years I'll be complaining about bugs, yard work and mosquito bites, but right now that's not so bad compared to this. This is fucking absurd. I really hate to be looked at by creeps. Fuck off!

I'm so mad, Diary. I got nothing from living in the city. The parks are occupied by hippies. They're just lying on the grass doing nothing all day every day. No. I won't accept it. Excellence is lost in here but alive elsewhere, scattered. I really have not gained anything by living in the city. I know that now. I get tired of looking at the tourists. I'm so incensed Oh My God.

You don't know how mad I was. To be forced to do something in reaction to the creeps... I... it's just so gross. I'm so done. It's summer so I'm extra mad. Every day I check the weather and it's always sunny for 7 days straight. This ain't like Seattle, Seattle cheated me. I went to Seattle in its rainiest season and it was sunny the whole month I was there. That was abnormal. But I chose this. I could've chosen Bilbao but I changed my mind at the last moment (wasting a plane ticket in the process). I knew about this. I had hope, that's why. I thought maybe I should experience a hippy metropolis for once. Well I have. It doesn't fit me. I yearn for privacy and nature as always. I'm stupid like that.

Diary I am extremely, EXTREMELY, HOPELESSLY OPTIMISTIC. I'm still like that. That's fine. What I can't stand is I was also wrong. Oh so wrong. I keep giving chances to things I know I don't like. It's time to trust myself- it's time to trust my own judgment. I bet that's it. I guess I didn't have enough confidence in my own judgment, that's why I believed the things I heard other people say. Well, no more. I am very confident in my own judgment now. Fuck other people's opinions. I won't subject myself to other people anymore, not once ever again.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

how to live

I feel like the only things that can give me an adrenaline rush are few and far between. I made a major breakthrough today and guess h'what, I felt turned on for about two minutes and that's it. I've accepted the fact that only fiction, numbers and achievements with inanimate programs and objects can titillate my corporal pleasure, but this is a bit too much - no, I mean - not enough !

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

No Senses

I think you have to be kidding me. I want to know about people less and less -

less & less & LESS  . 

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Bright light

Thank God for the thunderstorm yesterday morning.

I was supposed to talk about it yesterday. Now it's sunny as far as the report will go. But thank you for yesterday. I really needed it. It was mesmerizing. It was so beautiful.



Swear On Life.

Point of no mistake

I try to learn from others but so far other people's stories remain more entertaining than edifying. It seems I have to experience hardship and learn various lessons myself.

Don't get me wrong, Diary, just because I know doesn't keep me from trying. I can't be experiencing ALL the hardship, after all. I just realized I used my first name to the fullest, with most faith, when I was 12, and I can't use it any more. I used my first alias for something I believed in, only it turns out I was half believing it, so I wasted it. I used my second alias to explore this whole new world, learned a couple of lessons fast, and wasted it again. Now I'm at the point of no mistake. I learned rapid iteration early on and I learned how to abandon mistakes, but I have to contain the mistakes in a controllable context from now. So many things are set and can't be changed no more - I'm all set. My life is actually complete, all that is left is realization, actualization and materialization. The human part of me will surprise myself sometimes, but I feel like a machine.

It is this way because it has to be this way.

​I must remember that .

I revisited something today. It's an old game. I didn't get it at the time when I first played it, I don't know if I could understand it if I tried. Now I know it's made for some peers and not a broader audience. What does it say when something you had difficulty understanding but looked up to became juvenile in 10 years? 10 years is too short. It failed. It is shocking to me, in a quiet way .  This is the truth about people. I suppose only those who can consistently impress us live on - which is fair.

I'm rambling a bit, sorry.

I don't want to see flaws, weak points, whatever. I'm the sort of person who abandons everything as soon as a critical error is found, whether it's in others or in myself. My tolerance for mistake lowers every day. I have no selfhood anymore. I live for an objectivity. That's what I realized. I have abandoned 6 selves. Relationships, histories, altogether. I do believe this is righteous and more importantly, right.  Will chasing an objectivity hinder my ability to make random, irrational actions? Will I lose my humanity because of that? No. I don't exist between objectivity and subjectivity, I'm on the extreme polar ends. The middle is completely empty. Do you know what that means?

Cold hard facts and pure fantasy. Any fluid emotions and moral laxity will become hardened and tightened over time. Is this how people grow old?

Friday, June 15, 2018

right dll fixes everything

All human progress is resulted from not accepting the reality that there is a problem. It needs to go away. Every fantasy has to come true. Anyway, it's a small thing.

What kind of parallel they wanted to draw here?

I think the curiosity phase has passed for me. Now when I hear that there is a random twisted story, I'm not really interested in listening any further. Is it... no- how is it that one can become that focused?

I liked necromancers and liches in particular, I think, because... no, that's a bit of a stretch.

Anyhow, I'd like to wake up even earlier tomorrow and on the weekend. Nightmare has been effective.

Diary, there is a lot I could tell you, but it's difficult for me to say -  you feel me?

The Carte D'Or Lemon Meringue Pie has got to be the worst flavor ice cream I have ever had. Vanilla and froyo on the other hand are superb. Sorbets are OK, too.

Why am I telling you this. There is no point. I promise I'll be serious tomorrow. But the sandbox does feel smaller.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

I don't

I denied myself Matthew Williamson because I don't deserve it at the mo, and the Boucheron box cut me. It should heal by tomorrow- hopefully.

Only in dream will one be forced to confront everybody (nearly) she hates throughout her life all at once, on a bus. I don't know. It could do with the horrible things I witnessed recently, it could be something else.

I just wish it would rain for one day. No, sunny throughout the rest of the week. I mean it's great weather but... I'm a sappy person.

Oh God. No. Nothing is right. Oh God

Monday, June 11, 2018

How to eat 4 baguettes

I ordered 1 baguette and Carrefour sent me 4. I don't know why. It's impossible. I will have to give them out to the homeless won't I? There is no telling how many baguettes Carrefour has- in the thousands. I bet they made too much.

That doesn't explain why they gave me an extra bottle of milk tho. But this always happens, sometimes something is missing in which case I have to let them know to get it the next day, sometimes some items are wrong and if it's OK I'll keep it and sometimes things break and if I don't care anymore I let it slip. Nothing is exact. I don't know how it is in other countries. I don't care.

No Diary listen. I hate all E3 trailers and the games. They're so dull like OMG I can't believe it. It's the same thing over and over again. There are only 2 games in the world- the medieval one and the post-apocalypse one. You either shoot guns or hack with sword or release laser or some other colorful bright particles Unity/Unreal let's you generate. I don't know why they bother having different studios anymore. There is no difference. They make no difference. And the players don't get bored. I mean this really covers all of gaming besides kiddie cartoon indie - card game like MTG or any MMO. They could literally all take place in the same world (2 in total). It's the same dull-ass gameplay - I can't believe how far... and what gaming has devolved into. Like I said all the VR&AR shit has not matured, so I have nothing. I have nothing, Diary. I can't take it anymore. Once again I'm left with no distraction, not even hope for some distraction. Civ now feels painful, because it's random and buggy and inaccurate and in an another sense, not random enough. This whole thing just sucks.

You know what I've been catching up on news in my homeland recently and someone popped up in my head today and now I've given up on that. It's easy to enjoy masturbatory thoughts that things are getting better, but let's get real. I hated everybody I met and I honestly dislike that country. I'm not going to delude myself any longer. That place sucks which is why I left the first chance I got. I don't know why I would engage in any sort of... no. I'm done.

I'm so done, Diary. What is left in my life anymore, as a normal human being, I mean. Nothing. I know God intends to keep me focused, but I have  to deal with this... I have to get used to it.

I have to . I don't know how .


Sunday, June 10, 2018

Should I

Of course.

I had good sleep last night, despite pulling my hair out (a whole lot of it in the trash can now) over the disturbing things I read before going to bed.

Of course I have a second chance, Diary. Does that mean anyone should get a second chance? Is that why so many works solely express this idea?

Saturday, June 9, 2018


No bad dream last night - it was my own adventure, just me in an adventure. I don't member the details but thank you, God.

Friday, June 8, 2018


Yeah, men are gone. Just women now in my dream. Except one middle aged businessman or whatever. I was basically "sold" by my mother in my dream last night. I don't like where this is going.

I probably won't tell you about my dreams anymore. This sort of dream is 100 times worse than reality. I don't know why I have it.

I'll shut the windows. Fuck me. One good dream. Can I have one good dream.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

is it the same day ?

How did it devolve into this?

I was going to tell you about the dreams I had last night, but a whole day has passed... I already cussed myself so you don't have to.

But the day... the night before last night, I had a dream where I giggled, then laughed- almost laughed myself awake. I remember myself laughing uncontrollably out loud in the middle of the night. I have never had a dream like that. I wasn't laughing because I was happy, it's only because something funny happened. That is all before, of course, it turned into a nightmare.

It's amazing how I've forgotten exactly what's in those dreams. How does it work, Diary? The only thing I'm certain is, from the dreams (2) I had last night, something has become clear. Oh wait I remember! Look! Look. It's this nature history museum in Netherlands or West Germany, and there was this large, green parrot on display. It's live but its beak is crooked. Everyone knows the parrot talks, right? And somehow I got it out of the glass-paneled room that housed it, I put it on this old branch of an indoor tree, and we started talking. I was really surprised by how intelligent the parrot was. It seems I'd visit it every week and it would recognize me. And I don't exactly remember the exchange but at the end of the conversation the parrot said something really human-like... something like "you've been visiting me every week to watch me grow up, now I get to see you every week and watch you grow old." I don't know, it might sound off now but it was heart warming at the time.

But then when the museum was closing- I don't know why I stayed in a dark museum but I had doubt in my head like I was questioning the parrot being too human-like, so I hid behind the wall and listened in on staff's conversation. There were two of them and one of them was 16-17, and he said to the older dude: "it was me all-along, she doesn't know it yet."

Then I showed myself asking why he did that. So to be clear the parrot didn't say anything. It was the 16 or 17-yo who hid somewhere and parroted the parrot to talk to me. Then this young fellow said "it's because I like you, of course" and I believed him. And very quickly he turned on me. You know not to ask anything about dream logic by now. Anyway, what happened next was we had to take the elevator down and leave the building before something terrifying go down. And we went down and when the door opened, we found ourselves in this filthy. FILTHY Vietnamese or some other Southeast Asian restaurant set in... on a rundown street in Hong Kong, and he just abandoned me there. The one thing I remember most clearly about that place was the grease. Good God - everything, EVERYTHING was covered in grease. Thick, filthy, browning grease- even on the people. And the museum curator/staff/dude just took off.

And in the second part of the dream, or the second dream if you will- dad got involved somehow and made things worse. He also ruined the good dream I had the night before. I woke up today certain of the fact that I don't want to see him again. I realize- I always knew but it's refreshed that all my distrust in men originates from dad and his side of the family. I woke up today having figured out why I couldn't cry about grandfather 1's death- because he despised me like dad. I remember waking up asking myself "What sort of man would gain pleasure from beating the shit out of his own little girl?" To be honest, I never thought I'd get over how abused I was as a kid, but I thought I'd forget about it some day, and I have, in his absence. But to forgive? I just realized I shouldn't, and I won't. I vowed so many times as I stood there trying to swallow my tears and shame. I won't.

But this really defined my attitude towards men. That's the one thing I learned from all of these dreams. A nightmare can have many sources, of course, but I'm telling you.

Just a few hours ago I thought of a speech I will have to make one day. I could foresee the profound bemusement people will have - or it's just my own imagination - when I tell them how much in love my parents were, and just as they thought I had a perfect family, I tell them their love is based on my pain. They were a team and they cooperated in torturing me. Being an innocent child, or perhaps just being stupid, I saw that and was glad my parents are getting along. I put their needs before my own well being, for some reason. Perhaps that's the first sign I'm God's Saint. I'm leaning toward stupidity.

No. I'm just an oridinary child. I mean I was. I know very well I'm not alone in this. I know very well very many others have had bad dreams. But this is my realm, my own, for now. All you have to care about is me, Diary. These dreams... they actually affect me, no less than actual things that take place in day time. I don't wish I can memorize every dream so vividly as some. Oh God.

I'm unwell, Diary, but doing well. I'm well and unwell at the same time. Always. Almost always. I saw my fate that much more clearly in the past few days. I wonder if it happens to other people, too. I suppose it does. Sometimes you just see. Life is an arc and that's why I always said I won't judge anyone until they're dead. But with me, I have to do better than that. I don't know, Diary. I just mean, all we rely on is a beginning, a middle and an end. For everything. I know the sources of my nightmares, I know how it felt like and I know what conclusions I draw. Does that mean the nightmares will end? I don't think so. So every night I go to bed, I suffer. To no end.


Wednesday, June 6, 2018

I'm sorry

Diary- I'll talk to you later today. I promise.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Huge Disappointment in Philips Food Processor

Apparently you can't trust a brand for everything. I have to throw it out. Lesson learned. The way it's designed, it's impossible to clean the narrow space in the top part and it's too easy for mold to grow. It's absolutely disgusting. Can you imagine finding those little pepper-sprinkle-like mold spots on the inside? I mean, just gross. It makes me so sore to see money pouring down the drain, you have no idea. It's not like losing a bet, household items shouldn't be a risky investment. God damn. I'm so pissed.

Just another day trying to eliminate waste. Do you think I'm wasting time on these things? I think it's necessary experience. Yeah, things could've been simpler had I not bothered to learn to cook in the first place, but I feel like cooking is part of life. To see how food is made. It's nice. To have total control of what you eat. Except I didn't grow the vegetables or raise cattle myself... anyways! You know what I mean.

Friday, June 1, 2018

l u c i d l o g i c

Do you know how hard it is to obtain?

BTW, what the GDPR ordeal- I say "ordeal" because it will lead to more thorough and violent collection of people's data. You can't even use services, websites and apps without consenting to them collecting everything they want fuck this keyboard is fucked isn't it? Well fuck me, my bad for trusting Razer with all my gears. But what I mean is, right, before you could debate morals and sue for malpractices, but now people have no recourse. It's really worse than before. Of course the intentions are good, but the policy-makers fail to see that corporations can always go broader. If it's not something you can quit then you're just fucked. Pretty sweet I have it here, eh?

Well, as an advertiser, I can already expect more accurate targeting, which is nice. Ha, you thought I was going to defend GDPR for a second, didn't you? Well, like I said the intentions are good and I like good intentions- and privacy, but this isn't the way to go about doing it. You can't count on self-regulation and inaction anymore. You have to be proactive about protecting your own data. This is just another example of failed Yoropean progressive policy-making. That's just not going to cut it these days.

What do I think about Assange being held and gagged? Well, I kind of feel bad about calling him a master shit-stirrer when I read his book, or more like a memo- but I won't retract it because it's true. No assassination will happen to him because he's high profile which is nice and cool, but I honestly think it's time for WikiLeaks to re-structure & re-strategize. Find a new face and publish an issue of true scandal, something with great impact like the Panamas Papers that would highlight the organization's positive and crucial place in today's journalism which is deprived of integrity. Now is a great time for WikiLeaks to rise and thrive now that I think of it.

Politicians are busy martyring themselves. It's interesting. It only happens before the real shit. So expect an epic, glorious world war in the next 10-20 years. I'm not so sure because while I and the world's economy have changed a lot in the past decade, it was still largely stable. Maybe no war will happen again, which is cool also.

I have a lot of stuff to worry about. You're absolutely right, Diary.