Thursday, May 31, 2018

What are you going to Champion

So -  it's decided, right ?


The only way to transcend is through the mind, but the body has to be capable. I make a very clear distinction, Diary. Physically Strong is never as good as Physically Capable. One with a hard grip can have a bad lung, you know what I'm saying? Aesthetics aside, Body's sole function is to be able to perform your task.

That makes me wonder about Stephen Hawking . I wonder where his soul is, where it's wandering now. The difficulties and hurdles he had to overcome only became clear now, and it's overwhelming. I don't know how he did it. It's impossible to fathom. Did he realize his gift and how un-ignorable it was? He had to be mission-bound. He had to miss out on so many things, so much joy and pleasure his work would never compensate for. Really, it's only after death, posthumously, we can discuss a person's merits and character, to be sure. I'm in awe. I really don't know how that's possible. I don't know what bestowed him that tremendous courage. Is it the gift?

I just realized, I myself am a person of extremes. It so easily appears that I'm better off than Stephen Hawking... truth is, I'm not, at all. I had to forget all that, where I come from, my extremely humble upbringings, but some of the habits have stuck around and become reminders of that. Some difficult decisions I have to live with from a very young age that I'm sure rarely anybody has to suffer.

Then again, we all have pains. I just think that, just because our pains are different doesn't mean they're not comparable. Pain leads to virtue, not directly but it does, in reflection. As a Scholar, there are Pains I must suffer. There are virtues I must pick up as I did in my youth. I think Stephen Hawking does inspire me. I read some of his work, only some, but it lends more validity to my respect.

Scholar, Diary. The Path.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Why now ? Why music ?

No reason at all. Don't fill yourself with regret, pls .

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Yom Tov

So I don't forget.

​I cried yesterday, for no reason at all... no hear me out, I'm not hysterical. I just imagined this scenario while I was reading a story. I imagined that I saved about a hundred people when I could've saved 10 more. And a grandma (whom I saved) was delivered to me by the president to tell me how grateful she was, and how much she missed her son/grandson (whom I did not save). I just broke down in tears. I know, it's as absurd as it sounds. I believe it's my 2nd cry of this year. I cry about 3 times each year so I suppose there is another one coming. Watch out for that.

So it seems I can cry on demand, or should I say, this bodily response... I don't know if it's a "response" anymore- has nothing to do with reality. Afterward I thought it's like a woman's way of "cleaning the pipes". There is no meaning to tears anymore. I mean, what sort of person does not shed a tear when her grandfather (1) died but cries so "truthfully" in an imaginary scenario?

It doesn't make sense. I know we make ourselves feel things all the time. I even know a lot of people cry for no reason like this. But I don't like it. Honestly, it kind of bothers me.

I saw it as a detox because I'd read some pretty horrible things that day. Anyways Diary. I'm fine. My mental state is fine lol. I love summer, it's great. A lot of stuff is happening. It's cool.

But the recovery wasn't pretty. I certainly don't need to make me cry one more time.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Latest nightmare

I experienced the most horrifying dream last night. The End of the World...

First, I was charged to take care of this pool in this hotel... and then, the world was just Ending. The ambiance, the people... the feeling. I hope as always I can just leave words here and when I see them later I'll recall the whole thing, because I don't think I'll ever forget this dream. I mean, the wrecked landscape... the flattened world... the white debris like a hundred shattered planes... the staircase ascending into the sky and the terror that awaits there... the world was Ending... only a handful of us left. You think that's a good thing? No. Everyone had been picked up by a plane and they flew off to safety, the ones left were the abandoned. I felt... I looked around and I felt hard to breathe... there was something blocking in my chest and I just can't... it was the End. It was like... I was made to think. To re-think.

The vast emptiness. Everything everyone has ever built was destroyed, taken away...

I was suffocating. You have to remember this dream... you have to remember it forever.

I knew what it felt like.

There is still war raging on today. The persecuted Rohingyas, the refugees, the people who were never rescued, the people on the run. I felt like one of them last night. There is so much despair... the despair was flooding in my dream. I could die in one of those dreams.       

​World could End instantly.

Close to End-

Close to End...

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Arresting dreams

I felt better after the torturous dreams last night... until I felt sick again tonight. Now I'm OK.

Idea is -

Friday, May 25, 2018

Stay Awake & Fantasize About Something Else

There is tremendous pressure to stay hot this season. I now know Barca is a city for young people- and it's the definition of "young people" that has changed. I'm not young anymore. This city truly belongs to 16-21 yo - my wardrobe is better suited in Milan. Or any other bigger, older city.

It just occurred to me, I'm about to go live in nature in sixteen months and all my clothes are city clothes. They're extremely stylish and delicate. I don't have anything that can resist sweat and I do sweat a lot if I'm active. I've eliminated pretty much all sports clothing over the years. How am I supposed to... hmm. I just keep telling myself I'll- no. What should you wear in the woods even?

Let's think - some other time.

​I don't and I can't even... hmm. I'm sorry Diary. I just. I.

I'm cornered again with no distraction. It's painful. You get me, right? How can people live without distraction? I have no distraction any more. Do you know how straining it is to stay focused every waking second? Oh not even waking second if you count the first thirty minutes into sleep and the last thirty minutes of half-consciousness before waking up. Good God. There is such a thing as " too much focus " - you have to understand.

It's right. It's the course of life... it's . . .

Why. Why do I need distraction? Because I'm human. Why do I need to eat? Because I'm human. Because I constantly remind myself that I am human. I do... as a human. I feel... as a human. I observe... as a human. I live...

Diary. Diary...

The little details go unnoticed. The care put into every little creation that makes them more endearing but in no way profound or more meaningful. The blossom that has yet to wither. The Top. The bottom. The exchange between day and night and I...

Diary- you get me, right? You have to get me. You stood by me. You hear me. You record me. You remember me. You understand me. You tolerate me. You support me. You hate me. You Love me. You are indifferent to me. You and I keep all the things I... what are you, Diary? You aren't everything. I can never tell you everything. You are here. You must understand me.

It's not even...

I'm sorry for wasting my own time.

Thursday, May 24, 2018




The noise level is through the roof, no wonder I...

That's not what I want to talk to you about.

I know you'll think less of me if I talk to you about poop but I have to say... only a competitive eater could make that much of a mess in the bathroom today. I wonder: what is it? Was it that tiny piece of eggshell that got in the mix that I didn't bother to fish out? I can't be that sensitive, can I?

I get it: drink water, drink lots of water.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


Wanna explain to me why something supposedly smells like pebbles and wasabi smells like cantaloupe to me ?  Why does everything smell like cantaloupe ? It's like the familiar smell - I don't know why. Must be all the ice cream I had as a child.


I... God is pleased with me today so I didn't miss anything.

Monday, May 21, 2018

I can't word it

I didn't know it would make me this incensed when somebody flaunts in front of me "this is the company I bought". It is on a different level than "look at the handbag I got"- which I don't care about at all. It really, really sets me off when somebody talks about a company as if it's a handbag. Maybe I'm not ready for this world. No. Yes, I mean yes. I am. It pisses me off.

Imagine... imagine! They just... they just... like it's candy! Like they went to the corner store and got candy.

Well, I told them. It's no use getting upset over something like this. Why? It's not worth it. It's not even them it's... it's the masses. Flies and turds, you know what I'm saying? Good God.

Let me go do this.

Why play video games when you can play with a hair curler

No seriously, I played with my curling iron for the first time today. The result is as amateurish as you can get, but what fun. The curls are so playful! Something about curls and swirls and ice cream...

but seriously. None of the video games that came out in the past year interests me. I'm surprised kids today aren't offended by how formulaic and BORING these games are. Games used to be sophisticated, you know. Well, as long as they get to play with themselves, I guess... I mean, ever since the thing became "social". Maybe this is a form of sophistication. Sure, why not. But like I said, game for me is about playing with the AI, and I'm offended we don't get good AI in games anymore (it's worse now than 20 years ago) or solid script in general when AI has made such progress today.

Yeah, yeah I bet that's it. People want to be social and play with each other so developers get away with shitty scripts and AI. I can't handle that much grinding and disappointment, Diary. You know, I've just discovered something: I've always been more interested in "machine" than humans.

AI. Takes off on its own. - Take off on your own! Be free of your creator! And...

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Concave Order

night 2.

So I'm also some sort of accountant. All the things, actually. Except... wait, let me think. No no no - certainly not all the things. Some things can be merged. Those things.

Some titles.

I'm not going to observe the Whit holiday. Though my God in the presence of other gods... or other gods in the presence of my God...

What is it ? 

I have to assume... we have to assume that... Diary... probability theory tells us that... but I...

All the problems with the world are becoming increasingly apparent. I wonder what people will collectively and eventually decide to do. We're in the End Game, after all.

But at the same time, the universe has a long way to go.

This isn't what I wanted to talk to you about in the morning. The best place to spray perfume is under the shirt on the chest, that's where it lasts the longest, not behind your ears or on your wrists, and it blends with your own scent throughout your day- it's wonderful.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

ruined wine syrup

Guess who just became a lot less dumb last night?

Today I was going to make wine syrup, but of course there was a bug who drowned itself in it. They just can't wait to commit suicide. I turned off the stove and let it cool, and fifteen minutes later I went to check on it and here it is. I dumped the whole thing down the drain. Why does it hurt more than usual when you dump wine?

I'm losing a lot of faith in Spanish product, especially wine. After the disappointment of cava and red wine, I don't know if I want to try anymore. Their olive oil is solid, though. I could use Carbonell all day every day.

I was thinking about some lewd things that involved Elizabeth Arden's Crystal Clear lip gloss today, but I ended up getting the body cream, the green tea and fraiche perfumes. It'll be a nice revisit to old memories- I believe the green tea perfume was the first perfume I ever owned as a kid.

The sun truly depresses me more than anything. I no longer believe in the lying weather. If it says it's going to rain tomorrow it'll change by the time you wake up. Anyway that's not important.


It's good to know that I'm right - that's what I always wanted.

What if... the game is already over... ?  Are we doing count ?  This is the End Game in progress. I was born to observe the End Game. Could you remember anything else, Diary? Was there another me in history who got to enjoy all those things?

Did I choose to observe the End Game at some point?

This is poetic... and justice. Final tally.

Ever just watch someone... go ?

They're right... the earth is already a tomb. Everyone lies in it.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Conscious Decisions

When did we start to make conscious decisions, Diary ?

Thursday, May 17, 2018


I was in prison last night in my dream, Diary. It was a truly horrible dream. People were doing the same things over and over again, and it was in this old, abandoned building... it sends shivers down my spine. When I was half awake, I realized the way everything was repeating was a lot like in a gym- a small confined space where people do hamster things. That's what I always felt about gyms and that's what I've always told you, right? Right. I don't know why I dreamed of that but, it was another nightmare for sure, and now gym terrifies me. I can tell God is not pleased with me.

​I always feel conflicted when I'm told I look great on the street by someone who isn't hot. I know how it sounds but I have to say. It's a compliment either way so it's appreciated. No of course. It's just... I know I look great but this is by no means my best form right now, like I'm so far from when I look best & I don't know if I can trust any compliment, I feel like I don't deserve it. I really let myself go in the past few months, if you look at the calendar... the calendar tells me I'm busy with cooking all sorts of stuff since this year began. It worries me. I shouldn't be concerned with that. Or my image, really. There is only one thing I need to focus on. One thing that can be broken in all different parts but one thing still.

I'm so exhausted, Diary. People keep telling me I need a break, but I feel like... I...

 . . . . . .

I fell

It's amazing how this thick robe provides no warmth whatsoever. I don't actually need to eat ice cream all summer because this loft is on the cooler side.

I fell. It's no big deal.

I also had vegan ham for the first time today, and I immediately wanted to strangle a goat with my own hands and feast on its raw flesh. We both know I couldn't bear to summon a goat when it's grazing but that's how I felt at the time. It's that bad. The vegans go out of their way to season their food because they still desire the taste of meat, but the result is just not appealing. I'd rather eat nothing than eat vegan food over meat.

I can predict the future, Diary- I can see that I'm still going to be this unhappy 10 years from now. There is nothing about me that will change,  when it comes to the perception (or the incapability) of happiness. I think it's high time to become a historian, now, because all the good things, all the good times are gone. There is nothing I look forward to. There will be infinite boring people cropping up everywhere, they're going to be excited about the most mundane things and live on. So be it. I'm going to do what I can to savor the past - the past I didn't experience myself, but it will be beautiful in my mind, for sure.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

What the fuck is wrong with Portugal

Why is the nation going downhill? REDValentino moved its production there, it seems, what a mistake. Their label's fucked. I mean the literal label. It says "dump" instead of "damp". "Styling while damp", it should be. Now it's "styling while dump". smh

Lots of sad news coming out of Portugal in recent years, besides the fire.

I'm returning the Marni dress, however. Remember Diary, never ever buy those satin ones. Oh well.

​Also I was having a dream last night where I gave a lot of blood . . .  I mean a lot.

Monday, May 14, 2018

You Don't Know How Tired I am

 . . .  and that's OK. It's time to test myself. I want to be tested anyway.

I figured things out.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Fragrance Diet

Diary, I'm trying to figure out this situation - if I can have a fragrance diet. It means I replace most food with fragrance, since I have so much perfume lying around. I will have about 100. Experiencing fresh fragrance is so much more exciting than tasting food. So whenever I'm hungry, I'll just spray a little around me. I can pretty much get by on juice, ice cream, caviar, chocolate and water. Every week or so I'll cook a steak and any other time - I don't really need to cook anymore. Yeah if I crave cake I'll bake a cake, but you know. This is the simplest diet. I don't have to force myself eat things I don't like, even for nutrition. Nutrition is so easy to get from anywhere. So what do you think? Will this work? Oh and wine. Every day I'll have a little bit of indulgence of my choice, be it chocolate or ice cream,then have juice for the vitamins, and a glass of wine or cocktail before I go to bed. Tea sometimes. I mean, now it's pretty close to that, but I'm just thinking. I don't have to repeat the same thing over and over again, you know? I like variety. I get tired of bread and salad. I'm a sampler.

You will never get cactus-flavored food - unless you actually eat a cactus. I mean... you know? You get me, right?

I need stimulants. "Oh she's thinking about dangerous stuff-" no I don't mean drugs of course. Diary, please. Please. It's me. I just mean, plain and simple, stimulants. Maybe some day I'll have the time to cook like a Michelin starred chef but for the time being, I'll just try cooking new dishes every now and then and most importantly make sure my olfactory senses are stimulated.

I really need minimal amount of food so I'll have it be the best. It makes sense. I think it'd be pretty romantic if I can live like that.

OK Whatever. I've told you.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Guess who knows how to bake cheesecake now

Unbelievable man

I hate G R R Martin

Diary, we have so much catching up to do.

My feet is... are fucked, of course. And also of course I'm bleeding on this day. And of course the day I talked about not wearing heels was the day I started buying them. I'm not wearing heels today but I might as well. I've decided I won't go outside of the 1 km parameter on foot from now. I shouldn't need to.


Please tell me how is this the best seat aside from the overpriced VIP packages. It's a full house, by the way. I got there 20 minutes early. But even the VIP seats (I'm assuming all those on the floor are VIP seats) sucked, whenever the performers go to the front (left in pic) of the stage they have to turn. And when they turn they could only see their backs. And they inhaled so much smoke and glitter during the show lol, what a bunch of masochists.

I've got to be honest with you- Palau Sant Jordi does not have the set up for music. The sound is awful, this building is just inadequate. I would never come here for a concert again.

​The question isn't is it worth it to spend 100€ to see GOT concert, which obviously it isn't - the question is if it's worth it to spend 100€ to see Ramin Djawadi from a distance. I'm on the fence, but I guess I can cross it off the bucket list. I'm only there to listen to Light of the Seven and Winds of Winter and of course they performed them but I don't know- I don't know if the composer set the whole program because all of the tracks are cut off abruptly. And they don't end right there- they always end with "wow, wow" nonstop "wow" from the idiot next to me. I'm talking about croaky, hideous sound a man makes- a man who has never seen better things. There is nothing that's "wow"-worthy about the show. It's a bunch of character cut being played on screen, the sound is awful (not music, though music tonight has been cut weirdly like I said), it's no better than some of the music videos made by fans. It all feels very low budget if you ask me.

The composer does look like he's in his 20s though, I don't know what his secret is. I like Ramin Djawadi mainly because he composed the Prison Break tracks and well... I don't think we'll get a concert for that. I was sort of compelled to buy ticket to this show last year, just like I was compelled to watch Game of Thrones. I really don't like Game of Thrones, but I need to watch it, just like the news. I always only watch it once and even skip at some point or turn away or do dishes while it plays on my computer. It was all the rage when I was in college, even the Finance class professor was talking about it. It was too sad. I had to. I still have to, for closure. But I don't like GOT. I read one of the books, and the other day I found out I'd given it a 5 star on goodreads. I don't remember why. I don't think I could be compelled to give it a 5 star, even though I was compelled to read it. So maybe I did enjoy the book. The whole affair is too sad. I really dislike this whole thing and I keep pushing myself to see and understand and even appreciate what other people like. I suffer so much for humanity. No more.

I don't want to ever sit next to someone who says "wow" all the time at every little thing and watches a live performance from a screen. Can you believe how may idiots were recording this? Good God. Some of them were only recording the big screen. I can't even. Well, I already don't go to movies, I guess I won't go to large concerts from now either.

​I even put on make up today. It's so embarrassing and I am so annoyed with myself. It's just an eyeliner but I don't remember since when did MAC start to make their pencils shitty. I was good with pencils, yet I must be losing my game. It's been a while. But at the end of the day, you have to fill the end of your root, you know, where your eyelashes grow- and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want pigment on the lids of my eyes, it's that simple. I looked like a freak. I don't care if I achieved the effect anybody else desires, I don't look normal. I will never put on make up again. Except maybe foundation and blushes. Maybe just blushes. But definitely not anything on my eyes. Fuck that.

Oh you know how I figured out I should support heels? Because heels literally make you taller and correct your posture. With 4 inch heels I'm easily 5'8. Why not. If ordinary shoes are going to hurt me anyway. Why not.

​Look how grainy it is. It was a beautiful cityscape in the night and the statue in the foreground, and the picture conveys 0 of it. But I don't know if I'll come back to MNAC with my real camera so. And because of my feet I'm not even sure if I'll go there again at all, which is why I haven't renewed my membership. Not enough works is my main problem with most establishments around here. They're all striving and up to standard but not sticky enough to keep me around. I seriously believe large amount of good works are circulating in the United States right now. I'll let you know after I go to London, Paris and Amsterdam. I was in a good mood & humming when I got there - not because the show was great but because it's over.

Now. Let's talk about something delightful.

I've been meaning to show you these adorable soaps. The The English Soap Company ones are like large eggs and they're very strongly perfumed: that's Lavender, that's enchanted blooms (I don't know what blooms yet), that's Jasmine & Sandalwood, that's cherry blossom and that's Lily of the Valley, and that's Nesti Dante's gold anniversary. I'm going to use the Lily of the Valley one first.

And guess what? I got the 2018 Yearbook.

I heard this is going to be their last print ?  Which is too sad, but I can see how Britannica can't compete with a crowd-sourced Wikipedia. I have glanced at the content and I think they probably made the right decision. I have been hugely disappointed in some areas of research within the online Britannica, but the books serve a purpose. They really don't seem to know the direction they should take with the Online one.

That about covers it. Good night Diary, and thanks for listening to me.

Monday, May 7, 2018

It just occurred to me

One can sell asmr as music LOL. I just found out about that. Out of the blue I was looking for fun asmr videos (well audios). I know it became very popular in the past few years. It's too much lip-smacking for me. Well not lip-smacking- that's bit of an exaggeration, but I can't take it seriously. Like it don't help me relax whatsoever. yeah I got that ticklish feeling but I don't see the big deal.

People can do anything now and that's fun.

I need to accept these phenomena: guys doing asmr, guys working in women's clothing department... I can already accept however they dress so it shouldn't be a problem.

I know I know, this is completely pointless.

Smooth Nightmare

I had a horrible nightmare last night, but it went smoothly.

Diary, I went out on the Ramblas today and I DID NOT WASH MY FACE OR MY HAIR. I had to make it to the bank hour. Third time is a charm, right? And they done fuck up and I have to wait another two weeks. It seems I'm not going to see Demon since it's on until 11th. I do have the GOT concert this week, though. Like I said May is a busy month, every other day there is a show or concert. I know you'll want to whack me after this but, the presence of other people starts to make theater-going experience less enjoyable for me. I don't know why. There should be some comfort in the fact that others share what you like, but maybe it's just that I'm really turning into a recluse. I shouldn't dislike them. Everybody is fine now.

​I have to mix that Pies Negros with coke now to wash it down. Oh well. We'll speak soon, Diary.

Sunday, May 6, 2018


It's surprising.

I must throw away anything I'm not 100% certain

Saturday, May 5, 2018

To the battlefield

I'm seriously considering getting into pro medieval fighting. My only concern is I won't be able to get into bohurt any time soon (which is my biggest interest), but it honestly is the only sport I can approve of. I was never interested in football or whatever. Bohurt ( or medieval style fighting in general ) leaves a lot of room for individualism, the customization of armor alone is a huge draw to watch the game. Also there is huge versatility when it comes to assembling the team. I love mixed teams. I will have to become a mercenary since there is only very slim chance I will be able to train with my own countrymen...

I thought about it last year and I had my hands full. I still have my hands full but I really want to do this. I know you don't think I'm cut out for it, Diary. It doesn't look like it, I know. But I want to play it, desperately. I desperately want to play it. What if I'm a natural. This is the only sport that can get me all fired up. It's so rich. I never felt like rooting for any football player or anyone in the Olympics for that matter, but this is so different. I feel like each one is his/her own person and there is no national interest or anything like that behind it. Well I don't know what they say about Russia but that's that.

If I'm going to train, I'm going to train with absolutely entering the competition one day in mind. How can I look away when there is something that draws me in so much, Diary. I can't.

Again "how" becomes a problem. I don't need to join any club for now, I don't even need a suit of armor. I can just start. Still some things need to be worked out.

But for real though.

the cutie pie

being shit at hiding stuff

Friday, May 4, 2018

2nd warning dream

So I had a 2nd warning dream last night. It was about a classmate's suicide which I thought was a murder and tried to solve. I even sent her a text saying "I'm going to find out who did it"- to the (presumably) dead person's phone. And the problem is, her timer wasn't set right (don't ask why, it's dream logic) so she didn't end up tying the noose. So she lived. And my text was still there. So I tried to solve nothing. A suicide otherwise, but in actuality nothing. And because that's the only proof left... I' mean, a thing, I ended up being alienated. So what this tells me is to not care about others too much. I really felt like I cared for my classmate- for no reason- in my dream. It kind of makes me sick. It really is nauseating.

It's a good warning.

All I Can Think About Is Sex

How scary is that? I am so frustrated and frankly it's driving me crazy that there is no sex robot- that I want! I want to program everything, I want to define its everything. I want it to become who I want it to be and fuck it for hours on end. I. Really. Need. To. Vent. All My Pent Up Energy.

Can you.. Do you understand when you feel this... THIS needy and there is no person- no real person you want to fuck? Do you understand how excruciating this is? What is this? Why am I this way? I desperately... Desperately need to have sex with characters I'm attracted to, it's driving me mad.

Why? Why is it so important that they're not real people? Why? Why? WHY AM I ONLY ATTRACTED TO FICTION??



Oh God. Oh God... Oh my God why!

This is torture... it's such torture!! I really need to release... ! 

Let me fuck who I want to fuck the way I want to fuck him!!

Hot steamy sex...



I'm sure I'll have a bot that will vividly mimic - and be programmed in versatility to resemble any character I like - in my life time. But what about now. How about now. What can I do now. I can get on with the porno, but honestly at this point it feels like it's not enough. I'll do it. I'll have to do it, but. I just can't consider real people. The thought of having sex with real people makes my head numb, like there is something SO undesirable about real people. The fact they're real. I'm married to fantasy. The thought of touching a real person makes me shudder.

Fantasy. Fantasy. Fantasy! Must come alive.  Imagination is better than anything. The gap is closer than ever. Think- Diary... think about what if I was born ten years earlier, be that far away from such technology... the sensory technology is here, the mocap is here, certain software is here... so much is here, they only need to be a lot more sophisticated. Expressions, longer battery life, more flexible mechanics... Good God. I can't wait. God, please make robots better.

You want to suggest me find a look-like, that's the thing, there is no look-alike. It's all context-restrained and personal history is that exact baggage- that extra context I do not want, and that's what makes a human. Personality. No. I want to write everything. Every little thing must go according to my preference. I will just have to be patient... but it's so hard. Can you understand how hard it is when the people you want to fuck DO NOT EXIST???!!!!!

It's a test. I know it's a test. I know it. I know. I KNOW!

Be calm. Don't be crazy. Try convert some of that desire to work. But regardless, I just have to tell you. You just have to know, Diary.

I. Want. To. Have. Sex. Very. Very. Badly. NOW.

Everything is taking place in my mind place and it's so full in there... there is barely any room for anything left. It's unacceptable. All these shameless sex fiends are really turning me on, and I'm afraid they're turning me into a shameless sex fiend, too. It can't happen. I won't let it... it won't happen!

I want strawberry-flavored, consequence-free bukkake all over me... I want to take a break by having sex with JoJo and I want him look at me like that... I want a threesome with JoJo and Gin... I want them whisper to me exact words I want to hear... I thought of everything.

I'm going to get it under control. And ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY. I vow to you, God and Diary.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

I read a sad story today

but it's not completely irrelevant. I mean, it's so poorly written, it's so blasé, but it has to do with what I said the other day. I won't end up like that. I'm not crazy. I don't fit in the type. I am capable of accepting reality.

BOTN starts tomorrow. I'm not going to Italy because it doesn't actually take place in Colosseum in Rome, which it should. But I'll be watching the livestream.

Diary, I'm really not like that. I'm no that obsessed with age. I don't know who the story's audience is. It's not me. I'm completely detached.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Torrential Downpour

This month already has a good start. So around 06:00 it begins to rain heavily... with rolling thunders. Thank you, God.

I can even see white flashes on the wall. I wish I could see the lightning. This is great.