Saturday, March 31, 2018


I realized in order to "explore" out of your comfort zone, you have to have a comfort zone to begin with. My priority isn't to try anything any more dangerous, but to create a comfort zone. I look at the people on the street, and I suddenly realize they were all born with a comfort zone. A very big comfort zone. Their grandfathers paid the price so they can take it for granted. I realize I can no longer sympathize with some of them- even characters I found I could connect with. The pool is getting... yet smaller.

Am I selfish, Diary? Am I wrong? I will no longer ask for anyone's understanding, because I, I understand it's impossible. But I understand them. I feel them. And I don't accept this.

Friday, March 30, 2018

I will never stop asking...

Now I think the best outcome for humanity is everybody living a parallel universe, so to speak, indulging their own fantasy.

There are a a thousand questions I will never stop asking. I wonder why. I wonder what it is.

You realize how important the "now" is. It's the reality we're experiencing. I wonder how rapidly what we have is going to get outdated. Will anything we consider controversial today be even something to consider in 10 years? We don't get to judge "past generations"- this is a mass self-reflection process in progress. Things within us change. We change. So...

More and more people will have to confront existential crisis, cause it strikes faster than ever, it gets closer than ever, and as long as you pay attention to things around you, there is no escape. I'm comfortable with it. I'm going to do the opposite: extract myself from the company of people and place myself in a place that makes me happy. I will enjoy some privacy. I will have peace and quiet.

But something is missing... even now, I feel like something is missing...

What other being

The idea of "changing the world" has become a cruel joke recently. I don't know what to make of it. Every one who claimed they can "cure" people all carry that hubris, as they said. It's true.

I always return to the point that... who am I to take charge of other people's well-being?

It was no less true when we all had less. We may save a life if we want to, but do keep in mind that, their lives are not ours to save. Of course, more often than not, you will find people who want to be helped, who want to be saved. They will not turn down cash, they will not turn on warmth and they will not turn down companionship. That too, of course, is understandable.

But again... who am I to take charge of others' well-being? If others signaled the need for help, then I have a choice to make. Otherwise... I should not. I should be aware of the consequence of getting involved in other people's life, and I shouldn't be playing a big part, an important role without knowing.

Is this cruelty, or respect?

I feel like we all want specific things, but that's just my own reflection. What I hear is radically different. People will accept money, and they say money is fungible, a dollar is a dollar, in the abstract I get it, but why do I assign meaning and significance to where and whom I get it from? I used to think one's depth is defined by how much they can contain contradictions and make sense of them. I don't know what to think now.

Even the one holding the greatest purpose can feel purposeless sometimes. Can you... Can I forgive it? Can I understand it? Can I accept it?

No doubt, my Context Net has expanded a bit. But I'm still far from reaching the Grand Context, if you will. I met so many creations in the abstract, all someone's brainchild.

I haven't experienced catharsis in a while. It seems like it's all I'm doing, but why do I still feel this way? Each day is a contradiction of the previous, but it never repeats. It's never the same. Even "similar" feels strangely apart. I am constantly rewriting the words of yesterday and changing my thought. On anything and absolutely everything. Somehow there is stability and consistency in this uncertainty. I don't know.

I said I felt the chill last night, and today it was summer outside and people were wearing t shirt.

No matter.

Where am I?

When is this?

The one question I will not ask is Who am I. I know that all along. It's all the other things... nearly all the other things I have to ask. I still view the world like a neanderthal does, I still believe in divine power and love and fear it and wonder about it like the earliest faithfuls. Did my brain not evolve? I'm not oblivious to all the breakthroughs we've made in the years I've lived on this planet. What is it, then?

I believe people tend to act recklessly when they're on the brink of something. Perhaps attaining everything. The Dream of humanity is getting dried up.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

a toast to joseph seed

My understanding is that, the Doomsday cult of his isn't a "brace yourself for Doomsday" cult but a "let's cause Doomsday" kind of cult, and as per Far Cry's tradition, these people are fucking terrorists. It don't matter what belief you have if you've got nukes.

I mean, once again, Uber-Ubisoft got me. They got me good. I'm not saying the company is all good, it could've been a coincidence that they "get" me so much. Maybe they're sensing the restlessness in the masses, maybe they notice that deep down inside, everyone wants to be done with it all. So they made the villain live (and right) this time. I mean, I don't know fully about the planning behind this, but the apocalypse scene was exactly, no listen I mean EXACTLY like how I fantasized about one hundred times over. And the graphics in this game is just... I mean, I know it's going to be topped, but right now this is the one doing the topping. I can never get over the nuke scene and how good it was. It's my dream, Diary. I want that to happen- to actually happen. That's like the best case scenario. The fact that it took place in Montana and having to do with these redneck cultists that I can't relate to at all doesn't even matter. I want it. And this being made tells me there are tons of people out there who want it. Else they wouldn't be making this game.

But euphoria aside, I reflect again upon my decision to not stay in the US of A. I know I was right. It's such a crass yet delicate place. I noticed the edgy memes in the game, including subtle weapon descriptions. I noticed the shift in political climate in 2013, more so in 2014, and I left. And I can't even imagine living there now. It's not the change, it's just being revealed that Americans have always been that way. Maybe there is no such thing as a "big melting pot", maybe if you mix oil, blood and water, and stir and shake well, they will still segregate. It's hell. It's a hellish place. I remember living in Portland. I was so uncomfortable with the fake "openness". I couldn't take it. Even if you genuinely believe a lie, it is still a lie. I wasn't interested in lying to myself. There is too much at stake.

Damn it, Diary. We should ignore the loudest, the most blatant things. I was staring at the ceiling last night and this morning, and I was just thinking how incredibly our perceptions, emotions and wits are limited by history, context and language. We are always in this little box. Always. Always. The history they made makes us, and our history makes future, but all of it is so short, narrow, and minimized. Our potential is never fully realized.

I don't know if I have an "all or nothing" mentality, but I know this despair I'm constantly feeling isn't on a positive side. The fact that we've managed to hold the switch for so long is amazing.

It's the end of March (I haven't listened to Waters of March yet, kudos to me) and I'm still shivering. This is the type of thing you have to find out for yourself. I will never listen to anyone raving about the Mediterranean weather ever again. What kind of fucking weather is this. It makes me depressed. I have to pray for rain like an ancient priest. Give me seasons. I will not live on the coast again, I'm telling you. Give me a place with discernible seasons, damn it. I would rather it be snowing outside and me burning logs of wood at my fireplace than this chilly uncomfortableness.

Maybe I don't like middle ground after all. Maybe I'm thinking too much. If you interview someone- anyone on the street, they will appear to be "wise" in the middle ground about everything. All the could-be would-be should've-been, I hate it. I hate when people are mushy and not assertive. I like extremes. Which is why I like Joseph Seed, probably, and every well fleshed-out villain I've ever seen.

And not that mute. In order to make the player feel like it's "you", they choose to make the protagonist mute. That way you can imagine you speak any language, take on any gender, look however you look, and it doesn't work at all. It's almost as lazy as eliminating dialog animation and put everything through the fucking radio.

We don't pay attention to the silent ones. We pay attention to those who speak. Which is why players find more sympathy in the villains, which is (at least part of) why this franchise is going this direction in the first place. Why did people like Vaas? He was crazy, yes, but compared to "you", he was also the one doing the thinking. While "you" are going around the island hacking and slashing, Vaas actually has a character and thinks about insanity. In Far Cry 4, "you" are just a puppet of the leaders of the Golden Path while Pagan Min is this leader of a nation. That is why people were clamoring to join the side of the King and I assume why the villain got his way in Far Cry 5. The villains feel more real than the player's self, who again, I can't stress enough, is only and always a receptor of ideas and a brute mute.

I'm never going to be happy. That's cool. That's OK. I have accepted it long ago. I often thought it would've been better if I was fiction, too, and not real. It sounds cowardly, I know. One scene that gives me chills was when you took the "leap of faith" from the tall statue, and you land and you see these dead people scattered about. The nuke scene was fine. Like I said, I loved the ending. The nukes warmed my heart. But the leaping scene, the people who jumped and died and their blood- that one was harrowing. I guess it's the illusion of hope that frightens me.

People often criticize nihilists for all sorts of reasons, but it's not something you can escape. When you are in a bad place, and you are reminded of the have-nots, it's as if you are sitting in a bottomless pit, and all around you is darkness and the speck of light is so far away and unreachable. If you reached enlightenment, everything becomes flat and the difference between your current state and the before is erased, and you see not only there is no difference in good and evil, there is not even difference in wisdom and ignorance either- no, I should say, there is no difference wisdom or ignorance can make- and you despair. So many things can lead to despair, but so few can lead to happiness, which I have yet to get a taste of. Yes that's right, I was wrong for a second, of course there is difference, massive difference between good and evil, ignorance and wisdom, but the fact that they don't enact, they themselves don't have any effect, can't make any change on anything of import, renders them utterly meaningless.

How do you not return to the start of the loop if it's also the end? It just is, it's just being itself, and it's so cold in here.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Ocean Waves

LinkedIn is fairly useless.

It feels so draining at this point. All innovations are being used to make cute little things, just wholly pointless useless little things. It's frustrating. But I yearn for some brilliance to spark by my contemporaries, like so badly. Something of significance. Something not cute, but profound. I now know that is too much to ask.

I fear that unless I fix my despair, I will continue to be unproductive. I am too disappointed in myself as well. Like, I can't do it alone. But I can. I have to. I must.

Maybe it's time to cut ties again, just so I don't have to deal with so much disappointment. Everything is disappointing... so I can only look back. And do it myself.

It rained for a couple of hours today, but that was it.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Premeditated Everything

It rained all day and my heart is filled. But I'm still depressed, and I wish to find out exactly what it is that depresses me and articulate about it to you.

For starters, I think there are too few things I like about modern society anywhere. I don't like the "mode" of everything. It all feels very hindering to me. It doesn't promote excellence, and we are all forced to drown in mediocrity. I'm swimming in bullshit terms. Just... everything just seems coarse and not very organized, you know?

Friday, March 23, 2018

Raw Egg

Sometimes I forget what I was going to say. Actually, more than "sometimes"...

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

High Energy Shows

I've been trying to figure out this ninja situation and I think finally I have. Youth between 8-17 is a very large, very neglected base. You can't swamp them with politics, they don't yet care about that, thank fuck, so it's entertainment. There simply aren't enough products and entertainment varieties for them which is why they have so much time and money to spare. Even I could've afforded Twitch prime subscription back then as an impoverished kid. So it's no wonder. Good for them.

Then I realized, even as an adult, no matter how calm and cool (not very much but sometimes) I think I am, I need high energy entertainment, too. I mean, it's so enlightening. It's what Survivor is to me. It's a very high energy show. I mean, you put people out there and compete in very physical challenges, you subject them to elements, there are dramatic tribal councils with very dramatic music going on in the background, and the facial expressions. It's a little more sophisticated than what kids like, but like I said, I'm an adult and that's the whole point. I do believe that most people eventually grow out of cartoon, low-res games and anime, but the odd thing is, it's those who don't that provide the kids with entertainment.

I tried my damn hardest to remember what retarded things I liked as a kid. There wasn't streaming in those days, obviously, but I really can't say I liked anything I would now roll my eyes at. In fact it's hard to remember if I enjoyed any meaningless activity at all. I always walked around with a heavy heart, which now may seem absurd, except I haven't changed. Is it sad? It's sad, right? Why am I unable to enjoy popular things?

Anyway, I am completely missing out on the fun of watching someone else play the game. The whole Let's Play, stream, skin/loot box scams, I am totally not into it. I can't even play MMO. Game for me really is killing time with the AI, and surprisingly nowadays AI is shit. I mean, I guess you can rely on other people if you're playing a MMO, but in that way you're relying on other people's intelligence... and that's a wild card, you know what I'm saying?

I don't even feel like I've benefited from 3D printing and stuff. These neat innovations have nothing to do with me which is why I feel so detached.

Speaking of which.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Sorry, Tom

So I used to buy myself domain names as birthday present just because they're unique. Today "Tom" wrote to ask if one of them is up for sale because he wants to start a website or something. I tried to reply but then I discovered that it would actually come from my email and the whole WHOIS protection would be for nothing. I have no way to let Tom know other than renewing it for another 2 years. Hopefully he sees the update in the record.

There are a lot of new TLDs being offered in recent years, but the short .com names are still pretty precious. I've let a few go but I like them. I don't know why "bitmaid" fits me, but it's here now. It's actually not that important. Nothing is that important. Holding on to these unimportant things is what makes us human. I'm mad for other reasons.

I just, I'm just extremely tired and irritated right now. I fucking hate the popular shows or personalities or whatevers. I came across an article about Plato the other day and I'm just so sore that someone from BC is so much more interesting and philosophically relatable than any person even scholars today. I'm in pain. I'm actually in pain and it actually makes me despair.

Hopefully it was my last trip to Ripollet today. No I know it was.

I mean what else is there. Oh I tried Pacari. I was skeptical but it turned out to be the best chocolate I've had. I'm saying better than Godiva and Neuhaus cause it doesn't have excessive sugar and is just plain goodness with its ingredients. I mean.

And things are just ripping for no reason. There is a hole in my PJ top for no reason. I couldn't have clawed it in my sleep, right? Then my Rag & Bone shirt also has a rip in front. Then I cut a piece of tablecloth while handling the tulips, and yeah, looks like the tulips are dying. Why are they always dying? Why can't I handle flowers?

I don't know. I'm very annoyed.  I'm angry now. I refuse to join in the random acts of "having fun", just have no purpose and be like... and I'm so tired of reading about politics. All the drilling into inconsequential details, dramatizing hugely irrelevant stuff. It's painful. It's painful. I don't know if it's peacetime that makes it painful or overpopulation or something. It's sad. It's sad and painful. Nobody can blow my mind anymore. I want my mind blown. Nobody tells me things that make me wonder anymore. People are busy sharing trivia, who gives a fuck?

I'm fucking incensed.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Why does tulip smell like tomato ?

Nobody knows. Fresh, cold tomato. I like it. Are they fucking dying though? I cut the stems and changed the water. Their heads are still hanging.

I have a hard time keeping anything alive.

I don't know why I'm so sleepy. Good God.

I need fresh new things. Looking at... reading about the past is like diving into an old pile of dust- in concept, sometimes. But none of the new stuff excites me. I know this bothers a lot of people.

The certainty of death within a day if I were ever stranded on an island is interesting to think about (briefly). I don't know how to make fire. I can't survive in the wilderness. There is no way. I can't even go camping. Why are people like this now?

I feel like everything is a trade-off now.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Shores of Despair

I paused and now I forgot what. But Diary, there is unlimited amount of money to be made, unlimited "happiness" to be had, unlimited number of people to get to know- all relative to the short time we have. I hate to think that I have squandered my time. It is true that I have given my time to useless things. It is the biggest crime. I am so sorry.

I can't see the world in a good light. I can't think positively about anything. And I realize it's because I shouldn't. I'm actually, honestly allergic to that "all is OK" mentality. All is so not OK.

I begin to question Britannica's authority now. Their database is outdated to say the least. It's very disheartening. I don't want to live in a world without authority. I rebel authority when the authority is shit, but I actually want authority, because like everyone, I am searching for truth, or at least, reality. Everything is making that very hard for now. There is too much garbage and there are simply too few people who will devote all their time and energy making something great. I have to put up with this rampant vanity that doesn't stand for anything and doesn't have any significance. It... is it true that we can only look back?

The truth isn't a prophecy. It already exists. Maybe I have a better chance finding it by looking at stuff of well-recorded past than whatever this clusterfuck it is today. I am not entertained, Diary. I am not. I am desperately wanting to get away from people. It's not only what people are, but also what people want. It just repels me.

So who am I working for? If not only myself I suppose some abstract audience who are only a part of their whole.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Station Tulips

Police stations here have the hours of a bank. Outstanding. I showered, dried my hair and immediately went, and they were closed at 1. I don't want to go back there. Monday is a regional holiday in Valencia, but I'm not taking my chances. Damn it, Diary. I was at this station waiting like a retard for a good 30 minutes today. I saw my reflection in the train window and I could barely handle how stupid I looked. I rested my eyes and when I opened them I had a bad feeling and I was past Sants. So I had to get back. I could not figure out what direction the trains were going, cause there were some that came one way and went away the way they came. So those must have this station as the final destination. Unlike others. I didn't know shit. I just know I needed board one that's heading downtown and you can bet any train would stop at P.C. I was wrong in the betting game. After standing there like a retard for 30 minutes I went on the other side of the tracks, and it turned out there were 14 tracks, what the fuck. But I remained on the platform right across where I originally stood and I got back.

The point wasn't to tell you what happened in a clear manner, the point is to tell you what a fool I am. I was out for 4 hours today, it felt like a century. I had to buy 10 tulips on my way home to appease myself. When something like this happens- it happens more often than it should, which is never- I am always filled with doubt. I doubt how can someone like me even survive. Like what kind of person I would be if I should live in the wild. That' a big argument I keep coming back to. You see all these people out here building doomsday bunkers? I wouldn't even consider outlive anyone if that happens. Like what's the point. Where is the survival instinct. I don't have it.

I honestly don't want to go back there. The thing is, Barca is a small city. I am quite confined to this small city. This small, populous, prosperous area. I won't even go as far as Sants. If I stop seeing wonderful architectures and start seeing normal houses, I'm in pain. That's who I am. The best of Barca is really only concentrated in a small area, and now it's my comfort zone. I honestly wouldn't go anywhere else. It's my home now. Seeing Psg.G felt like I was finally home. If I'm a New Yorker I must be the kind you hear about all the time, you know, the kind who wouldn't leave one block just because.

I know I'm open-minded. I know this is normal. So I don't need to explain to you but I just want to know. At this point, "exploration" only makes sense if I have a plan. Like I need to be there. Everything is need-based. I mean, I had no idea wasting 30 minutes at a train station would be so mentally straining. I just.

​Do you feel me?

Weird Feelings

You know how there are some weird feelings, like confusion...

​Stephen Hawking passed away yesterday. It just turned 16th, so just so you know, I meant 14th. And how removed it was, I mean, just the impact, how uninterruptedly the world went about its business after is amazing. No one can make a great impact now. I'm not saying he is the person to make an impact, but he should make a dent in the present day history, and I'm not feeling it. All the reports feel superficial, and the people who make passing comments make it all about themselves.

If "selves" matter, there should be one self that matters. At least direct all the eyes to one person at sometimes. I don't know what this "decentralized" future will look like. It looks abysmal from where I'm standing. And it's not like people don't have things to focus on, the world is more polarizing than ever- the whole point of decentralization- where it takes place is within one's own mind. This extreme selfhood that excludes any external greatness. So we won't see any external greatness. People are just living in boxes mixing butter, flour, eggs and water in different proportions creating essentially the same food. That's my cooking experience. I can't take it too seriously. I mean, the whole monkey typewriter situation- are we just merely exhausting our options, effectively what the monkeys do, but less efficient?

I'm just wondering if people do achieve that utter freedom, what would they care about. If you think the billionaires provide a good clue I think it looks pretty grim. It's a generalization but I find them to be uninspiring.

Also, I think we should be a lot more careful to start internet business now. Especially if it's a function. The only difference between an one man dev and a full fledged firm might just be a marketing budget, and the most stable business is utility. I just saw the alternate news bot, I actually had that idea for a website that for every key event there are news links from different sources. I still think it's great to have an archive rather than a bot roaming on a transient forum but, now I think limiting to "journalism" is short-sighted, if I add the quotation marks myself. No. It's really about how people digest information. I even doubt if it should be a website rather than an application. Information structure is crucial in every sense and every context, it may even, no it will dictate how this thing is programmed. I'm constantly looking for the best tree, it's like how I told you about the difference between Wikipedia and Encyclopedia Britannica.

But yeah. Good night.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Shit It Out

I know this isn't how normal people approach food but anti- intuitively I think it helps me think differently about food when I remind myself that I have to shit it out. I made myself two hotdogs this morning, the bread tastes like saw dust and the franks were no good. It just put me off completely. I'm like, eww, this isn't food. I even decided I will never eat hotdogs again.

But what convinced me that I made the right decision to toss it all in the bin was the thought of having to shit out the hotdogs the next day. It's just awful that I would have to make my body process that. It just occurred to me it does no less damage to me than making myself sit through an inane movie or read a pointless book, and that deeply terrifies me. Why would I subject myself to process garbage food if I'm so allergic to garbage entertainment and such? Just because the processing doesn't take place in my head doesn't mean there aren't no consequences.

I'm really pissed off now. I should start thinking about after effects. I honestly don't want any waste whatsoever so it's really.. there is really no reason to not eat well.

I understand this may mean I have to actually hit the markets more often than I want, but if I have to , I have to.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Why do we seek out distressing news?

It just occurred to me that certain murder case remains open. I don't know why it's always things like this that jump up to me when I'm trying to work. It's sad.

It's this girl that got murdered. I feel like she's a lot like me. Now she's gone. And the suspect has yet been indicted. It's very distressing. It's a cruel case.

And then, in every genocide, hundreds of thousands of girls get raped and killed. It's history. It's a long, long history. How do you face something like that? "These are people like you, here's how they end up in history". It dampens my spirit. It makes my head hurt.

There is no positive way I can spin it. I do feel vulnerable. I loath, LOATH saying it out loud but it must also be because I'm actually, indeed, vulnerable. It's a very hateful situation. I very much don't want to get raped or killed. I don't know if this is why I don't like going out. I just know it's already a second instinct. A learned reflex. Any man that approaches me will instantly make me sick. This is just from reading news story and learning history and watching films. I might be a lot more fragile than most women who actually went out there and get MARRIED!!! Holy fuck, they're crazy. Yet I'm wiling to go to this length, amassing material and training defense tactics to avoid any contact with men. I must be weaker in some sense. But I feel like I don't have a choice. There is nothing on this green earth that can make me trust a man. I was this cautious when I was 6. I just... nothing can make me trust them in the slightest.

I don't know, Diary. It makes me sick. Like, this is history. How can you know this and not exercise caution. It's very dreadful. I like prepping myself, to be honest. Playing the game of life has benefits of its own, it's just I sometimes reflect upon the very different rules I live by. It's insanity. Everything is. I mean, men are willing to look at a woman and go, "OK let's kill her". And I have to accept that. That's a reality. I have to make sure that never happens to me. I cannot die in the hands of a man. I think this is what I have in mind every time I see a man who's stronger than me. I can't train for Pilates, Diary. I don't need to be fit. I just need to make sure I know ways to not be killed when it comes down to it. It's paralyzing sometimes. Every time I read a story about a man kidnapping a woman just because he can. I may never be as physical as an average man, but I have completed the first step, which is eliminating my sympathy. If a man tries to hurt me and I have a tool or a weapon nearby, I would not think twice. I would not care if he is a father, a son, a brother or some bullshit. I really wouldn't let any emotion cloud my judgment. My fear has long overridden my sympathy when it comes to men. And I haven't been harmed in any way. It's just waiting to happen. Every woman who hasn't been hurt is just waiting to be hurt, that's my theory. I really can't expect to go through life without being the target of at least one attempt. That is unrealistic. Caution can only get you so far. But yes, like I said, the first step is done. If I have a chance, I won't hesitate.

It's a normal part of life, too. Animals have to protect themselves, and nobody says just because you have a civilized society you can be comfortable knowing that no one is going to harm you. As long as we are beings, we ought to protect ourselves. So it's not extra work. This is how it's supposed to be. If I escaped death, I'm victorious.

Damn it, that case is really unsettling

Monday, March 12, 2018

Stress Will Kill Me, Or Some Accident.

I always knew stress, or some accident will kill me, but for now, a better question is how to manage time. I have to be honest with you, Diary. I have had this trepidation for a long time and I have postponed- procrastinated for weeks. It's obscene when you say it out loud. But I haven't been idle. I have worked out other issues and figured out exactly how much stress I'm under. It's interesting, if you don't think about it, you appear to be- you perceive less stress while facing the same terms but once you figure out exactly what those terms are, how much time you have, what do you want- you perceive the actual amount of stress you're under. That's the real reality. That's- I'm synced. And it's killing me. I always like to live with pain as long as it's true rather than find solace in ignorance. Trust me, ignorance is hurting me now also, but less than ten days ago.

​It looks impossible. But looking at it from a different angle, only I can accomplish it. I don't know which gives me more stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. I have to do it. It's why I'm here. It's my destiny. And it's only the first step.

First I have to accept that night time working has its benefit. Volume 10 is loud and clear compared to 46 in day time. It's the same ears, Diary. I simply do not need to handle that much noise. Noise is bad. So, it's cool to be a little different. But there is wind now. It's so pleasant, so I should start taking walks again.

I'm just still shocked that up until January this year, UK was my number one choice. Now it's 3rd. I was so sure about all of it. I mean, I will still settle- no, have a place in London some day, but it's just so clear that there is no point for me to go anywhere besides London. I mean, see the country, of course, but as for long term living, you know? There really aren't that many choices, which is a good thing for me, at least for now. I'm just glad I can see it clearly.

Godspeed Diary - GODSPEED

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Set- up 1

I thought you- I- might want to upload my life pictures from time to time, since I said I'm going to take this thing seriously from now. To be honest, I can never get used to taking pictures with a phone. It's not only because I'm still holding an iPhone 5 from 4 years ago I used to study iOS and its picture quality is grainy and abysmal as fuck- on that note, can I just say how absurd phone prices are nowadays? It's supposed to have gone down, it has not. It has gone up. Give me a break. If I'm going to get a new phone- and I will only get one if this one breaks- or its battery lasts less than 24 hours unused, I'm going to get one of them Google Pixels. But the other day I found out it's $900 or something. For a phone. Please. I'm considering the utility. I make roughly 2 calls a months and decline basically all incoming calls. I spend less than 10 minutes on my phone each day, no jokes. It's just not worth it. Plus, my big hands. I'm still looking for a flip phone. I hate how you accidentally brush your finger on the screen and a fuckton of action starts going on, don't you?

Anyway, a 60D is a lot clunkier than a phone, but it's my old bud, and I should use it more.

All that said, this is my set-up. Well for the past two weeks. That's a Culti diffuser on the desk. They stopped selling that, but the ones I have will last long enough. I still have 2 whole bottles of White Flowers and Tea. The flowers died soon because I honestly did not expect they drank all the water I had left in the vase (about 300-400ml) in 2 days. It's crazy. It's drinking almost as much as me, if we're talking about just water. My body must has amazing abilities to obtain and retain water in ways I don't understand, because if I sip one cup of tea I go to the toilet 6 times and my bladder is going to burst the next morning. Maybe I belong to a desert people.

Anyhow. I just want to tell you that the dessert on the plates is from La Despensa de Palacio, and they're overly powdery and sweet. I don't get Spanish dessert and candy. Anything yema is fine, but the wine cake, the turrĂ³ns, and these it's just... it's all very similar and basic. Like there are only a few simple ingredients and there is always one, be it sugar ( most often ) , honey or almond, that's overpowering. I've tried some French ones, too, but at this point, I genuinely believe Italian ones are my favorite and probably objectively the tastiest as well.

Now this is confectionery crystallized pear, as you can tell from the label. Now this is something innovative, at least to me, I heard good things and I bet it tastes good.

But realistically speaking, I don't have much time to think about food.

On the other hand, this is the first shop I tried when I got here last year, the place by P.C. It's overpriced and uninspiring. The chocolate one is even bland. I don't have a picture of the convent marzipan from Caelum. Maybe it tasted a little holy, I don't know. I certainly remember the sugar frosting on top.

I hope you are happy with this post.

Fake brother mine

I haven't played Sims in a long time. I played 1 a lot, maybe around 100 hours on 2, I barely played 3, and for some reason I just picked up 4. I really wasn't expecting anything. The game feels very fresh and cool. Only when I'm playing this I feel like I really want a brother, like I want to live with my brother. Interesting options they have - how they define gender. Me and my brother can both impregnate others in the game but cannot get pregnant. I think we all want to scatter our seeds around and not be the oven that bakes the goods and not only cannot give it your last name (which your mom took from your dad and so forth) but lose it to your husband, too. You see it everywhere in films and books, it's a fact of life. Women aren't treated as human beings, just some channel men compete against each other with... from... through. It's like two guys "fight over" a woman, and it would appear that the woman is important in this, but she isn't at all. This is about two men competing and the winner takes the woman as a prize. Even if it comes down to the woman choosing, she just doesn't matter. It's a bad deal. I bet more and more women are realizing this is a bad deal. Childbirth is as great and terrible as they say. But I'm not going to do it, not even in games.

But my point is, it would be really great to live with my brother, if I had a brother. That's a lot of cool fun relaxed (!) life experience I don't get to have. If I have a brother, I bet he is chill and he will teach me how to relax. Because I can't, by myself. Damn, why don't I have a brother. I wish I had a brother, man. Brother must be God's gift to women, cause he can be fun and warm, but you don't have to worry about him having "thoughts" about you. You know this is actually kind of making me mad. I want a brother! I don't have one.

Treating you well

I guess I'm taking this identity seriously now. I have to find a way to make this homey. I think I'm comfortable now. OK.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sex and the City is such a toxic show

It's a show about how a group of women take a tiny portion of men's life (the romance) and make it the entirety of their own life.  It's so fucking pathetic. Oh God. It's so sad. It's too sad. They have to... they force themselves to do it. When the man dresses casually, they spend hours getting ready- it's like in real life. Unbelievable. Why would you... when he's not... I don't get it. It's such a sad, toxic show. Good Lord. I want to shoot Carrie Bradshaw in the face. This show makes women seem so superficial and unimportant. Poor Miranda, the writers have to ruin a good character with "Steve". Good Lord. I can't. I hope the show is dead, like no one will remember it in 5 years. I don't know. Is that going to happen? Dear God. Dear me. Maybe some women are born and meant to live this way. I hope and pray to God I never, never, NEVER EVER!! encounter them.

The thing is you can't tell by the smell of their breath - or could you - I wouldn't know, but I know I can't - the point is, I don't even want to hear the words that come out of a mouth which has given a blow job. I mean, can you imagine? How can someone eat ass or give blowjobs and have the nerve to talk to people? I shudder at the thought of this. Don't talk to me with your stinky mouth that has swallowed a dick. They're everywhere. They really can't be talking. If you gave a blowjob (willingly) then your mouth is for giving blowjobs, and not talking, or even eating. Go give blowjobs until you starve to death. I mean, some things people invented, right? The goat fuckers, the blowjobs, the anals, whatever. These things will never seem "alright" "one day". Never. It's just never going to happen.

It makes me want to barf.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Good morning

I got up at 7:30 today. Let's try 7:00 tomorrow. The smell of morning... on the street - it reminds me of the familiar path to my school, like when I was 12, you know? Why does it smell so familiar? Nobody is cooking. It just smelled of lunchbox.

I have had a lot of weird dreams lately. My cousin tried to kill me, and I returned to my elementary school as an adult and met someone I had a brief crush on (when I was 12 or 13) there. They looked miserable.

I didn't ask for any of this. These dreams. I'd rather not have dreams at all than have these dreams. And my hearing is like, maxed. Like I have to tune the volume to 60% of yesterday now, you know? I'm just. I'm just...

I'm not fine. I have struggled so long to tell you this, but I'm not fine. And you will never hear the end of it... until I die, I suppose, but wait, you see, still then you won't hear the end of it- so might as well accept it now that this is the problem: there is too much disappointment around. I don't remember the last time I was surprised. I don't think I was ever surprised by people. I just... there is too much disappointment everywhere you look, Diary. Has anything ever exceeded my expectation? I don't think so. So let's just deal... forever deal with the disappointment. Good God.