Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Tired every day

I made a mistake, Diary. I called the delivery boy a "fuck face" some days ago, and though I could go back to edit it, I choose to leave it here so you remember this lesson. The crystal was shattered 3 times because the box isn't marked "fragile", and that has everything to do with the warehouse guys who are the true incompetent retards and nothing to do with the delivery boy, who albeit does look hideous, did nothing wrong. So I'm sorry about that. They did shatter the lid again today too, but the lid in shipment #3 was fine, so I took that and the cake stand from this one, 2/2, I have a complete set. What a fucking waste of my time. I bet this shit will get shattered again when I move, it's so brittle. Oh my God. LSA.

​But it'll be nearly 2 years. Fuck. Fuck me. I'm tired all day every day. Nothing will help. First of all, we have established food won't help. Drinks won't help. Sleeping won't help. Gaming won't help. Meeting people won't help. I don't know what will relieve my stress or if I'm supposed to carry it throughout my life. I should, but this is a bit too much. I have never had so much stress in my entire life, and I have to be ready for it. I just... I'm so alone in this, and I have to be alone in this. And I... is it worth it to be someone who has... no, wrong question. Every purpose needs an audience. Or... no. I know.

Some of the stuff is really dry, Diary. I don't seem to have a choice because there literally aren't many choices. The unknown now is different from the unknown back then. Back then the unknown is in the world, around me, now I see everywhere is empty, in the sense, it's devoid of that, so the unknown is out there now, and not really reachable. So does it matter if it exists? And what poor likelihood it will exist.

Maybe life is a dream. Life feels like a dream, now. In the sense that it's not real anymore. But no... I can't really define it.

It has always been a dream, right?  There is no "we", not even "me". 

Oh My God. It's snowing in here. In Barca.

​I opened the windows. It still has a sound of rain, much scattered, and the snowflakes only turn into drops seconds before they touch the ground. I'm so glad I stayed up.


Wednesday, February 21, 2018


I guess I'm at the point where there is a true gap between me and all the other generations. I no longer sympathize with them.  Like I empathize but not sympathize, you know? I've often wondered as a teenager "when do you stop giving a shit about youth as an adult" and I imagine it quite depends on the person, but now you know it's now. 26.

I honestly thought I'd always care for kids and be able to relate to them, but not anymore. It's still sad the conditions they have to grow up in, not just the rapid flow of information they have to absorb, the lack of privacy, predatory practices all around, gore and eroticism, lack of faith or authority, unstable economy, exacerbating environment, polarizing social issues and political climate, but also just the general shittiness of things that are available to them. New things. They will have to be forced to play with machine and AI, because raw humans can do no better anymore. One intelligent person is going to supply the whole world's fun. You know what I'm saying? It's great that they can get integrated globally from get go (sort of), but they will only find that globally, oh the mysterious globe, it does not have that much to offer.

Before you get to know the US, you could imagine there are all sorts of wonderful things in the US. Then you go there and find out it is not so. Before you get to know the "bestest" European countries, you have all sorts of fantasy about them, until you come and experience it for yourself. I've lived that. How many people are carrying this sort of frustration and finally settling somewhere to themselves?

I mean, kids today get to know all that from the start. At least I had some mystery. Although it's one letdown after another, in the beginning there was some enticing mystery, which is good. The new kids- I'm sorry, just the kids nowadays- they get to know the overall shittiness of the world from I don't know, 6. They will be a lot wiser, of course, but I don't know, maybe more soulless. Because what can you aspire to anymore, like what hope do you have. The outer space is not the same concept as another developed country. There is no guarantee that there is life out there even. So there is no hope. I mean. Y'know? God. I feel so sad.

I had so much happy memory in my childhood because of my ignorance. I fucking didn't know and I had a lot of hope. I don't see how an able-minded child can have any hope by the time she or he is 12. Like. They definitely won't believe in alien stories no more. Or like, do you actually want to find Giger's xenos out there. Please. Kids have a tough life. It's so tough.

I don't know, maybe they're still having fun. Why not. Travel to other places in rocket ships and glide down a mountain, watch VR porn and play unlimited number of games. Eat all kinds of food. Have bots do your chores. I don't know. It's just not the same. I just don't have sympathy for them anymore because there is no hope. Their entertainment is only getting richer and duller. Known stuff isn't fun. ONLY the unknown is fun. There is still so much unknown to be explored but they're all depressing as fuck. Unearthing some more early human artifacts- the fun has been had. Get to know more about planets and galaxies, yeah. Elongate human life? Opt me out, THANKS.

I don't know, I just don't feel for them anymore. You think meme is fun. Meme is not that fun tbh. It's not as fun as seeing a dodo, for example. Dodos are fucking extinct.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

I'm Sorry .

" I'm sorry. "  Are you kidding me ?


I guess I was trying to be cute with this thing... in the past week I got the idea to get whole lettuces and make salads from scratch, not a good idea. Those packaged veg exist for a very good reason. You just mix and eat without the fuss. That's made particularly for people like me and there are so many of us that they got the price down to be so affordable. That's the whole economy right there. I went a little overboard with this salad thing, No more.

I also collected all Google Natural Language API categories (their columns are messed up so it took a bit of work) and marked areas about which I'm "keen". That about defines me, don't you think? In the context of this. There are other trees you can make from philosophy data etc. You can analyze me pretty critically- I can analyze myself critically and more objectively, that comes first. With all things mapped out I should gain some more clarity about myself and avoid wasting time on things I don't yet know of down the road.

Good night... I mean good morning.

Friday, February 16, 2018

There is no Happiness. Only Comfort.

Eliminate threats. Create profits. Find truth.

Where does any emotion come into this? None. All emotions are artificial. They may be natural, but are still unique to mankind. Interesting. Still artificial.

I can probably process jealousy a lot better. As long as it doesn't hinder what I'm doing, there is no need to feel that way about anything.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

I'm so dead

I'm so dead, Diary. This isn't the energy level a living person should have. What do I have to do, drugs? How do I pick myself up?

Friday, February 9, 2018


On Wednesday night I had a nightmare about being shot to death.

In day dream, however, I dream of a white river that flows from above... milky white, wide and holy. The filth of this world is washed away... everything I experienced is washed away. What did I experience, anyway? What is that? What do I remember?

God give me strength. I need strength.

I honestly feel like I must be dying or else I wouldn't feel this tired.  Yeah, that's right. I must be dying fast.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018


Do you feel like the window is getting smaller? By the second...

I had a lovely dream last night, about love actually. What if my love life lives in my dream? I'll still have a solid 7 hours of love life every day. If there is some way to make sure I have that every night I- but a memory association can only be used so many times.

Diary, the window is closing. I am too slow. I have no time to criticize anybody else. I am so tired.

I also feel sick.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018


I've figured it out. The chosen ones are the ones having it all going for them. It may seem retarded how easy it is, I mean how common sense it is, but I've only figured it out now.

I must not be a chosen one, then. At least not by luck. I'm chosen by fate, but not luck. This seems like a tragedy. So this is why I must be the way I am, why I can't loosen up and relax, it's because I have no luck on my side. I can't be a free spirit. It's ironic, I look like a free spirit but.

Good night Diary. I must have discipline, or else... I must accept it.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Great Era of Pain

You know what I mean ?  ?

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Rainy & windows

You don't get it. Diary. All I want is to have a quiet place all to myself, with it raining out all day, and I can watch and listen to the wind and water wafting through the trees right outside of the windows, and I work. Is it too much to ask? No. Some people are born with this. I'm not. I'm 26 already and I don't have it yet. I keep trying new things Diary... but I think I'm done trying new things, and now I think it's stupid to try new things when you always knew what is it that you want. I never wanted to live in a city. I never told myself "oh hell yeah I just want to be in a city". Maybe London but now that fantasy is shattered for me.

It's not too much to ask. I'll cut myself off from all this mess. The same fuckface that always delivered to me messed up my crystals twice. That's two broken crystalwares. While I had to sit and wait for his unpunctual ass to show up on my doorstep. Why? Why do I have to endure this? Every minute of mine is worth thousands of dollars and I'm just pouring hundreds of thousands down the drain waiting for someone to fuck up something that cost 39 euros? Why? I shouldn't have to endure this. I shouldn't have to suffer like this.

I won't buy online from Corte Ingles ever again. God Spain. When you go to the luxury brands' sites of Europe they usually don't list Spain on top as frequent client destination, that's how you know what the condition is like down here. There is no argument that it isn't still a "first world country", a term I quite so detest, but it really is on par with Greece, probably.

France, Germany, Italy. These are top tier countries in Europe. Not just with infrastructure but also decent size. I thought Spain would be fourth, but it didn't make it to the tier cut. So. I really can't stand how many old people there are, even in Barca. I don't know if where I'm going in Italy is worse, I hope not. At least I don't have to put up with lousy establishments like this. If this is their finest chain and what third, no fourth largest department group in the world? Then fuck me I won't do it. I will buy directly from brands from now on. You know what's interesting is I can buy all my groceries at La Boqueria every morning and buy flowers at Floristerías Navarro every weekend, it'll be a dream to many people - to be fair, but it won't do me justice. It just won't. You know why. I've suffered too much in my life, I can't look back 3 years past because every 3 year it's a different world for me, and the first world I came from looks like limbo from where I am now. I don't just want to get the hell away from limbo as far as possible, I want what I deserve. I've sacrificed too much for God and the Goodness of other people. I would've been a saint in ancient times, you know what I'm saying? I'm doing works that nobody else is willing to do because nobody else can do, I'm taking all the risks, giving my all, my most precious time, all my pride, all my energy and wits and really everything I have, despite how hateful they make me sometimes- for people.

I deserve a lot more. Since there is no sainthood now and nobody cares about that sort of thing anymore - it's gone away with time. Soon I'll be collecting my compensation, the amount will be just however much it is and it will never be enough. Good God Diary. 1% of what I've done grants me the rights to not have to suffer anybody's incompetence ever again. And I'll be collecting. You'll see. I'll be collecting.

You don't know how much I hate it here

I can't anymore.  These people have no respect for other people's time. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like crying every day as I am forced to wait for this or that. I can't take it anymore. 

I won't cry for real, because I despise it, but I'm really hurting. Life is painful enough, and already too short to endure this. I won't be happy ever again. There is only pain.

Please don't rob my time. I'm about to break down. I won't wait on hideous fuckface, ancient relics or general retards. All they ever do is fuck things up and waste your time.

Diary, please save me. Please. Please. I want to go.

How much aggravation can one take? What a quiz. Life's quiz. I can't let it get to me.