Monday, January 29, 2018

Offending Time

Any disrespect to time - ignore it, wasting it (of yours), or worse, wasting it of others, is the greatest crime. People do look like they truly don't care about time around here. I can't take it. I never waste other people's time, Diary, for time is too sacred to me. I'm just saddened, and I feel stupid because I chose it, that the people here don't feel the same way.

Why do they so freely waste other people's time? Time is too precious.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Long

I have chronological fatigue. The thing is, Diary, I've been facing the one same problem all my life, it's important and I never found a solution to it, which is why it's so sad. How do I relax? How to relax? I must have asked you this a thousand times now. I remember asking you this in middle school.

It seems I can't relax. Maybe I have been going about it the wrong way, but I sure have tried everything I could think of. Having more things doesn't make you happy, I realized that instantly, but nor does having more friends. Quality friends are hard to come by, and I have yet to find any in this country.

The problem isn't that I'm alone Diary, it's that I'm not alone enough. I don't feel lonely, and I just know by now that a city isn't a place to live. I'm in the best city possible- I've been to New York, when I walked into Times Square and I looked up and looked around and saw all the ads, all I could think of was "What a hellish place". I haven't been to Paris and I haven't been to London. I could go any time but I just didn't want to. Barca is the best city with just the right amount of population, culture, architecture, vibes. Close to the beach, all that. But what I need is tranquility. I want my peace and quiet. I just realize I've been working late at night, well into dawn because it's quiet. There is no tourist, no racket, no children crying. What's the city got to do with me anyway? I don't go clubbing, I don't need anything from the city, I can't stand being disappointed by strangers. I just can't.

I deserve not to be disturbed in the day to finish what I started. God Diary, I am so tired. I don't even know where the energy went. I'm supposed to work twice this speed. I'm just so tired. God.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Is it a rosy picture ?

Is it a rosy picture I'm painting, Diary? Time flows so ruthlessly. The gatherings... people are probably busy with their gatherings but I know it's not for me. How awkward would it be... "every man brings the most beautiful woman", so what am I going to bring? Or attend one of those "empowering luncheons" hosted by clearly aggressive and resentful women.

I don't know anymore. I'm filled with hatred, too, Diary, but I believe it's a different kind of hate. Maybe not. It feels different. I just can't build rapport like this. I'm boxed in. I feel like I'm boxed in. No matter where I turn, I see no one I can call a friend. No one who has the potential to be a friend.

We want different things, Diary. How come out of so many billions of people, I can't find one similar to me? Yeah, I mean, of course.

Oh God Diary, it's me. It's not anyone, it's me. I think in the end, I am trying to make everything smooth for myself while I'm alive. I am trying. I haven't let go. So many people have fought for, worked for the future of humanity. It's so compelling that it makes me think it's the purpose of life, even though I would never agree otherwise. I know I am extremely, extremely selfish. Live this life and don't care about the next, which is due to the despair caused by what I've seen. But the only people who matter are the ones pushing for continuation.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Tugging my own heartstrings

I'm terribly late and sorry, Diary. I'm so moody, God. I don't know what to do with it.

I have some new thoughts, man.

​Two days have passed since I left this paragraph. To be fair I did return yesterday, but I believe foobar fucked up and crashed my PC and I had to restart and... y'know.

I was saying how I couldn't get the song "About Her" out of my head, specifically this lyric: "My man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea"... the way she sings is is so...

I spent 2 hours cleaning the loft today, it's well worth it.

Well, Diary. It's nighttime again.

Just a minute.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

I'm so fucking mad

I don't know what stimuli I need anymore. I am extremely riled up rn. Fuck. Where everything seems aggressively uninteresting. It'll pass but it's driving me mad. The more you're capable of the more angst you got.

I hate brewing this for so long, I mean the preparation. It feels like being dormant. Fuck. Patience. I must have patience.

I'm so angry Diary. Don't you wish you can just pick

finger cut again

I was going to say that my finger has finally healed, but it so happens that I cut my hand again today. Where the fuck did I put my working gloves?

It's like this, OK? Y'know how I always wanted a cake stand with lid so I can put sweets and bread in it and pretend I'm in a bakery shop? Well, a crystal one finally went on sale in Corte Ingles so I got it for half off price. And it arrived COMPLETELY BROKEN. SHATTERED CRYSTAL GLASS. It was delivered in the morning and I had barely woken, so I reached in the box... and I cut myself. This is so sad. I ordered a lot of stuff but this one is what I want the most. I went back to bed only for 10 seconds just to ponder if we are - I am - doomed to lose what I treasure the most. Or doomed to not get it in the first place. Fate can be cruel like that, I thought. You might think I'm silly, but I think it's a sign. Maybe like Wilde said we will all keep being discontent after acquiring what we desire the most, but damn it, I don't think so. It's a damn cake stand and I want it. It's truly very sad.

I had to return the lemon curd and white chocolate almond from Cartwright & Butler too because the lemon curd had green gunk in it and the white almond was also turning green, like marble texture green. I'm not saying Cartwright & Butler is a shit brand, but I will never buy Cartwright & Butler from Corte Ingles ever again. What the fuck was that?

That said, the panettone from Da Vittorio is delicious. I have never been to a restaurant with any Michelin star, and now I think of it. My mouth was watering just from the smell, it's that good, and I couldn't wait to get a slice. There is 1 kilo of it so there's that.

I'm sorry Diary, it's not a birthday cake nor a substitute. I have turned 26 some days ago and that's that. I haven't died, obviously, and so there is no reason to dwell on it again. I think I will be less fearful next year - or not - who knows if I can make it, but, I'm OK now.

Not everything is OK, Diary. I know that I will have to change some day. I don't know what that day will be.

And I may have been watching too much porn this year already. Well I wouldn't actually say most of time on porn sites (just 2) was spend on watching, more like looking for the right stuff. When I was younger I could get off on words, it was much easier. I could use my imagination. The problem with realism, right, is it's very specific and leaves little room for imagination. I don't know the exact catchphrase I should use which is embarrassing for a 26-year-old I suppose, I want to say "rough sex" but the results are often not what I want. And the men are getting lazier in porn nowadays, if they don't put in effort I don't even want to watch anymore. Like they always use cowgirl positions or be real motor-like. I can't imagine that'd be remotely enjoyable for the girl, just having a motor thing going in and out of your body. Like their movement don't have no rhythm, it's just so boring. It's like a gif on loop, you know what I mean? It's so sad. lmao and in every blowjob video I came across recently the girl looked like she was let down majorly. No wonder there are so many lesbian porns these days. Sadly I'm not into that stuff.

Anyway I watch about 10-20 minutes every day for about 4 days in a row now, before you think I'm some kind of sex fiend. Is that normal? I don't even care. I don't even want to continue watching anymore because the search is just exhausting. It's like looking at applications and be not impressed with what you see. For some people porn and films even is what drives their sex drive, I firmly believe that. Like I told you if I were to see anyone irl I wouldn't have any urge whatsoever. It's weird- that's weird, I know. But today's porn just isn't very good. There is an alarmingly high number of stepmom videos too. Maybe divorce rate is really bad in the US and someone wants to cash in on it.

I definitely don't have kinks, Diary. The older I am the surer I am of that. I have no kink yet I am still having a hard time to find what would please me.

Bitcoin is crashing, right? Maybe you think now it's too late to be skeptical and you must already be in either camp. And my name... yeah. I have been watching the irl applications, the real, meaningful applications of bitcoins (and not other coins) these years. Back in 2013 there were a few vendors in San Francisco that already accepted bitcoin. I been there. But it never really took off. - Until I saw even in Wroclaw that they have at least one exchange booth where you can exchange bitcoin for real zloty. It didn't exactly make me hopeful but it did make me think better of Poland in general. But I'm not going off tangent.

The rise of btc isn't necessarily a good thing. Someone needs to poke enough holes in this false economy to prove it's actually viable and not a ponzi scheme. The coin's own utility is so very much different from blockchain and has so much less potential in my opinion. I wouldn't say the coin is doomed to fail but it's fair to say those who benefit from it will never be the masses. Other coins are just all jokes and the cons are simply cons. Some big cons run the biggest cons in California every year. It's not even drama that's worth anyone's attention and frankly I find it distracting. If you think about it it isn't even something you want to involve the masses in. But whatever.

I don't want to watch lesbian porn. I want to watch a fit, good-looking guy fucking (hard) a sweet-looking girl with natural breasts. That's all. Apparently it's too much to ask.

Monday, January 15, 2018

toxin flushing out

Since when do you feel like there is toxin in your life? Why?

It's this sense of anxiety, of not catching up with time... of the myriad recurring troubles. I can see why people long for a simpler life. But a simpler life to understand the complexity of life?

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Sitting In a Tavern

I don't give up on beers, perhaps that's why I'm... it's ciders. Anyways.

I thought I found more Jelly Belly, but no, this is "The Jelly Bean Factory", and it's far inferior in taste and texture. It feels like eating plastic. The ingredient table says they use juice from concentrate, but whatever, it feels harsh on the tongue.

I ate burger in the past 2 days so it's been simple and good. I don't ever use bun by the way. It's just unnecessary calories. Nobody says you must eat bread, full wheat or not, every day. I'd rather save those for dessert.

As far as chocolate goes, so far Godiva > Ferrero > Galler > Lindt & Milka. Godiva isn't supreme, Ferrero is just right as a snack, I think Galler is overpriced and Lindt is downright inedible - it's so waxy it's like eating wax. I don't even remember what Milka tastes like so it must be extraordinarily plain. I'm going to try Neuhaus next. We'll see, it's not terribly important.

What's important is I overslept today and I don't intend on repeating it.

Friday, January 12, 2018

no if

What if - no if.

This is the first day of the rest of my life, or so they say.

Do you remember when I was little - the things I thought about and experienced? When did they stop being true? Or am I staying true to myself? My worst fear that Time stopped being my ally. It used to seem that I have a minute for everyone's second. An hour for everyone's minute. Now I'm chasing time, almost breathlessly. I feel like I'm constantly failing myself, my own expectation. If I should fail I suppose God would have someone else finish the task, but I can't have that. I can't lose the purpose of my existence. I've come so far... I can't let it down.

This is my testament, Diary. I alone must manage it. By God I will.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Stress!

I'm afraid no amount of shopping will easy my heart - the fear of passing of time. A well-stocked pantry has no bearing on my work, no direct bearing anyway. Don't be surprised if my heart gets arrested in the next couple of hours.

A lot depend upon it. Fate, Destiny...

I will. I must and I will.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Inevitability

By god, has it been 4 days? I am not still mad at no-rain, Diary, as a matter of fact, it did rain a bit that day. Just a little bit.

No, I'm preoccupied with getting other supplies. I even got a thick Mauviel frying pan, the M'250B, and let me tell you, although it didn't instantly improve my cooking, it did make me feel like a chef. And what's ironic is I can't even single-handedly lift it. Not that it's because the handle has gotten too hot, but because I honestly can't lift it. It's too heavy. People don't seem to like Swiss Diamond here, I don't know why. I've had 2 in the past and they worked great. I don't have any of them with me now, but that's OK.

That and the new cream pot and bakeware should show you that I'm taking cooking more seriously now. I know it's an inevitable part of life. Although I'd gotten away with not caring for it for a good decade, I realize avoiding it for the rest of my life may still be too long. I have at least another decade to go, two if I'm lucky.

I've had some strange dreams in the past few days, Diary. There was one in a dark cave, and then I...

I have patience. Others have patience, too. It's just that I don't know what they want, beside the obvious, which is the one thing that counts. But I'm not sure about the direction. There is too much uncertainty.

Every day I am able to justify the correctness of my choice. But being right, or just, doesn't give me any power. I have to prove it. Theorization is over, for now, before the first test. There are so many irreversible effects that go with it.

I'm reaching a terrible age soon, Diary. This here right now might be a mid-20s, but as soon as that day is over it'll be- I'll be in my late 20s, and I cannot tell you how nervous that makes me. I can't bring myself to notice the passing of time, or I'll pass out in coldness. It's too terrible. Every day I live in my greatest fear, on top of actual fears most people feel as well. Do you get it? It's not the approaching of death, but mere passing of time that I fear. Every second is lost no matter what and cannot ever be retrieved. It's just too terrifying.

I have to do this one thing.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

I've been watching the weather report since 7 days ago that it's going to rain today and tomorrow. It even says it's going to rain up until a couple of hours ago. Google Weather says it's been raining all day - Liar liar pants on fire! Not a single drop. Now it says 5am-10am. Great. Just when I was asleep. I bet I couldn't tell when I wake up whether it's rain or the cleaning van.

Why? Why wouldn't it rain? It said it's going to rain for a week and then cancels at the last minute!  This isn't nice.

I've gained a few pounds, Diary, because of the stress and excitement. So I'm thinking I should eat meat every other day for the rest of the month. And then, veggie will be simple to prepare, if even that. I might as well just eat salad out of a bag. And fruit is even simpler. Since it's winter I don't need it to cool down, so I'll just drink juice. This will save tons of time.

But seriously though, make it rain, please. I want to see it so bad. Water fall. Precipitation. I want it to happen.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Excitement Management

I really need to better manage my excitement. This is distracting.

Get over here you sweet tooth.

Damn it there are sugar particles in my keyboard now.

Plan it well.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Out to get me

I don't know. I'm not even having cakes anymore. My diet needs an overhaul. What is going to happen on January 8th?

My thoughts are trembling. I have so many doubts. What if it doesn't work? There is no safety.

There is no hard line anymore, Diary. What's Good about the Old is going away, and everyone seems so happy..

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Chicken

I saw such a triggering picture of fried chicken. It's so crispy, I mean the crisp is UH !!!!!!!!

Monday, January 1, 2018

How to

You'll find the opposite. Never think all men want to chase women. A good number of men are doing everything they can to avoid women, and a good number of women do, too. At least I think there are.

How do you keep imbecilic - both men and women - off your business? People only ever discuss how to attract others but rarely how to fend off them. Opinionated women can be detrimental to your business if they're halfwits. Again this applies to both men and women, but women in general are more illogical so I'm worried. They grab whatever they want, but then it'll get tricky. It's curious that I don't yet know how to work with women. The vast majority of them are so fucking dumb, and they're gaining more economic freedom and power. I only support that on the basis it'll make them more logical, critical and better educated. What do you think, Diary? Are women becoming more logical and better educated over the years? Have they changed?

God I know humanity as a whole is going downhill but I don't want to see the bottom of the pit so soon yet.