Monday, December 31, 2018

Nothing is sacred to them .

I lot of people will vehemently defend the wrong things. I wonder why. No, I know why.

Not a new discovery, sorry. History is renewed, that's all.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Certain Death

Next year is going to be do or die. I'm not trying to not die, I'm trying to do. Again, I'm always happy to die. But nothing would make me happier to fulfill my destiny. I embrace both - gladly .

I know I am an entertaining one to God. One such person beneath me may entertain me this way, as well. I have nothing else to hang on to. I have nothing else to believe in - but why look for something else, when I already have it ?

Being a savior to some is not enough; we have established that this is not a numbers game. There is still much to learn. I know .  I can't see the End .

Friday, December 28, 2018


Is it true that our identity forms when we're very little, and it's never going to change ?  At least I think that is the case for me .  After all these experiences I'm still coming back to the same old things that make me comfortable and feel at home.

I watched Bandersnatch by the way - it's trash - it got cute at one point but it's still trash, and I've gotten tired of down-voting shows to no effect, so I'm going to cancel probably before the trial ends. These are B rated movies, right? And shows? They're all so trash. There are like 10 sets in total in each of them, and the characters are... I can't even call that acting. It's too sad .  I can't .

It's all so cheap and shallow. I can't. I don't know how people can stomach things that are so trite. What's worse is I HAVE things that are better yet I'm still checking it out. Nothing can diminish my faith in humanity.  I wish I have some other tangible things to believe in, because I'd really love to ditch all human beings and believe in something new. There isn't.

I ate all the profiteroles today - if that's any concern . I picked out some books for this collection .  It's still freezing in here . I'm reminiscing because all the new things in the past few weeks are inferior to old in one way.


Thursday, December 27, 2018

Netflix Originals are just YouTube videos w/ better production value

Except black mirror. I had to join it when I realized seeds ain't going to be available for this show no more. It really annoys me how fast Netflix churns out these plain, pointless (even if they make the "point" painfully obvious) ARTLESS shit shows just exploiting various niches and topics. Netflix Originals are just better YouTube videos with higher production value. I know they're doing their best (the directors and actors and stuff - staff) and they're given only minimal budget, but hey, this is bullshit.

All this crap is honestly all so soulless. I wish they'd keep the budget on a few series that's actually original like Black Mirror, but they won't. Butter spread over too much bread - am I right ?  I know it too well . I've learned my lesson, too .   They haven't . That's fine .

Well I guess this means I can relieve my hard drive of much bloated storage. I've really grown to loathe anime, btw. I've not thought about Golden Wind since I last talked about it and now I know I won't even bother with it anymore. Try and find something that's worth my time.

It's so sad.

Will I survive this new year ?

One day in hell. My head actually hurts. It's not migraine, I never get migraines. Would it shock you that my head wound hasn't healed for over 10 years and I'm still bleeding FROM THE HEAD every day? If I reach into my hair in the right position I can still feel the blood clot. The blood clot that never recovers. I feel it in the shower sometimes, too. I think it's an external wound, but when my head hurts it feels like I'm going to die - SOON .  This isn't a Stephen Hawking kind of story.

I'd be OK with if I just drop dead .  I've always been more than prepared for it .  I'm going to live my life as normal . Whenever it's time , I guess.

It looks like a renovation project out there. Abysmal progress. I bet the residents didn't see this coming - this could very well go deep into the next year.

My Hunter socks are here. I have to wash them later with the rest of my laundry but they look good. Can you believe - I saw a guy wearing t shirt (white t shirt no less) with jeans today as if it's still August. I'm here freezing in my hermetically sealed box - yes I've watched it again- point is, I'm freezing, and it's not because it's cold in here - though it's not so warm that anyone can go about in a t shirt either, most people have coats - it's because I'm mentally in hell and that affects my physical condition .  I promise you if I turn the heat way up now I will soon feel too hot . There is not a right temperature. I'm mentally in hell . Therefore I am in hell .

I have this raging disappointment that's been haunting me all my life but it has worsened a lot in the past couple of years. It really is . . . r a g i n g .

Most things aren't enjoyable anymore. That doesn't mean there aren't enjoyable things out there. They are so rare and hard to find .  I'm at a point - I'm on the edge. The tipping point, the precipice.

I don't know if I'll survive this year, Diary .  I don't know if the people I imagine that exist, the rules I believe to be real are true anymore . I have to have faith, at this point it's totally blind faith. I haven't seen a sign- yeah the rules have already been proven true but the thing is they lead to the natural conclusion about the people yet the people have not been there, which is puzzling.

I'm a nifty dandelion drifting in the air and I'm coming apart in the wind , Diary .

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

I miss nothing .

The end is coming .  I didn't realize .

What should we call this year ? 

Joy of Nothing .

My body temperature took a deep dive twice these past two days. It was like all out war. Have I won the battle?

It's almost new year. All I can see is my mistakes, my regrets, many times I let myself and God down. This has been a very important year, and best year so far, but I still only see the glaring imperfections. Not imperfections... but there really is no other word for it.

There is only one reality, and time is ticking. 

I wonder if the eventual motivation of exploring the outer space will be boredom. I can see it. It's not because we've exhausted all our resources on earth, or some catastrophe that can't be recovered - it's simply because some of us are tired of the available regimes - in the past and present, and politics and other stalemates. If humans really want to create something radically different, set new rules, they probably have to colonize outer space.

I have so little hope for what's going on here. I can dream, you can dream, everyone can dream. But to bring those dreams to reality... I mean, when you really dream big... 

I am comfortable in hell - because I'm familiar with it. I know there is no way of getting out. I don't know where I'll go after this life. I'm grateful for this life, but there is this enormous hopelessness.

Eating is such a tiring chore, Diary. I'm not baking anything again unless it's for more people.  This Sunday is the Feast of the Holy Family. If you can look away from the decors and sales and see Christmas or any such holiday for what it is, which I do -  Christianity is pretty boring. It's boring, lame and desperate that people have to select their names, roles, morals and plot points from such a little book for centuries. I'm drowning in this despair.

There is much to lose your hope over in hell. This is nothing. There is also everything else.

I cannot see a single thing from others that gives me hope. I'm not the only saint, I know...

There isn't that much flavor packed in subtleties. Most people I remotely care about are playing low risk discretion game which progresses slowly .

I wonder if this is how it started every time.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

As Predicted .

It takes more than patience and discipline to do the right thing. Sometimes you need a little push and God has given me a big push. Now that I've lost the last bit of mindless fun, I have to completely focus.

How do you like this pre-death experience so far, huh?

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever rain .   I wish whoever is singing so terribly every so often just die .

Diary, I'm trying to reach my salvation . I'm trying to see the light - or complete darkness, but not as a human being . 

Friday, December 21, 2018

Do the anti - intuitive thing .

& Only keep what works , but also keep in mind that a lot of things are circumstantial .

So don't assume a pattern or linear causality .

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

A knight will steal from you .

You'll never know . 

A town with 10 residents - what does that look like ?  There are hundreds, no no, thousands, no - tens of thousands towns seeing their population diminished over the last century . People had good reason to abandon them, of course.  Yet there are still not enough connected places to migrate to. The places that should be connected aren't, which is why you're seeing so many highway / rail projects right now .  Why are basic infrastructure so late in places it shouldn't be? I don't know . If you are the sun and your miles are your rays, I mean . . . you're still limited at the end of the day . What communities have people built ?  Why are they so generic and bland ? 

A knight stole from me, and so I was a bit disillusioned .  A knight will steal from me again if I give them the chance, which I won't. The role-players no longer stand for the values associated with their role, that's the problem. But how do you disassociate them mentally without learning a hard lesson first ? That's also a problem .

Adjust my expectation. Of course. Not everything is entertainment, mind you. Then what is it? It becomes trite real quick. It was roleplaying then & it is roleplaying now, but it feels like they suck at it now. People lack professionalism. I suppose it's not all bad when you have unlikely characters doing noble things, but hey, they're too few.

There is not enough subtlety or layers in anything anymore. People forget that ambiguity can be beautiful sometimes. Do they even know what they're chasing now?

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

What I want doesn't exist

It's time to face it. - and deploy the best theme. Not just for you, Diary, but for my life. I'm in hell. I'm always in hell, and there is no need to pretend otherwise .

It's a relief finally saying it out loud . It's much more freeing to admit it than scrambling for little pieces of fake happiness to convince myself that there is some sort of . . . hope .

Life is hell, Diary. I've always known. I don't know why I had to pretend otherwise.

And now Christmas. No good thing has ever happened to me during or around Christmas, not only that, I was often in dire trouble. It's the same as I always arrive in the city I'm about to live in at night. Always. Always. Remember? The first view is always the night view.

Christmas is a hellish time - probably the most hellish of the year. Whatever the biggest celebration is in that country I'm living in- that's the most hellish time for me. I can't comprehend all services shutting down is a good thing. But then again, I oppose the whole work arrangement situation and it's unfair that some workers only get to see their family for such short time in a year.

I oppose so many things that any society isn't workable for me. That's why I appear asocial ( but I'm not ). I've a new appreciation for paradox, Diary. Just like if I find people I approve of, I'd be quick to make friends- if there is a suitable society for me, I'd be happy to live in it and contribute. Not saying that I'm not contributing to the current one, in fact as a true saint that I am, I'm doing more than most people- but I'm trying to change it. Can I- will I help create the new society I dream of ? I have met many foolhardy dreamers over the years, and however absurd their ideas sounded at first, I could never write them off.  Who says I'm not as foolhardy as them - when my dream relative to what I have is just as wild ?  And it's not that I envy the ordinary struggle, but I like to fantasize about a society I can be a normal part of- just doing my thing and blend in with everybody else. That normalcy is something I don't get .

Life is disappointing, and hellish. I knew it when I was little. I never actually forgot. I just pretended for maybe 10 years. No more, of course.

Friday, December 14, 2018

to who ?

This organic frustration is growing in me .

I know I can complain about anything to you , but I wish there are good news to share . 

What is the most timeless thing - besides time itself ? 

The thing that has existed the longest . . . and has meaning ?

The Turrons are so Goddamn awful, never again .

I wish I had good news to tell you .

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Not an actual Christmas Market

Paying for Microsoft Office for the first time today. I know.  Interesting time I grew up in. One can't rely on torrenting sites now, I wonder what poor kids will do. This would've absolutely changed my life if it happened when I was little. What's interesting is the pricing is fair. I've paid for a lot of software over the years, Diary, don't get me wrong, but only when pirating did not seem viable.

I don't think that's a Christmas market I saw today. They only sold figurines and small trees. I understand why they prolly don't want people stuffing their face in front of the big church but . . . why does that make sense ?

I also thought a lot about NYC today. Nothing further. What's its point ?  Good God , Diary .

Monday, December 10, 2018

New Ways To Play Old Games

I have found yet another way to play an old game. I just can't put up with soulless new games anymore, God. I know I just talked about it the other day but damn, I need games in my life. It's supposed to be this wonderful, self contained world full of imagination and truly mind-opening designs and not washed up old tricks  . . .

Side note, I want to get it out of the way. You know how people don't find models funny yet they themselves find themselves funny because they make funny faces? The truth behind this is models and people who are told they're gorgeous all their life worry if they're too beautiful for the masses, to the point that it creates a distance. They think because their looks stand out so much it's going to make them look standoffish, even intimidating. I'm not mocking this at all, it's very normal. It's like when a smart person wants to mingle with his dumb friends, he wouldn't use the same topics when he's with all his smart friends. When he's hanging out with the masses he'd be like "sup, sup did you watch the game last night" "dude that's great" or stuff like that. So it's not unfounded and I'm not mocking them.

But the thing is, right, that's not "funny". You making silly faces does not equal to a stand up comedian doing his bit. There is no way that's "funny". Your intention is actually transparent, at least to me. Point 1.

Point 2, which is more important, is they think too highly of themselves. People all have their own aesthetics and not all people are going to love one appearance, and frankly, no human in the history of the world is that drop dead gorgeous. People sensationalize when they give compliment, I thought they know that. They're not that gorgeous.  So there is no need to fuss over it. No one is going to find your beauty intimidating.

( Right after I typed this post I recalled all those times the stereotypical "nerds" or whatever claimed they do get intimidated by attractive people. Hey it's not like they're your core audience, right ? I don't know, whatever. I don't bother with the pointless working of that kind of psychology . )

And when God & your parents give you good looks - Point 3 - you should do your best to present it. You shouldn't be undermining your own image, sticking a retarded dog face or tongue-out filter on your photo or some other dumb shit. All I see is insecurities. You shouldn't be ruining your own image - that just shows how little you know of its value. Imagine ruining your biggest asset. Imagine a smart person saying dumb shit all day to make himself look more approachable. Imagine a shop owner putting graffiti all over his shop to attract edgy teens. 

You know how people say empathetic people are really caring ?  H'well, there are exceptions to that  .  I know I am extremely empathetic. When I see people do stupid shit, my first instinct is to actually understand them. Here I have demonstrated that I understand the psychology of the self deprecating models in a neutral context. If I am a caring person I'd stop right there and appreciate their good intentions, having realized that these models are not stuck up but rather considerate of others, maybe even think highly of these human human beings  .  Yet I'm not like that . Understanding where someone is coming from never stopped me from loathing them .

I don't really judge people solely by action or intention, Diary. It's not clear cut like that. I just know I resent all sorts of people. Imagine if you didn't understand all this. Then you can wonder "I don't know why but I just find it irritating" and move on. It's because I understand the innocuous motives behind really dumb acts that witnessing them is so insufferable. I really can't .

There is very little evil left in the world. I guarantee most conflicts we have today all have some sorts of misunderstanding and probable cause behind them. And, you know h'what, stupidity can't be fight like evil. When you see evil, you know exactly what to do and you can quickly unite people to fight it. But when it's mixed gray area, like strict copyright laws where you have both corporate interests & indie rights holders who are prolly as plain as yourself on the same side, it's not so cut and dried.

I feel pretty stupid myself for not knowing how to fight stupidity ( on a scale ) . Bill Gates is still fighting world hunger. We're not there yet - we will never be there. Every time I remember how Elon Musk talks about living on Mars I want to puke. For a long time I have felt that humanity has become irredeemable for me .  I can't think of a single living soul I want to connect with .  People possess no quality I desire and quite on the contrary, they're ridden with modern diseases .

No matter what, I will cede that like pigs, people deserve to find happiness regardless of what place or time they're living in .   I understand that .

Sunday, December 9, 2018

I shout !

I guess it wasn't a total nightmare last night because in my dream - the usual school scene - I convinced a man who was in the wrong to commit suicide .  But I was woken up by this idiot singing upstairs .  Absolutely atrocious singing .

Good God .

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Nightmare last night

IN this infinite maze, haunted house populated with all sorts of monsters . . .  the escape was on a loop and I was getting out of breath  . 

I got a clue that if I go behind that door and turn twice there is like a smaller space in there which looked totally normal - a window to the normal life outside of this crazy world . I gotta solve a problem and say . . . respond to this radio "one and a half" and go hide under the bed in another room - and time will pass, like 12,000 years while the monsters would get eradicated. I did that. A man came in and said they developed chemical weapons against them .  So it's after 12,000 years.

I was truly terrified in that house. The monsters were . . . 


I don't know why I get nightmares all night every night when all I want to do is to get some rest .

how bored and lonely people are

Not just movies like Venom, there are so many phenomena and behaviors that can be explained with just people being bored and lonely. So much of the economy is circulating around this topic... theme... lifestyle. If this is the biggest problem of the century, fine. There is no sympathy from me. It makes looking backward so much simpler because I'm not missing out on anything.

The Lisianthus lasted 20 days btw. H'why didn't I tell you. I don't know.

There are new things that aren't disappointing. Devil May Cry 5 , probably. I've given up on Civ. I don't care about the DLCs and I probably won't care about Civ 7 .  I haven't started hoi4 and I haven't bothered with EUIV either .  I haven't played much game at all this year to be honest. DMC5 may very well become the only game I play in 2019 - which is fine .

I can't deal with people making a big deal out of half a percentage point. We've come pretty far to reach this level of stabilization, but to me it seems like stagnation, and I just can't.

I can't take NY Times seriously anymore after seeing the whole week of Thanksgiving the top article on the chart was about weight loss. It's so transparent. You can tell what their audience is, it's graphic. Plenty of shit went down that week and all they care about is how to lose weight. I mean, you know... just the demographics. Then again I do see it makes a good point from time to time. That thing just really puts me off though.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Stale - Inedible Health Food

I will never eat "specialty" health food again - I'd rather not eat anything at all than eat health food .

This isn't the future.  Oh by the way, I won't eat lab grown meat either. I'm going to eat the flesh off of real animals who can't- couldn't have suffered as much as I have anyway. Yeah, exactly - when you think about it like that - Why can't I have a nice piece of veal when the animal has not suffered 0.000000000000001% as I have ? Be glad I've eaten you .

Damn . Alright Diary . I know this isn't what you expected .

Monday, December 3, 2018

King's Creamer

Who knew there is an actual figurine inside of it ? Who would've thunk ?

Everything Sways me 

 I 'd think it is a good thing I'm open-minded, but it's paradoxical like that  -  should I always be open-minded ? What does that mean ?

 Today I realized I'm old - because it did not occur to me that someone younger than me was out there .  But they were - they are . To keep yourself always open-minded, does that in a sort of way means admitting defeat ? Yes, life is a long process . Yes, even I have to think about finding someone who can be a successor to me .  But it's so hard in admitting that there is no "self" - no real self, and we're all here to serve an abstract purpose .  You'll be much more comfortable if you disagree .

When was I ever comfortable, Diary .

Sunday, December 2, 2018

I wish nothing but the worst

for those people and more . 

I don't think anybody even myself knows how easily triggered I am .  All of the words that are used to describe various snowflakes can be used to describe me, except . . .

Oh I don't mean people here. It's people I've sort of lost connection with - but they're a problem, now I see .  I've been really unhappy with how stagnant things have been .  Especially when there's a big problem to be dealt with .

​I know for sure, and it's unfair. It's unfair to be lumped with people you don't identify with .  Right now I can't do anything besides wishing nothing but the worst for them . 

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Who would've thunk

1/12/0000  you'd think . .

Who would'v thunk that in the very short hour of me trying to masturbate and then ( in order to ) get out of bed I was interrupted 3 times to receive 3 packages of about 10 kilograms ?  Atlein makes some truly funky jerseys, I tell you.

You can easily get hypersensitive if you see everything as a trade off .   I won't do that .  I will try not to do that . 

The world is elastic. It gets wider, and then narrower, and somehow deeper and somehow shallower . . . while it pretty much stays the same, everything being equal to itself even in motion .  What I'm trying to say is . . . it's . .  you know h'what, I just forgot  -  never mind . 

Friday, November 30, 2018

I don't need opinions .

Last Day of November. First thing I want to say is, I don't need to observe opinions anymore. I have the confidence to make up and follow my own rules now .   God comes First, of course .  But when it's me versus other people . .

Did you realize that superstitions are also a placeholder for when there is no overarching opinion or guidance of governance ? 

The rules I'm setting up - they're not just principles. Principles are personal, they're my personality, essentially. But rules I follow- I make them, but I'm also bound by them, because I'm going to make them as close to Truth as possible. That's the only measurement.

I'm not saying that people don't pay attention to facts. Even the rotten media today is starting to pay more and more attention to facts, but everyone is still working an angle. I have no angle. I strive to see the world as God might view it. I will never achieve that level of . . .   but I'm going to push it as far as a human being can go . This is for me, for God, and for all people .

Thursday, November 29, 2018

nightmare last night

I wasted a bunch of time trying to help these miserable uncultured fucks and once they realized my help was free they started lagging and eating their god awful food and making me wait on them. My patience was wearing thin but for some reason I thought I'd see it through, that is until of course, they discovered my identity by going through my bag ( I didn't even know I had a bag ) . Now, I do believe every dream has a lesson & the lesson in this one is apparent enough.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018


This is illegal . 

I will throw up

Diary -

remember that when I don't talk to you, it's never because of good things. I feel so sick right now - from eating ice cream while watching Venom. It's so sickening. Everyone who likes Marvel has to be a retarded piece of shit, there is no way around it. I really want to throw up.

There are no things to look up to. I'd love to look up to someone - who is a living human being, or a work that's come out in our time. I can't look up to incremental improvement. I want to look up... look at a supernova. We don't have that anymore.

Ew no wait! I wasn't implying that I thought that film could be... ew ew ew!! No! NO !  Don't misunderstand me, please! No. I would like to see where some industry stand today and that's why I went and watched it. It's so gross and sickening. It's unbearable.

Some people say Elon Musk. Kids adore him because there is the cool factor, but it just turns my stomach ( the cool factor ). The other day I saw him saying in an interview that he doesn't want a future where we don't live on Mars and I liked that. I mean I still oppose the idea and remember what I said about human civilization on another planet, but at least he's not being boring.

There are distinctions about boring, Diary. Ha, we're not talking about that company, we're done talking about Elon Musk now. I mean, the reason so many people watched & liked this film is because of, I'm guessing, boredom. But it's very different kind of boredom. The total disgust I'm feeling right now is not a renewed boredom but a truly fundamental, existential loathing of absolute inferior things being produced let alone celebrated .

On the other hand at the same time, I feel like more and more people are syncing up .  There are indeed less and less dumb people in the world. People are beginning to think about similar things. I wouldn't call it a hive mind just yet. But tell me, could I survive in a hive mind? I don't think so. It never brings me comfort. To see others ponder what I'd been pondering up until that point was unnerving. This connectedness is unnerving. To think others can do what I can do is unnerving .  I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. I have to literally rise above the ocean of people to not drown. Is it comfortable down there? I don't know. I don't want to know.

Every day I'm tormented by this dread and a million other things .  I want our distance to be greater. I want the safety - the true comfort, to me - that they'll never touch me .  And I know I'll get that as long as I follow my own .

This familiarity can be too much. My whole life I've been searching for strangeness - new things in new environment that I can study and adapt to, and leave once it becomes too familiar. It sounds ridiculous but I'm running out of places to go. On this planet earth. You know what I mean. A town isn't different than the other town. You don't even need to go to the town to get to know the town. I wouldn't say every piece of information is readily available, but . . .  I don't want to look back .  I don't want to sit down and work on it. I still think there are places I should go. I still want to run. I still want to chase, but I don't have things I feel like I should chase after.

The good things are behind us. And before you say a word, I know, and you know, and God knows, that's not what I mean. What is lost is not necessarily dead .  But it feels like a resurrection is next to impossible .  What machines will we become ?

I'm desperate. I'm lost. I'll admit it. I'm so lost. The way is before me, I know where it leads, but I'm hoping for an alternative in my heart. The End is one way or the other, but I'm hoping for a third option . The best option that is not seen .

How do people survive all the lies and false promises if not by being ignorant ? This understanding is not sympathy; this consideration is not forgiveness.

I tidied up the kitchen a bit and now I feel a bit better. Venom did make me physically sick tho. Never forget that.

& Brexit isn't this big stupid thing. If there is one thing the English ( not necessarily all British )  is good at it's long term planning. Leveraging the rest of the world against the EU is very smart, especially after witnessing the rise of China and such .

I am still . . . The End Game got a lot bigger - now I know . I still . . .

Diary .  I  -

Tuesday, November 27, 2018



 rene magritte

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Sad as fuck

The Whole thing is sad as fuck .

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Sunday, November 18, 2018

OFC it's Sargent

I didn't recognize it right away .

Thursday, November 15, 2018

I'm being Tested .

Oddly, I believe this will help my find my old self .  I have to .

Lord Gaveth Rain


The Merciful Lord hath given me rain .  It's been . . . I don't know how long . But thank you .  Thank you . 

I was green with jealousy when I saw that in certain places it'll be snowing soon . But this quenches my thirst .

Thank you 

Wednesday, November 14, 2018


I've signed my own FTA ( Fair Trade Agreement ) with myself yesterday . I thought you should know .  FTA violations will incur fine and punishment , of course  .

Only when you grasp the hourglass at hand do you realize how fast Time elapses . 

( Every time I see Miguel Vergara, I see Miguel Viagra .  I don't know why . I know it's not funny . )

Monday, November 12, 2018

bitter, sweet & insipid

The aggravation is getting to me again .  It's like mosquito bites, or cockroaches - by the way, there has only ever been 2 cockroaches spotted here in 2 years and I'm pretty sure it's because I left the window open, and the other night it was a huge moth which hid itself in one of the wet towels and it was very gross and all, but in the end I got rid of it, so let's speak of it no more - it's like those things. I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have to. These . . . absolutely incompetent dimwit retards holding all these jobs. I couldn't care less if they just go home and collect welfare. I maintain my position. Get these people welfare and ban them from entering the workforce. I'm willing to pay 10% more on tax if it means I don't have to deal with these imbeciles again .

Stan Lee poisoned people. He led at least a whole generation of people to stray further away from true beauty, imagination, art and truth. He has left this world a worse place. I am able to separate the two, but it doesn't matter what good things he'd done otherwise, he has created comics that are truly awful, lazy, uninspiring, downright fugly & not to mention not innovative. Yet they've been hailed as the opposite all these years. You don't know how much time I spent hating or how many times I cursed when I saw the brainless fans cheered the absolutely inferior, lame, boring work of his. I hate the superhero archetypes more than anything. It absolutely disgusts me and turns my stomach. I'm in Europe now so it's better. It's a unfathomable nightmare in the US .

I'm so glad he is dead . His death is exceptionally meaningful to me .  It is as meaningful as a cult leader with any poisonous ideology who has a wide reach dying. 

This is the only thing that's making up for the aggravation I've had today .

No I'm fine. I'm OK.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

I'm not a d e t e c t i v e -

I know, and I don't take detective stories seriously - you can't take those seriously - but I wish I was more intuitive .

I wish I can tell what people do just by picking up little clues around them. And I wish I can figure out everything around me. I mean, the shop situation. What does it mean? I've been paying more attention since I had my suspicion, and I found out it had all sorts of people coming and going throughout the day and even at night. Some are just guys in street-wear, some are blue-collar types in work outfits and some are rather well dressed. Some of them don't look local. Why would they go to this sketchy place? What do they have in common ?  I began to suspect it's a drug dealing site. People go in and come out without any noticeable change about them. Recreational drugs ?

But then one night several guys pulled up a van that blocked the way and they started all sorts of work on the lock. I'm talking about drilling and all sorts of work that make sparks fly and require a mask. Then police came to check up on them. A dog walker reported it, I guess. The police went into the shop for a while and came out. No one got arrested and the guys kept working this whole time. And the next day a construction company came and sealed up the entrance with cement ? ? ?


The shop is no more. Where the door used to be, there is a concrete WALL now. What, the, fuck ?  I fee l like I've seen too much- no I've seen ENOUGH, definitely, to know what's going on, and I feel SO STUPID that I don't.

Now, I don't think Barcelona has the most wonderful, smart city planning like many suggest, the inner courtyard thing is fucked up in my opinion. But for whatever it's worth, I'm pretty sure the space is accessible from within the block. So maybe someone bought the space and just wants to close it to the public, and now they use it for storage or something and they have a private entrance from the courtyard. Yet also - could it be a police order? Like if they found something fucked up inside ?  I saw the uniform of people who built the wall and it belonged to a legitimate construction company. So. I don't know. Maybe it's normal - for people who own the space but do not want to open up shop. It's just weird to me that they first painted the shop window black, then locked and sealed it, and now built a wall outside of the roller shutter to completely conceal it.

I honestly feel so dumb right now. Why ?  Why ?  W H Y  ? 

I can't I -

Friday, November 9, 2018

It's Lisianthus , Baby .

I literally only had 2 hours of sleep last night .  But I made it in time, and the once-a-decade thing is taken care of now .

​I finally found a flower that's the right length for the vase .  It's Lisianthus, baby .  I've always wanted it , especially the purple one, since I first laid my eyes on it .

About the previous one though, the iris ,  I was so sure it was going to last 10 days . .  in the end, it smelled like ripe plum and . . 6 .  I can't break a week, can I ?

Let me see how many miles I've walked today . . 3.1 - I was nearly crippled by the end of it . It's definitely the shoes. Since I no longer wear sneakers or running shoes, I feel as though my option is slim .

As I was looking up this " how much people walk on average everyday " thing, I noticed something ridiculous. Someone had the gall to suggest one ought to walk 10,000 steps a day. What is that ?  That's like from Barceloneta to Horta. Who does that ? No one, I tell you, no one at all. OK, halve that to account for to and from, that's Barceloneta to Diagonal - still ridiculous .   I mean, this is in Europe where a lot of cities are very walkable and nice - whereas in the US, where people rely on cars, I mean, who walks so much in a day? Do they just circle their neighborhood w/ narrow streets sparsely dotted with uninteresting shops if they don't want to hit the gym?  Now, I don't mean to sound sarcastic. I'm actually curious, because as you can tell, I am on the weak side.

OK. I have to go to bed. Having the MSGM coat is like having a dog or a cat - the hair, oh .  It's fine .   No worries .

FYI btw, the Arab shop owner has finally warmed up to me and decided to be friendly. He did not overcharge me this time. Heck, if I didn't think it was a fair price or if their goods aren't so darn good  .  . 

Wednesday, November 7, 2018


I wasn't going to write an entry today but I noticed certain journalist has come under heat recently.  I don't remember the show's name, that's the thing. It's the very first show I've ever been on - I was at least 10 . But I don't remember it . Everything about that show except my segment seems so fuzzy .  I guess that also proves what the journalist said to me . .  h'well, about me, at the time, didn't bother me at all.

It was ancient, trivial, and it doesn't matter what the name of the show was. All that matters is I agree with the criticism I saw today and I'm glad people are talking about it.

I knew who I was; I am consistent.  I do remember it shocked me though. It's like a black person being told "you're too white", or a smart person being told "you're simply retarded". It contradicted with what I'd been hearing all my life and that's why it was so confusing. I questioned a lot of things, like what if that's the society's standard- what if that's what adults- people who truly matter- think of me? Now, even today, I don't think it's vain to worry about your looks because it's an important part of life. But I do think that having more important things prevented me from letting negative opinions get to me. She might have been honest, but she sure is a harsh person . That is, if only she was the host of that show I've been on.

Anyways. It might seem weak, but I do have to mentally go back to people who were attracted me from time to time. Being acknowledged on a superficial level provides a quick sense of security. To me it speaks nothing about self-worth, but it's as basic and important as health. I guess everybody is more or less addicted to it, hence mannerism. And since I've chosen this lifestyle, I have only less and less need for it .

That's it then. It baffles me why that woman remains a forefront journalist. Yeah she's got some impressive credentials, but how does she work in the "people business" with that attitude ?

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

non-linear trees

Stack Overflow is actually under-funded .  IMO . Doesn't mean it's functioning under capacity, oh . . actually that's exactly what I mean .

Anyway .

Diary, do you think the concept of " Principles " was solidified during the industrial revolution ? We had lots of morals before, and faith, but never so much confidence in such a rigid yet ever-changing system .  It's the industrial revolution, right ?  And so, in the next Stage of " Make - Belief ", what do you think ?

Will this hinder imagination ?

Some Conviction is always - Always  Necessary .

Monday, November 5, 2018

I'm not a gamer anymore .

By the way, I just want to say, I now realize I'm not a gamer anymore .  I haven't played a game of any kind in at least 2 months .  I mean, I came across this chess video today that's supposed to be interesting and the only thing I could think of was how flat the rules are, how monotonic the game actually is . That's for chess . I mean I never watch chess videos anyway but I typically didn't think of it this way .  The game cutscene movies have been disappointing as well, so .  I guess I have finished the transition .  I suppose no game will " pull me back ", unless Ubisoft unfucks Heroes 8 somehow - which is highly unlikely - or there is some other game that allows me to play as Inferno / necropolis and not just in a "you have all these units" way or only from the gameplay standpoint .

Games . . . fall short ,  generally  .

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Diary .

Diary . It says it's going to rain tomorrow, so that's good .  I had a semi-good dream last night, I don't remember what it was .

​For every ounce of joy there is a ton of pain, strife and despair .

I see it .  I understand the struggle . 

Friday, November 2, 2018

I am annoyed w/ a number of things .

First of all, a giant black bug / moth scared me last night. I was going to catch up on some reading in bed and it fucking flew toward the light into the wall, and I haven't seen it since. Anything is better than a cockroach, please.

What's worse than a possible cockroach is I finally sorted the LinkedIn situation. I re-registered the domain, configured the mailbox to get back to my account - only since their big update they don't ask for the re-verification no more, but what annoys me is after at least a year of hiatus, there is so little activity on there.

It's not like this hasn't occurred to me .  I'm just annoyed . I don't need the platform but it just annoys me a whole bunch .   I really began questioning some of my early choices. There is no going back so I really shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't help but wonder if I had picked the wrong school . The one way to reduce my annoyance and disappointment is to look forward, I know that.

The realization is I went to school with actual nerds.

To be clear, nerds are not problem solvers. From generals to plumbers, people of all walks of life can be problem-solvers. Nerds are, and the reason that they're hated, is that they're actually short sighted and narrow minded. When a smart person is like that, it's annoying to no end. For example, Sherlock Holmes isn't a nerd, but Sherlock Holmes fans are nerds. They'd waste time remembering and picking faults with minuscule fictitious details. Nerds cannot actually innovate anything and they have no ambition. I went to school with them. How sad.

But I looked at alumni from other schools and it looks like similar stories across the board. As of early 2010s, I'd say it's still a safe bet to go to an actual school, but now, unless you already know who you're going to fraternize with ( which is kind of boring ) , going to college is actually dumb. The value of a college, so singular and contained, cannot rival the ocean of information and infrastructure floating out there. Of course, as an authoritative institution it still has its footing in academia, but I don't see any college being able to adapt to the new order of things.

I am so sad Aaron Swartz died .  It's strange how I randomly think of his death and by connection Kim Dotcom etc.

The people who dress up as saints are no longer saints.

What a mess . That's it for now .

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Nov 1


Just because I haven't talked to you in the past two days doesn't mean I haven't had nightmares. I've had two back to back, each of them was ridiculous in its own way and I expect nothing less tonight.

There is also this other fictitious scenario stuck in my head and I don't know why. It's me having a conversation with a girl and I was saying how mango is my favorite fruit ( it is ) and I'd love to reincarnate as a mango, and Erlich Bachman (yeah, from the show) overheard it, and he outed me in front of a lot of people ending with " . . . and why you want to reincarnate . . as a mango . "

I don't like these weird scenarios stuck in my head. I'm even starting to question if I should remember my dreams. Yeah I forget about them pretty quickly but I wonder if I should be paying attention to them in the first place. I thought it'd be fun to tell you but - we'll see . 

Also .  Am I paranoid, Diary, or is there some suspicious character living on this street? I discovered today that one shop had its windows painted black - not treatment, I'm talking about hand-painted with black ink. A sloppy job, too, and everything about it was shady as fuck. I've always thought this would be the perfect spot for some dirty deals to go down - despite it being in the center of the city .

How are the Mossos doing, by the way ?  This is supposed to be the All Saints' Day and I don't . . I like this holiday though. I like all holidays dedicated to Saints.


Monday, October 29, 2018

now stabbing dream

Now I'm getting stabbed in my dream. We're moving from outside to inside. The terrifying thing is the room looks a lot like my real home. It's this middle aged man dressed up in rags like he's homeless, and he's holding the knife, and my dad is in the background and I think he also had a knife. I had a knife, too, though a small one, the size of the scissors you use to cut threads with. I kept hoping my dad would help me take this man down, but he kept pretending to have phone calls and going from room to room, all the while the man was approaching me. I finally gave up hope and decided to fight him myself. I had a strong conviction that I still remember now -  " so what if I have to fight him alone? It's not like I don't have a weapon. My weapon is small and I may get stabbed, but I'll defeat him . "

It's no mystery that my dreams are spawned from my immense distrust in mankind and huge despair for the world . There is no need to analyze it.

I exhausted all the hot water today while exfoliating myself in the shower. I came out. I am still not alright.

I only want to play this game with people who know the rules, Diary, and there are so few of them. So few of us. When two people meet - when any number of people meet - it's only meaningful if there is a clash of values, and it only matters if the clash of values will lead to something significant. I avoid waste and needless sacrifice at all cost, but I never shy away from conflict .  The  pieces  are , however , far between in space and time .

I'd still fuck Gin .

I almost forgot -  I heard some disturbing things about Gin . People were calling him "useless grass" in Japanese  ( literal translation -  I guess that's a new slang ) because he really didn't accomplish much in the face-offs .  First of all, no .  The world of Case Closed is very much unbalanced, everyone knows that .  In my world -  one which I'd fuck him , the Org as a whole will actually put up a good fight .  I mean, the flaws people point out are still valid, but way the world is set up is insanely not fair .  It's fine if some critical fans call him "grass" but I'm not going to let that affect me into not fucking him .

I may now dig my nails into his skin since he appears weaker than I first thought .

I r i s

How can I not spend the first 10 minutes after shower in front of a mirror ?  I look so good with red glow . Shower is fantastic .

 but let me tell you about the apocalyptic dream I had last night. Words cannot describe it, actually - I'm just going to say it and hopefully you can recall the full scenario. I don't think I can ever forget the scene. There has never been so many deaths in one dream. A whole city was demolished. It's the End of the World scenario. Apparently I lived near this airport and all of the sudden the city started collapsing, and all these scaffolding and construction bits, so many things that are like radio towers and construction cranes fell from the sky, like 500 meters from above- and 7 or 8 of them just fell over me, and I remember wishing for a quick death. I don't know if they hit me but I clearly remember I couldn't move, I just stood and watched them- these huge towers- fell &  it was so terrifying. The city was being razed. These things destroyed many airplanes, in the end only 1 was working. I remembering hiding in the ruins in the airport and listening to the radio broadcast. Everything was in ruins. In the End.  Everything was coming to an end. The End. It was the End. The End. THE END. This dream truly instilled fear in me. Words just cannot describe it. It's so vivid. It was dark and grim. The earth, dirt and smoke. I could hear! I could hear things collapsing! I could feel it! It was so real. I hope you remember all the details at this hint.

​I woke up to an overcast day .

This is not exactly what I had in mind when I got the tall vase. Yeah I'm sure this will last 10 days but looks like I need extra tall flowers now. I need a medium vase. I have a small one and a big one, now I need an in-between. 
I'll start creating arrangement after I'm done appreciating all varieties individually . ( Roses & carnations are exceptions )

By the way, as I was putting this down, I noticed it cast a very interesting shadow . On the yoga mat .

Saturday, October 27, 2018

O h

I can keep living here if it keeps raining like this, which it won't, but the air is so fresh right now I can smile the ocean from . . . one mile away.

Can you believe I was involved in a performance art piece yesterday? "Involved", in a minor capacity .  I wanted to tell you as soon as I came back, but I was too tired. As I sat there watching the double panel film, I began to wonder if museum can exalt any message, or that there are only so few platforms left that are suitable for a strong voice, contrary to what it seems. Yeah, I mean, there is evidence.

And there was a wall of text that spoke my mind. I didn't have time to check out the introduction before I got invited to participate in the performance art thing - I really should, because I don't know if the artist is in agreement with the wall or against it. Common sense tells me they have to be against it. But I agreed with it. "Safe, sacred or sane". OK I found it. The wall of text is Jenny Holzer's "Inflammatory Essays", and the wall is made of the colorful originals. Nobody spent long enough in front of that wall to read all the pieces, that's my problem. People never spend enough time in front of a single artwork. They're just walking and busy being confused. No.

The other day I found out I was a hardcore leftist, if you have to label me in the American standard. There is no more question and I don't need to take any more online political test. I found out about that in an article. And yes, I suppose I am a feminist even though I would never participate in their demonstration. We act radically differently towards the same goal, that's what I learned. The modern feminist movement still focuses on deconstructionism, which I have a big problem with. But it's good to know that we're working toward the same end even though our paths are so different.

Wait. Just a second.

I don't know. I understand, I sympathize, that's all. I can't say we really share the same goal when our values are different. I know I never belong to any camp . . .  an act is an act, I suppose. An identity was solidified, and I'm actually drifting further and further away from that supposed camp .

Friday, October 26, 2018

Trust issue

Diary, how much do you want to share with the world ?  Well, I've shared so much with you . . .

You're getting on whoever's car, having whoever deliver your stuff, having whoever cook your food. Now they're talking about brain interface. I don't think merging our thoughts is the way to get super-intelligence. First of all, you can't merge opposite views. You can't merge "I love Y" and "I hate Y". The futurists haven't thought this one through. I know how they think. They haven't figured out step one of thought-merging, which you don't need high tech to run tests for; you just need to observe two people talk .  It's a dangerous and stupid step, this. Humans need clear guidance.

Yes, I'd be very happy to relegate most of the human tasks to AI- AI-enabled objects and procedures, absolutely. I don't believe in collective intellect. I just don't.

And I know, we're sacrificing less and less of our herd in exchange for progress. Maybe 0.1% uber drivers will want to kidnap you, and it'll be 0.01% in the future. Maybe self driving car will be 1000x safer than humans driving. As outrageous as it sounds, I don't think that is the point .  I've said that the way to measure an adult's success is their ability to fulfill their fantasy, but I'm beginning to wonder if the quality of our fantasies has gone down . It definitely has if you take what you heard for granted. As for myself, I know clearly so .  Conquering the galaxy will mean nothing if we're just going to build the same civilization that we have now , even based on the same principles .  Sure, we can live on Mars. Can we have a better civilization on Mars ?  I don't think so.  So what if we live on Mars ?   It doesn't really matter . 

I maintain that humans have peaked. Every day I challenged myself on this view, and at the end of every day my conclusion is validated.  I believe what humans want, what humans are capable of and what humans ought to do are very different things, and it's sad that these have been used interchangeably for so long .

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Once upon a time

Can yo believe that Once Upon A Time, not too long ago that I actually seriously thought about designing and SELLING underground bomb shelters ?  The idea seriously appealed to me at the time -  I found myself thinking about all kinds of designs for vaults throughout the day. I have never played Fallout, by the way. I think the only thing I like about that game is the Vault-boy adverts.


Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Extreme Stress

I used to adjust the volume to 26-30 at night, as supposed to 40-60 in day time .  Now it's 10 . What does that mean?

I'm overly sensitive because I'm under immense pressure .  I can't help it. How are you going to cope when you've learned that there is so much fluff out there ?  I can't accept it. I can never accept it. The language has been misused and recycled .

When the world is done leveling, do you think the vast majority of land, which will contain poor people- actually most lands will be owned by the very few, but fact will remain that most inhabited land belongs to the poor- do you think it'll all become a no-go zone?

You could anchor yourself and explore the radius, I guess. No. It's not that. I'm under stress. Too much stress.

Monday, October 22, 2018

no forum

the fundamental underlying insecurity any human with intellect thus also works of intellect is not knowing, or telling the truth .

Math is what, how & why, is it ? Is it Discovery or Invention? Are the rules really  universal ?

We can't go to the end of the universe to test those theories. It's in our heads... and within our grasp, I guess.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Cheer up a lil

The weather has been great and by that I mean raining. It's been raining every other day and I'm so grateful .

​The raining sound is so soothing and the thunders are so arousing. I could listen to this for hours . . .  no , Days . . .

​And it's the perfect temperature indoors. It's warm just because of my presence. And that coolness whenever I open the window . .

Tonight may have been the best night.

I want autumn to last forever, Diary, but it can't always be autumn. Trees must grow leaves first, the budding, the greening, the lushness, then the brief fall, and falling - until they're all gone, and again. Autumn is such a brief period of time. It's so beautiful, yet so short. It's almost unbearably short. You can always find a place that's always hot or always cold, but you can never find a place that's always in autumn. Yet something so short, autumn is my season .

I . .

YT Reflection

I can't believe I lost the draft. It's OK. Forces me to get lean.

To recap, I watched shane dawson's jake paul series with AdBlock, I subscribed to his channel solely for notification and unsubscribed immediately after the last part came out. This is what I get :

1. shane dawson is running this kind of internet celeb custom PR service. He gets good press for controversial figures and befriends them for benefits down the road and reaps a bunch of views, it's just business. The senseless stretching of absolutely no content is unholy, however, and the blatant lies about working hard (which some people will regurgitate even in front of evidence of one inferior video after another) is an insult to anyone who's actually worked hard a day in their life.

2. The whole sociopath angle is hilariously pointless, but was crucial for me to discover the Better Help Scam arc. The Scam is infinitely more important than the series which is essentially useless and harmless. It exposes (other than the scam itself) who YouTube's core userbase is: the YouTubers' main purpose is to sell low quality POD "merch" or other white label products, push referral codes and affiliate links, beg for donation and now they'll lie about anything to scam, and their audience will gobble it up because they're so bored and poor (ironically making the Youtubers' success) and their standard for entertainment is so low. This climate affects at least 60 million people.

3. I get this weird vibe that shane dawson wants jake paul to throw his family under the bus. Not that I have a moral stance on this thing since people have been doing it since caveman days & it'll continue forever, but as this girl alissa violet told her story and talked about her thought process, all I could think of was how the brothers would laugh it off about how they fucked the same silly girl some time ago. In a traditional society, a man fucking a woman is taking and a woman getting fucked by a man is giving. Alissa is not getting any revenge by giving herself twice to both brothers. And just like jake paul would save his relationship with his brother rather than a non-girlfriend, he is obviously not going to throw his family under the bus in this interview. The kid tried so hard to hold back, evading all those 'but if you want to (throw them under the bus)... it's ok' and he did ( for good reason). That's why we get nothing.

That's all. I don't consider it a waste of time even though I have to mentally prepare myself for the boredom and insipidness before watching each video and cope with the loss of time afterward, because I have learned about the Better Help Scam and got to understand the platform better.

 b t w

That Kati Morton alone explains why there is no such thing as actual therapy. She looks cold, ignorant yet entitled and completely untrustworthy. All therapy is is to force you to solve your own problems while the therapist keeps a record of it and makes money off of your misery. All therapists are sadists, completely opposite of sympathy. There really doesn't need to be more explanation. It's just a Scam whether in person or online as much as Better Help.

Really, that's it.

Thursday, October 18, 2018



Would you believe if I told you this is my favorite flower .

​It's true .

I got to think a lot about responsibility today . . . taking a lot of responsibility. It is the Only thing to do in life, so .

I will it. Yes, I will it .

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

On my nerves

Why am I so impatient with a thing I have to do every 10 years ? 

I don't know.

Are you looking forward to riding the metro and walking for hours? Neither am I.  I'll do it.  It's good for the soul. Walking never clears my head but I can go for a walk.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Do you want a hideous passport photo ?

Because now you have one. I can't go back there anymore. I've wasted 10e down there and each time it's so hot in there and the photo looks like crap. No more booth. And imagine my despair when I found out it's still summer today... at least 30C in the station. Probably 26-27 outside, nothing like 21-22 said on the weather report. Never trust weather report.  It rained last night though so I'm happy about that .

You know what about the scaffolding though, it might have been a blessing in disguise. At first I was annoyed with the noise, but with the slacking they've got going on, I've got a net curtain that blocks the view somewhat from the creeps across the street for over a month now . They can't look over here anymore in day time, how neat is that .  It's still creepy though. The other night I caught an ABSOLUTE UNIT of a man staring straight at me even with my blinds drawn. He could see my silhouette in my bed and I could see his in his window. I also caught him staring in day time before ( near evening ) and I immediately drew the blinds. That time at night I had to quickly turn off the light. It's fucking gross. I hate having to respond to this. They're all casual like "Oh I can look whenever I want" and I have to fucking let down the blinds and turn off the light? Fuck that. Fuck any city. City life is the worst. I'm also cursing all heinous men, young or old, that do creepy shit like this. Fuck off and die .

I hope my knife set will arrive some time this week. If not, well I'll just have to wait won't I . 

Appointment is a lot sooner than I'd initially expected.  Don't be late .

Despair & Salvation

I understand but I -

Sunday, October 14, 2018

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Let me paint you a picture :

You wouldn't hang around in a graveyard, you wouldn't live on a landfill, you wouldn't forage for food in a dumpster, so why are you spending so much time in backward places on the internet? Curiosity? No, I think that's over.

But everywhere else you look, it's a whole lot of nothing as well. So much has been built up that this has become affordable, but it's also so painful. I hate looking back, but sometimes it feels there is only looking back- for a more picturesque view.

Let's get through the profiles no matter what.

​Now that the hierarchy is clear.

Everything is not rosy; everything can't be rosy


Saturday, October 13, 2018

Day 0

I like it when you dine outdoors and the wind blows the salad out of your plate onto the face of a goose that's just passing by. And the goose eats it and it's happy .

100% Pure Paradise

Friday, October 12, 2018

" I'm chilling, man "

Why is there always someone, or people that's "chilling" when they're not supposed to? Like there's a big moment & they're "just chilling" and acting all casual? Totally out of place. So clueless and annoying. FUCK OFF.

I can't stand people who are ALWAYS fucking "just chilling". Fuck off to another planet ffs

Cringe & Focus

I had a funny dream last night man. It makes no sense so I'm not telling it.

But I'm reminded of my own cringy experience in Poland ( a g a i n ) . I did a lot of cringe stuff in Poland . . .

The other day it occurred to me, I have 70 hours / week to work on stuff that truly matters . Not one hour more. The rest is all devoted to consumption. "Enjoying life". So to speak. So, that's clear.

I'm a human being.  So it all makes sense.

7-8 hours for sleep. Still 6-7 hours left. That's a lot. 1 hour for showers. 1-2 for food. Still 4 or more hours left. That's a lot, for real. I gotta be more selective about how I spend that time man. I really wasn't selective at all prior to this point. I've said this all my life but I keep falling back on the same habits. I can't do that no more. I can't let kids con me, are you fucking kidding me?

YouTube & reddit? Any internet personality or drama at all ? Come on. Please. I feel stupid. I don't have to view things from their angle no more since I'm constantly reminded that they're fucking retarded. Worst of all, I'm part of the problem since I'm contributing to giving them attention. I can see from my adult point of view that these kids will regret what they do and say in less than a year. What the fuck. I guess I've truly grown up now. I don't even want a shred- a single trace of that kiddie shit in my life.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Motion Sickness

Livestreams still make me physically sick.

No more. Just highlights from now.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

On the other hand

I don't have those MMPI 2 files now. I know you shouldn't self-diagnose, but I swear I can do better than so many of the so called "professionals" with that handbook. I'll tell you why all shrinks are sham later. I'd just really like to see how I'm faring now compared to the last time I took it in 2016... 2014? 2013? Definitely within 5 years.

Anyway. The last time I went through the process and chronicled about it here, I scored pretty high in persecutory fantasy and schizophrenia, so if that's that, I have nothing to worry about. I know for a fact I don't have persecutory fantasy about the things I'm actually sacrificing, but having to keep it a secret and all may have exacerbated my stress and I have probably developed actual persecutory fantasy about other stuff as a result . I know the difference .

But I'm still going to buy a pocket knife though. I've relegated stuff like this so much to Google that I just searched "weapon shop". No I don't want a gun. I fucking hate guns. Their looks, the way they work, everything about them. ( Note : this doesn't contradict the statement I made a couple days earlier; I did use Guns & Ammo to help myself sleep in college. ) Nukes or knives - all the way. Where the fuck do I even go to buy a Swiss army knife?

It's sold on ECL website l o l


OK wait W T F

You wanna tell me why they sell Winchester semiautomatic rifles on that website too ? ! ? !

K i d n a p p i n g D r e a m

The weather report had been lying for 3 days as it said it's going to rain for 3 days straight and I didn't see a single drop, but tonight when it said the probability is 90-100%, it had to deliver. What's better than taking a very hot bath while it's raining outside? Just gorgeous. Wish I could hear some thunders soon.

Who knew in just 5 - less than 6 hours of sleep, one could have two kidnapping dreams back to back? I had a remarkable dream the other day, too that I've ironically forgotten- but let me tell you now.

The first dream occurred in this absolutely dark coal town. It reeks of heavy industry and the factories are tall and immense, and more importantly than anything the toxic smoke covered the sky and every building is black because it's covered in tar and coal. Now. This is supposed to be Milan ? ! Or the other city. I just got off the plane there and I needed to go to Milan, or the other way around. Now this scene was immediately unnerving, and it seemed there were only these large silver buses that ferried people around. I joined a bunch of people to wait in line and they were very loud and obnoxious, which drove me to make the mistake of leaving them. I walked around the very dark, very dangerous and very industrial-looking town and when I came back, all the buses and people were gone. All the people who needed to leave like myself have boarded the buses and left, and no more buses will come. All that is left in this town are locals now. Fear started swallowing me as I ran around the town over and over again in circles and saw these shadowy locals lurking about. Even children playing football looked so ominous to me. I encountered this gang member in black suit in this alley and I knew I had to get past him to find a way out, but he stopped me and asked for a sum of money that's a currency of the town which equaled to $3000. I thought it was absurd and no one has that much cash on them so I turned and ran away, but I encountered another gang member in the other way, and they kidnapped me.

That's where the first dream ends.

Soon I was thrown into this other scenario where I apparently was still being hunted but blended in with these middle school children (so I guess I was about that age, too) on a field trip. I made friends with a girl and told her what's going on. The school bus stopped at one point and all the students poured out, taking a break or whatever. Me and my friend used the restroom on the side of the road and went back on the bus and exchanged a few words with the bus driver, and the bus started moving again. In an hour or two while we were on the road I suddenly realized we were not going the right way, and the bus driver smiled... smirked and said, "haven't you noticed that this bus is empty?" I looked around and indeed there were only me and my friend in there! The kidnappers have sent an identical bus that drove away as soon as I boarded and I haven't noticed anything. I immediately panicked. And then the bus turned into an ordinary car- light bluish like one of those cars in the 70s that you can always find by the beach. I sat next to the driver and I realized he was not one of the kidnappers but someone hired for the transport. I asked how much he's getting paid and he said 510-520 per mile, and I said I will pay him 25% more if he let me go. I had an inkling that the kidnappers wanted to kill me. They must want me dead. Because the inheritance I got in the beginning of the dream (this whole time I thought the kidnappers were going after my inheritance from grandma) was $17,884 while they were willing to pay the driver so much more. I had to make him believe I can top that. Anyway, in the end he asked if I wanted to live with him for 30 days, and I firmly said no. And even in my dream I was conscious about what's going to happen, so I literally ended it. I started waking myself up from the dream at that point knowing it wouldn't have a happy ending.

It's so strange. The first thing I decided when it's over was I need to carry a knife with me at all time from now on. At least a Swiss army knife set. I don't want something like this to happen only to remember that I had this dream and wrote about it in my diary. You don't think this is going to happen the next time I go out to explore, right? Do you?

It made me think. My first mode of protection has always been to not establish connection with people in the first place, but if a situation is really sprung up on me, I don't know if I can handle it. Can I really escape from a kidnapper? - I don't know. Why did I have these dreams?

Why would anyone kidnap me ?

I don't want you to say "it's just a dream"  -  because when I remember everything so vividly I . . .

Monday, October 8, 2018

Only Lasted 5 Days !

What the hell did I do wrong .

Sunday, October 7, 2018

A Circle So Small That No One -

A Circle so small that no one can afford discrimination. What it means, if I find another one of its kind, even if it's a disabled bisexual 8/8 parts of different ethnicities with questionable morals and weird kinkz, like even if he or she fucks goats and gives blow job to cats and dogs, and has a criminal record and is generally a nefarious person, I shall be over the moon. That's how small the Circle is. I know in reality they're much more normal like myself.

My only kink is I only want to fuck fictional characters. How bad do you feel when you know the guys you want to fuck don't exist until you make them ? All responsibility falls on me . Give it time. I swear to God I will make them in Italy. Until then I must refrain from hentai and porn. Refrain a little.

Anyway. Another reason for detachment: most problems most people have don't apply to people in this Circle. Of course I still experience some of them, because of my distrust in people, but is it really? Is it not because I lack common sense sometimes ? It's necessary to hold the distrust in people, but I lack common sense. I don't know if that has to do with age. It has to do with a lot of stuff, but I ought to do better at this point.

Did you watch the latest JoJo episode? I mean the 1st episode of the latest season? I haven't, no. I need to fuck Jotaro very badly. It's frustrating.

The trend I've observed from hentai these years is also very frustrating. I don't think it'll be hard for me to not watch hentai for a few months. In the early 2000s there were plenty cool hentai with good looking guys, though one giveaway of Japanese western themed fantasy is the boring ass big shoulder plates, and that's annoying. I find myself to put up less and less with how they incorrectly portray other cultures in other times and how consistently they use the same portrayals over the years. But now. Now is way worse. Now there are a fuckton of companies specialized in making GROSS MIDDLE AGED men fucking cute girls (as usual). It's a main difference I've observed from men vs women. Women wouldn't want to watch porn where an ugly chick fucks a hot guy, even though by definition half of women are below average. No. Women always hold their appearance to a higher standard. They'd even go so far as to put on make up and have plastic surgery. Men on the other hand, need people to accept them as who they are. So if the teens who loved hentai have become FUCKING GROSS LOSERS now, they'd still want to see themselves featured in their fantasy. They wouldn't hold themselves to a higher ideal. A lot of men don't give a fuck about how they look. It's sad. I thought I hated the generic anime protagonist look, you know, short hair & white shirt, all that, I was wrong. The variety of out of shape men totally turns me off more than anything. There is only one hentai I've found so far that is relatively recent that features a decent-looking guy: the Rance series.

I'm very disappointed. The Japanese society has put out all sorts of propaganda pressuring poor young women into marrying GROSS men. They try to make it look like a norm that a cute or capable woman should be with a FUCKED UP WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. I don't think women are buying it. We ARE more sensitive to aesthetics, after all. I bet anything that even though I haven't seen ANY SIGNAL out there, there must be more women who are planning to make intelligent sex robots to satisfy their needs. All these hentai is so GROSS. It's so unfair. Imagine, if you're a hideous guy, now you get to see yourself fucking a beautiful girl in hentai. But if you're a pretty girl, you're told all hot guys are gay or whatever. No, I know it's not true and I I know there are good looking guys in porn, they're just bad at it. It's so disappointing. And what do the good looking guys feel about all the out of shape men in hentai & porn? I never asked.

"What are men good for?" No I didn't ask that! You asked that! A lot of things, of course. Everything, even- everything except sex, that is.

It's so unfair.

I'm going to fuck Jotaro so hard (when I've made him in a few years) that he comes to life.

Also hentai doujinshi - I don't know much of the stuff that's out there these days so it doesn't matter to me, but since they often have better style than hentai, I can still enjoy them even if I don't know what it's about. Still, there are like only 10- less than 10- hentai artists I whose style I like. I really want to show them how it's done. Some day. Like, most colored teasers you see is just like sakimichan's fan art. Some sheer swimsuit with sweat or cum on it, leather/latex, etc. Very little movement and the girl fills the frame and just looks dumb, surprised (for whatever fucking reason) or climaxing with very little painted background or embellishment. It's just boring. It actually has to do with humanity. Erotic art is actually an actual art and it actually has to do with humanity. Consider Pin-ups. As much art as Rockwell and Frank Frazetta. These people don't know how to do hentai. I classify sexualizing game art like those with boob plate as hentai too btw.

But these people don't know how to do sexy. I'll show them. Once I'm in the mood & have the time. Never? Probably. I have to prioritize other things before that, even in hours of leisure. I've become genuinely interested in hardware in the engineering research process.

I'll say it again.

I'm going to fuck Jotaro so hard (when I've made him in a few years) that he comes to life.


Fall-colored setup looking good. ( Corona beer is not too bad . )

Finally watched EP1 of JoJo Golden Wind today. I hear it's a long one so I should wait till when it's over. Naples eh?

Never noticed it before but now I cannot unsee the strange complex, that in these anime and manga there are always these blonde blue/green-eyed characters who are half Japanese, even though in reality that probability is next to nil. A half Asian-White will always turn out to look more Asian since the blonde hair and blue/green eyes are recessive phenotypes. The Japanese reject that idea. It has nothing to do with the fact that anime and manga can have characters with all sorts of crazy colored hair. It's the fact that those characters are 100% Japanese, behaving like Japanese and subscribe to Japanese ideologies and the only thing different is how they look. It's a typical East vs West thing. I've learned about it last year in an interesting journey starting from /r/hapas to the whole side... sub culture of mixed race people. Reality is more interesting than fiction a lot of times.

I really want to unsub most of the yt channels, but how else am I going to find out a thing such as "Tik Tok" even exist? Am I required to know every single app that has a big market share? I mean, it's segregation, right? I don't ever need to advertise anything on there much less interact with those people, so does it have anything to do with me? No. I'm fine not knowing about it.

And yeah I will talk to you about the documentary phenom and the scams it unfolds once it's done. I'm never going to shy away from the fact that I watch trendy stuff. I wonder what is the cut off point though, like at what point do people start watching it because so many others have already watched it? I'd say 5-6 million views. Not a lot. It's incredible .

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Favorite color btw

I member thinking about how much I love pumpkins when I was lying in bed last night. Yellow-ish orange versus blood orange tho.

Me, being naive, probably got sun-burned today . . .

Anyways . What was it again ? What was I going to say ?

I did have something to say.

Anyhow. Whenever I go to Navarro I do not want to give up, like I want to decorate the loft with all sorts of plants again. But coming home and remembering the ways all the plants I had died and how I could not save them, I can't. To see color drain from a flower and watch it wither, and even the toughest plant loses its life, it's just, it's just so impossible and hard. I might have missed a few very simple things that's caused this, but I'm not ready yet. I thought about getting tall vases, too. That might happen. Still, no flowers lasted more than 7 days. I think they ought to last longer.

I've always found romance in the idea of a necromancer, but I actually am very afraid that I'll become someone who if I touch something, that thing dies .

Anyway. My favorite color is orange. Yellow-ish orange. It's autumn, it's fall, it's pumpkin, it's inferno. It's sweet and cute and passionate. Yet more destructive than anything except black and red. It's fire. ( Fire ain't red, show me a fire that's red )

OK then .

Monday, October 1, 2018


I believe it was the first time for me to have a dream about a fashion show, and it turns out to be about family.

Anyway. How horrifying is this. How fast is Time.

How great is calendar. The minute it hits October, and certainly on and starting from October 1st, there has been a sharp drop in temperature. Overnight people's dresses changed. I shouldn't see spaghetti straps no more. It's magical. Summer is officially over. I am over the moon.

Keep in mind this usually started in September. It's been a whole month late.

I feel alive again. The chill keeps me calm.

Saturday, September 29, 2018


They're serious about it. I went to AF but it was closed today. It's supposed to be open according to Google. Later I found out about yet another protest and I reckon the shop owner & staff attended that. It's very likely.

I don't know. This is affecting me. You may think it's only affecting me a little and "think of how it's affecting the OG residents" but no.


Not bored by the way. It's just October is coming and it's frightening.

Friday, September 28, 2018





WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE IT I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to so look forward to September every year, it's fall, it's autumn, it's the coolness and ultimate comfort. None of that here! It's even almost October already, and the giant fucking sun is still up there toasting everything!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a botched photo panel and I had to abort two items on the itinerary which are actually important.

You don't know how many things the weather has ruined. You don't know how much weather affects me. There is literally no dignity under the sun. The sun gives no dignity. I don't remember ever asking for more sun.

Remember I said the day could always get worse? I did. It just fucking did. I found out the Endesa fucks lied to me and did not filed the emergency under "urgent". It should've occurred to me when I saw everyone who waited in their office lobby was over 60. I am a naive prick to think everything will be faster and more reliable dealt in person, face to face.

Even better. I am now more comfortable with the idea of further removing myself from society.

I keep wanting to curse myself for making this choice, again and again, but I have to stop. 3 years is a long time, but it's a worthy price to pay to figure so many things out and be certain of the next 20 years.

We are past the mid point, anyway. It's almost October- even the sun and the heat can't stop October from coming, then it's 3 months and a year. One more summer. I have to endure one more summer, then no more. No more. Never more.

I have to be cruel to myself. I have to have discipline. I have to endure this. I must endure this. All of it. All of it is here to test me. I had much tougher days, I had so much more misery. I must do this. I must.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Can't imagine what Julian Assange is going through

I was going to complain about something in my life today, but then it occurred to me, I can't imagine what Julian Assange is going through. Being held up there for so many years. It's not as usual as the "disappointment" and "aggravation" I constantly talk about. I think I'm pretty tough for putting up with people and enduring the constant disappointment and aggravation they give me, but this is on a whole different level.

Whenever I think of Julian Assange, I think of Kim Dotcom, and Aaron Swartz (RIP). I don't think of Snowden, cause you see, I don't feel for people who's definitely in a certain camp. No. Julian, Kim and Aaron are in nobody's camp. They stand for truth and justice. And though they're met by different levels of injustice, the three always occur in my head at the same time.

​It's all tragedy. People will force you to pick camps, and then punish you for not picking their camp, and you must pick existing camps. We already know truth alone isn't powerful enough. That's the despair.

When was truth alone enough ?

Do " m o s t  p e o p l e " care - as long as they have other ways to become happy?

Is it that you can only choose one - happiness or the truth ?

I mean, at one time.

Tuesday, I was happy. Wednesday, I found the truth.

What is solidarity, Diary? What is the best way to show solidarity? Not a march, that's for sure. It isn't something you have to do on purpose. If your values align and you're being truthful to yourself, you're already doing it all your life - all my life.

They say " b e  y o u r s e l f " . That's true. But not " just be happy". Or "to seek happiness".

 Once .

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

One Q & A

Remember, Diary. If the Question is  -  " C a n  t h i s  D a y  G e t  a n y  W o r s e "

the answer is always "  Y  e  s  " .

Monday, September 24, 2018

Day 4 B T W

" a n c i e n t " b t w

Diary, do you think it'd be a good idea to upload doodles from time to time, now that I'm fairly disillusioned about the artistic value of this type of sketch ?


A lot of times I see the faults in others, but most of the time I see the mistakes I made myself.

It's been a long, very long time since my last fasting. It has to happen.

1. I deserve whatever it is happening to me.
2. I need to remember this lesson.

It's ironic how true it is. Only I didn't see it in myself. No one is perfect, even though all of us should be.

This isn't the sort of mistake that would lead to any good thing.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Cloud | Sharding | SSD

What I'm saying is, I need peace of mind .  It's so hard to come by these days. Every second I'm being pressed to find there is some new issue to solve.

Peace of mind. Maybe there is no such thing.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Senegalese in loc

OK I can't get over it so I looked it up. So some of these people are illegal immigrants from Senegal who became street vendors. Apparently they've had some bad blood with the police, who actually tried to do something about them taking over the sidewalks but resorted to violence, which is probably why they don't want to touch them now anymore. And some of the Senegalese try to legitimize their business- making it an actual business- which I respect, but as for people who are still selling on the street, not just the street vendors with fake goods but also painters on ramblas and the souvenir shops in all of the major tourist spots- just because there are a million people passing by every day doesn't mean they're going to be paying customers. The people who want to visit Sagrada Familia and your clientele are probably very different - very little overlap to say the least. Traffic is not linearly correlated to profit.

The "painters" and souvenir shops, I don't want to say anymore because they're not really in danger. But what can illegal immigrants do to actually get their life on the right track- any right track? These people are here, these people are square, and they are selling fakes while enduring the heat on the square. As soon as I said that I realized they're probably very used to the heat. In Senegal. In North Africa. Anyway - point is they can live more meaningfully and contribute to the actual economy. It needs to happen.

short hair forever

It's done. Contador isn't done, but hair is done. I appreciate the work that went into this, but I feel like- I know- that if I don't use 10 products every day and blow dry my hair twice before and after styling, I'll never be able to recreate it.

Diary, the next time you see a woman on the street with long wavy hair, show her respect by looking at it for a whole second. I can't believe the work women put into their hair. In summer? Of course in summer but, for that single moment she's had to... it's too much work. I'm going to tell you like this, I feel 10 pounds lighter, even though my thin, fine hair that was cut was probably, I don't really know but - I feel like a human being again. Every nurturing thing that I did - caring for a cat (in the past), keeping plants alive (all dead, now I just buy flowers), having long hair- has failed. Why? I don't know. I just know I'll have short hair forever.

I don't know. Even me. Imagine that. If I have >1 meal / day, I'm going to be sick. What kind of... you know? Can't eat before 2, can't eat after 6. Or I'll feel very ill. It's amazing I've kept myself alive for this long at all. Just. Staying alive.

But honestly though, it's still 30C today. I thought the 30+ days were over. And under PLC it's definitely over 35C, and stinky, and there were tens of... no, the entire place was taken over by people selling fake goods, and of course they set up their "shops" where the booth used to be. I have to check one more time to be sure, but... anyway.

Can you honestly believe. Guys selling fake goods right in PLC and around it, the most prominent place in all of Barcelona and all of Catalonia. The police aren't doing anything. They're literally there all of the time. They just put a tarp on the ground and put the bags and sunglasses on it. Does anyone actually buy these things? I don't want to mention their color so as not to be racist, but I do wonder... OK I read an article that says they're all from Senegal. I still don't get it but OK. What I want to say is this is actually offensive and sexist, because it's all bags and sunglasses, like they assume women will fall for that. But then again I stumbled upon a reddit sub dedicated to purveying fake goods when I was looking for opinions on the real stuff. Pffft, on reddit, that one was on me. OK. But I can't fathom who would buy something like that.

Fake goods is part of the false economy.

It just occurred to me, yeah, it's too much. Has it occurred to these women that it's too much? They have to do so much for... with their hair, then they have this added pressure, the sort of pressure that makes them do twisted things such as paying for plastic surgery and fake goods.

My standard is just to not die. That's it. You may laugh.

I never had the heart, the thought, the leisure, the time to do anything on top of that. Doesn't mean I'm not vain, but I would never push myself beyond the bare minimum of staying alive. I mean, I would not embellish myself if it's going to take any effort. I mean, if plastic surgery pushes pain over the threshold which is of a toothache, I won't do it. I mean, I will never let those things burden me. I feel like anything - literally any little thing - is going to burden me.

All other people are not lazy. I really have a whole new perspective after this. It's probably not wise to raise the expectation, but I get them a little bit better now. I still don't understand why they allot their time on these things. Like why they choose to waste their time... like so purposefully like they want to be stupid, but whatever. I don't know. I wouldn't call this sympathy. Life takes effort and on some level it's fair to all of us, I guess.