Thursday, November 30, 2017

I'm afraid of what dumb and ugly people might say

Don't you find it curious that they're also the most entitled and backward people? Backward I can understand, but I cannot understand the entitlement. They're very depraved yet they think they deserve what they don't have.

I must say I find it one of the nicest parts in all of social interaction (barely) to deny contact or any form of association with these people. It's like being a shop owner with expensive merchandise. You see a hobo walks in salivating at the goods and you simply get him out of the store because he clearly can't afford it. It's great.

We do need gate-keepers in the world. Both men and women make good gate-keepers. Women know more about shame, women are really less entitled and more humble. I like that so very much. It's really disgusting how some men plainly assume anyone wants anything to do with them. At least I don't. It's just ridiculous. The most racist, sexist and retarded people are all men, without a question. Does it balance off the fact that the smartest and most accomplished people are also men? I hope more accomplished women emerged, I do. I know women can be pretty assuming, but they're not obnoxious. If you tell a woman you're not interested in her, just give her a sign even, she'll back off immediately. Not men. Men are so thick-skinned, I can't take it. They keep hoping to bend the world to their will, but they'll just keep getting nada if they can't take a hint. Like many  women I find the only compensation I can get for my precious time wasted is giving cold hard rejection. I don't enjoy it, but it's the only compensation. It's just disgusting. Ew.

I don't want anything to do with - I  don't want to be anywhere close to destitute people. Never. Poor, hideous, uneducated, talent-free, rude, entitled (that's just funny) dumb fucks, GO AWAY.

Dumb and ugly... dumb and ugly...

Why are so many people dumb and ugly at the same time?

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Don't make me angry

I'm mad, Diary. I don't know why but I'm mad.

Oh fuck, for fuck sake.

It's a bad way to meet people

Diary, am I supposed to find solace in the quietness? I did some more thinking and I...

I been woken up by delivery two days in a row now... no more. I gotta go to bed.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Catching the red-eye

Reading these news makes my head hurt and my eyes red, in a really tired way.

I know the world isn't a friendly place... anymore. I know there is suffering, but is any of it justified? My values clash with others every day, at every moment. I have to reconcile that. I have to stick with objective truth. No emotion can go into this. Sometimes it feels like I'm on the brink of a fall.

Death is a sweet release, but it's the easy way out. I must suffer, and endure. I must suffer a lot. I must suffer the most.

I feel like drowning a spider right now.

Monday, November 27, 2017

We were put on this earth with horses .

I recognize the smell now. All of them are using Montblanc Legend Intense. OK.

I'm sorry for my harsh words yesterday. I don't always apologize for my words but this time I have to.  Now, I got my papers in, I think, we'll see in about a month. And the toilet still works. I only got the second worst thing. They actually removed the handle so now I have to directly fondle the... thing. I don't know when the replacement is coming, there was a lot of shrugging.

Oh I lost 20 euros last night because I forgot to disable the auto renew on one of the domains. Every birthday I give myself a birthday present that is a domain name. I think it's the most unique present ever. It is absolutely special and limited. Though I didn't get in on it early and it's more of a sentimental value thing now.

Right, and, I think fried chicken is essential to my life. I've tried to fry wings numerous times in my life but never got it as good as fast food restaurant. It's wrecking my head.

I don't like some of the business speak people are using today, but that is not even one of my problems. I'll have instant noodle instead. Toodles.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Sick bed

Is this a sick bed?

Good Lord Diary. I must get up early tomorrow. I have a horrible feeling about both things I intend to complete tomorrow. 1, I think the office will give me trouble. 2, I can't bear to think that the toilet guy will mess up the toilet and I won't be able to use it... just unfathomable. I went to a hostel just to shower when Endesa, this piece of shit company just wouldn't work, but I can't fathom going to a hostel again just to pee. Or shit. What do I do? Please don't mess it up. You're hired to fix it, please don't make it worse.

I wish I can fix everything myself, Diary. But some things you have to depend on others, and it's horrible. Please don't mess it up for me.

Oh God I have such dread for such little things. You cannot know how much dread is in my heart. Corte Ingles also (again) divided my 1 order into 6 shipments, so I'll be receiving packages 6 times... again. I can't live here forever, Diary. If this is Barcelona, one of its best cities. I just can't. I feel so defeated, frustrated every day. I want to live with either extremely competent and reserved people or robots, just robots.

Have you seen some of the "witty things" my "peers" have said? They make me want to cry. I genuinely feel so sad when I read them. How can liking avocado be a personality? How can you profess to be a seasoned traveler when all you can manage is hostel hopping or couchsurfing in the most touristy places or no-name surroundings and rely on instagram filters afterward? Do people really think their chicken claw doodles are art? Do they really think their experience is unique because no one experienced it with them? Do they really think they should have "fans"? I don't get it Diary, it turns my stomach. How will this generation change when they're in their 40s? Let's look at those who were born in the 80s, they're fast approaching a mid-... a late mid-life crisis. What are they doing? What faggoty gadgets have they invented besides those who were inspired by and benefited from the dot com era? Kudos to them. And bitcoins, I suppose some of us got on it too. But what else? These things are pure luck and not human ingenuity. People don't care anymore, do they.

I can't change, Diary. I won't. It's so painful but I won't.

Friday, November 24, 2017


Evidently I did not come back and finish my story, what's worse, I blanked you out the next day. I passed out in the last two days and it's Saturday today I finally made up what is lost. I woke up at 1:30 pm and now it's 2 hours after that.

OK Diary. The dream I had on Thursday was I met someone I liked, an actor, in this aquarium shop that also sold tea. We chatted about our families for a bit and he said he wished I would join his family and become his little sister. I immediately knew in my dream that it was a man's way of rejection, and I was let down. Do keep in mind it's dream logic and has nothing to do with my real life. Just telling you how it is in the dream.

I think it's telling me that people are different than what they portray. No matter how much publicity you receive, it's only magnifying what you want to put out, and not necessarily what you truly want.

Then I got my files on Friday, but I was late. It's just my luck. I was there on 1:54 and they were closing at 2:00. But also if I left home earlier, even if just for 10 minutes, I would've probably gotten it all sorted. Now I'm facing the weekend gap.

As you know yesterday was "Black Friday", it's finally spread to Europe from the great US of A. But it's just depressing over here. I was walking down on Psg Gracia and all I saw were people with H&M bags. H&M depresses the fuck out of me. They only solely manufacture the most generic clothing of just passing quality. I mean it's barely a deal at 20% off. Don't you have better things to get on Black Friday? The people with H&M bags really bummed me out. Like it's a luxury shopping street but they were only out for the cheapest, lousiest stuff.

What I wanted to know was if any subscription was on sale. Yes Diary, ever since I left Portland and cancelled my WSJ subscription, I haven't subscribed to any magazine or paper yet. I have been focusing on topical books, but I feel a little left out. I think one of my biggest pains in life is the fact that I have never read The Economist. I had a chance in college, but I didn't. I mean I chose not to. No doubt I will go through their archive.

I know it's a little late for the debate, but let's settle this. I have already subscribed to The New York Times, but I'm not decided on The New Yorker. I like it a lot, but only if I reside in New York. Which is never.

Alright I distracted myself for a second and now it's 4am the next day. Great. I don't have time for Le Monde diplomatique, simply, so I'm sticking to:

National Graphic, The New York Times, The Economist, New Scientist, The New York Review of Books.

These should be enough to keep me occupied... I mean up to date. I do mean I will subscribe them for life though. However, however short my life is going to be things might change. I can't fathom all the rest of my days are spent in this commercial empire... I mean... I mean the way people do things... I mean when things change drastically, it might impact these papers. No it will, for sure. And there will be better news, and I'll look out for that. But, you know, I'm counting on change. I'm fairly comfortable with what I have to deal with in the next 10 years, which is dreadful, but things will change.

I haven't even showered today thinking how cold it is and how people say you don't have to shower every day in winter because it's totally unnecessary. But no. Look how disgusting it is. And somehow my head is bleeding again. Blood clot. It bleeds randomly since I was a kid. It's one of the million billion reasons I might die any second. I'm so OK with it.

Good night Diary!

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

It continues

Spain continues to aggravate me with its alarming tardiness and inefficiency. I've had orders from Corte Ingles that took over a month to arrive, and as for repairs, it's never done on time and never only took once. For all the great things it has to offer, which I will not discuss, because it is my wont, there are about a thousand minutes I have to suffer because of this.

I desperately want to become more independent of others in every way. I just can't take disappointment like this.

I want you to know it's very hard for me to not translate disappointment to hatred. I have hated every place I've ever lived- loved them, too. It's very easy for hate and love to co-exist. That is just my mental state, Diary. A lot of overwhelming hate, fury, guilt and a bit of love, only in memory. It takes supreme self-control to not burst, and that is why I often wonder how I would react when real shit goes down. Interestingly, I have experienced quite a few severe incidents, and I've handled them calmly with tact. When the Boston marathon bombing happened, for example, and the Ramblas truck incident, I was in close vicinity both times hearing helicopters hovering over my head and people shouting. I was deadly calm both times. Or public speaking- I know it's a big jump but go with it. Or large stake negotiation. I've pursued many risks, Diary, but neither success or losses ever shook me. Nothing shakes me more than the most trivial annoyance in life that I have to put up with. When I hear a big news, nothing in me moves. But if I'm made to wait for, say, anything, for more than two minutes, I go 0-100 real quickly.

What disease is this?

I am afraid of heights, Diary, really legitimately. Yet I have sought out many times experiences such as walking on rope "bridges" suspended in the air between two cliffs, looking down from observatory towers with glass floors, etc. etc. But I have never sought out to be annoyed. Nobody has, sure, but do you get what I'm saying? Do you know the sort of torment I'm in right now? You can easily cripple me with tiniest aggravation.

I've talked to you about welfare earlier. Not that any of it is in my control or that I believe in voting at all, but I used to think I should support welfare so that incompetent people can stay home and not work, so as not to bring aggravation to people like me. But I think what might happen is, they may go to work anyway, just the minim-wage jobs, like what they're doing today, and it only infuriates me further. Not that there aren't incompetent people in high places.

I find it very difficult to deal with. I feel like I'm bleeding internally. I am crippled, very much crippled, at the moment.

What I think is, right, let's find a way out of this. There is no way, no fucking way, that I can ensure I will never encounter people who can't do their job for the rest of my life, so, my solution is, yeah, why not pretend it will never happen? I mean, why not pretend any problem is never going to get solved? My toilet is leaking, why not pretend the plumber is never going to come? My mail is late, why not pretend it got lost and I'll never receive it? I can easily accept these facts. If you think about it - think about it, Diary. These facts, total loss of hope- comes easier to me than having to hold on to the sliver of hope that other people will do their job. I should always assume that they won't. When I go to a restaurant, I should assume I will be overcharged and the food will be bland or overcooked. When I do anything, I should not only expect to fail but also be scammed and fucked over spectacularly. When I buy anything, I should think it will get half-offed the next day. I should expect all the bad things to happen to me. I can very easily accept that, Diary. It's like breathing. That is no problem.

So let's do that, because I can find no other way out of this. Let's assume I'm doomed from birth, which is what I thought as a kid. In fact now I think it's where I got my patience.

Yes, yes Diary, let's do that.

I always knew in my heart that I like to assume the worst. I feel better already -  I feel like I can breathe.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

My nerves

If you are wondering what happened yesterday, well a lot of aggravation is what it was. Today is more of the same. My document is still held up in Madrid, it seems. My toilet has been leaking since Thursday last week, and I know it's a bit mad but I've done the calculation a bit. Say it leaks 50ml per second, it's going to rack up to... but it's probably 25ml. Or less. I don't know. I just know money is pouring itself down the drain constantly. All I ever wished for is for everything to function as normal. Why is that too much to ask?

I think we will all be better off if I just admit I'm miserable all the time. When in Poland, I met a girl who was just here and she said I was living in Paradise. Maybe I am. I never had to share my living space with others since college, that alone is pretty enviable in my opinion. I also know perfectly what I want to do and I'm doing it. I can never focus on my "haves", Diary. Why? Because I am a total pessimist.

By now I have no doubt that I am. I had quite a few changes of scenery, culture and so on, and I just know. I have less and less unanswered questions about myself, which is good, because I don't... I don't think I'm all that.

What I noticed, particularly in this time and age, as supposed to what I read in books about the past, is, my dear Diary, that people think the utmost prize in the world is "getting to know their true self", both for themselves and others. Whenever people don't get what they want, they avoid taking any responsibility by saying that it's because others don't know them. And the most important thing in life seems to be finding your true self. It's completely selfish.

I have never seen it as a grand or worthy goal, Diary. I have always been feeling a little... "earthy".  I feel connected to those I don't agree with or even like. I don't have that many questions about myself to begin with, but it's fine to get them answered, I guess.

Diary, I can't take on any more aggravation. At this point, anything can become the last straw that breaks the camel's back. I truly have enough. I ask for so little, just that things aren't being broken constantly in the background.

After this, I will have to wait. Patience is another strong suit I have lost. I was so patient as a kid, so patient. I am not anymore. Something always burns in my heart, in my mind. I am constantly in deep worry. The more I figure out, the more uncertainty I have to entertain.

I don't have what it takes to be a leader, Diary. Can I perform under pressure? The real question is, can I lead people to change? Yet fate is destined, Diary. What I dwell on is not important, I know...

I try so hard to be right, Diary. I want to be right. Sometimes you can make sure you're right, and protect the right judgment. Sometimes it's all a bet. I'm not sure if we're all betting our lives on something.

I need a clean, open space in my head, Diary.  The questions are like cloud that always hovers above me in the sky, so my mood is always overcast. I want to make sure I at least know what will happen in the next three to five years.

Sunday, November 19, 2017


I'm sorry, the interface was getting to me.       

So, a new chapter, a non-chapter, Diary.

never complain

Smell the fresh linens - you can’t have bad dreams in this bed now, can you?

I’ve learned not to complain, Diary. There are many things that need fixing in my life, but even if I don’t know what the root causes are, I know complaining won’t do any good.

I mean, who is complaint for, anyway ?   I know it’s not for me, because it’s just the same thing. Other people don’t process complaints. Requests, pleads, demands even, people respond to those. But complaints? No one is obliged to deal with complaints. So who?


I shudder at the thought of it. Complaint ?   For God ?   No no . . .

Wisdom teeth , mosquitoes, complaints, there are many ubiquitous things that once were, now are and will be totally unnecessary, irrelevant and eradicated. I honestly don’t need complaints in my life, let alone producing it.

I’m aware I don’t complain much to you to begin with, I just want you to know this idea I have.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

I got a couple of things wrong

As I was washing pork off me - the smell of pork - as per usual I reflected upon my mishaps - rather than mistakes. I did get a couple of things wrong, too, though.

Me being stupid - that's just me being me.

But anyways. I cannot believe some of the things in the past. Let's now dwell on it except shower time and the last 10 regretful minutes when I'm in bed right before I fall asleep. No good can come out of it.

no porn months

I solemnly announce that the rest of November, following December and January 2018 are no porn months.


I know I’m keeping the light on tonight, Diary. More than one thing... in fact most things don’t feel right, or fine, now. I have some ideas but can’t say just yet. I hope it’s not God abandoning me. It’ll be over for me and I would instantly lose everything.

I got my little program today. I had to pause a bit at Yoruba but I finally have multi-channel output, and I honestly am so, So tired I have to talk about it tomorrow

Friday, November 17, 2017

Norwegian is actually pretty interesting .

I woke up crying today, for the first time, in here. I had a bad dream.

Cannibalism. One of my biggest fears. I dreamt about this group of nice, tame-looking women, just ordinary housewives with kids, living next to me. One day I found them in a mobile chatroom, like a convo in an app, anyway they were casually discussing eating people. Someone sent a picture to the group and these moms and wives were all saying "oh I can't wait to skin him" "my son loves this" etc. & they were talking about how to cook body parts and how to make people into furniture and leather goods.

I don't know HOW THE FUCK I came up with this in my dream. In fact first I have to question my fear of cannibalism. Even in my sleep I questioned myself - if I have picked up on something. Did I use to to know a well-hidden cannibal and I picked up on something? There were no signs.

Really, diary. I don't know any cannibal in my life, I don't live close to a site where such horror occurred, it doesn't appear in the news often... I just, I just don't know where to start. Oh God, this is how I become a vegan isn't it. But why? Where did I get the deep trembling fear of cannibalism? It truly is one of my greatest fears, Diary. I wonder if it's a warning. Do dreams like this just pop up out of the blue? Holy Hell. Do I look tasty to a cannibal, Diary? Holy hell. A cannibal is about to eat me?

Is someone going to drag me off the street in broad day light, put me in a van, take home and cook me? Why am I having this dream? It's so upsetting that I woke up crying. Think about it!

Again even in my sleep, I was third-personing. As open-minded as I want to be, it occurred to me that such stereotype is what's deterred me from going to Germany or learning German - German Cannibals! I just realized that deep in my mind, I think German is the language of the cannibals. Like, h'why, h'why is it not the language of the great musicians, the great philosophers, but cannibals? Because I have such fear of cannibals that it surpasses all others impressions!

Oh my God Diary. That dream was hell. Eating people- talking about eating people- I just can't take it. My heart faints. I just can't, Diary. I just can't!

Nothing should've triggered me to dream this.I honestly must be careful from now. It could legitimately be a warning.

Oh I took another look into Norwegian today. It made me change my mind. I still don't care for the crude Norse myths, but, this language is indeed fairly interesting.

That dream is haunting, man

wet hair talks

Hola Diary, hello.

Things are so fucked, Diary. Things are always fucked. Even when things aren't obviously fucked, you just know they will be fucked.

The anticipation is really just as worse as the suffering itself which is why I'm always, always in torment. Nothing will change that for the entirety of my life, no never.

It's sad that this is my personality. I mean, I've accepted it, but if you look at it objectively, it must be sad.

Sick, man.

But it still matters if I get what I want or not, and it does not matter if I feel happy or not, because it's bigger than me.

I start cussing at myself again now. I have to stop. It helps to feel a minuscule amount of joy, and I don't know what could give that to me.

You silly person.  Go to bed, silly

Thursday, November 16, 2017

2017 Q & 2015 A

How come I'm so slow


Diary, one thing that they said was that as you grow older you learn to keep your opinions to yourself,  out of wisdom or whatever. When your opinion contradicts the popular one, you don’t want to say it and have to deal with backlashes. I feel like this is how truth gets buried sometimes, or a better reality - when more people are holding the same opinion but remain silent.

So silence is not a plain sign of maturity to me.  On the other hand, it may not be economically worthwhile to state something that has no reward when you have better things to do in life. The trick is how it compares with other diversions. Nobody can do one thing forever, also I suppose the size of the side project should be 30% of your time . Arbitrary number, sure, but I was hoping to say that no matter how many side projects you take on, the sum should not be more than 30% of your time.

Too tired. Think bout it.   Good night.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Going crazy

Diary I'm so tired (for no reason) I'm going crazy. I can't be this tired. I switched to decaf for two days & I wasn't even drinking coffee until recently! It's not coffee... I . . .

Could you not

f a s t s w I t c h

I’ve read up more on the trending news, Diary. The shooting, the union, Russian cannibalism, high profile gay people’s sexual harassment at workplace, etc...

I also read more personal notes, you know, some genuine and personal reflection on life. I also paid attention -  got to know new young people’s personalities and see how social norms have shifted from my days. I’d say I’m keen but you know I’m not. I’m far from being at the forefront of these things, but for the time being I don’t need to be.

It’s been edifying.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Eating With People

I hate eating with people. Somehow food is always less tasty when I'm eating with people. It made me feel unwell.

Someone said that the whole point of evolution is the city, basically, the congregation of people, that we can squeeze so many people in such a small piece of land and live. It's supposed to make you feel like you are fucking intensely "connecting" - whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean- with people - all the time. I don't know where people got all these notions. They look down on you if your great pleasure in life is to find peace in nature.

Really? Moving on from being barbaric is to move away from nature, too? It doesn't make sense. It don't make no sense at all, that's flawed logic.

You can't escape nature, you know. I don't mean you can't escape "nature", I mean you can't escape your own nature, anyway.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Sunday, November 12, 2017


Why are you eating spinach and carrot on the same day. Big miscalculation.


The specifics need a specific place,  the generic can be seen all the time.  This is why I’m curious

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Coffee is strong.

I can’t sleep.

I’m aware that uncaring statement has the whole nazi “ there’s no one left to speak for me” kind of vibe or feel, but I genuinely feel like that is propaganda, or outdated.  I honestly don’t think it’s beneficial for civilians to form strong opinions on matters that they know very little about or matter to them only a little.

It’s different times.

I’m telling you this coffee is so strong. I had sleeping tea before & I wondered if they cancel each other out but clearly not. This coffee is too fucking strong. I don’t drink coffee, only started yesterday, my body isn’t used to it -  AT ALL.

Louis CK TOO ? !

tbh I don't know Harvey Weinstein's works cept Shakespeare in Love, they made us watch it in school and I was fucking bored and grossed out by the artlessness of it.

I'm like that, Diary, I haven't sampled too many films yet I have strong opinions and tastes about it.

But Louis CK though. At first I saw him as a discount George Carlin but Georgie has been dead for too long, almost 10 years - hot damn, 10 years is too long, and I've come to appreciate Louis CK's materials more just because it's up to date.

But today I learned that he's got some sexual misconduct scandals going on as well. Like I heard in some old podcast of his or his friend's that he's getting blown by other women while being married, and I'm like "woah nobody bats an eyelash @ dis?" and indeed nobody bats an eyelash at this in the comment section, like again it's YT but I can imagine people don't care.

But it's different from the scale which this thing is being presented right now.

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I never get how people fall for celebrities. When I see a great actor in a great movie, all I'm left with is a great impression of the character. I never once even think about the actor, I sure as fuck won't look for their information irl, in fact that would compromise the character for me. Therefore I don't care about who dates who, I don't want to line up and meet them, I certainly don't want to have sex with them.

Now a little clarification here because I clearly went to Poland to meet the composer of one of my favorite games. When there is talent and meaningfulness, there is intellectual attraction. What I don't understand and will never do is the sex thing.

"but ur an asexual person"

that too  oh how the hell did I forget. So of course I can't comprehend them.

Anyway looks like the shitstorm is getting bigger. But is the whole celebrity culture going out of fashion? I don't think so. Teenagers are still going to be obsessed with YT personalities, and what look like identical twins to me the Logan/Jake Paul brothers will keep taking advantage of them girls.

Like I don't feel sorry for anyone as heartless as it sounds, if they signed up for this. If someone got raped, ofc I feel sorry for them. But if they fell under this starstruck spell, there is nothing you can do. So I don't know where this is going. I just want to tell you it's weird.

But I do understand how they feel bad afterward, like they regret it, they must find it gross, but they can't tell anyone because everyone in the community is a fan. I totally get it. It's risk. If you get AIDS from a celebrity you probably can't even tell other fans and they won't believe you. But you want to have sex with the celebrity. I... yeah whatever.

It's tough, the moral thing. Because the women- let's say the women, the women who blown him aren't angels or anything, and we aren't ever going to find out what sins they have in life or whatever vices they have. Maybe they lie and cheat in school and made their own lives worthless and miserable and think only a blowjob with a celebrity can solve their problems. Probably not. But they aren't angels. They aren't flawless people. They might not be responsible for the wrongs they did to others. We are never going to find out about these things because it's not relevant to media.

So I've grown to be more careful about judging people these years. The best way is to not judge no matter what until the minute it has any impact on you. Like if Gandhi was alive and Gandhi beat me with a stick because he thought I was someone else, even though he did all the other selfless things, Gandhi would still be a bad person to me. But someone who has nothing to do with me, no matter what they do, I may not hold any form of strong emotion for or against them.

Am I right diary, am I right?


So I'm glad women are getting more power nowadays. It's great no matter how you look at it. I can feel less and less inferior for being a woman, honestly. If you have the slightest dread of being assaulted, kidnapped or going to the police, that's the inferiority complex. That's regardless of if anything happens to you. I don't know if I can see this as a "sacrifice", what these women did, because it's clear to me that women's rights aren't improving because some chose to blow other men. Women's rights are improving because women like myself taking literally more power in society. In the light of these events, I think not of the poor women who chose to give themselves to men who didn't treat them as equals, no - I think of women around the world who saw better things to do in life, worked their asses off to obtain more status and power and knowledge. I may never see them, God knows which office they work at, but we're all doing it. We all share the same goal- among others that are personal to ourselves, and it's a great feeling.

I wanted to articulate to you how I derived a good feeling from all this, and this is it. The thought of self-loving, driven, capable women enabling mindless fangirls to gain some modicum of justice and dignity from their misdeeds is a nice one.

Friday, November 10, 2017



Why I'm pro welfare

So that incompetent people don't have to join the workforce to aggravate people who have to deal with their incompetence.

Great tweets from Trumpster

preying on innocent people

that's all

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Last blood

Has the last blood been cleared because I dreamt of puppies/ kittens puking in bathroom last night and I had to clean it all up. Basically I saw these miserable feral cats and I wanted to be kind and feed them, but they ended up being crazy and puked all over the place.

The night before. Monster Tanks. I was in this aquarium and this big dark gray shark saw me passing by and became agitated/ angry and started hitting the glass, and it totally created a fracture. I kept walking and in this hall with a lot of stairs I heard a big splash and I saw people running, so I turned around and I saw the glass of some huge aquarium tanks are totally broken and dark water as if we’re in the bottom of the ocean poured out, and huge whale–like creatures were flowing out. Remember, these whales are already 20 times as big as the shark back there.  I ran but when I turned around, a mouth as large as a dome and as black as the universe was upon me and it was attached to this hundred feet long ocean creature - a monster -  that apparently can stand and fly -  out of water.

I know what triggered the first dream. I was looking for pets to adopt on a shelter’s site when I wasn’t supposed to, and I was traumatized by how miserable the animals looked.

I don’t know what triggered the  Monster  Tanks  dream.

Separatists on the Streets

There has been a brand new graffiti on the walls right across the street. Blood red graffiti. One has to ask why would anyone deface a hundreds-year-old building, but then again, why would people go to war...

This hatred will not be as palpable in print. I felt it. I still don't understand where the sentiment stemmed, I mean I know it on paper, but I don't feel it. I know it's here, for sure, today, but...

They're against so many nonsensical things. Earlier this year they were against tourists, now they're against their country. I still, for the life of me, can't see any of European countries as "big country", no matter what kind of damage they can do... or did. Physically speaking, they're kind of small compared to what I'm used to. That might change, I don't know. But it affects my perspective.

Alas I have other things to worry. Christmas is right around the corner, or so it feels, as stores are all preparing themselves for Christmas sales. It only saddens me. Without the holiday spirit, I'm the same as anyone, just busy with my own life. But when holiday comes around, I'm reminded of the lifestyle I chose, and how I have no one.

I hope I didn't make it sound sadder than it actually is. It is just reality. I hope this is a brief reminder. I don't regret it, diary, I don't. If anything, maybe I just want company for the holidays and no other time. It simply doesn't work that way. Is it worth it to keep people around all the other times just so you can enjoy a traditional holiday for that 1%, or should I say 1/365 or 2/365 of the time? Obviously it doesn't.

I'm aware this novelty feeling is called loneliness. I want to hug something. Hug something very warmly, very tightly, let go, and then get on with my life. The ticking of time is still terrifying. The polars of my days, darker and brighter, are getting more severe every day. But I've also grown more placid.

How can I not? Answers only gives you acceptance.

Lawyers, am I right? Looking into some cases.

It's a wonder how I've worked with some lawyers and heard many more stories but only lost a small fortune that hopefully will seem like nothing - it won't...

anyways, self-reliance. I'm not here to preach, everything is on case-by-case basis, I suppose.   I just... you know.

In what direction are we heading in, Diary? What is the future? What lies in the future? What IS IN the Future?

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I'v bn thinkin bout kumquat all day

It's broken   


Everything after school is unclear which is probably why I keep having dreams set in school, I guess. Like there is a social order, but it's unclear. You're not confined in an environment. You're in the big wide world with all the people in all the continents. When in school it literally feels like it's those who you interact with that mattered. Like you're aware of what's out there but you're so preoccupied with whatever that's happening in school.

Now there's all sorts of things it's too much. I don't mean I can't handle I mean it's good it's wonderful there are so many things but it's Unclear, you know?

I'll never know who matters. Who's there. Not many people are close to me. I wonder... I wonder if it's the biggest misconception. I wonder if no one has a lot of people close to them, or am I wrong, and it is what they say.

I don't know what it feels like to have many people close to you.

I suppose it's OK to not have a circle to define you. lol yeah ofc, h'when you're not even...

Haha. Looks like I have to get used to it. It's not easy, but I must. They say you're the average of you and your five best friends or something, right, so if it's just you and God, you're half a God... ?

I'm just joking!!!!!!!!!!

This whole post is stupid .

u gay grill

Did we have a gay time?

Yes we did.

ur a very gay grill

slippery floors & natural sounds

I believe it was the music that was draning me last night. Maybe I shouldn't listen to music for more than 2 hours /  day.  What do you think?

Dear God

Dear God.  Diary, I don’t feel so well.

Do you think people consume over 100 varieties of food per month?  It looks easy to achieve, but who, in their lifetime, tasted more than 1000 varieties of food? Ah, wait, that’s also achievable.

"Police Procedure Novel" . . .

I want to cry.

There are books that don't need reading.

This brings me to despair.



It's far too sad for me to handle.

Stop it

What are you listening to you gay fuck stop it

Monday, November 6, 2017


yeah OK I care. Ok. Let me show you how stingy I am. I care if one cent went missing and one word gets misinterpreted. I am living an extremely sanitized, over-the-top, overly controlled life, exactly how I wanted it. 100% of it ought to go as planned and can't take any aggravation.

This Diary is my outlet to let out any bad mood any aggravation might bring.

I care, Diary. I not only care about big things I care about little things, too. There. Let me show you how messy I am so you see the opposite of the clean side.

I never took any form of aggravation well in any amount no matter how small the dosage. I'll admit it's a major Weakness.

the thief

Granted I only post on Facebook about once or twice a year and the post that got stolen was from July but the person unfriended me this morning after I said "there is a 'share' button man' last night.

Like I said, I don't care about this particular thing, it doesn't even make sense really. But it made me rethink about privacy. With privacy you are creating privilege groups, and I bet, I bet anything that you get stolen more often when you have these groups than if you put everything out in the open.

Really, what's the point of having privilege groups with people who only have passing experience with you? You're putting yourself out there for people to exploit. If you're putting yourself out there, do it out in the open, total openness.

Then the competition is exposure. All the dirty tricks to get famous. Not everyone is fond of this. In fact most people will settle for little friend groups for life. In fact that's what it should be irl but online, there is just no point in using private social media online. For how fast information spreads on the internet, you should be in control of it. Spread the information yourself and don't put out there anything you don't want spreading as far as possible.

This Diary though, it brings me a particular kind of pleasure. I never said you should only spread good things. Just things you want to spread. Just don't, don't, DON'T count on privacy of any kind on the internet. You can't protect information once you choose to put it online.

Every day I take back most of the things I said yesterday, but I don't think this is ever going to change. Though I rarely used social media, they really don't, never benefited me. The only reason I have an account on FB is to manage pages, really, and I always, always always always doubt the quality - I mean cost-effectiveness of the ads. I ran a campaign in 2013 that was OK and made me think it's worth it, but now, I don't know. It's a wonder how Facebook got so big. It's such a tacky, low tech way to "connect".

I think you should either Skype, vid-chat so you could see people's face and hear their voice, or you should have your own website with embedded msg system. But Facebook, that hideous, disgusting-looking Facebook with a billion terms of service with so many rules and takes whatever you post and has so many other problems, how did it get so popular? I can never take it seriously.

H'when people steal your quote

if I keep track of every little thing I must be going nuts.

In a tired way I'm glad people are taking my stuff all my life. Glad it may be of use. If I can't profit from it, neither money or fame, I don't care, it's free.

What's the harm. There is no harm. I long knew some of the big name musicians/artists/politicians whatevers must steal from little no name people all the time. It's happened to me so many times, they took it to press.

I guess it's better than if it's just for my own amusement. Things take life of their own. If someone can maximize it more than me then why not.

Not everything I say or done or every one of my creationz needs credit. I'm just so tired.

Have you seen YTs copyright claim system. It's a mess. It's a total mess. I'm all for Creative Commons & the likes. Public Domains and IP freedom.

I feel like our priority is not guarding our IP in this age but creating more. We're all pretty culturally bankrupt which is h'why hordes of tourists are still feasting their eyes upon decayed buildings from centuries ago.

I say we must break this stagnation.

I know this is getting grander than just a quote but you know how I digress all the time.

I've been thinking a lot lately. So long museums can circulate old paintings they have less need to put in new ones. Anyway I'm doubting the lifestyle in a city. But . . .  it's a dilemma.

Diary... what's new? Should I subscribe to other mags?

I have to find a particular issue first. I'm so uncertain about a lot of thing. And the clock is ticking. The clock is fucking ticking and I feel like I'm walking into my grave. There is deep dread within me. Holy Hell.  Diary I'm truly in a quagmire .   I'm in a quandary .

Sunday, November 5, 2017

"La dolce vita"


Cookery Lately

it's fine

Remove Unreal

crazy animal lovers

On YT there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO   MANNNNNNNNNNYY subculture communities like OMG. One of the creepiest is probably the syndicate group who remember their dead horse, like their channel is full of videos they shot when their horses were alive, like shots with them riding the horse, but all of the videos were made after the horse is dead. Like pieces of prolonged eulogy. I came across them by accident and it spooked me.

Then today I saw a cat video on Trending, it's 1 minute and I made the mistake to click. On the suggestion bar I saw a video titled feeding my pets (50) in one video or something like that, I was curious so I clicked it, and Holy Fuck the bar this time is filled with recs from all different channels featuring videos all titled similarly : "Feeding all my pets in one video" - 100 pets etc! Holy fuck. So pet-feeding videos are a thing now. I never knew they existed. Like there are young people who take care of 100 pets at home, I wonder what else they do. You must think it's pretty tame but it's very shocking to me. Taking care of 100 animals at home, as a part of your life. It's fucking crazy.

I don't know why the more I see something the less I want it. For every one cat video I watch I want cat that much less. I do not want any pet just from looking at those video titles. Holy fuck. OKay-dokes.

& I don't know why these videos are deeply disturbing to me. Actually most videos I happen to just "come across" on YT are disturbing for me.


Saturday, November 4, 2017

scary futurology

Are people tired of a scary picture of the future?

I believe so .             

Le Charlot is embarrassing .

Did they actually leave root on it

2 layerz pad

So tired, good night

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Nature & a lack of happening

I've been rethinking a lot of things, Diary. And my stance on a couple of things.

Are cities irreversibly getting hot? Because it only makes sense now that the means of traveling are becoming increasingly accessible and affordable, and it's always human's desire to connect. I don't remember the last time I'm completely immersed in nature, it's been too long... the stay at my friend's house was like a dream. It rained, and the smell of the garden...

I think my nerves are permanently damaged from being around people my whole life. Any of my neuroticism will be instantly "cured" as soon as I moved into a house with a garden. But that's not people... that's not right, as in... correct. 

I can only imagine what it feels like to live by myself on a whole acre of land... maybe it's not so good. Maybe it's a luxury I never had to think about "h'what if I start to miss people".

Oh. I don't drive. That kind of does it, doesn't it? I'll be living in cities for the rest of my life. How're those self-driving cars coming along?

Shows typically make one stop per city, meaning all 8 millions of people in London share as much chance as 3 mil in Madrid, 2 mil in Paris and 1.6 mil in Barcelona to attend one concert. That's nuts, yo.

Yeah, you're right Diary. Maybe I will go crazy and become lonely in nature for a long time. I always long for tranquility, but it's easy to see the upsides when you're basking in the hospitality of your friend. I tried... I tried to imagine, what if I were to live there. Working around the lawn etc...

Ah, the price of fresh air.

Let's not think about it anymore. Maybe I'll adopt the popular lifestyle of working the weekdays and going into the woods on the weekends. Yeah actually that doesn't sound too bad. See what's retarded is I always can't see what's right in front of me, what's been working for such a long time. I had to find everything out my own way, but it's not a smart way... all of the time.

Sorry for many many things. I've had a long day... it's not long enough.

steel mesh is still mesh

Let's not debate this . 


You want to know what did I waste my hours on today?

Well just wait until I finish doing the dishes.

So I suddenly feel like having coffee and for the first time I looked into coffee makers. There are too many varieties, it's overwhelming. I ended up wanting to do the "French Press", the whole thing about it is you press the ground down with a flat layer of filter. That's it. But I bet many people call this a "ritual" because it's "French." Like of all the things I read and saw about it, nobody mentions the quality of the filter which is the number one thing.

I ended up looking into the brand Bodum, and I discovered that it's a total sham. Not surprising it's a Danish brand. Their products are extremely poor quality, the number of reviews and complaints that mention glass cracking was startling. It's so easy to see from people's photos that they're using flimsy materials. What's funny is this company sells its signature double wall glasses: Pavina etc. but its coffee makers and tea makers are not double walled. Their thermos are fucking hard to clean and their designs are all flawed.

They have a shitty website too btw. Category pages don't work (therefore top navigation is broken), cart empties and you can't add product to cart after like 10 minutes for whatever asinine reason. It's really fucking dumb.

I really don't want to deal with glass cracking. I'm guessing some of the people had their glass cracked because they switched hot/cold water without a cooldown period. No problem with good quality glass, but for the flimsy shit Bodum is using, it's not a surprise that it would crack easily. I'm not going to make that mistake, but I just don't want to deal with cracks in general, and difficult cleaning.

And by now I have wasted too much time on this sham of a brand and I don't have energy to look further. When it comes to beverage machine, blenders etc, things that handle acidic liquid, glass and plastic are both hard to clean. For metal, I'm guessing my best bet is one of those expensive automatic drippers? I don't have the counter space for now and honestly, I'm not going from a person who don't drink no coffee to one of those fanatics.

So what I ended up doing, I got two exact same Finum filters, one for tea and one for coffee. And I got a handheld coffee bean grinder. That's it. 29 euros, that's all I need.

There is a thing about filter, too. Most of the filters out there are metal, including big brands like WMF, but metal infusors are really bad, because as infusor not only is it hard to clean, there is mad oxidization and it can never infuse as well as mesh - this is just common sense. H'what's interesting is, there is only one brand that sells plastic+mesh filters, and that is Finum. They seem legit. Yeah, one brand besides Bodum - like I'm going to give them money, lol.

Anyway. I feel like this search isn't completely worthless so that's why it's not a total waste of time. But the lesson isn't that a Danish company Bodum is a scammy asshole, but the overwhelming gullible unthinking people who fall for things such as "French Press" without realizing what it is, and go for inferior products simply because of marketing. How do they have the gall to price their shitty glasses the same as Riedel? Nobody knows.

And also it's getting harder and harder to find quality products on Amazon. In the good old days you can safely rely on the reviews, but now it's hard because people rally behind shitty products. I see that Amazon offers only a fraction of products & at higher cost in Europe compared to the US - h'which is understandable but undesirable. The Spanish market in particular is seriously deficient. I think h'when in Spain it's OK to rely on Corte Ingles, but y'know...

Oh I also wanted to tell you that women don't necessarily cook better than men, on average. You might be surprised, but women are a lot messier, more indelicate in the kitchen and beyond. I watched this pasta cooking video today and it fucking grossed me out. Just do bare minimum and expect a free pass because you are a woman. Stirring is mad skills. It's fucking pathetic, Diary.

I am bad at cooking, but at least I know it. And also I don't suck at cooking for a lack of effort. I don't do bare minimum (since this year) and I certainly won't fool around in the future. Diary, remember, just because more women are homemakers doesn't mean they're good at what they do. I have a deep dark inferiority complex because of this. I don't have energy for this but I swear I will at least master 10 dishes that I think most men or women can't rival me at, just so I don't feel this shame and rage.

Fuck, here it is just in case you want to gross yourself out some time in the future.

Look how she stirs the pot of nasty, Oh My God.

We all have work to do, Diary. Let me try and go to the post office by 8:00 tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017