Saturday, September 30, 2017

nap time

I'm reminded of what people don't want to be reminded of.

Also I wonder if I'll dream I'm in school for the rest of my life... even though there is a Palace there...

some people came after me with long scissors.  I genuinely feel like that's the sort of hate I would get. Like if someone hates me, it's got to be because of that reason.

What did it remind me of? Yeah, I might as well say it. You may never remind others of what you have that they don't have. Never. In the dream, I and my best friend moved into a Palace, and before we went, we went to our dorm to get our stuff. And the girls there were mad jealous. It wasn't our doing, someone moved us to the Palace, so I was like "huh? what's happening?" and the girls thought I was rubbing it in their faces. So they came after us with long scissors.

It only makes me like people even less.

Friday, September 29, 2017

I take it back

I'm going to wear t shirts exclusively.

The street is not a runway. Not in any city in any country around the globe. It's the age of casual absurdism. High end clothing has no place. There is no fucking point, 0, to wear nice clothes at all. At all. AT ALL.

It's always best to let people underestimate you, no?

How much light should you use filming food?

Not too much.  Light looks "industrial". 

Holy Cannoli

They call it cannolo.

Went to Marco today, I don't know why there are so many Italian shops around there.

Holy cannoli it's really good. 3.5 is a bit much, unless, wait a minute. Yeah it's a bit much...

I feel like a lil tart .

I got the Advent Calendar today as I'm giving Rituals a try. It's a great samples collection, but I had to ask myself, what do you need all these plastic bottles for? I feel very guilty about this, the same way I almost never buy bottled water or soft drinks, and especially since I looked at dolphins in BBC documentary. Plastics are just annoying in general (ew SHUT UP)

I'm sorry.

God  I'm going to bed Diary.  One day I will stop being abusive to myself in my head.

Also I meant to comment on the smells. There are so many fragrances flowing in the air right now. There are like four different smells. Bathroom smells like orange, sorry, mandarin, tangerine? Here is the linfa, upstairs the Ritual of Ayurveda spray, and a different variant in the sachet.

A few months ago there was no smell at all. But all these smells don't affect me as much I thought.

God, bless October 1 will be a peaceful day, and Catalans and the rest of Spaniards will soon find a way to be good countrymen.


I don't know jack shit about the best stack w/o seeing the api first.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


My hair is thinning, Diary... thinning like crazy. There is only this much left, barely a handful.

I have a pretty whole recollection of last night's dream.

It's summer, I'm at the beach in a pink bikini set and lying on the sand. I wanted to have the area all to myself (it was so nice and sunny) and the only way to do it was to plant a palm tree at the exat spot where I was. So I moved a whole palm tree, literally made it float in the air- and let it fall in the middle of the beach.

Then I'm at a small, bright library I frequent. I read this black-covered book that turned out to be a children's book, and it's about a little boy with a very old black suitcase, and the suitcase is filled with old books, very old books with yellowing pages, some of which are falling out.

I then go to this cashiers looking stand to return the book, and the boy- I was 16 and he was 16 or 17 or so- smiled at me and slipped me two notes on ripped paper. Very small pieces of paper, it's like we were making a secret handshake deal or something. And when he smiled at me, I got this rare feeling of likeness, and the smile told me he was a boy that loved books. I looked at the note and the bottom one said "I want to go out with you" or something of that nature, and the smaller note on top of it was an addendum "October 10, 8pm". It struck me as being very cute.

And then I was invited to my best friend's wedding. I looked up to her, the girl with auburn hair, and she was also one of the smartest, most social person I ever met. We also have another friend, a blondie. Anyway, I was supposed to make a speech at the wedding and I was vexing myself about how to make it great. And when it's time, I found my seat (we were all sitting on white benches) and waited for the lineup to go. And the first one to go was my favorite game (the one I told you about on Tuesday) developer. Well, the story-writer of that game. And he all talked about was how no one is real, that one cannot be real if one only stays in spiritual form, like in someone's head. Like you only exist (for real) when someone encounters you in your physical form. Then he just dropped the mic and left.

And then we were at our high school. I shyly told my friends about the library boy and my best friend, the auburn girl immediately told me he's a killer and he's bad news. And she explained to me, in the exact words, "Why would someone ask someone out if they don't even know you previously? Why would they do that all of a sudden?" and it made perfect sense to me. Indeed, someone CAN'T like me for me if they just saw me once. And the idea of the boy turned murderous. I suddenly knew he's killed people before and he's addictied to that lifestyle.

And the 4th member of our gang showed up, followed by the library boy. I remember there were two very small indoor "pools" right at the entrance, like you see them right after you push the doors open. They're tiny, they're the size of bathtubs but perfectly angular, the shape is... weird. It felt like caskets to me. But they had pool's blue tiles and they were empty, and they had these white electrical outlets you normally see in walls.

And we all started fighting for some reason and our 4th friend, the boy in jeans was the first casualty. He fell into the empty pool and his back touched the white outlets and he immediately started twisting and his face was shrinking and getting burned from the back. The library boy fell after him and was shocked to death, too. Then our blondie friend fell in the other pool and died in a similar fashion. All I was thinking was why the hell were there outlets in those mini swimiming pools.

It ended with those three bodies in two small empty pools. I don't know what happened to my best friend and I.

It's absurd how vividly I remember this dream. It's all very out of character and nonsensical but I just can't forget it. The feelings I felt in the dream are not going away. I was liking someone like I was a normal, ordinary girl, and that warm smile of someone who was just like me... it relaxed me so much. And why did my favorite game's developer show up at my best friend's wedding to make a speech like that? And why are there two pools in...

I feel like... I want to believe everything has a reason. The fact that I can't explain it doesn't imply it's God's work, especially when it's something so intimate and close to life.

What does it all mean?

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Clothes are a replacement of makeup

I'm listening to Cowboy Bebop tracks man. It is fucking superb. I never watched the anime because I thought it might be a story about actual cowboys. The whole cowboy/western thing I just cannot dig. I honestly really dislike the whole theme. But let me Google the plot later, what if it's not actual cowboy stories you know.

It's the whole thing related to being cowboys. I fucking hate those boots and the way they talk and the whole duel at dawn and sandstorm and tumbleweed blowing thing. Santa Fe, Albuquerque & Flagstaff remain endearing cities in my heart, but I didn't see none of the fooleries while I was there.


It just occurred to me h'why it all seems so hard on the eyes when you wear heavy makeup with elaborate prints. I mean we all know it but! I just realized that clothes are a REPLACEMENT of makeup


yeah that's right. You can do it intuitively, but isn't it better to know why? If you're wearing baggy clothes, heavy linen, big thread weaved shirts & stuff, you can get creative with the makeup.

But! If your clothes are already gorgeous, better keep that face clean.

I was actually pondering why I hate t shirts so much today and that brought it up. Now it makes perfect logical sense.

My dislike for t shirt (and plain clothes in general) is bc I don't like makeup.

If ur goin to wear shitty simple clothes you better wear a lot of makeup.

But you just have to clean yourself up if your clothes can speak for yourself.

Yeah I know, some people are exceptions in that they can look good in plain clothes & no makeup, that's the facial features. No, deep down I always know I need the complement of clothing.

It feels so good to finally have closure on this thing.

I wonder if those attractive people mostly choose to maintain an effortless lifestyle. It doesn't seem so. From what I see they seem to go extra miles to create the perfect image. But SAD THING IS!!!!! They are often dictated by people with lesser tastes. If they can be original with their own style, that's the best thing.

Anyways. At some point in your life you feel like caving to peer pressure, and I'm glad I came through unbent. I went through the t-dominated teenage years without wearing 'em (pretty much) and kept a unique, favorable image in "public eye". It is honestly such a relief.

It's one of those strange reliefs others can't quite understand. You may be standing there one day remembering something and it gives you such calm and peace. Could be this street food you tried this one time, could be a small accomplishment in a game you invented yourself in a yard, could be the fact that you never wore much t shirt your whole life. Anyway, that's me. From now, any time I'm stressed, I'll think about the fact that I went through my life wearing that sort of garment, and it'll calm me down, fosho. And it's even a bigger relief knowing that the older I (people in general) get, the less I'm going to see t shirt. There won't even be such peer pressure eventually, that's just great.

Self-acceptance is also important. Although I own only 2 t shirts, sometimes I feel pressured to wear them when I go out to meet people of my age. I shouldn't have to. Sure I'm not stupid enough to wear a suit to a hippie gathering but. maybe not a regular white shirt either. but, maybe one of those tops that are a bit... active?? I guess?

No I'm not meeting hippies, it's just there are a lot of hippies in this town.

Anyways, I love suits. That's why I love London so much. Wouldn't be weird for a woman to wear a suit there all day every day. Oh God. I want to wear and rotate all my suits. Suit Suit Suit.

I think there are a couple phases to shopping for clothes n online shopping is phase 2. I'm about done.  I need a compact wardrobe with event/occasion/function specific clothes. I can't buy clothes that just seem pretty. They must serve more pragmatic purpose.

Therefore I have to have at least 2 t shirts with me at all times, just in case.

I don't enjoy it, it's for social emergencies.

artistic expression vs mathematical expression

it just occurred to me that religion is least compatible with math, and in that ascending order, physics, chemistry, etc.

That is why you see a bunch of God believers present in psychologists, sociologists and whoever claim to be "scientists" whose discipline does not require substantial math.

When you think about it, "Science" is too broad a term. Observations are true, but all expressions are either artistic or mathematical.

Religion is more of an artistic expression.

Let me think about it for a second.



You may wonder how this can come from God's Faithful. I firmly believe only the one who examines God most critically and still sees it is a true believer. I can't be too scared to explore any topic pertaining to God.

I'm... I must be open to the most aggressive debunkery, which is best if I fashion it myself, and still believe.

Maybe nihil is our first last enemy in the absence of hunger and disease. I don't know.

For the past few years, deeply I think it's my friend.

What's the point of reducing tax if you're goin to increase ways to tax

Do people not realize

reducing 10% of tax but add a new tax

1 - > 0.6x


1 - > 0.7 x

1 - > 0.9 x

still end up with 0.6x

Of course they realize .     

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Why can't Spaniards speak English

You go through a few phases arriving at a supposedly modern city.

First you wish to honor the locals so you learn their native language.

Second you wonder why the fuck do these people not speak English for a supposedly modern city.

Multi-national corporation, too.

Why can't Europe learn from the US and employ great English-speaking people from call centers in India? What's with the stick up their ass?

I'm talking about Corte Ingles, of course. Or shops at the hottest tourists spots that have no one who can speak English.

It's funny because how easy it is to learn if you already speak Spanish.

Why would people, and corporations, who deal with English-speaking people, probably the majority of their client base, on a daily basis, not train or employ people who speak English?

More and more I realize the Anglosphere is actually pretty small. I hope it'll prevail.

Phones are seriously the most intrusive invention ever. Aside from its usefulness, it's annoying AS FUCK. Doorbells too. Any time they ring, they disrupt you immediately and instill such anxiety and rush into you that you have to get it within 10 seconds. For doorbells someone has to come to your door, but a phone call, anyone anywhere can fuck up your flow at any time they want.

I'm telling you, just to put things in perspective: this is equivalent to a man surviving in the wild discovering a panther, or a snek, hiding in the bushes over there and makes a hiss or something. It's the only time in the history of humanity that you are required to be alert and act in 10 seconds. As a part of daily life.

And here we thought we are out of the jungles and don't need those reflexes no more.


Maybe it's just me, but I have never received good news on a phone.  100 %  of good news I've received are on paper and via email.

Nor do I like to call people. I would rather stab them to get their attention than call.

Not to mention "push notification." Oh God. I went to a thing in Urban Airship while I was in Portland. Talk about devil's lair...  And just bc Linus Torvalds moved there does not mean it's going to be the second SV LOL. Tech scene in that town is about as laughable as it can get.

But back to topic.

It amazes me how the people of BCN can't be bothered to learn English at all. It is a city frozen in time. If the whole country is like this, it's a country frozen in time. You don't have to speak it all the time, hell, of course you don't. But at least don't be so incompetent at your job.

I'm constantly shocked by the kind of people that get paid a salary. I wonder. "They're better than people who are getting by on welfare" you might say.

But yeah, I guess my problem isn't with a welfare state, just the absolute inachievableness of meritocracy in any society ever. It's not a problem with socialism which they say is the transitional stage between previous and communism, it's communism.

Now it may surprise you, though it shouldn't, that I actually am quite familiar with many arguments fervent defenders of communism use. I remember this one in Luxembourg, you know, working in Luxembourg and a communist fanatic, said, we are all free to be creative once productivity is no longer a concern. Not only will we compete to produce and create, the merit and innovation generated by the masses will be immense.

It's - at first it's nice-looking, but it broke down immediately. I'm sitting here with "FUCK WHAT THE FUCK" going around in my head.

These people are dreamers man. Even with incentives people will not work. They will not learn and they don't want to learn. Socialism and Communism want to respect that wish, but at what cost, on what basis? Kill off all the GREATNESS in the world.

 You can interpret welfare in many ways. The only acceptable one in my opinion is to help those who need help, and NOT create a society where everyone can be lazy, meritless and useless. That's the fucking direction all these countries are going. How are they going to sustain on what they have, man?

With the aid of machine you might reduce the need of human contribution to simple labor, save a few critical jobs for the able-minded. But what kind of retarded maggots are you raising on the farm? How is this a different form of survival vs pre-civilization? Because more people live?

Why don't people want to better themselves? I don't get it. I don't get why people who can help themselves have to rely on other people's help, or counting on things worsening off so others will sink to their level. What kind of fucking shit is this.

Everything can be better. They CAN be better. They just aren't.

That doesn't bother the shit out of you?

What a disaster if things are reversed

I just think about it.

Why does this feel so right and the opposite feels so wrong?  They should be equally right, and permissible.

Is there really a way God intends for things -  that the opposite isn't necessarily wrong, but just " not right "  ?

Or is it chosen by people .

Old Dreams

I haven't talked to you about dreams because they weren't particularly interesting of late.

Rather, harrowing.

Last night I did have a memorable dream.

You just remember the last scene where I confronted 3-4 people that should represent a whole country who basically sneered at my concern for human rights.

At that moment I snapped back to consciousness knowing there are monsters in people. I finally understood, once and for all, why we can't judge people solely by their actions, because they may be doing the same thing for wildly different reasons, and that itself makes a whole lot of difference. I'm a... nonconsequentialist now, I suppose. I may give Intricate Ethics another read, it may not be as bad as I thought.

I know it sounds like common sense and all, but in search for absoluteness I may have jumped to myopic conclusions. I'm sorry. At least no one suffered because of it. I have discovered it in time.

I'm sorry.

Old Game

Revisited an old game today. My favorite.

Lost disk two and every new copy I acquired it has an error msg. I didn't actually read it until yesterday, just missing files & dir. I fixed the directory and...

Oh God Diary.

It's too much to contain here.

It's made in 2000.

I played in 2000.

Along with Rayman. Except, 17 years later, I found this has shaped my worldview.

This is a big part of my value system, my life...

and 17 years I didn't revisit it.

There are too many details I didn't pay attention to as a kid... to many subtleties I didn't understand.

I do now. Instantly.

I can even see that this isn't a perfect story, and it reduces humanity to...

but I...

It's good to finally have clarity. It's the best Outside Context I've gained.

The frame is superb.

I admire the one who wrote the story, therefore I will forbid myself from seeking...

Let it be a perfect memory.

God. Everything makes so much sense now.

The story, it explores your insight of yourself, and more importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.

I have to Go.


I decided to try this tiger nut milk called Chufi, but I've decided to call it "hospital milk".

I've been to the dentist plenty of times because I needed braces as a kid, had problem with sweet tooth & whatnot so I'm familiar with the smell.

This Chufi has the exact same taste & smell as the liquid your dentist rinse your teeth with!!!!!


that chemical tasting stuff they spray in your mouth??

Holy God.

I can't.

Imagine mixing milk with clinical disinfectant... that's what it tastes like .

I wonder if it's certain chemical in there that's present in both solutions... it must be. To find out I'll have to learn all about tiger nuts... and I don't want to...

It's shocking, but I can let it go.

Sunday, September 24, 2017


Why do you feel strongly about this stuff?

Saturday, September 23, 2017


















Giant chunks of protoplasm

It's true.

Played a silly game

le president's daughter


  not a shocker  .  

Friday, September 22, 2017


So protesters are drumming through city center now... I can barely peek at them since I'm on the quieter side of the street, n I just showered so I can't go down to see.

But, such passion. I feel it. Drumming it at 10PM. I'm not bothered at all. I'm just admiring at the passion.

Protests are interesting. I saw it in Seattle once, the day I left actually. Above Pike Place, around the Library & Art Museum actually. It was Daytime, people had chairs & whatnot on the side of the street. It didn't feel very passionate though the protest hadn't started, but they were like, I thought they were waiting for a parade or something. Well, you already know how I feel about the city.

But this is interesting. This is a happening city, and its people got flavor. I love it.

Precious Disk Space

Don' t  aggravate  me  

Restaurants that look like workspace

 : /

It rains!!! It's raining.

Thank you.

I Love rain.

How many playlists do I have ?


This Timeline

Or "worldline", as they call it.

How far back are you willing to go?

Delving into the past... is delving into memory. It's not useless, but.

Maintain your image, doll. Don't destroy it.

Baby, you have to put it into words.

Oh... they call it "gender dysphoria", right now it's the least of concerns.

Admitting you're wrong is a big step.

The way of communication... the way of communication between brilliance!!!!!! is not what I hoped.

There is only . . . from a distance.

Downtime is reserved for easy, mindless activities...

... best collaborated with relaxed, mindless individuals.


It's righteous to choose happy fellers for bed and breakfast

but over a distance, platonically, be connected to so many others!


That is why a great mind can make choices based on basic reasons, just like anyone else would

Because this can only take place across space and time

and it's an unreasonable luxury to think... to even think that we can exist under the same roof...

the "Academy" is no more

the mentor / follower relationship has forever changed

Everyone has a fair chance to twist the truth and make a name for themselves


I weep for the loss of respect for GREATNESS and BRILLIANCE

but at times I do think

what do they... we... deserve.

What prestige do we deserve.


How is God going to judge us, Diary?

I am so tiny, so small. A hundred of us is so tiny, so small. A thousand. Ten thousand. There aren't over a hundred thousand.

It's so soothing to feel ... to see happiness flowing outside of you.

But this isn't a unique experience.

Adris Plainwood.

Somewhere over the plains

where Death has ignored . . .

Swept a gentle wind . . .

Elliptical Dune

Must not demand to feel consistency.



D O N ' T 

Absolute Progress

Is it a little extreme?

Thursday, September 21, 2017

How to remotely install VPN

First you go like this

2 go like this

final step - go like this



God some of the lines. It's a great show, it really is. It's just I'm better at detecting discrepancies perhaps. Like one second Lincoln said "maybe not" ( to "no way" )  ( that Westmoreland could help them burn the rec room) the next when the crew was actually considering it he went "no way the man is a boy scout".

What do you think Lincoln, do you have a chance or not?

Ah whatever. Don't think about this anymore. By now it's obvious that I can't say "don't pay attention to it" because clearly I'm going to pay attention to this but.

Dear God I just want you to know I'm facing a daunting task. I'm trying to distract myself but I'm slipping into a suppressed frenzy.

Seriously look at the resemblance

harvest 100% of the sun's energy





Harvest 100% of the sun's energy

&, vs, whatever you choose; with-

a compression algorithm that can fit into any structure or be built as a platform that directly faces the end user

Does that

At some point the holes are going to ruin the fun.

They have.

I'm just saying. There is only so much suspending disbelief for the creator's benefit.

It's about me now. What I enjoy.

N apparently I can't enjoy any of this.

The decline of pedophiles' social position over the last decade

Bellick should really work in HR. He recruited Sara, recruited Bob, etc. etc. I mean if he can get the governor's daughter to work in Fox River...

Anyway. Just a little over 10 years ago, a pedophile would have some sort of "prestige" in prison. People respected T bag, got him little boys, etc.

Look at it now. Being a pedophile is one of the worst things on earth. Time sure has changed, and on this subject matter it has changed a lot. Can you imagine in today's prison, a pedophile would receive this treatment? I think I saw on multiple occasions that pedophiles are the most hated group in prison -  and in society, in general, today.

I mean it's staggering and I can't get over it. How did people worship pedophiles back in the day? T Bag had his whole gang. Not only white supremacists, but they dig it that he raped little boys and girls.

Oh well. I think this is the last time I'm watching Prison Break. It's not about this or anything, it's just I think I have wholly refreshed my memory. I think I picked up on all the cues and details I didn't the last time, which was the first time. And if I want to revisit the series, it's going to be S01E06-10. First season is truly the best. The whole Sona chicken feet, the search for Scylla etc, doesn't really interest me.

I don't know what to say. Like I said TV is probably over for me, just like anime.

I always wondered when things will start to kill off. Die off. Kill themselves off. Anyways. Just like I want to know how I feel every year, every month, every week. That's why I have these records, right? It records every turning point of my life. Little turning points. I don't write the big ones.

Watch nature.

Pay attention to the hurricanes.

Real currencies vs coins.

The political shitstorms blowing all around.


Oh God Diary. I can't. I can't get through 10 pages of notes a day while I'm producing about 30, if I really go at it. Good God. If life is make, take and understand, this is...

I can't have these old notes piling up... there are too many. God. Good God. Member those days where I lugged them all over the world? Good Lord. Stuffed my suitcase. Here & there & back again. Books of old notes. Good Lord. I still haven't gotten through them all till this day.

God it makes my head hurt. If I brought them with me, to Europe, they would've visited all continents minus one. NOTES FROM 2010!!!!!!!!!!!

That's 7 years Diary!!!!!!!!

7 YEARS!!!!!!!!  That's why I make a point to not do that again these days, which means I have to go through notes FAST.

Every day there is about a hundred billion moments where I doubt if I'm dumb.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017




I FILLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does Julian Assange really want refuge in Catalonia

Is he tired of UK weather or somethin

You see I was right in calling him ze master shit-stirrer, right?

He must want dat asylum status pretty bad

Yet wherever surrounding me everyone is chill

It's only when you see this shit up and close

I -

La Policia Esta a Traves de la Ciudad y Aqui Ahora Estoy...

... not affected at all. I wonder if I should go out on October 1, just to see the special forces & whatnot.

"You're a sheltered kid!"

Yes and No. 1, I'm not a kid anymore.

2. I'm not sheltered. I worry a lot, have a bunch of fears, and don't like trouble. But,  you know. You know.

Anyway. People say more and more these days "it's none of your business/ it doesn't concern you/ what does that have anything to do with you"

but the entire purpose of life is to take, to make meaning out of things that aren't yours.

that bread and sauce up there, you didn't make them, you had no participation in its existence, yet you got it off of the shelf and now you're eating it.

I don't get it. Spaniards are nice, the only time they talked to me on the street was to greet me, briefly too. But I ask myself if I can handle some of the louts in London. You know, the stories I keep hearing about harassing turds in the tubes. I don't know.

I know if and when it happens, I won't be able to use "what does that have anything to do with you" as a defense mechanism. If someone feels the urge to come up to you and say something, it's got to be because their life- or they think their life is affected by you or your kind for some reason. I can never just brush it off like it never happened. Any time someone feels strongly about something to say or do something it's worth noting. They may be wrong, but much of history is made in the wrong. Ignoring it just never works.

You may find it silly that I'm preparing a proper response for an imaginary confrontation that may never happen. I'm just simulating the scenario, trying to understand every person I come across. It may seem weird for an asocial person, but whenever my sphere brushes against someone else's, I feel everything.

Can an extremely empathetic person be asocial? I think we both know the answer to that.

The way I see things... the perspective I developed in the past few years... months actually, makes it very confusing. I don't search for consistency anymore, or do I, see- that's the thing. It's like I'm in this constant wavering state, yet it doesn't deny everything I find to be true.

Anyway. Seeing things happening here up and close, I don't know what to make of it. What can I do besides watch? Not a damn thing.

Oh yeah, NK situation has got more aggravating. You gotta be wondering how I... things concern me, Diary. Things happening all over the world, including Africa now, legitimately concern me. I suppose it's part and parcel of growing up eh? Six degree contact, something like that.

I mean yeah, since Hilary lost I guess we don't have to get all tangled up on how she plays the blame game no more, let's focus on the POTUS now. He's not "a better choice" compared to somebody, he and himself is a problem.

There is no good candidate, that's the thing. We have evolved to a point no decent candidate can be offered to the mass population.

That's just great, man.

Why is it all the same

It's the same generic bullshit like the compression algorithm in SV. PB Season 4 sucks. It's so hard to watch, so I'm not going to watch it. I know I talked about the broken down General, I jumped it the last time. But I just can't take it seriously.

Also like with Sara, these shows, almost all of them, have to conveniently link the main character to the big bad boss somehow. When I heard Darth Vader is Luke's father, I almost puked. This never happens in real life, and somehow people add realism to it in fiction. It's just GROSS.

People are so dumb they have to make up convenient shit like this.

Also like I said PB is just a totally Christian story. The biblical references are off the charts. That's what FOX is about. All of this eluded me the first time I watched it.

It's so tiring. When people make convenient and erroneous connections and desperately push their agenda.

What is something you can look at in awe? Can you think of one thing? That's made post-

yeah. Yeah. A tool. I know.

It's just, Diary. I guess it's OK, it's fine, for me to not watch any TV from now on. It's cool.

i sigh


are you BORED ?

I'm not, I'm just empathizing.

God, it's important, the work, I mean.

100000000000000000000000000 %  NECESSARY        

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Have you read Angela Merkel's Impressum

Why is she so adorable

She filled it out like a good little school girl. That is honestly so endearing.

She also has a very nice website


I've never cried so hard about a movie as I did for Out of Africa. I watched it when I was VERY LITTLE. Not fetus little but very little.

I just doublechecked. No, it's not this one. I was talking about a different Out of Africa, about an indigenous tribe first encountering civilization.

I've gained more clarity tonight, Diary. I don't have to pick camps. Nobody ever asks that of me. I thought Fate beckons, but it doesn't.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Carrie has got to be one of the most retarded films I have ever watched


I can't explain to you how inane the plot is. Makes me rethink the whole of Stephen King. I mean, this is the extent of his imagination?

I guess you either like him, or stop telling yourself you like him.

I read Joyland, and I told myself it's great stuff, mainly because of the one little detail where the cart or something turned around from the ride and it had a little scrunchie in it or something. Something like that.

There is no reason I would enjoy that book.

God, all of the stories don't make sense. They're 1000% pointless, and I only wanted to be able to say I like Stephen King. I don't.

They're so retarded I want to cry.

A homeschooled sheltered weird girl gets her first period & doesn't know it & gets bullied. Why is that such a big deal, I mean to this extent? Why does one of the girls who called her names have to whore out her boyfriend, like how did anyone even come up with that as a solution? Can you imagine if two guys had beef and then one of them lends out his girlfriend for a few days like what even is this. Why does Stephen King have to write about high school it's like the Eskimos writing about tropical seasons. I just can't. Why?

These must be illusions man. All these celebrated "artists", "writers", "singers" that totally don't make sense and have no skill, logic or imagination.


I'm going to watch Silent Hills to calm down.


   .  .        

Old fashioned to the extreme

I feel like the more "avant-garde" stuff there is,  the more it's pushing me back.

It's normal. It's normal reaction.

Not long before I can sit by woodfire drinking hot coco, having a kind of Christmas I never had.

It's pushing me back.

Everything is contradictory

"H'which litecoin rig is ze best"

like i'm goin to talk about dat.


Salt field

a white long stretch

human endeavor

Rain 100%

It's raining now. I had to listen to it.

Rain makes it wonderful. I love hearing it hitting the window, hitting the ground. Oh God.

Why does our childhood play such a big part in our happiness? How come anything that reminds me of childhood automatically brings me joy? What do the psychologists, or whoever, say again?

It has been a cool weekend, Diary.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

We gon goin going gone GONE




Cringy Teenage Moments

Why am I smiling remembering them

Diary Diary Oh Diary

I was really a cringy kid

Oh Good Lord

I still am aren't I.

In many many ways

Oh God Oh God OH GOD




Just cringing in different ways but I like it!

Damn it I like it!

Nobody is on your side

As the Referendum approaches, which I take no part in but nevertheless it has been an educational experience, I reflect upon more latest learnings.

I think my disdain for women has almost peaked. It's got to. You can imagine my reluctance and frustration to admit this. However this does not imply I'm self hating, or hating all of this species. I still have (very little) hope, and it's very, very inconsistent. I can only admit here that all the women I know of, the trash to gold ratio is 100:1, probably.

The number one thing is superficiality, I think.  It plagues us all.

Hillary Clinton

Looking at reviews...

I'm actually glad all this happened.

It shows even if the game is all rigged, it can't be done.

Not in favor of one does not imply being in favor of another, for sure. It's more grim, but true.


Good nite.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Gay things I do

like leaving in the Note section (of online orders) an excerpt of poem. delightful entry.

i can't help it when it says "Note"

i literally can't look away if I encounter that specific letter combination irl

it's unnecessary, and very fucking gay.

not to mention I never quite got (understood) poem myself.

if i got a poem, i wouldn't have gotten it

i'm too tired to press caps

not because i feel too corny now or anything.

Good Lord, Diary

I got spooked today. Darkness almost ate me. In the hallway.  I think I'll take the lift from now even if it smells like wet dogs.

Yeah, not even because of sweat. It rained half a day today (!!) OFC I WAS OUT.  I got dirt all over my new shoes (ARRIVED TODAY) and my calves, but do I care? No.

Alright. I'm still deadly afraid of Darkness.

Don't laugh at me.

Why are you going to such lengths

Why anything.

I have a fresh understanding of privilege now. It's part of reality.

It's true that those... some, who always had privilege want to struggle, because they face social immobility. I couldn't care less because that's not me.

I'm very afraid of mistakes.

Friday, September 15, 2017

You don't know, I don't know

Now you do know I don't know.


I -

- I


a rebuttal to "The Encyclopedia Britannica was expensive, useless, and exploitative. I’m glad it’s gone."

"Useless" i can't even

ignore that


It (Wikipedia) isn't organized at all. There is no master index. The two are structured completely differently.

All- random- specific

All 3 are needed

Wikipedia is good for Specific

forums are good for random  (I consider both reddit and YT forums, and Twitter prolly, sadly there are no better place to hang because there is no bigger place to hang)

Encyclopedias are All

Anyway since we on zis topic I don't... can't just buy them as social media and call it a day. It's like calling a painting "canvas painting", yeh but, what is it? It can be more specific, you know?

So those are forums. I don't think Facebook is a forum it's just filthy and sad, it's so sad

intentional vs unintentional Christian connexion

Le difference between "The Encyclopedia of Country Living"  &  "SAS Survival Handbook"

Does every kid have the latter n every woman dreaming of white picket fence have the former? I guess if it's a picket fence it's not... but they're dreaming anyways, I guess country is more distant than suburbs

h'which is moar important to you

Figuring out the present or understanding the past

It seems like a "duh" question


it's not

Of course, both, but if, you know.


I had a conversation the other day, on the phone. I cried, and I said... revealed some inner thought while I did so.

Just so you know, I don't talk on the phone often, or cry. That was my second cry this year and probably the last.

And tonight while I was in the kitchen, I overheard a conversation in the hallway.

It made me highly suspicious that someone who understood that conversation -  my conversation, could be living next door. I thought that tag expired, but if it is what is says, then, well, I guess there is no avoiding it in foreseeable future.

The "eavesdropping" is not for me, it's for them. About them. Do you hear about people revealing their innermost thoughts to strangers when randomly "striking up conversation" as they call it? Because they think strangers don't know shit and won't do anything because they are just outlets, unattached. I don't feel that way. I feel more than a little iffy knowing anyone besides the select few know what I really really think.

Because your innermost thought, it's never a bunch of things, or complex. It's always simple, few, plain, strong. Yet they explain everything. They tell everything about who you are. They speak to your fear, your insecurity, your desires. Just a few simple sentences. All your secrets are not secrets anymore. Your motives, your purpose in life, everything, everything, everything is showing. I doubt anybody ever lays themselves so bare in word.

Yet I have. It's done. The idea that somebody next door has a grasp on my deepest, innermost fundamentals makes me... I don't even have a word for it.

And they're going about their daily life just as normal, just comfortable with the fact as they're comfortable with any other fact. Trivial.

I don't see a single positive from this, but I have to say luckily, not all of me was revealed. I said something that's always on my mind as an ordinary human being. It's nothing unique, in fact rather opposite. Only I noticed it doesn't affect others psychologically that much. which is why it was such a big deal.

In the Greater scheme of things, it doesn't matter if anyone knows that. It's not a secret, and how it affects me as a person doesn't change anything. This is a personal issue, that's all.

I'm glad I don't have a habit of discussing anything buried deeper in my head. It stays buried. There is no other way, anyhow.

If it's the truth, why does it feel so dark and ugly?

Because the truth is dark and ugly sometimes, I suppose.

Just like you can say orange is beautiful, blue is ugly. It's the connotations we attach to them. It's my perspective. It's my position. It's my experience and thinking.

I know.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

editing mkv with multiple audio tracks

Why don't they make it easier? Oh God. If I'm going to watch it more than once I only want to keep the bits that "count".

I figured out why I caught cold

I have been exceptionally weak in the past two days. Neck and above straight burning up.

Then I remembered it's all because I found the M.Grifoni T too late.  It's basically hollow in the middle, and my belly's caught air. I should never hang two pieces on one hanger and I won't do it again.

And this is where for the hundredth time I wonder how can I survive outside of my elements. Glad we're not rating fitness based on survival anymore. But boy, I just shudder to think how weak I am.

Below 22C- too cold, above 26C- too hot. Can't even go 24 hours without eating.

00 now

I'm gray as a gargoyle, Diary.

I'm like some sort of fruit... no- you know what I'm saying? How does someone go from the second after shower, having that clear, supple skin, so soft- to turning into this gray, half-dead gargoyle in half an hour? I don't get it.

Anyhow, note is going to pile up again. I should probably go to the park again soon?

I'm not just complaining, Diary. I have to fix this body somehow. A greater physical strength will allow me to work more efficiently. I'm not saying I should not have to eat, I mean I wish I don't have to be so delicate.

I have to take care of myself, something I've always been reluctant to do.


I don't know. It's like another person. I don't know what to do to relax. I have so little intrinsic understanding of joy. Maybe I'll only feel that by contact when I'm with a simpleton. Remember what I got today, that may be justified.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Write It Down

A therapist would suggest I write it down. So that's what I'll do. On paper.

It is funny, Diary.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Who is Walnut?

Happy Catalonia Day.

Who is walnut?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Snapping a neck

Rowenta Access broke, I believe. Water gets heat up but steam isn't coming out no more. Damn, I spent 60 euros on that thing and I don't have the receipt no more. I only used it once, and it wasn't good.

Thus I can't iron my shirt.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much.

I'll use my hair straightener. It didn't occur to me at the time, or else I shouldn't even need to get a handled steamer.

Ah it's pissing me off. Once, I only used it once!

I'm sorry for getting so close and personal with you. It didn't remain superficial.

I'll try not to do it again.

echoes that dwell . . .


Smells that collide... citrus... lavender... "Linfa" whatever that is...

Christmas in the Silent Forest . . .

They say the lyrics is nonsensical.

France & India

France  &  India keep amaze me, you know what I mean? Fucking hell. Incredible.

How did they... I mean.. Oh wow.  OK.  I suppose it'll happen more often.

Good work, old people . 

room of an astro -

it ain't the sturdiest structure but it gets the job done.

 !  !

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Do you

Do you know what it's like being on a cargo ship, Diary?

I'll take you there next time.

The ocean is big and open, and it's all yours.


Can you believe it's time already?

I thought about what I said yesterday. Very rarely I wake up not disagreeing with what I said the night before. However, I think, this is one of them rare occasions.

But someone did bring up a good point, and it made me wonder. What if the reason I keep my religion private is because I don't think people will approve? "Why worship any God when there is so much suffering on this planet" is the general argument. There is a lot of emotion in there, in fact I begin to think justice, outside of judicial literature, is an emotional construct. But true. I wouldn't know how to explain the God I believe in to anyone. I only know what it's like with me, I don't even know if it interferes with other people's lives. I always assumed there potentially might be more GODS.

Narrative-wise, it's no match for the Bible or anything. Nobody is going to build churches around it. Nobody but me will believe it. I don't have a holistic understanding of it.

But while I have read the bible, in fact, spent a great amount of time to search for existing beliefs that I might believe in, this is still the only one.

I can't justify it to anyone else. This part is confusing.

Yet there is no denial for me that the God I believe exists.

The other things I'm not so sure. There are so many contradictions. I begin to see that it seems people think "two is better". Of course, you have to have both. At the end of the tunnel, there is light. Right after you criticized something, you realize that you yourself do it. Bigger things. Life trajectorial jokes.

I don't know. It's getting clearer and more confusing at the same time.

I think maybe one way to contain this is to not define "consistency" as "monotone", and accept that people do conflicting things- mainly, things that reflect conflicting values. I think this is the problem. Value sounds timeless, but the way we adopt it is circumstantial.

I also believe, after long observation, that maybe the best way to make friends is circumstantial, too. Planning is involved, too, perhaps, but, mainly up to chance.

You just simply have to change the definition of these things. It's the words - the semantics, that's confusing me.

So many things have no real reason at all, Diary. It's all a matter of preference. I...

I have to fix it.

General Krantz Breaking Character

The hardest thing to watch about Season 3-4 is the breaking of the story and the breaking of character of General Krantz. Do you think there is a better way to write his demise without making him... mundane?

This mysterious man... mysterious, powerful figure, couldn't he have gone down more... fittingly? I mean... just don't make him panic and yell so much? I mean, going from not speaking a word out of discretion to shouting on the phone like a little kid, it's a bit too much.

The story broke down, too. A good Christian story, but it's not a very good conspiracy theory, if you ask me. Too much still relied on previous planning where it's supposed to be about improvisation. I think I liked the whole Scylla thing when I first watched it, but now I just can't get over why his mom has to be like that?

I mean, in all TV shows, pretty much, and movies, now that I think of it - they aren't really interested in telling stories about random people who got into serious situations. How come the parents and siblings are always conveniently involved? I mean, is it necessary? Why is Mycroft Holmes in such a convenient powerful position?

I mean, sure, Michael is Lincoln's brother, that's the whole premise. But does Sarah have to be the Governor's daughter? Because the Governor's death seems to be the only reason she was in on this thing. Does their own dad have to be that guy? I mean, I have seen it way too many times and this doesn't happen as often in real life. And finally I don't even need to ask, their mother does not need to be there. It is really ridiculous.

Can't think too much into it... can't... think too much into it...

Why would you analyze the plot. What's the point. I mean, I don't mean...

I mean, if even history... you know, if even historical events aren't backed up by "concrete reasons", are "logical nonsense", like all the revolutionary revolutions that don't actually have a good cause, or the great war generals that didn't have a plan. If actual human history is like this, why am I asking a fictitious plot to be flawless?

There is no need to criticize. God, people criticize too much these days.

I have to... I have to look at things in a better light.

It's very, very hard for me to look at anything positively, Diary. I'm not even sure if I can actually distinguish good news from bad news, it's that bad. But make no mistake, I never once took bad news for good ones.

I guess I didn't know how bad it was until one day I realized I had a habit of calling "best" "the least worst" in my head. Like if I want something, I would be thinking in my head "what's the least worst version of it".

It's not the way to get through life.

Ah but the shipment is late.

There is a lot I have to learn. But some things are really touch and go for me, Diary.

Today is Grandma's birthday.

And she made it to 80.

I'm sorry I wasn't there. Last times I was with her, she was always telling me how it was time for her to go. She wasn't ill or anything, it looks like she's just troubled by the fact of her age. I don't know if that contributed in any way to my own perception of age.

I mean... I love life but I hate age. Does that make sense?

Of course it does. Where are all these anti-aging products coming from.

If my only concern is the looks, I don't think it will be a problem.

But nanna, she . . .

I want to understand her.

Do we really get to determine our own fate and time?

I mean . . .  I accepted God when I was 7, but I don't have any wishes for myself as a humanbeing. I want all my family to be well, and peace to humanity, but I don't want anything for myself. My life is complete, in a way. I was happy to see a tree. I was happy to walk down the road. The thrill may be different, but as far as "happiness" goes, if I even properly understand such a thing, riding roller coaster isn't that different from seeing flowers, lying down, or just breathing.

I honestly don't want anything for myself as a person, Diary.

I owe everything to God, then my parents. Or maybe parents first. But I always knew that without God's gifts, I'm nothing. I'm just another human being in . . . it says 7.5 billion now.

I don't feel special in any way, in my innermost self.

I feel like my whole life is to guard this God given gift. There is such a constant disparity in me, how I feel... as a human versus God's Faithful.

I think, when it comes to humanly decisions, I have to defer to my human self. Which is why I have been trying so hard to understand and appreciate humanity. I am a human, Diary. I am one of everybody.

They say you have to understand yourself first, and then know everybody else. I know myself pretty well, even before I heard from God.

But I can't say I know everybody else. How can you determine that you know everybody else? Because they act the way you predict them to, or want them to? Thoughts are private, and even expressed in action, it could be interpreted wrong. While it's not unhealthy trying to be right, I can't see this as a right/wrong kind of thing anymore.

My faith in God is unconditional and unwavering, but perhaps it takes a bit of blind faith to trust humanity?

It's such a conflict, Diary.  I'm not saying I'm ready to love humanity yet. Especially first thing first... I don't even believe in love.

Just faith, trust, I guess.

Nanna is such a saintly person, but does it mean she has no faith in humanity anymore? Why does she not want to be here? She knows we love her, right? I mean, even for me, not love, well wishes and hopes, and protection and prayers...

I try to see someone's will to go beyond "sadness"  . . .

I really want to understand her.

I don't actually know what can make her happier. She never asks for a thing. Nobody knows what she wants, and I'm afraid that we will "figure it out" when it's too late . . .

I should figure it out, but as of now, I really can't.  I don't know what she wants.

One time, nanna told me how unfortunate it is to be born as a woman . . .  and my eyes immediately welled up because I felt the exact same way. Only I know she has it worse.

I don't... I never want to bring up this topic, because I haven't let myself be oppressed enough to even acknowledge it. I can't... I will not acknowledge it.

But nanna is such an honest, kind woman, and she has never had a choice. She can't use an alias, she doesn't lie, and she does not have extraordinary reasons to fight it all. Fate put all these... almost all women together, in this pile. They see everything... they experience everything... and when they look back on their life, they might not consider it worthwhile.

Is that what it is, nanna?

If I were born 10 years... no, 20 years earlier, I would've been subjected to a similar fate. Or perhaps I'd figure something out. Had God not chosen me, I would definitely be . . .

I think I get it now. There is no way for me to make it better for her. I know she has the will to live, and that's all that matters. She is used to the sadness in her heart. I'm glad I got to hear it before I left.

It is the sort of thing that worsens the conflict in my head .

Diary I . . .

I try. I'm always trying. I give it my best shot. It's the only way.

But now I know, one side has to lose. I can't keep both sides alive at the same time. It's fundamentally impossible.

I must choose, sooner the better.  I've been trying to choose since I was 12 or so. Same-different arguments over the past 10 years.

Truth is, I suck at decision making. I know the part you call a heart is the part of the brain susceptible to emotional manipulation. Since it's always undecided up there, I always leave it to logical sense. I came here with that, and it turned out to be right. It always turned out to be right when I make decisions with my "head" and not my "heart". They don't work together, Diary. They're not all that cooperative.

I don't know. One thing I know is I can't choose now. at this very moment. Soon. I hope, I hope to God or humanity in me SOON. It needs to be soon.

Give me Guidance, God.

Happy Birthday, Grandmother

With Love


Friday, September 8, 2017

Dr. Hill

I was just looking on YT before bed and Whad'ya know, I found Dr. Hill in the "game" that I loathe... "Until Dawn", is played by the same actor.

I hated the game for the same precise reason that it basically copied actors in mocap. I hated the guy playing Mr. Robot, his fucking ghoulish eyes haunt me to this day.

But now I'm intrigued for the same reason. Because... that's Abruzzi's voice... and face.

I know. This has got to stop.

Dreadful game. Dreadful story. Wendigos are hideous and bullshit. I have problem with these folk tales, I'll tell you about it later.

Damn, some guy did an asmr impression of Dr. Hill. This is a far stretch. Dr. Hill is a far stretch from Abruzzi, and this guy is a far stretch from the actor who plays him... I gotta think straight.

I must not download it and convert it to mp3 first thing in the morning and port it to my phone. I will not do that.


I can't have that whisper in my ears.


I'm getting to the bottom of the whole context enjoyment thing, too.  Naturally, it only brings about more questions, but I've found some answers, too.

Sometimes, you find answers in form of questions.

And that's how a rabbit hole goes down.


Ah Diary, a lot of real work to do. Let's hope the rack comes in tomorrow. Today. It's today.

And, I don't know, should I go somewhere this weekend?

Also, tomorrow, I think the timing will be right. How long does it take for home fragrance to dissipate? It's another faggoty thing I'm trying now, and I'm sorry. I just feel like I need good smell at home, like I'm in a spa constantly. All the time.

How long does it take to fill 60m2... sorry, 72m2, or is it 78... surface area doesn't matter in this case, in fact it needs to be reducted for overlap. What's important is it's open space, the volume is about 120m3. So how long does it take to fill 120m3 of air? 10 straws. It's certainly slower than I thought. Hopefully tomorrow, but that's quite alright.

I haven't talked to you about food in a while. I fucked up steaks, too, if you want to know. I got enough ham and melon, and I don't want to talk about it for another week.

It's a good thing I ...  now.

What it is... what it is...

I know I sound crazier every day despite the normal things I cling onto.  Hang with me.  We're finding answers, yet time is so limited.

God wills it.

Don't make me say it... "Deus Vult"


Amplify . . .  amplify . . .

You want to know the specifics, right?

Well, you can't know if you don't get some work done  . 

That's right.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Thank you?

Let's think about this rationally.

I think you know I was right.    - - -

I got the battery today. Clock is ticking now.  Small face, but exactly what I need.  Every second... every second is reminding me...

new angles... new angles. Diary.


Just so you know I'm not that retarded. you know what I mean.

Holy Hell


2 minutes after my heartfelt confession, it started pouring. I wish you can hear a recording. It's insane. Look how big the raindrops are, they're beading!

Holy Hell. I know it might not have anything to do with it, but it's such a comfort.

I will feel better now.

Side thought

You know, sometimes I think it's not too bad that I am a woman.

If I was born a man, all else being equal, there is a nonzero chance that I would be the stalk and rape kind.

There is not a chance for a 5'6'' woman to stalk and rape a 6'2'' fictional character. Any fictional character.

Sometimes I can't fathom what kind of delinquent I would be if I were born a man. Oh God.

But as a woman, I see only one path: the path of cleanliness and niceties. It's the only path that's ever worked for women.

Sometimes I fear thinking about the first person I will like irl. God made sure that will never happen. It's truly a great thing for society, for others, and mostly for myself.

I know I am not a rational person... on this subject matter.  Sooner or later I'll have to face the fact that I...

But I know. I know why God gave me the Mandate when I was 7. It is a creed I'm going to live by my entire life. This life, whether I complain about it from time to time or not, is righteous. It's great I'm born the way I am, trapped in this paradox, so I'm always safe, and others, too.  As far as this goes.

I'm really picking up on the patterns, Diary. The more I consciously avoid thinking about it, the clearer it becomes. It's not nagging me in the back of my mind, it's just there for me to see.

Well, plenty of people like this as far as tastes go, I assume.


Why is Ramin Djawadi such an amazing composer? That is so great. I just found out today that he's behind some of the greatest, note, not only my personal favorite but also some of the objectively greatest TV tracks.

Ah. Let me gross you out a bit further.

Honey sweet bear Abruzzi died today, again. I can't handle it. I mean, I can't handle how cute he is in the last episode. I know you find it gross. I know. I can't help it.

I think it might be important to find out why our attractions are, but I don't know if that will ruin the magic. Even when I'm not paying attention, I'm sensing a pattern over the years. I realize I don't want to spell it out loud.

Ahh..  ever since I discovered... you know. the...

How big can papers get.

I read about Nussbaum the other day. Over five hundred papers yet I have never heard of this woman in a professional setting. Never came across one of those five hundred papers in my safari. Ongoing safari, but it's gone long enough that I should have heard of her. I have not. The setting in which I heard about her was kind of a joke.

Maybe those papers are filler types published in... yeah.

Anyway. Papers is not the way to go.

I have a feeling I'm a little behind on this. I don't know what is the best...

Not everything translates...

Ah, wait.

I feel like a turtle sometimes. A turtle in the ocean. I feel like I know how turtles feel.

Sometimes you think you know an animal, but then you find out they have body part you didn't know existed. Like inside the penguin's mouth, I do not ever want to look into that again.

This romanticization is in stark contrast with reality.

I know it's sick.

But you know what, diary, I can't feel a thing anymore because of what I discovered. Not this. It changed a lot of things for me. It really... toppled my world.

Ah... what else can I focus on.


It's clearer than ever what I can focus on.

You wait, Diary.

I didn't DARE to think that God is... in a sense... in the same position as I... and everybody else.  This fact is too chilling to fathom.

But my faith in God isn't a blind faith, it's never because someone told me so. I chose to believe in it on my own, out of my own volition, and I am 100% devoted to it.

I am still God's Faithful. I just... as a little, puny human being I'm trying to process this thing that's greater than even God.

I know how this sounds Diary, I know... I can't tell you. I can never tell you. I can never tell you anything. I can let out my stress by poking a small hole in it, let it stream so it never hits the ceiling, but I can't release the dam and let it all out.

Oh Diary... you have been helpful.

I have to... I have to wash the dishes now.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

breakfast booze bruises

I have forgotten what it's like having a meal at noon.

This is the first day of restoration.

Whatever bug I find, I will kill.

Cutesie Abruzzi is giving me a toothache

Sweet tooth, this is a problem, man.

"Don't I have better things to do?"

I have better things to do, but not at 4am. I have to break this cycle.

John "Cutebutton" Abruzzi


babydoll made me forget what I was trying to say.

Oh right.

I can't afford to be specific in my diary. Last linguistic post. I couldn't specify what time periods I liked those languages in. You just have to deal with it. Trust me I know what I'm talking about.

I'm glad I don't have to prove anything to you. It's a habit, you know. I doubt the world, and myself, very deeply.

But I'm glad I can just talk to you about what's on my mind, who I want to fuck, etc.

Thank you for giving me this chance.

I really, I mean. I'd like to think you will never forget the common sense we now share.

Lately I found that I do have consistency, after all. I mean, after some contrarian thinking, I thought there were some break points in my life where I betrayed God's Principles, but lately I found I haven't.  I can't.

I wouldn't be here if I have.  I'm not that kind of being .

There are things we appreciate, diary, that are so specific to us individually, to the point there is no need to share with anyone else.  For me, there are a lot of those.

I'm not talking about Cutebutton Abruzzi. But let's talk about Cutebutton Abruzzi.

He's about to die in Season 2.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Spanish is fucking fascinating

I fucking love the language. Every time I come across a new word I'm like umph, oh yeah.

It's an intuitive understanding of how words are supposed to be.

Of course nobody speaks Latin no more so that's sad. But there's also Greek.

I'm more and more convinced that there is super clear hierarchy in inferiority and superiority of languages.

Chinese in older period, Latin from 12th century onward, British English, Greek, these are truly the best. Then modern day languages like American English, or just English nowadays since the Brits are assimilating to them, and I see they're losing more and more of their original goodness. Just spelling differences left. Let's hope not. And then French, Spanish, Italian? I don't like German all that much, this is a very subjective list.

Then there are the second rate languages such as Japanese and some Southeast Asian languages, Nordic languages etc. They lack organization, elegance, depth and logic.

Then all the near aboriginal, barely developed native languages.

Finally there are languages I won't acknowledge, such as Korean. Korean has pissed me off since the first time I saw it, and I can never say this enough: circles and twigs cannot be a language. It looks ludicrous and can't be taken seriously. I don't care how smart Korean people are, it's not a real language.

Ofc these are my opinions of language and language only .

I HAVE TO get this off my chest.

God it really pisses me off seeing geometric shapes in languages.

You had no idea.

Maybe you do now.

it's hopeless

Last day - almost?

All those hopeless people out there... I see em.

If finding out the answer isn't a big enough task

First, I gotta ask :

Is it one question or many  -  or only a few?  Because I know many is fairly impossible, and limited by my intellect I have to say few  .

got problem?

Hard Drive sounds like it's chewing up something.

I'm thinking maybe I need to consolidate all the data by the end of this year.

Story of -

Union, surprisingly  . 

Monday, September 4, 2017

Abruzzi is so cute

I'm re-watching Prison Break, since I have no more shows to watch this season. In fact, nothing to look forward to other than SV finale, GOT finale and BM Season 4.


I will always remember Prison Break as one of the best TV shows. Tension, action, GOOD characters. The characters are so good.

My first time watching it, I was just following the story. I was not even in high school. Seems strange it's only 12 years ago. It feels longer. Wentworth Miller could've shown more emotions, I mean a greater range, but I didn't notice the first time around. I remembered him as "the protagonist", I guess that shows it. I think Agent Kellerman was one of the most memorable characters for me first time around, and then Mahone, but perhaps only after I read some posts on the forum.

Anyway. I remembered Abruzzi too as a good character, but this time... for the first time I saw how cute the character is.

Now I want to make it very clear that by cute I mean "endearing", like the guy is clueless most of the time, he looks clueless, but can get the job done. It's just so cute. Like he's supposed to be this mafia don, right, but he like, is so wide-eyed, cooperative, has no control over the big picture, can't do nothing to Mike (aside from the toe), and is all around a pretty well tempered guy. But super reliable. It's jolly hilarious.

Bellick is a pretty well-rounded character, too.

I'm on episode 10, and I just began to realize like many others, this protagonist is almost pure evil, too. There is pure evil antagonist, and the good guys are pretty evil, too, causing endless death and suffering.

The show has a very interesting setting. I keep wondering about the many messages one can see from it.

Of course T Bag is one of the best characters, too. Top notch character in all of TV history.

It's just I find in order for me to find someone endearing, I have to be able to find a connection there somewhere. It's somewhat a relief that there is zero between me and this character. I'm more of an Abruzzi. It's that simple.

It's that artless. I finally begin to understand just how subjective you can get as an audience. This isn't just some random musing, you know why I'm telling you this. It's important.


You see... I don't actually know what other people relate to. Clues are everywhere. I just can't see it. I can fake it. I can't understand it.

The sadistic killer lady hasn't come out yet. I never forgot her. She's up there with Kellerman.

Now let's think.

Relatable... relatable... what makes them relatable?

I don't want to read any bullshit article... sorry, "studies".

Just think.

Cause it doesn't make sense to save Lincoln Burrows after the first casualty.

They didn't know the full extent of the backstory. They didn't know the justice they will end up fighting for. They're crazy.

I suppose it's foolish to search for "relatability" here.

Elsewhere then.

I  honestly can't tell you how foreign it feels. I try... I try to feel what other people are feeling... wanting... besides the obvious.

It's really, really hard, but it's part of understanding humanity.

I have to do it.


 I  feel like time has gotten tighter . . ?

    ?   !





It sounds dangerous, and not true. Wasn't true.

But I'd like to stick to some things I'm familiar with.

Not all things in my life need to change.


People or character

even flawed


Sunday, September 3, 2017

Somebody is cooking good seafood out there!!

This morning I woke up in my own pool of blood... no, I just mean it's a lot, and I went taking a shower, only got a little on my leg before I got dressed again.

Then I started smelling this GREAT SEAFOOD STEW!!!!!!!!!!!!  My window has been open for ten minutes and I can smell it in every room!

Who's cooking dis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's SO... Oh!!! It smells so yummy. Oh My God.  Oh Good Lord. Oh it smells so good.

I wish, you know, I wish I can smell the recipe!!  It's been in the pot for sometime, you know, it smells mature... I mean, rich... and, there is definitely... shellfish... and... maybe... octopus...

Oh wait it's gone. They ate it.

Oh My God.

I can never give up cooking, diary. Food is part of humanity. I'm not a machine, I can't just oil up myself and go.

Oh Good Lord. But it makes me so happy. I admit I'm histrionic sometimes, and not all my moods have a reason. I am feminine like that.

Let's do something today, OK?


  I can't shower today. It's too much blood.

  I wonder if I can't see answers right in front of me .

  I wonder if shared experience is overrated.

  If you have truth, not useful information but "truth" ,  do you keep it to yourself or spread the word?



Saturday, September 2, 2017

trackers who track your tracker

with no real life consequences

Dollar shop

avg grocery price:

tier 1:  1 (dollar shop, Target etc)

tier 2:  3 (trader Joe etc.)

tier 3:  5 (Delicatessen, gourmet shops etc)

That's it. Not a big difference, is it? Yeah I remembered that NYC interview. Bulk is on other things.

Why are there corn fields in a park

It's magical, like clockwork.

It rained on the last day of August, and starting from the first day of September, it has been cooler ever since.

I see why the locals empty out in summer. They been there. They been through this. They are absolutely right.

Now it's time to live, baby!

europa 2

Last post wasn't really about Europa... and this one isn't either.

I've decided that I probably should not drink, and it is only coming from the fact that apparently I don't want to drink. There are awfully lots of things you can drink nowadays, besides water. You can drink milk, juice, coconut water, lemonade, coffee, cocoa, tea, all sorts of things. You can get your water from fruit, vegetable, soup, and so forth. Of course I don't drink alcohol for hydration, but I really don't know the point. When I'm sad, I'm just sad. I can only do one thing at a time.

I think that's my problem. I can't multi-task. I can't be sad, drink, and hold a cigarette in my hand at the same time.

It's really strange, isn't it? Of course you can drink simply as, you know, wine pairing. But I have discovered that I don't really like wine with my food. If I don't like my wine, it ruins my food - more than it's usually already ruined.

It's completely unnecessary. I decided that I can stand fortified wine, dessert wine, but then I asked myself, if I have to choose- between a dessert wine and a proper dessert, which one would I choose.

I would choose the dessert.

So I'm really struggling to come up with a reason to drink any more wine. The thing is, it's such a big part of the social game, it might as well be as big as your arm. It's that important. People are always drinking in social gatherings, and ruining their meal. My meal at least.

I can still stand champagne, and I wish I can only drink champagne, that means I have a lot of celebrations. But every time I see people with beer, with red wine, anything but champagne really, I have to wonder.

I know this is extremely subjective, and not that meaningful to think about, but this is it. I don't think my body understands wine, therefore my mind can't either. This is one of the few things your body excels more than your brain. Another thing will be sex. Even if your mind understand how amazing sex is, if you are physically cringing when you see bare arms, you can't have it.

And another thing would be all sorts of food intolerance. Your mind might be turned on by gourmet food pictures, but your body knows if you ingest any sort of dairy, onion or seafood, you'll be dead.

FYI I don't think I have any food allergy, THANK GOD. Not that my cooking has benefited from it.

But today, I did cook two good eggs. I have placed another order of some exotic items which includes the black garlic. I decided to make eggs right. With experiment.

It also occurs to me that I could pick up some cookbooks. There are some kinds of very widely read books that I have never ever bought: self-help books, the dummy series, inspirational quotes, fashion magazines and cookbooks. Never owned any of them, and I'm always uneasy about breaking the streak.

However it is clear that I have no intuition whatsoever in this area, so I might as well borrow others' wisdom.

I firmly believe that the universe is finite because curvature. This should be clear as soon as the interplanetary magnetic field was detected. I find some of the discussions and debates surrounding this topic highly disturbing. Like it's so clear. You cannot have any of this if the universe is not finite. But there is a third property that is neither finite or infinite, and it has been defined in the past hundred years and it's sitting right there.

It's very hard to believe that there are as many brilliant minds today as there were say, in 1910s, especially in modern science. It's not that it's become increasingly difficult to make breakthroughs, it's just it's becoming more difficult to test theories in reality. It's not undoable, and the qualitative difficulty that is different is not so insurmountable since this is today, and not then.

I'm still disheartened and traumatized by the advertisement of fi.. I don't even want to say it, fidget spinners, on AAAS.  Know this is the first and the last time I say it.  It is beyond sad. That you can't attract people for what you are, but you have to throw in the fi...

ah Fuck.

It's not a big deal. It ain't.

I actually sat there and tried to figure out what event I should go to this weekend, and as you can see I have made up my mind to not go anywhere.

I desperately need a friend, diary. I can admit that to you. I feel like some of my friends have died. Indeed our friendships died in childhood, and I have yet to find a friend who can meet my adult standard. I hate how transparent it is that most people I come across are dealing with major, personal, reasonable, necessary problems in their lives that do not interest me.

That's how I see friend-making is nowadays. I can't count on two people going out and having fun, not with their baggage. I just hope there is a problem that is worthwhile for me to solve. I don't want to shop with some girl at Mango or Zara for some shirt made with poly blend. I don't want to go to a small bar and drink beer and watch amateur performance. I don't want to attend a figuredrawing session with novice. And never able to voice my true opinon. I don't want to go to a music festival because it's... loud. And there are... louts.

I don't want to go to industry conventions or conference or seminars because those shit are sketchy as fuck. It's big advertisements, it's ad fairs, and for the scientific ones, they are no better organized or updated than journals I can read at home.

I don't know where the fuck I can go.

You know what some bullshit psychologist might suggest at this point? "Describe your friend", they would say.

Alright, let's try it.

She - preferably a she, should be my age, has a job or better, or no less than no financial trouble - can't be struggling with money at all, I can't, I can't stand by watching my friend dealing with all the severe, miserable problems with money - has a college education, has unique understanding of art, especially abstract art, that's the best way to find out if someone has a unique perspective, and that's why abstract art is great. Everybody sees the subject matter in Renaissance paintings for what it is, but a person tells you what's on their mind when facing a fuzzy shape. If what they say is interesting, they're an interesting person. If they say "it's just a shape", they have no imagination and should be left doing their job quietly.

Those, and she should have at least two hobbies, one of which I share and the other one I don't. Pretty self explanatory. Should be open to go into nature once in a while, but must not be a sports fanatic. We will not jog, or run, or cycle, or do pilates, but once every month, we should find a national park or of sorts and go hiking.

As for personality, she should be calm. That's the number one thing. If she's calm then everything else will generally be alright. I think kids call it "chill" today but I want to make it clear.

Notice I haven't said anything about looks. It's not just that I think it would be too much to ask, it's also a fact that I don't care. I never cared about the looks of my friend. I just hope they're smart, open, nice and have their own personality.

I met all of them in institutions. Now that I'm in the wild, so to speak, I feel kind of incompetent for not being able to find one on my own. I've always wanted an open world exploration, but now I see I don't have a system in place for it. How do you navigate the world for friendship?

I don't leave anything to chance, which is why I always try to come up with a a system I can replicate.

The thing is, it's hard to know people's personality before you actually meet them. You see something on paper, but you don't know how it is in person.

I think the problem is, I have too many rules. I don't have many rules for my friend, but I have a lot for myself. There are far too many things I will never let myself participate.

It's really, really, really impossible for me to rewrite principles.

And that's for a normal friend. I haven't even begun w/ good friend, best friend, even allies- those I have high standards for and I'm not in a hurry to tell you anytime soon. Those are the people you truly do stuff with.

I'm always glad to see people who have standard. It's just, more often than not they don't deserve it. If you are your only judge, you can't be unbiased. And you can't know yourself. Like the person I'm thinking of now, who has the personality of a wrinkled paper towel, thought he should have high standards. He will not find what he looks for his whole life.

I know what I know, but I really don't think of myself. I don't really have a subjective opion of myself, whether I'm good, bad, smart or retarded. I know what other people's assessment is, I know what God will have me do, and that's it. If I have to pick, often as a reaction, I often think less of me. It's safer. I wouldn't risk letting my ego get in the way.

Other people don't have such a fear of themselves, that's what I observed. All the trouble they perceive come from outside- the government, their workplace, some random asshole, etc, etc. Which can be true at the same time, but you can simply be dealing with only half of the problem if you can take the ego out of it.

It is what it is, diary.