Thursday, August 31, 2017

Landing a spot on Yahoo

So this is what it feels like to have your company mentioned as an industry leader on Yahoo. I still don't know the cost of a 10 outlets media buy, but it's interesting I guess.

Yeah, a whole lot of front page info is Press Release mixed with news. When that happens you know it's a media buy (most of the times PR shouldn't generate immediate impact). Got it.

Anyway. How embarrassing is it that I got chocolate on my mechanical keyboard. I got it out, but I shall be careful from now.

I look more and more like a faggot every day  :(

No. No Diary. I won't be.

Let's see. It's automatic. Makes sense.

It bothers me. I can't stop thinking if I have a dick how hard I would be. You don't get wet when something good happens. It doesn't just happen. I wish I'd know what it feels like to be hard. How affirming that would be, y'know.

I'm over it.

Gibraltar on my Dashboard .

know what i'm sayin .

weather appreciation day

It is cooler. I don't know if it means season change, but it's appreciated. Look... feel how cool it is. Yes. Summer is over. The suffering and worrying of summer has ended.

Though I have to say. Summer's made a hero, so others were having a better time. They were productive.

Fall is my favorite season, and winter is my season. Soon. Diary. Soon. Now.

I cannot wait to cover my whole body with clothes, and see other people do that as well.

Oh by the way if you are wondering how I feel about burka, fuck that shit.

Not that kind of cover.

Anyway. I'm grateful for this.

Every day I try to look at things from a new angle.


OH GOD YES!!!!!!!!!!


  rules & impulse v. deliberation everytim

Look at the Creatures of Africa .

  LOOK   .      

I find Africa fascinating

I have been learning about it for a year now. It's fascinating me more and more.


The central piece of the world, the magical land... where dream is ...

play ball 1 - 2 - 1

I don't need any more faggoty home improvement items.


Diary, my head is going to explode.

funny ( cruel ) yet useless thought

H'what if all the rain I been praying for turned out to be Harvey............

I know it's not, it's just so funny.

It's not even funny, but just in my diary.

keep crying

when you feel a movie is pandering to you... it's not.

A hero is born.

You could say the story is trite, but because the person who made it, and the angle it is told... I'm totally sold.

It also has to do with the mercenary dream.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

S o l d i e r s o f E u r o p e

I have always been fascinated with elite squad. In fifth grade or something, I strapped plastic strings around my leg pretending they're tactical ropes.

What I don't get is how can someone who rarely venture outside of the house can become a member of the elite squad. I told you this, but it's worth mentioning again the anecdote from that time. Ever since Wol.... HOLY SHIT!!! I just figured it out. Holy God. Oh Lord. I just!! I just figured out my 12-yo friend's alias! How dumb am I!! After more than a decade!!! HOLY GOD!!!!

Her alias was Wolfna bc the novel she introduced me was titled Wolf Pack! I thought it was a novel name but it didn't occur to me it has to do with the novel! I can't make the simplest connection sometimes.

Oh Wow. I doubt myself, man.

OK. Oh wow. I thought it was something completely different. Oh Wow.


So ever since she introduced me to the novel, we'd been planning on to join the mercenary together. That's just a concept, "mercenary". We didn't pick which company to join, we just thought if we were good enough we'd be able to become "mercenary".

And you know, the funny thing is, we were dead last in our PE class. I end up finishing with everybody because I ran a whole lap less than everybody and by the end they'd caught up. You have to wonder how can people like this dream to join the mercenary.

I guess it was not about feasibility as a child. It was just dreams.  Today I learned I am still fascinated with them, and a little shred of myself still somehow thinks I can become a mercenary. I then looked down on my boobs and I knew there is no way this would work. Even a little displacement with the straps make me uncomfortable. You are supposed to roll around in mud naked no problem.

That's obscene... sorry.

Yeah. I know some men are jealous of the "easy life" women have. It would seem easy from their perspective. I can only see the things I must miss out. If you're born delicate, you can't simply "rough it out". Every time I rough it out, people call me out on my bullshit. "Are you crazy?" They say. "Go be a lady!" They say.

And they're right. Even if I could survive the element, there is no way in the history of humanity, past or future, that it'd be OK, from a tactical standpoint, for a woman to roll around in mud naked. It's just not going to work. Many skills can't be mastered. Say I'm into metallurgy, you know, I actually am, say I want to become a metal smith. You can never take all your clothes off when it gets too hot, even if you are alone. Imagine that. It can't work that way.

It's not just about nudity. Strength, menstrual cycle, I feel like all this has been common sense, but for some reason it's brought back to discussion. I don't know who's insisting "absolute equality", it's insane it took off in the first place. Why are we even talking about this?

I mean, I am talking about this. I am kind of bitter that I can't try a number of things, and me fantasizing about being able to do them has nothing to do with feminism or anything. I guess I was just trying to say if someone were to insist all this is possible they're crazy.

You know I received my WOLL pan today. I could barely lift it. This is someone who wants to become special ops man. I have to use both my hands and rest a bit after. I can still clean the dish no problem, I'm just telling you that thing is really fucking heavy.

I'm allowed to keep that dream, you know. I can still fantasize about this. Like can you imagine me on a field? Me in the bushes with the night vision lenses? And someone comes along and I just fucking shoot him? I'm not ashamed that I have a mini sniper day dream at least once a day. I mean, just a fleeting thought. A flashing imagery. Even in day dream it often happens in school. Some dumb terrorists just walks in from the front gate, I'm usually on floor 2 or 3, and I always magically have a sniper rifle, and I would follow the good ol' rule to shoot and run and change places. And I always finish the fantasy with me on the rooftop, actually me running a little while with an RPG on my shoulder, and firing it on the rooftop with a smirk on my face and it blows up the enemy's van, which is parked in the front yard of the school.

Now that I've said it out loud I should prolly create a new one, and frankly I'm a little embarrased. How the hell does that still take place in school?

No no.

Oh I almost forgot again, something I want to tell you.

Maybe all Gale Encyclopedias aren't so bad. Yeah, I've read 2 bad ones. I stopped when I found the garden herb one I told you about, but this Encyclopedia of Philosophy, I think it might be alright. I still don't like the organization, it doesn't make sense, but you can tell this is a more competent team and there is effort put into it. And at least they kept the bulk of the older version so I'll learn something. And it's obvious to you why I need to read it. Obviously.

You know I just found another reason why feminism is indispensible in this day and age. In the intro they mentioned there haven't been many new schools of thought lately, like in the last half century. At first I was dismayed, I was like fuck off. Then I thought about it. They're right. They're right, you know. There really haven't been many new schools of thought. And hilariously, feminism and the philosophy of love and sex are some of the only new ones, the others being "applied ethics"- they filed AI under that? - & then some. Then it makes sense. It's, it's like an empire in need of an heir. If that heir is born late, and ugly, and incompetent, and generally useless, they'll have to embrace it anyway.

You don't want people walking around saying they haven't had any new thought in the past 40 years. They don't want it. So they have to cling on to it, because it's new.

I mean, yeah, of course it's new. And this as a discpline of course does have its merit. Nobody really has heard a woman's voice on these particular issues before. They were non-issues back then, not discussed.

I guess my proble is I don't see a good outcome. Discussion in this case can't bring so much progress. You can ask a linguist how fucked are we. It really is too late. It really is a dystopian study. Some feminists today seem reckless, but that's not totally incomprehensible when you look at how hopeless the case they're fighting against is. The sort of understanding the egalitarians try to achieve is not mutual, but sort of universal, and that is a problem. It means instead of merely trying to understand one another, both sides try to achieve dominance and bring a conclusion everyone should agree on. It's not about accepting our differences but bringing one side to defeat. This not only doesn't seem productive but it's just, it also seems detrimental.

I don't know. It isn't a zero sum game, you don't gain something because you lose the others. I honestly don't believe the universe works that way because for a great number of people the sum is never zero, they're huge positives or negatives. Even the inbetweeners don't have a zero sum. It just doesn't work that way.

I can never bring myself to buy fake flowers, can you?


I actually will remember the harsh finance lesson I learned last night - forever. I must try to act accordingly.

Human Diversification

I actually remembered I shouldn't criticize GRRM for the TV ... and I actually remembered rating the book 5/5. I didn't leave any word which is rare and makes it highly suspect. I have to read another one to be sure. But I do remember this conflicted opinion I had about it. This 5 is DEFINITELY not like Ouroboros 5.

Anyway, I spent 3 (!!!!!!!!!) hrs familiarizing w/ ... and I should memorize them, too - some arguments.

And earlier today I was thinking with all the information the kids are exposed to today, what problems will the newer generations face. I'm not talking about "just information"- I'm talking about since now, easier than ever, a teen could've traveled the world when they're still, you know, a teen. It used to be a life goal and only a few could ever accomplish it.

Kids are more mature in so many ways nowadays... or I mean, they're supposed to be. Member I talked about choosing a political side? Other stuff as well. I wonder if there will be an un-insignificant number of... say, young 20s who have gone through three divorces. That would be crazy. But kids do learn that fast. They will learn all about managing portfolios in school. They will gain so much by iterating quickly. They learn from their mistakes each time, but each mistake is made early. Nothing - no critical information is off-limit to them. So the center point of my problem is, what if a kid generally experienced "life" before they turn 30?

Highly possible, right? I feel like I already understand what that is like. But only they can fully comprehend it - since they will experience it first hand. So many of them.

They will become more critical, no doubt. But where will they search for new meanings?

Why am I suddenly worrying for the future generations?

I guess it was just a thought. But it is also a very interesting problem.

The thing is, although I don't work with kids, at all, I feel like from the things I read -  I mean, if they done extraordinary shit, I be seeing them on paperz, right? Yet from what I've seen or heard, there aren't many. Yeah, there are some app developers, but however lucrative, that never screamed street cred to me. I just mean cred.

I mean. Where can I observe the general trend here? Should I check the general increase of SAT scores in the population? I mean that's not even a good reflection of...

I'm assuming, right, I'm only assuming kids are becoming that way because it's inevitable that various instruments for self improvement and wonderful experiences will be made available for them. I'm trying to grasp what unique problems this maturity brings.

It's pretty crazy if you think about it. Where have the kids gone? I can't even observe the kids even though we are living in the same society. I honestly don't know what can give me a good idea.

If they are still doing beer tally, I'm sure there is a reputable report on this floating somewhere. Never looked it up, but if kid problems truly interest me that much, I'll find it some other day.

But then it also occurred to me, you know, there is no need to be so curious about it. Think, what other kids in human history were like this? Royalty. Yeah, old royalties. They traveled to lands near and far, had all sorts of amenities, learned with masters, understood politics, etc. The new kids will simply be like them. Now I don't know if they can get more entitled - I feel as if we have peaked in this generation - but they're going to share some problems. I actually haven't researched Old Royalty Problems either, but somehow I know they're not as special as one might think.

I mean, the apple tart is OK. I don't know why I thought it's "apple pie", no. God there is so much cinnamon in apple pie. That's why I like apple tart, it has no cinnamonz. No good person would add cinnamon in food.

What does nutmeg taste like?

Yeah, diary. So, that's it.

I'm sorry I got too good a rest last night. If I go to bed now I can't sleep.

You know, this "profiling" - I call it - it's a generalization process with a background quantifier. I would say that. Yeah.

OMG I lost so much hair today btw. I was pulling my hair out again. I don't want to do it again. My poor hair! I treat myself so badly :(

So this "profiling" I call it - actually I am a little tired - plus why do I do anything, right? To get a better understanding of the world is why. I always say generalization is a dangerous thing - it's a dangerous, delicate job. It never means omissing exclusions, in fact you have to keep those in mind all the time. But it's necessary to do a thorough job with as much data as you can coherently align.

I know the Data Scientists prolly have some jargons for how to optimize this shit, but I'm certain I know it better than most of them. That's a bold statement, but I can back it. Plus, it varies a lot in their industry how much they organically sort the data. Context analyzing is WEAK.

Analysts. Whatever the fuck they're called. There aren't enough of them in as many fields. And NOT JUST FOR BUSINESS INSIGHT.

Do you know how badly a transition from a pure acadamic background to a pure business setting back to an academic setting- a more rigorous one- is?

It's fucking hard.

But, I've spared all the feelz I have for today. And tomorrow.

You know, I also wondered what is next when people don't trust any media anymore. Think back on wartimes, WW1 censorships can cut off information about the Spanish Flu, isn't that as big of a war crime depriving people time to prepare for it? Now, news sites turned into content farms n people don't trust them. That's a bit unnerving, isn't it? Yeah sure you can still check nat geo and the like from time to time, but this is kind of a huge deal. When media starts losing its power, even I have to wonder where to turn to next.

I have many concerns, diary, but I admit none of them deserves me pulling my hair out. Now that's a bad habit.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

narrative is weak

The narrative is not strong enough to back up the fascination  . 

dead host


  0  1


Inaction is a sin, right ?

Philosophy 1

Can Philosophy exist outside of any context - any specific event?

Yet all of it is judging one thing with the knowledge of something else. Even if the conclusions are the same, they're different because they are bound by the case.

Diary, amirite?

If you can't even face your innermost desires when you are all alone . . .

then you're not human, obviously

Monday, August 28, 2017



For the first time, I'm afraid of it.


I have to break out of this.

I have to not let myself be restrained in this!

I can't like something because it's familiar. I can't keep going back to it. It's... a spell. A spell I put on me. I can't. I can't I can't I can't.

What kind of

What kind of creature am I?


Estrella is OK. It's the least worst beer I've had. I still don't like beer, but if you force me with a gun to pick one that is the best from the ones I've tasted, I say Estrella.

I got my honeypot today which is why I'm less grumpy.


No budget, no fite


Sorry, I was out of it last night.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

People have nothing to say

Oh yeah, 9 times out of 10, myself included- people have nothing to say. Talking is a social gesture, it's not meant for intellectual development of any kind.

As you can tell I'm a pretty asocial person.

And I was just thinking the other day, you know, the college I went to - typical American college - charges $3200 per class, or per credit, or something like that. I had to calculate it at one point because by the end of freshman year I decided it's overpriced and I'd like to graduate early. And ever since I sat in class I would think vehemently: "this fucking class isn't worth $3200. Are you fucking kidding me? This isn't worth $3200. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!"

The curious thing is I have never said "fuck" once out loud in my entire life. I don't think I'm capable. But yeah, diary. That's what I thought sitting in classes. I thought about how bad I was getting fucked by this deal. I felt like they stabbed me and I was bleeding uncontrollably.

This is with scholarship, by the way. Without that I have no doubt I would drop out within a year.

I fucking hate bad deals. There are nothing but bad deals sometimes.

What class can possibly be worth over $1000? Nada. None! Holy FUCK.

Not Harvard, not MIT, not Yale, not fucking Caltech is worth that kind of price. It's not about affordability, it's the principle of the thing.


People have nothing to say. When I saw the vacant look on some of my professors' face, I... you could tell, you could tell they crammed for the lecture as much as some of the students crammed for the test. I felt scammed so bad. If they could hire sub par faculty with nothing to say at a school with this reputation, then prayer isn't going to help the rest.

And to think, they would lure students to seminars with "pizzas" and "cookies". I always felt embarrassed for them. As if the scholars alone don't have enough merit to attract these students.

I felt sick every day.

It's all so backward, you know.

Anyway. If people have nothing to say when you pay them, you bet they SURE AS FUCK don't have anything to say for free. Every time someone says "hi" to me I want to slap them across the face. I never done it, I'm too much of a lady irl. Lately I can't reconcile that fact with how violent my thoughts have always been. I'm afraid that one day I'm walking on the street, if someone approaches me and starts chatting up, I'll grab them by their collar and give them a fair warning they'll never forget.

I'll never do it, of course. Because despite my patience running low since I was a teen, I still got remarkable self-restraint. Plus, I don't want to ever give up the advantage of looking civil. It's a slippery slope, if I let it happen once time sure it'll happen again. No. I'll just walk away.

I came close the once in Seattle. I told you about that, right? Fuck that place. You think it's full of computer nerds, a placid paradise, but there are a surprising number of crass bald-headed cunts living there.

Yeah thanks diary, I'm calmer now.

So GoT finale is tomorrow, and I can't wait for the disappointment. The first moment I have both of the facts that there are 3 dragons and a night king who can turn people, I knew a dragon is going to be turned. It's really a fairly small sandbox. I'm guessing one of the other dragons is going to die fighting the ice dragon? Anyway, that was the most anti-climax moment. The whole idea of the white walkers is really unimaginative and out of place. They're supposed to be Westeros' biggest threat yet they have such a weirdly laughable presence even now. Oh Good Lord.

At least 20 minutes of future espisodes, a whole fuckton of time, is going to be dedicated to Dany looking at the ice dragon all perplexed. Her eyebrows are going to go like this /  \  like this )  \  like this  ~  ~  like this @#$&*%#)^@*&()#@*^_@^*)_  and her eyes are going to stay like this  O  O

E  M  O  T  I  O  N  S

"How do I make it more realistic?"

-  asked GRRM, and answered himself  -

"Oh hell yeah! I'll add 'shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker & tits'!"

Maybe not literally, but everyone can take a page from Georgie's playbook.

It's sad, it's really sad.  It's really really really sad.

I have said enough "fuck" ever since I became unhinged, does that make it more realistic to you? Of course not. Who is perpetrating all these false ideas?

Do you remember the poems I wrote when I was 14? Good times, eh? I didn't know what I was talking about.

I'm definitely more real than I was back then. I don't know if you can see it as a tradeoff.

I'm more honest with my thoughts and feelings ... on the other hand, I have lost my critical willpower and patience. In the grand scheme of things, I don't know... I guess you can almost certainly say what I lost is more precious than what I gained.

But this is about living as a human. I don't know if that fundamentally contradicts with living as God's Faithful. In late years, I began to feel it's important to live as a human and to understand humanity. Because if you're born as a human, shouldn't you understand it?

Shouldn't you understand what humanity is all about? Or is that not important?

Diary, look...

Ever since I talked about how mom justified the majority with the sheer entity, a thought has been coming back to me... so what if it's right? You know?

If principles are not universal, or perhaps it's two principles I didn't differentiate- while it's true that the majority's decision might not be right among humans, but the norm is right in the universe?

And us as the aberration needs to be eradicated?

Everybody praises life. With life, we can think about what is right. Without life, we can be right. - That is, if only if it is true. Right?

People as a species has one goal, that is to fight for its continuation. Right? No matter what.

And nothing else matters. And in that, perhaps they all use a different set of principles, and it would be right for their purpose.

They can't care about the "grand scheme of things", as in for the universe.

Small scale game. Big scale game.

Small stake game... Big stake game.

I won't give in to staring

I had to change my living room arrangement again this afternoon- for the last time. I live in a densely populated area and the people across the street look out all the time. Old folks, supremely old folks. They look at everything with their mouths half open.

Younger folks living above them. I already have my blinds half down most of the time, but today I decided- fuck it.

I will not sacrifice my light for gawking. Fuck them. I've got my tactical plant placement, and as for the young folks above across the street, I don't fucking care anymore. Look, all you people do is look.

I fucking HATE to be looked at.

I fucking HATE to be talked to.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I don't care. I don't care anymore.

This is MY life. Look all you want you dumb cunts.

That said I'm surprised and worried that one of the trees seems to be dying. The Dragon Tree is all well and good- God I love dragon trees. Look how it thrives under my care. I also wonder if tree can tell who's your favorite. It's clear that the Dragon Tree is mine. But this plant that's dying- there is no reason to be. I water it, what else does it want? And I don't know what could be its replacement, it's the exact kind of tree I want for that spot. As for the composition pot, of which the orchid and thorny flower had already died and been removed- I'll prolly get a vase and fresh flower for that. You know, fresh off of the stem.

Anyhow, I need 2 plants there to block out the view that's directly cast toward me. Fuck.

Hope you can tell I'm angry.

If you don't -

I had a long dream last night. I can't piece it together now, but the lesson is burnt in my head:

Don't be greedy. Don't be gluttonous. I remember trying to spell "gluttonous" in my sleep. It's hard.

Something grave went down.

roasting fire . . 


Louis C.K. 2017 is not funny...

There is no one like Georgie :(

RIP Georgie

Saturday, August 26, 2017

a t

there is a thing, I don't remember it

On Chaos

Violence or any catastrophe doesn't change what people want, point blank. I only learned it recently.

Therefore it's useless to stir up chaos for the sake of itself.



so why are there helicopters hovering again?

Oh I dreamt meeting some old minor school enemies in a multi-level supermarket last night... this morning. Two. It don't matter.

Oh I looked it up. It's a anti-terror march. Apparently it ends right here. And King Felipe VI is here. They say he is "the first modern Spanish monarch to take part in a demonstration"? Hot damn. Should I go see the King? It's prolly too crowded. I'll look at some helicopters tho.

Oh it's too late. I just put my shirt on and I hear people. I open the window and see people passing by. Kids are playing football. It's over.

Oh well. I might as well take this opportunity to address terrorism. You might think I'm taking this lightly. I'm not taking it lightly, it's just I think terrorism is exceptionally retarded. I know I use that word a lot but hear me out.

Terrorism, right, it's a great, powerful political tool, but that's it. It has no power or meaning outside of the political sphere. When it's a famine, it's a famine. When it's a massacre, it's a massacre. I don't think all insurgent, extreme acts fall under terrorism, not to mention they're often reactionary. Terrorism is really at its core a political activity. I have never had too much interest in political activities... oh wait, that's not true. There was a period of time not too long ago where I was mighty devoted in...

But not now, and my idea of terrorism never changed. Terrorism stirs a lot of terror in a lot of people's heart, which is a political effect. Talking about casualty, amp up safety instruction for drivers or promoting healthy lifestyle will make a much bigger change.

A lot of people are devoted to pure political activities these days, especially kids. That's one thing I was glad JA identified & mentioned in the interview. I was just saying today how none of us, me & my friends - were all that political when we were teens. In comparison, today's kids are prolly already having to choose between "libtard" or "cucks". I don't mean it's a bad thing though. For 100 000 who mindlessly follow whatever, there's bound to be at least 0.1 who can see for what it is. Some independent thinking. Holy hell, that's like 300 people in the US alone! How nice.

Seriously though. It's a trend that's bound to happen, like feminism, because the society is becoming more stable. People get more comfortable, things are shifting. The feminization of men and independence of women are transparently and irreversibly leading to equality  people have been chanting for the past sixty years. I hope they don't call it communism when the productivity reaches a point where all talentless retards can live happily as their most original self. It's just societal evolution.

But you know, it also occurs to me that there are people who take advantage of terrorism- those are the ones with real malice because they have no goal,  and therefore their action is not a means to any end. They simply love chaos but leech onto others to accomplish it a small dose at a time, which is truly pathetic & condemnable. Those don't come in the equation. They are shortsightedly hateful indeed. Yeah, I hate a person without a purpose more than anything.

Oh I just opened the jar of mango and it's starchy. Oh My God.  I'll stick to fresh fruit from now on.

I looked up yield ratio once more but I realized it don't matter at this point. I have to get it fresh. And the color of the salad. I had no worm today (prolly bc I washed it) but maybe I made too quick a decision.

I'm sorry for what I said about summer, too. Where would mango grow without summer? "Frost-free" it says.   OK.

I'm going to lie down for a bit.

kill-a-cunt foundation

I killed the dumb cunt. I was sleeping, damn thing took 2 bites on my right hand.  Nothing lives after taking 2 bites on my RIGHT hand!!!!  You fucking cunt!

I fucking HATE mosquitoes and summer in general.  I want to go somewhere so cold & dark & rainy & snowy & yet I'm here.  Why!?

it don't rain

It's the end of August.  No rain is in sight.  It's never going to rain, is it?

Somewhere on this earth, someone is pining for sunshine.  I know that.

Which is a more common/frequent occurrence:  sunshine or rainfall?  Snow counts too.

I hope I'm not an idiot.

I must go to Madrid or Pamplona to play with snow this winter.  Oh Lord.  I'm sorry for my tardiness, my impulse, there is very little of it remaining, Oh.  Let me see a heavy rain, I beg you.

creative kansas

  I'm exhaus-t-e-d..

Dwight Little

It's been a looooooooooooong time but I watched Anacondas the hunt for blood orchid today again.

Tonight. Yeah.

I don't know how the movie stands in today's market, but it remains one of the most impressive horror filmz to me. Can't go by everything on IMDB score, you know.

It's a film. Not "just a good ol horror film", but it's got its msg, philosophy, memorable characters and stuff, a whole package. That was considered such a norm back in the day but you don't see them anymore. All the Marvel / DC bullshit films. I mean even if Dwight Little likes those, I think it's shit.

There are so many memorable scenes from this movie. They did so much and they were so clever. Don't let anyone tell you the FX is bad because of budget. Yeah the snake isn't hyper-realistic, but the shots in the waters - damn.

And you know, by clever I mean in a well written, coherent day, not "witty" bantering we see hippies do in today's films.

Take Jurassic World for comparison. How lazy it is. What a snoozefest. Kids can't get a scratch and have to talk about family drama. Family drama from beginning to end. Nobody went to the cinema to see family drama in Jurassic World. (and with no resolution, it's just time filler, how sad)

People are so fat and relaxed.

Anacondas stuck to everything that is important, the main story. Time is important. We focus on the adventure, that's it.

Oh well. It's the flow of human history.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Jagged Delay

God doesn't want me to play this game no more.

It's OK.

Ungrateful Mosquito

Mosquito(es) take one or two bites out of me every day, and I never see it bring me present. Does nothing around the house cept waiting to bite me.  How ungrateful.


I can't pinpoint what's unnerving me. Do I sound like a deranged person?

Isn't it crazy that after a quarter of a century, I still haven't found a way to resolve stress?

We all maintain our library. Everybody maintains some sort of library.

Think about how many libraries are out there.

There is another mosquito here.  I can't find it.

Why am I stressed?  I'm better than an hour ago.

It's not panic.  It's stress.

I did have a good burst of productivity, if you can call it that.


I'm fine now  &  I'm going to bed.

One last thing.  Look at this

and tell me if it isn't weird. After coming to a new continent for 1 year, the woman found a job as a housekeeper n stayed on the very same spot for 19 years. She literally made no progress.  That is a dangerous message to send.  And people are eating it up.  It can't be either heartwarming or inspiring.

Top comment says it humanizes help, OH WTF. They're people!  You don't need note, education, anything, to know that!  Oh what a crock of shit.

Oh it's so weird.  I seen the decline of humanity.

I can't even look at some of the things people praise nowadays.

Unnerving Weirdness

I'm suddenly sensing unnerving weirdness... stress. I'm suddenly very stressed. I have not been this stressed in a long time.

Fuck, what is it?

Thursday, August 24, 2017


you know, for the longest time I've been making strawberry smoothie cuz "it's the only way to go".

But today I discovered that just fruit is so much better. The color is more vibrant than it is in the pic. But look at it.

Restaurants serve smoothie cuz of "economy" reason. You can get as much (in foam) with a bit of milk and 1/3 fruit. But the taste of just strawberries, oh so good. This red is so appetizing.

Appetite has crept up to be one of my top problems, which is embarrassing. Oh yeah, watching a sea of cool delicious red juice coming at me, into my infinite black hole that is my mouth... oh yeah.

Fig jam isn't so much a success. I didn't use enough sugar. I didn't think it was possible, but for that amount, yeah... I'll still have to finish it somehow.

I coupled it with Carrefour's rubber cheese today, talk about regret. Where do I get good cheese around here. It's an interesting question because it should be hella easy. I'll find it. I gave Carrefour 1 chance and I won't go there again.

It's just I grow up hearing stories about food waste and I can never bring myself to do it. I have to finish all the damn cheese I got. It's sad.

D T 2

I can appreciate the sun sometimes, too, cause I see color and stuff.


It turns out people were posting about DT 3 years ago.

Why do they do this

fucking liar

I don't trust the weather report anymore.

It always says it's going to rain &  it never does.


"Software review"

Grammarly is inferior to Microsoft Word spell checker.

That's it.

When you think about it, the technology behind MS spell checker is more expensive, naturally. Get Office & don't bother with other "add-ons."   They have a better team.

Oh Daemon Tools has done fuck up

It can't load MDF now & bundles with malware. That's really dumb.

No chainsaw character I guess.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

terror from nap

fucking chicken gave me nightmare from a nap


Cooking is work.

The only thing that feels like work is cooking. I'm done with organic food. There is a worm in the salad... ( so there are worms in salad ) , the chicken's got more feather than usual.

I got the mix, I put the wings and drumsticks in the bag, I shake it, so far so good. Then I rememberd they say it's good to put it in the fridge for a few hours. As I opened the fridge door I said to myself "fuck it - I'm not waiting around for the damn chicken to do whatever." So I fried it right away. Oh God it took so long. It took so damn long for the skin to be crispy. I keep thinking how I should just go to KFC from now. I don't know why I got a frying pot. I shouldn't. What else am I going to fry when frying takes so long.

I got the fried chicken and as usual it doesn't taste very good. I dip them in hot sauce so they're at least edible. Then I spent half time eating and the other half plucking thin feathers/hair that was still attached to the skin. All the while wishing I never bought any of it in the first place.

And last step, cleaning. There is so much oil. I had to clean the sink again. I have to take the trash out soon cause chicken bones are trouble. It's just. The heat, the oil, the skin, the feather... I just... no more.

I'm honestly exhausted. I really don't want to cook anymore. It's so bad. It's work, it's SUCH work. All the time I just hoped "please be over, please soon be over"...

I can't cook, diary. It's not worth it to go this length to feed myself.

I don't know what is it that I can eat. I don't...

God I don't want to cook anymore. It's hard, the food isn't tasty, and the cleanup.

It's so miserable.

I'm so tired.

Forgot Title

Colon Cancer

Fake Radio

A Fake Song


I dreamed school again last night. It's an extremely sexy woman, brunette, w/ long flowing curly hair, black leather outfit with sheer black stockings to match- teaching a philosophy class. There was a cognitive hierarchy, but I challenged it because I don't think Crowd or General necessarily ranks above one another. I don't remember exactly what my reasoning was. It probably never made sense because it was in a dream anyway.

Anyway, she was not happy. And suddenly it hit me, expensive private schools are expensive not because they offer more intellectual advancement, but because of comfort. People want to feel... "know" they're right.

If "wrong" doesn't have an opposite, are you still OK with being wrong all the time?

It's not a choice, but a matter of acceptance.

It was a dream. Don't dwell on it anymore.

Formulaic Paradise

Remember to wash your salad.

I'm green, I'm red, I'm yellow, I'm brown. I'm none of the things they think I am, I am everything they think I'm not.

Happy worms.  Solve it.

Alivzr mnliz;  yet  adthz  mnfl.

I've learned about Stalingrad and Divisions. This long... prolonged excursion is finally over.  I took a hard look at my own system ,  and I de-escalate a few things.  Still in process .

Number & Sand.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

A Call

I had a call with mom earlier today. I learned she is still disappointed in me. I had to dig it out of her for my own joy and pain, that she still thinks she would rather have a normal child to begin with. I asked if she had a choice, what would she choose... and she said she would be happier with the 99%, and not the 1%. She kept justifying everything with the 99%. The 99% must be right about everything because it's the 99% that are doing it.

She always loathed what I have and pitied what I don't have. She sees that I'm missing out on a lot... I don't. I don't want it.

Diary, it's hurtful only bc it's my mom.  My mom won't get it. She doesn't approve precisely because of what I have that others don't. I don't understand. She would prefer if I did worse for myself. How can I possibly understand it?

I don't understand how something must be right just because most people are doing it. Yet it is a belief so unshakable to her.

I haven't turned out like either of my parents, diary. Where... when did I lose the family resemblance?

Where do I see them in myself?


I'm lost.

She sees my fate as a misfortune.

It's the only thing I have, diary.

It's true. I don't have a fortune. But I have fate.

I have God. It's guiding me.

I don't have anything else. I don't have confusion.

I don't go through life with most people's desires or fears.

There is so little that I do have.

I have a fate, and a drive to fulfill it. Any material I gain along the way I don't see ownership.

I don't have anything else.

I don't need... I don't even want anything else.

Isn't it enough that the 99% have what they have? Why do I have to have it, too?

Oh mom. I understand your pity now. What's top 1% is the bottom 1% in your eyes. That's OK.

You want me to be happy, it's just I don't see the happiness you have in mind.

How do you communicate that?

Maybe she is better off with an ordinary kid. Maybe indeed 99% of people are better off with an ordinary kid?

But what do I care? I'm here. I'm not even that different.

It's a small step people don't want to take. It's a fine line people don't want to cross. I crossed it when I was little. So, it is.

They say faith is an intangible thing. Even Good Faith, I mean.

Tangible things...

Are you sorry, diary?

Am I sorry?

Who are we responsible for?

Whose pride or regret are we?

My legs are heavy & here's why

First of all, let me just say I am aware this is one of the most faggoty, whiny posts I can make.

I hurt the left side of my body by sleeping last night. Remember the duvet I got for winter? It's too hot for summer, so I got a new one. It's supposed to be cooler. It's heavy as fuck. I'm telling you. It's like sleeping with another human. It's that heavy. It's there and I can't even move past it. When it covers me it feels like a hundred pounds is crashing down on me. I wake up feeling more tired than before. The left side of my body literally hurts and I almost see stars. It's fucking huge. I selected "for 135cm bed" but it's fucking huge and drapes all over the place. Dear lord. I'm switching back to my duvet tonight. I tried blanket, I tried towels, fuck me. This isn't going to work. That's a heavy comforter, I'm telling you.

At least my duvet is silk.

Yeah. Another thing is it's been sunny every day. It depresses the shit out of me. God I can't imagine going through the rest of my life where it's sunny every day. It's depressing. It's so depressing. I can't. I always think it's supposed to rain in summer. I've been waiting for the downpour in summer. I'm listening to Silent Hill: Downpour OST.

I wish, I wish it could get cloudy even. Good Lord. Please. Please... please save me. Please let me see a rainy day. I live for rain. Please, please make it rain. I can't bear how sunny it is. It tortures my heart. No... I'm so tired.

I stayed up till 7 last... this morning. I think, it might be because secretly I don't want to see the sun anymore.

It's hard to assess my energy level.

It's a thing, you know. I finally figured it out. You want to be in your element. There is such a misconception about going "out of your comfort zone". It's not like that. I should transcend, yes. I should challenge myself, always. But when you know your likes and don't-likes, when you know your element, it's just foolish to step out of it.

I have to become hardened about my choices. I know it, you know it, I just need to adhere to it.


La Revue When Google Met Wikileaks Redux


Julian "Master Shit-Stirrer" Assange is one of the most articulate living figures I have ever come across. His thoughts are lucid and easy to follow. I would remember all the examples he used in the interview, the pyramid of censorship, Stanford in the 70s, simulated annealing etc. What more can you ask for in a deep & wide conversation?

While JA is answering all the questions with (mostly) well reasoned words, Eric Schmidt is busy looking like an arrogant retard. I can't believe that at the time of the interview, ES :

1. Does not understand Tor
2. Does not understand magnet links
3. Does not understand bitcoin

The arrogant part is subtle such as telling JA to run his 20-people empire while commanding, what, 10,000 people himself?

Does this guy even know what blockchain is? Holy Hell. This alone is enough to convince me that Google is wayyy past its former self. Seriously how the hell do they put someone like that in charge of the world's largest technology company- not to mention, Jared Cohen, a policy wonk at the helm of Google Ideas (now Jigsaw)?

Google/Alphabet no longer has sympathy for the young people who are willing to bend or break rules for what they perceive as justice. The company itself has aged like a person and no longer appreciates progress. What I can't stand the most is they would even go so far as to make some of the technically inclined yet independent people into "cyber-terrorists", equating some of coding bootcamps to terrorist training cells. It's not the malice it's the retardation.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A CODING BOOTCAMP THAT IS A CYBER-TERRORIST TRAINING CELL! It's like they are insinuating that terrorists use special terrorism programming language. Everybody uses the same programming languages you retard! A terrorist can use what he learned in college/by himself/from any legit channel to jailbreak all sorts of shit! What defines a terrorist is not the technology he possesses but the intention! In which case the computer part of the computer camp does not matter! As if there isn't already a lack of people who want to learn codes, the world's biggest technology company has to spread discouraging message like this.

JA amplified warnings of the "empire state of mind" and Google's desire to gain political power - from collaboration to collusion. However, none of that is surprising if you look at how Google Maps started off from Keyhole, a state's surveillance product. As Google deviates from the Californian startup culture, there are many others who don't aspire to become the central power's accomplice. But this is a main point of the book and I get it.

This book gives you a very good idea of the values behind WikiLeaks, its underlying technical philosophies, etc. but perhaps more importantly, and it's a tad disturbing for me- JA's personal "temperance". Yeah, he would use that word.

Now, Eric Schmidt may be a tad ignorant at the time of interview, but what he lacks in knowledge he made up in well-founded paranoia. When they asked what if technology will enable mass manufacturing and distribution of misinformation- a very legitimate concern if you ask me- Julian Assange simply attributed triumph of the truth to goodness in humanity. Essentially, that's what it is. The interviewers thought some kids are bad, Julian Assange said nah, they are good and want to prove it. This strong faith in humanity is NOT what I expected at all. Then he went off a little unhinged, saying he doesn't necessarily care about a battle with casualties as long as everybody fought with bullets of truth. Pretty vivid, eh? And then I recalled earlier he observed that lies usually led people to war. And he magically concludes that if that's the case, then truth might lead people to peace.

Think about it. There is no actual logic in the last statement. He's certainly trying, with WikiLeaks, but a whole bunch of stuff in there contradicts itself.

So I'm glad he published the whole transcript. JA as a person definitely deserve some of the criticism, and paranoia, like I said he's a master shit-stirrer- but none of the criticism and paranoia prescribed by ES & Co.

Anyway it is a really an enlightening read. Just... one... more... thing.

Les femmes dans la littérature

The greatest move LS made was to spill water on the laptop.

The Catalan woman.

It's so embarrassing. God it's so embarrasing.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Ryu Hayabusa Syndrome

Recall the 3D clips we discussed before.

I coin this the  Ryu Hayabusa Syndrome.

Let's get it out of the way

Diary, you might as well know:

XCALIBUR: LORDS OF SEX is my favorite porno. I have a fantasy where I'm fucked by a knight in full armor & during the whole time he growls "Deus Vult!"

I can't fathom a way to make it happen which is why I'm asexual. Nobody is really asexual. All my fantasies are pretty unrealistic, at least this one involves an actual human being (versus a character). I would be so pissed if they took off their helmet even.

Did you notice - >  any guy can instantly become so hot when they wear a medieval helmet? Like an attractive face isn't more attractive than a helmet.

I have long realized I have a problem with human body - I don't want to see it. Maybe I have seen too much in workshops. All those days at the art museum... a whole summer I saw naked men, women every day. I have had enough. Who would know it would kill my joy? Everybody else seems to be doing fine though, maybe it's just not that.

It just really irks me when people take their clothes off. Like I can't wait for the Fall, Winter. Early Spring even. Just not summer. God, please keep your clothes on.

Like although I'm not attracted to anyone irl, it would be appropriate to say when I see Calvin Klein underwear models, I should fantasize about what they look like fully clothed. Of course I haven't done it, because I'm not attracted to that. But, that's the idea.

I would even make love to a full set of armor only. I'd rather do that than a naked person. God I don't want to see people naked.

I was at the beach today and I looked at the people in swimsuits and I was just like: "Why? Why? You are pointless." Nobody has a perfect body. Most's are far from that. But a pair of gauntlets... oh dear, the perfect shape, grip, feel... It just grosses me out seeing flesh move. The crease on their back. Oh ew GROSS. How their facial features give away their inner struggle. I can find nobody who gets it.

You know, when I went out today, I had planned to wear my favorite little jacket with my Vince Camuto black skirt. It shows respect to the dead, and selfishly, I have had enough of summer clothes. But then I looked out the window and I'm reminded that people don't like clothes. Well to be fair it is still hot. Anyway, wearing something that touches your knees and elbows will actually make you stand out. So I fought it off and went out with a t & a pair of shorts again.

But anyway. The thought of Xcalibur made me wonder if I can make some sort of arrangement happen. The thing is, I think it's a good principle to not to pay for sex. Especially for a woman, that's like, beyond unnecessary, at least seemingly. I don't even need to ask, my species will look down on me if I did. And I actually know a bunch of HEMA-ish people, I just mean HEMA & more, but I doubt anyone will agree to keep the full armor on the whole time including helmet. But why should I buy a full set of armor, not for myself, and I don't get to wear it? And then what, hire a gigolo?  LMAO please.

I could, if I want it really badly, buy a full set of armor and install a motor in it myself. And I would dry hump that thing. The length I would go to fulfill at least 1 sex fantasy... I don't know. So far it doesn't look like it's worth the trouble. Oh dear, the wonderful ideas I have...

Why is it that I always play the Cleric in Dark Souls? Such are the topics I'm inspired to make at 4AM right before bed. Yes diary, I suppose "in a perfect world",  I'm a cleric/apostle who fucks knights/crusaders.

None of that is remotely close irl...  OH WAIT WAIT! Yes, yes I'm a man of the cloth, so to speak! I am God's Faithful Forever. Oh Wow Yes. At least that part is true.


I figured I have to be there to think about life and death. Death is still there, you know.

I walked the walk today. I seen candles, white roses, red roses, notes and people. I was hoping to connect. I was hoping to feel something. I was hoping to grasp the effect of the deaths, their impact on the world, and so on.

I wouldn't be able to admit it to anyone, but I'll let you know- I couldn't.

People are signing their names on the tiles on the ground, they surrounded where the van stopped, where the Miro tile painting was. I smelled incense.

But everybody had to move on.

And for the rest of the city, indeed life carried on. I can't, I don't- the families and friends must be grieving quietly. For everybody else- there is a life to be had.

I stopped at the dock, then I went to the beach. I stared into the horizon, watching ships and planes coming and going. I saw the waves. And all the time I was trying, trying... I tried so hard, diary.

I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. How can I feel sad for something when I don't understand its impact on the world?

I could've seen the bodies. I didn't hear screeching, but I saw people running from my windows. Say I went out soon after, they wouldn't have cleared the bodies.  Do I have to see bodies to...

that's morbid. which is why I didn't go out.

There were some people taking pictures today. That feels a tad morbid, too.

But nothing is as morbid as the unstoppable rhythm of life, ever-flowing, ever-fading, ever-creating, ever-diminishing. What is "morbid" anymore?

I don't...

I opened Leffe. I wonder if people who drink beer have never been sick. Have they never tasted medicine? This is what medicine tastes like. I'm so sorry I have 4 more. I will never purchase beer again. Fortified wine and champaign. That's it. Life was OK before I had beer.


Diary, life is weird.

I just... you know?

I used to think it's "normal" to not get certain things when things aren't happening. But when things are happening, I'll be able to get it. I don't.

I just... don't.

Did they say... who said it?

It is said that smell is most linked to our memory.

Why? I had a lot of familiar smells at the beach. Not only the ocean, but also the meat on grills and whatnot. And sand. And certain perfumes.

I just... I just don't know.

Diary, I think about a lot of things every day. There are so many things I am certain about.  But I still have so many questions. I still think the only way to live is to find out. & the only meaning in life is to know.

I need to know.

I need to know . . .

I really want to know, diary. I really want to know.

I really really really really really want to know.

Yet I don't know.

Do I sound crazy, diary?

I know I'm not.

I can't sound crazy to others- I won't sound crazy to others. But do I sound crazy right now?


Oh dear God diary. I don't... I never had time to tell you all that is on my mind.

Oh diary..................

Dear God Diary... I.......

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Utter break-down of games

When you "see through" all gameplays as light finger activity and know the "experience" is just as good in Let's Play videos, you kind of abandon games already. There is nothing you need to do. After all these years I finally begin to understand the popularity of gameplay videos. But not even that. I still don't find any meaning in streaming or gameplay footage in general. Cutscene movies alone will do it.

I would never see this coming. All games losing meaning...?  This is too grand.

Friday, August 18, 2017

take a walk

I just don't have an appetite today.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Watertown 2.0

Did it just reset my whole system?

Anyway. Yet again close to the scene. I believe it's helicopters I hear. Every time it makes me think.

Makes you think, too . 

When in bed . .

When in bed, fuck.

No no, I jest. The whole sex thing, it's not my choice. I'd like to fuck very much, I have sexual fantasies every day. It's just I can't seem to find any living human being I'm attracted to. As the last time we discussed it, my fantasies evaporate as soon as I see real people.

This is quite interesting, and a torture.

100 %    not what I wanted to talk to you about in the day .

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

People are FAT & Vacant

  how'd they manage dat

Why is Italy so great

Why does Italy have great art, great food and great clothes

it's not fair

why is it so good

cognitive dissonance

if you hold two or more contradicting beliefs or values...


Tuesday, August 15, 2017


Diary, you still don't know me.

Monday, August 14, 2017

bitter soup

I never liked beer in the first place. I'm just compelled to try them "until I find one I can stand" like all the other people. I opened a can of San Miguel, it's awful. All beer is awful. But I know of beer bread and stuff. I was going to make soup, oh I'm so sorry, heat up soup- store bought soup- today. So I poured the rest of the can into the soup, thereby ruining

1. the soup

2. the beer

3. the meatballs I hand rolled with spices

The... soup... is... bitter.

I want to cry. Who drinks bitter soup?

It's like punishment. My cooking is my punishment! Oh God Why.  No... no no... why.

I can ruin things by putting two and two together. One and one together, sorry.

Oh I am so sorry. This is the best suffering isn't it. You want this?  I don't want it.

The zumosol juices, they are more expensive but bitter also. It has rind in it!

Bitterness... bitterness...


Why has lime water this buttery taste  ?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

barrio tranquilo

y methinks I'm too tired. How, the, fuck, is it 4AM again.

Saturday, August 12, 2017


One of my favorite filmmakers and I are from the same region! Not city but close enough.   It's a real shocker.   I consider him to be one of the best, truly.

Maybe you don't think there is a connection at all, but it's, it's kind of  & @ the same time not at all like being proud of your country's football team. It's just of all those places, here?  Oh wow.   I  don't know. I'm glad.

no duck, says "?"

The entire reason I'm ordering from Carrefour is because they have duck breast and legs. Muscovy variety. And  then they told me it all ran out. So I ended up with all the stuff I don't really care about.

Glad I didn't order too much cake. It's meh. Guess I'll have to hit the actual market from now on. It's good, getting it fresh. I should do that.

Summer is interesting cause, just like winter, member that story I told you at least a thousand times? Let me tell it one last time. When I went to college in this town that apparently snowed a lot in winter, I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. I got a very thick coat but I wore it in like late fall. So like not too long after school started. And I told myself this just won't do it, I have to wait till the worst freeze to wear it. So I tucked it away and roughed it out like all the other kids, wearing a 3/4 capri at one point. And I was waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And the leaves are gone. The grasses are dead. I don't know if they're dead but, listen! just listen. And snow fell even. And the wind blew with much gusto. And still I told myself "the coldest time isn't here yet."

We had fucking blizzard one time and I was wearing a pair of summer jeans there and then. That's how stupid I was as a freshman.

And one day, walking up the hills, I just, I just saw little green buds coming out of the ground. And suddenly I realized the snow was melting. Only then it hit me- the coldest month was over several months ago.

It's like that, diary. They keep telling me how hot it can get around here, so I told myself: don't gorge ice cream until the worst heat has come. And I scarfed all M bars and Häagen-Dazs varieties in like May. Or April. Then I told myself the same thing. Don't do it again until the worst days, or else you ain't goin make it.

Annnnd it has passed. It's totally chill now. Not like "chill" chill, but I don't need to turn on air conditioning ever again until next year. So. I don't know.

You think, that, being an animal, I'd be able to detect this kind of stuff. Seasons. Temperature changing. I should be able to sense the ice caps melting, damn it. Yet I don't know the weather if I'm staring at a live forecast. Every time I go out I'm surprised by how the weather is, cuz it's never how I imagined at home. I just...

I can't eat duck, I can only assume that I'm not meant to cook duck anytime soon, and I'm late on ice cream binge, I just...

you know h'what , I'm fine with it. I'm fine. It's a non-issue. I'm sorry I even talked about it. Whatever.

Yeah ima tell you a real exciting one next.


I don't think it's a unique experience anymore, but I do think that leading a double life gave me valuable perspective on both sides. I reflect upon it sometimes.

I've had online stalkers who greeted me day and night, sent me unsolicited nudes and stuff. And I've had snarky ones who opened the line with they don't want to have sex with me even though they saw that I was asexual. I've really come to appreciate a man's position. See, the thing is, me being a girl isn't at all remarkable, it's just the typical stuff. The only valuable insight is me as a man.

I suddenly realized if I were a man, I would have to deal with that shit irl. It is really tough. What's interesting is, most women are like fairy creatures, they are kind and have a good heart. But they have these fantasy and pressure that compel them to behave in such retarded ways. They really don't know how to interact with people, both men and women, after all these years. I keep hearing how women like to work with people, but as far as my observation goes, they are not really good at it. They contradict themselves constantly and make too much assumption, because they simply can't be bothered to learn.

Men have true malice, yet they're equipped with the tools to get away with it.

Every time a girl has a retarded conversation with me, I think about how horrifying would it be if I were a man, having to date such a thing. What's more tragic, being a woman or having to date one? I think I'd rather put up with myself. I can't imagine walking around every day being attracted to flesh shapes that are utterly devoid of reason.

They say women are self hating creatures. Maybe, if you are rating on intelligence. But I can't remember how many times I thought it should be based on intention. Even kicking and screaming, and not making any sense, a woman wants the best for the world and the best for others. There is always hope, forgiveness and gratitude in her heart. So we can't call them self hating. She hates that everything is not perfect and she doesn't have whatever she wants, she may feel inferior but she doesn't really hate herself. And she may be jealous but she doesn't hate others. Fundamentally, women are creatures of love.

Now I've said this hundreds of times,  I don't believe in love.

I'm just marveling at how, despite all this, all the rejection and harshness a woman can throw that a man has to endure. They don't have any other way because they are attracted to these vacant shells. And they deserve to suffer such insipid souls because they are pure evil.

How lucky am I that I have a choice.

PLN 10

Got Poland trip booked. What's interesting is despite my strong resistance to budget airline, Ryanair has the best time... If I go with Lufthansa I have to suffer transfer both ways and the timing, it's just bad. Same for all other airlines. Ryanair doesn't have the perfect timing, I have to spend one extra night in Warsaw, but I'm OK with that.

I'm taking care on this matter.

A few years ago, I hardly knew anything about Poland. Now, in the past several months, I learned a lot about it... quick. It is a special place. If countries are people, Poland has some of the best stories. Best as in... you know what I mean.

I find it curious, yeah, I'm curious about it. I feel like it's a place where you can experience by just being there. You don't have to build stuff on top of that. Walk around its streets and observe its people... as if that's enough to give you a good idea of its character and past.

I could be wrong. Anyways.

There are some reports on Europeans hating tourists, well, mass tourism, to be precise- lately. Where I used to live... my second hometown receives great influx of tourists each year, too. But I'm always excited. Yes, their culture is radically different, but they came because they appreciate our land. I can never hate on tourists, diary. Though I'm not the loud kind, I just feel like the rowdy ones need defending, too.

Can you believe my neighbor is still fucking at 4AM? Here I am trying to write a cultural entry in my diary, and it's been... oh wow, it's been 2 hours. 2 hours of moaning, I didn't realize. He really fucked her good.

I was going to read up on our old pal Octavian, yes still absent from recent plays. But I thought the literature would be good. Now I'm just rethinking staying up. I wouldn't have heard any of this had I gone to bed early.

Oh, and an early delivery tomorrow. You know, I've been to enough bakeries around here to not be able to spot the difference- store bought bread is just as good. Carrefour cakes, let's try them.

And I'm thinking about "reviving"... no sorry, more like starting my channel. The ASG doc may be blown out of proportion but it's good material. I can distill the truth. That and MK (1st) now deleted from Archive G, that online record is the only one left.


Friday, August 11, 2017

" spaghetti arms"

I keep seeing this but I don't really get the characterization. OK well yeah perhaps like... OK.

Oh I ruined sardines today. No surprise there. Glad fish supply is low now. Just a big chunk of swordfish left. I'm telling you, every time I get swordfish is bc it has "Sword" in it.

Oh wow. I don't know what can save my cooking skills.

I am not bad tuna fish

Oh GOD. I notice this all the time. Don't get the wrong idea. I shoved tuna fish down my own throat because 1, I was starving and I had no time nor was in any mood to cook again &  2.I don't like wasting food & 3. I wanted to savor my spectacular failure.

But the other shoving is a whole different story.

How to ruin tuna fish

You do not need to know how to ruin tuna fish, you just need to know it's done by me.

I mean. I don't know how tuna fish can taste so bad. It took me 6 hours to eat. I literally took a bite, left it, went to work, came back & ate it bit by bit while listening to sad music. LOL. It's so pathetic, isn't it? I listened to this emotional song and I felt like crying, but part of me just knew I wanted to cry because how bad the tuna fish is.

I don't know what to do, diary. It tastes like bland steak. No, it's actually not meaty. If I have ever had aged tree bark that had been sitting in the water, that must be it. I don't... I can't. I just can't.

Why is this happening   : (

Can't a girl cook?


I ordered some Irish beer cheese today.

Why is it that good people and things have so little following? Good actors have ~4000 followers on Twitter. Good brands (those that have websites) have their sites ranked at 1-2m+ globally. They are good. They are making good stuff for the world to enjoy. They're talented, they take care, and their stuff is choice. It's so obvious. I, I don't get it. WHY?

Ofc I always talk about the good ones whenever I can but. I just don't get it. Why do good people and brands don't have a huge following?

They're literally like so thoughtful and so good.  This bums the fuck out of me.  I vow to not be like them.  I will shove myself down the masses' throat. It is simply unjust. This is interfering with my hardly stable faith in humanity.

Whose land is the best

What is on the horizon?

Wednesday, August 9, 2017


every time  i see bacon i see bitcoin      

Opinion 2

How glad am I that my teenage years are not recorded on the web. I mean, I've heard many people express this belief.

It's fine for teenagers to have cringey opinions, it's only normal cause they don't know about stuff. But, but you give them all these mediums and they go crazy. They can't even go back and delete what they said years later cause internet. The best they can hope for is falling out of relevance, which is most likely. But I can't help but imagine this nagging trauma at the back of their head, causing them to go through the rest of their days with such burden.

They'll get over it eventually, of course. But I just don't feel like contradicting their opinions, or look at them even. It's hard.

The world really don't need so many opinions. There are already too many of them. Like... you know?  Even opinions made by the "bestest" peoples aren't all that...

When is anybody right about anything? Good God. So many things are just... are just... there is no...

God Diary. I... yeah.

I didn't know you could ruin pizza

I know what you are thinking :  " Can pizza be ruined?"

Yes, the same thing went through my head. And yes, apparently it can by none other than yours truly.

I have these wild notions about cooking .


People irl

I'm reminded that comic book characters exist irl. Not superheroes but characters that look squeezed, elongated, warped in any way for comedy effect.  It's hilarious. OMG

It's alive!

When I tell a wild story...

 I always crack myself up.



Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Police Chef

I saw "police chief" and read "police chef", I'm like what kind of chef is that?

They arrest the onion before cutting it in half?

Diary ..

I understand a lot of things now.  It's sad that I understand them, but I do.

Leave it be.  Leave it be ?           

Wrong quote

It has to stop

What a naughty name

seeing this

I believe

I believe narcissism is different from megalomania

(they keep conflating the 2)


Cry, baby, cry. I almost ruined a brand new thing today. It's going to scar me for life.

I try to be careful but my life is filled with irony right now. It's too much.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Bad system

It's 4, no 5am.

I created a bad system, diary, with effort. Now I have been correcting that system for the past 6-10 hours I don't even remember. Almost done.

Yeah, I know. It's always more expensive to fix things. Oh my time, my time!

Let it be a lesson. Alphabetical categorization is the last tier. Everything before must be proper context from Great down.

I feel dumb I really do. Oh. How could I have made a mistake like this? Oh dear. It's so stupid.

Oh I hear the clock striking from the big church...

Oh diary. It is such a stupid mistake. I'm so sorry.

Why can't I get it right the first time?

Oh Dear God. I mean.

Good night.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Little Ears

God blood dripped on the floor! I'm sorry. Day 2.

Do you have any idea how fast my hair grew in the past 2 months? It took more than 4 months to reach my shoulders (barely) and bam! Now it's this long. My bun is touching the seat on my back, WTF. Can't very easily lie down now, can I.

Aw diary, today I learned people care about me. People I knew from long, long time ago, think when I was 3. Are they just saying or do they actually care? It wouldn't make sense. Anyway, that's nice.

I read the retarded Googler manifesto also. It's just, it's just retarded. There is not a second word to describe it. Ugh. Clearly a well-rounded education is not important anymore these days. How long do we have to play these made up games?

Saturday, August 5, 2017

F E A R M O N G E R L V 1



Culture Export & Proper Frenchman

Today I was treated as a proper Frenchman. I have come through.

Thank you.

I'm humble, diary. There is still much about other countries' culture I have yet to learn.

But, at the same time, well earlier actually, I was thinking, does any country export culture these days even? I mean, "new culture". I feel like we're just learning the old stuff over and over again. Even pop culture don't offer anything new, unless you count the internet phenomena, which are growing sadder by the minute.

Culture export. Everything is tried and tired.

It's time for -


In my heart I first and always knew Czech as a Central European country. I still think that. But starting today I'm going to call it an Eastern European country, especially in front of Czechs.

One thing I've learned: I really am not fond of unfounded egos.

Homoerotic Kujo Jotaro X Josuke Higashikata? X Tom of Finland

You are telling me that's not Jotaro?

Holy shit, the resemblance is so...


COINCIDENCE. SUCH COINCIDENCE???????????????????????????




nothing just wanna

Friday, August 4, 2017


There is a big ass mosquito in my home, but I don't think the blood-sucker is going to leave because I got my period today.

This is such a problem.

pee on the wall

Did you see that? It's like the dog's bladder exploded on the wall.

I know a heat wave is coming to Europe this weekend. Weather report says it's already up to 33C, or was it 34C today.  Now is the time I'm glad I live on the shady side of the building.

Heat waves. What do you expect

The right use for PP

this is it, right?

Getting to know them

Maybe I don't want to. It often spoils the accomplishment

You know you like their humor, but you already kind of know they are a misogynist. You know you like their writing, then there is some other secret you don't want to believe. You have already seen the best of them, why find out about the rest? Let it be. Just let it be. They're OK with it, why aren't you?

Of course I am. I totally am. It's how God would've wanted it.

Sweet Irish

I'm never saying I like/dislike a group of people based on one experience. It's the sum and percentage.

I honestly like 100% of Irish people I interacted with. Funny good bastards.

About 90% from Canada.

About 80% from UK.

About 70% from Australia.

About 60% from India.

About 50% from Italy.

About 40% from Spain.

About 30% from Middle East.

About 20% from other Asian countries ( but they have the biggest number)

The rest I don't know that well on a personal level

You should really make lists like this every once in a while so you know where you stand.

Now out of all these people, I only find the Irish endearing. It's a special term for me.

aw yeah

Holy shit I forgot the US. LMAO I forgot about the US!!!!! LOL let's leave it at that

Frozen in time

I didn't know opening the window at night will also open up to the stream of...

I just want to say I just realized something. You heard about the villages  "frozen in time "? I don't want to live there. Not just that, I don't want to live in the past. Even if the past is an idyllic picture inaccurately portrayed by those people. I don't want to stay there every day. Things are not changing. I just realized this for the first time that I don't want to repeat the same day, perfect or bleak, over and over again.

This is HUGE. It's chilling. In the past I often fantasized about those days in various variations. Now I know what's wrong with the fantasy. A piece of my world is collapsing, and I have to fix it.


Why is it that 12 kinds of Colgate toothpaste are on sale except for the one I use? Literally every other one. I gotta wonder,

1. is it because it already has a low margin?
2. is it a separate "line" that's handled differently? It's not just another flavor, true, but huh?
3. ???

I'm OK I'm just wondering why it is. Why? Literally every other...

Is it the best selling one so it didn't need to be... no everybody buys M bars in summer and it has sales all these months. So maybe it's actually sold less?

Why? Why isn't this on sale?

Their prices vary for about 30 cents. 30 cents fluctuation. That's not telling.

I don't get it. It's so intriguing.

If I can't figure it out I must be an idiot.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Soft sheep tumbling on the meadow



 I didn't know Bassols is such an old company. that's so cool. You should be able to tell holding a 200TC Bassols vs Bassetti. Of course Yves Delorme has a special place in my heart.

I dreamed a previous dream last night. Let's move on.

What's with this logic

What's with this logic, diary? I'm too grossed out to want to date anyone but let's say it's for friendship,

They get to know you from elsewhere and find you satisfactory for a friend, AND THEN THEY COME UP TO YOU AND SAY!!!!!!!

LET'S GO OUT!!!!!!

WHAT!!!!!!!!! THE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T KNOW THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't... I can't... I JUST CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's crazy, diary. It's always men. Oh Good Lord I wish, I wish I can bring myself to actually fuck a woman and thereby declare myself a lesbian. I can't. I just know I can't even like any man now. They... most of them are either tame and boring or dumb and loud and they all think unjustifiably highly of themselves.  Oh my God. When a woman likes someone out of her league, which happens all the time, she retains her humility. Yeah she might use all sorts of trickery, but she offers herself to him, or her. She's prepared to make all sort of sacrifice, which is not at all necessary most of the time. But she does it because she has humility. Yeah she might get his house, might get her husband/lover to buy her stuff, but she knows their difference. She knows she didn't make that money. She might enjoy it all she wants but she's not so delusional to think that SHE MADE THAT MONEY or she's as good as making money as him.

But a man, oh, it happens all the time, too. If a woman is hot, he thinks he has a chance with her. Because she's hot and that's all that matters. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW HE LOOKS. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. Mr. no talent Shoeface has the nerve to strike up a conversation with just about anyone. Holy FUCKING HELL. It makes me instantly incensed. Like they are the picker. Like everyone is free for them to choose. Oh Good Lord. Like it wouldn't hurt to try. These men have no decency.

They always assume women are stupid, always wants to teach them a lesson... an actual lesson, not the kind I was planning.

It's true, countless women have married beneath them. Whether they fell for lies or did so willingly, it's none of my business. What's my business is the raging retards that have the nerve to assume I want to associate with them. I have presented my true colors as well as I could within the boundary of politeness. I know men can't take a hint, but I really tried my best. It should really be conveyed that I am an arrogant, selfish, conceited, selective, unfriendly, determined person with a cruel sense of humor. It should really be established. So I don't get why these lowly dogs have the nerve to think I am the sort of person who wants to hang out with them while not knowing them at all. Do they not have jobs? Have they forgotten all about the qualification process?

I know how this sounds diary but I am beyond insulted. I am never stepping outside of my circle ever again. Holy hell. It's a disgusting world out there. Life is short, and I want to spend it with the worthy ones. I'm not taking chances on "undiscovered gems", NEVER.

Again it comes down to how not to be seen by inferior people. It is hard. How to keep people who trash Monet from seeing more Monet? Maybe it's inevitable.

I have critics, too. Honest opinions don't offend me. Meaningless opinions do. Uneducated ones too, in that sometimes I offend myself. But anyways. It's so repulsive. What's embarrassing is it's so outrageous that I just go blank- I can't think of a proper, harsh enough rejection on the spot.

Nobody can be friends with everybody, you know. Every time I run into such characters -  not critics, just horrifically unaware people- it's so traumatic. It pains me that they don't respect other people's time and independence and individuality. They must think they're the protagonist of the world and others are NPC.

I don't know why people lost their awareness these days. I am aware of who I am and project it carefully. I display my arrogance with tact, but it won't fend off obtuse retards who approach me anyway. It's too disgusting.

Yeah, awareness. Sorry I wasted a bunch of words.

I mean, why is it so hard for people to be decent? Anyone can be decent. No matter who they are, there is no need to make others uncomfortable. There is no need to be unpleasant. I bet it never occurs to them. What kind of creature are they? Do they really not sense the difference? When they are in a mall, and see a flatscreen TV for $2000, and they have $10, do they think they can walk away with it? It, it just baffles me. Like they see the price tag, but they think just because they like the TV...

Oops accidentally objectified myself.

Anyways diary, it is what it is. I guess I should be "glad"? since I'm ranting because it doesn't happen often. It means my tactic is working. I bet other girls are harassed a lot more.

Away with these condescending yet smarmy pests. When someone talented is arrogant, it's sexy. When someone mediocre is arrogant, it's downright disgusting. It's really that simple. Same goes for rich/poor. Yeah, have welfare, make livable wage, enjoy life, I'll vote for your welfare, I'll vote for your happiness, but fucking take your life OVER THERE AND DON'T LOOK AT ME.

fucked up yo

Ah I don't know what to say.

I went through all the notes on my phones today. When I took the note, I had the idea to sort them at least months later. That was the right decision to make. I have taken some ultra ridiculous notes. I just... huh? I don't know how I had some of those notions. I'm glad I waited.

It didn't take too long, I guess. About 20 notes in 3 hours. I'm glad I have waited.

I cooked the Montsia bomba rice today. I now know for sure that the best rice is in Asia. You can easily get rice so delicious for so cheap, I mean it is so delicious that you can just eat it by itself. Rice over rice. 10/10. But this bomba rice tastes bland.


OMG if rice can taste bland with Indian curry I don't know what to say.

I cooked too much it seems. I might have used nearly 100g of rice.

Anyway. I'm not perfect, diary. I mean, I'm so far from perfect. Some things I've written just 2 years ago, up till 2 months ago, are just... I... oh.

It is all folly. Really, diary. All folly. Foolish foolhardy folly.

I'm not cool. I'm just tired.  So very tired when it has barely started.  

It will be done.

I wish God will talk to me again. My mind is cluttered with all this... it's not important.

How are people different from clones already?

But still, disappointment in others I can handle, in myself I can't.