Friday, June 30, 2017
I just lost all hope in this country now. Once upon a time I considered retreating to one of those Canary Islands. It is not God's Intention!
It's one thing to be proud of your language, but it's a completely another when you are utterly incapable of speaking anything else! How can anyone call it a developed country when its people can't keep up with the global standard! Why should I be able to speak Spanish fluently yet no one can hold a conversation in English? If you know English well but choose to speak Spanish, that's fine, that's the pride I was talking about. But in places where it's needed, these people just fucking CAN'T. Holy Hell.
You know nothing aggravates me more than waiting, right? I've told you so many times. I can get through a few years, I know I can. But just like when I was in school, being fed up is my biggest personal, unholy motivation. I am moved to make miracle happen. I can't deal with the phone call I just had anymore. These people... they talk all the time yet can't take the time to learn the most basic of the most useful language. I can't.
I appreciate their language - I do, which is why I learned it. But they have no interest in the world. And they aren't really expecting the world to adapt to them. They just don't interact with the world in any way. I'd thought the best and the brightest may be in the metropolis, I was wrong. They really must have left the country.
But the thing is. The Brits often say the best have left the country (only this I know is false), the Swiss say the same thing, the Canadians, too. The Spaniards, the Italians... not to mention in the East, everyone pretty much says the same thing. But where have they gone? There isn't one unique place to contain them all. They aren't all going to one place. So some of them found their place where it could not contain others.
The distinction is when some say "left" they mean go and come back, whereas others say "left" and mean gone for good.
Still it hit me. With the mass scale societal degradation- that looks like progress only because it is advertised so - you know what I mean! Diary! You know how Greatness is made! With all these failures, there is only disappointment waiting for them. All of them. All of us. I still dread visiting UK. I know some of the glorious institutions there have already fallen out of shape, out of public favor, besmirched, unable to support and attract talent... I know ingenious legacies are ruined every year. Just like endangered animals! I'm not mad about this little thing I had today. The world might become a Utopian Hellhole.
It might be more urgent to find similar-minded people than I thought before. This wasn't just a frustrating call, it was also a wake-up call.
I am angry, but I won't say anymore.
I went out, and stopped right before I got there, realizing it's noon again. I turned back. Good decision.
I slept for 10 hours last night because I was drained in the day.
Nevertheless. I'm here now.
I had a good dream last night. In my dream, I went home from airport in a self-driving car. I totally experienced being in a self-driving car, man. It was totally fast. At one point I worried if it's going to crash, but that worry soon went away. That is about to become reality, right? But the car's battery ran out 9-10 miles from home, where it's all dark and rural, I think it's near a village or something, and I had to go to one of the stores with light on and try to charge it there.
I suddenly miss snow very much. I come from a ... my second hometown is a seaside city with four seasons very pronounced. I didn't think I could do with anything less. This isn't necessarily less, I suppose, but where is the season? When it snows near the ocean, it's just so beautiful. The snow just swept through the shore, shook the trees, covered them, and dissolved into the cold, cold and dark sea once it touches its surface. The same depth seemed so much deeper now, as if it harbored a secret. And it just extends... where the horizon is, it's as if there is always mist, and you can feel that mist shrouding you from far, far away...
I went to Barceloneta that day. I walked north all the way to where the road got scraggy. Not only is it bare but there's a fuckton of nets for volleyball games. A fuckton of people were playing volleyball. One must find a place far away to take a nice stroll along the beach.
It's sunny here every day. It's like the first time I went to Seattle. I stayed for two months, and it rained 0 days. It's supposed to be a rainy season. It didn't rain at all. I had no luck in that city. It's the only time that I got stolen (in Belltown, in the lobby of my hotel, possibly by hotel staff), and the only time I got harassed/provoked on the street. I distinctly remember this 6-foot-pussy watching and was too afraid to help. I didn't need help, but it's fucking infuriating to see an onlooker casting a timid guilty look every few seconds this way. I didn't handle them very well, as I was leaving the city. I really should've done differently. A lot of good things happened in that city, well I guess a mountain isn't a happening. But the way around the ocean, Rainier and El Gaucho were great. Inaugural hackthon or techfest or whatever at Facebook was great. The first VC I'd ever met was great. The lawyer on the island was great. Fuck the thief (thieves) and the 6-foot-pussyman and the bald raging retard with a bike harassing me in the street.
I don't know why I feel like telling you all this after all this time. Oh right. The rain.
Yes, no rain is happening today.
I had second and third dreams. My mom got scammed in the second one and consented blowing up a building. I told her no, but she trusted my aunt who convinced her nothing will happen if you detonate on one floor only. Third dream, she got into some sort of trouble again. I tried helping her both times, but she just wouldn't listen. I would've done this in real life. It was just a dream, I know.
My head hurts sometimes.
June is terrible, don't you think? July is worse. August is the worst. But starting September, it is Fall again. Leaves will begin to die, things will decay- and dissuade the fun-seekers from indulging heightened blind joy. Even children must return to school getting some forced introspection.
I must be patient, and focus on work until then.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
I scared an Arab today, by accident of course. I didn't mean to, I didn't even do anything- besides walking up to him. Only because I had a craving for certain postre. I went all the way across town. I was there to buy from him, to support him. I can't very well control the intensity on my face when I have not been in touch with people for a long time. I guess it can't be helped when I have walked nearly an hour in the heat. Why do I always go out on such bad time?
Rain is canceled tomorrow. Rain is happening where it shouldn't be, the one place it shouldn't be, in a few days.
I was parched I when I got back. I made soup with too much salt.
I read some interesting stories about Swiss people yesterday. There is not much I don't know about the land of Switzerland, but because I don't come in contact with its people, I was interested to know. They don't tell me much about what I would concern myself with, but it did make me think.
I don't know what God wants to do about it. I don't...
Look, all these animals... all our animals... all us animals...
We can easily spend a lifetime contemplating life and death. I don't think about that anymore. If there is eternity, then both are one thing.
What is the way it is meant to be?
God has Mercy. It gives life to the most depraved, faithless, and let live.
How many years has it been?
Diary, there is so much falsehood that people maintain. What should I think after seeing so much falsehood?
If God will allow anything and everything... if anything and everything was permissible from the beginning of time...
I find some facts hard to accept.
I'm extremely tired. I can't finish the soup or throw it away, so I put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I'm also going to clean the windows tomorrow if it doesn't rain.
I'm still me. Diary. I haven't changed... the only part that matters hasn't changed. The fact that I can find peace, and be content no matter what adversary I find myself facing is all because I am still true to myself. But now... I find myself to be only true to myself... and God.
Sometimes I am so amused by my own questions that tears start streaming out of my eyes. Good Lord. I hope I will get a reply to my inquiry.
Of course I ran into the rain and I got back and took a shower.
The rain lasted 10 minutes.
I think that I'm going to allow myself to commit humanly error from time to time, so long it does not affect me being God's Faithful. And I'm going to make peace with my very ordinary human life. Because however high and exciting you can take it, it's still what it is. And I know currently I am living a rather mundane life, apart from God's Work which is totally opposite. It baffles me sometimes how otherworldly undercurrent can flow within me and I am not at all who I appear to be.
But, like I said, I can finally allow myself to be a human in my daily life, and not take the strain everywhere. It's been 6 months, it took longer than I thought, but I found peace in my heart, by which I mean my mind.
Anyways. I don't like it how it seems there are less Godly hours. I wish to say that this is in order to make more quality Godly time. If I can accept myself as an OK-ish human, I can have less confusion about myself and do better work in the hours that matter. I don't know.
I know things are going in the correct direction, just not going at the right pace. I am very worried about that.
I have postponed the short trip for a few days.
I should worry about invitation now, and introduction. I can no longer see people I shouldn't associate with - at my own discretion. That has always been the rule. However I must keep observing all characters that seem interesting to me.
And what worried me beyond everything is that while I can go live on a different plane, others can do it, too. Some of them already have. The problem is they're going to the Lesser Plane. This is very, very troubling. There is no getting them back if they have consented to an unconscious life.
You can never be too careful. Imagine backing up a small file in 10% of the world's computers.
At what point you say to yourself : " I'm ready for it . "
And I also got to thinking about the fate of others. It rarely concerns me the fate of others. In a way, we don't think other people have fate, for me except for the Greats. All Gone. But today I got to thinking about fate of ordinary people. People who are just like me only they are not chosen by God.
It's interesting. Considering Fate is very different from considering welfare. I can debate welfare as well as any intelligent statesman, but when it comes to fate, I must give up on well thought out arguments, because "arguments"- you see, are only a means to circumvent criticism, and while I can use logic and reasoning to facilitate deliberation, there is no one who can solely rely on these artificial instruments. It's very interesting.
I must consider it a bit.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Order and sanity slip so easily. I begin to wonder if it's wrong to go after order.
First dream: a nice SV sitcom.
Second dream: cornered & hunted, was friends with a faithful panther
Third dream: I don't remember
Fourth dream: running a publisher office with 4 employees, two of those NA and DP.
I remember all the names, they're all characters true to their form. I don't care to mention the names now. A day has led to this.
Things slip so easily.
Monday, June 26, 2017
Can I just say some of the boobs I observed are so perky that they look muscular? They look like they could punch someone. There are not a small amount of women who wear strap tops everywhere- how cool of them, and their boobs sit firmly in their tops. I can't do that. I have yet to go out wearing only a tank top. I thought "Oh God, my boobs are like a cow's". A small cow of course, and not drooping or anything, but it's just they're so fucking liquid. They look soft and smooth, and un-exercised, which is only the truth. If I were to expose half of them, it wouldn't make me look healthy or active, it would only make me look lewd. No thanks.
It's sad that this is my first thought this morning looking outside the window. I don't remember the dream last night. Let me give you the list now.
BREAKFAST, SWEETS AND BREAD
chewy toffee and cream sweets
Swiss chocolates case
milk chocolate filled with caramel, biscuit and dark chocolate
Maltesers chocolate balls
Astorga puff pastries with honey
Danish biscuits in a tin
Belvita breakfast biscuits with 5 wholegrain cereals
Hot dog buns with sesame
PACKAGED CHEESE AND CHARCUTERIE
Sliced Iberian bacon
Grated parmesan-reggiano cheese flake
mozzarella for pizza
block of goose foie gras
spider crab paté
sea urchin paté
cream of green olives pâté
sausages with pepper
FRESHLY CUT CHEESE AND CHARCUTERIE
Cooked roast Prague ham
braised turkey breast
boneless aged ham
Holland gouda cheese
edam cheese for sandwich
English orange cheddar cheese
acorn-fed Iberian country chorizo
FRUIT AND VEGETABLES
organic potatoes for boiling
cooked corn on the cob
dried chilli pepper
hot chilli peppers
window cleaner with bioalcohol
transparent protective plasters with antiseptic gauz
Yearling sirloin steak
young bull beef loin
yearling minced meat mix
light single cream for cooking
heavy single cream
whipped light cream spray
fresh whole milk
tocino de cielo
Catalan crème brûlée
Organic mango yogurt
DIET AND NUTRICOSMETICS
organic coconut oil
fresh pizza dough
maxi pizza dough
Ketchup sweetened with honey container 430 ml
Barbecue sauce with honey
garlic and parsley
Valentina very hot sauce
hot curry powder
mild vegetable & greens stock
double stock with extra virgin olive oil
stock for boiling pasta and rice
pumpkin and carrot fondant soup
cream of courgette with cheese
tomato soup with mascarpone
organic white sugar
cockles in brine
squid in its ink
squid in tomato sauce
marinated mussels fried in olive oil
fried marinated mussels
Andalusian mackerel fillets in olive oil
small coast sardines in olive oil
frankfurt style German sausages
premium white asparagus
whole Piquillo peppers
El Bierzo peppers with olive oil
organic garden peas
grated organic beetroot
plain fresh mushroom
balsamic vinegar reduction with spearmint flavouring
Aperol appetizer wine
Processed tuna steaks freshly cut
Swordfish freshly cut to order
Freshly cut Norwegian salmon
anchovies, sardines and fish
steamed mussels in its own juices
Wild king prawns from Madagascar
Processed cod fillet
hake in breadcrumbs
I don't know about you, but I felt sick by the end of it. I wonder how long will it last. One month? Two month? I'm hoping for more. I just realized I still have about half of what I got last time, after all it's only been 2 weeks. I would've never gotten such a selection if I were to do it bit by bit. Like I said, plenty of conservatives and not many perishables. I figured I don't actually need to eat a whole bunch of vegetable to survive. I believe shopping for greens and fruit twice a month is more than enough. And with all this stuff in my pantry, I'll never have to worry about supply running low again. If I got them 1/4 at a time, I'll consume at the rate of X. Now because I am worry-free, I consume at, I don't know, 3/4X. Good right?
Don't know how the store will react to this monster order. Or how the delivery man will react when I open the door. Just as normal, probably.
When people are nervous, anxious or down, they tend to eat a lot, or nothing at all. But because I have that safety in my head now, it cancels out the negative responses, and I'll be eating as normal.
What is the watermelon meat to peel ratio? Hold on a sec. Oh they call it yield, and it's about 40%. So I got a 7KG watermelon and I ate it in two days. I ate the bigger half yesterday and I could not stop going to the toilet. I did not drink a drop of water, yet the water intake apparently still exceeded my daily need, yet that of which is significantly lower than what "the doctors say". It's about 1.4 liters converted, and I suspect I need no more than 1 liter / day unless I'm out for a very long time.
Another thing is- I was too tired when I wrote the entry in bed last night - this morning. I noticed something about myself, and what I meant was that- I do not stick to routine. I realized I'm not a doing a bit every day kind of person, or making a little progress every day, whatever you call it. A problem sits on my mind and tortures me until I solve it. In fact I probably very much hate routine- to think that I have to do the same thing repeatedly not seeing result or having closure for a very long time. Now that may sound counterintuive because some things need to be repeatedly done to be effective, but we're not talking about those things. Funny thing is, there is no "result" or "closure" with food other than death, unless it's a craving, which is why I ordered some gourmet. But I just realized I have a history of disrupting my own routine. I figured I'm only wasting my own time having conflicting habits. I like planning, but if I plan for routines the plan will inevitably be foiled. So it becomes plainly clear that I don't actually like routines. I should stop planning for routines.
That of course includes waking up at 6. If I'm making headway at the problem at hand, I should stay up however late as I please. This strikes me as a lack of discipline, but I have to reason out of it. Discipline is nothing if it does not help the Cause, correct? I should stop acting against my own nature which will only hinder the one thing that matters.
So sometimes I'll wake up at 6, sometimes much later than that. God doesn't care if I can adhere to a normal person's schedule.
It occurs to me this is a very simple matter, and I may have made it seem bigger than it is. But diary, this is big. This isn't about grocery at all. It's about me discovering that my life can change drastically. If I don't have a schedule, I could be anywhere at any time doing anything, with no restraint. The thought of having fresh fruit and vegetable go bad has prevented me from going away in the past, however ridiculous that sounds to me now. That principle hasn't changed, but now I don't need to have them there in the first place to hold me back. I get to roam and rise and sleep as I please. Yes, diary. No animal, plant, food or people will hold me back anymore. The trees will be fine for weeks.
It's like a newfound freedom. Sailors don't get Scurvy these days. They can stop at any port whenever they want and get what they need. But the adventure is out there, not trapped in ordinarity of daily life. It's most profoundly unconventional, challenging, rewarding, shocking and worthwhile. I know what I'm chasing, diary. I'm not a servant to this body, it is a servant to me.
Why haven't I talked to you all day? My stamina pushed through again, it's 4 now, no chance of waking up at 6. I have been shopping for grocery online.
If I copy the list this time, well, just know that there are over 120 items.
I finally can no longer justify this anticipation in daily life. Theoretically, if we're past hunger, then we should be past the expectation of being hungry as well. It also has to do with me being poor for half of my life. It taught me good lessons, let me be comfortable in my deprivation, but at the same time imprinted a concept of scarcity in my primal brain. It looks like I may not get rid of it.
Consequently, I worry about what I should eat tomorrow, not because I'm fond of food - quite opposite, I eat so that I don't die, or become so malnourished that it affects my mental functions. But I do worry, for example, what if I need this food, but it isn't here, and every time it happens I must take a very short stroll to a very big marketplace to face numerous choices that will unquestionably meet my needs. Like I said, I can no longer justify the time or the anticipation.
I noticed something about myself, Diary. When things are abundant, I'm not worried. I'm only a part time hypochondriac, you see. My body does not need a lot to function, and it needs even less without the primal worry.
My shopping this time should fill every space in the freezer, and take up most of the space in the fridge and the pantry. I am prepared for every occasion, for every style of cooking I may want to try, and there are plenty of conservatives. I should have my peace of mind forever. Anything I want, it's there. I should no longer worry about food anymore.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
the good thing is I have already developed a habit the second time around. I woke up around 6-ish today even though I'd made an exception for Saturday. Looks like I might be able to wake up at 6 every day now.
But because I have often set aside Saturday as a day off, I am kind of clueless as to what to do this morning. I'm not sure where I can go, besides, my feet hurt a bit from all the walking yesterday and I don't think I can go anywhere far, that's why I decided to sit down and talk to you.
I woke up still talking this morning, my throat was dry, but no sound came out of it. That's what happens usually when I talk in my sleep. The fireworks were fine, they didn't translate into explosions in my dream. But something else has transformed it.
I came across the Over Heaven novel (Dio's Diary) yesterday and I read the 80 chapters summary on Wikia as well as Dio's later fate. First thing reminded me how painful Japanese "light" novels are. But if we're talking about serious literature, Japan is one of the few whose literature actually progressed in the late 20th century. But they're all in the past tense now. They're all junks these days along with everybody else.
It scarred me how Dio collapsed as a character. When I looked it up on the Japanese Amazon store today, I saw that most others are bothered by Dio's fixation on his mother, too. This is all too common in Japanese literature. Light novels aren't even literature to me, but even in literature it's full of this shit. It's all too superficial, I can't take it. I don't know how they put up with it. You should see how Western culture is generally taught and perceived in Asia. A mythical/biblical/Freudian concept is introduced with awe and interpreted badly and it can become something unique because it's the Asians developing it. The vast majority of Asian philosophies in the contemporary age are utterly indefensible and can't stand any critical view at all.
I also watched some Araki interviews and TV appearances earlier this week. It occurred to me I should stop with the JoJo thing altogether. They're only products of humans and suffer the same mediocrity. Dio is no more that.
But my dream was manifested this way. I recalled being brutally beaten by my father in my youth. I always tried to explain to him why it's a bad idea even when he was beating me. I forced myself to stop crying as much as possible and made my voice clear. I always wished to appeal to his reason. I distinctly remember warning him no less than 10 times that "if you keep beating me, it will only hurt you and become your own regret, because I will grow up and not have children, and you will not have posterity." Which is true. But it only dawned on me in my dream that when men want to assert dominance over the weak, it has not to do with reason. Such simple concepts always eluded me. I guess it should've been the first things you learn as a young human- you eat when you are hungry, you don't challenge people stronger than you, you aren't attracted to what appears to be impossible, etc. Only opposite has happened for me.
I mean, can you really believe that I only "learned" you need to eat when hungry as recent as yesterday? Because I wake up early now, I get hungry in the morning, too. So I ate another slice of bread. I am just grasping the concept of breakfast at the age of 25. I am just beginning to understand why people eat 3 meals a day an hour ago. I always managed to get through the day without eating previously in my life. Why not now? I am a larger, older worm, that's why.
Anyway. I was shouting and explaining again in my dream, half to myself and half to others (it was as if others can hear me): there are millions of kids being beaten every day. There aren't enough people to save them, so it doesn't make sense to expect help!
It's true. In this dream, I don't see getting hit as a child as a form of injustice, because it happens to too many of them. I realized I still have a lot of sympathy for children, but maybe sympathy is a wrong word. It's not in my psyche... just an understanding.
I am fine with my parents now. I don't hold a grudge against them. I must treat them as equals. The fact that they gave birth to me, raised me, hit me, scorned me no longer has any effect on my emotion, and I think it's all too normal. In fact, if someone asked, I'll probably skip the part about being brutally beaten, because I don't need their sympathy. I suppose theirs is more heartfelt, but to me it's misguided.
If all humans are reduced to meaningless vendetta against other people's instincts, it'll be a real tragedy.
I've only come thus far this year. I did hold a grudge against my father earlier- mother was sometimes an accomplice and sometimes a savior, but all human beings view a woman a lesser person so I don't feel as strongly. But I have gotten completely over it. I have not thought about it for a very long time, never if it was not for this dream.
What gives me hope is you can be born into a noncaring family in a terrible country as a lesser human being, and attain everything you want by all means.
Someone who can't let go of their childhood, or all previous days to the present, cannot transcend.
Anyway. It so happens that I stumbled upon another blog about an hour ago, hence the title. It truly grossed me out. I am human, too, diary. I can't help that I share things with other people. But when I see that they share the similar manner with me I am still revolted.
Of course there are people who are living in a similar state as me, diary, even though we're vastly different. The ways that set us apart are concrete. But for a split second, if you don't look closely, if you cast your glance at the wrong angle for just a moment, we might look very much alike. I'm sure I have been mistaken for a thousand things. It doesn't bother me, because I don't even know what people see. But just now it occured to me how much I'd hate to be mistaken for a fan of anything, or a game enthusiast.
I want to be very clear, diary. I must tell you this. I am not a geek, I am not a gamer, I don't love art, I don't love food, I don't like music, I don't like to travel, I don't support any cause other than God's Mandate, I don't do anything for a hobby, I don't read books for fun, I am not interested in romance, nor am I crazy about money. All the people who mistook me for being interested in these things are utterly mistaken. I will let them keep their impressions, but just so you know, I am not into any of those things.
I'm listening to FAITH. Though it's been enough times and as this week ends, I should be done with the obsession. I'm getting sufficiently tired.
I had dinner after all. One thick slice of bread- it has olive in it in addition to alcohol, probably date too. Half plate of salad, a bit of fuet.
It's Saint John the Baptist Day, another local holiday. It calls for fireworks.
I think patience is my weakness now. It used to be my strong suit. I need to take some time to reflect on that, but not too long.
I have always hated waiting. As far as mental illness goes, I think I only suffer from this. From time to time I hate my indecision, but now I know it's me being cautious. But waiting is one damage anyone can do to me, and indeed they have been consistently throwing that at me my entire life. I have told you about the call and the doorbell, but those aren't this. They're disruption in life, but waiting, waiting is what makes me lose my cool.
Waiting is truly a terrible thing. I can count with my fingers how many days in my life I have spent not waiting for something. The biggest irony of all is I must spend the whole of my life waiting for The One Thing. That anticipation has been internalized, and I feel no pain over it. But to have inconsequential things forcibly queued in my mind, it's definitely taking a toll on me. Every second I'm not working I go through the priority list - the queue in my head, and I wish all of it is under my control. They're a series of events or actions that impact me or can be done by me. I would like some sort of control, at least.
It is also yet another reason why I want as few things as possible.
I guess I just can't get over that something that used to be my strength has become my weakness. I must learn to overcome it. Not only this, I must not let other people's incompetence affect me. I must first not exhibit anger, then not feel anger when I encounter it.
I don't underestimate people working together, diary. This isn't one of those old stories. This is life.
Though I did realize the other day I had subconsciously fallen for a scheme. A largely harmless scheme, but it proves I am still impressionable in aspects I don't even notice.
Anyway. 0:00 now. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep soundly with all the fireworks going on
Friday, June 23, 2017
I woke up at 6-ish today! It took me longer to get ready than I thought, and the light was blinding at the beach. But I did it, diary! I did it! Holy Hell. I did it!
Morning light gives me luck and courage.
I have figured out why I almost always pass out around noon- it's because I often have my only meal of the day in the evening! Who would've thought!! So! I baked ribs and veggies this noon- proper noon, I tell you, and I am alright as of now! Who knows that feeling is hunger?! Haha!
I bet next time if I go earlier, it'll be even quieter on the street. They were blowing dust and water everywhere this morning, the street cleaners, Good God. I have to wash everything again. I stopped by the Forn and got their signature bread that probably has alcohol in it. I had one slice with my lunch, I'm not sure if I will have a second slice in the evening. Well, this time if I feel lightheaded again I'll know it's because I'm hungry, and I'll know what to do.
And I took care of the 9, diary. I took care of the 9 and it's completely off my mind. God it's great to be able to live from 6! Goodness!
Oh yeah, about the dream. I had a busy dream last night. I felt literally tired- counteracting the effect of sleep- in my dream. So many activities going on. I, Jotaro, and another woman/girl were saving people in a flood. There was someone in particular who was important to save and we tried everything. I ended up getting dehydrated at one point and there is a bed and a nightstand in this dark space and I was reaching for a glass of milk on the night stand. I felt my heart was not alright at one point, I remember curling up and sensing the crush in my chest. I actually woke up barely 6 - before 6, but since the dream was over, I allowed myself a little time to get some rest.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
I almost passed out just now. It's strange. Every day I get 8 hours of sleep (no dream last night), but by noon I am so tired. It is times as this I realize that humans are nothing but worms... strong worms, weak worms, but worms nonetheless.
I want to escape this cycle so bad... my body is a shackle to me.
I'm going to take care of the 9.
... a day has passed ...
I'll finish taking care of the 9 tomorrow.
You can't really dwell on stuff. You must take things for how they're presented, else you don't have the littlest bit of fun. For example, after watching so much JoJo this week it suddenly hit me that there are so many holes in Josuke's ability. For example an object's "complete state" is rather fluidly defined. Josuke restores things to their original state, but the original state is not necessarily the original state. Can he fix a crack in the road that's older than himself? Or maybe there is a time constraint? That would make total sense. I didn't read the manga, but the story is so cool, you just can't think too much into the Stands' abilities. I have a habit of ruining things outside of intended purposes and this is really troubling. At any rate I will stop thinking about it now.
Diary, I think there is a real chance of waking up at 6 tomorrow. Maybe I'll be out by 6:10 - 6:20 even.
And although I claimed the dawn of Golden Age a few weeks ago, things haven't been in motion. It is up to me, I know. It's truly terrifying that it's almost the weekend again, tomorrow is Friday. I will do it, you'll see.
Oh, the damned lingerie arrived late today, by the way. It's made of the worst possible material. I suddenly am a little glad that I didn't have to pay for an extra pair. I'll wear these as novelty, I guess. But just so you know they aren't worth anything. I will advise anyone to stay away from Agent Provocateur- though I don't see that topic coming up ever again.
The 20-80 - along with other similar sayings - truly frighten me. When you count eating and sleeping- of course you have to count these- do people really spend merely 20% of time doing meaningful work? Does the rule apply here? That's 4.8 hours per day. That looks legit for some reason... not me... never me... I'll never let that happen to myself.
I'm sweating a lot tonight. I don't know what dream, or if any- I'm about to have.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Diary, this FAITH track is awesome. Although the only thing that emerges in my head is that particular scene in the anime, I can simultaneously sense a reaching nostalgia, a unfamiliar familiarity, like looking into someone's past...
I actually finished sorting the Cambridge pack some hours ago. I thought it was about 1000, but I found the folder just now, it's 1100. Out of these how many are left? I reckon 300 or so. The pack is packed with useless fluff. Let me tell you it's full of Bioethics, Lawmaking, International Court, Introduction/Fundamentals/Principles/Foundation/First Course to Relativity/Quantum Mechanics/Optics/Fluid Dynamics/Heat Transfer- those are the worst. I didn't realize until now that even in the fields of science- hard science like physics, there are more introduction books than anything. That is so wrong. It's definitely supposed to be the other way around. It also means there are far fewer people working on "cutting edge" technology than I thought. To make sure I didn't get the wrong idea, I cross checked with their catalog- it's true, till this year they're still publishing more introduction books than anything. They even look similar to the stuff made 10 years ago. How horrific! I can't understand how or why someone needs an introduction course to Einstein's Relativity. Can't you just read the one written by Einstein himself? His language is almost conversational, it's so plain and easy to understand as it should be! - whereas these introduction books go out of their way to make a jumble of it.
Does that mean actually very little has changed "metaphysically" - here's another genre they keep abusing- over the years? I don't know yet. It is possible.
I'm not finished, those account for about 20% of the pack, but I also tossed away numerous books that cross examine psychology, philosophy, sociology, morality, sciences, laws and policies. It's like the horrific soap operas matching every character with each other- everybody must sleep with everybody once- something like that. I don't object cross examination, it can be very useful in producing surprising insight- but somehow they always fail my expectation and end up being so trite. Then there are about a hundred books that thematically analyze England in different times- it is the Cambridge University Press, after all. There are some literature critiques, I saved those. But Guides to Figures, no. Then there are some miscellaneous items. I deleted all American History- for some reason history of America is my least interested thing. I kept everything that seemed remotely interesting and I ended up with 300. Surely it won't last a year, but damn me, half of this year has already passed.
I better not, but I bet I will find half of what I saved to be regurgitated nonsense. It'll be really boring. But anyways, there is no hurry. I'm definitely breaking more than I'm making, now that's a problem.
Typing this made me wonder why I always found American History aggressively uninteresting, and I have figured it out. I hate the industrial revolution more than anything, and America was founded after the industrial revolution. So to me it does not have an era that's enchanting, it's all gray and smoky and characterless. I can embrace the technology, diary, but to me a country without a prior background is like a country without history. What's made after industrial revolution are not human anymore. They're all half machines. Anyway I don't know if I explained it very well, but it is a relief that now I know why I don't want to know anything about American history. A country born after the industrial revolution... that explains a lot, actually. The stiffness in their imagination, their strong, steel-cut archetypes, that common something in their national identity... it all makes sense now.
Hey, raspberries go bad really easily. How wasteful, I have to think twice from now. But this one I ate today had a floral fragrance, it's so interesting. I'm going to make some soup later this week, it's been a while I cooked a proper meal.
The trees are well, the only orchid may or may not survive. I can't help thinking I've forgotten something... but this is all that I can tell you for now.
I sure get pissed off a lot these days. I don't want to talk about it in the same page as I discussed that revolting hooker's lingerie company so.
I had an uncharacteristic dream last night. I was a... loan shark of sorts? I chased this filthy pauper to a school and totally destroyed that place. There were a couple of parents there that looked annoyed. I was even more so. Then I felt like for some reason taking a hostage so I took this soft-looking boy about 16-20. But it was such a dream that there was another fortified school nearby and where I would meet my end. I dragged this boy there and I sensed the time was near and I realized they will need his testimony, in fact so long they don't have it they can't do anything to me. So what I did, I looked the boy in the eyes and let my eyes well up on purpose, and I said: "You know what, I'm glad we met. It's good to know that there are people like me in the world as well as people like you." A bunch of good guys for every one villain, stuff like that, I think that's what I meant. Like he had a soft spot for that or something. Then I kissed him on the cheek knowing he's hard about it, then I ran away. At that point I was saying "what the fuck" to myself and opening my eyes, and I saw it just dawned outside, and I knew that means it's barely 6. I thought finally I can do this! I wanted to forget all about the dream and get up, but I was dragged back into it where I ended up giving the boy one of my panties knowing he'll masturbate to it.
I woke up in the worst possible mood.
I don't blame this on anyone, certainly not models- models aren't pervy, and not even myself this time- because I'm not pervy either!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. What's that dream supposed to mean? Holy Hell. Don't make me dream something like this.
The aggravation just keeps adding up. I'm telling you. By the time I went out I could almost burst. One good thing though. I left the radio on and did not hear a thing once I shut the door and when I'm under my window on the street, with the people and construction and whatnot, yeah, I was over-thinking.
Again it's fucking hot out. It's only fueling my anger. But I'm back now and I get to continue working. I should sort out the Cambridge pack by the end of today. I'll tell you about it when I'm done.
Boy do I regret placing an order on Agent Provocateur site. It hasn't arrived yet, even though the order I placed on Amazon US-fucking-A has. I seriously want to torch the damn thing when it does.
This cuntish company, Agent Provocateur, is certainly provoking me. They have the audacity to charge €15 for slow shipping, and they dare to ship you without your products. It's just a bunch of brainless fuckheads working there, so they aren't very good at doing inventory. So they take out whatever they mis-stocked/tracked and ship the rest without asking, all the while keeps the money on hold for the missing item. Imagine paying €15 of shipping for a €20 panties lol. I thought it would make sense to mitigate the exorbitant shipping cost across more items, provided that I indeed had heard good things about them.
But let me tell you something about word of mouth. Some people are really fucking dumb. I'm done hanging out with models. I get why some people like strangling women now. There are women whose entire existence is about feelings, being sexy or pretty, and just, just fucking exist. Who the fuck cares about what they say? They can easily put up with this bullshit because it just doesn't strike them as being odd. I'm not angry over €15, I'm angry because it fucking violated my principle. It is not right, in this time and age, for a large corporation to treat its customers as dumbasses even though most of them are, and to not better their service. Fucking hell. Have you seen some of the fans of this brand? They look like they're about to orgasm any moment and you can tell their head is absolutely vacant or braindead. Fucking scary. Someone told me this brand is worn by high-class hookers, I was like "heh that's novel." Yeah, I know!
Perhaps as long as there are dimwitted women who don't know jack shit about money, these companies will continue to thrive. But for me, never again. What's frustrating is these retards move slow as fuck. I really want to get it over with. But the more they keep me on hold, the more I'm moved to teach them a lesson, which will give me greater pleasure, not to mention restore justice.
I'm very sensitive to transaction cost, any non-value-added cost. Speaking of which, I was knifed €300 this morning. That's 3% transaction cost. I am beginning to get really pissed off. I don't get any joy from buying things anymore, haven't for a really long time. If I am a man I'd move to the mountains and farm everything myself. There are dimwitted cunts and bloodsucking institutions wherever you go. When humans entered mercantile era, it should've been fair and enriching. The activity of trading is supposed to be rewarding for both parties and it should leave you feeling pleasant and gained. Not now. These companies who refuse to adapt the current best practices, who employ dumb, slow, incompetent retards and implement outdated, inefficient policies really don't deserve to be in business.
Do you think people who are used to the various benefits of commercialization will ever move on to self-sufficiency? Does utility have any remote chance of competing with perceived value? I don't think so. I think humans are done for. They're done for in so many spectacular ways, and this is only one of them.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
the card machine is broken.
I gone to aquarium again.
Carrefour has whole new layout and tries to outprice Corte Ingles.
Hot. Very hot.
People. Gorging tapas.
I caked myself with sunscreen.
I'm sure you are not interested in any of this, neither am I.
I've hit a roadblock, so to speak. Since I never drive, all this seems out of place, eh?
I spent hours thinking about this problem... and it appears I can't find an answer. My brain felt empty and dark, I wonder what everything I've learnt went... this isn't about feeling stupid, just that I don't have the right stuff in my head. It made me tired, which is why I decided to take a walk and visit the aquarium. I saw snipefish, cardinal fish, locust lobster, anemone, octopus, shark, eels and rays, and this strange helmet-like fish that float in the water, barely moving and does not come near.
But I admit I have a lot to do, diary. This drain on my brain power is incredible. I begin to wonder if it's invincible... I have to keep working on it. I must not be alone in this. But I have to be careful about when do I reach out for whatever thing I do- because you always end up with people on your caliber level. I am not there yet. I wish I am, and so there is only to improve.
It's been harder and harder to decode God's Will since It stopped talking directly to me. I know, it's because I've been a weak-willed raging disappointment. Every day I attempt to change that, every day I take precautions, and it seems every day the hours are not enough. I hate to go to bed so early, but if I want to wake up at 6 one day, I must.
So this is it.
Monday, June 19, 2017
There is too much disappointment. I guess you should only read so much opinions and stop when they cease to offer plausible new angles.
The quest for the Greater Context continues...
Parallel to other missions.
I am really annoyed. Summer makes me really annoyed and restless. I see a stranger and I become annoyed. Immensely.
But last night I had another good dream. This one is even better than fantasy sex... it was war. The color and smell and ambiance of war was palpable.
My window is open but it's suffocating. Whatever I have things to do.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
I had vanilla fantasy sex with Jotaro in my dream right before I woke up this morning...
I'm wondering if it has to do with watching JoJo lately, but this has happened before, besides the city does receive a shocking amount of Japanese tourists on a daily basis. But depends on the distance, I can't quite make out the language people are speaking now. I observe the alley, right? There is a consistent backdrop of conversation going on in the streets whenever I open the window. It's kind of pleasant... for a while. I can make out conversations when people are about 10 meters away, but I don't recognize the language being spoken. It's strange, isn't it? What I hear is no longer being translated to my mother tongue or the most spoken language. I can process 4 inputs and 4 outputs, but where the action is happening, the words become this non-linguistic stuff. It makes sense if you think about it: as long as you know what an apple is, you don't need the word "apple" to appear in your head in any language to understand it. It's like before language was invented, before people started to use verbal symbols to describe things. But it's still kind of funny. I didn't think Japanese and Spanish sounded anything alike...
SEX SEX SEX
KISS KISS KISS
After reading tons of papers and books it suddenly hit me, I'll use the latest books I read as examples.
People read non-fiction because they're interested in objective realistic facts and truth, right? But even works of rigorous science have strong biases. To explain mass extinction, a geologist, of course, leans toward geographical causes, tectonic shifts, volcanos and stuff like that. They may point out that there are biological reasons, too, though they don't understand very much, but they will assert that the geological reason is the most important. But non-experts actually rely on their opinions to learn more about the world. What should we do when all the experts have conflicting central arguments? I mean, what if during his research, the geologist finds the bulk of evidence that explain a phenomenon one way or the other lies in biology and not geology? He must be frustrated. Yet he chose this profession so it must amount to something. His expertise may lead him to believe his work, well, or findings, let's not be harsh- is more relevant than it is. So at the expense of misleading and hiding the truth, he publishes what cast his field in a good light. This is very human but it's fucking annoying. Similarly, psychologists, this... fringe occupation in my opinion, have been trying to take over philosophers' and biologists' and anthropologists' jobs. Not going to happen.
It's sad that everyone is trying to come up with a master explainer that pierces through not only the very core of humanity but all its existence throughout history. At the same time it's only understandable. If not to swindle others, it's a good way to center yourself.
That said, there is still more truth in non-fiction than fiction, as always. I'm just jolly disappointed that there is so much bias. Now now diary, there are three kind of scientific writings. One, they show more data than explanation; two, they show sufficient process, data, proof as well as explanation; and three, not so much data or method but a bunch of bloated reasoning, conclusions, and even more theories. Only one of those is serious scientific writing. There is value in 1 because when there is not so much redundancy, there is a bunch of things you can learn yourself from looking at the data, maybe even more than the researchers themselves. The second is of course what I'm talking about. And the third, well unfortunately the third is what plagues the market made for mass consumption. There is so little value in it. It's almost feeding a generic confirmation bias.
Well diary, I can't stop thinking about Jotaro... he's so cool and so hot!! It's late and when I think of this morning I still... !! Oh ~~~~~~~~ I wish I can star in a JoJo themed hentai ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh by the way, I started replaying another old game recently. I didn't get some of the stories of games I used to play as a kid, now I can untie some of the knots buried deep within me. But as it turns out, the forced complexity doesn't age very well... there is not much substance there. Good works are timeless. Truth is timeless. This isn't. Maybe I don't even need to finish. They're high tales told to impress children, and quite childish themselves now that I look at it.
Oh Timelessness. Where is timelessness?
Saturday, June 17, 2017
I'm beginning to understand more things about people. I find myself in agreement with some of them. I didn't think it before... but it might grant me small releases. I wonder if...
This is the third time, is it not? I'll wake up at 6 tomorrow. I tend to sleep in on Saturdays, but if tomorrow is the exception, that's OK.
.. 2 books later ..
Diary I... the slip feels pretty good. I gotta go bare-back once in a while, right? If I'm a guy I'll just go topless right now. It's getting hotter every day, but still bearable.
I wonder if I can read 4 tomorrow.
Bugs have been bugging me. That's my primary reason for not wanting to open the window all day. A cockroach got in the other day. I had never seen a cockroach before and I don't want to see it again. I couldn't kill it, just because of how large it was and I don't want it dead or alive anywhere near me. So I grabbed it while wearing a crumpled plastic bag and threw it in the trash can on the street. Till this day I can only open one window in the living room because it's not near the concentration of stuff and easy to check, but from that day onward I even consider whether or not I have to shut it whenever I'm not there- even if I were to just take a shower- I can't risk a bug getting in and hiding somewhere. I can't even help picking up a hair on the floor if I see one. You don't know how hard it is to live with the fact as a germophobe.
I'm pretty sure I had a nightmare that day.
This, along with eating and sleeping and shitting and showering, are all waste of time. Each day the feeling of worthlessness- these activities- keeps accumulating, and I wonder if I will explode when it reaches the culminating point.
A lot of romantic notions are broken for me recently, including, well, romanticism, and wanderlust. I really wonder what is my purpose on this planet- in a completely new angle. I'm holding the conclusion I arrived at before, it's still true, but see it as a branch-off question, a side-quest. What if I get something new? You never know.
Anyway. I'm strongly moved to light the house on fire or get a bug detector or something. I am a control freak, diary. And the best thing for a control freak is to have as few things to control over as possible. That just means as few things as possible in daily life. Every day I think of new ways to streamline and minimalize my life. Sometimes, things just don't go my way.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
I'm having a rough night. This night is smooth in every other respect, but I have a lot on my mind. I'm able to tolerate classical music a bit, so that's something. I also liked the way I just came out of shower, my hair in strands like a manga artist's ink streaming out in a cool fashion.
But not anymore. I'm really frustrated. You know, I find online shopping more frustrating than going to the shops. The anticipation and dealing with shipping companies is beyond I can tolerate. Shopping for grocery is still fine. But as for other things, clothing particularly, I think I would rather go to the shops instead. To get a buzz from the door early in the morning or any time of the day makes my stomach churn. To think someone buzzes... and I have to rush to get it. It's very much like getting a phone call. I want none of that.
I should be a little embarrassed, but I have to admit I still don't know how to decline a call on the iPhone. There is no red decline button. There is only slide to answer. I think I managed to get a "remind me later" thing one time, but that's the last thing I want. Sometimes I get so frantic I smash the home button, but then the call slider is still on the top of the screen. Then I typically dial the volume way down- wait, I actually mute it, then I toss it aside. But then it's still on my mind as I stand there trying to figure out how to reject it. Sometimes I resort to turning the phone off. It just pisses me off. I wish there is a kind of phone that only accepts and sends text messages with no noise.
Once again I have to wonder why I chose to live in a city center. I'm sure it seemed like a logical decision at the time, albeit last minute, but I do question myself this time. Ah wait, if I didn't live in a city center, I can't even go out and shop myself. I would have to rely on the internet. I see.
Dear Diary, I wish for a whole month (for starters) where I only need to make light purchases. Really, just grocery, like I planned. One big order from the internet, about 7-10 quick trips for the greens. And nothing else. I really, really hate shopping. I don't want to do it ever again. Every time it occurs to me how many hours are wasted on this I want to cry.
Today I want to have sex with Star Platinum
I'm not a sexless person as they say! I want to have sex very very much!! It's just all whom I'm attracted to have been characters and not real humans! As soon as I see a real person I'm no longer horny! My desire is gone! Goodness, diary! I am a normal person in so many other ways! Statistically speaking, this is indeed the most sex-crazed time of any person! I am no different! I want to have sex every day! Each day with a different character! But when I look at real people I just can't anymore! And when I look at my favorite characters I...
God diary! At least I can come out now. It wasn't fun hiding this stuff from you all these years.
"Dame dame dame dame dame..."
Can't set it as wake up call it's like "don't wake up"... but it's so soft..... a soft deranged person......
I looked up some questions on the internet today. Nothing surprising there.
October won't be hot in Poland... no, it'll be cool, so I'll reconsider it.
But it seems I have to finish the little something tomorrow.
Interesting thing. My body remembers the temperature of all the places I've lived in. It says 28C here but it feels like 36 when I'm outside. I asked people back home and while it says 34C over there they did not feel hot at all. I remember, 34C over there was hot but not searing. It felt like 30C. Looks like I'm not suited to live in extremely hot places, or inland where there is great difference between day and nighttime temperatures... so Madrid is out.
I don't have to think about it for a while, I'm just glad that every June I get new guy(s) to obsess over. It would be really boring otherwise. Of course I would rather get their friendship instead, but I'm born this way, what can you do.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
I suddenly don't think it's a bad thing that I can contain so many contradictions. Shouldn't I rejoice at my own multiplicity? That way all seems OK again. Yes... a phase always passes.
Diary, I am focused. I am pathetic, weak, affected at times, but I am not changed. I admit summer brings out mania in me, but if God will allow it...
It's been a day.
I imagined a scenario where I would simply appear and say : " I am the woman who ran out of fucks to give . "
Last night's nightmare was about cannibalism. Flesh.
I plan to finish Diamond Is Unbreakable after all.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Lying here, awake.
I realize I am actually a very indulgent person.
Extremely. I am no different than any of the superficial, materialistic characters depicted in films. I have squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more. Luxury brands is like this mythical maze, once you get in, you can never get out. Yet it's as if those outside of it don't matter, and vice versa, you are just wandering with other trapped people.
I think it's a matter of trust. Now it's late, quiet, I can think about it. Trust is so hard for me that I think once I become familiar with a name, I'll not think twice about becoming its patron and form an exclusive contract. Yes. For example, today I noticed the color of the print on my new Escorpion shirt has fallen off, and I wrote off this brand entirely. Believe it or not, people like me don't want to sample every brand and try on every style. We just want a few reliable suppliers that won't rip us off. That is hard to come by these days. Time-wise, I can't even afford experimenting with mid-range goods. I feel horrible every time I have to retire a piece of clothing. Cause I do see clothes as my skin and symbol, not symbol of status but symbol of character. Therefore I cannot tolerate flaws.
I really want to own as few number of clothing as possible. I don't mind wearing something 3 days in a row. I don't need any fancy floral, elaborate embellishment, I just need something stylish and durable. I shouldn't even have to worry about clothing - that is not why I'm here.
Yet I have become an expert. All I wanted to do is to find the trustworthy ones and don't have to think twice about where to find clothes. I'm too tired to do the whole "Discover" thing every few months.
The models are really affecting me. I was just talking about them yesterday and today they're part of my life. You want to be sexy when you're with them. I just spent the weekend browsing La Perla and Mimi Holiday. I want to kill myself. I shouldn't want to feel sexy, right? Fuck Achilles stilettos and now the bras and gowns to match... I work with my brains! Did I just say brains? I should die!
I didn't eat all day today then I had a craving. I walked to KFC and got hot wings. It's like the midnight walk of shame. It's still burning in my stomach.
Why am I browsing sheer nightgowns, holy fuck. I want to cry. This isn't me, right? What happened to minimalism?
The truth is I am obsessed with designer goods. I have been since ever but recently it has become an addiction. I hope writing it out would help. Discipline is about consistency. If I break all would be for nothing. No. No no no. Just earlier today I suddenly realized that all patterns are really hideous. I mean, it's ok for amusement, like little decors around the house. But when shopping for clothing, plain is the best. Silk, satin, cotton, linen. Can't avoid polyester in lingeries.
It's the lovely balmy summer. Shit, if a baby is born in winter... that means it's conceived in summer right?! Holy hell. No. No no no...
Get it together. Get it together. Don't think about sexiness anymore you hopeless fool. I finally finished my grand plan. I can't suffer one lapse on execution. Focus. Focus! God! Is it really in my genes!! I thought I can do without!!
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Whose bright idea was it to walk 12km the day before going to a music festival? Anyways, it's ok. It's the other things.
As I was standing there and I looked around and saw a bunch of models and model-passing people, I suddenly realized something. How many one-word songs can I listen to? None of these people are here for the music. They're here to charge their narcissism, it's a new power now. I'm not sure if I will attend another music festival, but if I do, the lesson is this: don't go if you're only interested in one band in it.
This is the case today. I got the ticket 2 months ago and I'm not even that interested in them now. They played zero of my favorite songs. I just... I just saw people walking that walk, showing off (nobody twerked, Thank the Good Lord), acting over the top with their friends and making small talks all the time. Nobody is there for music. As of now the festival is still going on, but I got home 3 hours early.
I suppose it's the definitive "having a good time", but the entire time I was there, I had a whole different song playing in my head. I've figured it out. I'm the type of person who once discovers a new favorite song should loop it until I'm over it. So that's what I did. I came home and looped the song like crazy. But the narcissism had rubbed off on me - I stood in front of the mirror with only my underwear and appreciated my look for a good half an hour. Say no more. I am sorry and ashamed.
But! This is just what I needed. Now I don't want to do anything other than work. Although I do have to reconsider if I'm going to Poland after all... Heroes is not a momentary fascination. Even though the music is not performed by Paul Romero himself, I still...
I think by now I know in my heart that the only music I enjoy is at home, played on my JBL setup, in FLAC or APE. Not a classical concert, not an outdoor music festival (I honestly believe the blasting is a degradation), not street performance. None of those is my thing.
I don't know why I can't have a good time like normal people. God knows I tried. But while I was there, I even cringed for a bit. Diary, I have a lot of doubts about myself. If this is what we should elevate impoverished people to, I'm not sure if we should. It's all so very superficial, it has very little value.
You'd think if one comes from a lesser background, they would appreciate and be content with a dramatically improved lifestyle. My life has changed a lot, but I can't say I'm content with this. Yes, there are better material lives to aspire to, but what concerns me is not myself. I find "it shouldn't bother you if it doesn't affect you" very wrong. Why, it does bother me. Nothing tests our mettle anymore, nothing compels us to acknowledge the best anymore.
I am aware, every day more so, that my thoughts are becoming those of the most old school villains. Last time I checked, villains shouldn't keep such a journal. Ah Diary. I don't see myself as a villain, but this is all too typical.
I'd like to thnk I've reached a ripe age. Ripe doesn't necessarily mean old. Though I turn back on my words almost every day, I do feel I am prepared now.
Diary, oh diary. What does God need of me? What does God want from me? What is the course of my Fate? Is it truly as good as I thought? I can't enjoy these ordinary things anymore. It beckons. I have to race to get there. I can't be afraid to succeed too soon anymore. How ridiculous, yes, how ridiculous of me!! I used to be afraid to prepare for exams just so I don't get 100%. It would bore me and make me think less of other people. I never mentioned it to anyone - how ridiculous it is!! Can you imagine!! I would not play games where I have absolute chance of winning, and I never play with opponents I know I can beat. What is wrong with me! God. These things have ever always been in the back of my mind, I have to say it out loud to hear how ridiculous I sound! I literally haven't read those books in my library because I was afraid I would finish them too soon! Good God! There is always more! There is enough! I must say it out loud so I hear how ridiculous I sound!
I can't hold myself back anymore. I can't pretend to be normal anymore. I can't limit myself on purpose anymore. There is no such thing as too much achievement or too much money. I must stop imitating ordinary people. I can't shell out quaint little things anymore. My ambition is eating me inside... I must let it out.
I always think, now there are maybe 10 people in the world who can do what I do, but if I hold myself back, in 3 years there will be 100, in 10 years there may be 1000, and in a few decades, who knows - maybe even tens of thousands! This thought is intolerable. I must maintain God's Favor. We are not born equal, dear diary. Whether we start as top or underdog, God will look at the one who maintains its Favor. This life is short, half of this life is over. Though some of these people may become my allies... I see them as competitors nonetheless.
You can never lose drive as long as you are competing for God. I can't say any more. Diary oh diary. I will have enough babble for you still.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Yes, I semi-regret what I said yesterday. As I lay in bed awake (way past 6) I looked past the initial excitement. Yes I suppose it's just an intrigue to them even though those are smart kids.
But anyway, life goes on. I just discovered that the Ubisoft office is right down the street, what the actual fuck. It's like if you live in Midtown and all the crazy offices are within reach. I know this is the center of the town but damn. I'm this close to Ubisoft?
I'm not sure what I can do- or if I'm going to do anything. They seem like a mobile division so maybe there isn't even a point. I haven't played a new game in so long... it's just, you know? My childhood self would've been pleased.
Damn it jealousy attack! I'm oozing with jealousy and competitiveness again. I saw a competition just now. Oh Diary!!!!! A new turf to triumph!!!!!! I'm all fired up! Forget about Ubisoft. Everything I said. I know I can beat them. Let's go!!!!!!!!
Thursday, June 8, 2017
I'm so tired I feel like I'm dead. I have to go to bed at 11 today no matter what. The problem is I think every 7 hours of sleep will sustain me for 20 hours but a day is 24 hours so I don't know, I'm on the wrong fucking planet.
Ah Diary. My Dear Diary. Diary diary diary... I'm really fucking tired.
Gotta pick the right games to play.
I want to become a basketball player. Another alternate universe, I guess. It's just so great to be able to call your friends and go out and play balls. The sweat don't matter, the sunburn don't matter. My friends have kids. I work with a humungous amount of information on a computer. Fuck. I really want to play basketball. I want to join a team. I wanted to join a team when I was 6 then I stopped growing at 5'7'' then I noticed there are no women on the bestest teams. Ah what a joke.
Regardless, I'm getting why people stick to the traditional way of life as I age. I begin to understand the myriad reasons women want to marry and have kids. They're still impulses, and for the majority symptoms of mediocrity but I get it. Things are sharply clear right now. Who's lying, who's blowing things out of proportion. What's keeping the same, what's definitely not going to happen. Even things I deeply questioned a month ago- they become so clear now. I don't know if this extreme tiredness has anything to do with it. I feel like we're all incredibly on the same page actually. People are working with what they have, and that's all anyone can ask for.
I'm so incredibly drained. I want to go out... but there is no peace and quiet outside. I guess I'm going to have to go into the woods soon.
God there are so many tourists. Believe it or not I have never wanted to be a tourist. Yes my life is in fragments, good fragments, a lot of places, but I never wanted to "just visit" anywhere. I'm in Europe now, you'd think I would have toured a bunch of countries, but no. I'm purpose-driven. The thought of visiting Paris for the sake of visiting Paris is excruciating to me. If I don't have to visit Paris, if I'm not compelled to participate in at least 2 events in Paris, I'm not going.
That's my principle, diary.
I don't go anywhere unless I have 2 good reasons, and impulse never counts.
Yesterday I realized I may be controlled by numbers. I'm too rational. I'm always trying to maximize efficiency. I'd like to think the process has become automatic backstage, but it's still running on my fuel. I don't know if it's wrong. Impulse is a big part of being human, right? I mean I have plenty of impulses, but I'm just not so relaxed when it comes to decision making of any kind. I have a strict code for almost everything. It's fucking tiring.
I haven't become more chill since I got here. I've become more tired and not chill. Even though I think I appear to be more chill. But I have no chill. Else I wouldn't be so tired.
God damn it diary, the game are rigged. Although I can play some of the rigged games I... there are so many things I simply cannot do and it's frustrating. When am I going to play basketball? I really want to be a 6 feet fit black guy, not totally black maybe milk chocolate color, with short curly hair and thick lips, soft-spoken but resolute, and play basketball since I was a kid. None of that ever happens. I have a pink skirt, diary, I want to cry. I just ordered a pair of 9cm stilettos diary, I honestly want to cry. Who wants that shit? Yet I must have it to play my role.
My God I know the timing is horrible. I don't... I don't identify as a tall black man diary, I know who I am and I'm not going to change my behaviors. I just... how great would that be?! A lifetime of work on the intelligence, a part of me is probably just screaming I want to let loose, and not in the way of a day at spa, but a truly liberating way as a hulky man just playing sports. Just be totally physical and exercise muscles, not the head. Poor head. I pat myself sometimes, you know.
If you get a cat and the cat pets you, I'm ok with that. I don't have time to pet the cat.
God damn it diary. I have to go.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
I finally cracked the happiness / positivity thing. Oh My God diary, maybe I've been a jolly optimist all along. I mean of course I am, but now in the superficial sense, too.
There is this website called vocabulary.com, they're pretty cool, they give you simple definition of terms, the site is very user friendly and stuff, and they have this program where you can learn words by taking quizzes and they have a leader board and stuff. When you think about it, there is no point in dedicating any amount of time as an adult to improving your vocabulary this way. The program is helpful but not really recreational or anything. It's mainly for schoolers as they have a competition / network thing for all the middle schools and whatnot in the US.
Once upon a time I used to play the quizzes and got 300,000 points which is not a lot at all. You need 100 million to reach the 1st rank, it's like 100,000- 200,000... 1 mil- 2-mil.... 10 mil- 20 mil... something like that. Now I noticed there is a player who achieved the 1st rank, and he says very seriously in his profile that he's a investment bank analyst and he brags about how many words he'd learned and ridicules other 1st rank players for not having as high a "correct ratio" as he. I'm like dude these are middle schoolers. They're kids. Besides it's for self-improvements. It's honestly so embarrassing. He's bringing his "big" analyst (an entry level title for investment bankers) brain to guess if other players have been cheating and how. And one response that agreed with his observation came from a 6th grader who got 3 mil points or something. And I clicked on the 6th grader's profile and he rants about how life sucks for people who have Asperger's and basically shows how angry and autistic he is. Assume his classmates will see that.
I mean. It's fascinating to me. I suddenly get why a lot of people are allergic to negative stuff in general. Who needs that attitude in life? Who needs to see that sulkiness? Dampens your day. No.
I know some people really hate it when they think they have depression and others tell them to "just be happy", but now I know it's only because their sulkiness is fucking annoying and other people don't want to deal with that. It's not failing to help, it's just a bother. I didn't quite care about the topic before, I basically think depression is bullshit, so is love, or some other profound sounding emotion people make up. There is right and wrong, competence and incompetence, content and anger, a bunch of desires, fear and disappointment, but that's about it.
I digress. Anyways this is my lesson of the day. I suddenly see why you should try to make everyone happy. It's like the whole Muslim refugee thing right? So many people are so enraged about Islam. The self-proclaimed rationalists are like we don't hate the people, we hate the religion. Of course our counter-terrorism tactics don't include killing Muslims like some of them did some of us, but we're going to eradicate the belief.
And they want to ban the refugees and deploy some other measures that would prolly contradict to what was just said.
I mean, if these people really want to eradicate Islam, where do they think it's going to happen? On Islamic home turf? Shouldn't they welcome the refugees so they can use their culture to influence them and make them convert? By turning away refugees and make them stay in their homeland, how are you going to change their belief? Are you going to air-drop the Bible and pizza and Kool-Aid or whatnot every month? Are you going to send priests or... more crusaders? Please. The soft mellow floppy soggy docile acts as chanting "Love Conquers All" is exactly what's needed to help them. Hey, if anyone is gullible enough to believe the Quran or the Bible, they might as well believe in "Love".
That's literally the whole problem (the refugee problem, not the war problem). I honestly think it's simple as that. The price to pay is very few innocent lives compared to the greater good.
People are so theatrical these days. It's perfectly reasonable to be enraged if you've lost someone you're close to, but there are a striking amount of people spreading unspecific messages based on wobbly logic, it's so
For whatever it's worth I believe we're in Act III now. Curtain is about to close. Not in my lifetime but soon. If you think about it, the advance of technology has expedited the process. We are long estranged from the thrill of discovering whole new continents. Now it's micro-discovery on molecular level. Those papers are putting me to sleep!
I forgot about planets! That's how unexciting they are.
Some of the fuzzy wool got into my hair. I wake up everyday already spent. Oh Dear Diary, let me have a good sleep tonight. All my thoughts to God.
God punished me today. I had to clean out the hair in the shower drain. It's one of those things we never talk about. And for the second time in a week I had to dump everything I touched in the washer. Laundry, and cleaning in general, is getting tiring.
Good news is the three trees got here today. God, I can't believe I have a Dragon Tree in my living room. I'm looking at it right now. Tropical trees are my favorite. Where I come from, there are many many firs, staunch conifers, gorgeous pines, but I've always dreamed of the big tropical palms. The palms in Northern California do not look so healthy. I remember touring Stanford once and I saw the palms on the way. They were dried and tied up, like a man-bun or something. Why? It was before the drought. If you got to have palms, you want to make sure they are not parched. But this is mainly for myself. I will not let them die.
I'm already late for a bunch of things, I sense God is about to punish me again, in a bigger way. I'm leaving you the grocery list I did today. It's supposed to sustain me for a whole month at least, except I have to go for lettuce and stuff, vegetable and fruit every 3 or 4 days. Though I have a bunch of kiwis and cherries and I'm not bothered. They are scheduled to arrive on Friday.
Concentrated fabric softener
Bacon and belly pork, packaged
Fuet and Espetec Catalan sausages, packaged
Packaged fresh cheese
Spreadable and cream cheeses
Seedless black watermelon
pork ribs in Argentine marinade
organic chia seeds
GOYA coconut milk for cooking tin 400 g
spicy pickles on skewers
sweet pickles on skewers
Sunflower and seed oil
Tomato sauce with parmesan
Bio organically farmed puffed wholegrain rice with agave and coconut
their word- I've never had it before
Bio organic puffed wholegrain rice with agave and cocoa
Rice cakes with seed and cereals
Corn cakes with cereals and 6 seeds
Bio organic rice and buckwheat cakes
Bio organic rice and quinoa cakes
I've known the existence of quinoa and its hippiness for at least 4 years but the name always repelled me. Today I learned it's got whole protein or something and well, I'm in. Crunchy cakes are much better than whatever I'd cook if you gave me the quinoa don't you think?
Bio organic rice and 7 cereals cakes
Iberian ham flavour cakes
Cakes with virgin olive oil, sea salt and oregano
TOBLERONE ice cream bonbon
Battered king prawn tails
PRINGLES Hot & Spicy crisps
Sliced pineapple in juice
You know, it occurred to me I haven't had a coke in 10 years. It's just such a... like "who needs coke?"
I'm feeling a little prescient at the moment and I can tell you I won't be getting up at 6... today.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
It's 3, I'm not sleeping, I'm using an iPad, of course I won't wake up at 6. It's frustrating.
I don't want to waste more time debating this, but it's only to save more time so: should I stop shopping for groceries in person? It's just I've never seen people my age at the store, I wonder if they eat at all, and it feels embarrassing walking with heavy bags. I don't think anybody shows up to buy toilet paper anymore. Or flour. They're on the shelf, but as an ad placement or something. I don't want to appear to be a housewife. And I can't wear my kind of outfit for grocery shopping, it just doesn't feel right. "Incongruent."
A few years ago, I would find the idea crazy. But now, the idea has been weighing on me every time I'm there. The image of me carrying plastic bags full of miscellaneous items in both of my hands is simply unbearable to me. I still can't explain it, I just know it's distracting.
The thing is the store is so close to me. It's literally 300m away so it's not like I'm taking a hike or anything. It's just my consciousness is telling me I'm past the phase of doing heavy lifting. I shouldn't go to the store even if I could. I ought to make myself into a woman who's not bogged down by chores. So I'm going to use their delivery service from now- for everything except unpackaged greens. I don't trust ordering those online.
I have to admit I kind of like grocery shopping, seeing hundreds of items alone is satisfying, I don't have to own them. In fact I never buy more than ten items at a time which means I have to go every 3 o 4 days, but now I can probably get a month's stock for items with a generous expiration date.
And any time I go out it'll be for a walk, a meeting, a concert, for fun. That's how it should be.
Honestly, I don't know where I got these ideas. Movies, maybe. It's just so weird that I rarely see people buying grocery these days that I'm afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's bad enough that we're not hunters anymore, now apparently we're not gatherers either? This all fits very much in line with the efficient lifestyle I've been advocating, I mean, you'd think I'm an early adopter, but for some mysterious reason I like frequenting marketplaces and perusing various products.
Time is terribly important, that's why I'm taking this step. The fact that it's JUNE 6 makes me want to kill myself.
Oh by the way, I ordered 3 large indoor plants today, nonflowering ones. I figured trees might be easier to take care of. I still can't believe two flowers died on me. What a nightmare. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly think I might die, or at least suffer if I don't have 3 pots of plants.
God, I know I'm full of contradictions. Sometimes when I think of foolish things like this I really doubt myself.
Monday, June 5, 2017
I didn't wake up at 6 today. And when I walked out and saw all the shops closed, I had a strange moment thinking the day borrowed was given back as a second Sunday.
It was not the case. It's still Monday, just a holiday as well.
I saw the holiday coming, but I didn't know it warrants everybody taking the day off. And how come my face looks charred after totally not being exposed to the sun?
But anyways. I'm putting away the duvet today and starting to use the blanket, it's getting hot at night.
But anyways. It irks me how every time I look back at yesterday's entry, I always instantly find holes in it. It bothers me to no end. I really want to be right about everything. I do mean Everything. I want every mistake to be a lie, and not an honest display of stupidity. I guess I should avoid writing my entry at night. But isn't it conventional to write in your diary before you sleep?
Anyway, the cyborg program I want everybody to get into- I know not everybody can get into it, but I forgot about reproduction. I suppose it's going to be a volunteer program when you are old enough. Like when your eggs or sperms are harvested, then you are free to choose to forego the rest of your body. How do they store the brain? I gotta visit the lab.
I just have to admit that I'm not very educated on the subject, the very subject I just found out I'm really adamant about. There is something to be said about a possibility, but becoming the norm? I'm not sure if I'm looking into the future or enjoying just another fantasy. Feasibility is not mine to worry- we all know we can do it, but what I need to find out is if it's the right step to take.
At some point, this has stopped being daily musing and started becoming a burning question.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
My Saturday was robbed and I'm not talking about yesterday, because I didn't have a "yesterday". I'm pretty sure the day before was Friday but when I checked my phone this morning it says "Sunday". It's so maddening.
Also I just discovered a series of things that are plain aggravating. It's that feeling when you know a great deal you thought you had is not all that, because it's not unique. Damn it, New York has it, too.
I can't pretend that I'm not jealous of people who get to go to MoMA and the Met every weekend, and now I know there is even a bunch of zoos scattered about in the region. And what's wrong with sustaining on cooked food in gourmet stores? Nothing at all. It's part of the modern lifestyle. I might be saying that because I suck at cooking- I can't even keep plants alive, it's so aggravating. Orchid #1 died, then the thorny blue flower plant thing is dying- I'm pretty sure it's dying- how can I be such an inspiration- their word- to so many people yet fail to keep plants alive?
Anyway I plan to reconnect with people I've shunned in the past few years, and I'm glad to hear they're already lining up to hang. But the idea is already exhausting.
Look, things haven't changed so much. I can pick the right friends, but I can't get over the fact that there are a huge number of people- the majority of people- out there who are failing miserably. They're just so poor and stupid and ugly and miserable, all of which can probably be fixed. I'm not talking about this on a superficial level either, despite how I made it sound - I know we are all putting our collective effort together to fix it, but this isn't about the state of affairs. I just think that- at the end of the day, it's a tally, you know? God isn't going to judge us by the few outstanding ones, it's going to judge us by how we are doing as a whole. And while I can look away to not feel that sickness in my stomach, I can't help but worry about God's judgment.
And the whole mind upload cyborg thing- it's a step, but not a solution if you can't stop the brain from going bad. Yeah, foregoing the fancy terms.
It rained today. Poured actually, for a good thirty minutes. I love rainy days. Rainy days are my favorite. It's just so relaxing. You know, it occurred to me that even the anticipation of being surrounded by others makes me pining for peace and quiet.
But anyways, as I looked up to see the sky, I saw this couple going at it on their terrace. Lots of PDA around here, though I imagine terrace is only a semi-public place. But a thought also entered my mind there and then : "making out when it's raining? what a waste."
So I took a few hours off and lay on the chaise, just thinking about stuff with the incredibly soothing rain. I don't know if they have more variants for petrichor, but the smell could be a little more grassy, you know what I'm saying?
I'm combing through all the great breakthroughs in my head, all the human achievements- I tried to do them chronologically but I ended up dwelling on the biggest, most exciting ones, ones that have the biggest impact. And sadly I arrived on the one one conclusion- they were all done for self preservation. Not all... most. So few inquire about truth that has nothing to do with human beings. Can humans think of nothing other than self preservation? It really is a desperate conclusion. Whether you want to stop and cure diseases, feed the hungry, invent anything - the fundamental reason is all to stop the species from perishing. Is that all we want to do? To exist? To exist longer, in a more expansive, elaborate, comfortable way, but we're still we. Is that it? It's the biggest disappointment.
I still remember the time I told you about when I felt life flowing out of my body. I was OK. I didn't hope to live or anything. I was fine with it. I'm totally fine with discontinuation of our species. Nobody else feels this way. It's just so bizarre that it all comes down to self preservation. If you want to help humanity, you help it exist.
And that's why you know, even organic matter inevitably deteriorates, I still like the sole brain operating thing. It still seems like science fiction at this point, but from my perspective, the only chance left is for us to discard our flesh and blood body and focus on and with the only thing that's useful, our brain. Let me just say "I'm not a goddamn geek" to get that disgusting feeling out of my mind. No. Anyone can say it. It's perfectly reasonable. I'm sure more people are thinking about it. It's totally the right next step.
I wonder how will we ponder "existence" after that. You might think I'm about to talk about GITS, but what's funny is only after you arrived at this point do you realize that GITS does not shed light on that topic. They actually wasted that premise. It's pretty shortsighted and does not consider those questions. That's why it can be enjoyed by many.
Not all good things are enjoyable, that's what I learned. A lot of good, fine things are acquired taste.
I swear I'm going to get up at 6 tomorrow. I have to see what the streets look like at 6. I'll go to the park, maybe even the beach.
Dear Diary, what I'm afraid is one day I might become so stubborn, so stuffed, so full of ideas I won't compromise. My faith is unshakable, but other than that, I should always be up for anything. I pray for things to change me. Not that I don't like the way I am, I just need stimulation. What if the materials I gathered are composed by people who were under the same influence?
Please don't say this out loud, but I love freaks. I wouldn't be surprised if most people find themselves freaky, but truth is, I haven't seen any. Just so I make myself clear, freaky is not what destitute people entertain as a lifestyle, it's quite the opposite. It describes someone so free of constraints- probably because she or he is exceedingly comfortable and worry-free, yet have this intellect and drive to analyze things from a completely new angle. Plenty of freaks existed, some of them even contributed to the existence of our species, it's just, the problem is their theories that do not directly help our species' self-preservation are overlooked. And those who solely worked on those are just forgotten in history. How do you stand out if you don't advocate for the plainest things that ameliorate the human condition? That's probably why I have not encountered one real freak in my life. Nor have I read one freaky work that challenged my worldview so drastically. I'm reading the Bible from cover to cover, all the Old and New Testament, and I just find it funny. I can understand why they decided the characters would live for nine or eight hundred years, I can understand why the Norse myths say Ymir created all that. The Roman and Greek stories, I find them relatable as anybody. What I want is something that makes me stop and think for a few seconds. A few minutes. A few hours. A few days even, preferably.
They suggest the purest disciplines. Yes. I suppose the only fun left is to find a way to break those ones too.