Wednesday, May 31, 2017
I sweated a lot last night, like even my shoulders were wet and the sweat seeped into the pillow. I can't lie to myself. This isn't a nightmare... some of the horror is in real life.
Every once in a while, God yanks an essential from me for a brief period of time. I can think of no use for it other than so I suffer. I don't know what to make of it.
I've heard other people's problems. Frankly, I do not care. I probably never will. I don't have energy for non essential stuff, especially when they're fabricated and self inflicted.
at May 31, 2017
Monday, May 29, 2017
I recovered my ego a little bit today. I realized it's very hard to satisfy my ego these days. There is no competition you can top. There is no reward when you are the best. There is game, but I just found out it's not necessarily the game I want to play.
Don't ever eat any cheese with fruit juice again.
I have to consider... I still have to consider, dear diary- for me.
A saint has to consider for the saint's self sometimes. This is one of those times.
A long time.
For whatever reason, I cannot find out the source of my distress. The concept of a "carefree day" let alone the remote chances of having one drift farther and farther away every day.
I have to find a way to satiate my bulging ego. I have ( long ) been warned it's what will do me in. But how else am I going feel better about it?
Do I want to go to the woods this weekend?
I find it increasingly difficult to talk to you about stuff. The boundaries are getting more and more blurry every day. I don't know if it's a lack of discipline or something breaking inside of me.
I want to figure out why I've been so drained lately. What possible harm did I do besides accidentally poisoning myself? ( with sprouted potatoes, fyi )
I guess my big ambitions are weighing me down and causing all the stress. But every day I look back at yesterday, and I find yesterday me stupid. I am not a perfectionist, but the least I can do is to not ignore the hints.
Crafting takes time. Testing takes longer. I don't know why I ever worried that I'd move too fast. It was a legit concern pre-22, but 3 years a lesson: it's no longer the case.
Great Plans never go as expected, right?
God's divinity is something you can believe and respect, but you don't have to like it at all times. There is certainly a lot of confusion I have to process on a daily basis. It's like there is a veil. Truth is not easy to obtain.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Do not ever snap picture of me.
One of things I can never say.
Now you know how I feel.
About what's going to hppn next.
Do you remember the time.
Attending workshop @ art museum.
& Put into ze newsletter.
& People see.
& Told me.
Not a bad shot,
but if I knew,
I'd appear to be a deer in the headlights.
This will happen many more times.
I am petrified.
Think I'll be alright if and when thermo is fixed.
I can only handle one problem at a time
... in the life category of course.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
There are many things troubling me.
I need new shoes. Do you prefer sheepskin, goat skin, bull skin, wolf skin, rat skin or snake skin?
If I am truly a demon, then why... why would a demon worship God? Is God's Mandates... God's Order - my only way to redemption?
But I haven't sinned. It's like I'm being pre-punished. Or for under-delivering.
I can't be a demon, can I?
Diary, death is not going to take me by surprise, right? Will I live till the day to end it by my own hands?
But I feel like I've stretched it. I look dead. One day I look healthy and the next I look dead. Doesn't matter 200% Vitamin C I ingest everyday in fruit and stuff. It's impossible.
I wouldn't mind. Why would I?
I can only be honest with you with my feelings.
Sick humor, dark torture, poisonous words and all.
A bird, a trill, a..
Mainly I feel like I'm easily drained.
What if I decide I want dragon skin shoes.
You're tired because you don't receive enough stimulation. Oh God, I swear I've been looking for stimulation nonstop since I got here. It's quite embarrassing to admit I don't know what stimulation I should be looking for after half life lived. I don't know. What is it? What can possibly cheer my spirit?
If only there is a place only filled by good-looking people, the smartest, most ambitious, talented, and want to destroy the world, from every race, culture, main partition group. And we would hang out all day. Just discussing plans will get me off.
Not those dusty old men, God no. What does longevity do to this species? No good.
Nobody wants the world to end. Even the homeless who slept on the sidewalk found... something... in him to take care of not only himself but some of the stray dogs as well. People are oozing with... love?
Spaniards are crazy. That's my conclusion. I said I'd look into it, but it drains me 60% just thinking about the question for two seconds. No. They're crazy. Hey, it's a good crazy. Good for them. But I'm done thinking about it.
Everybody is crazy now that I think of it. We keep saying "normal people", I have all these ideas about appearing to be normal adapting to different situations and places, but no one is normal. Not on an individual level, not on a group level, nor a national one. Just, no one is crazy. The standard we hold each other to is an advertised one. That's it.
So, less pressure for me.
If this is my last day, or the last 100 day, what would I...
I am truly drained. What the hell did I even do.
One at a time.
at May 26, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Rihanna is so cool.
P.S. @ 3:56 I read Bannon files with Only Girl In The World overlayed on top, it works great. The song Only Girl works great with Steve Bannon files. It helps me understand the files. I just want to let you know that.
Holy Hell. There is no harm. Is there? I swear I've been going back and forth 1000 times over. My head is going to explode.
I'm sorry, I'm so silly. I can't think of things. OMG I'm so sorry. I am a foolish girl. First I poisoned myself with potato with sprouts on dem, now I forgot ze ticket. I'm so sorry.
What would be a suitable punishment? Fasting? Oh dear. Oh my word.
God's wisdom shines through the cloud and becomes my savior. Good Lord. Goodness. I swear I will try to be more worthy in the future. I swear. I will be more worthy. I am not this foolish. I really shouldn't be. Goodness. Oh wow.
Thank you. Thank you Good Lord. I won't let you down. Goodness.
I had one of those simulation dreams. Fully played out a scenario that prolly has to do what I've been wrongly to entertain in the past 2+ years. It also puts some other things in perspective. This really is a docile age is my conclusion. That's why so many people are complacent. And for those who speak out- there isn't a lack of them- unless they make change happen, so the end justifies the means, it won't be pretty. I feel like I've already expressed that yesterday, but it was fully played out in a dream scenario, so. I would fall so hard if I try.
But you can't look away, can you? The facts are conflicting both sides' ideologies.
Yeah I know, there are other things going on. I know, I'm working on it. I just choose to talk to you about this stuff, because it occurred to me I actually can't talk to anyone else about it, you know. For one, it's none of my business. But, it's like I said, how can you look away? It's so interesting.
Oh Wow. Worm Ouroboros is like the BEST fantasy fiction I've ever read. It boggles my mind how I only read it now. It's so, so great. I really want to remember who recommended it to me, they have GREAT TASTES.
Italians are brilliant. They too are a jolly people. I must look into this. I must study it.
I have concerns.
Fantasy about "Secret Service Agency"
Neck hurts. Stop craning over the desk.
You know, I... I thought about it over and over. There is certain cold-bloodness that's required for you to be not distracted. Maybe I'm more usual than I think. I admit some of it is not curiosity, maybe I'm stressed or tired. I would be. But it shouldn't stop me.
Penguins will cheer me up, for sure. North, West. Lake. Ocean.
Sort of Shards.
I'll find it.
When you look at it, there is too much happening in one day.
Fluid. Nothing is repetitive. Torture. I love this torture.
Far better than waiting. Far better than stillness.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Ah, Dear Diary.
I accidentally poisoned myself. I made chips with potatoes with tiny sprouts on them at least 10 times. They always develop sprouts so quickly, or maybe I just don't cook them frequently enough.
Fuck, I have to Google "where to store potatoes" now. Guess I can put them in the pantry.
I wonder... I wonder how much stupider I have become. It's not observable from my end, but if I have to say, I'd say much dumber. I can't believe I poisoned myself. So stupid.
Ah that sucks.
EARTH! It's great.
1. think 12 steps ahead
2. be there
Monday, May 22, 2017
Suggesting Google is not already actively fingering multiple pies as some sort of diversifying strategy. Yeah, of course, we know.
Are you glad that you're insignificant or do you actually want some justice done?
I'm sensing another nightmare coming tonight.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
But let's move on.
I never thought about it this way, because it's who I am. I haven't used Chinese in over 6 years, but it's like a switch to me. Whenever I do decide to speak, I still possess more and better vocabulary than 99% of Chinese-speaking population, I still know more about the history and culture of the vast land than the majority of them. It's just a switch.
But the other day when I was greeted in Chinese on the street again- would be annoying if I was Japanese or Korean but people will keep assuming Asians are Chinese, and it's a good bet- I figured it would be interesting to entertain if I was not a Chinese speaker to begin with. Spaniards are smart that so many of them are learning Chinese is also what I'm trying to say. They are also probably the least racist people I've met. And probably the most jolly people. Why are they the way they are... I've never lived among a group of people who fail to annoy me in 6 whole months before. - yet their optimism is not contagious... or I am immune.
All else being the same, I think I would be an idiot not to learn Chinese in this time and age. Whereas weeb culture prompts about at least one third (pulling this stat from my mind and ass) foreigners, probably 80% in teens to learn Japanese, the reasons to learn Chinese seem much more sensical. China has barely any cultural export despite the actual outpouring of flesh aka peoplez- and products. You have to be hella disillusioned to learn Chinese. You don't learn it because it's cute or cool, you learn it because you know the cold hard truth that it's the right move. It's like learning English. Not even a question. You just have to. Otherwise you are falling out of the trend, left out of the conversation, you can't keep up, you can only listen to what others regurgitate, and a smaht person don't like dat.
Note: if you want to crawl those ugly-ass Japanese forums so much, watch hentai without dubs or subtitle, or enjoy their finer lit (which is more respectable, of course), you can make them a pro-efficiency bundle deal. Learning Chinese will certainly help you read Japanese. But beware, always learn Chinese first. If you learn Japanese first and re-encounter some of the kanji later, your new findings will lead you to scream "THAT'S BULLSHIT!" inside. But if you learn Chinese first and Japanese later, you will have such private, enlightened moment- "ah, so that's how they pirated the word".
As of now the state is still quite raw. On one hand, Chinese are insensitive about information they spread be it on or offline. They blab about confidential information about their job or others' publicly on social media and at social gatherings, just because they don't think others can see let alone understand them. That's what's so interesting about these people- despite knowing there are so many of them, they think they are a closed community. They still believe language creates a barrier or secrecy and privacy others cannot penetrate. This is one of the reasons CCP won't loosen up on net patrol.
But the thing- the other thing is, sometimes they're correct. There aren't as many who are fluent in the language as other countries need right now. I saw this discussion about propaganda the other day- I'm crazy about propaganda- and it's basically this very poorly written report trying to sway public opinion on some stuff. This must be a headache. If you want to do any propaganda work now, the only way is to hire Chinese. Because others simply can't write believable paragraphs. In the long term this just won't do. If you want to rise to my standard, of course you can never do it. But on the flip side, if your audience is the Chinese masses, you face a similar dilemma. While you don't have to master the high vocabulary and elegant grammar I so require, the conversational variant everybody uses is a deteriorated one, resulted from being fucked many times over. It carries that certain something, that relatable vulgarity, that ill, based sense of humor that's not taught in any class but acquired by years of amassing social and political cues within the great Chinese landscape. It's not enough to surpass Google Translate, you have to have an innate, intuitve understanding of the people. That is why an exchange student who actually stayed in China for 10 months can speak better Chinese, and be more relatable than an academic who studied it elsewhere for 10 years. No joke.
Now that is pretty difficult. I do it in my head and imagine again- if I was not born a Chinese, but a national of any other country and I'm trying to learn Chinese right now, would I be able to grasp that something from outside?
You know what I don't think it's possible.
But at least I wouldn't be oblivious to what 1.3 billion people are thinking about. I could peek inside the bubble and see the unmasked debate about stuff they care about and stuff they're about to do. I would be so, so, so stupid not to. Like can you even believe. People are herded on two sides, the open Western front and the enclosed Chinese front. Not saying these sides are opposing, but can you honestly tell me if you have an opportunity to hop between them you wouldn't do it?
Come on. The country's playing a bigger role in everything and most people don't know jack shit about it. That's pretty damn crazy.
Can you imagine the day they open the floodgate... in the Great Firewall. Once the Chinese government mastered counterintelligence and developed adequate anti-espionage tools and protocols, once they have caught up on net technology and stabilized the market, they will release the people, virtually speaking. An exodus you've never seen before, because no one in the history of mankind saw a billion people flooding out, covering every major site that was once forbidden, every service that was contraband, commenting, creating, exchanging, transacting... at least half of internet will become Chinese overnight. Can you imagine the drastic changes that are about to reshape the digital landscape? Chaos, pure chaos. Any weak protest "but the official language is English" will be quickly buried under 2000+ backlashes from veteran trolls. Like you wouldn't believe.
I really look forward to the day the floodgate opens. There will be, I don't know, hatred and conflict. But it doesn't bother me one bit. All those migrants and students you see out there? They're undercurrents. There are unfathamable amount of of Chinese who are mentally restrained while the government is working on improving their material life. But there are a lot of happenings and you would be foolish to miss out. Whether your concern is economical or political, by now you know you can't learn everything from the outside. You have to learn the most developed language humans conceived of- you will know countless new ways to express stuff, and actually experience things differently just because you know better how to express them, like all those things you grouped together in your head but never felt quite right before? now you know you are right and they indeed have their own names that fit their attributes. You'll get better at describing things, but only to Chinese-speaking people. And if you work in propaganda, you'll have to learn the trashy version of the language, too.
Fun exercise, really puts things into perspective. There will always be retired people, mentally retired, and villages "frozen in time". But for those who participate in history - it's about time now.
What if you don't speak Chinese in 20 years? You'll be on the stupid side, of course.
Yeah. To recap, if I don't already speak Chinese, I would learn it so hard right now. Even if I'm not fond of it, just because it's necessary. Or, you know, if not for curiosity, as some sort of survival skill.
I'm kind of zoned out at the moment, not sure what was I...
Curious how the short bursts of energy don't lead to closure... or catharsis. Whatever is novel anymore.
Today I watched some Netflix trailers. It's a lot of shows, it's like Netflix is on steroids. But I cringed at every one of them. I had to stop every 2-3 to listen to Mackie Messer, not even the wonderful Louis Armstrong version- has to be the grim gritty original, just to scrape the disgust off of my mind.
The Netflix Original Shows are truly gross. It's a gut feeling. You can't rate shows based on "message", because they're not propaganda. So gut feeling is fair. I don't need to explain even, it's just gross.
All of them.
The other lesson, I guess, is before you commit to 150G of stuff you should always check out the sample first. Elementary grossed me out, too. I don't think that's a good role for Lucy. And Sherlock, please. Mr. bulge eyes is just what a whole lot of guys see themselves in their head/mirror. I can't even look at it. All the cast seem to be off.
I like Lucy in Kill Bill. I like everyone in Kill Bill. Two months ago if you ask me who's better, David Lynch or Quentin Tarantino, I would've hesitated. Now, for sure, Tarantino. Not even close. Did I tell you this before?
God, this feels like dementia.
Proof of dementia
I'm seeing how smart the younger generation is. Like I always said, I never disparage children. Hah, I don't have a single mother bone in my body... but I do, always, so clearly see they are better. Just earlier today I envisioned a near future where mind upload is an actuality. I asked myself- is it necessary to start all over again when a baby is born? Wouldn't it be great to skip all those boring hours at school where they make you remember stuff. And I wondered how will children interpret the world already equipped with facts. How will their wisdom develop based on all known knowledge? That's an exciting possibility.
Of course I'm open to if things go the exact opposite. I realized that the only way to make certain of reality is to create it yourself. Whether you are a simple man wanting to do woodwork or...
If you think a field of science is boring, or irrelevant, no sorry, even uninteresting, it's only because you are not getting it. How on earth does someone pick a favorite. It's not possible. When you see the utility in all of them, how they must combine to reveal the truth, there is nothing left but to condemn every second wasted on any other.
At the same time, trivia is a dark path I would never go down. I begin to dread to see the glow on people's face when they recite factoid about miscellaneous things.
Yes, everything is worth exploring. But given the rules, I can only pursue the most useful one to me, which is an ironic one... really ironic one.
I could be wrong. I could be very wrong. But when the part about learning is over and the part about doing is to come, I will see exactly what is actionable.
On the other hand, I seem to have lost touch with humanity again. I thought I got it back, or just got it- for a second, but apparently I have lost it all. It is very hard to see commonality in people. Now, yet again, whenever I point to some small wish I have myself , I would find it opposed by the masses.I don't know what to give them if I don't know what they want. And I don't want to give them something that repels myself. I honestly don't know if there is anything left in between.
Yes, the key is to find something we both like, everybody likes, and I like. God it's impossible there are so few of them.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
I got spooked a little last night.
You walk on rubber. You walk on soil.
See, I have no attachment issues. And I think if you keep it poetic enough, the passage is fine on its own.
I have spoken about calmness quite a few times haven't I? Well, I don't want to say that I have an anger management issue- the turbulence often... almost always occurs inside, but every once or twice a year, I do do something terribly irrational. And that's all it would take.
Next week is going to be... no the week after that. OK.
There is a clock, and it's ticking. If I don't acquire the Greater Context I... the Greater Context, the Master Context... I can't be a disappointment to God.
I know I must seem like a simpleton to a lot... some people, and that's fair, but I still have my share to do. After all, I don't feel them. I don't yet know when do they come into play.
The process is automatic. Once you acquired a chunk of it, it nullifies a whole lot of others. It's kind of like patent, in a weird way? Wait a second... that's a weird analogy. No. Just- "Once you acquired a chunk of it, it nullifies a whole lot of others".
Can you move as quickly as 10,000,000 people putting all they have together?
Is it the Holy Angle? "What is your angle"- the Holy one.
Tens of hours have elapsed!!
Oh wow I'm being really typical right now. Let me finish this.
at May 20, 2017
Friday, May 19, 2017
OH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY!!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU SEEING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU HEARING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIARY LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERE IS A!!!!!!!!!!! SYMPHONY CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can hardly contain myself.
I... I.. I was wondering where all the intrigue with Poland was leading to... now I know- God oh Glorious God. Your magical ways. You put Battle of the Nations on my doorstep and now you let me in on yet another treat.
Oh Good Lord. Thank you.
Mark the date it's 27-10-2017, it's October 27, 5 months from now. National Forum of Music in Wrocław.
Wait, is Paul Romero actually coming? Oh it's another fellow. Guess it'll be like a fan meetup thing then, eh?
Well I am stoked nonetheless.
I've never heard game tracks played in a public space before. That alone is enough to excite me. Also never met a Heroes fan before irl beside my childhood friends. Haven't seen them in over 10 years... though I'm not sure how I will react, if at all, when the time comes.
I'm just happy to go to this thing. If they play Heroes III Main Title, no matter how they tweak it, so long it's recognizable, I'm going to be so overflowing with joy I just might beam literally.
Will you please listen to the Rampart theme I'm listening to right now. The memory of recruiting pegasus as a 6-year-old is still so vivid.
Pegasus are awesome.
You know it's summer and I... I can't stop hearing Summer Plains playing in the back of my mind, it makes everything so... Summer, you know? I... there is no telling how much I love Heroes. I really, really am looking forward to this.
Well. The next thing is to consider whether to spend some more time in Poland. That can wait, of course.
I'm more interested in whether this is a sign of God approving the direction of my work or enticing me to differ. I did have a major breakthrough today; it carries great... or grave, consequences. It's definitely something God has a stance on. But it could be a coincidence also ... after all, I am just another die that God likes to see roll on its own.
I say my prayers and I am devout. Whether these gifts are signs or not, I am making headways. God has my gratitude and Fate is being fulfilled.
at May 19, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
What was I thinking? It's prolly the fucking music. Well, it's 4:00 am, totally quiet, the light is on me, I'm able to think clearly now.
Why would I voluntarily give up the very peace and quiet I need to live?
Why would I relinquish my privacy, the shadow that provides me with comfort?
Why would I lend myself to thugs and bandits?
This is fucking stupid.
This is the most direct way to ruin myself, not to mention, a direct violation of Fate. I can only hope I was under some sort of spell, that a powerful foe's wish almost came true. There is no "reasoning it out", it is simply the worst move I can make and I don't know why I was entertaining it.
17 layers of protection. I wouldn't risk it all.
I really, really, really don't know what was I thinking.
In addition I figured, the only time you should be addressing the masses, or interact with them, is when you have something to give. Do you know what I'm saying? File this under Life, you'll need it.
You can give them what they need- I used to think it's a gesture of the saints, now I know it's a move of a rationalist. But the reward is always greater when you give them what they want. You must give them what they want, which is to stroke their ego and can take a thousand forms, but only then do you interact with them.
No, never, ever, under any other circumstances.
It occurred to me what I had planned was not quite that. Perhaps opposite.
Do you want to make others feel poor, dumb, ugly, slow, unappreciated? Nobody. Nobody wants to make that move and nobody wants to feel that way. But it happens, and it's the source of many unhappinesses.
As far as I'm concerned, it's a redundancy. There is much more emergent things at hand, I cannot believe. This time I wasted on considering the previous, I do not know how to make up for it. I'm just glad I didn't jump the gun this time, there would've been no turning back.
So please, remember well: the only time you need to be interacting with the masses is when you have something to give. You do not make them feel poor, stupid, unappreciated. You do not make anyone feel that. Please please please remember people have feelings. Please be aware of what you are doing to them.
You will have allies, of course. Just look at history. But this is not the way to stoke fire. Patience. And Diligence.
Praise God for saving me from yet another life-threatening mistake. Hail the Glory of God and the Magnificent Signs. The Holy Road extends. Those far become near.
Thank Good Lord.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
I have never received legitimate threat in my life, however I have been prepping for it for as long as I can remember.
I've had fallouts with people in the past, up until second year in high school, because of my flippant attitude. After that my flippant attitude has adopted an angle so not even that produces friction anymore. But deep inside I feel like people will have all sorts of reason to want to kill me if I made a bunch of stuff public.
It's Thanatos. Sometimes I feel like I'm Thanatos, you know what I mean? Then there's times where I'm taken by Thanatos. Boy I miss Georgie, I too am an entropy fan. How can you not take actions when there are actions to be taken? How do you not dwell on opportunities furiously, because you want to make violent changes (even good ones) to the world? Drastic, violent, overwhelming changes that take hard money, sweat, time and blood, so exciting, isn't it? I'm fatally attracted to opportunities and hard work.
But the thing is... God there isn't anyone who comes second I can direct it to. I have to think so very carefully about this. So very carefully. Because you can do it once. Just once. Yeah you live only once also, supposedly, but to throw away safety is pretty asinine, isn't it?
Barcelona is not livable in summer. Why is it that 23C feels like 30C?
Risky business to be out and about 11am-7pm. It's nice to see beautiful buildings everywhere though.
I've noticed that I've been calling myself "dumb fuck" in the head a lot lately, and it's saddening.
Yeah, true. Whatever did I do today.
I'm telling you.
The concept of "loyalty", anything that's pure investment with no return, unlike curiosity, which is a risky promise that sometimes has the biggest returns- can only be adopted by those who can be fulfilled by the mere gratification of holding it.
But I am a romantic, that's why I do the things I do.
Oh I haven't updated the music page in a while. I begin to realize that each day is loosely linked to the next. The passing of time in itself really has nothing to do with human beings, you have to look at the events. Loosely linked I tell you. Finishing up yesterday's to-do list.
Oh it's pretty hot out.
This looks like a rampage but today is..
I have an idea, is it right that-
Women hate people being childish/often describe rude/annoying/inappropriate behaviors as being immature and childish because traditionally they have to take care of children so much?
Is that right? Cuz when I look at it, some of the behaviors are plain wrong/sketchy/annoying but not necessarily "childish" like there is nothing that suggests that but most women would describe it so. It makes light of the issue more often than not.
Just a thought.
Wow, all of her music videos have like a gazillion of views...
And that song is called ET? Oh now I know. I heard in the mall before.
Wow I mean it's not like I would otherwise mistake her for an indie singer or anything but now I know.
Now I know Katy Perry, Adele, Taylor Swift (not really, can't name 1 song/don't know which one is hers I just know she's popular) and Lady Gaga. And Britney Spears!
Aren't you amazed at how resistant I am to Pop Culture? Like people say it's so toxic but if you ask me if you don't pay attention IT AIN'T THERE.
Oh I know Miley Cyrus also. And the girl who sang / played in the video Anaconda, she's like curvy and black? But like golden black like she has glitter on or something?
Willful ignorance works.
Oh I also know Imaginary Dragon? They are the one who did the music video in a dank basement about sparks or something? Oh wow I almost know 10.
Avril Lavigne. Can't pretend I don't know Avril Lavigne, though that's from over 10 years ago.
That's pretty much it. Cool!
Sometimes you are proud of your ignorance on certain topics. This isn't one of those times but it's so funny.
Edit: I saw the ET video because I finally decided to look up Kanye West and that was the most popular video even though it's only a "ft". But now there is a "Duke" no "Drake" character and I can't tell them apart and I'm just letting you know I'm not investigating anymore.
Monday, May 15, 2017
I need to seriously reconsider cooking my own food. I made spaghetti today, about 100-140g I guess. It took me 4 hours to eat.
I need to eat small portions from now bit by bit. I feel like I'm filled up to my throat. I probably really need only very little. I kind of beginning to understand why people choose to eat only berries and whatnot when they can. It's small and nutritious and quick.
I'll see if I can survive on berries. "Survive", yeah sure. I mean, relatively healthily. Yeah I see the reason to renounce carbs, I always thought it's insipid because it's always these insipid people in movies, or in Hollywood irl who say they do this type of thing. Or when they try to go on a diet. But maybe it has practical reasons. Because it doesn't take over your body for hours. This is fucking expensive, I can't be eating a large meal like this at home ever again.
Yeah fruit sounds great. Not trying to be faggoty or anything. They're just quick. And you can control the portion. I don't feel like cooking anymore anyway. So.
Sorry for the inane post. Still trying to decide which way to swing it. I think it'll work better without my face. What they say is true: know your strength and weaknesses. Sadly while my face is a plus, showing it would be a negative. I will not be drenched in deep regret. God would want me to stay in the shadows. I shouldn't spoil it for a little diversion.
I read an article by Curtis Yarvin aka "moldy bug" because how sensational the title is.
Noam Chomsky killed Aaron Swartz
(it's 4 years old so)
I get triggered a little in the traditional sense when I see "Aaron Swartz" especially when people are discussing who killed him. It is still mildly scarring that in another article they said his girlfriend didn't get him down when she found him. Of course she's not guilty or anything, it must've been horrifying. But thinking that there was a slim, probably 0.0001% chance that he could've been saved is...
Anyhow the real reason I stumbled upon this Curtis Yarvin aka "moldy bug" character was actually another article about Peter Thiel, something about transhumanism, then it mentioned someone called Nick Land, and Google says "moldy bug" is a similar character to Nick Land? Anyway that's how browsing goes these days.
Boy this article is very wordy. He draws some poor analogy with trees and drugs, like idealism is bad for you. Boy oh boy, but he's jerking off to the riches of his venture himself. Why can't people express ideas simply these days, you know? Why does he have to throw around Latin phrases about pitchforks?
Ayy all the cow business though. I'm actually enjoying the nice 1968 Oxford Latin dictionary these days, the first actual word is actually abactius, (of cattle) stolen; abactor, a cattle thief n abactus, a stealing of cattle. lmao
Anyway, what moldy bug is saying is basically he hates Chomsky cause Chomsky prolly made a whole lot of money selling liberal ideas to green Youth, "underdogs" who proceed to fight for ideals against powerful "overdogs". "Overdogs" is red-lined so you know it's not even a word.
Well I remember reading Chomsky for the first time. When I read "the United States is the biggest terrorist in the world" I was like oh wow! What a spicy way to get a point across.
You shouldn't be discouraging idealists, man. Or writing someone off because they might have made a bit of money selling "blue pills". I bet if "moldy bug" is financially well off he wouldn't mind it at all.
Plus, jellybeans aside, this is not at all all Chomsky is doing. "Selling blue pills". Chomsky has merit. It's not a blog post. His books are actually well thought out and provide clarity and guidance to people. There is no misinformation. Ideal is not misinformation, nor attitude.
Don't bash idealists.
Interestingly he supposed if Aaron Swartz got Exxon files instead no persecutor would go after him. I had to pause and think for a few seconds. H'why? Because we all know big corporations are "Third Reichs" like he so describes and don't respect them? Or going after someone who expose's their shit wouldn't paint you in a favorable light in the eyes of the public? But if big corps are really powerful "Third Reichs", surely they will get to him themselves. There are real life examples.
It's sick and morbid to say Aaron Swartz dies in both scenarios. There's no changing the ending if he decides to commit suicide if someone is relentlessly coming after him. I'd like to picture an alternative where he doesn't decide to kill himself.
"Moldy bug" supposes similar thing will happen to Assange also. Why'd he stop being cynical- even though I've only known this character for five minutes? No no, Julian Assange is very different from Aaron Swartz imo. On the surface they might be doing similar things- making information public and accessible, but grouping them together is just people's compulsion to categorize- they can't give everybody an individual space in their head. Not enough space.
But anyways I don't think so.
But overall it surprises me that I didn't wince once reading it or find it retarded at all. Reading random posts is actually pretty excruciating. You have no idea how many opinions, expressed with length and conviction, are riddled with rudimentary faults. So you know, this is actually a pretty legit person.
Urbit is pretty cool.
I don't think PR is remotely their biggest issue. You have to know PR is different from marketing though.
I gotta take out the trash!
Edit: Oh damn, I was just noticing now the first name is "Mencius", my great forefather nonetheless! lmao I was only looking at "moldbug". This is hilarious. There is no other Mencius right? OK. lol
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Saturday, May 13, 2017
God helped me correct a mistake today. Goodness. Thanks.
And about the thing I said yesterday, I know where it went wrong. I don't like hurting people's feelings actually, it's about the last thing I want in human interaction. So in order to not hurt anyone anymore, I will refrain from letting them get in contact with me. Every time I stray from God's direction I fail. The people are fine, they are really fine. I just really don't need mediocrity in my life.
I dug myself out of it. Hey, now that I have expressed my sympathy for others, maybe we can focus on my hurt feelings. Well, I don't have hurt feelings, just boredom mostly. Annoyance derived from boredom. It's amazing how you can become aggressively bored.
I plan to attend church regularly next week. Boy it's not like I have a bunch of free time but this is one way to utilize it. People... People...
I feel like, for ordinary people, most people, the less you know about them, the more interesting they seem. Nobody has unique problems.
Lots to sample.
Some people are under the impression that WW3 is going to be about the rest of the world vs Islam. First of all, it's not possible. WW3 is never going to be about Muslims just like WW2 wasn't about Jews. They might be casualties and victims but it's just not the sort of interest that incites warring. People don't fight over people, people may persecute people, but people only fight for things. It's very important.
But let's entertain this. Why is it impossible? You can't erase a religion like that. The only way for an idea to go away is for it to be forgotten. Going to war over it is like the best way of preservation. Those people don't see that. Similarly, wait not similarly, but on that note, you can't exterminate Muslims. Not only genocide will never be approved anymore ever again in perpetuity, you are never going to find people who are 1/8 Muslim. What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? Just that their great parents believed in Islam. But they themselves can't be 1/8 Muslim. You are either a Muslim or not a Muslim. You can be a Muslim on weekdays and a Christian on the weekends. Most people can't cope with the mental gymnastics nor do they have the interest, point is, it's a belief. There is no "Muslim blood" or anything. It's not in the genes. You literally can't "identify" this shit.
Are we the only generation who hasn't seen large scale war? Can you imagine. That the last large scale war is already over? That there will never be another world war on this planet? Does that sound realistic to you?
Forever peace sounds romantic, even if it means neverending mediocrity. I... don't know. I really feel like the best time is long gone. Cause however better life is going to get, on those measurable scales, there is less and less beauty, lesss and less grandeur, and less and less ingenuity. You really going to measure the success of a civilization, a society by how quickly package is delivered to your door, how many bitrates that streamed entertainment, the various home improvements? The filters on a small or big enough phone? Pills? Robots? Flying cars? Aren't they all human-centric horseshit. Nobody has ideals anymore. It's all customers, accountants and vendors.
I know this now. The only noble science is that does not concern itself with humans.
This earth is one chance. Humanity is not going to get a second chance on Mars.
I'm not calling to protect the environment or anything, I'm genuinely curious. I can't fathom a war-less world, as in, in this century. It's not our nature. And it's humanity's nature to go out with a bang, like a supernova.
Good news is we can already do God's tally. God will know after this one experiment is over how well or worse we fared compared to others. Holistically, holistically, let's look at things holistically. Let's live on a different plane even. Just so it's clear.
Do you see anything and everything.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Wasted a bunch of time with unattractive retards today. There is no nicer way to put it. Why bother? Why bother even in my fucking diary. This is my fucking diary damn it. I don't have to preface it with "they're nice". They're desperate, and desperate people are always "nice".
Before they turn murderous or pathetic of course.
Oh my god, they're so stupid. There has to be genuinely something wrong with me that I let these Goddamn stupid people get in touch with me. It's the disease of wanting to appear kind and down to earth and blend into the masses. I'm telling you it's a fucking disease. Why can't I stick to the things that work for me? Why am I opening myself up to these fucking people for the off chance that someone might surprise me?
God Goodness God it's too much stupid. So so so so stupid.
These people with their stupid fucking quirks. Look at what peace time breeds. Complacent people with stupid fucking quirks. Stupid fucking hobbies and their mediocrity at it. It's not even possible to show them contempt because they don't even register it. Maybe I'm too subtle. I am polite. But Goddamn nobody takes a hint. You go out with someone on April Fools and never text them back and it takes them a month to catch the drift. Others don't sense the boredom and hostility in my speech and continue to enjoy the conversation. They take you for granted as a source of information and entertainment. Well I fucking don't enjoy the conversation and I always find myself scramble to shut it off ten back-and-forths in.
Can you imagine. Can you imagine- that someone not only has to put up with the mental stalemate, but also has to fucking touch them at some point? God that's disgusting. I'm glad it's just a picture attached to some words. God I can't imagine listening to the voice. The less I know the better, though they seem to think the opposite. People have no self-awareness when desperate.
Enough of that. Every once in a while I get stupid. This has become very expensive. There are some worthy things needing attention, and those worthy people who made those things are going to have heart aches knowing their work isn't getting the attention it deserves. It's my bad.
This is definitely my fault. I've seen others make this mistake constantly but I've made this mistake too.
I am very sorry.
at May 12, 2017
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I never looked into BDSM, didn't think it was "my thing". Yet I learned a whole lot about it today, and something tells me "it's time".
Just like it was time to experiment with lesbianism when I was 20, now it's time to try BDSM. I've always loved roleplaying, and I immediately identified myself as a "Dominatrix", if we have to choose in various roles in BDSM.
I guess this is one of the things that once you learn about them, it sticks with you. I suppose for the next week I'll be wondering if everyone I see is into that sort of thing. Maybe a month, though my interest is not intense. Definitely won't be longer than a month.
I learned about facesitting today. That seems fun. I've only sat on laps and had others sit on my laps before, so I don't know how much of a jump it's going to be.
I guess I had seen strap-on somewhere before, but today is the first day I learned that you can fuck a man with a strap-on. Women have been fucking men with strap-ons for a while, I know. But I just learned about it today. You cannot believe how much of a prude I am. I scrubbed the definition of "dildo" in my head, so I never really knew what it is, just reflectively laugh every once in a while when it appears in jokez.
I am very serious about this. Clearly, it's purely for pleasure and otherwise a meaningless activity, which means time is again of the utmost consideration. I think I can find time to try it once. But, in indefinite future.
Anyway, I want to make it clear that to honor the knowledge about BDSM I learned today, and the sure fact that I will continue exploring it for the next couple of days, I am naming this week the Week of BDSM. It does not mean I have been practicing BDSM all week. Just in case I become "into it" (doubtful) in the future, this is where it starts, but not actual practice.
You know, it also makes me wonder. What does freedom breed? What does liberty, free time, open choice- peace time create for people? What is it to us as a species? These recreations, videogames even, sports- I have gained new appreciation for it- all lack certain seriousness, and I firmly believe we can only progress with that seriousness. Is it true that humans will transcend in times of leisure?
God's graces shine upon us all, and I wish to learn its designs. Oh that's right, by the way. I didn't get Civ: Beyond Earth, but I took a look at its tech tree today. Now get this, it's a mess. Sweet Lord. Third degree connection between bioengineering and genetics design, collaborative thought far apart from swarm intelligence, neural uploading in the field of AI, Artificial Evolution as an outcome for the organics... I'm sure people have extensively criticized this. Have people extensively criticized this?
Now, now. I'll admit that I've only read Bruno Latour and God know who else in college, for a course, but clearly you can't map stuff like this. I know, it's a game, they ain't scientists, but this is like the selling point of the game. This is like, what Civlization is about. It's great that they attempted this, but it's not very exciting is it?
If you read MIT Technology Review, or some other journals whose articles haven't been substituted with lowly Pop-Sci or factoid, you think you'd get a pretty good idea of where we're heading in the future. But no, I have to disagree. I think we are very much in the dark. I... people like me are doing everything in our power to bring about the Outcome. I have faith. I respect those who have faith.
In the face of such profound challenge, such exciting potential and such majestic quest! - how trivial worldly pleasures seem... I may be into what I found today, but I'll skip naked time for the greater role any day.
New thought: if not to make a baby men and women can totally have sex the same way. Why not. What's weird about a woman fucking a man from behind? Nothing. There is so much misconception about sex even though I don't know much about sex. I'm not a sex expert. All the sex experts sound fake btw.
You'd think there is a learning curve to this thing. No today is my first day being exposed to such concept and these are the conclusions I arrive at. I don't need to make LGBTQABCDthe.rest.of.the.alphabet+ friends or frequent gay lesbian trans drag queer pubs to understand and appreciate these things that's how logic and common sense works. Work. plural.
(I checked - my face is not sharp enough I still look borderline cute but in no way fierce or sexy so this isn't going to work for me,)
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
It's all Yosemite Yosemite Yosemite Yosemite Yosemite Iceland Grand Canyon Grand Canyon Grand Canyon Yosemite Yositemite Yosemite Oregon Yosemite Yosetmite Yosemite Yosemite Yosemite Washington Yosemite Grand Canyon Yosemite Grand Canyon Canada Yosemite Grand Canyon Grand Canyon Yosemite Yosemite Yosemite
Like FUCK YOU.
Today, I learned that the average bra size is 36C.
I am 36C.
I didn't think I cared about it at all before... I don't, but, but, I guess I was somewhat secretly proud of myself. I thought 36C is on the bigger side...
It... calms me? eventually, knowing that I am totally average on everything besides God-Given Gifts.
I should not have any problem with it. Average on this is good. OK.
There is a little lingerie shop called Oh Baby near Trader Joe's in Portland and I got some nice choice there. Now, I'm not sure what style should I buy.
Oh it's so very... to even talk about in my diary. It's summer. My hair is longer now, and since I'm finally saving it up for a true pony tail, I can't show this mess anymore. Guess I'll have to tie it up whenever I go out. I don't ever want to curl it again, it looks ridiculous.
You know, I really enjoy dressing properly + having unkempt hair. But it is summer, and it gets hot.
Good Golly. I think Publishers Weekly Review is great. Should always check if someone has done a review before opening a book. Saved me a lot of time the other day.
I was actually looking at pajamas. It annoys me how the women's nighties are always so sheer and not comfortable. Why do you even need sex appeal even if you are married or something. It's like, you are going to bed, who cares? I envy so many men's pajama sets. They even have better pajama sets, that's what I'm saying. Clothes don't have to be form-fitting all the time, it's so annoying.
Given the fact that domestic living is very important to me, and to enhance the peace and calm I feel at home, this is a big issue.
I am a puzzle giver. But the puzzles have been tame. I realize that it is a passion of mine, and kind of my preferred way to communicate. What's better than a game or a puzzle? It's fun, it tests the intellect, there is a sense of fairness to it.
Yes, I decided that I really like creating puzzles. Maybe riddles, too. Maybe not. Clubs would be so uninteresting without meaningful contact. What, just a relaxing space? Go home.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Question for you:
Why am I stupid?
Answer for you:
I don't know.
Anyways. Things are changing in my head, and maybe my heart, which is just referring to another part of my brain. And my complexion! And my hair! Goodness, did you see that shine even at 4am? Why do I do so many things at 4am? And my sunburn is recovering well.
Oh wait! That's not what I was trying to say. I mean, could it be this beautiful country, or just me growing, progressing into such time and age, I don't know, but I realize that... is it possible that I actually like the world? Adore it? Goodness, it would've never crossed my mind.
The idea is gross at first, but I have to entertain it. I used to be hyper-critical about every place I've visited, but now I find myself appreciating all of them. Seeing the similarity in them makes the actual differences more understandable, for some reason. So.
10 hours later...
I think my jealousy just peaked. I just found out... it occurred to me just now some people... plain people, just for having the same interest, can get the best of both eras, they have been... there are people like those throughout the history. I can't even talk straight rn.
My jealousy. Everybody talks in terms of "timeline" now. Well, ok, timeline. This timeline sucks. I mean, no offense to God, but this timeline sucks for me. There is pressure I put on myself, my duty, the trouble I already have to circumvent by concealing a whole lot of shit, now this? Come on. They can just... they can just simply do this. I can't ever. Not even under any guises. Oh My God. Why?
I am jealous, so very jealous, and angry. I want it. Goddammit it looks so good. I WANT IT.
It wouldn't be historically accurate.
I can steer the world into a new direction - if I devote my life to it. It blows my mind these people are easily living the lifestle that... which... if I had, I probably wouldn't even bother changing the world.
Is that a bad thing?
What this told me- while I can appreciate it- is to be very careful with regressiveness, and about living in the past. History, history. We're all fascinated with the glamorous side of history, mesmerized by the romanticization of it. I need to keep my head clear. Fundamentally, it's ideas, abstract concepts that can pass for Truth that count, not lifestyle or cathartic releases.
Though as a human- I am a human, after all, jealousy is part of it. The less than complete emotional package I'm born with. A lot of appreciation, a little bit of hate, a whole lot of annoyance and a bundle of jealousy.
Honestly, dear diary. Every day I feel no other than these emotions. Desire, Strong Desires, Fantastical Desires, jealousy as some by-product, constant disappointment, then good feelings such as small wonder, absolute deadly calm and assuring arrogance. On an average day, there is really no other.
So I'll work on the issue, not let it get in the way. But I feel difficult moving forward knowing that I am deprived of such an interesting thing. I think it's a sign. If it's so easy to them, then it must be wrong. - To some degree. That's not the way the world is going...
Yes, there are more important things. Things that concern people, and more people care about them. God would want me to focus on the right things. That means letting go of my personal interest, which is really, really, intensely attractive to me, but irrelevant to the world. God this is hard.
No. I should not be jealous. Though it comes so natural to me, I must, I MUST scrape it.
Praise God, may I have strength.
Edit: I opened a window at 4am and there is a smell of lavender on the street. Most surprising. This town is great.
Monday, May 8, 2017
I repotted it. I feel... no I am personal responsible for the buds that fell off. I feel bad. Then I trimmed most of its roots because they don't look healthy. But then only after I saw a video that said I prolly should not do that. I am torn.
I really, really want the orchid to live, and blossom. The little buds are killing me. It's like watching a pet or human starve. I watered it but the water just escaped. Goodness, I hope I repotted it in time. It's surprisingly tiring and time-consuming. Look at the time. Goodness.
I care too much. So much. while there is work to do. Goodness.
Lord have mercy on the little plants.f
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Deductions based on loose analogies should be taken with a ton of salt. But not all things and problems follow a linear logic do they.
Every time I listen to Silent Hill soundtracks...
I'm not listening to it now.
There are so many choices for everyone. So many ways to live. I've always, always, always looked at people as a bunch of dice. In the metaphorical plane, all spread out, rolling, and, which point is the stop? The definitive point of a die, is very well before death. When does the die stop rolling?
Therefore there are a lot of noises. Coming from everywhere. Which is why maintaining peace and quiet is so important. But. I live in the city center.
Should I trust the authority of the respective scholars in the data dump? It is a trove of treasure in my opinion, but it is a data dump. I can check their background, but I have yet to have found a way to inform myself of reliability of their research. I can't be too skeptical. At the end of the day, the most powerful tool is the very much intrinsic reasoning power, plus data. So anything that isn't data is subject to...
The knowledge of unscrupulous practices in research science makes my head hurt. I don't know if the... the margin of error should have decreased over the years in all fields. It's the impression that.. no no. I have to trust something.
That said, businesses are opening and closing. If you don't want to leave "half life un-lived", so to speak, maybe it's time to consider the left-hand path.
So to speak, so to speak.
at May 07, 2017
Friday, May 5, 2017
I am a silly turnip.
If you look at Facebook and Twitter. It's the simplest thing I think a lot of people overlook.
At Facebook you can have 5,000 connections, beyond that everyone will have to follow you. At Twitter you frequently see accounts with over 100K followers. You can follow people on Facebook, too, but it isn't the same. So people end up setting up pages. It's not very good.
Because Facebook is nuts about personal data. They demand your realest personal data and they hoard it. They disbanded my account 3 times now, I don't blame them, cuz all the names I've been using. Some of them don't even look real.
But in rare, rare occasions like this, it feels good to have an one-on-one conversation. I guess humans need closeness, that's why Facebook is still more popular than Twitter even though in my opinion Twitter is better than Facebook. Google still hasn't given up Google+, but they should really know more functionality doesn't mean better usability.
At the end of the day, I never feel comfortable making home at some website where I have to worry about my account or follow their rules. But it's nice to know things are accessible. I imagine if I grew up in anywhere but China, this stuff would be essential. Actually even then I'm an early adopter, sort of. I was there around 2007, I think. Wait. Maybe this hasn't anything to do with where I grew up. All the connections I've ever made, I had no intention of keeping up with them. People are always sort of transient to me. That you should keep in touch with people you know in the past for the fact you know them- never quite makes sense to me.
I guess it's OK.
But for now I'm back on Facebook for a bit. I don't know how Facebook determines you are not using real personal information. All previous suspensions were without warning, I barely ever post. But I'm using my real name this time, well in a "few" years. So it's kind of a big deal. It's pretty ridiculous to think someone over there, or some algorithm, can take away all your connections and history. For that I will never "put my heart" into the platform so to speak, really, I just mean "time".
But, yeah. OK.
Praise Good Lord for indulging me for a bit today. Thank you.
at May 05, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Look at these life blocks stacked on top of each other.
Pretty interesting that a whole lot of humans have adapted to this new spatial existence.
There are so many of them. Look! Here is a neighborhood over here... and there is a neighborhood over there. It is as though I'm seeing it for the first time.
Oh, the stacking.
But when I was in Shanghai, or Beijing, and saw the skyscrapers, I did not feel such aversion toward stacking. Well I was only there for a few days each time I went. Let me think. Yeah, I think it's going to be extra sickening if I were to ever live there.
All sorts of stacking. When you go somewhere, you have to stand in a line. That's stacking. All sorts of rank within a small group of people. It's no way to live.
Mega rank is pretty cool though.
A neighborhood, or a residential building, does not have function for the outside. Don't make me look at such useless fucking things. That is why I don't enjoy "just strolling around". How terrifying it is to live in a neighborhood where there is nothing but residential buildings and corner shops and some small, unimpressive park. Just so people can live.
So they took my DNA samples in hair, blood, flakes and eggs. I got progressively more and more bored during the process. Are they a research center or some DNA storage company?
I suppose they will put it away with a bunch of others, some day they may do stuff with it. Or not. I say good luck- I suppose this is one of those "for science" things, eh? I told them very clearly what they are probably looking for is not in my genes. And those "scientists", being raging atheists, of course scoffed it off. They're hopeless.
Life is something I have to consider for myself. All these new lives, the proliferation. There must be a purpose to it. Each addendum is an opportunity, not for themselves, or humanity- but for God... a new chance to explore the question.
I am fond of "miracles". It's just we can't see past our ignorance.
I know me, but I don't know God... that well. I feel like a lot of things are happening, and I am involved from time to time, but except those times, I am so removed from it all. I wanted it, so I can see the things that are happening clearly. It is so difficult to try to understand God.
God. A lot of praises.
at May 04, 2017
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
BTW, this is a dessert I invented last year. It is an instant classic. The magical dessert, it's so refreshing. It's cool and tender, the key is the juice. I don't have access to the ingredients to make it no more. It tastes so good. I will make it again some day when I get all the stuff.
I don't like taking photos with my phone even at home, but I thought I should fill the space with photos, recent or old, so I don't have to look at the same old indicators anymore.
Praise Good Lord, today is over.
Technically, it's a new day already. So.
I can't get over how many people I get right now. This new... knowledge, sympathy, no... empathy, whatever you call it, is almost sensational.
I used to say things like this a lot: "I don't get those people/this kind of people" and just write them off as a whole. I guess it's easier. But once you do understand people, you... this is new to me. All those people that "didn't exist", all of a sudden make sense now. It's weird being able to understand them. I guess I'm too perceptive... or sensitive, if that sounds self-congratulating somehow, and judgmental. Being judgmental is hard work. You look at someone, or something, and you can't just take it for what it is- you have to figure it out for yourself whether you like it or not. Not all judgmental people voice their opinions, those who do are known as assholes. But it's really an instinct and an impulse for the self. And not only you must take a stance as soon as possible- that's the least important- you also must wonder about implication, a lot of times seemingly remote yet profound- this thing or person has on you.
If you write it off you don't have to worry about it anymore. Or say "ok" and let it go, but I don't think that's how it works. The negative is often the default. Maybe I don't have the power of positive thinking. Except that I do, and I only realized recently- that I have always been ultra-positive and an extrovert. You must judge these things based on action and feedback. No matter how I feel, the facts are I am an extrovert who never enjoys hanging out with introverts, and my feats are all done because I have total disregard and zero preparation for failure.
How does this happen?
I sink into these thoughts.
I probably shouldn't say anything. It's a sensation. I suppose most people feel it, pass through it, and get on with their lives. It's amazing how people can do that, don't you think? They can kill someone, and think maybe a few hours afterward: so I'm going to prioritize eating before thinking about this thing now, because I'm hungry. And once they start eating everything seems alright again, and they get on with their lives. Or picture a mother, just giving birth to her child and focusing on the moment. It seems so specific, and all the abstract yet concrete changes that come with the new life do not enter her head at all. People do the most incredible things and they all move on. It's silly to jump to the conclusion that "nothing has meaning" from there; some "philosophers" do- a lot of ancient philosophers don't necessarily know more than modern day peasants- and they get praised for it. No. It's incredible.
This entity... this collective...
From the beginning, you know nothing. Then you immediately learn to breathe, to look, and to walk. I think, if you have reached a point where you have all your questions answered, which luckily for basically all is impossible, your life should end now. Those who die by others, it's written in their destiny. Those who kill themselves, they are bogged down by emotions, worldly struggles, a general loss of hope. Neither seems right, but what is a just death, anyhow? And perhaps neither is this, but the end of life isn't necessarily corporal. You don't even need to argue whether this is from a dualist or not. The death of personal purpose is the end of the individuality, and the purpose of mankind is to get questions answered.
Yeah, we do a lot of things when we feel like doing them. Even great things like giving birth or killing people. But I always see it as sort of a question. The impulse is, "what if I do this right now?" Selecting one food over another -"I wonder what this taste like more than that". Bacon lovers, their tastebuds don't sustain the taste of bacon forever. So they need frequent reminders. Is it a need? Nobody needs bacon, particularly. The liking is a form of curiosity, in my opinion. If you are curious about the taste of your own piss, you will drink it. I guess the difficulty is "you can't be curious about something you already know". But that is what "nostalgia" is, I think. If that's the wrong word, just "something you want to learn/'get answered' repeatedly". A recurring question, a question that renews. All the things people do to impress others, they wonder if they still got their charm.
I see life as a huge list of questions and answers. The emotions... are a lot, but they are byproducts. The physical beings... all vessels, metaphors.
Do you live in reality, or the abstract world?
This sensation will wear off. Time... Time will always tell. Isn't it amazing that God has created all these parallels?
A giant machine may know better than any of us. But no machine, no number of them will be as insightful as God. The lives are for God to see, for you and I can only see so little. I wish to see what God is seeing. I hope to know what God is asking... I want to know God's question. Yet, I only know... I think I know... the Answer is in us.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
That's right, I'm silly.
What I thought was due to wind or cold, sorry "cold", was actually due to sunburn.
17.4% body fat? While I'm binging on ice cream? Not too bad, not too fucking bad.
I've had enough ice cream though. I ate about 4 per day for two weeks so, there is a threshold for everything. I'm into fruit now.
I know, none of it is important.
I'm still dwelling on lessons I have learned in the past three days. It's really good to have a role model.
God even gave me two packs once, but then it took it back. I distinctly remember 3 years ago waking up one day and finding out I had two packs. Like right there, but below it's not too pronounced so I don't think I can say it's a six pack. I was honestly so surprised because I have horrible diet and life habits (to this day), and I genuinely thought it may be fat. But why would fat appear in the shape of abs am I right? I actually went to the doctors and they were like lol you should know when you work out and expect the work to be paid off one day. People called me "fit". It's bizarre. I never... extremely rarely exercise. So I had this God-given abs for 3 years until one day God took it back. I can still get it sometimes like at an angle, but it's generally gone.
And I have no idea how I maintain a 17% body fat while binging on ice cream. I have no idea. I walked 2 hours per day for 3 days, and my feet's got blisters and I'm drained to 10% HP. I literally have to rest. I don't know why I look so athletic.
// I can tell the temperature when I'm outside, but only if it's 21-23C. If it's above 23C, it's too hot. If it's below 21C, it's too cold. If it's 21-23C, I know because I'm alright, and I can sense exactly the alright-ness in cool (21C), comfortable (22C) or balmy (23C). Graciously, the weather had been GREAT during the weekend, especially the morning after it rained. I had a great walk. On a side note, I didn't notice before there was a huge! Huge! Like 3 stories high thermometer thing attached to the building on one of the main calles near the Plaza. That's so interesting.
But once every two years (literally) I get a burst of will to train myself for strength. This happened now. Once the blisters are gone I'm going to start. I have always been super active (as in going to places) in summer and I think it will work out nicely.
Praise Good Lord. I behold God's wonder and miracle when I look in the mirror. How can someone be this fragile and appear so healthy?
at May 02, 2017
Monday, May 1, 2017
Today is one of the HAPPIEST DAYS in my life.
I am bleeding, but my blood is boiling with euphoria.
I am filled with gratitude and appreciation, and a whole lot of things that were just opened up to me. I have gained immense understanding of humanity. I am excited. And I...
Praise Good Lord, the All-seeing God and its Divinity.
at May 01, 2017