Sunday, April 30, 2017

Praise Good Lord

It came again right on time, but it don't hurt no more.

Thank God for mercy. Praise Good Lord and all its holiness.

Saturday, April 29, 2017


Praise Glorious God, the divinity of all mighty and holy. It's a dream come true.

Thank you for this experience.

And while it's weak of me to retreat in the afternoon, not being able to weather breeze or pre-summer sun, I did so to keep the plan at work. All hail Glorious God and all its grace.

Praise the Good Lord.

Good night.

Friday, April 28, 2017


Sant Gervasi is a pretty nice neighborhood. I love the greenery. But unless there are some secret events hosted in those red brick buildings, I can't imagine it's much fun living in such neighbohood. It's just families... people living their lives behind closed doors. I'm much suited for downtown where I can go out with friends who can identify hookers by the sole of their shoes or some faraway island with nothing but greenery.

But Sant Gervasi is nice. I said it.

I went for my teeth cleaning, then getting the tickets for tomorrow, well, the next three days. Principle is kind of getting in the way of pure cardinal pleasure, but I kind of figured that's what principles are for. Anyways, the last item on the list is to get dental floss. I went back to the store again. I came out with ice cream in 3 flavors, strawberries, this chip I'm always seeing, and whatnot, just not dental flossing. The sole purpose was to get dental floss.

So what about tomorrow, eh?

Things are losing their features. WIN10, Chrome and some other Google products, yeah, Alphabet products, are buggy now. It is strange. I hope they don't mess up Gmail. It's like you can't even have the simplest thing working. Regardless of whether I can or not, I prefer not to go about the complicated way.

That's what I wanted to tell you the other day. My finding. I find that sometimes, if it's a speculation I'd say most of the time, people don't want the truth, or facts even; they want simplicity. And only at a fraction of that sometimes, I can relate to that. So if this is a boolean thing, I can relate to that. So that's why I'm telling you.

And who says it's wrong, am I right? All good explanations are simple explanations. Truths are often very simple. Simple is great.

Sorry about the brain freeze. I think I'm going to get through all the flavors before June. Ice cream, how great. I care about cows' wellbeing.


I was browsing the marketplace last night like an asshole, and it gave me many ideas. I found it's not so true that you can "clear your head" while walking. You know how they always say "I'm going to take a walk and clear my head" in movies? It doesn't work that way. I can barely think when I'm walking, which is probably why I forgot the dental floss. But nevertheless, I took 2 hours walking and mulling the ideas over.

They are really bad ideas. At one point I clearly thought to myself: these ideas are conceived because I'm power-hungry, but these aren't bright ideas. No. They won't work. If there is one lesson I learned from last round, it's that you can't design something just because it's superior, you must follow how people like it. Humanity. Must keep in mind humanity.

I will never look down on humanity again. It is so important. Humanity is very important. As a tool, a language, a medium, a thing- that helps you accomplish things. Must understand humanity. I find it incredible that some, if not many, if not majority, if everyone but a few, if everyone but me (!!!) understand it intrinsically. How bizarre is that? I'm trying. By God I'm trying, though I know if it's all up to God, I don't have to, which is why there is no pressure.


I want to take the time to applaud Wynton Kelly. A good one in the pack. Indeed, why waste time trying to figure out new wave musicians when I can enjoy obvious talents?

Oh, Good Lord. I almost forgot to tell you about the morbid dream with the bathtub. Then I remembered the one where mother killed me.

It's not real.

Praise God and all its Glories.

Good night.

Thursday, April 27, 2017


Thank God for this blissful day.

Rain is absolutely beautiful and soothing.

The double chocolate M bars are great. The economic white chocolate bars from El Corte Ingles itself is not bad at all either. As you can see I'm totally full. I curled up on my chaise and covered myself with a wool blanket and I read the interesting column. How nice.

Thank you.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Childhood Crush

Dear Diary:

I saw my "childhood crush" while doing my quick grocery shopping today. I immediately wanted to tell you about it. There must have been another Japanese tourist group just getting here. Too bad it was raining and gloomy. I love rain btw, and it's still raining as I'm writing this entry, it's so nice. But such weather tends to force tourists into shops and stores. I was in the cheese aisle and this kid was pushing a shopping cart that contained his two brothers, or friends- hard to tell, they're about the same age. Just trying to have some fun. Our eyes locked for one second, but it felt like something happened. An undercurrent, a subdued shock occurred. It hit me- he was whom I dreamed about as a kid. It's as if my old self had inhabited in my head... took it over for a second, and like lightning some thoughts flashed in my minds. Like I could envision myself being with this kid as a kid ... all those years ago, when I was so little.

And in the same second our eyes locked, his expression changed and he stopped what he was doing, and I knew it hit him, too. Like he knew "it was me" but I don't know what am I to him. However I had been dwelling on some heavy stuff in the day and I just wanted to get a few items and get out. So after the prolonged second I was myself again, and I only wondered where his, or their parents were, as I left.

I went to the ice cream section. In about a minute, the kid showed up again. Still had the two other kids in the cart. He sort of tilted his head behind them and gave me a meaningful look. Kind of like the dreamy, wondering look he had while looking up straight at me when I left the aisle.

If I ever had a type, it was this boy... when I was his age. I'm grateful that God gave me this encounter. I wish my old self would know. This boy who followed me in the grocery store and giving me fateful, morose looks.

This type, it's so specific. There is something emotional in there, it was probably the second most familiar "vibe" following meeting my own doppelgänger, which I'd feel very uneasy about.

Curiously, I have already forgotten what he looked like, and even though the old memories were being recalled, I did not linger.

Praise God. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

a warning

Divine intervention appears in the form of uncanny driver issue CLOCK_WATCHDOG_TIMEOUT sometimes.

Just as I was getting close... it's untouchable!

I really, really appreciate the use of classical music in games. It's interesting. Back then there was strictly "videogame music", then games like Heroes ventured to use opera-like tracks to accentuate the epic-ness. Then devs actually integrated real classical music. Now they're experimenting with pop songs as theme scores. It's come a long way. It's great because if it stays fuzzy enough I have a context for the whole genre. I'll recall the screen at the back of my mind and I'll be able to enjoy new music.

I said film is probably the most powerful art form there is, something along those lines. There are only a few videogames that qualify as "art", but when that's the case, they are truly a hundred times more compelling. The things you can learn and experience from them.

I'm sorry for being a raging disappointment today. Whether I deserved it or not I did catch a break.

That's it for now.

Praise God.

Good nite.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Marilyn vos Savant Has No Touch With Humanity

My last hit was "xkcdhatguy=xkcdhatkid=insanity!" Since I didn't port any of the old posts it's not around anymore. Maybe in cache, but anyways. It was a foolish kid with grandiose delusion and that's pretty much it. One day I was told he actually has autism, while autism doesn't explain why someone is delusional and retarded, like these are not wholly directly related, I'm not interested in "exposing" an autistic kid.

But Marilyn vos Savant is something else. Certified high IQ genius with decades-long column w/ Parade. Her problem isn't that she's a retard or delusional- the latter is a bit nuanced but I'm here to explain. To some extent, she is not wrong, but it just grinds my gears when I see someone without basic decency.

Now I know it's interesting because I already said I want to see the world burn. I just want to make it clear that I'm not on some moral high ground here. I am about just as culpable of the same thing I'm accusing her of, but because our opinions, more importantly, our natures differ, I can't stand it. It's like I like color blue and hate people who like color red. But with her, she's like uniquely insufferable, so I have to do this.

Right. So back in 2010 or something, Marilyn actually responded to one of my questions submitted with an alias. I found her answer to be ridiculous at the time; only after years of growth did I see the truth in it. It came from obvious reasoning by possessing a broad scope of life. I was impressed. I was doing that thing you shouldn't do when you are impressed: overrate someone on said basis.

The other thing you shouldn't do is writing someone off on one excusable offense. I'm still working on that as well.

The subject matter was politics, which I learned is something she wants to take on herself. When someone says they want to go in politics, that's when their opinions become wildly definitive. Now this would all be for nothing if @VirtualMvS is a parody account, but I don't think so. Here she outlined her opinions on current events and political slant. She is obviously an elitist, you can tell by watching five minutes of her interview or read a couple Q & A involving social issue or lifestyle, but the important thing Twitter also reveals is that she's a raging nationalist. I think supporting Trump does not speak to one's intelligence, but definitely speaks to the fact that one's a nationalist.

So if we could digress for a while, in this sense, there is, or should not be, any stigma attached to being a Trump supporter. Being a nationalist is a sentiment, or a collection of attitudes long predates Trump's candidacy. Trump did not introduce such slant. He may have magnified it, but that's exactly what they want. If the American people want to understand one another, the first thing they need to do is stop seeing people at other camps as anomalies. They must see each side has their own valid arguments and concerns, and defend their own on that basis.

Similarly, I understand why Marilyn is a heartless elitist bastard, and my aversion sits on that solid basis.

It would be great to see an intelligent person who has sympathy for the world for a change.

But for now, Marilyn vos Savant is someone who completely embraces the capitalist ideology. That would make her reasoning flawless if this was the dawn of capitalism or the "halcyon days", but unbeknownst to the genius the world is changing, and capitalism has reached its last stage. So her values are outdated, and like a gay-murdering conservative, her "mere opinions" are not so innocuous anymore. She is used to this "high level thinking" that is the traditional perspective of the ultimate capitalist: today, it represents the same group of people and institutions who hold both money and power. It's the "masters of the universe" mindset that trivializes everything else in the universe. Someone who subscribes to this ideology is bound to have a toxic superiority complex.

They can still be critical, methodical and analytical, but without a tight grip on humanity, a core value that is not intrinsic to capitalism, their reasoning is misguided.

See how immediately she takes United Airlines' side and does strategy for them. Psychology warfare psychology warfare!  She suggests an immeasurable, undependable solution to the problem- guilt the consumers into giving up their rights. She attempts to weaponize such vacant concept as "peer pressure", which doesn't exist among a bunch of random passengers, and proceeds to demand a subservient, (flawed) consequentialist approach to life from any consumer, a no-lesser human being. If I don't know she's a genius, I would think she's a retard. Since I know she's a genius, this has become very clear.

She just don't care.

What's the one difference that matters between United Airlines' standard procedure and Marilyn's awesome solution?  The money. Now the airline doesn't have to pay a dime to get their way. They can do whatever they want for free!!

This money the airline saves does not go to Marilyn's pockets, no. But capitalists believe that as long as they have each other's back by fucking the masses over, the money they collectively make will come back to them. It's money-laundering in broad daylight.

So you see, Marilyn vos Savant is rotten to the core.  Above is just one example, there are numerous tweets attesting to this. I still adore her, but it's disheartening to learn she's like this.

Side note: people like her can actually have a successful career in politics, if they aren't taking such a hands-off approach.

You know who I think will hit it off with Marilyn? Martin Shkreli. Though that one is pretty self explanatory and does not need a hatchet job.

The thing about geniuses is, they have no morals. Well, they rarely have morals. And their rabid, albeit few fans don't help them realize they have lost touch with the world. It's disheartening to think about, and I know, "why can't they be like Michelangelo and paint anymore?"

Well, everything is tinged with politics nowadays just like it was tinged with religion before. No matter how small your voice is, it matters. Sometimes, when common sense wins against such toxic minds, I think it's a good thing.

Praise God. May humans be more tolerant, care for and get along with one another. May lightning strike all of them dead along with all their creations on and off this earth.

Coventry Black

I went to a red door pub for live music and performance w/ my grand new friend O. She is a delight.

It was definitely a hormonal dance, I can tell you that.

The argument is: it's true that Flamenco originated from Andalucia, but one cannot be dismissive and say there is no authentic Flamenco anywhere else. Andalusians travel, you know. And where there is an audience there will be performance.

Still, I believe the Flamenco I will see in the south is different from what I saw today. It was a passionate dance though, like I said, fully hormonal. They all sweated through two changes of clothes.

O had a boyfriend who's a drug dealer. Which means I'm now a second-degree contact with a drug dealer. That's exciting.

Let's think about second-degree contacts. It's pretty broad.

The jazz player is pretty talented.

Praise God for this day.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I choke

Praise God.

I dreamed all my family in this little shop. I was buying flower and water sprinkler for mom. It's a store-restaurant complex. By the time we left it was late and dark, and there was a flight to catch. I forgot about the stuff. I went back to fetch the things.

Then in another dream dad and I argued. Dad choked me to death. I distinctly remember looking down and saw his hands locked around my neck and I felt difficult to breathe. I remember "dying". It was so shocking that I woke up and never fell back to sleep.

It's a rare occurrence. In my dream I fall, I get chased, I see a lot of things, but I rarely get choked to death by my own father. It only reminded me of how much he hates me. Or on the other hand, on a more positive note, the fact that I have distanced myself as much as possible. I quite often think consciously whether this or that trait of myself, this or that habit I have or thing I do is affected by my father.

I'm old enough to straighten things for myself. My aversion toward academia is not going away. But that's not all.

By the end of the dream my thought had completely drifted away. Academia is just a corner of the vast world I hate. My disdain for academia- not science, mind you- may have something to do with him, but everything else, that's on me, and the world.

I'm trying so hard. I try to be tolerant. I tried. I am still trying. You have to believe me. My values have been established a long, long, long time ago. It is not compatible with the world.

Clearly, there are other approaches I can take. I do have a comfort zone, and I am very reluctant to leave it. If it has come to that...

They say you have to have the ability to attract talent, and I am certain that the applications I received are from those so-called talent. But let's face it, there isn't so much talent in the world. Good looks, on the other hand, in comparison, is abundant. The ratio of attractive people to talented people is about 1000:1.

That's my conclusion.

A moralist will say the first rule of a moral life is to not see people as means to an end but an end itself. There is so much myth about everything.

A normal person to me must seem deranged to ordinary people.

I don't think I'm ever taking off this mask.

Because everybody is busy, nobody has time to pay attention to little details. So people like me can treat this with efficiency. But if you look at the broad landscape, it's still pretty startling. The fabrics of people's lives... ultimately, that is what's being judged on. Not mine. If I'm an outlier, mine doesn't even count. Do you see? I am not delusional.

No. God's biggest judgment is passed on humanity and not any individual. God may bind a select few with a unique fate, but the bulk of society will always count more, as it should. I know how trivial I am in the grand scheme of things, but that's one thing that makes the whole game interesting.

You see?

I know exactly what my place is. I know the majority dictate the game. I agree with that justice.

History always favors one kind of people, or so it seems. So long you are a human, humans' chosen one is the one that matters to them. When the candidates are different, it's Men's Chosen One VS God's Chosen One.

Men win Unless...

Friday, April 21, 2017

Venir... El hombre de Barca

I always think it's cool to be a patron of a city.

The idea is appealing to me.

We're talking about St. Jordi here, of course. It is said that 4/23 is Saint Jordi's Day, the day to honor the patron of the 15th century and also the regional Valentine's day. Me, being gay, of course will not take part in it. It also coincides with St. George's Day, St. George being a patron of England. According to legend, St. George slayed dragon and saved a princess. Now this is a story I can get behind.

The city is great for an alcoholic with its assortment of bars and pubs. But I have to remember to get a corkscrew. I wanted to buy some cheap white wine to cook risotto with the other day and ended up getting good wine by mistake. Today while I was cooking I realized I have no wine opener, which is why I am not inebriated.

Anyway, that's 4/23.  Today is 4/21. I ate a bunch of white chocolate vanilla almond ice cream, tell me if that isn't the tamest flavor invented.

Other than that I've been exposed to an article about burnout, and me being impressionable allowed myself to buy it. Let's face it, I've been a disappointment these days. It has dawned on me that sooner or later I will have to hire again, and the mere thought of it is draining to me.

I also came upon an article about stock trading. I've never looked into doing it. I don't think I can do well in that area.

Is Spotify high quality streaming as good as FLAC or APE? No, it's not lossless. If you are paying for premium, it's better be for discovery.

Dear Diary, I don't want to come across as a cynic, or entitled, or misguided, but I don't like the world very much. The more I dwell on it, and the longer I dwell in it, the less there is to like. It's not a general pathos I have been arguing that I have identified in the majority. I kind of want to give up on that now. So what if one sentiment is commonly shared among others or not? I don't come in contact with them anyways.

I realize that my duty and priorities are to observe, record and create, not get involved in currents that already exist. It has been hard to do in the last couple of years. There is a restlessness in me not even the tamest ice cream can smoothen. I know I only have one chance at everything, and some things are mutually exclusive. Time is my only advantage, and I would be a fool to not use it for planning... should I decide to disobey Fate.

Thursday, April 20, 2017


A day was taken from me. I'm thinking Tuesday.

Who needed it?

Last night's dream. I was having a formal discussion on the issue of "worker's compensation rate" and inflation. I went in with a lot of conviction, but I don't remember the details now. This was simple, I read an article about it earlier in the day.

Then there is the second dream, the atmospheric one. I was in this Arab state by the ocean, I was attending middle school, and it was as though I'd been born there, or at least very familiar with it. My teacher wore a gray and white Iranian turban. I distinctly remember the large yard in the school; it was so lush and green. The grass against the ocean. The school was built on a dam like isle, the end of a peninsula. It was summer. I went there and saw the school was gone, and there were long tables in the yard with long benches to match. It was as if they removed school and replaced it with those... it was like a new school setting. A summer venue. A summer version. That reminded me the school closed for the summer and only those who needed catching up needed to attend this outdoor session. There were only two students there, they weren't too happy to see me. I saw my teacher pacing around in a white robe, saying things to himself. Then I left because I didn't need to be there. I just miss the green yard against the mesmerizing blue ocean. It was all so soft and... dreamy.

That one is inexplicable.

There's a third one, I've been meaning to tell you but I forgot as the day progressed.


You'd think something accounts for a third of our life has more attention devoted to understanding it, but it seems people think only waking life counts as life. If I remember the dream, then I'm conscious in that time, aren't I?

I have some more thoughts, more things. It's far more important than my dreams... I need to consider carrying my note with me all the time, even at home. A pen and a piece of paper must be within reach at all time.

Praise God for this day. Good night.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

tropical tunes

Dear Diary:

I got into 10 millions of debt in my dream last night, not sure which currency.

I have a feeling it's about the post I wrote about Wolfna and the gif of the ice hole fish I saw the other day and the ocean post I wrote yesterday. When I present something nicer than it is aka betray my heart, my conscience disagrees and manifests in dreams. It must be it.

Before I tell you, just remember there is no "why" in dream itself.

I was in school and Wolfna is still my friend. I got this incredibly colorful fish, so scaly. I wish I can describe the colors to you adequately, it's like a thousand chips made of cathedral stained glass yet reflective of the deep ocean. Its tail is incredibly hard and red, almost like a shell of armor.

I put it in a blender for some reason along with milk and cream. I blended the thing but it couldn't all be taken apart, the tail is too tough. I drank the mixture. This is like an in-n-out sequence. I drank the creamy raw fish mixture and I liked the taste.

Now the scene switched and I'm in this school-aquarium complex. I wanted to stay after school, like till dark, and sneak into the aquarium to make a documentary about fish there. Wolfna offered to help. So we went together, but she stuffed coal into the penguins. It was hard to watch, and of course, 6 penguins died.

Now I had signed some papers earlier saying the operation is all me, because Wolfna was supposed to help me on the side as a favor. I had no idea she was going to do those nasty things to the penguins. So the next morning school told me I had to pay 6 millions for the penguins, and I had accrued 3 and some mils of fines elsewhere. It totaled to 10 millions of debt I had no idea how to pay off. Meanwhile because there is no paper trail leading to Wolfna, just the fact that she's guilty, I remember this distinctly: she's only fined 6000.

So the scene switched again and I have the blender. I didn't want to see the fish's head but I think I saw it in the cream. It came out. The gaping gray mouth with fang-like teeth. It was horror. I felt sick and paralyzed. It occurred to me the fish was some ancient forbidding creature. I don't know why such a hideous head is attached to such a beautiful body.

I feel like there is a way to explain this dream, but my conscience told me as soon as I wake up to delete the Concert post. So I did. A price has been paid.

It's highly possible that I love the things I say I hate and hate the things I say I love. I feel like finding out which is which is the least I can do for myself.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Why do I suck at cooking

I don't get it. I tried to make fried chicken for the first time today - from scratch. It's a total disaster and took twenty minutes to clean up. Do I have to get a fryer?

Or I'll try something else. Let's make mushroom risotto tomorrow. I have everything except mushroom. I'll get it.

P.S. I think they moved the sugar rack. I have to look for it again...

I "found" the beach today. I'm like, THIS is the beach everyone is raving about? I can't believe it. It's not even as good as the one in my hometown.The sand is coarse, and, is there rubble in it? There is rubble in it. Unbelievable. Oh wow. This is THE beach. Incredible.


I remain an Ocean's Child. When I heard the waves and saw them rushing to the shore, one after another, I tried to feel the oscillation. I took in the smell. It is not Pacifics. It is the Mediterranean. There are some quirky sand sculptures over there, with candles lit in them.

I used to have problem finding the beach. It's on the part extruding into the ocean, so the dock/pier with yachts is on one side and the beach is on the other. I went to the dock three times. I get disoriented as soon as I go over there. Barceloneta is pretty removed from downtown, I don't know why W is all the way over there, like at the end.

Anyways. Very underwhelming beach quality, but a beach nonetheless. I am an Ocean's Child, I go there.

I asked myself if I could live not near the ocean. See, I was born inland, I thought it's great. But ever since I saw the ocean, things changed for me. I think that as long as I have a choice, I should live by the ocean. Cause you don't see stuff in front of you. There is no structure, no nothing. The vastness and emptiness is so calming. It's easy to say that: oh, I'm a nihilist, that's why. Maybe it's just because I'm simple. I turn around and there are streets and shops and people and dogs, stories of buildings, things weaving into each other, happenings in places, packed. But the sky is its totality, as far as I'm concerned, so is the ocean. It's doing its simple thing, but there is profound change in the making. How can you say it's not great.

Creamy mushroom risotto. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thank God for today.

Monday, April 17, 2017

A Day Has Passed

Praise God. Thank God for giving me this day.


You can always take pleasure in feeding a dog. The dog ate and is glad. It makes that satisfied sound and looks happy with life.

I'm so sick I might vomit, though. There is so much doubt in my head, like a seed that had been planted germinating... it's scary.

Taking comfort in meaninglessness. I don't think I can do it.

I guess there is big fun, then there is little fun. As ridiculous as it sounds, I haven't found little fun. The big, it comes with responsibility, and oath, and certain burden I must bear. Little fun is supposed to be pure, simple, totally selfish.

I have an idea.

Sunday, April 16, 2017


I took a cold shower today. I believe it's the first in God knows how long that lasted under 10 minutes. However I'm fine. I hope the thermo gets fixed tomorrow. I can take a look at the electrical box but I honestly think it's closer to the thermo.

I have a concern.

Last night's nightmare felt like the beginning of a schizophrenic episode full of persecutory delusions, if only I did not talk about it days before, or if only I was not susceptible to my own suggestive notes...

I honestly might change my end game. It's shifty... I get shifty images.

Whatever the fuck it leads to I guess.

You have to choose: nature or civilization.

Tall ceiling.

No. When I have something to say.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Do Your Thing

1. NKB underway.

2. -

I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what I can tell you, what I should.

It can't be about work, it can't be anything important enough that I should talk about anywhere else.

Feeling is pretty useless. I might not have that much feeling to share. Feeling is temperamental. It's temporary. I always forget.

I can't take you with me when I'm out.

I'm not one to endure the fatigue of a party, I can tell you that. People can party till morning and dust off and go to work. I need 10+ hours of sleep to compensate for the HP lost.

Will there be a day when every thing works, though? Can I stop expecting maintenance to be done for this or that? Can things stop needing to be fixed?

I used to feel like I live in a vacuum. Everything else isn't important, it's just...

I hope I can still do that. Truth is, I have a deep fear... it feels very real. It's probably the only feeling that has been consistently present throughout the day, and even in my dream. The various nightmares are all tinged with the similar, familiar horror... it feels very real.


So much of it is just us not letting.

I'm fine.

It's steering one way or the other, there is no stopping. And I need to know, there is no turning back. The small number of us are pivotal, to God, and to history, maybe, hopefully. If the world is as large as the one I'm seeing, then I've seen it all... but that's exactly how I know it's not. There is a broader landscape that needs better investigation skills to scout out.

And, personally, what I want stays the same. When I was little, I wanted to see the world burn, and I'd be a hero to its rescue. If I fail, at least I get to see the world on fire.

I've come to realize that it's not some complex they tell you in books. This desire is actually very common. It's not particular to any group of people, just humanity in general. How fascinating.

People disappear all the time. I wonder what trace we leave behind. If, at all.

Traces, traces.. only terrible traces stick around.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Master Override

Short circuit.

Dear Diary:

I don't feel like...

It is stupid searching for "humanity". I already knew where it is, so searching outside of it is just... I'm sorry. I have a tendency to present the world in an idyllic light.

I've learned that we are all full of contradictions, so by all means, I should be more forgiving.

But I'm not going to pretend I don't understand something I know too well, just to, what, create some sort of distraction?

Then "normalcy" is not normalcy. Right, there is no normalcy. Semblance of balance, maybe. One day. Maybe all things will be functional one day. That's not an issue.

I'm going earlier today. I feel like I finally have my old self back. This... can't be mistaken.

Thursday, April 13, 2017


I think it's one of those things. I have to go to a late night showing of a weird black and white film, preferably produced by David Lynch.

Walking past Sagrada Família at night. Watching Sagrada Família at night.

The moon looks so small in comparison. And the pieces of church were lying about. I touched the stone. It was smooth and warm, not cold at all.

All the energy I have reserved for this review was exhausted on my way home. I was strolling the streets at 2 am, just a few darkly dressed characters out and about. We'll see if things change in June.

I was worried that I didn't get Lynch. The person who recommended Twin Peaks to me could not to this day explain it to me. Saying "watch Fire Walk With Me" doesn't count. Plus, I watched it. The more this story goes on, the more pointless it becomes. The mystery dispersed, and the room for imagination became so claustrophobic. Yes, the red curtain room is a claustrophobic concept. It makes the coming of season 3 less appealing in my eyes.

Lynch's films are not hard to understand. The plots are simple, lean and few. Where the difference in opinions arise is the interpretation of the meaning of the films. Some argue they're all deeply connected to the filmmaker, which would take away pretty much all their merit.

Here is the thing. I think filmmakers have the best tools. They command arguably the most powerful art form there is. Just think, they can go out there and capture all the sounds, they can enlist the best of any other field to work for them, they get to manipulate humans as if they were props, and there is so much magic in the editing room. Even a mediocre film should be breathtaking. And surely they should all be independent from the filmmaker's personal life.

That's why I'm constantly underwhelmed.

This film has a totally different message than Rosemary's Baby, but for similar subject matters, Rosemary's Baby has done it so much better.

Once the film ended, the words appeared in my head: this is insult. I have watched an insult.

I dislike the exact thing people like about Lynch, and that's why I'm confident I get it now. There is no confusion anymore. What they find plenty I find too little. I feel like he didn't convey much with this powerful medium and he didn't do its justice.

David Lynch isn't a good filmmaker. He is a serious filmmaker, but not good in my book. (I still don't know ANY good filmmaker.) I don't care how outlandish it is. I had doubts before watching Eraserhead, but I am certain now. I don't need to watch everything to be certain- Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive and Eraserhead are more than enough.

For me, Lynch has showed a narrow worldview. His films are bogged down by worldly concerns and common annoyance and trite motifs. I am aware this is exactly opposite of what people celebrate him for : surrealism. It is incredibly tame and boring to me. People can heap accolades all they want, cite their own reaction and generic ambiance as sole evidence for its merit. I'm done. It's just one person done. No hype or analysis will make me change my mind because it's so painfully obvious.

I guess for the time being, I will always have trepidation putting down what is perceived as great stuff and second guess myself. But this concern never deterred me from finding out for sure. I will always be honest with you. I must. I have to.

Also, good for David Dao standing up for himself and inspiring another wrong man to come forward. The Hsieh/Xie case must be instrumental in giving United Airlines the punishment they so richly deserve.

P.S. it's still worthwhile to let Lynch educate people about common sense stuff:

This I can get behind.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

36 - 42 Range

Latitude of activity.

Dear Diary:

I think I have said enough yesterday. Probably too much. I was hoping the Spanish spirit would affect me so I could tone down the harshness in my speech, I mean they are such a jolly and optimistic people, but I guess this is who I am. I won't take back a single word, but I don't feel like discussing the subject again anytime soon. (A price has been paid.)

Ultimately, the truth is that if the people don't embrace you or don't appreciate the effort you've made for their wellbeing, you leave. I left, and I won't go back. I still love these people, they are still dear to my heart, but I have to remind myself not to do anything rash or risk myself on their behalf. That's stupid.

Now I pray, but I don't wish. There is a significant difference if you think about it. Wishing is pretty superficial and weak. But nevertheless, best wishes. I've actually given all that I could give and that's not enough and it was given at a wrong time, apparently, but there are so many bigger fish to fry. So let's move on.

I also have to keep in mind to keep it light. I'm supposed to talk to you about flowers and whipped cream. I don't know why I said whipped cream, something to eat. Getting into great shape. Top shape, if you will. That's called for.

And I don't use this expression often, actually at all, because it's weak and sexist, but in this very context and for the one and only time, and just because I want you to know: I'm never getting a cat again, it's a pussy move.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017


A post was here.

Now a price has been paid for discretion.

Monday, April 10, 2017


A post was here.

Now a price has been paid for consistency.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Vayaron Fan Art + Future of Heroes

I have made some effort into creating it, but not in any way that would expose myself

Actually I will make an exception and import this for sexy Vayaron. Dungeon is the best faction in H7. The lack of Inferno makes it dull. I rest my case.

I haven't touched H7 in six months, except for Trial by Fire which I played through for the sake of the story. So maybe now my head is a bit clearer.

The future of the Might & Magic franchise looks very grim. When a strategy game stops being about strategy because its AI sucks so much, there isn't much hope for continuation. As I said at one point before, it now feels like a RPG rather than TBS- since H6. There is not much innovation in gameplay. They don't... I hope more follow Sid Meier's rule of the thirds. With more tools than ever, why wouldn't you be bold?

I feel like games, the form, is being used to showcase non-integral stuffs these days. You can have a gallery opening with the concept art, you can throw a symphony for the soundtracks (that's what the FF show is about which I'm not going), sometimes they have more merit than gameplay and therefore are kind of independent. For another example, I've been enjoying Mobius and The Farewell from Metro: Last Light these days, looping them twenty times every day, but I do not plan on ever playing the game. This is one of those very rare cases where music stands independently from intended context, it's ironic.

Procedurally generated maps, randomized open world? Okay. Next gen graphics paird with AR? Not bad at all. Low poly models that look like high poly with mocap animation and spotlight textures ready to go? Cool, cool, cool.

I just want to know- where is the game at? If it's an experience- call it an experience. But I want to actually play something. Do I have to move my Witcher 3 piece as well? I think what I said is pretty much common knowledge now.

Game should never be draining. It should be invigorating.

I wish I could play H3 forever but even that has its limit. Sure, gameplay wise it's on a different level compared to its successors... well it has no successor in that sense, I just mean MMH. I maintain that Armageddon's Blade is the best.

But it's time. I need something else. There should be something else. When they are done with Freemium MMOs or shitty inferior mobile tablet games, I hope those with a modicum of talent and intuition for play will forego their fat compensation package, filthy spoil from exploiting sad little humans who can't handle anything but repetitive. Come on.

I noticed the big chess pieces in the courtyard the other day. That's new. However I am not ready.

Anyway. A good AI programmer must be in high demand these days, like you wouldn't believe. Every company needs one, because obviously none of them have one. Point me to one game with decent AI shipped in the last three years, you can't.

Giphy - BotN

GIPHY is pretty cool. It's handy.

God is very gracious to me these days, though I have my doubt. How come every time I wrap up what I'm doing around midnight, the last piece of information I come across always leads me down a rabbit hole?

I guess I was on some sort of spell the other day. Who has time to honor nostalgia when there is so much to do after Spring? I checked the event calendar and I figured, let's be realistic. I can't go to a concert or performance each week let alone every other day, so let's pick those look most interesting.

And I was right, by the way. Let everybody enjoy what they enjoy. If the idea of a rock concert doesn't even look appealing on paper, I really should not bother.

But anyways as I was getting through the calendar of this month I saw Battle of the Nations. It's going to take place in none other than this very city this year. Who would've guessed? Not me, not me at all.

I actually debated about this, not whether I should go or not but after... and I think this is right. Though I don't like to admit, this is Euro-fawning. And all my Euro-fawning stems from the Elizabethan era and previous, Renaissance in particular. But any blatant admission will counteract with my mission. I should it keep it to myself. Then it's just a fun thing I can tell you about.

Yes, yes this is right. I can go off here about as much as I want, but I have only one chance to...

A nice piece of fish

I have never had smoked mackerel before. I saw it in a Russian food store today and I got it. I remember a store like this in NYC called Russ & Daughters and it was in Louie.

Oh wow, I would not have imagined it. It's something new totally. The skin looks like golden foil and when I ripped it with my teeth it felt like tearing away a plastic wrapping. There was oil seeping from the fish meat and it was incredibly chewy. It's a salty food so you know it's meant to be preserved, actually I'm not sure about that... but the texture was incredibly fresh and muscular. It's a solid piece of fish. I stood in the kitchen and ate a quarter of it.

It's a wonderful thing. I wouldn't eat any other meat for the day if I plan to eat this. It's overpowering, to the stomach, I mean.

I also need to find out how much water my body needs each day. It's good at keeping it. I had one glass of smoothie today that's about half milk and half bananas and every form of liquid I drank after that compelled me to go to the bathroom within twenty minutes. I wouldn't be able to get through all the tea I've been hoarding...

Anyway, that's it for the food talks. I'm a simple guy. Frankly, the banana smoothie alone is enough to sate my appetite.

Yep, I will still call myself a guy from time to time. "Man up". Stuff like that. Go with it.

Oh that reminds me. This girl was hitting on me the other day. It's so fun being a guy on the internet. I know there is a lot more attention the other way around, but from experience, it's so much nicer to receive come-ons from girls. Maybe it's just new to me, I don't know. I don't care but it's interesting when it happens sometimes.

I don't have the emotional capacity to be either gay or straight, but it's interesting when girls are attracted to my persona. Their nudes are safe with me. I think it's cute and endearing.

When I was younger, whenever I saw a smart, successful, attractive man, I wanted to be him, not be with him. This is important. This is my natural reflex. I don't think that way, I think this way.

With girls, I have a lot of appreciation and fear, but rarely much of a rapport. I think the stereotype that girls are mainly invested in Love business gave me some sort of relief. I felt like if I make it clear that I have no interest in that business, there wouldn't be any hostility and I would have a solid foundation for friendship. I follow that rule to this day. I shouldn't complain that it works, but I am a little bit saddened. Yeah, there is some feud going on among women about other things, but it's absurd that romance is the main conflict of interest among this species.

I just wanted to tell you about a nice piece of fish, but the stuff I told you after is good to keep in mind also. I know I wanted to tell you that at one point, too.

I'm not oblivious to the glaring troubles in every sphere encompassing us. But like I said, I'm a completionist. If possible, I'd like to share my thoughts with you when they are final.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Nightmare Consequences

A post was here.

Now a price has been paid for good dreams.

Friday, April 7, 2017

There and back again

I have never used MySpace. I don't know what MySpace is.

The first blog I've ever owned was on 163, I think. It came with the mailbox.

Then I had Baidu. I was in first grade, I believe. Internet was after games. A few days later I heard of Google, and it's been helping me making some of the biggest life decisions ever since. I never looked back. I have never used Baidu, not even as a search engine ever since the first day I went on It's been almost 20 years.

Actually, exactly 5 years ago, I created my 3rd Blogger blog and typed the same thing. Only a few months afterward I migrated again.

I'm back only because Blogger's got some fresh new looks.  No wait, there's a lot more to it.

Dear Diary:

Are we fine with the fragments of this life being kept in different places?

I'm fond of new beginnings, but this fondness now is not the same as it was. This move isn't about a new beginning. I believe this is the prudent decision on account of a number of things.

Collectively, I have archived 360+ posts in the old blog. They average about 400 words per piece, so well over 100,000 words put together. I will import none of them.

Except the calendar. Or maybe the menu, too. But not the bulk of text. I think it's ok. It's no less of me. Time is too precious, anyway.

You may think you are a diary, but truth is, you are alive as long as I'm alive. You and I, we are both living things.

I do believe this is our last move, though. Let's enjoy our stay.