Saturday, August 31, 2019

Why are you being gay about it

I'm not being gay about it

this post is entirely pointless

Tuesday, August 27, 2019


It rained for an hour or so today.

I have a lot to tell you, then I feel like I shouldn't. I won't.

I know I'm in denial, somewhat. I can't help but seek out what I kind of want (but definitely can't have).

No. I will abide by the rules. This will go away.

I am only human. Of course I have human weaknesses.

I should work on those .

From mastery to conscience. From detail to abstract. Is it an evolution? Or do we always strive for the unattainable- or at least difficult-to-obtain when we've grown comfortable with what we have?

What does Art highlight ?

I feel like the world is closing in.

I've thought about it.

Soon- SOON!  the world will become too small. I tried to imagine .

What will it be like when people all start to feel like this.

We almost  have to  go.

0 " E x p e r t "

1 " A u t h o r i t y "

0 " S e l f "

0 1 " S o c i e t y "

Angular. ( p e g s )

None of us fits in the round hole.

It's all suffering .

Monday, August 19, 2019

POST 1 0 0 0

tolerance, can make fact, but are not in and of themselves facts .

Dry as fuck N.P.U. Sherry


( aged over 18 years )

( bright amber )

I'll try again tomorrow .

Patience and Hatred

I'm being challenged right now.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

4Chan is so BORING .

4Chan is so retarded and boring OMG.

I went there thinking this is one of the few popular sites without censorship. Couple days in, I thought maybe it's the mass shooting that's causing these discussions. Later I found that no, it's actually not just a trend. All they do is obsessing over skin color every day. How do they do it? I don't know. How do they maintain such high traffic? I really have no idea. They're so BORING, like unbelievably monotone. It's even a bigger echo chamber than some progressives on Twitter.

And with all the Jew-hating and Christianity-loving? I don't get it. Hebrew Bible is literally canon. How can a Christian hate Jews? I don't get it. Are they seriously that retarded? H-hwat? You can't love Christianity and hate Jews at the same time. I can't even say anymore.

The shooter never goes to Congress anyway. It's sad that they always shoot in Walmart, garlic festival or some open air concert in Vegas, trashy places nobody of import goes to. They're literally shooting themselves. Those are their fellows, they're literally struggling in very similar life conditions. I guess if they were able to empathize none of it would've happened in the first place.

Is this what you get when you have a platform without censorship? It's very sad.

People are devastating. Everybody has talking point but strangely, at the end of the day, I don't think there are many happenings to talk about.


They say keep it real - it's not that simple. 

I had to discover it the hard way & the long way. 

Stream of consciousness - worthless when you are not sure of your beliefs - even when it's based on good faith skepticism. 

Friday, August 16, 2019


H'what kind of idiot keeps mistaking Hanover for Hanoi in the head - Me, that's who!

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Gain & Loss

The moment you realize they are, you also realize they're gone . 

blank pill

Diary :

How do I convince myself these people are my real friends, true friends? I know it's true but somehow I can't find acceptance in my heart. How?

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Which is the world Capital

Which is the world Capital, Diary?

New York? Definitely not London. No city in Germany. They think they're smart- yeah, it's better for common people, but none of them qualifies as a world metropolis.

It's either New York or Paris. That's it.

It's definitely Paris.

Look at the reach and surroundings. Also, history. Not even a question.

OK. Case Closed.

Time to reflect

Once again, it's time to reflect .

I blame myself for not doing enough research. That always, without exception, ends badly.

I did the best I could, in retrospect. Some perspectives could not be acquired from faraway.

I can only hope I'm doing enough research this time. Indeed I have been doing better .

I have to be realistic and totally honest. There are some hard lines now. I know I've told you this many times now, but now truly, I'm certain and there are fewer and fewer things I'm willing to test. That period of time was short.

I have to be harder on myself. I have to realize that the vacation is over. I will be adventurous only in one direction. I will not take excursions. That is a hard realization, but I have to.

You have to give up large swaths of land, numerous number of people & innumerable number of fantasies.

They don't exist.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Beauty of Math

How many trials and errors had to be undertaken to lead to this . . .

The greatest human understanding of the universe is prolly through the most abstract philosophy- the broadest yet capable of being consistent generalizations- and concrete math.

Some say math is both abstract and precise. No. I think math is just precise. Even when it offers a range, that range has a border that is clearly defined.

Abstract (philosophy) advances a sense of unknown. It's to expand on the basis of a rhythm past, present (all that is not concrete) - future and Other.

Everything should reflect that.

All clothing and perfume shall reflect that. Diet. Lifestyle. Yes Diary - Lifestyle. If you have to make choice about what you're going to do with what you have, here is your guidance. This makes things easier for me. Thank you - I mean - thank me .

Saturday, August 10, 2019


You know, my impression of this city, no - this country - has been . . .

But now I'm actually impressed. I'm so impressed they get anything done at all. I'm sure 10 or 20 years ago, the weather of Barcelona was wonderful and it definitely earned its reputation as one of the top tourist spots. But today. Diary, let me tell you. Without a doubt, anyone who visits Barcelona in summer is a FOOL.

Hot Damn. I'm beat. I don't know how they do it. The locals have to adjust, too, you know? Let me see what the temperature is in Granada. WTF their lows are actually lower. But the highs are...

Will Spain and much of the world become unlivable? For me, definitely. These people will hang on.

I almost died this week. I can't survive without air conditioning. The shops are still open. I admire them. The people who hustle on the street, tourists, etc...

Don't think the food delivery business model will last. It's a fad. I read an article on the Economist from a different angle, but this isn't even about competition. You're not driving an Uber. It's exploitation on a whole different level. You have to deal with weather all on your own. Oh God.

It's insane.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Funny stock images

Diary -

Sometimes I see a stock image and an indescribable stream of hopeless emotions crush down over me and I laugh from the bottom of my heart uncontrollably. What I learn from this is, future has to be random and fault tolerant. We'll manufacture mistakes.

a fly

I'm still being eaten alive by this mosquito(es) but who cares. The last one was so lazy & dumb it starved itself to death while waiting all day next to my pillow. This one is so cruel and clever that I haven't found it or heard it buzzing around.  12 bites now.

There is a lil fly though just flying around. It never got out during the day when the windows are wide open. Why are bugs so annoying?

Why are humans so annoying just like bugs to any higher intelligent beings?

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Active Stasis


10 bites

I don't know how many mosquitoes are in my home right now, I just know they took 10 large bites without me knowing. This has got to be the worst week in August - WORST week of the year.

Monday, August 5, 2019

"normal people"

When an old woman wants to be loved, she walks her dog while wearing nothing but a sports bra.

When - I don't know- a  guy in its 20s - 30s wants to be loved, he broadcasts his quirks in the most expressive way, such as FUCKING ATROCIOUS SINGING LIKE THROAT BREAKING SINGING for a whole hour.

I'm seriously considering calling the cops. His voice is SO HIDEOUS. Oh God.  Nobody lacks so much self-awareness. It's so repulsive. It makes me so Angry. I hope his vocal cord gets ripped one day.

Women scream silently. All those revealing clothes and flirting eyes- it's still quiet. Not men. They have to vocalize it. They have to be heard.

Holy shit, I got it - women have to be seen; men have to be heard. 

Yet just like you can't choose who's your classmates or who works in your organization (unless you founded it, which is a big reason why I do), you can't choose who's your neighbor. I imagine you have some say in rural areas, but feeling stranded if you buy all the land is another trade-off. It's impossible in the city, no question about that at all.

I don't think a French person can sing so loudly and hideously, but I could be wrong. They could have other "quirks". But this is really pushing at my limit. 8PM is a golden hour. Now what.

I hope he dies.

Old women tend to hate young women. I don't think old men have similar feelings for younger men. Ew it's prolly worse, right? They might grope them. All the church stories? Old women just don't want young women to have the attention they want, which seems so much more tame and fair. I don't know who has it worse, I'm just telling you about some of my neighbors.

Not rioting

They're right. It's not really rioting.

People are peaceful. They still sing. They still yearn for the ordinary stuff.

It's all OK .

The Unit Year

 0 / 1

Sunday, August 4, 2019

10 yrs - is it normal

Is it normal for the average educated mind to catch up to some of the top rated minds 10 years ago, 10 years later? Is 10 years a regular amount of time for this?

I feel like despite failure in the established systems, public education is in fact improving quite a lot. It's always a numbers game, and the number speaks for itself. I'm glad. 10 years kind of makes me nervous, though.

I'm still somewhat glad that when I look back on what I said about 10 days ago, I already feel like it's said by an idiot. I'd like to keep a steep learning curve for life. There is security in restlessness and this sort of danger.

There is a solution for public well-being - one I've already come up with. For the time being I'm going to bed. Good night.

Saturday, August 3, 2019


I just want to quickly say, Diary, bc this is too sad.

I've lived on... well, close enough to las Ramblas for more than two and half years and it occurred to me today I've never stepped into a Zara or Mango or this type of store. I stepped in one today to get some cool air and let me tell you, it is too sad. I can't believe people are being ripped off like this in their home country. Home city! I just found out Mango was founded in Barcelona. It's too sad. Let me tell you, the stuff they sell for 10 a piece costs about 1 to make. Need I say more? Atrocious quality. All the while I was thinking "are people so poor nowadays they have to buy this?"

It's actually expensive if you think about it. The price is all profit. If people would spend 100 on a quality shirt that they'd otherwise waste on 3-4 low quality t shirts, they'd actually be getting a better deal. A quality shirt won't be able to sell at that margin. You get uniqueness & quality. I can't believe people can't do that math. I'd wear the same shirt 3 days in a row, I don't care. I really hope fast fashion is on its way out. I mean, you have the highest margin and you sell to more people... it's like Walmart I guess, the downside is incredible waste, damage to environment and exploit of workers around the world.

It's too sad. I've seen hundreds of thousands of tourists today in just 1 hour, none of them was memorable. Too sad. I don't know what they're doing walking around in the sun. The weather is honestly too atrocious & I indeed can't take it anymore. I don't know why someone would like the sun so much - every single day. Give me a break .

Friday, August 2, 2019

Losing faith in games


I just played through a game that I've cherished since childhood. There is a speed bug that can't be fixed (especially on WIN10) so that's why I've only played it once, if at all... because I don't remember any of it. The sequel is pretty bug-free and I've played the sequel numerous times and I recognize all the characters, but I don't remember any of the plot or dialog on this one at all...

So it's quite possible that... this is the FIRST time I've played it . . . . . .

I just . . .

Diary . . .

I can never gather enough courage . . . but I have to . . .

Oh God, Diary. Why. This franchise is so important to me. This story is so important to me. Oh . . . Why . . .

Oh God . . .

What have I spent all these years believing . . .

Dear Lord, Save me please .

Oh God . . .

No . . .

it's not supposed to be like this . . .

I don't even have any strength anymore . . . Diary . . . what's it going to take to get this . . . off of me .

The sense of sanctity . . . is still here .  But I've lived a lie.

The sequel, I'd say, is 100 times better than its predecessor .  It's not fair .

A troll has given birth to a beautiful Prince.

No . . . it's not . . .

no . . .

Oh God . . .

What can I put my faith in anymore . . .

Clearly, I'm losing faith in games. Absolute Objectivity has caught up with me .

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Fake meat

So I've tried every option in the Garden Gourmet line and all of them taste like plant, some sort of bean mashup, not good at all. None of them passes as meat for flavor and if this is the case, what's the point. This food is highly processed. If you're going to eat plants just eat raw plants, why bother with this highly processed, imitating, unsatisfactory, unappetizing bullshit?

No reason at all. I don't know what we're funding with this. I've had plain roasted tofu that tasted more like meat. Just eat a raw tomato. I'm fed up with gazpacho and salmorejo even.

Just a little thing I want to tell you. The pseudo meat movement, like numerous other modern day movements, are total shams.