Tuesday, November 21, 2017

My nerves

If you are wondering what happened yesterday, well a lot of aggravation is what it was. Today is more of the same. My document is still held up in Madrid, it seems. My toilet has been leaking since Thursday last week, and I know it's a bit mad but I've done the calculation a bit. Say it leaks 50ml per second, it's going to rack up to... but it's probably 25ml. Or less. I don't know. I just know money is pouring itself down the drain constantly. All I ever wished for is for everything to function as normal. Why is that too much to ask?

I think we will all be better off if I just admit I'm miserable all the time. When in Poland, I met a girl who was just here and she said I was living in Paradise. Maybe I am. I never had to share my living space with others since college, that alone is pretty enviable in my opinion. I also know perfectly what I want to do and I'm doing it. I can never focus on my "haves", Diary. Why? Because I am a total pessimist.

By now I have no doubt that I am. I had quite a few changes of scenery, culture and so on, and I just know. I have less and less unanswered questions about myself, which is good, because I don't... I don't think I'm all that.

What I noticed, particularly in this time and age, as supposed to what I read in books about the past, is, my dear Diary, that people think the utmost prize in the world is "getting to know their true self", both for themselves and others. Whenever people don't get what they want, they avoid taking any responsibility by saying that it's because others don't know them. And the most important thing in life seems to be finding your true self. It's completely selfish.

I have never seen it as a grand or worthy goal, Diary. I have always been feeling a little... "earthy".  I feel connected to those I don't agree with or even like. I don't have that many questions about myself to begin with, but it's fine to get them answered, I guess.

Diary, I can't take on any more aggravation. At this point, anything can become the last straw that breaks the camel's back. I truly have enough. I ask for so little, just that things aren't being broken constantly in the background.

After this, I will have to wait. Patience is another strong suit I have lost. I was so patient as a kid, so patient. I am not anymore. Something always burns in my heart, in my mind. I am constantly in deep worry. The more I figure out, the more uncertainty I have to entertain.

I don't have what it takes to be a leader, Diary. Can I perform under pressure? The real question is, can I lead people to change? Yet fate is destined, Diary. What I dwell on is not important, I know...

I try so hard to be right, Diary. I want to be right. Sometimes you can make sure you're right, and protect the right judgment. Sometimes it's all a bet. I'm not sure if we're all betting our lives on something.

I need a clean, open space in my head, Diary.  The questions are like cloud that always hovers above me in the sky, so my mood is always overcast. I want to make sure I at least know what will happen in the next three to five years.

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