Wednesday, November 22, 2017

It continues

Spain continues to aggravate me with its alarming tardiness and inefficiency. I've had orders from Corte Ingles that took over a month to arrive, and as for repairs, it's never done on time and never only took once. For all the great things it has to offer, which I will not discuss, because it is my wont, there are about a thousand minutes I have to suffer because of this.

I desperately want to become more independent of others in every way. I just can't take disappointment like this.

I want you to know it's very hard for me to not translate disappointment to hatred. I have hated every place I've ever lived- loved them, too. It's very easy for hate and love to co-exist. That is just my mental state, Diary. A lot of overwhelming hate, fury, guilt and a bit of love, only in memory. It takes supreme self-control to not burst, and that is why I often wonder how I would react when real shit goes down. Interestingly, I have experienced quite a few severe incidents, and I've handled them calmly with tact. When the Boston marathon bombing happened, for example, and the Ramblas truck incident, I was in close vicinity both times hearing helicopters hovering over my head and people shouting. I was deadly calm both times. Or public speaking- I know it's a big jump but go with it. Or large stake negotiation. I've pursued many risks, Diary, but neither success or losses ever shook me. Nothing shakes me more than the most trivial annoyance in life that I have to put up with. When I hear a big news, nothing in me moves. But if I'm made to wait for, say, anything, for more than two minutes, I go 0-100 real quickly.

What disease is this?

I am afraid of heights, Diary, really legitimately. Yet I have sought out many times experiences such as walking on rope "bridges" suspended in the air between two cliffs, looking down from observatory towers with glass floors, etc. etc. But I have never sought out to be annoyed. Nobody has, sure, but do you get what I'm saying? Do you know the sort of torment I'm in right now? You can easily cripple me with tiniest aggravation.

I've talked to you about welfare earlier. Not that any of it is in my control or that I believe in voting at all, but I used to think I should support welfare so that incompetent people can stay home and not work, so as not to bring aggravation to people like me. But I think what might happen is, they may go to work anyway, just the minim-wage jobs, like what they're doing today, and it only infuriates me further. Not that there aren't incompetent people in high places.

I find it very difficult to deal with. I feel like I'm bleeding internally. I am crippled, very much crippled, at the moment.

What I think is, right, let's find a way out of this. There is no way, no fucking way, that I can ensure I will never encounter people who can't do their job for the rest of my life, so, my solution is, yeah, why not pretend it will never happen? I mean, why not pretend any problem is never going to get solved? My toilet is leaking, why not pretend the plumber is never going to come? My mail is late, why not pretend it got lost and I'll never receive it? I can easily accept these facts. If you think about it - think about it, Diary. These facts, total loss of hope- comes easier to me than having to hold on to the sliver of hope that other people will do their job. I should always assume that they won't. When I go to a restaurant, I should assume I will be overcharged and the food will be bland or overcooked. When I do anything, I should not only expect to fail but also be scammed and fucked over spectacularly. When I buy anything, I should think it will get half-offed the next day. I should expect all the bad things to happen to me. I can very easily accept that, Diary. It's like breathing. That is no problem.

So let's do that, because I can find no other way out of this. Let's assume I'm doomed from birth, which is what I thought as a kid. In fact now I think it's where I got my patience.

Yes, yes Diary, let's do that.

I always knew in my heart that I like to assume the worst. I feel better already -  I feel like I can breathe.

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