I went to the beach today. The first thing that occurred to me when I watched the sunset (the other way, above the buildings) was -
"Where will you go if the world doesn't need saving anymore?"
I have an answer to that question.
I guess I'll go ahead and kill myself. It finally makes a little sense to me now, why I'm miserable and not fitting in. A happy crowd doesn't need me, they're alien to me. I can only fit in tight, grave situations where someone, or some people desperately need help. I can't live in a world without problems. I have no use as a fellow merry-maker - no, I am not a merry-maker at all.
It took a long time, didn't it? But I have some clarity now. I know why, now. It really is a key answer to countless questions. I can never relate to people who are happy and content, who enjoy life, who is OK with everything. And they don't need me either. They so don't need me. We're already living in different worlds.
What troubles me is, people can (and do) get happier even if their quality of life is declining comparatively. The people who have nothing going for them can still be content with life. I cannot help people who are happy, who don't think they need help.
They are miserable, they look miserable to me, but they don't feel miserable.
I don't look miserable to them, but I feel miserable, therefore I am miserable.
I see it now clearly, so this is what it is. I will have no interference with happy people's lives. I can only hope people realize how miserable they really are. I can only help people who already know how miserable they really are, or feel.
It seems simple, doesn't it? Yet it took me so long to see and understand. Is it bad to wish someone go from happy to unhappy, for the sake of objective truth? I don't know. That's why I can only stay out of it. But watching these people truly makes me ill.
There is a consistent theme that's coming back to me.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.