Wednesday, June 19, 2019


One thing led to another . . .  I'll tell you what led to what. I was automatically reflecting and processing the ABSOLUTELY RETARDED things I've done in college from the back of my mind as I watched this video about 3 brave people who broke their NDA to go on record & talk about content policing labor at Facebook's contractor Cognizant. Content policing has to be one of the worst jobs one can have in modern days in the first world, infinitely worse than customer support. It's more traumatic than filthy manual labor like sorting trash. Trash of the mind is harder to get rid of.

Then I did some research on all the colleges I could think of on top of my head ( mostly  in Massachusetts ​) since it occurred to me now I could read their Google reviews. Besides my own school and a couple of others, I looked up Smith and Mount Holyoke ( both rejected me), Wellesley (why the fuck do they have 10,000 similar pictures), Williams, Amherst ( one of my former corporate lawyers went there ), Colby Sawyer, John Hopkins (in Baltimore), Carleton ( in Minnesota ) & so on. I strongly & seriously considered liberal arts college back then, I suppose because I was exposed to a lot of romanticization about them. I still didn't write them off when one of my professors showed obvious disdain for all liberal arts colleges. Now I know it's actually true. I saved myself from making a terrible decision yet again. Look at that horrid landscape.

Diary, I think I have said this before: going to college today at all is a huge mistake, unless you get into the absolutely top 10 - in the world. But to me, even graduating from Harvard doesn't say much at all anymore. I cannot be 100% certain that someone from Harvard is not a cretin, that's how far the trust in the system has gone. I think the American credibility has gone down by numerous factors as though choreographed by God itself, it's incredibly synchronized. I could never have fathomed it would drop so low.

​My own education has been devalued. I should've done this in 2010. I should've used my college money on something- anything else. The truth is I regret going to college deeply. I thought I saved myself by going to a serious school rather than a liberal arts college (which is more of a social club), but I really would've been better off not going to college at all. I really think it's only good until the internet came along. I realized college is a part of corporatism. What I need to reflecting on is not "American corporatism", no, it's really just corporatism. (Supposedly higher) education is so flawed.

I think I've read exactly this when I was kid, but it took personal experience and 6 years of intermittent retrospection for me to understand it for real. What do you think of the tech giants, Diary? Without Google, I wouldn't have seen the bigger picture or made about 60% of my life choices - for real- as well as I have. Is Facebook comparable to Google? Of course it is. Of course at its core, it's set out to do good. But I feel like Facebook is deviating from its mission more than Google ever did. It's the nature of their service, one can argue- OK. Indexing and curating are very different things, of course. But that jobs that solely consist of looking at cruelty and abomination should exist, regardless of whether they pay well- I don't know if this is comparable to jobs at a slaughterhouse.

I can totally see why someone can be guilt tripped into becoming a vegan. I don't know if it's hypocritical for me to consciously distance myself from the meat industry. I feel like I like meat too much. It's shocking to me though that people are into cruelty as much as they're into meat. Is it a stretch? Do people inherently like to abuse things? I think I have abused most games I've played. Upon the first play through my primary objective is to break them. I don't know, man. We already exist in the same world all of the time anyway. Now you're telling me I have soft spots?

The world is just forcing me to become a bigger and bigger asshole, all the time on all fronts. I can't feel sorry for nobody because there is no reasoning. Once you have decided you're going to rely on logic instead of feelings, you have to go all the way, and it's a logical thing to constantly write your own emotions off.

I feel ashamed that I've been ripped off - not by much, and I am proud that I effectively spent only 2 1/2  years on campus, having gotten myself a half year program in Japan. I knew all the trade-offs. I think it's good to have a life with severe episodes of Retardation in a stream of good decisions & not vice versa.

Life is complicated, Diary, but not too complicated. I wonder if everyone feels like life is rigged against them. I have to stop thinking about these things. What's in the past is in the past.

I really do think the 3 from Cognizant are brave, though. I bet many, including them, want the world to be free of all cruelty. We could do the deed, but can we truly suppress the desire? In subversive ways, sexism and racism have gone worse & videogames have gone grosser and more violent- no I mean, to the point other types of high budget games face extinction. There isn't a variety of choice in pretty much- anything now, except some form of hate and violence. People only look like they get along well but they put on their face with anxiety. There is pressure and anxiety everywhere in any group. Who's truly relaxed? Who's immune from damnation? Nobody, and that's not "fairness", it's just a bad state.

We must not blame freedoms that people can do what they want and speak their mind. Rather I think now more critical than anything is to examine the nature of humanity. A simple question: if it's changeable.

I've come back for a bit. I now think - maybe not. I just learned Coco Chanel was a Nazi prostitute. Look at all the covert ways they salute Nazis. Now I'm having flashback at all the scenes in movies where Chanel is referenced. When they don't think you understand the reference, people like to be discreetly offensive to your face in ways that are blatant to their counterparts who understand what they're doing. It's not one-sided, only I don't have a partner in crime who understands when I'm mocking someone for being dumb, this way you lose at least half the fun. So I've stopped doing it since no one, not even the offended gets it. Though I feel like "in exchange for" this, I should not have to risk being on the receiving end of this sort of thing either. So now it's only making me angry. There is a very real possibility that not a single or indeed very few brands are reliable in that way.

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