Thursday, June 6, 2019

A list of permissible things

 Diary :

 You know what happened on Day 1 0 0 0 0 - I will never bite my inner lip again .

 I wonder at this point if I'm learning things just to be sure I know better . I'm probably wasting my time, then . I am, no I know I am .

 The truth is I'm nervous. I've been nervous for a long, long time . The legitimate fear against my own helplessness, my own limitation has never left, actually . I don't know how to cope with it .  I desperately need to know I'm right about certain things .

 I need to know I'm right about the Will . I feel like I'm so close to the End . I need to know I'm right about big, important things . I'm torturing myself . Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I've done is finding this torture pleasurable .

 Diary . It is my only hope - it is my only salvation . I know where I stand now .

 Diary, I may die, and like many, I fear death . I thought I was indifferent; I am not . The true death, the real death - I may realize it before it happens - the notion - knowing that I will not be -

 I am too specific . I want to be an abstract being . I can't be an abstract entity without being absolutely correct on some things . Yet it feels so hopeless . . . it is wrecking me .

 God, Have mercy .

 Save me .  Let me be free . 

 I'm begging . I'm praying .

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