Wednesday, May 15, 2019

I feel very sick .

If this is prelude to Death, fine, I welcome it. If not, I rather would like to have this pass as soon as possible .

 My cooking is absolutely toxic. I should cook even less- at little as possible .

 Anyhow. What I failed to mention yesterday was of all people, Kamala Harris had appeared in my dream. I don't know her and I care very little about her policies, so I have no idea why she's in my dream. Anyway, she said some kind words to me as I got off the airplane then "kindly" told me California was not accepting a single immigrant no more. So I hijacked a car and drove recklessly and got into a vivid car accident. I emerged from the wreck almost waking up from this nightmare, but I didn't. What followed was worse. Anyhow I just want you to know the whole thing was beyond the worst nightmare I'd ever had at that point. It was God awful. Not that I plan to ever move to California or the US for that matter, the betrayal and other stuff of that dream was like a disease.

 Now I become ill again, so very ill, Diary . 

 I anguished for years- years and years which camp I belong. I finally made my decision. My belief is being shaken again. I hate it, I can't stand it. It's manifesting as real illness with real sickness. I feel so sick. I don't want to have made the wrong decision. I hate it. I never knew going against fate was so hard.

 I have always thought that- my belief has always been that- one should strive despite one's circumstances, not because of it. I will not cave in to the "Given", but even I can't see past the "hypocrisy" - if that- which is when the circumstance suits me, I call it fate and embrace it. Is it possible to accept some of fate and reject other parts of it?

 I am so ill and so unwell. I hate to be wrong so much. I'm obsessed with eventualities- eventualities that I have no control over and can't foresee. Why? Maybe I do have a little bit of control, but it doesn't feel like it. Why is the uncertainty of the grand picture, of the big, distant eventualities making me so ill?

 I'm about to pass out, Diary .

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