Monday, May 27, 2019
It's Day 9998. I've been living in this world for 9998 days. This week- Week 1428- will see my 10000th day on this planet. What does it mean?
What have I done? - you thought "what have I accomplished", but what have I done? Truly. I ask myself.
I am grateful for these 10000 days. I really am.
I have no other words, but I must talk.
Diary... it's Day 9998.
Almost 10000 days of torment... struggling in a dark place most would describe as hell. I have no happy memory. Whatever elation I felt at the moment was painted black in my memory. Every joy is fleeting and every pain is lasting forever and ever and ever.
Yet I'm gaining ground. Yes, Diary. I'm still swaying violently day after day, but the core of my belief is strengthened. I may very well be clinging onto a bias at this point, but I'm doing everything I can to make that bias- my belief- as close to truth as possible. I know my way of thinking will help me obtain the whole truth, just as I have obtained some pieces of truth. Tiny, small pieces, but they're all I have.
I have so little, Diary.
I have obtained so little in these 10000 days.
I don't have much at all.
Life felt fast all of a sudden. I strive so hard to live in the abstract, but in the end I'm bogged down by minuscule details of reality that I can't escape. Will I? I let certain dated fantasy occupy my mind. It's really wrong.
I'm actually angry, Diary- at myself, of course, and also a lot of other things. Nothing has ever assuaged my raging disappointment in nearly all 10000 days on earth. My only hope is in the abstract and the unknown. The more I learn, the less I... I don't know how to put it. Do you know what kind of life it is- to put all your hope and faith in the unknown? You can only hope the unknown is the promised land, but with every bit getting explored you find what's waiting for you is disappointment after disappointment, again . . .
Like I said. There is so much ugly in the world; there are so many mistakes. Mistakes, mistakes everywhere. Look, there is a mistake. That is a mistake also.
I want to cry but I have no tears. This despair is so usual. This despair has become a part of me. I'll never get rid of it.
You don't understand. No one understands. Even you- Diary, even you don't understand! I want to be amazed! I want to be stunned! I want to look up to someone! This may sound arrogant, but such person doesn't exist. Such phenomenon doesn't exist! I will perpetually worship the dead and the unknown! Why? Why? Why? It is too cruel .
I'm too lonely- only I willingly elect it. I'm fine with one way communication with the dead and the unknown. I'm not happy about it. I will never be happy about it. It's not fair that I bring awe to people and none of them returns any to me. I've been underwhelmed enough times. That is why I'm alone. Remember when I didn't have time to surpass others- when we were all 6- I had plenty of fun. I'm a very social person, like I said. I can think of no place other than Paris. Of course I'll find no such person in Paris, but I'll be wandering in the Louvre like a living ghost, I'll exchange- no- like we said, one way communication- I'll be expressing my thoughts silently to the works of the dead, and when I'm anywhere else, I'll ponder. I'll just think endlessly. I'll suffer in nightmares. I'll wake up in despair. But at least in Paris I'm surrounded by works of the excellent dead.
What a life it is. Yet I'm still a saint. I'll still gift people. I'll still hold on to hope- it's basically free for me, because it does not make a difference whatsoever. I'll be over the moon if any bit of hope pays off, since my expectation could not sink any lower.
When we approach the best machines in precision of thinking and measuring- we'll be closer to the truth. The uncovering of truth is the work of many. They're able, but not talented. They're industrious, but not awesome. They're excellent machines but not excellent humans.
Me- I'm nothing. I'm in the abstract. I do not enjoy, I only suffer for now. One day I'll suffer no more. What is it to me? I only wish to know.
at May 27, 2019