I think my next focus ought to be the narrow field of emotion which I'm capable to perceive. This is quite like music, actually. I'm unable to understand music, I'm unable to perceive certain things. A lot of people will tell you they can't feel things. I wonder if it's actually the same.
But the thing is, it's not a few that I can't perceive;it's I can only perceive a few. From my birth- h'well, my first memory, till now, I think I've only perceived (I mean experienced feeling of) :
0. despair (0=constant)
1. contempt toward others
4. frustration toward others and self
7. short bursts of elation (NOT HAPPINESS WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS)
8. gratitude toward God
- in that order- of frequency of occurrence. I'm 100% honest rn. I have never felt anything else. If you look at the list, Diary, you'll see that's it's mostly negative and pessimistic, and some might say detrimental to one's mental health. Fuck those people.
This is what you call a personality, innit. Sad. Not sad that this is me but sad that's what a personality is.
And it's gotten to a point h'where there is really no chance to change this list in any way. This is resolutely how I am- how I will be for my entire life. There is no changing that.
Humans are just here to feel emotions, barring all higher pursuits.
I think one reason I haven't changed is because maybe sometimes I don't wanna. I think not feeling contempt toward others will send me in a downward spiral into existential crisis. That's why I'm not enabling myself to change that. In fact I've constantly worked to ensure I don't belong in a position where I can relate to people more than I can feel contempt toward them. I can only tell that to you.
For some reason I begin to dread the question : "what's your type?" If you were young you could very well say "I don't have a type", but fending off this type of question is tiresome and saying "I don't have a type" seems childish at this point. I haven't given this a proper thought until recently because honestly, categorizing people into "types" isn't necessary, even if you're a politician. A clever politician wouldn't rely on identity politics. Anyhow, regardless of whatever lie I come up with, I want you to know the truth.
If the limit is 3, I hereby list 3 most prominent qualities in the supposed "type". OK? This is my type: Attractive, Depressed and High-functioning. OK? Let's leave it at that. I don't think I can relate to anyone who's not depressed, really. Like I said, let's leave it at that.
April Fourth . Whaddaya know .