Tuesday, March 26, 2019

'Chu want, homie

I'm starting to feel a little bit of that loneliness .

I don't know why .

​I've gone out of my way and gone to great length to set up my life so that I'm independent forever, and all in all that's great. But every once in a while, very casually, I'd like to hang out with someone. I used to pause at this stage of thinking in front of a wall, a wall of conclusion that says "no one is interesting and worthwhile". Or when they're being interesting and worthwhile, it's not taking place in a social situation. Like if I like someone's work, they'll likely be working alone or in a working environment. They're not going to be charming in their spare time, you know? They might be goofy. I am the same way. Thing is, I don't want someone goofy. I don't want to goof around. I don't want to go bar hopping, or anything like that. I don't even know what I'm looking for.

See, that's my problem. I'm way too clear about everything else. I'm crystal clear about my main focus in life, the most important things. It's small things I can't decide. I can't arrange this play date for myself. I honestly don't know what kind of casual friends I want to have. Yeah my goal is to have a good time with them, doesn't seem at all difficult to reach, on the surface- but no, it's impossible. I don't know. I genuinely don't know.

I can tell you in good conscience that I've never met someone I wouldn't mind casually hanging out with. I honestly have no idea what kind of company I enjoy. Most of the time, I'm so calm and content being alone, but recently I begin to have these little holes that need filling. I've been very honest about that from the beginning, it's loneliness. I need a quick fix, but where do I get it?

If I have the faintest idea of what kind of people I want to be friends with, I can get moving. I've no idea. I'm so lost. I guess, my best bet is, for someone like me it should be circumstantial, like I'm really into this right now, so I need to find someone who's also into this, for now. But even that's hard in a city like this. In any city. And my casual interests pass by too fast. I don't get it.

I probably don't have any casual hobbies. I take everything I'm genuinely interested in too seriously, I'm vested. If I befriend someone on that basis it'll be work - I'll no doubt try to establish some sort of project with them, because I don't know how else it's supposed to move forward. I only have so much time, you know. So I have to befriend someone on a casual basis, but like I said, anything I take lightly- I take too lightly. That basis is flimsy and fragile. I won't care.

I bet this is an issue that's troubling many people in this day and age. Sadly this fact won't be a valid basis for friendship. I honestly don't know, Diary. Look, I haven't been this confused in a long time. I've no clue.

Is it nihilism? I rarely use the word because it's been abused and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I mean, seriously. Is it nihilism.

No, not at all. You can't confine that concept in a little area where everywhere outside of it it doesn't apply. It's just I'm clueless when it comes to having casual friendship - nothing else !

It still troubles me though . It could be a form of existential crisis, too. Let's not go there for now .

I don't get it. If we go for a dinner or something, and someone starts telling me about their family or their life... I can imagine it, really - it's what people do - I really don't want to hear about it. I can't not tell them what to talk about. I don't get why people are boring. I want to share absolutely crazy notions, I don't want to hear how they want to raise kids when we talk about dreams. I want to have bold talks.

I don't get why people have to be complacent. I'm really afraid someone will bring up one of countless EXCRUCIATINGLY INSIPID BORING films that have come out in recent years. Face it, they will. I will lose all hope when anyone mentions anything Marvel/DC. I'm afraid of that. This fear may be bigger than my desire for casual friendship. I don't know.

It's a good feeling though that at least 10 000 000 people are in this position . Every day I entertain for about one minute the notion of becoming a YouTuber. I won't do it, but still. I need someone tangible, you know? It's no less easy than in LA or London. Not to mention I know by now it's not smart to actually reside anywhere in the Anglosphere. Like I said, same still. It's the method. I don't know the method.

I said a whole lot of nothing, haven't I.

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