Thursday, March 14, 2019

Baby Darling No !

I think controlling spending is a retarded thing - I don't have my priorities straight.

I spent that last 10 days combing through OED and I just finished today. A bunch of notes, all in all about 100 words I don't know. I looked it up and it says the OED (7th ED) has over 120,000 words and phrases. It doesn't feel all that much. It feels 10,000, to be honest. That shows you how much of a poor sense I have when it comes to estimating these things.

H'what do you know, I just found out about OED Online. Now, I want to make it clear that I'm not looking at it because I'm bored, no no no. I was making sure I found... I was right about Fundamental Actions. It's a Big Concept. Yeah. I did get a little distracted in the end because I knew I had my answer, but I was on my way so I might as well make sure. 863 pages, was it?

Oh it also rained a lil this morning and the air smelled great for the rest of the day. It felt like a real day, know what I mean? The fucking retard is still singing godawful songs upstairs, unfortunately, and I hope his vocal cord rips.

Oh also the same day I complained to you again about hideous men in hentai, I discovered Mizuryu Kei - h'whaddaya know. People call him a "feminist" lol - finally someone who does it right. I appreciate the hot guys but I wish the females weren't that lewd or aggressive. I'm not asking for too much, am I? Maybe some day I'll discover an artist who does both. Also a problem is the buildup is too long and the sex scene is kind of monotone and too short. I really might have to do it myself sometime. I'll let you know.

"Configure a porn rig" - haha, I don't even have to check that post. Nothing!

Oh Ben Shapiro's obsession with AOC and Ilhan Omar and "public discourse" and "social fabric" has officially become tedious. The last two are just phrases but I doubt they're anything more than verbal ticks now. You can abandon someone - especially an opinion person - as soon as they become predictable. I will do so, Diary. 

What else. I believe my mental state is worsening, Diary -  actually I'm pretty sure of it. I can't call it a manic episode or being schizophrenic no more. Since I'm not going to check myself into a hospital, I don't even see the point of finding a definition for it. It's not an illness. If you put anyone in my position, they would've gone insane in... when they were a kid, ha. Definitely. I don't know how to improve my current situation, sadly. I can "go out and mingle" any second, but the idea of interacting with people has never been so repulsive. I know I'm overreacting- in my head, but there is almost a deadly 100% certainty that they will not say anything that interests much less amuses me. I need to be entertained irl, Diary. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what can please me in real life. Everything aggravates me.

Don't take the word "aggravation" lightly. It's so painful when you have to endure it every day. Now, I have no comfort. There is no question that I'm paranoid, Diary. I know how paranoid I can get. I still legitimately fear that the second floor might collapse when I'm lying in my bed. Even though I'm not heavy at all, every time I hear the bed squeak I feel like I'm bringing the floor down. I know very well there is no logic in it. I also think fire might break out of the bathroom ventilation due to the blackout accident a few months ago and I saw sparks flying when the circuit tripped. I showered in the dark for about 10 days until a repair man came and switched it on for the first time since the accident, and it worked fine till today. But because I've seen sparks I'm convinced a fire could break out any minute. I try to take my shower quickly now, which is easier said than done. I know it's stupid, this self-inflicted duress, but I can't help it. I know I'm paranoid, but the littlest life detail might bring me down. Small things can make me go crazy.

I'm not a perfectionist, Diary, or am I? I don't think so. It's just I'm very sensitive at this point. Some of my central beliefs are wavering - shaking - wildly - violently - and I need to feel in control. I need to get everything I can under control. I know very well what it is and that shows I'm not mentally ill. Here is the catch - Will I get better ? I don't know. Let's pretend I don't know the answer to that.

Why, Diary, why ? I heard as long as you don't think, you'll lead a happy life. But the thing is, Diary, I don't think "happiness" was ever on the menu. I've never seen it as an option. It never seems obtainable to me. I'm not saying I'm above it all, I mean, there is no pretense. I just don't see myself having access to it. I know I'm going to be tortured forever. I just know. I'm going to suffer from all sorts of self-imposed pressure and stress and outside aggravation. There is some connection to God, which is all I live for, and that is -

Oh Diary. Don't pity me. I'm not a pitiful person. I'm not even a sympathetic person. I'm just a person, that's it. I don't think I'm wrong, especially when I've gone to SUCH extraordinary lengths to make sure I'm not wrong. I feel queasy that I can't stay ahead of my time a little longer, but what can you do? Deep down inside, I might find the very real possibilities of humans' future repulsive, that might be it. But there is a "nowness" that no one can escape. Even if what I'm witnessing today is a fleeting speck of aberration that won't stand the test of time, I'm fascinated and I'm drawn to it. Why? Because I'm a normal human being. Yes, I know myself very well, Diary.

I'm not satisfied playing a small role before God, I think that's my beef with it, the whole arrangement.

Oh I also worked out the trees yesterday. How dumb could I be for not thinking of using timeline earlier for something that is arranged by time. I swear to God. Well that's prolly my biggest accomplishment of the week, thankfully the week is only half way finished. I sure hope to get done something more impressive before it ends. Hey, that's the goal, that's the life, isn't it ? Embrace it .

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