Sunday, March 31, 2019

Lied to again

I don't wonder why .  I don't expect it to ever rain again when it says it's going to rain. I have no hope .

I belong to a state of despair and anguish . 

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

feet 02

Diary: my feet are a bit better now, thanks for asking. I think I won't be limping around tomorrow. Anyhow, I semi-cleaned all the windows today. Near sunset. So there is that . I guess, just to prove I'm not feeling disabled . 

The best possible life 

Do you feel the burden on the shoulder- the responsibility to lead?

God must judge us as individuals and not groups... but then, you're supposed to influence a lot of people. You're supposed to change what's greater than an individual.

Am I missing out on something ? 

Is this unnatural ?

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

not funny

I never joke about the state of my feet. I could be hospitalized today after plain walking. I don't think there is a word for how fragile my feet are. They're prolly more fragile than some people's face. Good God. It's all bloody again. From walking. Walking! What the fuck. The skin just peels off from little movement. Forget about friends, I need to figure out what are good walking shoes. Damn leather sole, or is that not it? I don't know. Fucking hell.

About 100 minutes of walking. I was on the verge of collapsing. I'm looking at it- 2nd->5th - it's going to take an hour, at least. Fuck does that mean, Diary. Why are my feet the way they are. I can't be walking in sneakers for the rest of my life .

OK .

OK .

'Chu want, homie

I'm starting to feel a little bit of that loneliness .

I don't know why .

​I've gone out of my way and gone to great length to set up my life so that I'm independent forever, and all in all that's great. But every once in a while, very casually, I'd like to hang out with someone. I used to pause at this stage of thinking in front of a wall, a wall of conclusion that says "no one is interesting and worthwhile". Or when they're being interesting and worthwhile, it's not taking place in a social situation. Like if I like someone's work, they'll likely be working alone or in a working environment. They're not going to be charming in their spare time, you know? They might be goofy. I am the same way. Thing is, I don't want someone goofy. I don't want to goof around. I don't want to go bar hopping, or anything like that. I don't even know what I'm looking for.

See, that's my problem. I'm way too clear about everything else. I'm crystal clear about my main focus in life, the most important things. It's small things I can't decide. I can't arrange this play date for myself. I honestly don't know what kind of casual friends I want to have. Yeah my goal is to have a good time with them, doesn't seem at all difficult to reach, on the surface- but no, it's impossible. I don't know. I genuinely don't know.

I can tell you in good conscience that I've never met someone I wouldn't mind casually hanging out with. I honestly have no idea what kind of company I enjoy. Most of the time, I'm so calm and content being alone, but recently I begin to have these little holes that need filling. I've been very honest about that from the beginning, it's loneliness. I need a quick fix, but where do I get it?

If I have the faintest idea of what kind of people I want to be friends with, I can get moving. I've no idea. I'm so lost. I guess, my best bet is, for someone like me it should be circumstantial, like I'm really into this right now, so I need to find someone who's also into this, for now. But even that's hard in a city like this. In any city. And my casual interests pass by too fast. I don't get it.

I probably don't have any casual hobbies. I take everything I'm genuinely interested in too seriously, I'm vested. If I befriend someone on that basis it'll be work - I'll no doubt try to establish some sort of project with them, because I don't know how else it's supposed to move forward. I only have so much time, you know. So I have to befriend someone on a casual basis, but like I said, anything I take lightly- I take too lightly. That basis is flimsy and fragile. I won't care.

I bet this is an issue that's troubling many people in this day and age. Sadly this fact won't be a valid basis for friendship. I honestly don't know, Diary. Look, I haven't been this confused in a long time. I've no clue.

Is it nihilism? I rarely use the word because it's been abused and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I mean, seriously. Is it nihilism.

No, not at all. You can't confine that concept in a little area where everywhere outside of it it doesn't apply. It's just I'm clueless when it comes to having casual friendship - nothing else !

It still troubles me though . It could be a form of existential crisis, too. Let's not go there for now .

I don't get it. If we go for a dinner or something, and someone starts telling me about their family or their life... I can imagine it, really - it's what people do - I really don't want to hear about it. I can't not tell them what to talk about. I don't get why people are boring. I want to share absolutely crazy notions, I don't want to hear how they want to raise kids when we talk about dreams. I want to have bold talks.

I don't get why people have to be complacent. I'm really afraid someone will bring up one of countless EXCRUCIATINGLY INSIPID BORING films that have come out in recent years. Face it, they will. I will lose all hope when anyone mentions anything Marvel/DC. I'm afraid of that. This fear may be bigger than my desire for casual friendship. I don't know.

It's a good feeling though that at least 10 000 000 people are in this position . Every day I entertain for about one minute the notion of becoming a YouTuber. I won't do it, but still. I need someone tangible, you know? It's no less easy than in LA or London. Not to mention I know by now it's not smart to actually reside anywhere in the Anglosphere. Like I said, same still. It's the method. I don't know the method.

I said a whole lot of nothing, haven't I.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

I'm on a Steep Curve

Everyone... no, a lot of people are on a steep curve also. All must adapt.

​Have they really extended -

Saturday, March 16, 2019

You Must Be Right .

It has never been as vital to be right as now. I'm grateful for that. I've been on the internet for 21 years and I can take criticism. Anything to make myself less dumb and more correct. But I've never remembered a time in which the threshold of intolerance (which is a good thing) was so low. When I was little, in the late 90s into early 00s, you could get away for being ignorant for so long, and you don't even know it. And like I've said so many times before, I have to say it again still because it still amazes me: kids today have to grow up so fast. Their mistakes might be recorded in words, images or videos and stick with them for life. Or at least a very long time. They have to grow up fast. They have to learn so much. They have to.

It's almost unfathomable in my time, but I think their time is freed up by not having to work on some things that I've worked on, such as memorizing factual knowledge. Reference is easy now ( though also easy to be tampered with )  - just look it up. It's judgment and thinking that count, and that is absolutely on the right track.

I still think what I have that is unique from my time is valuable, but at this point I feel like I'm just trying to catch up. The price of being wrong has never been steeper - to the self and to others, and to me above all - to God . The absolute last thing I want is to be wrong in front of God. I keep saying I have to be right; I must be right. I'm obsessed. Yet sometimes I'm so close to being wrong. Sometimes I fall into traps. Never again. Not if I can help it.

I think I'm getting the picture now.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Baby Darling No !

I think controlling spending is a retarded thing - I don't have my priorities straight.

I spent that last 10 days combing through OED and I just finished today. A bunch of notes, all in all about 100 words I don't know. I looked it up and it says the OED (7th ED) has over 120,000 words and phrases. It doesn't feel all that much. It feels 10,000, to be honest. That shows you how much of a poor sense I have when it comes to estimating these things.

H'what do you know, I just found out about OED Online. Now, I want to make it clear that I'm not looking at it because I'm bored, no no no. I was making sure I found... I was right about Fundamental Actions. It's a Big Concept. Yeah. I did get a little distracted in the end because I knew I had my answer, but I was on my way so I might as well make sure. 863 pages, was it?

Oh it also rained a lil this morning and the air smelled great for the rest of the day. It felt like a real day, know what I mean? The fucking retard is still singing godawful songs upstairs, unfortunately, and I hope his vocal cord rips.

Oh also the same day I complained to you again about hideous men in hentai, I discovered Mizuryu Kei - h'whaddaya know. People call him a "feminist" lol - finally someone who does it right. I appreciate the hot guys but I wish the females weren't that lewd or aggressive. I'm not asking for too much, am I? Maybe some day I'll discover an artist who does both. Also a problem is the buildup is too long and the sex scene is kind of monotone and too short. I really might have to do it myself sometime. I'll let you know.

"Configure a porn rig" - haha, I don't even have to check that post. Nothing!

Oh Ben Shapiro's obsession with AOC and Ilhan Omar and "public discourse" and "social fabric" has officially become tedious. The last two are just phrases but I doubt they're anything more than verbal ticks now. You can abandon someone - especially an opinion person - as soon as they become predictable. I will do so, Diary. 

What else. I believe my mental state is worsening, Diary -  actually I'm pretty sure of it. I can't call it a manic episode or being schizophrenic no more. Since I'm not going to check myself into a hospital, I don't even see the point of finding a definition for it. It's not an illness. If you put anyone in my position, they would've gone insane in... when they were a kid, ha. Definitely. I don't know how to improve my current situation, sadly. I can "go out and mingle" any second, but the idea of interacting with people has never been so repulsive. I know I'm overreacting- in my head, but there is almost a deadly 100% certainty that they will not say anything that interests much less amuses me. I need to be entertained irl, Diary. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what can please me in real life. Everything aggravates me.

Don't take the word "aggravation" lightly. It's so painful when you have to endure it every day. Now, I have no comfort. There is no question that I'm paranoid, Diary. I know how paranoid I can get. I still legitimately fear that the second floor might collapse when I'm lying in my bed. Even though I'm not heavy at all, every time I hear the bed squeak I feel like I'm bringing the floor down. I know very well there is no logic in it. I also think fire might break out of the bathroom ventilation due to the blackout accident a few months ago and I saw sparks flying when the circuit tripped. I showered in the dark for about 10 days until a repair man came and switched it on for the first time since the accident, and it worked fine till today. But because I've seen sparks I'm convinced a fire could break out any minute. I try to take my shower quickly now, which is easier said than done. I know it's stupid, this self-inflicted duress, but I can't help it. I know I'm paranoid, but the littlest life detail might bring me down. Small things can make me go crazy.

I'm not a perfectionist, Diary, or am I? I don't think so. It's just I'm very sensitive at this point. Some of my central beliefs are wavering - shaking - wildly - violently - and I need to feel in control. I need to get everything I can under control. I know very well what it is and that shows I'm not mentally ill. Here is the catch - Will I get better ? I don't know. Let's pretend I don't know the answer to that.

Why, Diary, why ? I heard as long as you don't think, you'll lead a happy life. But the thing is, Diary, I don't think "happiness" was ever on the menu. I've never seen it as an option. It never seems obtainable to me. I'm not saying I'm above it all, I mean, there is no pretense. I just don't see myself having access to it. I know I'm going to be tortured forever. I just know. I'm going to suffer from all sorts of self-imposed pressure and stress and outside aggravation. There is some connection to God, which is all I live for, and that is -

Oh Diary. Don't pity me. I'm not a pitiful person. I'm not even a sympathetic person. I'm just a person, that's it. I don't think I'm wrong, especially when I've gone to SUCH extraordinary lengths to make sure I'm not wrong. I feel queasy that I can't stay ahead of my time a little longer, but what can you do? Deep down inside, I might find the very real possibilities of humans' future repulsive, that might be it. But there is a "nowness" that no one can escape. Even if what I'm witnessing today is a fleeting speck of aberration that won't stand the test of time, I'm fascinated and I'm drawn to it. Why? Because I'm a normal human being. Yes, I know myself very well, Diary.

I'm not satisfied playing a small role before God, I think that's my beef with it, the whole arrangement.

Oh I also worked out the trees yesterday. How dumb could I be for not thinking of using timeline earlier for something that is arranged by time. I swear to God. Well that's prolly my biggest accomplishment of the week, thankfully the week is only half way finished. I sure hope to get done something more impressive before it ends. Hey, that's the goal, that's the life, isn't it ? Embrace it .

Monday, March 11, 2019

Say goodbye to Sanity !

"Insanity" is such a blanket term. There is such time when a sane man goes insane and stays partly sane and partly insane - what do you call that? Their relationship is- the insanity covers the sanity like some sort of Ferrero arrangement- or insanity follows sanity follows insanity like some sort of loop- or maybe they occur at the exact same time - I don't know. I just know insanity has officially and probably permanently become a part of my life.

I'm not ready to say "goodbye" yet .

I need to save myself. I need to save my sanity. I need to stay sane. I can't have this "partly sane, partly insane" state of mind. I'll be ruined. I'll be damned. Damn. I've always been damned, haven't I?

So damned.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Not staying on the fringe

No one, I do mean no one, wants to stay on the fringe. They probably don't like the fact that they're on the fringe in the first place, unless it lends certain cachet. It's always good to have fringe qualities, but not the identity. No. I get it.

 O R T H O D O X

 How to pose yourself as Orthodox ?

 - As if -

 I need to think about it .

Friday, March 8, 2019

Thursday, March 7, 2019

iiiiiii - 0

Guess h'what, I got an invitation to an alumni event in SF past few days. Will not go & did not RSVP .  Not doing anything in the field of study back in college right now.  Not particularly curious how or what others are doing now either . 

I felt a lil bit sick reading hentai just now .  Is it sad to contract such a typical men's problem ? A lil bit, of course . But you know what's sadder - to fuck anyone I'm not attracted to . There's got to be more. I can't be the only one . For the past month I've been wanting to fuck Leon, and I'm getting over it now. ( I had the cute idea of moving to Lyon and stroll in front of Interpol in hopes to spot someone looking like Leon lol - say no more . ) No you know what's the saddest? Of all the hentai I've browsed - thousands of them - I know, it was staggering to me too when I saw the tally, but you have to believe me when I say that I only glanced over ( the vast majority of ) them quickly, like no more than a few seconds, but the saddest thing is there is only one Takeda Hiromitsu . The rest of them are woefully bad at drawing .  Once again I'm sorry to myself that I don't have time to do everything . Takeda likes to draw ugly bastards, too, yuck . Should not have to use too much imagination when I'm trying to get off . It's so much easier to get off for guys . They're probably fine with mediocre - prolly not ugly - ones in the first place .  Another sad thing, I'm not gay . I'd love to watch two women having sex over some godawful guy, but the thought of lesbian sex still makes me want to vomit . Literally almost no choice for normal women . I really don't like the new genre . What does it mean "for women" - why does it have be vanilla like that ? Why can't you get two hot people to fuck violently - I mean - passionately ?  I know, I'm not giving up on the doll plan .

It's just hard. There are so many retards and ugly bastards floating around .  Well never mind that . I mean, you gotta get off and go out and look legitimate . People are pathetic and absurd - including me .

Now here is a crazy thing . Why is it that the day I drink coffee is the day I'm most sleepy ? Why ? Why does coffee make me tired ? It's supposed to be the opposite . I feel like I'm about to doze off any second now .

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Observing the Conversation

I mean, I'm observing the conversation. I'm not forgetting the homeless man outside of Boqueria, whose one leg was COMPLETELY FUCKED UP with bright red bloody bowl sized holes just out in the open, seriously -  wounds as large as if some rabid dog had bitten it- no, torn flesh off of it- except the blood pits were perfectly round shapes. I wonder how he got those wounds. I only had a second but let me tell you - it was gnarly. What the FUCK happened to this man?

People pack their history. Their trauma. And there is such a flimsy, frail membrane between the surface and the dark torrents beneath, just ready to burst - or die - any second. It is the truth. I have to look it up - give me a second - internet tells me there has never been a time where mankind did not experience war, it's just a matter of where & whom. But something deep and wide- like the world wars, is about to take place again, and it's going to have worse ramifications. Are humans meant to survive this time?

I'm close. I always feel nervous but for other reasons, and it's a completely different feeling. This is the calm before the storm. I have this metric- you're fine if you can see a century into the future, you can probably feel safe. There were some people in history who did that. No one can say that now. It's a different level of meaninglessness. It's an issue of wrongness. I hate being wrong. The notion that I could be wrong about a lot of things is insufferable to me right now.

I can't be wrong .