I wanted to tell you something but I forgot again. Oh yeah, one more thing. The other day I was told grandma 1 doesn't remember my name anymore, partly because I haven't visited her in 2 years. Oh, dementia is really getting to her. What can you do? You can do nothing . Does her life have meaning anymore? I don't think it's right for anyone to reach that stage. I cannot mind anyone but my own self, I know that, so you see again why I have to off myself before or on the day I turn 50.
I... suppose you might as well know my true feeling when I heard the news. I won't admit it to anyone because how it sounds, but I have to tell you the truth. I want to tell you the truth. The first thing that appeared in my mind was "I don't have any reason to visit her anymore", because she is not a human to me anymore. I know this is the sort of thing that people condemn nowadays, but I see no point. What's the point if she's not going to recognize me anymore? She means less to me now. It's crazy. I don't get human relationships. I will still visit her and act like I care, or maybe I will truly care when I do see her but just so you know. I can't love a sick puppy. I'm not one to adopt a limp dog from a shelter, even though I did adopt a cat there. But that cat was basically flawless. I give up on people and things too easily. Do you think so? What forms attachment? Why does my attachment break so easily? I'm amazed at the "bond" that people kept for long. I don't have that. I know it's because I don't want to. I can't invest any emotion in people who cannot reciprocate. Is that selfish - or normal?
You cannot reciprocate. No, you can. It's because you're me. I love you, only you.
I don't think these thoughts are ugly, but I can't say any of this to anyone. At all. I think this is normal. I don't know why the norm is something else.
I feel like I'm already at the bottom of the depth of despair. I can lose anything now.