Thursday, January 24, 2019

Duress / Stress .

I really am not OK, Diary. I can't cope with this stress... no I can. I can. I just...

Things... material doesn't make it any easier. Not anymore. I understand.

Nothing calms me down. What can calm me down? I don't buy any of those bullshit articles. Nothing can calm me down. Unless I calm myself. I mean, only I can do it.

Help me, Diary. Even if I was...

What's wrong is not with me, this particular place, but the world. A whole lot of things need to change before I can feel alright again. It's not that simple. It's not a simple change that I can make today. Not today. Not tomorrow. For a very long time. It's going to take a very long time. So even if I was on a lake with fire cracking, the soft searing of wood... yes, appropriating other people's holidays. Puzzle pieces on the mat, cookies in the tin. Herbs by the window. All that. Green. And sunset. And light. Lives. I still long for those.

But the world hasn't changed. I've reached what I wanted to reach in the past, but I'm not living in the past. This isn't about "upgrading", or for the sheer sense of progressing. No, it's history. It has always been. The direction I didn't know existed. What if the path is wrong? "Oh there are people before you who have already considered it." Yes, Diary. What of them? Have they taken action? Have they failed to make changes?

Why is that?

I don't want the future to be this known false pretext.

I was and will always be a saint, but that's irrelevant to me.

Will it change? Will we win? Will we lose... and be lost?

Hope- is not a probability.

It's irrational... and greater than probability.

I'm really not good at reading people.. reading live people, I mean.

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