Sunday, January 27, 2019

I'm Not OK .

Why am I so easy to despair? It's not because I see too far, is it?

I just am. Too easy to despair.

This is not OK, Diary.

No, I can fix it .

I have to .


Creme instead of salad or anything - why haven't I thought of this before? I don't have to worry about vegetables ever again- or cook them. I don't even have to make soup myself- I'll just heat it up. It's all to prevent me from dying and the flavor is quite OK.

Problem solved.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Duress / Stress .

I really am not OK, Diary. I can't cope with this stress... no I can. I can. I just...

Things... material doesn't make it any easier. Not anymore. I understand.

Nothing calms me down. What can calm me down? I don't buy any of those bullshit articles. Nothing can calm me down. Unless I calm myself. I mean, only I can do it.

Help me, Diary. Even if I was...

What's wrong is not with me, this particular place, but the world. A whole lot of things need to change before I can feel alright again. It's not that simple. It's not a simple change that I can make today. Not today. Not tomorrow. For a very long time. It's going to take a very long time. So even if I was on a lake with fire cracking, the soft searing of wood... yes, appropriating other people's holidays. Puzzle pieces on the mat, cookies in the tin. Herbs by the window. All that. Green. And sunset. And light. Lives. I still long for those.

But the world hasn't changed. I've reached what I wanted to reach in the past, but I'm not living in the past. This isn't about "upgrading", or for the sheer sense of progressing. No, it's history. It has always been. The direction I didn't know existed. What if the path is wrong? "Oh there are people before you who have already considered it." Yes, Diary. What of them? Have they taken action? Have they failed to make changes?

Why is that?

I don't want the future to be this known false pretext.

I was and will always be a saint, but that's irrelevant to me.

Will it change? Will we win? Will we lose... and be lost?

Hope- is not a probability.

It's irrational... and greater than probability.

I'm really not good at reading people.. reading live people, I mean.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Rainin / Blood .

It rained the other day, thank God. I was skeptical until the ground was all wet. I didn't hear a thing. I was basically too excited to sleep but it was sort of a drizzle. But I'm glad & I'm grateful. It hadn't rained until the last time I talked about it, btw.

Got blood on my duvet. I had to wash it. Did not know it was filled with 100% mulberry silk - TIL. Periods really are difficult. I still don't know why I was born a woman. I'm not getting married, I'm not going to have a baby, I'm never going to use womanly charm, instead I still have to deal with this crap, what's the point? A weak start makes a good ending taste sweeter, eh? I don't know. Who knows what ending it's going to be?

I should have patience with silk. The silk has to dry naturally, which means I prolly won't get to sleep tonight. Oh wait I could use the cotton one. I don't want to get it out though... whatever. We'll see how tired I can get.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Clock .

Clock is stuck @ 2:18:29. Second hand going back and forth at 29''. Have I said something truly unforgivable ?

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Shrimp Vein

? ? ?

 I wanted to tell you something but I forgot again. Oh yeah, one more thing. The other day I was told grandma 1 doesn't remember my name anymore, partly because I haven't visited her in 2 years. Oh, dementia is really getting to her. What can you do? You can do nothing .  Does her life have meaning anymore? I don't think it's right for anyone to reach that stage. I cannot mind anyone but my own self, I know that, so you see again why I have to off myself before or on the day I turn 50.

I... suppose you might as well know my true feeling when I heard the news. I won't admit it to anyone because how it sounds, but I have to tell you the truth. I want to tell you the truth. The first thing that appeared in my mind was "I don't have any reason to visit her anymore", because she is not a human to me anymore. I know this is the sort of thing that people condemn nowadays, but I see no point. What's the point if she's not going to recognize me anymore? She means less to me now. It's crazy. I don't get human relationships. I will still visit her and act like I care, or maybe I will truly care when I do see her but just so you know. I can't love a sick puppy. I'm not one to adopt a limp dog from a shelter, even though I did adopt a cat there. But that cat was basically flawless. I give up on people and things too easily.  Do you think so? What forms attachment? Why does my attachment break so easily? I'm amazed at the "bond" that people kept for long. I don't have that. I know it's because I don't want to. I can't invest any emotion in people who cannot reciprocate. Is that selfish - or normal?

You cannot reciprocate. No, you can. It's because you're me. I love you, only you.

I don't think these thoughts are ugly, but I can't say any of this to anyone. At all. I think this is normal. I don't know why the norm is something else.

I feel like I'm already at the bottom of the depth of despair. I can lose anything now.

Friday, January 18, 2019

I Cried For No Reason

I watched Malena today and I cried for no reason. Now I only do this once or twice a year prolly to "clear the pipes", so I'm not hysterical. I think in order to invoke the emotions the films is supposed to inspire, I had to think of completely different things to get those tears. It's strange. I get the film in every angle - it's a great film, of course, I understand everything. But simultaneously a part of my head was somewhere else concocting a fantasy that has nothing to do with the film or what it represents, to get me crying. I can't explain it.

I genuinely felt for the characters. This is a movie of normal standard to me, but looking at it today, to be fair, it's a masterpiece. BTW, I've made major inroads with the Arab shop. They went from overcharging me to getting acquainted with me and now giving me free samples of my favorites. Not the usual routine but OK. I really like baklava, so. But I remember asking myself yesterday: if I have to choose between macarons and cannoli, h'which would I pick? I can't decide. Macaron is airy and comes in various flavors, and cannoli is just good old cannoli. "Why do I have to choose?" - but if I have to choose.

Eggs have also made my life wonderful. It's a new year, let's not mention the old fear. I'm getting all my eggs from Ous de Calaf this year so it won't be a problem. I'll get most fresh produce in boq, too. I still don't know how to whisk eggs- I feel like no bowl is big enough & I will always spill it. I'm too clumsy. But I like my French scrambled eggs. Add enough butter in them - that's it.

And for some reason I don't feel cold anymore.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

a spoonful of Milk

I did go in time, but they don't have it. You're right, they would've called. They texted me today and I'll go again later this week,  I guess. My feet are fucked beyond reckoning, so.

I was slightly surprised the lady in the shop didn't speak a lick of French. No no, I don't mean since it's a proper French shop, I mean since she's Catalan. Do you think Catalans should have an easy time traveling in France and Italy? Yeah. Also I noticed there are a lot of nice Basque restaurants in town, and I began to wonder what's it like for them to come down here and operate their business, not just for the tax scheme up there but I suppose- I suppose they're incredibly open-minded people.

I also got every variety of Knorr creme I can find, and so the long taste test for the next 20 days begins. Vegetables are very difficult and unexciting. I am healthy, Diary - relatively healthy. OK, healthier than 20% of times. I can't fathom eating vegetables in winter even it's warm inside as anything other than hot soup or caramelized onions. I could never get into eating salads. Food is so much trouble, yet I need to stay... relatively healthy.

Monday, January 14, 2019

M o n d a y

Some things you have to troubleshoot -

I'm not supposed to put things on standby .

Diary .

Why is it that I always forget to use perfume when I go to the zoo ?  It's a nice zoo and all, but I feel sorry for all the animals in there. But they have to be in there for people to  see them. The giant anteaters are giant, and the two of them are just pacing back and forth in this little room not that much bigger than themselves. But it's the lonely rhino that breaks my heart. There is something stuck in its skin in the hinds, I don't know if it's a scab or anything, but it's just sad to watch - it was also sniffing its own shit. They might do it in nature, too but I don't know. And there is one elephant that looked like it might've developed dementia . 

We are like this to an external observer. I want to be accurate, I want to be right. I know I am a fool, but there is a chance I can still be a wise fool . 

To hell and back again - not a Bilbo Baggins story . 

It seems complacent because it was written for peasants by an Englishman who resisted change .

I, however, am not that.

I'd like to see the End .  The Glorious End .

People won't believe -

Who knew culture is consumable ?  - as in, the more you eat, the less there is ?

It is true, however, of the experience .

It's not my heart wanting The End; it's reality .

​BTW- Good luck trying to go to Yves Delorme today - on time .

Friday, January 11, 2019

Some things don't age very well .

Some things that are very important to me - I'd say played a part in my belief system - did not age well. I can only - I have to accept that. They say the farther you go back the more truth you can see - I don't know about that. I know I need to adapt. At least now I know what went wrong. Still, it makes me feel sorry for the young me.

I thought I'd clean as usual to start off the "big" day .

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Who are your frenemies ?

It's so random but last night I had a rather important epiphany. It just occurred to me that all those women... remember how I said I LOATHE women who read erotic novels? Like how there is just this jacked up guy on the cover or some girl in a gown, like they're SO FORMULAIC that they might as well all be the same book. I never read one but I have to judge by the cover & judging by the cover they're basically the same, sad & devoid of substance.

But last night it occurred to me- these women and I have one thing in common- we demand hot guys. No listen. Listen. It's more profound than that - it's open, mass rebellion on society's double standard. If you read hentai like I do (not much, because->), you'll notice there's always these ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS old men or MONSTERS/GOBLINS (WTF!!!) fucking absolutely beautiful women. And it's the same in all the cultures. They continually feature ABSOLUTELY GROSS or PLAIN BORING men in films and pair them with drop dead gorgeous girls. That is absolutely REPULSIVE. It never occurred to me to connect the dots- these women are simply fulfilling their own desire- like me making at least 6 robots in the future. We're on the same page !

I don't care how lame the books are - these women wouldn't find my fantasy all that thrilling either, probably - but the point is we're actually allies rather than enemies. No, why should women put up with this double standard? Fuck. That. Put hot guys on your cover. At least you're reading something. I wouldn't even be doing much talking when I have them toys, I'll just fuck a ton. We're incredibly on the same page. I can no longer stomach any movie or show with a fugly guy as the main character, even if it's a documentary. I don't know if it's the case for these gals, but good for them. No seriously, good for them. My attitude on this has shifted 180° . 

Society will prolly never drop the standard for women- and that's OK. I think fashion & beauty is an important part of human evolution and culture. But starting now, we as women must demand the same from men. Beautiful women settling for HIDEOUS men WILL NO LONGER be the norm. No. NO. NO.

I feel so great about this. These women are not taking any of it. They're creating their own worlds where the guys are hot and say and do the right things. They live their fantasies. Good for them .  I am honestly proud of them. I feel so foolish for not seeing this before. Something clouded my judgment. No it's not literature, silly! These books are TOYS!

On the other hand I do keep wondering how above average looking guys feel when they see in porn and hentai these ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS men fucking beautiful women? It has always confounded me. I mean, I don't think I have ever seen a girl < 6/10 in porno. Well there are some gross ones but those are rare ( & for fetishists) & I don't ever click on those. But if we flip the world upside down and all I'm seeing is some ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS girls fucking hot studs, I'd feel a little weird to say the least. I mean, I couldn't really get off to that. I don't think girls in general can get off to things far beneath them. But somehow guys can? Like even hot guys jerk off but I'm wondering when they see that DISGUSTING old man plowing that pretty young thing, aren't they a little bit turned off by that? Surely they don't fantasize BEING that old man but like this HIDEOUS creature is on your screen & - it's just so confusing .

If a healthy, strong lion sees a sick, limp lion fucking a ...  - It just don't make no sense .

Stressful day? Not really. It should've been.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Get it together - 2 0 1 9

6 guys I will freely fuck in the future - if I CAN JUST GET IT TOGETHER !

6 fuck styles - OMG 

If this don't motivate me as a human being I don't know h'what -

FFS you little earthly ordinary human being and do what you know you must do


Fucking discipline .  Fucking get it back .

Fucking -

I was wrong .

Just admitting I was wrong and JoJo 5 is good and Giorno is HIGHLY FUCKABLE .

In my line now . 

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Do I want to calm down ?

Ask yourself this question : 

" Do I want to calm down ? "

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

What do you want in 2019 ?

I want the world to become a better place - a truer place .  I want to have the tenacity to carry on what I've started - what is ordained .  I want the world in turn to prove I'm not crazy .  More than anything, I want to keep my Faith . 

The Past Year - the Year of Provision has ended .  A new year has begun .