Thursday, December 27, 2018

Will I survive this new year ?

One day in hell. My head actually hurts. It's not migraine, I never get migraines. Would it shock you that my head wound hasn't healed for over 10 years and I'm still bleeding FROM THE HEAD every day? If I reach into my hair in the right position I can still feel the blood clot. The blood clot that never recovers. I feel it in the shower sometimes, too. I think it's an external wound, but when my head hurts it feels like I'm going to die - SOON .  This isn't a Stephen Hawking kind of story.

I'd be OK with if I just drop dead .  I've always been more than prepared for it .  I'm going to live my life as normal . Whenever it's time , I guess.

It looks like a renovation project out there. Abysmal progress. I bet the residents didn't see this coming - this could very well go deep into the next year.

My Hunter socks are here. I have to wash them later with the rest of my laundry but they look good. Can you believe - I saw a guy wearing t shirt (white t shirt no less) with jeans today as if it's still August. I'm here freezing in my hermetically sealed box - yes I've watched it again- point is, I'm freezing, and it's not because it's cold in here - though it's not so warm that anyone can go about in a t shirt either, most people have coats - it's because I'm mentally in hell and that affects my physical condition .  I promise you if I turn the heat way up now I will soon feel too hot . There is not a right temperature. I'm mentally in hell . Therefore I am in hell .

I have this raging disappointment that's been haunting me all my life but it has worsened a lot in the past couple of years. It really is . . . r a g i n g .

Most things aren't enjoyable anymore. That doesn't mean there aren't enjoyable things out there. They are so rare and hard to find .  I'm at a point - I'm on the edge. The tipping point, the precipice.

I don't know if I'll survive this year, Diary .  I don't know if the people I imagine that exist, the rules I believe to be real are true anymore . I have to have faith, at this point it's totally blind faith. I haven't seen a sign- yeah the rules have already been proven true but the thing is they lead to the natural conclusion about the people yet the people have not been there, which is puzzling.

I'm a nifty dandelion drifting in the air and I'm coming apart in the wind , Diary .

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