Tuesday, December 18, 2018

What I want doesn't exist

It's time to face it. - and deploy the best theme. Not just for you, Diary, but for my life. I'm in hell. I'm always in hell, and there is no need to pretend otherwise .

It's a relief finally saying it out loud . It's much more freeing to admit it than scrambling for little pieces of fake happiness to convince myself that there is some sort of . . . hope .

Life is hell, Diary. I've always known. I don't know why I had to pretend otherwise.

And now Christmas. No good thing has ever happened to me during or around Christmas, not only that, I was often in dire trouble. It's the same as I always arrive in the city I'm about to live in at night. Always. Always. Remember? The first view is always the night view.

Christmas is a hellish time - probably the most hellish of the year. Whatever the biggest celebration is in that country I'm living in- that's the most hellish time for me. I can't comprehend all services shutting down is a good thing. But then again, I oppose the whole work arrangement situation and it's unfair that some workers only get to see their family for such short time in a year.

I oppose so many things that any society isn't workable for me. That's why I appear asocial ( but I'm not ). I've a new appreciation for paradox, Diary. Just like if I find people I approve of, I'd be quick to make friends- if there is a suitable society for me, I'd be happy to live in it and contribute. Not saying that I'm not contributing to the current one, in fact as a true saint that I am, I'm doing more than most people- but I'm trying to change it. Can I- will I help create the new society I dream of ? I have met many foolhardy dreamers over the years, and however absurd their ideas sounded at first, I could never write them off.  Who says I'm not as foolhardy as them - when my dream relative to what I have is just as wild ?  And it's not that I envy the ordinary struggle, but I like to fantasize about a society I can be a normal part of- just doing my thing and blend in with everybody else. That normalcy is something I don't get .

Life is disappointing, and hellish. I knew it when I was little. I never actually forgot. I just pretended for maybe 10 years. No more, of course.

No comments:

Post a Comment