Monday, December 31, 2018

Nothing is sacred to them .

I lot of people will vehemently defend the wrong things. I wonder why. No, I know why.

Not a new discovery, sorry. History is renewed, that's all.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Certain Death

Next year is going to be do or die. I'm not trying to not die, I'm trying to do. Again, I'm always happy to die. But nothing would make me happier to fulfill my destiny. I embrace both - gladly .

I know I am an entertaining one to God. One such person beneath me may entertain me this way, as well. I have nothing else to hang on to. I have nothing else to believe in - but why look for something else, when I already have it ?

Being a savior to some is not enough; we have established that this is not a numbers game. There is still much to learn. I know .  I can't see the End .

Friday, December 28, 2018


Is it true that our identity forms when we're very little, and it's never going to change ?  At least I think that is the case for me .  After all these experiences I'm still coming back to the same old things that make me comfortable and feel at home.

I watched Bandersnatch by the way - it's trash - it got cute at one point but it's still trash, and I've gotten tired of down-voting shows to no effect, so I'm going to cancel probably before the trial ends. These are B rated movies, right? And shows? They're all so trash. There are like 10 sets in total in each of them, and the characters are... I can't even call that acting. It's too sad .  I can't .

It's all so cheap and shallow. I can't. I don't know how people can stomach things that are so trite. What's worse is I HAVE things that are better yet I'm still checking it out. Nothing can diminish my faith in humanity.  I wish I have some other tangible things to believe in, because I'd really love to ditch all human beings and believe in something new. There isn't.

I ate all the profiteroles today - if that's any concern . I picked out some books for this collection .  It's still freezing in here . I'm reminiscing because all the new things in the past few weeks are inferior to old in one way.


Thursday, December 27, 2018

Netflix Originals are just YouTube videos w/ better production value

Except black mirror. I had to join it when I realized seeds ain't going to be available for this show no more. It really annoys me how fast Netflix churns out these plain, pointless (even if they make the "point" painfully obvious) ARTLESS shit shows just exploiting various niches and topics. Netflix Originals are just better YouTube videos with higher production value. I know they're doing their best (the directors and actors and stuff - staff) and they're given only minimal budget, but hey, this is bullshit.

All this crap is honestly all so soulless. I wish they'd keep the budget on a few series that's actually original like Black Mirror, but they won't. Butter spread over too much bread - am I right ?  I know it too well . I've learned my lesson, too .   They haven't . That's fine .

Well I guess this means I can relieve my hard drive of much bloated storage. I've really grown to loathe anime, btw. I've not thought about Golden Wind since I last talked about it and now I know I won't even bother with it anymore. Try and find something that's worth my time.

It's so sad.

Will I survive this new year ?

One day in hell. My head actually hurts. It's not migraine, I never get migraines. Would it shock you that my head wound hasn't healed for over 10 years and I'm still bleeding FROM THE HEAD every day? If I reach into my hair in the right position I can still feel the blood clot. The blood clot that never recovers. I feel it in the shower sometimes, too. I think it's an external wound, but when my head hurts it feels like I'm going to die - SOON .  This isn't a Stephen Hawking kind of story.

I'd be OK with if I just drop dead .  I've always been more than prepared for it .  I'm going to live my life as normal . Whenever it's time , I guess.

It looks like a renovation project out there. Abysmal progress. I bet the residents didn't see this coming - this could very well go deep into the next year.

My Hunter socks are here. I have to wash them later with the rest of my laundry but they look good. Can you believe - I saw a guy wearing t shirt (white t shirt no less) with jeans today as if it's still August. I'm here freezing in my hermetically sealed box - yes I've watched it again- point is, I'm freezing, and it's not because it's cold in here - though it's not so warm that anyone can go about in a t shirt either, most people have coats - it's because I'm mentally in hell and that affects my physical condition .  I promise you if I turn the heat way up now I will soon feel too hot . There is not a right temperature. I'm mentally in hell . Therefore I am in hell .

I have this raging disappointment that's been haunting me all my life but it has worsened a lot in the past couple of years. It really is . . . r a g i n g .

Most things aren't enjoyable anymore. That doesn't mean there aren't enjoyable things out there. They are so rare and hard to find .  I'm at a point - I'm on the edge. The tipping point, the precipice.

I don't know if I'll survive this year, Diary .  I don't know if the people I imagine that exist, the rules I believe to be real are true anymore . I have to have faith, at this point it's totally blind faith. I haven't seen a sign- yeah the rules have already been proven true but the thing is they lead to the natural conclusion about the people yet the people have not been there, which is puzzling.

I'm a nifty dandelion drifting in the air and I'm coming apart in the wind , Diary .

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

I miss nothing .

The end is coming .  I didn't realize .

What should we call this year ? 

Joy of Nothing .

My body temperature took a deep dive twice these past two days. It was like all out war. Have I won the battle?

It's almost new year. All I can see is my mistakes, my regrets, many times I let myself and God down. This has been a very important year, and best year so far, but I still only see the glaring imperfections. Not imperfections... but there really is no other word for it.

There is only one reality, and time is ticking. 

I wonder if the eventual motivation of exploring the outer space will be boredom. I can see it. It's not because we've exhausted all our resources on earth, or some catastrophe that can't be recovered - it's simply because some of us are tired of the available regimes - in the past and present, and politics and other stalemates. If humans really want to create something radically different, set new rules, they probably have to colonize outer space.

I have so little hope for what's going on here. I can dream, you can dream, everyone can dream. But to bring those dreams to reality... I mean, when you really dream big... 

I am comfortable in hell - because I'm familiar with it. I know there is no way of getting out. I don't know where I'll go after this life. I'm grateful for this life, but there is this enormous hopelessness.

Eating is such a tiring chore, Diary. I'm not baking anything again unless it's for more people.  This Sunday is the Feast of the Holy Family. If you can look away from the decors and sales and see Christmas or any such holiday for what it is, which I do -  Christianity is pretty boring. It's boring, lame and desperate that people have to select their names, roles, morals and plot points from such a little book for centuries. I'm drowning in this despair.

There is much to lose your hope over in hell. This is nothing. There is also everything else.

I cannot see a single thing from others that gives me hope. I'm not the only saint, I know...

There isn't that much flavor packed in subtleties. Most people I remotely care about are playing low risk discretion game which progresses slowly .

I wonder if this is how it started every time.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

As Predicted .

It takes more than patience and discipline to do the right thing. Sometimes you need a little push and God has given me a big push. Now that I've lost the last bit of mindless fun, I have to completely focus.

How do you like this pre-death experience so far, huh?

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever rain .   I wish whoever is singing so terribly every so often just die .

Diary, I'm trying to reach my salvation . I'm trying to see the light - or complete darkness, but not as a human being . 

Friday, December 21, 2018

Do the anti - intuitive thing .

& Only keep what works , but also keep in mind that a lot of things are circumstantial .

So don't assume a pattern or linear causality .

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

A knight will steal from you .

You'll never know . 

A town with 10 residents - what does that look like ?  There are hundreds, no no, thousands, no - tens of thousands towns seeing their population diminished over the last century . People had good reason to abandon them, of course.  Yet there are still not enough connected places to migrate to. The places that should be connected aren't, which is why you're seeing so many highway / rail projects right now .  Why are basic infrastructure so late in places it shouldn't be? I don't know . If you are the sun and your miles are your rays, I mean . . . you're still limited at the end of the day . What communities have people built ?  Why are they so generic and bland ? 

A knight stole from me, and so I was a bit disillusioned .  A knight will steal from me again if I give them the chance, which I won't. The role-players no longer stand for the values associated with their role, that's the problem. But how do you disassociate them mentally without learning a hard lesson first ? That's also a problem .

Adjust my expectation. Of course. Not everything is entertainment, mind you. Then what is it? It becomes trite real quick. It was roleplaying then & it is roleplaying now, but it feels like they suck at it now. People lack professionalism. I suppose it's not all bad when you have unlikely characters doing noble things, but hey, they're too few.

There is not enough subtlety or layers in anything anymore. People forget that ambiguity can be beautiful sometimes. Do they even know what they're chasing now?

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

What I want doesn't exist

It's time to face it. - and deploy the best theme. Not just for you, Diary, but for my life. I'm in hell. I'm always in hell, and there is no need to pretend otherwise .

It's a relief finally saying it out loud . It's much more freeing to admit it than scrambling for little pieces of fake happiness to convince myself that there is some sort of . . . hope .

Life is hell, Diary. I've always known. I don't know why I had to pretend otherwise.

And now Christmas. No good thing has ever happened to me during or around Christmas, not only that, I was often in dire trouble. It's the same as I always arrive in the city I'm about to live in at night. Always. Always. Remember? The first view is always the night view.

Christmas is a hellish time - probably the most hellish of the year. Whatever the biggest celebration is in that country I'm living in- that's the most hellish time for me. I can't comprehend all services shutting down is a good thing. But then again, I oppose the whole work arrangement situation and it's unfair that some workers only get to see their family for such short time in a year.

I oppose so many things that any society isn't workable for me. That's why I appear asocial ( but I'm not ). I've a new appreciation for paradox, Diary. Just like if I find people I approve of, I'd be quick to make friends- if there is a suitable society for me, I'd be happy to live in it and contribute. Not saying that I'm not contributing to the current one, in fact as a true saint that I am, I'm doing more than most people- but I'm trying to change it. Can I- will I help create the new society I dream of ? I have met many foolhardy dreamers over the years, and however absurd their ideas sounded at first, I could never write them off.  Who says I'm not as foolhardy as them - when my dream relative to what I have is just as wild ?  And it's not that I envy the ordinary struggle, but I like to fantasize about a society I can be a normal part of- just doing my thing and blend in with everybody else. That normalcy is something I don't get .

Life is disappointing, and hellish. I knew it when I was little. I never actually forgot. I just pretended for maybe 10 years. No more, of course.

Friday, December 14, 2018

to who ?

This organic frustration is growing in me .

I know I can complain about anything to you , but I wish there are good news to share . 

What is the most timeless thing - besides time itself ? 

The thing that has existed the longest . . . and has meaning ?

The Turrons are so Goddamn awful, never again .

I wish I had good news to tell you .

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Not an actual Christmas Market

Paying for Microsoft Office for the first time today. I know.  Interesting time I grew up in. One can't rely on torrenting sites now, I wonder what poor kids will do. This would've absolutely changed my life if it happened when I was little. What's interesting is the pricing is fair. I've paid for a lot of software over the years, Diary, don't get me wrong, but only when pirating did not seem viable.

I don't think that's a Christmas market I saw today. They only sold figurines and small trees. I understand why they prolly don't want people stuffing their face in front of the big church but . . . why does that make sense ?

I also thought a lot about NYC today. Nothing further. What's its point ?  Good God , Diary .

Monday, December 10, 2018

New Ways To Play Old Games

I have found yet another way to play an old game. I just can't put up with soulless new games anymore, God. I know I just talked about it the other day but damn, I need games in my life. It's supposed to be this wonderful, self contained world full of imagination and truly mind-opening designs and not washed up old tricks  . . .

Side note, I want to get it out of the way. You know how people don't find models funny yet they themselves find themselves funny because they make funny faces? The truth behind this is models and people who are told they're gorgeous all their life worry if they're too beautiful for the masses, to the point that it creates a distance. They think because their looks stand out so much it's going to make them look standoffish, even intimidating. I'm not mocking this at all, it's very normal. It's like when a smart person wants to mingle with his dumb friends, he wouldn't use the same topics when he's with all his smart friends. When he's hanging out with the masses he'd be like "sup, sup did you watch the game last night" "dude that's great" or stuff like that. So it's not unfounded and I'm not mocking them.

But the thing is, right, that's not "funny". You making silly faces does not equal to a stand up comedian doing his bit. There is no way that's "funny". Your intention is actually transparent, at least to me. Point 1.

Point 2, which is more important, is they think too highly of themselves. People all have their own aesthetics and not all people are going to love one appearance, and frankly, no human in the history of the world is that drop dead gorgeous. People sensationalize when they give compliment, I thought they know that. They're not that gorgeous.  So there is no need to fuss over it. No one is going to find your beauty intimidating.

( Right after I typed this post I recalled all those times the stereotypical "nerds" or whatever claimed they do get intimidated by attractive people. Hey it's not like they're your core audience, right ? I don't know, whatever. I don't bother with the pointless working of that kind of psychology . )

And when God & your parents give you good looks - Point 3 - you should do your best to present it. You shouldn't be undermining your own image, sticking a retarded dog face or tongue-out filter on your photo or some other dumb shit. All I see is insecurities. You shouldn't be ruining your own image - that just shows how little you know of its value. Imagine ruining your biggest asset. Imagine a smart person saying dumb shit all day to make himself look more approachable. Imagine a shop owner putting graffiti all over his shop to attract edgy teens. 

You know how people say empathetic people are really caring ?  H'well, there are exceptions to that  .  I know I am extremely empathetic. When I see people do stupid shit, my first instinct is to actually understand them. Here I have demonstrated that I understand the psychology of the self deprecating models in a neutral context. If I am a caring person I'd stop right there and appreciate their good intentions, having realized that these models are not stuck up but rather considerate of others, maybe even think highly of these human human beings  .  Yet I'm not like that . Understanding where someone is coming from never stopped me from loathing them .

I don't really judge people solely by action or intention, Diary. It's not clear cut like that. I just know I resent all sorts of people. Imagine if you didn't understand all this. Then you can wonder "I don't know why but I just find it irritating" and move on. It's because I understand the innocuous motives behind really dumb acts that witnessing them is so insufferable. I really can't .

There is very little evil left in the world. I guarantee most conflicts we have today all have some sorts of misunderstanding and probable cause behind them. And, you know h'what, stupidity can't be fight like evil. When you see evil, you know exactly what to do and you can quickly unite people to fight it. But when it's mixed gray area, like strict copyright laws where you have both corporate interests & indie rights holders who are prolly as plain as yourself on the same side, it's not so cut and dried.

I feel pretty stupid myself for not knowing how to fight stupidity ( on a scale ) . Bill Gates is still fighting world hunger. We're not there yet - we will never be there. Every time I remember how Elon Musk talks about living on Mars I want to puke. For a long time I have felt that humanity has become irredeemable for me .  I can't think of a single living soul I want to connect with .  People possess no quality I desire and quite on the contrary, they're ridden with modern diseases .

No matter what, I will cede that like pigs, people deserve to find happiness regardless of what place or time they're living in .   I understand that .

Sunday, December 9, 2018

I shout !

I guess it wasn't a total nightmare last night because in my dream - the usual school scene - I convinced a man who was in the wrong to commit suicide .  But I was woken up by this idiot singing upstairs .  Absolutely atrocious singing .

Good God .

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Nightmare last night

IN this infinite maze, haunted house populated with all sorts of monsters . . .  the escape was on a loop and I was getting out of breath  . 

I got a clue that if I go behind that door and turn twice there is like a smaller space in there which looked totally normal - a window to the normal life outside of this crazy world . I gotta solve a problem and say . . . respond to this radio "one and a half" and go hide under the bed in another room - and time will pass, like 12,000 years while the monsters would get eradicated. I did that. A man came in and said they developed chemical weapons against them .  So it's after 12,000 years.

I was truly terrified in that house. The monsters were . . . 


I don't know why I get nightmares all night every night when all I want to do is to get some rest .

how bored and lonely people are

Not just movies like Venom, there are so many phenomena and behaviors that can be explained with just people being bored and lonely. So much of the economy is circulating around this topic... theme... lifestyle. If this is the biggest problem of the century, fine. There is no sympathy from me. It makes looking backward so much simpler because I'm not missing out on anything.

The Lisianthus lasted 20 days btw. H'why didn't I tell you. I don't know.

There are new things that aren't disappointing. Devil May Cry 5 , probably. I've given up on Civ. I don't care about the DLCs and I probably won't care about Civ 7 .  I haven't started hoi4 and I haven't bothered with EUIV either .  I haven't played much game at all this year to be honest. DMC5 may very well become the only game I play in 2019 - which is fine .

I can't deal with people making a big deal out of half a percentage point. We've come pretty far to reach this level of stabilization, but to me it seems like stagnation, and I just can't.

I can't take NY Times seriously anymore after seeing the whole week of Thanksgiving the top article on the chart was about weight loss. It's so transparent. You can tell what their audience is, it's graphic. Plenty of shit went down that week and all they care about is how to lose weight. I mean, you know... just the demographics. Then again I do see it makes a good point from time to time. That thing just really puts me off though.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Stale - Inedible Health Food

I will never eat "specialty" health food again - I'd rather not eat anything at all than eat health food .

This isn't the future.  Oh by the way, I won't eat lab grown meat either. I'm going to eat the flesh off of real animals who can't- couldn't have suffered as much as I have anyway. Yeah, exactly - when you think about it like that - Why can't I have a nice piece of veal when the animal has not suffered 0.000000000000001% as I have ? Be glad I've eaten you .

Damn . Alright Diary . I know this isn't what you expected .

Monday, December 3, 2018

King's Creamer

Who knew there is an actual figurine inside of it ? Who would've thunk ?

Everything Sways me 

 I 'd think it is a good thing I'm open-minded, but it's paradoxical like that  -  should I always be open-minded ? What does that mean ?

 Today I realized I'm old - because it did not occur to me that someone younger than me was out there .  But they were - they are . To keep yourself always open-minded, does that in a sort of way means admitting defeat ? Yes, life is a long process . Yes, even I have to think about finding someone who can be a successor to me .  But it's so hard in admitting that there is no "self" - no real self, and we're all here to serve an abstract purpose .  You'll be much more comfortable if you disagree .

When was I ever comfortable, Diary .

Sunday, December 2, 2018

I wish nothing but the worst

for those people and more . 

I don't think anybody even myself knows how easily triggered I am .  All of the words that are used to describe various snowflakes can be used to describe me, except . . .

Oh I don't mean people here. It's people I've sort of lost connection with - but they're a problem, now I see .  I've been really unhappy with how stagnant things have been .  Especially when there's a big problem to be dealt with .

​I know for sure, and it's unfair. It's unfair to be lumped with people you don't identify with .  Right now I can't do anything besides wishing nothing but the worst for them . 

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Who would've thunk

1/12/0000  you'd think . .

Who would'v thunk that in the very short hour of me trying to masturbate and then ( in order to ) get out of bed I was interrupted 3 times to receive 3 packages of about 10 kilograms ?  Atlein makes some truly funky jerseys, I tell you.

You can easily get hypersensitive if you see everything as a trade off .   I won't do that .  I will try not to do that . 

The world is elastic. It gets wider, and then narrower, and somehow deeper and somehow shallower . . . while it pretty much stays the same, everything being equal to itself even in motion .  What I'm trying to say is . . . it's . .  you know h'what, I just forgot  -  never mind .