Wednesday, November 28, 2018

I will throw up

Diary -

remember that when I don't talk to you, it's never because of good things. I feel so sick right now - from eating ice cream while watching Venom. It's so sickening. Everyone who likes Marvel has to be a retarded piece of shit, there is no way around it. I really want to throw up.

There are no things to look up to. I'd love to look up to someone - who is a living human being, or a work that's come out in our time. I can't look up to incremental improvement. I want to look up... look at a supernova. We don't have that anymore.

Ew no wait! I wasn't implying that I thought that film could be... ew ew ew!! No! NO !  Don't misunderstand me, please! No. I would like to see where some industry stand today and that's why I went and watched it. It's so gross and sickening. It's unbearable.

Some people say Elon Musk. Kids adore him because there is the cool factor, but it just turns my stomach ( the cool factor ). The other day I saw him saying in an interview that he doesn't want a future where we don't live on Mars and I liked that. I mean I still oppose the idea and remember what I said about human civilization on another planet, but at least he's not being boring.

There are distinctions about boring, Diary. Ha, we're not talking about that company, we're done talking about Elon Musk now. I mean, the reason so many people watched & liked this film is because of, I'm guessing, boredom. But it's very different kind of boredom. The total disgust I'm feeling right now is not a renewed boredom but a truly fundamental, existential loathing of absolute inferior things being produced let alone celebrated .

On the other hand at the same time, I feel like more and more people are syncing up .  There are indeed less and less dumb people in the world. People are beginning to think about similar things. I wouldn't call it a hive mind just yet. But tell me, could I survive in a hive mind? I don't think so. It never brings me comfort. To see others ponder what I'd been pondering up until that point was unnerving. This connectedness is unnerving. To think others can do what I can do is unnerving .  I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. I have to literally rise above the ocean of people to not drown. Is it comfortable down there? I don't know. I don't want to know.

Every day I'm tormented by this dread and a million other things .  I want our distance to be greater. I want the safety - the true comfort, to me - that they'll never touch me .  And I know I'll get that as long as I follow my own .

This familiarity can be too much. My whole life I've been searching for strangeness - new things in new environment that I can study and adapt to, and leave once it becomes too familiar. It sounds ridiculous but I'm running out of places to go. On this planet earth. You know what I mean. A town isn't different than the other town. You don't even need to go to the town to get to know the town. I wouldn't say every piece of information is readily available, but . . .  I don't want to look back .  I don't want to sit down and work on it. I still think there are places I should go. I still want to run. I still want to chase, but I don't have things I feel like I should chase after.

The good things are behind us. And before you say a word, I know, and you know, and God knows, that's not what I mean. What is lost is not necessarily dead .  But it feels like a resurrection is next to impossible .  What machines will we become ?

I'm desperate. I'm lost. I'll admit it. I'm so lost. The way is before me, I know where it leads, but I'm hoping for an alternative in my heart. The End is one way or the other, but I'm hoping for a third option . The best option that is not seen .

How do people survive all the lies and false promises if not by being ignorant ? This understanding is not sympathy; this consideration is not forgiveness.

I tidied up the kitchen a bit and now I feel a bit better. Venom did make me physically sick tho. Never forget that.

& Brexit isn't this big stupid thing. If there is one thing the English ( not necessarily all British )  is good at it's long term planning. Leveraging the rest of the world against the EU is very smart, especially after witnessing the rise of China and such .

I am still . . . The End Game got a lot bigger - now I know . I still . . .

Diary .  I  -

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