Monday, October 29, 2018

now stabbing dream

Now I'm getting stabbed in my dream. We're moving from outside to inside. The terrifying thing is the room looks a lot like my real home. It's this middle aged man dressed up in rags like he's homeless, and he's holding the knife, and my dad is in the background and I think he also had a knife. I had a knife, too, though a small one, the size of the scissors you use to cut threads with. I kept hoping my dad would help me take this man down, but he kept pretending to have phone calls and going from room to room, all the while the man was approaching me. I finally gave up hope and decided to fight him myself. I had a strong conviction that I still remember now -  " so what if I have to fight him alone? It's not like I don't have a weapon. My weapon is small and I may get stabbed, but I'll defeat him . "

It's no mystery that my dreams are spawned from my immense distrust in mankind and huge despair for the world . There is no need to analyze it.

I exhausted all the hot water today while exfoliating myself in the shower. I came out. I am still not alright.

I only want to play this game with people who know the rules, Diary, and there are so few of them. So few of us. When two people meet - when any number of people meet - it's only meaningful if there is a clash of values, and it only matters if the clash of values will lead to something significant. I avoid waste and needless sacrifice at all cost, but I never shy away from conflict .  The  pieces  are , however , far between in space and time .

I'd still fuck Gin .

I almost forgot -  I heard some disturbing things about Gin . People were calling him "useless grass" in Japanese  ( literal translation -  I guess that's a new slang ) because he really didn't accomplish much in the face-offs .  First of all, no .  The world of Case Closed is very much unbalanced, everyone knows that .  In my world -  one which I'd fuck him , the Org as a whole will actually put up a good fight .  I mean, the flaws people point out are still valid, but way the world is set up is insanely not fair .  It's fine if some critical fans call him "grass" but I'm not going to let that affect me into not fucking him .

I may now dig my nails into his skin since he appears weaker than I first thought .

I r i s

How can I not spend the first 10 minutes after shower in front of a mirror ?  I look so good with red glow . Shower is fantastic .

 but let me tell you about the apocalyptic dream I had last night. Words cannot describe it, actually - I'm just going to say it and hopefully you can recall the full scenario. I don't think I can ever forget the scene. There has never been so many deaths in one dream. A whole city was demolished. It's the End of the World scenario. Apparently I lived near this airport and all of the sudden the city started collapsing, and all these scaffolding and construction bits, so many things that are like radio towers and construction cranes fell from the sky, like 500 meters from above- and 7 or 8 of them just fell over me, and I remember wishing for a quick death. I don't know if they hit me but I clearly remember I couldn't move, I just stood and watched them- these huge towers- fell &  it was so terrifying. The city was being razed. These things destroyed many airplanes, in the end only 1 was working. I remembering hiding in the ruins in the airport and listening to the radio broadcast. Everything was in ruins. In the End.  Everything was coming to an end. The End. It was the End. The End. THE END. This dream truly instilled fear in me. Words just cannot describe it. It's so vivid. It was dark and grim. The earth, dirt and smoke. I could hear! I could hear things collapsing! I could feel it! It was so real. I hope you remember all the details at this hint.

​I woke up to an overcast day .

This is not exactly what I had in mind when I got the tall vase. Yeah I'm sure this will last 10 days but looks like I need extra tall flowers now. I need a medium vase. I have a small one and a big one, now I need an in-between. 
I'll start creating arrangement after I'm done appreciating all varieties individually . ( Roses & carnations are exceptions )

By the way, as I was putting this down, I noticed it cast a very interesting shadow . On the yoga mat .

Saturday, October 27, 2018

O h

I can keep living here if it keeps raining like this, which it won't, but the air is so fresh right now I can smile the ocean from . . . one mile away.

Can you believe I was involved in a performance art piece yesterday? "Involved", in a minor capacity .  I wanted to tell you as soon as I came back, but I was too tired. As I sat there watching the double panel film, I began to wonder if museum can exalt any message, or that there are only so few platforms left that are suitable for a strong voice, contrary to what it seems. Yeah, I mean, there is evidence.

And there was a wall of text that spoke my mind. I didn't have time to check out the introduction before I got invited to participate in the performance art thing - I really should, because I don't know if the artist is in agreement with the wall or against it. Common sense tells me they have to be against it. But I agreed with it. "Safe, sacred or sane". OK I found it. The wall of text is Jenny Holzer's "Inflammatory Essays", and the wall is made of the colorful originals. Nobody spent long enough in front of that wall to read all the pieces, that's my problem. People never spend enough time in front of a single artwork. They're just walking and busy being confused. No.

The other day I found out I was a hardcore leftist, if you have to label me in the American standard. There is no more question and I don't need to take any more online political test. I found out about that in an article. And yes, I suppose I am a feminist even though I would never participate in their demonstration. We act radically differently towards the same goal, that's what I learned. The modern feminist movement still focuses on deconstructionism, which I have a big problem with. But it's good to know that we're working toward the same end even though our paths are so different.

Wait. Just a second.

I don't know. I understand, I sympathize, that's all. I can't say we really share the same goal when our values are different. I know I never belong to any camp . . .  an act is an act, I suppose. An identity was solidified, and I'm actually drifting further and further away from that supposed camp .

Friday, October 26, 2018

Trust issue

Diary, how much do you want to share with the world ?  Well, I've shared so much with you . . .

You're getting on whoever's car, having whoever deliver your stuff, having whoever cook your food. Now they're talking about brain interface. I don't think merging our thoughts is the way to get super-intelligence. First of all, you can't merge opposite views. You can't merge "I love Y" and "I hate Y". The futurists haven't thought this one through. I know how they think. They haven't figured out step one of thought-merging, which you don't need high tech to run tests for; you just need to observe two people talk .  It's a dangerous and stupid step, this. Humans need clear guidance.

Yes, I'd be very happy to relegate most of the human tasks to AI- AI-enabled objects and procedures, absolutely. I don't believe in collective intellect. I just don't.

And I know, we're sacrificing less and less of our herd in exchange for progress. Maybe 0.1% uber drivers will want to kidnap you, and it'll be 0.01% in the future. Maybe self driving car will be 1000x safer than humans driving. As outrageous as it sounds, I don't think that is the point .  I've said that the way to measure an adult's success is their ability to fulfill their fantasy, but I'm beginning to wonder if the quality of our fantasies has gone down . It definitely has if you take what you heard for granted. As for myself, I know clearly so .  Conquering the galaxy will mean nothing if we're just going to build the same civilization that we have now , even based on the same principles .  Sure, we can live on Mars. Can we have a better civilization on Mars ?  I don't think so.  So what if we live on Mars ?   It doesn't really matter . 

I maintain that humans have peaked. Every day I challenged myself on this view, and at the end of every day my conclusion is validated.  I believe what humans want, what humans are capable of and what humans ought to do are very different things, and it's sad that these have been used interchangeably for so long .

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Once upon a time

Can yo believe that Once Upon A Time, not too long ago that I actually seriously thought about designing and SELLING underground bomb shelters ?  The idea seriously appealed to me at the time -  I found myself thinking about all kinds of designs for vaults throughout the day. I have never played Fallout, by the way. I think the only thing I like about that game is the Vault-boy adverts.


Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Extreme Stress

I used to adjust the volume to 26-30 at night, as supposed to 40-60 in day time .  Now it's 10 . What does that mean?

I'm overly sensitive because I'm under immense pressure .  I can't help it. How are you going to cope when you've learned that there is so much fluff out there ?  I can't accept it. I can never accept it. The language has been misused and recycled .

When the world is done leveling, do you think the vast majority of land, which will contain poor people- actually most lands will be owned by the very few, but fact will remain that most inhabited land belongs to the poor- do you think it'll all become a no-go zone?

You could anchor yourself and explore the radius, I guess. No. It's not that. I'm under stress. Too much stress.

Monday, October 22, 2018

no forum

the fundamental underlying insecurity any human with intellect thus also works of intellect is not knowing, or telling the truth .

Math is what, how & why, is it ? Is it Discovery or Invention? Are the rules really  universal ?

We can't go to the end of the universe to test those theories. It's in our heads... and within our grasp, I guess.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Cheer up a lil

The weather has been great and by that I mean raining. It's been raining every other day and I'm so grateful .

​The raining sound is so soothing and the thunders are so arousing. I could listen to this for hours . . .  no , Days . . .

​And it's the perfect temperature indoors. It's warm just because of my presence. And that coolness whenever I open the window . .

Tonight may have been the best night.

I want autumn to last forever, Diary, but it can't always be autumn. Trees must grow leaves first, the budding, the greening, the lushness, then the brief fall, and falling - until they're all gone, and again. Autumn is such a brief period of time. It's so beautiful, yet so short. It's almost unbearably short. You can always find a place that's always hot or always cold, but you can never find a place that's always in autumn. Yet something so short, autumn is my season .

I . .

YT Reflection

I can't believe I lost the draft. It's OK. Forces me to get lean.

To recap, I watched shane dawson's jake paul series with AdBlock, I subscribed to his channel solely for notification and unsubscribed immediately after the last part came out. This is what I get :

1. shane dawson is running this kind of internet celeb custom PR service. He gets good press for controversial figures and befriends them for benefits down the road and reaps a bunch of views, it's just business. The senseless stretching of absolutely no content is unholy, however, and the blatant lies about working hard (which some people will regurgitate even in front of evidence of one inferior video after another) is an insult to anyone who's actually worked hard a day in their life.

2. The whole sociopath angle is hilariously pointless, but was crucial for me to discover the Better Help Scam arc. The Scam is infinitely more important than the series which is essentially useless and harmless. It exposes (other than the scam itself) who YouTube's core userbase is: the YouTubers' main purpose is to sell low quality POD "merch" or other white label products, push referral codes and affiliate links, beg for donation and now they'll lie about anything to scam, and their audience will gobble it up because they're so bored and poor (ironically making the Youtubers' success) and their standard for entertainment is so low. This climate affects at least 60 million people.

3. I get this weird vibe that shane dawson wants jake paul to throw his family under the bus. Not that I have a moral stance on this thing since people have been doing it since caveman days & it'll continue forever, but as this girl alissa violet told her story and talked about her thought process, all I could think of was how the brothers would laugh it off about how they fucked the same silly girl some time ago. In a traditional society, a man fucking a woman is taking and a woman getting fucked by a man is giving. Alissa is not getting any revenge by giving herself twice to both brothers. And just like jake paul would save his relationship with his brother rather than a non-girlfriend, he is obviously not going to throw his family under the bus in this interview. The kid tried so hard to hold back, evading all those 'but if you want to (throw them under the bus)... it's ok' and he did ( for good reason). That's why we get nothing.

That's all. I don't consider it a waste of time even though I have to mentally prepare myself for the boredom and insipidness before watching each video and cope with the loss of time afterward, because I have learned about the Better Help Scam and got to understand the platform better.

 b t w

That Kati Morton alone explains why there is no such thing as actual therapy. She looks cold, ignorant yet entitled and completely untrustworthy. All therapy is is to force you to solve your own problems while the therapist keeps a record of it and makes money off of your misery. All therapists are sadists, completely opposite of sympathy. There really doesn't need to be more explanation. It's just a Scam whether in person or online as much as Better Help.

Really, that's it.

Thursday, October 18, 2018



Would you believe if I told you this is my favorite flower .

​It's true .

I got to think a lot about responsibility today . . . taking a lot of responsibility. It is the Only thing to do in life, so .

I will it. Yes, I will it .

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

On my nerves

Why am I so impatient with a thing I have to do every 10 years ? 

I don't know.

Are you looking forward to riding the metro and walking for hours? Neither am I.  I'll do it.  It's good for the soul. Walking never clears my head but I can go for a walk.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Do you want a hideous passport photo ?

Because now you have one. I can't go back there anymore. I've wasted 10e down there and each time it's so hot in there and the photo looks like crap. No more booth. And imagine my despair when I found out it's still summer today... at least 30C in the station. Probably 26-27 outside, nothing like 21-22 said on the weather report. Never trust weather report.  It rained last night though so I'm happy about that .

You know what about the scaffolding though, it might have been a blessing in disguise. At first I was annoyed with the noise, but with the slacking they've got going on, I've got a net curtain that blocks the view somewhat from the creeps across the street for over a month now . They can't look over here anymore in day time, how neat is that .  It's still creepy though. The other night I caught an ABSOLUTE UNIT of a man staring straight at me even with my blinds drawn. He could see my silhouette in my bed and I could see his in his window. I also caught him staring in day time before ( near evening ) and I immediately drew the blinds. That time at night I had to quickly turn off the light. It's fucking gross. I hate having to respond to this. They're all casual like "Oh I can look whenever I want" and I have to fucking let down the blinds and turn off the light? Fuck that. Fuck any city. City life is the worst. I'm also cursing all heinous men, young or old, that do creepy shit like this. Fuck off and die .

I hope my knife set will arrive some time this week. If not, well I'll just have to wait won't I . 

Appointment is a lot sooner than I'd initially expected.  Don't be late .

Despair & Salvation

I understand but I -

Sunday, October 14, 2018

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Let me paint you a picture :

You wouldn't hang around in a graveyard, you wouldn't live on a landfill, you wouldn't forage for food in a dumpster, so why are you spending so much time in backward places on the internet? Curiosity? No, I think that's over.

But everywhere else you look, it's a whole lot of nothing as well. So much has been built up that this has become affordable, but it's also so painful. I hate looking back, but sometimes it feels there is only looking back- for a more picturesque view.

Let's get through the profiles no matter what.

​Now that the hierarchy is clear.

Everything is not rosy; everything can't be rosy


Saturday, October 13, 2018

Day 0

I like it when you dine outdoors and the wind blows the salad out of your plate onto the face of a goose that's just passing by. And the goose eats it and it's happy .

100% Pure Paradise

Friday, October 12, 2018

" I'm chilling, man "

Why is there always someone, or people that's "chilling" when they're not supposed to? Like there's a big moment & they're "just chilling" and acting all casual? Totally out of place. So clueless and annoying. FUCK OFF.

I can't stand people who are ALWAYS fucking "just chilling". Fuck off to another planet ffs

Cringe & Focus

I had a funny dream last night man. It makes no sense so I'm not telling it.

But I'm reminded of my own cringy experience in Poland ( a g a i n ) . I did a lot of cringe stuff in Poland . . .

The other day it occurred to me, I have 70 hours / week to work on stuff that truly matters . Not one hour more. The rest is all devoted to consumption. "Enjoying life". So to speak. So, that's clear.

I'm a human being.  So it all makes sense.

7-8 hours for sleep. Still 6-7 hours left. That's a lot. 1 hour for showers. 1-2 for food. Still 4 or more hours left. That's a lot, for real. I gotta be more selective about how I spend that time man. I really wasn't selective at all prior to this point. I've said this all my life but I keep falling back on the same habits. I can't do that no more. I can't let kids con me, are you fucking kidding me?

YouTube & reddit? Any internet personality or drama at all ? Come on. Please. I feel stupid. I don't have to view things from their angle no more since I'm constantly reminded that they're fucking retarded. Worst of all, I'm part of the problem since I'm contributing to giving them attention. I can see from my adult point of view that these kids will regret what they do and say in less than a year. What the fuck. I guess I've truly grown up now. I don't even want a shred- a single trace of that kiddie shit in my life.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Motion Sickness

Livestreams still make me physically sick.

No more. Just highlights from now.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

On the other hand

I don't have those MMPI 2 files now. I know you shouldn't self-diagnose, but I swear I can do better than so many of the so called "professionals" with that handbook. I'll tell you why all shrinks are sham later. I'd just really like to see how I'm faring now compared to the last time I took it in 2016... 2014? 2013? Definitely within 5 years.

Anyway. The last time I went through the process and chronicled about it here, I scored pretty high in persecutory fantasy and schizophrenia, so if that's that, I have nothing to worry about. I know for a fact I don't have persecutory fantasy about the things I'm actually sacrificing, but having to keep it a secret and all may have exacerbated my stress and I have probably developed actual persecutory fantasy about other stuff as a result . I know the difference .

But I'm still going to buy a pocket knife though. I've relegated stuff like this so much to Google that I just searched "weapon shop". No I don't want a gun. I fucking hate guns. Their looks, the way they work, everything about them. ( Note : this doesn't contradict the statement I made a couple days earlier; I did use Guns & Ammo to help myself sleep in college. ) Nukes or knives - all the way. Where the fuck do I even go to buy a Swiss army knife?

It's sold on ECL website l o l


OK wait W T F

You wanna tell me why they sell Winchester semiautomatic rifles on that website too ? ! ? !

K i d n a p p i n g D r e a m

The weather report had been lying for 3 days as it said it's going to rain for 3 days straight and I didn't see a single drop, but tonight when it said the probability is 90-100%, it had to deliver. What's better than taking a very hot bath while it's raining outside? Just gorgeous. Wish I could hear some thunders soon.

Who knew in just 5 - less than 6 hours of sleep, one could have two kidnapping dreams back to back? I had a remarkable dream the other day, too that I've ironically forgotten- but let me tell you now.

The first dream occurred in this absolutely dark coal town. It reeks of heavy industry and the factories are tall and immense, and more importantly than anything the toxic smoke covered the sky and every building is black because it's covered in tar and coal. Now. This is supposed to be Milan ? ! Or the other city. I just got off the plane there and I needed to go to Milan, or the other way around. Now this scene was immediately unnerving, and it seemed there were only these large silver buses that ferried people around. I joined a bunch of people to wait in line and they were very loud and obnoxious, which drove me to make the mistake of leaving them. I walked around the very dark, very dangerous and very industrial-looking town and when I came back, all the buses and people were gone. All the people who needed to leave like myself have boarded the buses and left, and no more buses will come. All that is left in this town are locals now. Fear started swallowing me as I ran around the town over and over again in circles and saw these shadowy locals lurking about. Even children playing football looked so ominous to me. I encountered this gang member in black suit in this alley and I knew I had to get past him to find a way out, but he stopped me and asked for a sum of money that's a currency of the town which equaled to $3000. I thought it was absurd and no one has that much cash on them so I turned and ran away, but I encountered another gang member in the other way, and they kidnapped me.

That's where the first dream ends.

Soon I was thrown into this other scenario where I apparently was still being hunted but blended in with these middle school children (so I guess I was about that age, too) on a field trip. I made friends with a girl and told her what's going on. The school bus stopped at one point and all the students poured out, taking a break or whatever. Me and my friend used the restroom on the side of the road and went back on the bus and exchanged a few words with the bus driver, and the bus started moving again. In an hour or two while we were on the road I suddenly realized we were not going the right way, and the bus driver smiled... smirked and said, "haven't you noticed that this bus is empty?" I looked around and indeed there were only me and my friend in there! The kidnappers have sent an identical bus that drove away as soon as I boarded and I haven't noticed anything. I immediately panicked. And then the bus turned into an ordinary car- light bluish like one of those cars in the 70s that you can always find by the beach. I sat next to the driver and I realized he was not one of the kidnappers but someone hired for the transport. I asked how much he's getting paid and he said 510-520 per mile, and I said I will pay him 25% more if he let me go. I had an inkling that the kidnappers wanted to kill me. They must want me dead. Because the inheritance I got in the beginning of the dream (this whole time I thought the kidnappers were going after my inheritance from grandma) was $17,884 while they were willing to pay the driver so much more. I had to make him believe I can top that. Anyway, in the end he asked if I wanted to live with him for 30 days, and I firmly said no. And even in my dream I was conscious about what's going to happen, so I literally ended it. I started waking myself up from the dream at that point knowing it wouldn't have a happy ending.

It's so strange. The first thing I decided when it's over was I need to carry a knife with me at all time from now on. At least a Swiss army knife set. I don't want something like this to happen only to remember that I had this dream and wrote about it in my diary. You don't think this is going to happen the next time I go out to explore, right? Do you?

It made me think. My first mode of protection has always been to not establish connection with people in the first place, but if a situation is really sprung up on me, I don't know if I can handle it. Can I really escape from a kidnapper? - I don't know. Why did I have these dreams?

Why would anyone kidnap me ?

I don't want you to say "it's just a dream"  -  because when I remember everything so vividly I . . .

Monday, October 8, 2018

Only Lasted 5 Days !

What the hell did I do wrong .

Sunday, October 7, 2018

A Circle So Small That No One -

A Circle so small that no one can afford discrimination. What it means, if I find another one of its kind, even if it's a disabled bisexual 8/8 parts of different ethnicities with questionable morals and weird kinkz, like even if he or she fucks goats and gives blow job to cats and dogs, and has a criminal record and is generally a nefarious person, I shall be over the moon. That's how small the Circle is. I know in reality they're much more normal like myself.

My only kink is I only want to fuck fictional characters. How bad do you feel when you know the guys you want to fuck don't exist until you make them ? All responsibility falls on me . Give it time. I swear to God I will make them in Italy. Until then I must refrain from hentai and porn. Refrain a little.

Anyway. Another reason for detachment: most problems most people have don't apply to people in this Circle. Of course I still experience some of them, because of my distrust in people, but is it really? Is it not because I lack common sense sometimes ? It's necessary to hold the distrust in people, but I lack common sense. I don't know if that has to do with age. It has to do with a lot of stuff, but I ought to do better at this point.

Did you watch the latest JoJo episode? I mean the 1st episode of the latest season? I haven't, no. I need to fuck Jotaro very badly. It's frustrating.

The trend I've observed from hentai these years is also very frustrating. I don't think it'll be hard for me to not watch hentai for a few months. In the early 2000s there were plenty cool hentai with good looking guys, though one giveaway of Japanese western themed fantasy is the boring ass big shoulder plates, and that's annoying. I find myself to put up less and less with how they incorrectly portray other cultures in other times and how consistently they use the same portrayals over the years. But now. Now is way worse. Now there are a fuckton of companies specialized in making GROSS MIDDLE AGED men fucking cute girls (as usual). It's a main difference I've observed from men vs women. Women wouldn't want to watch porn where an ugly chick fucks a hot guy, even though by definition half of women are below average. No. Women always hold their appearance to a higher standard. They'd even go so far as to put on make up and have plastic surgery. Men on the other hand, need people to accept them as who they are. So if the teens who loved hentai have become FUCKING GROSS LOSERS now, they'd still want to see themselves featured in their fantasy. They wouldn't hold themselves to a higher ideal. A lot of men don't give a fuck about how they look. It's sad. I thought I hated the generic anime protagonist look, you know, short hair & white shirt, all that, I was wrong. The variety of out of shape men totally turns me off more than anything. There is only one hentai I've found so far that is relatively recent that features a decent-looking guy: the Rance series.

I'm very disappointed. The Japanese society has put out all sorts of propaganda pressuring poor young women into marrying GROSS men. They try to make it look like a norm that a cute or capable woman should be with a FUCKED UP WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. I don't think women are buying it. We ARE more sensitive to aesthetics, after all. I bet anything that even though I haven't seen ANY SIGNAL out there, there must be more women who are planning to make intelligent sex robots to satisfy their needs. All these hentai is so GROSS. It's so unfair. Imagine, if you're a hideous guy, now you get to see yourself fucking a beautiful girl in hentai. But if you're a pretty girl, you're told all hot guys are gay or whatever. No, I know it's not true and I I know there are good looking guys in porn, they're just bad at it. It's so disappointing. And what do the good looking guys feel about all the out of shape men in hentai & porn? I never asked.

"What are men good for?" No I didn't ask that! You asked that! A lot of things, of course. Everything, even- everything except sex, that is.

It's so unfair.

I'm going to fuck Jotaro so hard (when I've made him in a few years) that he comes to life.

Also hentai doujinshi - I don't know much of the stuff that's out there these days so it doesn't matter to me, but since they often have better style than hentai, I can still enjoy them even if I don't know what it's about. Still, there are like only 10- less than 10- hentai artists I whose style I like. I really want to show them how it's done. Some day. Like, most colored teasers you see is just like sakimichan's fan art. Some sheer swimsuit with sweat or cum on it, leather/latex, etc. Very little movement and the girl fills the frame and just looks dumb, surprised (for whatever fucking reason) or climaxing with very little painted background or embellishment. It's just boring. It actually has to do with humanity. Erotic art is actually an actual art and it actually has to do with humanity. Consider Pin-ups. As much art as Rockwell and Frank Frazetta. These people don't know how to do hentai. I classify sexualizing game art like those with boob plate as hentai too btw.

But these people don't know how to do sexy. I'll show them. Once I'm in the mood & have the time. Never? Probably. I have to prioritize other things before that, even in hours of leisure. I've become genuinely interested in hardware in the engineering research process.

I'll say it again.

I'm going to fuck Jotaro so hard (when I've made him in a few years) that he comes to life.


Fall-colored setup looking good. ( Corona beer is not too bad . )

Finally watched EP1 of JoJo Golden Wind today. I hear it's a long one so I should wait till when it's over. Naples eh?

Never noticed it before but now I cannot unsee the strange complex, that in these anime and manga there are always these blonde blue/green-eyed characters who are half Japanese, even though in reality that probability is next to nil. A half Asian-White will always turn out to look more Asian since the blonde hair and blue/green eyes are recessive phenotypes. The Japanese reject that idea. It has nothing to do with the fact that anime and manga can have characters with all sorts of crazy colored hair. It's the fact that those characters are 100% Japanese, behaving like Japanese and subscribe to Japanese ideologies and the only thing different is how they look. It's a typical East vs West thing. I've learned about it last year in an interesting journey starting from /r/hapas to the whole side... sub culture of mixed race people. Reality is more interesting than fiction a lot of times.

I really want to unsub most of the yt channels, but how else am I going to find out a thing such as "Tik Tok" even exist? Am I required to know every single app that has a big market share? I mean, it's segregation, right? I don't ever need to advertise anything on there much less interact with those people, so does it have anything to do with me? No. I'm fine not knowing about it.

And yeah I will talk to you about the documentary phenom and the scams it unfolds once it's done. I'm never going to shy away from the fact that I watch trendy stuff. I wonder what is the cut off point though, like at what point do people start watching it because so many others have already watched it? I'd say 5-6 million views. Not a lot. It's incredible .

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Favorite color btw

I member thinking about how much I love pumpkins when I was lying in bed last night. Yellow-ish orange versus blood orange tho.

Me, being naive, probably got sun-burned today . . .

Anyways . What was it again ? What was I going to say ?

I did have something to say.

Anyhow. Whenever I go to Navarro I do not want to give up, like I want to decorate the loft with all sorts of plants again. But coming home and remembering the ways all the plants I had died and how I could not save them, I can't. To see color drain from a flower and watch it wither, and even the toughest plant loses its life, it's just, it's just so impossible and hard. I might have missed a few very simple things that's caused this, but I'm not ready yet. I thought about getting tall vases, too. That might happen. Still, no flowers lasted more than 7 days. I think they ought to last longer.

I've always found romance in the idea of a necromancer, but I actually am very afraid that I'll become someone who if I touch something, that thing dies .

Anyway. My favorite color is orange. Yellow-ish orange. It's autumn, it's fall, it's pumpkin, it's inferno. It's sweet and cute and passionate. Yet more destructive than anything except black and red. It's fire. ( Fire ain't red, show me a fire that's red )

OK then .

Monday, October 1, 2018


I believe it was the first time for me to have a dream about a fashion show, and it turns out to be about family.

Anyway. How horrifying is this. How fast is Time.

How great is calendar. The minute it hits October, and certainly on and starting from October 1st, there has been a sharp drop in temperature. Overnight people's dresses changed. I shouldn't see spaghetti straps no more. It's magical. Summer is officially over. I am over the moon.

Keep in mind this usually started in September. It's been a whole month late.

I feel alive again. The chill keeps me calm.