Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Suicidal Despair


I don't know why I have to endure so much disappointment.

I don't know why everything and everyone that comes into my life underwhelms me, and I must overwhelm them.

I don't see the justice in the unfair... destiny is unfair.

Everyone is so lazy and incompetent.

I am a very social person. I am not asocial at all. But who doesn't like socializing with people on their own level? Who likes to entertain clowns every day? It's not my fault that they're the way they are.

Everyone brings me nothing but aggravation.

Try and remember, Diary, has anyone surprised me?

No.

Who am I living for?

They're all dead. Long dead. God is distant. God is intangible.

I am so fragile. The littlest thing could break me, like the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Because I just don't know how much disappointment I can take.

Despair is my motivation. Despair is the only true motivation. Having despair... only having despair doesn't mean you have to do nothing, it only means you don't need a reason to do anything.

Let's just die. Let's just DIE!

I hear this over and over in my head.

Everything that ever existed is a joke anyway, it's just that I don't find it very funny.

I can take despair. It's so familiar. But disappointment... every once in a while, when I have withdrawn from people enough time, it's like the faith in people is renewed, and I expect them to be competent and not boring again. I don't know when or how I can stop that. Just like I can't tell my body to stop having periods because I'm never going to have kids, I can't seem to stop this cycle. I should have lost faith in humanity a long time ago. I don't know where I got this expectation. I don't know where the hope is coming from. I hope there is no more such hope. I can't. I can't take this disappointment anymore.



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