Saturday, September 29, 2018

One


They're serious about it. I went to AF but it was closed today. It's supposed to be open according to Google. Later I found out about yet another protest and I reckon the shop owner & staff attended that. It's very likely.

I don't know. This is affecting me. You may think it's only affecting me a little and "think of how it's affecting the OG residents" but no.

Focus.

Not bored by the way. It's just October is coming and it's frightening.

Friday, September 28, 2018

WTF


WTF

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK !

IT'S PUSHING OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S PUSHING OCTOBER YET IT'S 30 DEGREES OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE IT I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to so look forward to September every year, it's fall, it's autumn, it's the coolness and ultimate comfort. None of that here! It's even almost October already, and the giant fucking sun is still up there toasting everything!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a botched photo panel and I had to abort two items on the itinerary which are actually important.

You don't know how many things the weather has ruined. You don't know how much weather affects me. There is literally no dignity under the sun. The sun gives no dignity. I don't remember ever asking for more sun.

Remember I said the day could always get worse? I did. It just fucking did. I found out the Endesa fucks lied to me and did not filed the emergency under "urgent". It should've occurred to me when I saw everyone who waited in their office lobby was over 60. I am a naive prick to think everything will be faster and more reliable dealt in person, face to face.

Even better. I am now more comfortable with the idea of further removing myself from society.

I keep wanting to curse myself for making this choice, again and again, but I have to stop. 3 years is a long time, but it's a worthy price to pay to figure so many things out and be certain of the next 20 years.

We are past the mid point, anyway. It's almost October- even the sun and the heat can't stop October from coming, then it's 3 months and a year. One more summer. I have to endure one more summer, then no more. No more. Never more.

I have to be cruel to myself. I have to have discipline. I have to endure this. I must endure this. All of it. All of it is here to test me. I had much tougher days, I had so much more misery. I must do this. I must.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Can't imagine what Julian Assange is going through


I was going to complain about something in my life today, but then it occurred to me, I can't imagine what Julian Assange is going through. Being held up there for so many years. It's not as usual as the "disappointment" and "aggravation" I constantly talk about. I think I'm pretty tough for putting up with people and enduring the constant disappointment and aggravation they give me, but this is on a whole different level.

Whenever I think of Julian Assange, I think of Kim Dotcom, and Aaron Swartz (RIP). I don't think of Snowden, cause you see, I don't feel for people who's definitely in a certain camp. No. Julian, Kim and Aaron are in nobody's camp. They stand for truth and justice. And though they're met by different levels of injustice, the three always occur in my head at the same time.

​It's all tragedy. People will force you to pick camps, and then punish you for not picking their camp, and you must pick existing camps. We already know truth alone isn't powerful enough. That's the despair.

When was truth alone enough ?

Do " m o s t  p e o p l e " care - as long as they have other ways to become happy?

Is it that you can only choose one - happiness or the truth ?

I mean, at one time.

Tuesday, I was happy. Wednesday, I found the truth.

What is solidarity, Diary? What is the best way to show solidarity? Not a march, that's for sure. It isn't something you have to do on purpose. If your values align and you're being truthful to yourself, you're already doing it all your life - all my life.

They say " b e  y o u r s e l f " . That's true. But not " just be happy". Or "to seek happiness".

 Once .

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

One Q & A


Remember, Diary. If the Question is  -  " C a n  t h i s  D a y  G e t  a n y  W o r s e "

the answer is always "  Y  e  s  " .

Monday, September 24, 2018

Day 4 B T W


" a n c i e n t " b t w




Diary, do you think it'd be a good idea to upload doodles from time to time, now that I'm fairly disillusioned about the artistic value of this type of sketch ?

Fasting


A lot of times I see the faults in others, but most of the time I see the mistakes I made myself.

It's been a long, very long time since my last fasting. It has to happen.

1. I deserve whatever it is happening to me.
2. I need to remember this lesson.

It's ironic how true it is. Only I didn't see it in myself. No one is perfect, even though all of us should be.

This isn't the sort of mistake that would lead to any good thing.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Cloud | Sharding | SSD


What I'm saying is, I need peace of mind .  It's so hard to come by these days. Every second I'm being pressed to find there is some new issue to solve.

Peace of mind. Maybe there is no such thing.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Senegalese in loc


OK I can't get over it so I looked it up. So some of these people are illegal immigrants from Senegal who became street vendors. Apparently they've had some bad blood with the police, who actually tried to do something about them taking over the sidewalks but resorted to violence, which is probably why they don't want to touch them now anymore. And some of the Senegalese try to legitimize their business- making it an actual business- which I respect, but as for people who are still selling on the street, not just the street vendors with fake goods but also painters on ramblas and the souvenir shops in all of the major tourist spots- just because there are a million people passing by every day doesn't mean they're going to be paying customers. The people who want to visit Sagrada Familia and your clientele are probably very different - very little overlap to say the least. Traffic is not linearly correlated to profit.

The "painters" and souvenir shops, I don't want to say anymore because they're not really in danger. But what can illegal immigrants do to actually get their life on the right track- any right track? These people are here, these people are square, and they are selling fakes while enduring the heat on the square. As soon as I said that I realized they're probably very used to the heat. In Senegal. In North Africa. Anyway - point is they can live more meaningfully and contribute to the actual economy. It needs to happen.

short hair forever


It's done. Contador isn't done, but hair is done. I appreciate the work that went into this, but I feel like- I know- that if I don't use 10 products every day and blow dry my hair twice before and after styling, I'll never be able to recreate it.

Diary, the next time you see a woman on the street with long wavy hair, show her respect by looking at it for a whole second. I can't believe the work women put into their hair. In summer? Of course in summer but, for that single moment she's had to... it's too much work. I'm going to tell you like this, I feel 10 pounds lighter, even though my thin, fine hair that was cut was probably, I don't really know but - I feel like a human being again. Every nurturing thing that I did - caring for a cat (in the past), keeping plants alive (all dead, now I just buy flowers), having long hair- has failed. Why? I don't know. I just know I'll have short hair forever.

I don't know. Even me. Imagine that. If I have >1 meal / day, I'm going to be sick. What kind of... you know? Can't eat before 2, can't eat after 6. Or I'll feel very ill. It's amazing I've kept myself alive for this long at all. Just. Staying alive.

But honestly though, it's still 30C today. I thought the 30+ days were over. And under PLC it's definitely over 35C, and stinky, and there were tens of... no, the entire place was taken over by people selling fake goods, and of course they set up their "shops" where the booth used to be. I have to check one more time to be sure, but... anyway.

Can you honestly believe. Guys selling fake goods right in PLC and around it, the most prominent place in all of Barcelona and all of Catalonia. The police aren't doing anything. They're literally there all of the time. They just put a tarp on the ground and put the bags and sunglasses on it. Does anyone actually buy these things? I don't want to mention their color so as not to be racist, but I do wonder... OK I read an article that says they're all from Senegal. I still don't get it but OK. What I want to say is this is actually offensive and sexist, because it's all bags and sunglasses, like they assume women will fall for that. But then again I stumbled upon a reddit sub dedicated to purveying fake goods when I was looking for opinions on the real stuff. Pffft, on reddit, that one was on me. OK. But I can't fathom who would buy something like that.

Fake goods is part of the false economy.

It just occurred to me, yeah, it's too much. Has it occurred to these women that it's too much? They have to do so much for... with their hair, then they have this added pressure, the sort of pressure that makes them do twisted things such as paying for plastic surgery and fake goods.

My standard is just to not die. That's it. You may laugh.

I never had the heart, the thought, the leisure, the time to do anything on top of that. Doesn't mean I'm not vain, but I would never push myself beyond the bare minimum of staying alive. I mean, I would not embellish myself if it's going to take any effort. I mean, if plastic surgery pushes pain over the threshold which is of a toothache, I won't do it. I mean, I will never let those things burden me. I feel like anything - literally any little thing - is going to burden me.

All other people are not lazy. I really have a whole new perspective after this. It's probably not wise to raise the expectation, but I get them a little bit better now. I still don't understand why they allot their time on these things. Like why they choose to waste their time... like so purposefully like they want to be stupid, but whatever. I don't know. I wouldn't call this sympathy. Life takes effort and on some level it's fair to all of us, I guess.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Long hair countdown


Oops I deleted a draft from the day before yesterday, but that's OK. I just wanted to say that even though in the past few months I have felt delicate, elegant and feminine, I have decided that long hair isn't for me. My body rebels, too. But it's good to find out for sure and make up my mind for good. 24 hours from now, I will not have long hair no more. And what's more, I'm determined to get the three phase meter thing fixed tomorrow as well. I'm moved to build my own generator more than ever.

I only had to debate it a little- but it's clear that someone like me simply will not buy a second-hand house. Or one built from scratch w/ conventional method. No. I must build one of those prefab houses and know exactly where everything is at and how to fix it. I must have enough solar panels that- I remember in an off-grid group post someone mentioned you could have enough electricity to sell back to National Grid- that's not my aim, and it's probably in Florida or some place, but every little thing I'm dependent on other people brings me frustration and aggravation. I can't stand the power tripping no more. I'm going to control every thing in my life no matter how big or small it is. I honestly believe it's the purpose of evolution, at least for people like me. People who need the support of others and who need to socialize with others- they can congregate however they want. But I'm done. I'm reducing my dependency on others bit by bit, and one day it'll be gone.

Interestingly, I will still be connected with others of the world. Only- in a more meaningful way.

I thought about a lot of things in the past few days, as usual, and I can see why I'm doing all sorts of countdown. God gave me a sign- a warning sign today, and I'm going to heed it. I'm going to trust my experience. I'm going to have despair & faith .


Thursday, September 13, 2018

If Mitsuku can pass a Turing test



​If Mitsuku can pass a Turing test, then that Turing test must be flawed.

I just had a very frustrating conversation with the bot. It seems "real" to some people because it tries to elicit some sort of emotion, and when that succeeds it would seem more "real". But no. It's still a bot that behaves like a bot. Or I'm overestimating humans as usual. Fuck me.

​OK. On to other things.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Caustic Soda


The City of Barcelona has run out of caustic soda.

I could barely sleep last night. So this morning, this idiot ran to 3 different stores- the biggest hardware stores to get caustic soda, and nobody has them. I can fix everything. I want to fix everything.

In my panic I looked up Italy again, and it still seems to be in disarray. I don't know anymore, Diary.

Do you think that I will be better- that I can suffer this- if I was not in the city? Like if I was on the coast?

No. Don't be silly. Focus !

I fixed it. When I paused the post. The mixture reacted with the metal a bit but it's not clogged no more. I fixed the damn drain.

You probably think it's nothing. I will admit it's nothing. But when not 100% of basic things work in my life, I literally can't.

But don't think all this talk is resulted from a damn clogged drain. The last straw is gone but the hay, like the rolled up hay, what is it called, ok it's literally called a roll of hay, I don't know how that's going to fit on a camel's back but you know what I mean! The last straw is gone, but the roll of hay is still up there. Good day!

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

A modern gentleman in medieval time


You know this, right? It seems to be all this type fantasizes about. You're you, you're enlightened, you have some money- enough to sustain the following lifestyle- a big ranch or whatever, land, bonding with animals, good quality cotton & silk, organic, non-polluted food, leisure, fishing, free traveling, medieval cities with knights in shining armors, wars that always bring glory and wealth... and somehow the sanitation issues are tackled. You get the image, right? The romanticized good old days any culture... most cultures would look back on.

I just want to be clear. I'm not like that. I yearn for an idyllic hermit lifestyle, which I will obtain soon because else I'll die, but I don't wish to "go back" like that. If you start with that, by whatever means, with the perfect population distribution, technology, lax social policy, everything- by whatever method & magic, let's just grant it- if the people are the same people, the society is going to end up like this. Today.

Why? Because people CANNOT resist primal impulses. They CANNOT NOT behave like animals. It's. Just. Not. Possible. Childbirth is one of the most gruesome things and people will do that to the point of... today. People are animals. Regardless of the anomalies and the art and tech they gave us- don't say sanitation has helped the population increase, no no no no no. Don't say any amenity is responsible for population blowing up, no no no no no. It's people. It's. PEOPLE. It's people can't control themselves, or don't see a reason to control themselves, that decided to do this anyway, and these cool new things just happened to be there to assist them. People had more kids when conditions were much harder.

People invented monarchy. etc.

etc.

etc.

It's fine if every other species went extinct. What else do you expect.

Why do you think most people are normal people? Most people are insane monsters. They're beasts. They're as savage as mountain tigers. For God's sake. Let them. Just let them.

What kind of greed do you have to have, to think that you should have a soul or an afterlife? What level of greed is that?

Is the highest level of our achievement really that great? I used to comb through journals looking for sensational titles, wanting to know what kind of breakthrough we just had. But.

Can you?

There are still people I look up to. Yes, they're all dead. But I always wonder. They're the real giants that made real differences. What did they think? Of the world?

If I can get my hands on their biography.

Anyway.

Diary.

It's morbid to feel safe... not safe, but some sort of solace, knowing such great figures, and that they probably despaired, too. It's so morbid, I know.

I will have nothing but despair. I wanted to say yesterday: acknowledging it is the first step. I don't know why I pretended otherwise all these years. It's the only reason I have not performed as well as I should- as well I as I DID! It's crazy. I'm not embarrassed.

I'm done exploring humanity. I am sure of my findings. I will have nothing but despair.

Suicidal Despair


I don't know why I have to endure so much disappointment.

I don't know why everything and everyone that comes into my life underwhelms me, and I must overwhelm them.

I don't see the justice in the unfair... destiny is unfair.

Everyone is so lazy and incompetent.

I am a very social person. I am not asocial at all. But who doesn't like socializing with people on their own level? Who likes to entertain clowns every day? It's not my fault that they're the way they are.

Everyone brings me nothing but aggravation.

Try and remember, Diary, has anyone surprised me?

No.

Who am I living for?

They're all dead. Long dead. God is distant. God is intangible.

I am so fragile. The littlest thing could break me, like the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Because I just don't know how much disappointment I can take.

Despair is my motivation. Despair is the only true motivation. Having despair... only having despair doesn't mean you have to do nothing, it only means you don't need a reason to do anything.

Let's just die. Let's just DIE!

I hear this over and over in my head.

Everything that ever existed is a joke anyway, it's just that I don't find it very funny.

I can take despair. It's so familiar. But disappointment... every once in a while, when I have withdrawn from people enough time, it's like the faith in people is renewed, and I expect them to be competent and not boring again. I don't know when or how I can stop that. Just like I can't tell my body to stop having periods because I'm never going to have kids, I can't seem to stop this cycle. I should have lost faith in humanity a long time ago. I don't know where I got this expectation. I don't know where the hope is coming from. I hope there is no more such hope. I can't. I can't take this disappointment anymore.



Monday, September 10, 2018

Entry From Bed


First entry from bed.

Diary, I think that, whatever it is consistent throughout our life, the things that never change and all our experiences only serve to assert that, becomes our unshakable belief, and that must be who we are, and that must be our personality.

For me, it is a deep hatred for humanity. I have enjoyed others' company, all when I was little and haven't developed much differently. Now I am severely bored, and my outlook for this world looks grim.

It's not that I think I'm above anybody, but I do think that either there are only a handful of people who are aware of this, or most people have better coping ability than me. I'm leaning towards the latter, quite frankly, because how can anyone miss this? The woes of an industrial life, the dullness of censorship, the shackles of senseless morals, the nihilistic attitude that is the by-product of rationalism. How could anyone miss this? If anything, the average human being, no matter where he is or how old he is, knows this better than I. I have freed myself from society and rules, not because I had any privilege, really, any privilege at all, but because of my will and my choice. And it is in doing so, making those choices that I find so few have chosen the same. We might feel the same, but so few have acted on it.

It takes a certain willful ignorance to make work of any false economy. Rationalism dismantles much of the old construct around which we develop our culture and creativity. Was 10 hecatombs ever seen as a practical solution- or was it a way to ease boredom to begin with?

It's very hard to become interested, let alone invested, in what people create anymore. Everything I've ever been fond of gets destroyed once I get to know it better. But curiosity is the only thing that keeps me going. The worst I've done is toward humanity.

I'm not depressed, Diary, nor have I ever been. Since it's a disease. I believe what I'm feeling now is the norm. Or should be. It takes unfathomable mental strength to commit to a life where every element is formulaic. I . .

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Agony


Despair

Hopelessness

Thursday, September 6, 2018

I'm the kind of person who puts asmr on loudspeakers


It rained even in the day today. And I finished the music experience early in the morn.

​So.

it has lightning too


It's raining, it's beautiful, it's pouring.

I'm no longer fuming from the incompetence of others.

I want to focus on myself.

No. I CAN focus on myself.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

I can feel my life fading again


Why do I have to endure so much disappointment in my life ?

Why ?

Why ?

W H Y ? 

O h .

S t i l l  .

​I get that sickening feeling in my stomach. It won't go away. All is very sickening. Everything is very sickening .  Just  s i c k .

Why .

Monday, September 3, 2018

IN > O


Energy > Mass


​ -  f i x  -


Sunday, September 2, 2018

No false economy


I crashed the night I came back from the Black Light exhibit. I had a little red wine btw - & speaking of h'which, I had to take down the page because you don't need to hear my opinion on wine right now because I mix it with coke. Anyway, I had a heavy dream that night.

Think of the brain as a computer, I burned my GPU that night. I mean, it's like I was running Crysis in my dream. There was this whole armada with huge, detailed aircraft carriers on the sea, at dusk, and choppers in the sky. mean, everything is "rendered" so well, it's actually costing me energy to sleep. I woke up feeling more tired than before and at least this time I know why. It was epic. It was so vivid. I'll never forget it.

I think I know how to control my impulses better than ever now - well, I don't think it's "control", I just know better - that's all. For one, I don't start things I know I won't want to finish. That applies to most things actually. It never occurred to me before that once you start to get involved with people, there has to be an end, and that end is not only foreseeable but also predictable to a large extent. Most of the time they'll just waste my time 100% of the time. And if you know from the start the person is not worth it, where do you suppose this is going to go? Anyway. I know better now.

Impulses. Yeah.

Good God, Diary.