Wednesday, August 22, 2018

I can't believe I missed Hiroshi Ishiguro

I can't believe I missed Hiroshi Ishiguro when I was exchanging at Osaka University. The engineering building was right next to... God damn it. I tried to contact a game artist who did most visuals for one of my favorite childhood games, 90s games you know, and I wasn't even thinking. I could've talked to so many profs and instead I went traveling and seeking "new experiences". All because I was 20.

I actually spent quite a big chunk of my waking life following trend. It's a kind of... it's like being aware it's a trend, knowing you won't get attached to the trend, but compelling yourself to follow the trend to get the gist of it, so you can understand humanity. It is still one of my main methods to understand humanity even today. But I overlooked the more important, better way to do it. I am filled with regret.

I don't know. Meeting people you look up to don't always turn out so well. That game artist is doing hentai now. That composer I went to the concert in Poland for, it turns out he didn't even play the games he composed for. And Ramin Djawadi was... you member it. Maybe if... had I met the prof I'd discover a chasm of ideological difference between us that I can't reconcile with. It happens more often than you think.

People think "smart" people who have strong opinions will get along great and be friends, but they often end up going their own separate ways or becoming rivalries. Not the case at all here but you know what I mean. I think the urge to communicate with someone about groundbreaking ideas and practices is great. I just have to keep in mind that it's not a way to bring about happiness. I'm not even sure if I need those points of clarity.

I don't know. Let me look at the lab page. I think I saw a name I used to know. Maybe I know some of the team members. I don't... not now. Anyway.

I have to tell myself to hold the action. I used to be the sort of person who took action immediately, like those inane women you hear about who took off to a "romantic weekend in Paris" just because they felt like it. I'm sorry, I don't know why I look down on women like that so much. It's not wrong to seek superficial happiness and romance, it's just retarded. Sorry, here it is again...

Anyway. Pop culture led me to believe many times that there is no such thing as depth, that we can all get along great because of the things we have in common. I have a great number of things that I share with those women. But what I care about is our differences. That's just me. I care a lot about differences, conflicts and hatred. I care less about peace, love and comfort- which matter to those people more than anything in the world.

I read a poem in YouTube comment section the other day (LOL I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW) , I can't reproduce most of it because besides the two lines I remember the rest is shit, but listen:

My desires are vile
Death is my scenery

I was like "heyy"

Gotta take a shower now .

The weahter report shows summer is on the decline and tomorrow might be the last hot day. It'll definitely be over by this weekend, the > 30°C days. Good riddance .

I also have other problems to deal with .

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