Now that I think about it, it's important that I talk to you about this.
Being here, having lived in Barcelona for nearly 2 years has taught me a lot about life. I've come to understand the Catalans and their struggles that I had written off in the beginning. But for me, and pretty much everyone, we're still judging most things from the outside. That is why it's so important to listen and observe.
But life isn't all about listen and observe. We must all do something, push for something, with limited perspective, flawed vision and biased view. Having wisdom and some level of impartiality is not enough. Even though I am infinitely more intimate with the city than any tourist, I am still transient. Like I said, this isn't my End Game. I was never going to make my mark in here, respond to anything or... you know what I mean. The purpose of me moving here is to experience the city life. I need to extrapolate from my finite experience the possibility of settling in the city forever.
I told you London was a dream, right?
Now I know city is a lie. People being driven to live in the city... it's a fact, but also a sad reality in my opinion. If you're fleeing some poor rural countryside, I can understand that, but not all migration is all good. If it were up to me, I'd make the countryside better, more livable, instead. Because there is actually less and less need to congregate, in my opinion. Like I said, most "spaces" are effectively nonexistent to me. The numerous buildings... you will never go in and explore, you will never know what goes on in there. They're there, but they're not there. The road isn't yours. The street isn't yours. They're functional, for cars and other pedestrians. I'd rather "come into town" once a month for some stunning concert, because all those who come to live in the city with such a dream never end up having so much leisure. The "like-minded people" that they seek are equally stressed, and they stress together, conform together, and get assimilated into this sad, meaningless city life. I don't see any reason why city life would be attractive to me. The closer I am to the convenience and amenities, the more I realize how much I want to do things by hand. I want to cook, I want to make my own desk, I want to craft all sorts of things and sew, instead of just purchasing other people's labor. And I've come to realize a big part of this is due to my arrogance.
I don't expect others to feel the same way. I like to cook because food cooked by others is rarely suited to my own taste. I want to make my own desk because basically all furniture in store is not my style. I even want to make my own cotton napkin just to get it right. I must have custom made everything because I have better taste- or a taste that better suits me, of course. I can't hire a cleaning lady because I worry she'll knock over my vase or miss a spot. I am such a control freak. I know it's a dangerous trade off with time, but what can I do? I am a perfectionist... no, not really, just exceptionally stubborn at certain things. I cannot trust any of these people to get it right. That is why the services of a city is useless to me. Let me do my own things.
This distrust I find with most things and people in the world troubles me sometimes. That leads to paranoia. I know I had quite bit of paranoia to begin with, I was made aware of this after that year. But this. This is about principles. That is why I cannot change, at all. I cannot live this uniform life that I'm not even happy with.
Think of an apartment. It's just a box. A building as such is just a bunch of life boxes stacked on top of each other. How is that attractive? It is even a disgrace. Every time I think of the elites of NYC, how they spend millions, or thousands each month on a high rise apartment in Midtown, I just mourn. Is that actually a symbol of success? In terms of money you spent, and the sheer relativity of your cost of living to others, yes. But what kind of life is that? How removed are you from humanity- despite living among millions of humans and how detached are you from nature? I never went out camping and I thought a clean freak like me probably belongs to the city. But you know what? No. There is something between a camper and a city dweller. I want to hear the crickets chirping in my garden every night and birds singing every morning. I don't want to devolve into the sort of "working professional" that has to resort to listening to white noise when they go to sleep. I don't want synthetic nature sounds. Even vinyls are for people who can't afford to listen to live performance. And in regards of nature, I shouldn't have to choose.
I want to see trees outside of my windows. I want to watch their leaves change color. I want to go out and mow the lawn and smell the season as it comes along.
I washed some cherries & lost train of thought.
I know most people are driven to live in the city by necessity and I'm in a unique position to choose, but I feel like that necessity will change in the upcoming years. I hope more and more people will live in the countries. In the meantime, who invented the suburban life? It's hell. It's worse than cities. It's the worst of both worlds. Your yard is little and your fence and hedges provide no privacy. Every house looks the same. People have no character.
No, Diary. I will have at least 1 acre of land. My house will not face the road. I mean, whose bright idea was it? If you have a car wouldn't you bother to- hell, wouldn't you enjoy to drive out a little road and a formal gate? Who would want to face the traffic? How absurd.
I've also come to realize that not all landscapes are beautiful. I still think they're more beautiful than cityscape tho.
It was not supposed to end like this. I'm actually more aware of the human condition. Let's continue this some other time.