Thursday, July 19, 2018

Troublesome Fascinations

I believe the things we spend time learning about say a lot about us, which is why I find some of my fascinations troublesome.  I'm exploring the possibility of a lifestyle that I recently discovered retired vets are interested in, and that worries me a lot. Well not only them, of course, but equally jaded people. I have to stop to ask myself, why... what do I have in common with those people? Why would we share the same sentiment?

Like, those people have been to wars, they have suffered in foreign countries. Admittedly I have been to... lived in even more foreign countries, but our living conditions are totally different. They were risking their lives, they didn't speak the native tongue in Iraq or Southeast Asia or whatever, and they had to follow orders. I'm not like that, at all. So I  really don't know how we arrived on the same conclusion. Only after watching those clips did I totally get why they chose that lifestyle and suddenly question why I would harbor the same sentiment after just living a completely different life. I don't get it. Do you think.

Do you think. Diary, do you actually think - that I can have the sort of sentiment of a soldier stationed in some foreign country and risking his life every day just by talking to normal people for five minutes? What sort of person would that make me? Why would I get the same sort of annoyance... no, I can't even find a word for it. It's just so crazy.

I only know that all my conclusions are totally logical, which is why I can't find a way to go back on it. But why. Why would normal people aggravate me to this extent? I'm a normal person too, right? No. OK. OK then.

I know what aggravates me the most is how replicable people are and experiences can be. No matter who I'm talking to, I keep thinking about how similar they are to other people, and how not unique is the information they give. Do you understand? I keep thinking- I could've found out about this by Googling for 4 seconds instead of sitting here and listening to this drivel. Or if they're telling me about their personal life, I just keep thinking about how many other people must be experiencing the same thing. Why is it unique? Why do I need to know about this? I don't.

I feel like I'm desperate to hold on to something special. Like it's not enough that I'm walking my own path, I require everyone I associate with to be their own person and intrigue me in ways people just can't. I can't help it. I can't convince myself to care about things that are so common or so simple. I really dread normal people. It's not like I gravitate toward fringe characters- I dread some... most of them just like normal people do, but then I dread normal people also. What's up with that? It's like, if someone does not have an outstanding talent, is not a whiz at anything, is not worldly, does not have demonstrable success or has no grand goal, I can't be interested in them. You can argue that most people are this way, but at least they can tolerate each other. I can't. I really can't. Why is that?

I feel like my understanding in humanity, and my desire to appreciate humanity- which is a really innate and sincere desire, should prevent me from that. I still do feel this way. I just... I just can't. I'm actually afraid of what stupid people might say. I actually dread that. Partly bc, I think, I am not prepared. To me it's the same way I don't prepare for old age or the apocalypse. You've got these shitty survival games and movies, and you've got these people saying that if the world comes to and end, this is what to do in order to live. They build bomb shelter, collect seeds, stock ammos and canned food or whatever, and I'm just like... if human civilization is gone, why would I want to live? Like if all traces of all great human achievements are wiped out, we have no monuments left, no electricity, no satellite, no sanitation, no rail network, no planes, not modern infrastructure of any sort in tact, why would I want to live in that world having lived in this one?

My will to live is not that strong and it boggles my mind that other people's are. It's really baffling. It's not my imagination. It's like the people in the most impoverished countries keep having kids. They can't even feed themselves and they continuously take on the greatest risk to have offspring of their own. It is such a difficult, bloody ordeal, and they're sacrificing themselves for it, and yet they still do it. And at the same time people who have everything, a house, transportation, leisure, food, entertainment, everything at their fingertips don't want to do it.

But the thing is, one of the problems is- right, that it has already happened before. The world wars and civil wars have already destroyed the majority of monuments and civilizations and culture heritage and recording history around the world. It's already happened countless times before. Humans still have emerged from all the horrors and made progress even, so I don't know. I was born in a peaceful time and I've lived a peaceful life, and I can't imagine if it should happen again. If the next great war triggers some sort of technology breakthrough that sends us into space and colonizing Mars or some other presumably more livable planets, will I want to be part of that? I guess the answer has to be yes. I'm ready to abandon everything that's produced on this planet. That's how humans are. But if it's just a step back, like only loss and no progress, I don't think I'd want to live.

Anyways, I still don't have the answer. I don't think it's necessarily wrong, this state of mind, in fact I think it prompts me to take only logical action and makes the process more efficient, it's just incredibly hard to find people I like. It's almost impossible. They're all dead. I can't go near the live ones because I'd find the composer for my favorite video game does not actually play the game, or some other people who are just... not what I expected.

It's hard. Console me.

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