Friday, July 13, 2018

I cried and only sand came out

OK I didn't cry. But today I discovered that even music - ALL music ! sound dry now. Dry music. Can anyone stand that? So I have no choice but to listen to rainymood and jungle sounds, just like I did 6 years ago. Good God.

I keep telling myself this is still better than North Africa and Middle East. It doesn't help. I need rain. I just might go on a rain-seeking journey to Bilbao or Galicia. No, that's too far. God please help me. Please. I'm begging you, please. So much torment.

The sun fills my heart with anguish and sadness, I feel defeated, like nothing matters in life. Please. Even just an overcast. I really feel so very weak, my whole back hurts, I'm tired all day every day. I had to masturbate to stay focused. It's just pathetic. When it's raining I feel like laser beams can shoot out of my eyes and I'm up for anything. I'm suffering so much. There is no rain. There is no rain!!!!!!!

Thinking about going to the beach makes me deflated also. The last thing I want to see is people in bikinis playing volleyball. I just want a quiet stroll on a forested riverbank. Why am I so stupid, Diary? I'm officially past that "adventure age", maybe. I know all TOO clear what I want. I'm sorry Diary. I will pick myself up and be disciplined no matter what.

God I'm such an idiot.

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