Monday, July 23, 2018

First good night's sleep

I got my first good night's sleep this summer last night. I swear to God I don't know how dumb I can get sometimes. Fucking took me this long to sleep under a blanket.

So this morning I learned that Grandma 2 fell again. I mean, this is the least fucked up way you can get hurt as an old person. First time she's walking, now her one leg is braced and she's supposed to be on bed rest, right, and she sneaked out when no one's looking cause she thought she's alright and broke the other leg. How am I supposed to feel sympathy for that? She's told to lie on a bed and she has to be up and about just because she thinks. I went against many things but if my leg is broken and a doctor tells me not to move, I'm not going to move. I don't know what she's thinking. I hate vegans now, too. If she wasn't vegan all her life her legs wouldn't be as crispy as kit kat, now I don't think she can do surgery anymore. She's prolly going to be put in a wheelchair. That's just sad.

I think it's cruel that old people must live on. They're frail and they want to run about. They're hideous and they lust after the young. They want to be productive but they're fucking weak. This is the cause of so many tragedies. It's brutal. Nobody wants them and they have to have this delusion that they're worthy to live on. I don't get it.

I don't love any of my grandparents. I'm not capable of loving someone who's so flawed. It's the truth and you must know it. I may only be able to tell it once, but it has to get out there. You have to record it. I don't believe in love anyway but I could feel a strong attachment or obligation to make someone's life better, and that's how I feel about mother. No one else. I don't feel that way about Grandma 2 at all. I'd never understand if someone feels that way about me. I know mom feels that way about me. I hope she's the only one.

Anyway. Why is telling the truth so hard, you know? Why do people have to go around every day waving the flag or sign or whatever and spew shit like peace and love? Why? Do they not feel how empty those words are? It's soul-draining to hear.

Anyway, it's an End Game. It's an End Game! Let's do our best Diary.

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